"Pain... Pain... Pain... Pain... Pain.. Pain.. Pain......... *takes a breath*
Pain.... soo.. much...
I'm in extreme pain. If you couldn't tell. Pain. Pain. Pain. Extreme.. Pain... Pain.. Pain.. Pain.. Pain............. ..... .. God pain.. Pain.. Pain.. Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.
Give it up! Give it up give it up give it up you idiot! Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot!!! I hate you! I hate you so much!! You did it again! And again and again and again and again! You fuck up your life, you did it again! You don't have to hurt, yet you make yourself! You're asking for pain! Hurt hurt after hurt.. Why the hell do you even try. Pursuit for happiness never.. Should.. Hurt.. This.. Much.
Happiness. I want it. Now. Hug, someone, anyone, I don't care, please. Please. Please.
The end. The end. And again. To start another story. It falls apart, crumbles. He's not for you. He's not for you. He's not for you. He's not for you. He never was. He never was. He never was. So stop living in your fairy tale of knights and someone coming to save you. Everyone who ever cared has left. And it will continue that way, unless you stop.. stop.. stop.. Stop.. Loving... Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Killing. Your. Heart. Only. Love. Can. Break. Your. Heart.
It's raining hard. As if to scream out how I feel. Hail. Rain. Hail.
My insides scream of this. Oh how it happens again.. And again.. Oh why do you fall. Why do you fall. Why do you fall. Why do you love. Why do you hurt. Why do you give it all you have. Why do you. Why do you. Why do you. Why do you dig yourself a pit. Why do you. Why do you. Why. Why. Why do you predict your own end. Why do you. Why do you ignore.. That.. It.. will.. happen.
......."
-myspace
"I feel an extreme depression coming very soon to consume me and eat me alive.
My life is.. a... piece of shit.
Yes.
So.. ....... .. I shall.. go.. into another.. deep poetry depression.. Sorry. I..... .. hate.... it all.
It's........ .. .. how.. .. ... ... my story.. always.. ends.
I...... will..... be... okay... I think.. no.. yes.. no.. not in a long time. I ... need............ "girl, 15, seeking.... seeking......." "anyone..?" "yes.."
Give me.. a... .... .... ... .... .. oh.. god. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I want to stop the pain and stop everything. I want it to all stop. Stop stop, please stop it. Stop... I don't want this anymore.. This story.. isn't.. happy anymore.. It's not funny anymore.. Hello..? Hello.. it's not.. funny... .. Tears.
"Here's.. Where.. The story.. ends."
Alone.
The end.
--
Will I be.. okay? I don't know.. will I? Yes... no... no.. maybe............
Don't.. want.. to .. think of that... so no, I won't be, if...
if.. This is just the beginning."
-deviantArt
------
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I want a smile. I want a day, when sunshine takes over. I want someone who cares. I want a smile. i want someone to make me smile. I want a hug, I want a kiss, and I don't want my next birthday to be like my last, crying.
Crying over those who forsake me.
Those who said, they'd always be there. Those who said, they'd wish me a happy birthday. Those who lied.
Yeah...
It'll never work. He'll never love me. So, I'm going through the pre-depression, at this moment.
It'll never work. Oh never.
Never ever.
"Give me rainbows to fill up my eyes, give me colors so I won't cry"
Hi. Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi.. I remember you, I've met you before. Hello. What's your name. One letter from the last. I know my heart will break over you like the last one. But I want one step closer to someone who would love me. I want to love again, I know it won't last long. Maybe you'll end it in a different way, because wow, you seem to care. Please warn me when it comes close. If you find someone else, please tell me. How did I know, that wouldn't work. It never would. Because you already did. Hello. I remember you. You're al lot nicer, well, it lasted a lot sweeter. It was only for a while with the last. But it is already over before it begins. Don't love me, it'll never work. I never did listen. But now I will. I will. I will. I will. Seven months early. Early. I won't hurt six more months like the last. But wait, I will. I know I will. But I'll have a lot longer to try to not hurt, to no avail..
Yeah. Why did I let myself. Hello dream. Hello denial. Hello fate. Hello. You've all come a little early. I'm surprised.
And now I'm acting insane.
Whoops.
This is how I was before. How long will I. How long this time. Less than 70 days, this time? When does it start? It seems it's not quite over, yet. I'm just screaming now. I realize. It's like it was before. It takes a while.
"Should I leave today, or tomorrow"
"your choice, I don't care"
"I really meant 'no, stay!!', sheesh, I need to taser you" (something along those lines)
Huh. It was no different then, mm. So what do I do now.......?
Good.. question. What do I do now. I do the same thing I did before? But won't it.. I don't know. What should I do.. hm...
Friday, September 30, 2005
Pain is a glorious thing. I don't know why I say that. But pain. ..... yes.
..yeah. Pain. Pain. And more pain. Not much else but pain. and not much else but.. .....
........ ..... .... ...Pain.
.pain. pain pain pain la la la pain.
I've heard a lot about this girl
and I don't wanna hear about now
If you think she's what you need, then go
"good luck, might see you again" is our road now
But I feel so sad, can this be right?
'Cause I loved our days and I loved our nights
I loved it when you would hold me tight
and for a while our world seemed bright...
I've heard a lot about this girl
She gives you the run around for sure
And you're pushing me away
So I'm taking my love away
And I hope one day you find
the things your really need...
But I feel so sad my body aches
I feel so sad, like I could break
I hold on for another day
but my whole world has blown away.....
Please remember, I loved you dearly
Just wanted to kiss, to hold you near me......
-Sweet Unknown, Cranes
..yeah. Pain. Pain. And more pain. Not much else but pain. and not much else but.. .....
........ ..... .... ...Pain.
.pain. pain pain pain la la la pain.
I've heard a lot about this girl
and I don't wanna hear about now
If you think she's what you need, then go
"good luck, might see you again" is our road now
But I feel so sad, can this be right?
'Cause I loved our days and I loved our nights
I loved it when you would hold me tight
and for a while our world seemed bright...
I've heard a lot about this girl
She gives you the run around for sure
And you're pushing me away
So I'm taking my love away
And I hope one day you find
the things your really need...
But I feel so sad my body aches
I feel so sad, like I could break
I hold on for another day
but my whole world has blown away.....
Please remember, I loved you dearly
Just wanted to kiss, to hold you near me......
-Sweet Unknown, Cranes
Video Games
I wanna write about ideas instead of me directly today... Depends if I can get myself going.
To me, the only important feature in video games is emotion, art, and fun. If it has none of those, it's a mindless game that gets boring fast. But the key is emotion. You have to have a connection with the characters, or some general feeling. In scary games, it's all about the uneasy feeling you get and the atmosphere/surroundings, as an example.. For me, a good game is a game that really leaves a mark. One that leaves you shaken or with a feeling of contentment at how it unfolded. If you don't get attached to the characters, when one dies or gets separated is meaningless. No real feeling, just something to beat.
Art, I love in video games. Ico seems to be the only good game out there, the only purely good game out there at least. The only one that incorporates all of the best things. You feel a strong bond between the characters, and it doesn't need a complex plot to make it happen. The dialog is very little in Ico, yet you get a lot of emotion out of it.
What's weird that I noticed about Ico is, I swear it's one of the only games that really has wind effects in game! Her hair and dress billowing near the sea, and his poncho-thing waving. And the light especially.. Sunlight comes through the windows and bleaches out Yorda to look even paler, and outside gives a sense of relief.
This is why I don't like a lot of games.
My main favorite games are Ico, soon Shadow of the Colossus, FF7, Animal Crossing, Katamari Damacy, We Love Katamari.... Not many others I can recall...
Mmhm..
To me, the only important feature in video games is emotion, art, and fun. If it has none of those, it's a mindless game that gets boring fast. But the key is emotion. You have to have a connection with the characters, or some general feeling. In scary games, it's all about the uneasy feeling you get and the atmosphere/surroundings, as an example.. For me, a good game is a game that really leaves a mark. One that leaves you shaken or with a feeling of contentment at how it unfolded. If you don't get attached to the characters, when one dies or gets separated is meaningless. No real feeling, just something to beat.
Art, I love in video games. Ico seems to be the only good game out there, the only purely good game out there at least. The only one that incorporates all of the best things. You feel a strong bond between the characters, and it doesn't need a complex plot to make it happen. The dialog is very little in Ico, yet you get a lot of emotion out of it.
What's weird that I noticed about Ico is, I swear it's one of the only games that really has wind effects in game! Her hair and dress billowing near the sea, and his poncho-thing waving. And the light especially.. Sunlight comes through the windows and bleaches out Yorda to look even paler, and outside gives a sense of relief.
This is why I don't like a lot of games.
My main favorite games are Ico, soon Shadow of the Colossus, FF7, Animal Crossing, Katamari Damacy, We Love Katamari.... Not many others I can recall...
Mmhm..
Hah, Amusing
I find it funny that Zandry's mood affects my mood greatly.
Apparently the last days have been hard on him, and I got completely depressed. Maybe it was reading what I was reading at the time, but added up on his strange coldness it was a bit much for me.
For that reason, Zandry, stay happy. Because I'm happy when you are.*hug*
I was worried that he had something against me and that he was starting to not be able to deal with my icky bad habits, but it was just the days.. oh good, scared me.
Things get hard, but I realize that.. it gets better. When things stay bad though, that's when you should worry.... Mmhm.
Apparently the last days have been hard on him, and I got completely depressed. Maybe it was reading what I was reading at the time, but added up on his strange coldness it was a bit much for me.
For that reason, Zandry, stay happy. Because I'm happy when you are.*hug*
I was worried that he had something against me and that he was starting to not be able to deal with my icky bad habits, but it was just the days.. oh good, scared me.
Things get hard, but I realize that.. it gets better. When things stay bad though, that's when you should worry.... Mmhm.
Fool
let go, hardest thing
tell tale and let ring
throughout the days
and longest nights
it echos through
what a fool I'd been
what a fool I've been
and how it still stays
and lingers
I'll tell my story
though no one
shall once listen
for
what a fool I'd been
what a fool I've been
how it stays
how it lingers
past doomed repeated
mistakes are but the same
for one sin
leads to another
Just one kiss
just one embrace
doomed am I
repeat mistakes
one sin leads to the next
and what a fool I've been
tell tale and let ring
throughout the days
and longest nights
it echos through
what a fool I'd been
what a fool I've been
and how it still stays
and lingers
I'll tell my story
though no one
shall once listen
for
what a fool I'd been
what a fool I've been
how it stays
how it lingers
past doomed repeated
mistakes are but the same
for one sin
leads to another
Just one kiss
just one embrace
doomed am I
repeat mistakes
one sin leads to the next
and what a fool I've been
Never
Them, ask we
forlorn at he
told much like
felt in spite
tells much more
than what is seen
Though,
slept art here
for me to fear
between the day
and night
Them ask we
to tell what see
between the darkest
dearest, depths
between what known
and what is shown
not much to feel,
not much to heal
desperation
is but
fell and hold
between brass fingers
crock of gold
let through to heart
let through to me
for what is not
is what is me
tell me but
hold me but
call me what
days can feel
let go not
and felt not rot
between the sweetest
tears
forlorn at he
told much like
felt in spite
tells much more
than what is seen
Though,
slept art here
for me to fear
between the day
and night
Them ask we
to tell what see
between the darkest
dearest, depths
between what known
and what is shown
not much to feel,
not much to heal
desperation
is but
fell and hold
between brass fingers
crock of gold
let through to heart
let through to me
for what is not
is what is me
tell me but
hold me but
call me what
days can feel
let go not
and felt not rot
between the sweetest
tears
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Opposites
Feel a little better, but the same still bothers me.
I wrote this on myspace (that place mostly sucks) and so I'll show it here, because it amuses me.
girl/boy
goody-goody/class clown (or class slacker :P)
worried/laid back
careful/dangerous
good grades/bad grades
pepsi/coca cola
respectful/disrespectful (to authority)
short hair/long hair (ish)
talker/listener
hard working/lazy
sleepy/sleepless
normal family/odd family
dependent/independent
withdrawn/outgoing
health watcher/health ignorer
reads a lot/reads little (as far as I know)
rule-follower/troublemaker
does hw/doesn't do hw
confused/confusing
urban/rural
USA/Canada
I found this amusing. Correct me if I'm wrong, Zandry, and if you have anything to add... Haha. But I'm fairly lazy too, it's just you more so, mm? Haha, that feels mean.
I wrote this on myspace (that place mostly sucks) and so I'll show it here, because it amuses me.
girl/boy
goody-goody/class clown (or class slacker :P)
worried/laid back
careful/dangerous
good grades/bad grades
pepsi/coca cola
respectful/disrespectful (to authority)
short hair/long hair (ish)
talker/listener
hard working/lazy
sleepy/sleepless
normal family/odd family
dependent/independent
withdrawn/outgoing
health watcher/health ignorer
reads a lot/reads little (as far as I know)
rule-follower/troublemaker
does hw/doesn't do hw
confused/confusing
urban/rural
USA/Canada
I found this amusing. Correct me if I'm wrong, Zandry, and if you have anything to add... Haha. But I'm fairly lazy too, it's just you more so, mm? Haha, that feels mean.
Why
Sigh. Depressing.
I feel sad.. .. .. .. I don't know why. Just kinda alone-ish ish ish.. ........ .. I don't know...... Something. Empty. Yes, very empty.
Sucks to be me.
Yeah, I know exactly why I'm sad. But I refuse to tell you, ever.
Depressing, oh so depressing.......
Sigh sigh sigh. Kinda feel the soul sucked out of you with realization. Kinda go numb and go cold..
Tis.. unfair. Unfair unfair unfair. I wouldn't have done that to you, no, I wouldn't have. Why not me. Why. Why couldn't it have been me.. Why.
Why am I afraid of everyone. Why do I love those far away. Why can't anyone love me. Why.......
This isn't the time to be depressed and cry-ish.. Nope. I have work to do......
Need a hug desperately.. Yeah. But I can't get one. No one who would hug me is here. No one's here.
I hate it.
I want to crawl into a ball and go to sleep until something happy happens. I want a surprise, I want something I don't have to beg for. I want one day when I'm sure of myself, when I feel loved and pleased, and content.
Empty empty empty empty.
Yeah. Worst feeling in the world? Unloved. It is teh suck. It is killer. Because, it's also what I believe the point of life. Love and be loved. When you're not, it makes the days loong and really.. weary. Or when you believe yourself to not be. Or when you are, but you can't feel it.
I shall say it all, but I shall blank out everything of importance.
You’ll never --- as much as -----. You --- so much. It’s obvious. Will you ever ----? Will you ever show ------- me? I --, but I can’t --- if ---. You ---- show any ----, you ----really ---- to. I don’t know what to say.. But --- me ---. I feel like I’m ---- --- again. --- to ---- who’ll never -----. ----- who believes these things ------. Someone ----- in the end. I’m ----.. I don’t ---- like ---- before. Is it the ---- you? Is that ---- hard? I don’t know ---- I’m allowed ----. I don’t know what --------, I don’t know ---- I can ----. I --- how ---- feel and I ---- know ---- should. You tell me ---- love ---, why? ----you ---- convinced ---- you’re ---? You have the ---- to be --- or ---. You’re not --- ---. I wish --- thinking that.
Is it even ----..? Will --- ever ---? I hardly ---- -----. I hope so ---- we could, --- I really ---- know. --- I trust ---? Do you ---- as much -- --? Or --- you think it’s a ---- ---? My ---- consume ---. Why --- you -- ---- feel? Do --- --- --- you ---? Or are you ---- ----? I --- about ----, and I can’t say why --- so ----, but I ---- do.
I think things ---- --- wavered --- --- affect ---. I don’t know.. --- something ------. Suddenly I ----- --- easy it would --- -- you to ---. -- I’m afraid -- grow ----- --- you -- I did with ---.. What --- you ---? ----, ---, or do --- just -- love --? Or do --- ---- -- the distance --- too --? Do -- --- undeserving? I wonder...
Since ---- you as I did, I felt --- and I --- like we ---- ---. I ---- if you could ---- stand ---. My concern and ----- ---.
To ---- I’m ----- pretty --- and -------.. So I wonder how it is ---- to ---- more than -----.
I feel --- ----- a ---- coldness towards --- -----.. Or is it just ----..? What --- it..? Why --- you ---- as --- are?
How come ---- suddenly ---- less ---? I can ---- trust --- to --- there --- time.. is it --- --? Does ---- get in --- --? Or are --- really --- --- trying? I ----- really ---- it..
Something tells --- that -- - need ---- way to --- this.. To ---, I suppose. --- obviously can’t --- on --- as --- as we -- ---. So I --- an ---. We can --- each ---- back --- ---. I --- to do that --- an old ---- before --- --- ---, and it was -- lot ---, I must ---. It’s --- slow, --- it has --- --- and takes --- a -- less ---, and you --- have to --- at a --- --- either. You ---- do it ---- you --- , anywhere. So maybe --- would ---....
*sigh* yeah.. I don’t know.
...
I feel sad.. .. .. .. I don't know why. Just kinda alone-ish ish ish.. ........ .. I don't know...... Something. Empty. Yes, very empty.
Sucks to be me.
Yeah, I know exactly why I'm sad. But I refuse to tell you, ever.
Depressing, oh so depressing.......
Sigh sigh sigh. Kinda feel the soul sucked out of you with realization. Kinda go numb and go cold..
Tis.. unfair. Unfair unfair unfair. I wouldn't have done that to you, no, I wouldn't have. Why not me. Why. Why couldn't it have been me.. Why.
Why am I afraid of everyone. Why do I love those far away. Why can't anyone love me. Why.......
This isn't the time to be depressed and cry-ish.. Nope. I have work to do......
Need a hug desperately.. Yeah. But I can't get one. No one who would hug me is here. No one's here.
I hate it.
I want to crawl into a ball and go to sleep until something happy happens. I want a surprise, I want something I don't have to beg for. I want one day when I'm sure of myself, when I feel loved and pleased, and content.
Empty empty empty empty.
Yeah. Worst feeling in the world? Unloved. It is teh suck. It is killer. Because, it's also what I believe the point of life. Love and be loved. When you're not, it makes the days loong and really.. weary. Or when you believe yourself to not be. Or when you are, but you can't feel it.
I shall say it all, but I shall blank out everything of importance.
You’ll never --- as much as -----. You --- so much. It’s obvious. Will you ever ----? Will you ever show ------- me? I --, but I can’t --- if ---. You ---- show any ----, you ----really ---- to. I don’t know what to say.. But --- me ---. I feel like I’m ---- --- again. --- to ---- who’ll never -----. ----- who believes these things ------. Someone ----- in the end. I’m ----.. I don’t ---- like ---- before. Is it the ---- you? Is that ---- hard? I don’t know ---- I’m allowed ----. I don’t know what --------, I don’t know ---- I can ----. I --- how ---- feel and I ---- know ---- should. You tell me ---- love ---, why? ----you ---- convinced ---- you’re ---? You have the ---- to be --- or ---. You’re not --- ---. I wish --- thinking that.
Is it even ----..? Will --- ever ---? I hardly ---- -----. I hope so ---- we could, --- I really ---- know. --- I trust ---? Do you ---- as much -- --? Or --- you think it’s a ---- ---? My ---- consume ---. Why --- you -- ---- feel? Do --- --- --- you ---? Or are you ---- ----? I --- about ----, and I can’t say why --- so ----, but I ---- do.
I think things ---- --- wavered --- --- affect ---. I don’t know.. --- something ------. Suddenly I ----- --- easy it would --- -- you to ---. -- I’m afraid -- grow ----- --- you -- I did with ---.. What --- you ---? ----, ---, or do --- just -- love --? Or do --- ---- -- the distance --- too --? Do -- --- undeserving? I wonder...
Since ---- you as I did, I felt --- and I --- like we ---- ---. I ---- if you could ---- stand ---. My concern and ----- ---.
To ---- I’m ----- pretty --- and -------.. So I wonder how it is ---- to ---- more than -----.
I feel --- ----- a ---- coldness towards --- -----.. Or is it just ----..? What --- it..? Why --- you ---- as --- are?
How come ---- suddenly ---- less ---? I can ---- trust --- to --- there --- time.. is it --- --? Does ---- get in --- --? Or are --- really --- --- trying? I ----- really ---- it..
Something tells --- that -- - need ---- way to --- this.. To ---, I suppose. --- obviously can’t --- on --- as --- as we -- ---. So I --- an ---. We can --- each ---- back --- ---. I --- to do that --- an old ---- before --- --- ---, and it was -- lot ---, I must ---. It’s --- slow, --- it has --- --- and takes --- a -- less ---, and you --- have to --- at a --- --- either. You ---- do it ---- you --- , anywhere. So maybe --- would ---....
*sigh* yeah.. I don’t know.
...
Terrible Boredom Part One
Now:
• Outfit: a blue fairy tshirt, white orange and red silk pajama bottoms, a robe (I'm sick right now)
• Hairstyle: a bit messy and uncombed, down parted at the side
• Jewelry: just my watch
• nail color: none
Do you:
• cut yourself: nope
• lick yourself: no (what?)
• whine a lot: sadly, yes
• hate a lot of people: I don't like many, but I don't hate many
• have too many friends: nope, opposite
want to die: not worth it
• wear dark colors: sometimes
• dye your hair: used to a lot, taking a break
• have a crush?: you could say that
•Do they know?: it's fairly obvious
• do they like you?: I guess I can say yes to that
• are you straight/bi/gay?: straight, I'd be bi if I didn't like guys more it seems, because I find girly guys to be more cute than masculine guys
Have you ever:
• gotten drunk: nope, er, once on accident at a wedding party thing, I think o__o Damn you, punch!
• worn rainbow: nah
• talked on the phone for over 3 hours: not sure, maybe
• left the country: Canada
• had a party with over 30 people: haha, hell no
• stolen something: I've picked up things I found on the ground or floor but nothing that was really stealing
• caught something on fire: burned paper sometimes
• had a dream, then the next day it happens: I dunno
Last person:
• you touched: gave Carson a hug, he was feeling low
• you talked to on the phone: Zandry
• you hugged: Carson
• you instant messaged: uuh.. Zandry
• who broke your heart: the only people who should know are those who already know
Are you:
• understanding: yeah..?
• open-minded: quite
• arrogant: nah
• interesting: kinda
• childish: quite
• hard working: sometimes
• healthy: I think
• emotionally stable: hardly
• shy: fairly
• thirsty: a little
• obsessed: fairly
• angry: nope
• sad: kinda
• happy: kinda
• trusting: hardly
• talkative: sometimes
• reliable: often
• sleepy: quite
• lonely: quite
Favorites:
• what are your favorite band/artist?: Hm...... I don't know. The Cure is one big one..
• color(s)?: blue, purple, violet, black sky filled with stars
• soda?: Pepsi mostly, or Dr. Pepper on occasion, and when I'm bored Diet Coke
• music?: rock, folk, pop (depends), sometimes techno (fun to dance to!), sooometimes metal
• store in the mall?: the mall's kinda boring so... Hm... Uh......
• roller coaster?: I've never been on one, haha
• Lullabys: I dunno
• cookie?: chocolate chip
• juice?: orraaange
• holidays?: xmas because I love being spoiled senseless (Ahh.. guilty pleasure.. blah)
In the last 48 hours have you:
• cried?: alllmost
• missed someone?: duh
• yelled at someone?: nope
• changed your underwear?: I'm wearing pajamas
• drove somewhere?: ooo.. um. no
• talked to someone on the phone?: nope
• been online?: when am I not......
• smiled?: a bit
• kissed someone?: nope
• hugged someone?: ya
• last thing you ate? cookie
Have you ever:
• been in love: one and a half times
• kissed someone of the same sex: nope
• been in trouble with the police?: nope
• hit someone?: hm.. yeah, older bro
• broke something?: sure
• skipped school?: never without permission
• shot a gun?: bb
• broke something important: I don't think so...
• dyed your hair?: yupppp
Okay, last questions:
• what is sitting next to you? no one
• favorite sport?: volleyball
• been in a plane?: yup
• kicked your cat for the hell of it?: no!
• who's your best friend: Um.... Do I have one anymore?
• are you bored of taking this survey? Kinda.. I'm gunna take another, I'm that bored
• Outfit: a blue fairy tshirt, white orange and red silk pajama bottoms, a robe (I'm sick right now)
• Hairstyle: a bit messy and uncombed, down parted at the side
• Jewelry: just my watch
• nail color: none
Do you:
• cut yourself: nope
• lick yourself: no (what?)
• whine a lot: sadly, yes
• hate a lot of people: I don't like many, but I don't hate many
• have too many friends: nope, opposite
want to die: not worth it
• wear dark colors: sometimes
• dye your hair: used to a lot, taking a break
• have a crush?: you could say that
•Do they know?: it's fairly obvious
• do they like you?: I guess I can say yes to that
• are you straight/bi/gay?: straight, I'd be bi if I didn't like guys more it seems, because I find girly guys to be more cute than masculine guys
Have you ever:
• gotten drunk: nope, er, once on accident at a wedding party thing, I think o__o Damn you, punch!
• worn rainbow: nah
• talked on the phone for over 3 hours: not sure, maybe
• left the country: Canada
• had a party with over 30 people: haha, hell no
• stolen something: I've picked up things I found on the ground or floor but nothing that was really stealing
• caught something on fire: burned paper sometimes
• had a dream, then the next day it happens: I dunno
Last person:
• you touched: gave Carson a hug, he was feeling low
• you talked to on the phone: Zandry
• you hugged: Carson
• you instant messaged: uuh.. Zandry
• who broke your heart: the only people who should know are those who already know
Are you:
• understanding: yeah..?
• open-minded: quite
• arrogant: nah
• interesting: kinda
• childish: quite
• hard working: sometimes
• healthy: I think
• emotionally stable: hardly
• shy: fairly
• thirsty: a little
• obsessed: fairly
• angry: nope
• sad: kinda
• happy: kinda
• trusting: hardly
• talkative: sometimes
• reliable: often
• sleepy: quite
• lonely: quite
Favorites:
• what are your favorite band/artist?: Hm...... I don't know. The Cure is one big one..
• color(s)?: blue, purple, violet, black sky filled with stars
• soda?: Pepsi mostly, or Dr. Pepper on occasion, and when I'm bored Diet Coke
• music?: rock, folk, pop (depends), sometimes techno (fun to dance to!), sooometimes metal
• store in the mall?: the mall's kinda boring so... Hm... Uh......
• roller coaster?: I've never been on one, haha
• Lullabys: I dunno
• cookie?: chocolate chip
• juice?: orraaange
• holidays?: xmas because I love being spoiled senseless (Ahh.. guilty pleasure.. blah)
In the last 48 hours have you:
• cried?: alllmost
• missed someone?: duh
• yelled at someone?: nope
• changed your underwear?: I'm wearing pajamas
• drove somewhere?: ooo.. um. no
• talked to someone on the phone?: nope
• been online?: when am I not......
• smiled?: a bit
• kissed someone?: nope
• hugged someone?: ya
• last thing you ate? cookie
Have you ever:
• been in love: one and a half times
• kissed someone of the same sex: nope
• been in trouble with the police?: nope
• hit someone?: hm.. yeah, older bro
• broke something?: sure
• skipped school?: never without permission
• shot a gun?: bb
• broke something important: I don't think so...
• dyed your hair?: yupppp
Okay, last questions:
• what is sitting next to you? no one
• favorite sport?: volleyball
• been in a plane?: yup
• kicked your cat for the hell of it?: no!
• who's your best friend: Um.... Do I have one anymore?
• are you bored of taking this survey? Kinda.. I'm gunna take another, I'm that bored
A Sickly Dream
My dreams are always interesting when I'm sick. I'll try to remember it all.
---
We walk up the hill slowly, and look up. We can see an amazing array of moss covered trees twisting up towards the sky, with few branches. We look up and we see steps going up each tree, and tree houses. Up there we see two people. Dave and Kandas, my mom's cousins. It's a beautiful day and the sun shines on the green of the trees, and the moss is bright against the brown. The grass is green as well. My older brother starts climbing up, and so does Carson. I follow, but halfway up I grow afraid, as the steps are just about as sturdy as thick shingles. They bend under my weight and I cling, afraid, to the steps. There are no railings, it's basically just a bunch of small shingle-sized and shaped steps stuck into the tree. Alex makes it most of the way up, at least to say hello to Dave and Kandas. Carson pauses, and I slowly make my way back down. Nana tries but she loses her balance, and clinging to one of the thick branches near the bottom she tries to get balanced but fails. She falls. She lands on her side, and luckily is unharmed. Gramps laughs and remarks how she landed well.
I walk around downtown with Nana and Gramps. People are singing, a group of kids that reminds me of when I was in chorus. I mouth the words before continuing on my way. It looks like Pike Place Market..
Suddenly, like an action movie. Like Kill Bill. In a deserted place downtown. In the windows are clothes that are freshly in fashion stand on headless mannequins. The facades are beautiful, on one building entwined to the design on each side are a tall statue of a lady reaching to the very top, very artistic and unusual. Curved faces and closed eyes. The glass in the windows goes just as high.
Fighting going on. Through the air and slicing through stone. Glass falls and crashes to the ground, pieces of the building detach and fall.
Later, I'm in a building. Hanging onto the edge of ground. Basically a big wood building with a large dug pit. My fingers hold desperately to the edge of dirt, and my eyes widen as I look to the pit. Like the depths of hell, but no fire. Squirming things, dying and so many. Sound emits loud from down there, and I hold harder, digging my nails into the dirt of the edge of the pit. Bushes and plants block me from being able to climb back up. I try not to panic. The creatures down there are small and unrecognizable, like many squirming worms and creatures that will eat you alive. I look up towards the edge trying to find a way up. Suddenly I see an opening. I make my way left to where I see a gap in the plants. Daisies bloom everywhere besides where a bush had blocked my path. I grab to them, and their roots are strong. I slowly pull myself up, grabbing more as they come loose. I make it there, taking in a breath of relief. There's enough space between the edge and the roof to sit up, but not stand. I look around the daisies, and see a white cat among them, and a few other things. I lay down.
Some other people, three girls about 17 or 18 wander around downtown, in a deserted area. They look around curiously, and are surprised at the wreckage and broken glass on the cement. A large creak is emitted from one of the buildings and a girl shrieks as a large piece falls from it. They all run forward, and look in horror to the right at the statue of the lady not far ahead, as it starts to teeter. One girl kneels, closes her eyes, and prays. The others look around in panic. The statue falls, and luckily they are spared.
I walk down underneath the freeway bridge where I usually go to get to Green Lake.. I saw graffiti on one of the supports, and started scrubbing it off with the side of a white straw. (odd) A voice. "Don't worry, you're not forgotten. I remember you, you wrote that here on that day, I haven't forgotten you"
I continue walking around, wiping off graffiti. I wander around and end up at an icecream store. I watch them making icecream smoothies with an incredible amount of m&m's. I order one, and watch them add like.. 200. I grin. The boy behind the counter is about my age, and even though he's not cute I kinda like him.
--
More to the dream, but I don't remember well enough.
---
We walk up the hill slowly, and look up. We can see an amazing array of moss covered trees twisting up towards the sky, with few branches. We look up and we see steps going up each tree, and tree houses. Up there we see two people. Dave and Kandas, my mom's cousins. It's a beautiful day and the sun shines on the green of the trees, and the moss is bright against the brown. The grass is green as well. My older brother starts climbing up, and so does Carson. I follow, but halfway up I grow afraid, as the steps are just about as sturdy as thick shingles. They bend under my weight and I cling, afraid, to the steps. There are no railings, it's basically just a bunch of small shingle-sized and shaped steps stuck into the tree. Alex makes it most of the way up, at least to say hello to Dave and Kandas. Carson pauses, and I slowly make my way back down. Nana tries but she loses her balance, and clinging to one of the thick branches near the bottom she tries to get balanced but fails. She falls. She lands on her side, and luckily is unharmed. Gramps laughs and remarks how she landed well.
I walk around downtown with Nana and Gramps. People are singing, a group of kids that reminds me of when I was in chorus. I mouth the words before continuing on my way. It looks like Pike Place Market..
Suddenly, like an action movie. Like Kill Bill. In a deserted place downtown. In the windows are clothes that are freshly in fashion stand on headless mannequins. The facades are beautiful, on one building entwined to the design on each side are a tall statue of a lady reaching to the very top, very artistic and unusual. Curved faces and closed eyes. The glass in the windows goes just as high.
Fighting going on. Through the air and slicing through stone. Glass falls and crashes to the ground, pieces of the building detach and fall.
Later, I'm in a building. Hanging onto the edge of ground. Basically a big wood building with a large dug pit. My fingers hold desperately to the edge of dirt, and my eyes widen as I look to the pit. Like the depths of hell, but no fire. Squirming things, dying and so many. Sound emits loud from down there, and I hold harder, digging my nails into the dirt of the edge of the pit. Bushes and plants block me from being able to climb back up. I try not to panic. The creatures down there are small and unrecognizable, like many squirming worms and creatures that will eat you alive. I look up towards the edge trying to find a way up. Suddenly I see an opening. I make my way left to where I see a gap in the plants. Daisies bloom everywhere besides where a bush had blocked my path. I grab to them, and their roots are strong. I slowly pull myself up, grabbing more as they come loose. I make it there, taking in a breath of relief. There's enough space between the edge and the roof to sit up, but not stand. I look around the daisies, and see a white cat among them, and a few other things. I lay down.
Some other people, three girls about 17 or 18 wander around downtown, in a deserted area. They look around curiously, and are surprised at the wreckage and broken glass on the cement. A large creak is emitted from one of the buildings and a girl shrieks as a large piece falls from it. They all run forward, and look in horror to the right at the statue of the lady not far ahead, as it starts to teeter. One girl kneels, closes her eyes, and prays. The others look around in panic. The statue falls, and luckily they are spared.
I walk down underneath the freeway bridge where I usually go to get to Green Lake.. I saw graffiti on one of the supports, and started scrubbing it off with the side of a white straw. (odd) A voice. "Don't worry, you're not forgotten. I remember you, you wrote that here on that day, I haven't forgotten you"
I continue walking around, wiping off graffiti. I wander around and end up at an icecream store. I watch them making icecream smoothies with an incredible amount of m&m's. I order one, and watch them add like.. 200. I grin. The boy behind the counter is about my age, and even though he's not cute I kinda like him.
--
More to the dream, but I don't remember well enough.
Told
My grandparents came over yesterday. I was home alone sick when I heard the message on the machine. Nana left a message asking if she could spend the night, because she was having surgery on her thumb the next morning, and the doctor is over here. When mom came home she called and said she could.
Mom convinced me to go take a shower.. I hate taking showers when I'm sick, because for some reason it tends to make me feel worse, overheated I suppose. But I did, and changed into pajamas and eventually wandered out. They were in the kitchen talking and I said hello. Mom told them I was sick. Nana exclaimed how I looked pretty, and Gramps said "She always does" and I laughed.
Later we sat down in the living room and talked for a while. Mom somehow managed to spill that there was something we hadn't been telling them. I rolled my eyes at her and she said never mind.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I laugh and say no.
"Oh no, we've got her guessing, that's even worse" I tell mom to just tell her.
"She's on Paxil" (my medication)
"Oh, you are? Well we are too.. three generations! Maybe we can get in four, then maybe we can get on TV"
"no, that's quite alright" my mom says.
"Let's see.. I'm on it for.. Mostly depression. Off it I'd want to be under that couch, literally. And also I have these times when I have things to do that I really wouldn't mind doing, but I'd rather curl up and go to sleep."
"ah." I nod "I can relate to that one"
"And what are you on it for, Laurie?"
"um.. panic attacks and anxiety"
"yes, but by what?"
"I don't know"
"Each of us is triggered by something, so what is it for you?"
"Well, the freeway I guess. Just the adrenaline would always get bad there. I had a panic attack twice on the freeway, it was odd. So I started to get paranoid about going there, and whenever I tried to get over it, the same thing would happen"
"And what are you on it for, Tanya?"
"Social anxiety"
"Oh really? But what about social..?"
"Just being around people in general.. It makes me all tense and nervous."
"Just people?" Gramps says
"Yeah.. Especially a lot, like in malls and such. And being judged."
"It makes her hands shake. Like she held out her hand and you could see it"
"Ah, one thing to realize is that some of this you can get over simply by realizing that people really don't judge all that much" Gramps starts
"One thing I've noticed in all my years is that people are surprisingly the same. The way the men and women react to things, it's amazingly similar... The main thing to realize is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as it makes you happy. Do things for yourself and not to please others. You have to be your worst critic. You may do something and be extremely happy about it, and the same thing makes someone else furious. But it makes you happy, that's what counts"
--
The conversation continues for a long time, and I find I have a little bit in common with each. Nana and her shaky writing hands in front of people, and how she would rather just go to sleep sometimes then do what must be done. Mom's anxiety in general. And Gramps, how he stays to the side of the crowd, and doesn't like drawing attention to himself.. and dislikes getting in the way of other people. So, was an interesting thing to listen to.
Mom convinced me to go take a shower.. I hate taking showers when I'm sick, because for some reason it tends to make me feel worse, overheated I suppose. But I did, and changed into pajamas and eventually wandered out. They were in the kitchen talking and I said hello. Mom told them I was sick. Nana exclaimed how I looked pretty, and Gramps said "She always does" and I laughed.
Later we sat down in the living room and talked for a while. Mom somehow managed to spill that there was something we hadn't been telling them. I rolled my eyes at her and she said never mind.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I laugh and say no.
"Oh no, we've got her guessing, that's even worse" I tell mom to just tell her.
"She's on Paxil" (my medication)
"Oh, you are? Well we are too.. three generations! Maybe we can get in four, then maybe we can get on TV"
"no, that's quite alright" my mom says.
"Let's see.. I'm on it for.. Mostly depression. Off it I'd want to be under that couch, literally. And also I have these times when I have things to do that I really wouldn't mind doing, but I'd rather curl up and go to sleep."
"ah." I nod "I can relate to that one"
"And what are you on it for, Laurie?"
"um.. panic attacks and anxiety"
"yes, but by what?"
"I don't know"
"Each of us is triggered by something, so what is it for you?"
"Well, the freeway I guess. Just the adrenaline would always get bad there. I had a panic attack twice on the freeway, it was odd. So I started to get paranoid about going there, and whenever I tried to get over it, the same thing would happen"
"And what are you on it for, Tanya?"
"Social anxiety"
"Oh really? But what about social..?"
"Just being around people in general.. It makes me all tense and nervous."
"Just people?" Gramps says
"Yeah.. Especially a lot, like in malls and such. And being judged."
"It makes her hands shake. Like she held out her hand and you could see it"
"Ah, one thing to realize is that some of this you can get over simply by realizing that people really don't judge all that much" Gramps starts
"One thing I've noticed in all my years is that people are surprisingly the same. The way the men and women react to things, it's amazingly similar... The main thing to realize is, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as it makes you happy. Do things for yourself and not to please others. You have to be your worst critic. You may do something and be extremely happy about it, and the same thing makes someone else furious. But it makes you happy, that's what counts"
--
The conversation continues for a long time, and I find I have a little bit in common with each. Nana and her shaky writing hands in front of people, and how she would rather just go to sleep sometimes then do what must be done. Mom's anxiety in general. And Gramps, how he stays to the side of the crowd, and doesn't like drawing attention to himself.. and dislikes getting in the way of other people. So, was an interesting thing to listen to.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Nudity
Was peeking around netscape.com out of boredom, randomly decided to check the 'top 10 naked experiences' page out of curiosity. Haha. Hush hush.
I was looking around, and found, number four is Seattle's (my city) World Naked Bike Ride.
Yeaaah.. I remember that, lol.
Imagine my shock and surprise being taken to the Fremont Fair for one of the first times, and seeing nude bicyclists wearing only body paint and maybe sunglasses.
I think I was 13 or so at the time, so I was like "omg.." and didn't know whether I was supposed to cover my eyes or not. My older brother sure was horrified, haha. I was more weirded out and curious than horrified, but yeah. Twas funny.
Maybe someday I'll participate in that. XD Haha. Not alone though. And in some years.
In truth nudity isn't bad. It's just that nudity is so associated with smex that it ruins it. And no one's a nudist, so yeaah.. It's too uncommon. And it's a little too cold out. Haha.
I'm tired.. I dun wanna go to school tomorrow.. Uwwah....
I was looking around, and found, number four is Seattle's (my city) World Naked Bike Ride.
Yeaaah.. I remember that, lol.
Imagine my shock and surprise being taken to the Fremont Fair for one of the first times, and seeing nude bicyclists wearing only body paint and maybe sunglasses.
I think I was 13 or so at the time, so I was like "omg.." and didn't know whether I was supposed to cover my eyes or not. My older brother sure was horrified, haha. I was more weirded out and curious than horrified, but yeah. Twas funny.
Maybe someday I'll participate in that. XD Haha. Not alone though. And in some years.
In truth nudity isn't bad. It's just that nudity is so associated with smex that it ruins it. And no one's a nudist, so yeaah.. It's too uncommon. And it's a little too cold out. Haha.
I'm tired.. I dun wanna go to school tomorrow.. Uwwah....
Hahah
I stayed home sick today, and I'm laughing because I don't know.. It makes me grin happily and excitedly at him being online at school, haha. "Oh my god! He's there! Oh yes!" "er wait.. he's being bad, no!" Lol.
Anyway, I just love noting him on DA and getting a response that makes my day a lot earlier than usual. Hehehe.. Trying not to giggle senseless, but it's really hard. Big grin instead.
Warm fuzzy feeling! Doesn't anyone know it? It's a lovely feeling. And I'm sick today, so it's nice to have a smile.
It's the feeling you get when you see a really cute kitten and hug it, or when you see a new baby. Just that warm happy feeling inside.
I like it, wish I got that feeling more often.
Anyway, I just love noting him on DA and getting a response that makes my day a lot earlier than usual. Hehehe.. Trying not to giggle senseless, but it's really hard. Big grin instead.
Warm fuzzy feeling! Doesn't anyone know it? It's a lovely feeling. And I'm sick today, so it's nice to have a smile.
It's the feeling you get when you see a really cute kitten and hug it, or when you see a new baby. Just that warm happy feeling inside.
I like it, wish I got that feeling more often.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Too Much Detail
Sitting here my eyes trail the familiar box of white, where swift taps of the finger materialize letters to words on the screen. A slight yawn that goes only half satisfied leaves tears in my eyes and more awareness of my stuffy nose. Another yawn and I reach for the kleenex, disgusted. Swallow and breathe, hiss cold air between teeth to race along tongue, before reaching lungs and being expelled as just another exhale. Clear throat, sit still in wonder of what to do. Arch back in attempt to perfect posture, uncomfortable after not long of trial. Stomach forward, head back, shoulders back, another stretch to relieve stiffness. Not quite soft not quite hard cushion of chair beneath me, in which I sit on the edge of. I scoot back, realizing this, bouncing slightly, knocking shoe covered feet along the legs of the chair, protruding wheels covered smoothly in plastic. Twist back in forth in chair, impatient, fidgeting in worry and hint of boredom. Harsh grinding and hushed shrieks of sharp metal against wood can be heard from the back window, and out the skylight, soft shout of a little boy asking a question, whom I recognize to be my little brother. The shrieks fade and silence, accept for the occasional passing car, softly whooshing by and on their way, followed by another, endlessly.
The buzz of grinding and cutting starts again, only to pause a moment later. Steps on the stairs. I turn my eyes slightly to the lumbering form on the edge of my vision, focusing to shoulders, greying beard and familiar face. Average greeting as he makes his way and hunkers down to sit with a small twang from the chair, and a soft buzz as the monitor comes to life.
Once again the grinding buzz of machine comes, then goes, then comes again, short, long, in different tones. A soft echoing plunk of wood hitting cement.
My foot bounces continuously, nervous bored or of unknown motives, not for me to know. The monitor bobs in sync with my foot, until I stop, reaching my arm to my shoulder, which suddenly hurts.
My dad mummers to himself quietly, staring at the screen for a moment before standing up and moving to the stairway, pausing, then going back and sitting down with a creak. Clicking of mouse and he continues to work.
I breathe through my mouth, feeling saliva slowly cultivate there, as I am unwilling to swallow. Eventually a do, a bit sorely, emptying mouth just for it to start again. I feel along teeth with tongue, feeling rounded points and a slightly uneven line, bumpy surface and grooves in molars. My tongue continues to feel along gums, pausing disgustedly at a bit detached from the new coming teeth at the very back. I move tongue to cheek, making an effort to stretch and stick out my cheek, which I can see bulge in the corner of my eye. My teeth scrape tongue in the effort, and eventually retreats to rest where it belongs.
I lean forward, moving eyes to look at a list of names, seeing the still grey icon that I wish would come yellow and to life, representing the presence of a close friend.
I leave to ponder work to do and to pace, eventually grabbing a snack and yet another orange juice.
The buzz of grinding and cutting starts again, only to pause a moment later. Steps on the stairs. I turn my eyes slightly to the lumbering form on the edge of my vision, focusing to shoulders, greying beard and familiar face. Average greeting as he makes his way and hunkers down to sit with a small twang from the chair, and a soft buzz as the monitor comes to life.
Once again the grinding buzz of machine comes, then goes, then comes again, short, long, in different tones. A soft echoing plunk of wood hitting cement.
My foot bounces continuously, nervous bored or of unknown motives, not for me to know. The monitor bobs in sync with my foot, until I stop, reaching my arm to my shoulder, which suddenly hurts.
My dad mummers to himself quietly, staring at the screen for a moment before standing up and moving to the stairway, pausing, then going back and sitting down with a creak. Clicking of mouse and he continues to work.
I breathe through my mouth, feeling saliva slowly cultivate there, as I am unwilling to swallow. Eventually a do, a bit sorely, emptying mouth just for it to start again. I feel along teeth with tongue, feeling rounded points and a slightly uneven line, bumpy surface and grooves in molars. My tongue continues to feel along gums, pausing disgustedly at a bit detached from the new coming teeth at the very back. I move tongue to cheek, making an effort to stretch and stick out my cheek, which I can see bulge in the corner of my eye. My teeth scrape tongue in the effort, and eventually retreats to rest where it belongs.
I lean forward, moving eyes to look at a list of names, seeing the still grey icon that I wish would come yellow and to life, representing the presence of a close friend.
I leave to ponder work to do and to pace, eventually grabbing a snack and yet another orange juice.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Cold and Childishness
Hello.
Tonight is.. okay. But I seem to have gotten a cold. I randomly got a bloody nose, which kinda sucked.. But it didn't last as long as it usually does. I have a slightly sore throat and a stuffy/runny nose, and just the general feeling that I'm sick. Kleenex increasing and filling up my garbage can slowly but surely.
I had an orange juice, but it seems I've lost track of it. How odd.
I was trying to convince Zandry to do his homework today. Bribing him with.. something. Yeah. Anyway, he declines. I shake my head at him. I'm all hyperactive and all "Let's go go go! Yay homework!' and stuff, but he seems fairly immune. He said he was busy chatting. "With who?" I ask. With me and two other girls. Busy talking to his other friends.. His.. other.. friends.. busy.. talking.. to .. his other.......friends. .. Suddenly something clicks inside my head that makes me upset. He's busy.. talking to his other friends. Something about that makes me feel suddenly uncomfortable, and like a burden. Like I'm one of three, and I'm unneeded. He's got two others to talk to, why bother trying to talk to him when he's listening to three at once? So, I leave with an excuse. "I'm going to do my homework now."
I walk downstairs. For about ten minutes I sit uncomfortably twiddling my fingers thinking.... Wondering why it bothers me so much. Why I have to be jealous. They're his friends, for god's sake.. Yet.... .. I want to feel special? I want to feel like I'm a good friend, not just another one.
I think on this for a while, and think to myself, it's silly and childish to think such thoughts. I do my homework for about ten minutes, and then bring my homework with me back upstairs.
"It felt too odd to ditch you like that."
"lol, you didn't really ditch me"
"yeah I did.. believe it or not, it was sort of the intention"
"oh?"
"yeah.... I'm weird"
I admit my childish jealousy eventually. At which he says, not to feel like that. "Especially not with me."
I can assume the meaning of that, but I hesitate to. I ask what he means. Of course, he won't tell me. I guess he doesn't like admitting such things, haha. Or, has trouble expressing. I ask other things to try to figure out if my guess is right, but fail just a bit.
He confused me a moment, but I'm not sure if I caught the meaning right.. When I was admitting my childish jealousy, I said it in question form.. "What if I told you that for some reason when you said you were talking to two other people I felt like you were two busy to talk to me and that's why I left?"
He said "If that were true I'd say I was busy and sign out of yahoo"
I got confused. What? Tell me he was busy and sign out, or tell them? Apparently not me. He wouldn't repeat nor explain. So I guess that's what he meant.. To tell them he was busy and sign out because I felt left out? I don't know. Maybe.
Apparently he prefers talking to me to talking to them though. Says he avoids msn because a lot of people talk to him there.. Says he uses yahoo to talk to me. He said all these things before, but sometimes I forget. My little insecurities never cease to bother me, so things need to be repeated, sometimes. I forget that I'm at all special in his eyes. I forget why he still talks to me and why he likes me. Because, there seems no specific reason. So I never really get it.. So sometimes I wonder if it's really true, and yet again he must repeat.
*shrugs* Or I could be wrong. Haha. (you tell me)
Tonight is.. okay. But I seem to have gotten a cold. I randomly got a bloody nose, which kinda sucked.. But it didn't last as long as it usually does. I have a slightly sore throat and a stuffy/runny nose, and just the general feeling that I'm sick. Kleenex increasing and filling up my garbage can slowly but surely.
I had an orange juice, but it seems I've lost track of it. How odd.
I was trying to convince Zandry to do his homework today. Bribing him with.. something. Yeah. Anyway, he declines. I shake my head at him. I'm all hyperactive and all "Let's go go go! Yay homework!' and stuff, but he seems fairly immune. He said he was busy chatting. "With who?" I ask. With me and two other girls. Busy talking to his other friends.. His.. other.. friends.. busy.. talking.. to .. his other.......friends. .. Suddenly something clicks inside my head that makes me upset. He's busy.. talking to his other friends. Something about that makes me feel suddenly uncomfortable, and like a burden. Like I'm one of three, and I'm unneeded. He's got two others to talk to, why bother trying to talk to him when he's listening to three at once? So, I leave with an excuse. "I'm going to do my homework now."
I walk downstairs. For about ten minutes I sit uncomfortably twiddling my fingers thinking.... Wondering why it bothers me so much. Why I have to be jealous. They're his friends, for god's sake.. Yet.... .. I want to feel special? I want to feel like I'm a good friend, not just another one.
I think on this for a while, and think to myself, it's silly and childish to think such thoughts. I do my homework for about ten minutes, and then bring my homework with me back upstairs.
"It felt too odd to ditch you like that."
"lol, you didn't really ditch me"
"yeah I did.. believe it or not, it was sort of the intention"
"oh?"
"yeah.... I'm weird"
I admit my childish jealousy eventually. At which he says, not to feel like that. "Especially not with me."
I can assume the meaning of that, but I hesitate to. I ask what he means. Of course, he won't tell me. I guess he doesn't like admitting such things, haha. Or, has trouble expressing. I ask other things to try to figure out if my guess is right, but fail just a bit.
He confused me a moment, but I'm not sure if I caught the meaning right.. When I was admitting my childish jealousy, I said it in question form.. "What if I told you that for some reason when you said you were talking to two other people I felt like you were two busy to talk to me and that's why I left?"
He said "If that were true I'd say I was busy and sign out of yahoo"
I got confused. What? Tell me he was busy and sign out, or tell them? Apparently not me. He wouldn't repeat nor explain. So I guess that's what he meant.. To tell them he was busy and sign out because I felt left out? I don't know. Maybe.
Apparently he prefers talking to me to talking to them though. Says he avoids msn because a lot of people talk to him there.. Says he uses yahoo to talk to me. He said all these things before, but sometimes I forget. My little insecurities never cease to bother me, so things need to be repeated, sometimes. I forget that I'm at all special in his eyes. I forget why he still talks to me and why he likes me. Because, there seems no specific reason. So I never really get it.. So sometimes I wonder if it's really true, and yet again he must repeat.
*shrugs* Or I could be wrong. Haha. (you tell me)
Happy Things
I am such a pessimist, I just realized. Gah!
Let me list all the happy things.
-I have an awesome room (kinda) with a wall that glows with invisible writing (damn fun)
-I get good grades
-I'm not doing too bad in school yet
-People think I'm smart (hahah!)
-I'm surviving weight training
-the boys in weight training don't tease me
-I'm getting stronger
-I don't eat lunch alone
-my parents love me, and apparently are proud of me
-I can walk to any store I want, or take the bus anywhere
-I can draw.. kinda
-I'm slowly proving to myself I can do anything if I try
-in two weeks I've ran more than I have in the past two years
-I'm slowly figuring out my social anxiety
-I don't have too much homework tonight
-I have someone to love
-I have someone who cares about me
-I have someone who will listen to me
-I have someone who likes to talk to me more than most (<3)
-I have someone to be gushy about :P
-I have someone to kiss in my daydreams (okay, a bit too much info..)
-I have someone who thinks I'm pretty
-I have money in my bank
-I have a lot of video games
-I have We Love Katamari
-I'm doing fine in my Biology class (holy crap)
-My biology class actually is a bit interesting (wow)
-My teachers are fairly good
-I have Tashibu again!
-Zandry is back...! Oh god do I <3 you! Haha
-There's food I like in the cabinets now
-My parents love each other
-My family doesn't fight
-My brother and I get along pretty well
-My brother's cute
-My brother's not an idiot
-My brother likes to play video games with me
-My family is wonderful and I'm going to give them a hug now
Let me list all the happy things.
-I have an awesome room (kinda) with a wall that glows with invisible writing (damn fun)
-I get good grades
-I'm not doing too bad in school yet
-People think I'm smart (hahah!)
-I'm surviving weight training
-the boys in weight training don't tease me
-I'm getting stronger
-I don't eat lunch alone
-my parents love me, and apparently are proud of me
-I can walk to any store I want, or take the bus anywhere
-I can draw.. kinda
-I'm slowly proving to myself I can do anything if I try
-in two weeks I've ran more than I have in the past two years
-I'm slowly figuring out my social anxiety
-I don't have too much homework tonight
-I have someone to love
-I have someone who cares about me
-I have someone who will listen to me
-I have someone who likes to talk to me more than most (<3)
-I have someone to be gushy about :P
-I have someone to kiss in my daydreams (okay, a bit too much info..)
-I have someone who thinks I'm pretty
-I have money in my bank
-I have a lot of video games
-I have We Love Katamari
-I'm doing fine in my Biology class (holy crap)
-My biology class actually is a bit interesting (wow)
-My teachers are fairly good
-I have Tashibu again!
-Zandry is back...! Oh god do I <3 you! Haha
-There's food I like in the cabinets now
-My parents love each other
-My family doesn't fight
-My brother and I get along pretty well
-My brother's cute
-My brother's not an idiot
-My brother likes to play video games with me
-My family is wonderful and I'm going to give them a hug now
Why I Hate Most Boys
Yeah..... Today, I just realized how much I hate boys still.
For the first eighteen days, it's been going pretty well to what was expected. I have decent teachers that give a balanced amount of work, I have a challenge but it's not challenging to the point of being overwhelming, unless I procrastinate. I'm staying fit in my weight training class which is hard indeed, and the boys aren't quite as bad as I expected..
Not quite.
For the first 18 days I haven't had any negative encounters with boys, until today, I remembered.
At least they don't do anything to me, like they used to in middle school. I was harassed quite a bit in those years.
But, overhearing the crap they say can be enough.
Started in weight training class, where I had expected assholes to linger. During most of the time they've been silent as we did out thing, so it wasn't too bad. They didn't bother me, one of the only two girls in the class, to my relief. But today, they decided, to talk about Pokemon porn. Wow. I wonder to myself, sometimes, did they look it up on google? I don't really want to know. I heard them talking about Futurama porn and Pokemon. And, that's all I heard, because after that I completely blocked them out. I continued my exercises in our station, and stayed a few steps back from them at all times, as I didn't want to hear it. Three of them talked about it, one of them laughed and said they were perverts, another told them to shut up (the one who's kinda my friend in the class), the other said nothing.
On the way down to the weight room, one of them was carrying a spray can of Axe or whatever, the cologne. I hate those things. They smell terrible and all gross and guys think it smells good. In middle school a guy tried to spray me with it, which pissed me off. So I avoided them as well...
We were doing the push-up position held for 30 seconds, and during such they continued talking of porn, and the guy who's kinda my friend knocked over the guy who was talking porn. I shook my head to myself, but was happy that the guy would at least shut up.
The guy who got knocked over pretended to be hurt but he wasn't.
The second case was while I was waiting for the bus. I overheard a conversation between Chad and some of his friends. Chad I knew in Elementary school, he was the tallest boy at the time, and the girls liked him. I didn't like him, didn't really know him in truth, but I knew of him well enough. His dad died when he was in fifth grade..
"I had a chance to punch him in the face at the dance"
My gaze turns to look at Chad, source of the voice.
"He was being a fucking fag, jumping around and going 'we're at the dance! We're at the dance!'"
"Did you get drunk first?"
"Nah, but he was being such a fag, I mean, duh we're at the dance"
I was glaring at them in from the corner of my eye, but I doubt they noticed nor cared.
Why the hell do these idiots get drunk? Why do they hurt people for acting like 'fags'? God, I hate them. I hate even more that he was a childhood classmate.
Third case was, the freshmen boys at the back of my bus. Last year, my bus was the best. It had a really nice fun bus driver, and everyone on the bus would joke but not be loud.
This year, we have so many idiots. There's a group of guys at the back of the bus who make so much noise.. And the girls chat noisily as well. The boys at the back of the bus are yelling at the top of their lungs "SLUGBUG!!!!" whenever they see one of those long bug cars. There's a parking lot of them that we pass, so they yell it over and over, and I want to go tell them to shut up.
So I get so stressed out on the bus, and I hate the boys so much. Especially since they yelled "Fuck you!" and gave the finger at a bus of middle schoolers. Wow. .. Mature.
--
My little brother is going in the right direction, I'm happy to say. Boys tend to kinda decide whether to be an idiot or not when they're freshly teenagers... I'm glad my little brother is the sweet kid he's always been.
I'm a bit grumpy, so sometimes I don't embrace it enough. But he always stops to give me a hug and sometimes holds my hand when we go on walks. I'm glad his peers haven't messed him up to be embarrassed to do things like that. I'm not the best older sister, I must admit.. I say no when he wants to play video games, and get annoyed when he hugs me too long when I'm writing something that I know he's looking at.. But he's a good kid.
It would be so sad if he started doing drugs or something.. I can't even imagine that. That'd be amazingly stupid of him.
I know that he's in the right direction, because on our walk, there was a boy skateboarding while smoking his cigarette.. When he passed, Carson looked at me and said "what an idiot!" I almost laughed, because I've seen so much worse, I think. He continued saying "He shouldn't smoke while skateboarding, and smoking by itself is bad enough..!" "Why, because he might burn his eye out if he fell?" I asked, "Well, don't go into detail.." he replied. Good kid. *chuckles*
Anyway.. It's back to having headaches. Not as bad as last year, but still a pain.
--
I guess I'm easily irritated, but still.. they're pretty stupid.
For the first eighteen days, it's been going pretty well to what was expected. I have decent teachers that give a balanced amount of work, I have a challenge but it's not challenging to the point of being overwhelming, unless I procrastinate. I'm staying fit in my weight training class which is hard indeed, and the boys aren't quite as bad as I expected..
Not quite.
For the first 18 days I haven't had any negative encounters with boys, until today, I remembered.
At least they don't do anything to me, like they used to in middle school. I was harassed quite a bit in those years.
But, overhearing the crap they say can be enough.
Started in weight training class, where I had expected assholes to linger. During most of the time they've been silent as we did out thing, so it wasn't too bad. They didn't bother me, one of the only two girls in the class, to my relief. But today, they decided, to talk about Pokemon porn. Wow. I wonder to myself, sometimes, did they look it up on google? I don't really want to know. I heard them talking about Futurama porn and Pokemon. And, that's all I heard, because after that I completely blocked them out. I continued my exercises in our station, and stayed a few steps back from them at all times, as I didn't want to hear it. Three of them talked about it, one of them laughed and said they were perverts, another told them to shut up (the one who's kinda my friend in the class), the other said nothing.
On the way down to the weight room, one of them was carrying a spray can of Axe or whatever, the cologne. I hate those things. They smell terrible and all gross and guys think it smells good. In middle school a guy tried to spray me with it, which pissed me off. So I avoided them as well...
We were doing the push-up position held for 30 seconds, and during such they continued talking of porn, and the guy who's kinda my friend knocked over the guy who was talking porn. I shook my head to myself, but was happy that the guy would at least shut up.
The guy who got knocked over pretended to be hurt but he wasn't.
The second case was while I was waiting for the bus. I overheard a conversation between Chad and some of his friends. Chad I knew in Elementary school, he was the tallest boy at the time, and the girls liked him. I didn't like him, didn't really know him in truth, but I knew of him well enough. His dad died when he was in fifth grade..
"I had a chance to punch him in the face at the dance"
My gaze turns to look at Chad, source of the voice.
"He was being a fucking fag, jumping around and going 'we're at the dance! We're at the dance!'"
"Did you get drunk first?"
"Nah, but he was being such a fag, I mean, duh we're at the dance"
I was glaring at them in from the corner of my eye, but I doubt they noticed nor cared.
Why the hell do these idiots get drunk? Why do they hurt people for acting like 'fags'? God, I hate them. I hate even more that he was a childhood classmate.
Third case was, the freshmen boys at the back of my bus. Last year, my bus was the best. It had a really nice fun bus driver, and everyone on the bus would joke but not be loud.
This year, we have so many idiots. There's a group of guys at the back of the bus who make so much noise.. And the girls chat noisily as well. The boys at the back of the bus are yelling at the top of their lungs "SLUGBUG!!!!" whenever they see one of those long bug cars. There's a parking lot of them that we pass, so they yell it over and over, and I want to go tell them to shut up.
So I get so stressed out on the bus, and I hate the boys so much. Especially since they yelled "Fuck you!" and gave the finger at a bus of middle schoolers. Wow. .. Mature.
--
My little brother is going in the right direction, I'm happy to say. Boys tend to kinda decide whether to be an idiot or not when they're freshly teenagers... I'm glad my little brother is the sweet kid he's always been.
I'm a bit grumpy, so sometimes I don't embrace it enough. But he always stops to give me a hug and sometimes holds my hand when we go on walks. I'm glad his peers haven't messed him up to be embarrassed to do things like that. I'm not the best older sister, I must admit.. I say no when he wants to play video games, and get annoyed when he hugs me too long when I'm writing something that I know he's looking at.. But he's a good kid.
It would be so sad if he started doing drugs or something.. I can't even imagine that. That'd be amazingly stupid of him.
I know that he's in the right direction, because on our walk, there was a boy skateboarding while smoking his cigarette.. When he passed, Carson looked at me and said "what an idiot!" I almost laughed, because I've seen so much worse, I think. He continued saying "He shouldn't smoke while skateboarding, and smoking by itself is bad enough..!" "Why, because he might burn his eye out if he fell?" I asked, "Well, don't go into detail.." he replied. Good kid. *chuckles*
Anyway.. It's back to having headaches. Not as bad as last year, but still a pain.
--
I guess I'm easily irritated, but still.. they're pretty stupid.
Oookay..
(written last night, never posted)
So apparently that much is too much.
I find, that feeling as I do now, one pill actually did do enough. It 'takes off the edge' as my mom said. There's no way I'll ever completely get rid of my social anxiety, but I at least won't feel sick to the stomach and turn red as much.
Right now I feel short of breath and nervous to the point of not being able to sleep nor get comfortable. Like my throat tightens and it's hard to.. I don't know. But it's not fun. Just tense. So I'm going back to one, thank you. Where I feel a little nervous but not terribly nervous.
So apparently that much is too much.
I find, that feeling as I do now, one pill actually did do enough. It 'takes off the edge' as my mom said. There's no way I'll ever completely get rid of my social anxiety, but I at least won't feel sick to the stomach and turn red as much.
Right now I feel short of breath and nervous to the point of not being able to sleep nor get comfortable. Like my throat tightens and it's hard to.. I don't know. But it's not fun. Just tense. So I'm going back to one, thank you. Where I feel a little nervous but not terribly nervous.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Hm..
Apparently the pills did do something, because I feel sick to the stomach with worry.
I turned red when getting my photographs, and I can't shake off this icky feeling that something bad will happen. I feel like tomorrow will be a disaster, and I can't sit still. Butterflies in my stomach and I just want to close my eyes and not think.
I'm nervous.. Feel icky. So I always felt like this before? I had forgotten for a while.. So the meds had at least killed off that sick feeling I got on Sunday nights, and days before tests. Mm.....
I've just been changed to a slightly higher dose, because I was on low dosage before. This one takes a while to work. I hope it does sometimes soon, because I feel so tense. I found it difficult to breathe in my fear of... everything. It's amazing how overwhelming everything can be for me. Ah.. I don't feel well.
I'm suddenly nervous about everything.. So this is why the presentations left me shaking. I feel like this, when nothing is even happening..
It's a pity I have to be like this. It would be so much easier if I wasn't.
I turned red when getting my photographs, and I can't shake off this icky feeling that something bad will happen. I feel like tomorrow will be a disaster, and I can't sit still. Butterflies in my stomach and I just want to close my eyes and not think.
I'm nervous.. Feel icky. So I always felt like this before? I had forgotten for a while.. So the meds had at least killed off that sick feeling I got on Sunday nights, and days before tests. Mm.....
I've just been changed to a slightly higher dose, because I was on low dosage before. This one takes a while to work. I hope it does sometimes soon, because I feel so tense. I found it difficult to breathe in my fear of... everything. It's amazing how overwhelming everything can be for me. Ah.. I don't feel well.
I'm suddenly nervous about everything.. So this is why the presentations left me shaking. I feel like this, when nothing is even happening..
It's a pity I have to be like this. It would be so much easier if I wasn't.
Na na na..
I have like.. Nothing to say today.
Because nothing has happened.. Well, not really. I woke up this morning, fell back to sleep, woke again at 11:30. I might take another shower because I hear it's more normal to take one every day instead of every other day.. *snickers* Ah, I'm terrible, yes. I usually only take one when I feel dirty, which is every other day I suppose. *shakes head*
Maybe.. I should.. Do my homework.. Ahhhh I really don't wanna. But I guess I should huh? Take a shower, clean my room, do my homework. That would be great.. So why don't I make today great.. Sure thing.
Ahh.. It's so hard to drag myself from the computer.. But I will! Right now! Get inspired now now now.. *sigh*
I shall hurry and do everything.. And why do I feel nervous..?
Oh yeah, I feel kinda stupid for being partially deaf. Hahah. I'm not, but when people are too quiet or talk fast, I never ever can understand! It's so embarrassing. So yeah, I feel really dumb. Did last night, did this morning.
Aha..ha.. ha.. Ahh, embarrassed..!
This is why I dislike the phone. Especially when I'm calling. T__T.. eheh.e..e....... *tugs on hair* ... *giggles at how easily I fret*
Yeah, so that leaves me with a little headache. Or something to bother me at the back of my mind, and blush in irritation of stupidity and slow-minded-ness. I hate being dumb, haha.
'wut? now?'
I guess I'm not used to talking to people.. T___T Ahh...... Kill me now. :P Hahah.
Anyway.. Stop fretting! Yesh yesh yesh.
Oh I'm home alone.... Hell yes hell yes hell yes!!!! I LOVE IT!
I could run around the house naked if I wanted to! *starts cracking up* NO, no no no. God, what the hell is with my mind. I guess I feel a bit liberated when no one is watching me. And no, I actually couldn't do that, as there are windows in this house. I don't want to know what it'd be like for someone to peek in the window and see that.. *chokes on laughter* Ah gawd... Haha. That'd be very sad and very disturbing.
*grins big* What shall I do while home alone..? LET'S PARTY! Er.. No.
I know! I'll play with my dolls! Yes, that'd be fun. Tea party! It's been a while since I've had an imagination. I need to talk to them, ask how they are.
"Hey Mr. Toodles, how are you today?" Haha, no. I don't have one called that. I have..
Dobby, Shinata, and ones I don't remember the names of. I need to rename them all.
I love my dolls. ^____^ Child at heart, hell ya. I feel all giggly now, it's fun. Dress up! Tea party! I wish I had enough imagination for it to be more fun. It used to be a huge fun thing, but now it's almost empty. I need to have fun again. I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet... Whoops. o__o
Anyway, la la.. Time to be responsible. I may have the tea party some other day, as I have things I should do. But a fun thought. Anyway, hugs to everyone who bothers to read, and another hug to anyone who doesn't think I'm crazy after reading all my fretting about Zandry being missing.
By the way, he still rarely shows up.. Which sucks. But he will sometime. Oh, I mustn't forget, I have to develop the photos.. Yes.
Because nothing has happened.. Well, not really. I woke up this morning, fell back to sleep, woke again at 11:30. I might take another shower because I hear it's more normal to take one every day instead of every other day.. *snickers* Ah, I'm terrible, yes. I usually only take one when I feel dirty, which is every other day I suppose. *shakes head*
Maybe.. I should.. Do my homework.. Ahhhh I really don't wanna. But I guess I should huh? Take a shower, clean my room, do my homework. That would be great.. So why don't I make today great.. Sure thing.
Ahh.. It's so hard to drag myself from the computer.. But I will! Right now! Get inspired now now now.. *sigh*
I shall hurry and do everything.. And why do I feel nervous..?
Oh yeah, I feel kinda stupid for being partially deaf. Hahah. I'm not, but when people are too quiet or talk fast, I never ever can understand! It's so embarrassing. So yeah, I feel really dumb. Did last night, did this morning.
Aha..ha.. ha.. Ahh, embarrassed..!
This is why I dislike the phone. Especially when I'm calling. T__T.. eheh.e..e....... *tugs on hair* ... *giggles at how easily I fret*
Yeah, so that leaves me with a little headache. Or something to bother me at the back of my mind, and blush in irritation of stupidity and slow-minded-ness. I hate being dumb, haha.
'wut? now?'
I guess I'm not used to talking to people.. T___T Ahh...... Kill me now. :P Hahah.
Anyway.. Stop fretting! Yesh yesh yesh.
Oh I'm home alone.... Hell yes hell yes hell yes!!!! I LOVE IT!
I could run around the house naked if I wanted to! *starts cracking up* NO, no no no. God, what the hell is with my mind. I guess I feel a bit liberated when no one is watching me. And no, I actually couldn't do that, as there are windows in this house. I don't want to know what it'd be like for someone to peek in the window and see that.. *chokes on laughter* Ah gawd... Haha. That'd be very sad and very disturbing.
*grins big* What shall I do while home alone..? LET'S PARTY! Er.. No.
I know! I'll play with my dolls! Yes, that'd be fun. Tea party! It's been a while since I've had an imagination. I need to talk to them, ask how they are.
"Hey Mr. Toodles, how are you today?" Haha, no. I don't have one called that. I have..
Dobby, Shinata, and ones I don't remember the names of. I need to rename them all.
I love my dolls. ^____^ Child at heart, hell ya. I feel all giggly now, it's fun. Dress up! Tea party! I wish I had enough imagination for it to be more fun. It used to be a huge fun thing, but now it's almost empty. I need to have fun again. I haven't changed out of my pajamas yet... Whoops. o__o
Anyway, la la.. Time to be responsible. I may have the tea party some other day, as I have things I should do. But a fun thought. Anyway, hugs to everyone who bothers to read, and another hug to anyone who doesn't think I'm crazy after reading all my fretting about Zandry being missing.
By the way, he still rarely shows up.. Which sucks. But he will sometime. Oh, I mustn't forget, I have to develop the photos.. Yes.
Curses
I really like this song called September by the Cranes, but all I can find is guitar tabs and no song lyrics! Gah! If someone has better google skills than I and can find that, it'd be.. yay.
For now I'll try to by ear, but from previous experience, I get it all wrong, haha. her voice is soo hard to understand
If you just, if you just hold on to me, it would make me happy.
If you just hold on to me, I won't feel so empty.
With our eyes closed tightly, just as close as we can be
Like a rainbow made just for me, oh these times are precious to me.
...means happy dreams
..my eyes and it makes me feel
like I'd swim all on..
and it all falls down the stream
Over ruining beautiful dreams
but I can't feel
and I can't sleep
and I can't hear
and I can't see
and if never feel again
and if this is true in the end
then you better say goodbye
But I loved you,
just wanted you to know
I'm so sorry I never told you so
I've loved you,
just wanted you to know
so sorry I never told you so
For now I'll try to by ear, but from previous experience, I get it all wrong, haha. her voice is soo hard to understand
If you just, if you just hold on to me, it would make me happy.
If you just hold on to me, I won't feel so empty.
With our eyes closed tightly, just as close as we can be
Like a rainbow made just for me, oh these times are precious to me.
...means happy dreams
..my eyes and it makes me feel
like I'd swim all on..
and it all falls down the stream
Over ruining beautiful dreams
but I can't feel
and I can't sleep
and I can't hear
and I can't see
and if never feel again
and if this is true in the end
then you better say goodbye
But I loved you,
just wanted you to know
I'm so sorry I never told you so
I've loved you,
just wanted you to know
so sorry I never told you so
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Ya.
I just blocked my older brother, because he started harrassing me about my deviantArt account, and I don't want to hear it.
Dear Diary..
I'll pretend this is my diary.. ish.
--
Dear Diary, today.. Was interesting. What can I say. I'm happy to say Zandry is alive and breathing, and he is at least.. Nearly back, or, I don't have to worry as much. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, gah.. I'm hungry. I'd like some chocolate milk right now, but I'm busy writing this. I used up the last photo on my disposable camera. Mom saw me when I finally got off the phone, and asked me if I had any photos left. I said yes, I had one left. She had me pose in front of the door, and took a picture. She was saying how nice I looked in these pants, how I'm 'quite curvy and well-figured'. Haha, curvy.. that sounds odd to me. Good hips or something? Hah.. interesting. I guess curvy is a good thing in girls, mm..? Hm..
I have so many batteries sitting around needing to be recharged.. I'll put them away finally, because there are some in one camera and more on my shelf which have been forgotten. I've been finding a lack of charged batteries, so that's probably why.
I'm huuungry.. I should eat something very soon.
I find it ironic that Zandry finally came on once I left. I was.. Where was I..? Oh.. I hardly know. I was taking a shower, ah. And applying makeup. I only do that when I'm sad, lonely, or really bored. Play with my face. It's fun sometimes, but I prefer not to. It's bad when you get too used to how you look with it on, because then you start to believe you're ugly without it.
Yeah.. though Zandry's not been around, I forgive him. It's not like it's his fault exactly for being gone so much.. I think. His computer sucks, his brother hogs, and he has school.. Yeah. But I wish he'd be around more.. I miss him. Since school started we've been talking less because of how busy we are. I wish we could talk more..
He's perfect as usual, though. Just how I like guys to be.. Against drugs, smoking, drinking.. Listens and is kind and takes lightly of my mistakes... Funny. But he seemed quite gloomy when I talked to him, but obviously he had his reasons. God did I miss him. I was so relieved that he wasn't upset with me.. er.. not that I could tell. I was so glad to hear his voice.. Far too long. Missed him terribly. I was being driven out of my mind, not knowing if he was okay, not knowing what he was doing and if he was alive. It really scares me when he's gone so long, because.. I just don't know!
I'm going to eat and call him now, because it seems he's not coming online.
-Tanya
--
Dear Diary, today.. Was interesting. What can I say. I'm happy to say Zandry is alive and breathing, and he is at least.. Nearly back, or, I don't have to worry as much. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, gah.. I'm hungry. I'd like some chocolate milk right now, but I'm busy writing this. I used up the last photo on my disposable camera. Mom saw me when I finally got off the phone, and asked me if I had any photos left. I said yes, I had one left. She had me pose in front of the door, and took a picture. She was saying how nice I looked in these pants, how I'm 'quite curvy and well-figured'. Haha, curvy.. that sounds odd to me. Good hips or something? Hah.. interesting. I guess curvy is a good thing in girls, mm..? Hm..
I have so many batteries sitting around needing to be recharged.. I'll put them away finally, because there are some in one camera and more on my shelf which have been forgotten. I've been finding a lack of charged batteries, so that's probably why.
I'm huuungry.. I should eat something very soon.
I find it ironic that Zandry finally came on once I left. I was.. Where was I..? Oh.. I hardly know. I was taking a shower, ah. And applying makeup. I only do that when I'm sad, lonely, or really bored. Play with my face. It's fun sometimes, but I prefer not to. It's bad when you get too used to how you look with it on, because then you start to believe you're ugly without it.
Yeah.. though Zandry's not been around, I forgive him. It's not like it's his fault exactly for being gone so much.. I think. His computer sucks, his brother hogs, and he has school.. Yeah. But I wish he'd be around more.. I miss him. Since school started we've been talking less because of how busy we are. I wish we could talk more..
He's perfect as usual, though. Just how I like guys to be.. Against drugs, smoking, drinking.. Listens and is kind and takes lightly of my mistakes... Funny. But he seemed quite gloomy when I talked to him, but obviously he had his reasons. God did I miss him. I was so relieved that he wasn't upset with me.. er.. not that I could tell. I was so glad to hear his voice.. Far too long. Missed him terribly. I was being driven out of my mind, not knowing if he was okay, not knowing what he was doing and if he was alive. It really scares me when he's gone so long, because.. I just don't know!
I'm going to eat and call him now, because it seems he's not coming online.
-Tanya
By The Way..
I found out that the pills don't work until about two weeks pass. That's a long time.. So yeah, I don't know if it'll work yet. Hm..
---
My vocab skills:
---
My vocab skills:
| Advanced You scored 85% Beginner, 85% Intermediate, 80% Advanced, and 66% Expert! |
| You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score. Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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The Suffering
Some lyrics I'd like to share for the heck of it.
Is there a word you'd like to say?
Even in this old-fashioned way,
go make your move girl, I'm not coming home.
Would things have changed if I could have stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed in the blues day to day with my collar up.
Decision sits so make it quick
a breath inhaled from an air so sick
I curse the day that I heard of the web you've spun
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
Way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Would we live as a child could care
With this vial to drink, I dare
(oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste and tongue
(oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving, bye)
Should we try this again with host
(bye bye)
Or is it lost? Give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would
(then burn in hell young sinner)
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
Way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
you may be invited girl, but you're not coming in
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
I may be invited girl, but I'm not coming in
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
you may be invited girl, but you're not coming in
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
I may be invited girl, but I'm not coming in
and you're not coming in
-Coheed and Cambria
Is there a word you'd like to say?
Even in this old-fashioned way,
go make your move girl, I'm not coming home.
Would things have changed if I could have stayed?
Would you have loved me either way?
Dressed in the blues day to day with my collar up.
Decision sits so make it quick
a breath inhaled from an air so sick
I curse the day that I heard of the web you've spun
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
Way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Would we live as a child could care
With this vial to drink, I dare
(oh where have you been, oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with your taste and tongue
(oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving, bye)
Should we try this again with host
(bye bye)
Or is it lost? Give up the ghost
And should I die all alone as I knew I would
(then burn in hell young sinner)
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
Way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
you may be invited girl, but you're not coming in
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
I may be invited girl, but I'm not coming in
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have figured you out
way before the year clocked out, oh I hope you're waiting
(hey hey)
If it was up to me, I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out, oh I hope you're waiting
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
you may be invited girl, but you're not coming in
Listen well, will you marry me? (not now boy)
And are you wearing the suffering? (you've been)
The most gracious of hosts
I may be invited girl, but I'm not coming in
and you're not coming in
-Coheed and Cambria
And Zandry..
I love you! No matter what I say, I always will. I will never, ever be able to hate you. No matter what. Believe me. I'm super happy now, just because I talked to you. Feel so much better.. Ahh.. haha.
Read the poetry in Retracing-Steps. Let me give you a link...
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23090881/
And the other poetry I've been writing these past days..(some are gloomy, some are not really):
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23153146/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23089057/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23089629/
Yesh. I love Zandry. *hugs him* I don't care of his flaws, I love him still.
Read the poetry in Retracing-Steps. Let me give you a link...
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23090881/
And the other poetry I've been writing these past days..(some are gloomy, some are not really):
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23153146/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23089057/
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23089629/
Yesh. I love Zandry. *hugs him* I don't care of his flaws, I love him still.
A HUGE Sigh of Relief
Zandry, is alive. And I remember how much I love him.
I was quite disconcerted to find his messages on my yahoo when I came back upstairs. He thought I was ignoring him, so he said he'd be back some other day.
When I read his poem, I wanted to cry, and felt like I was gonna barf. I was doing this! Bad bad baad! I hate hurting people more than anything in the world! So..
I was like "OH SHIT!" and hurriedly wrote his phone number on my hand, grabbed my phone card, and said no to having dinner and went right to calling him.
When he answered the phone with hello and I responded, he was silent. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, and sounded terribly sad. Forced and strained. Uneven.
I felt soo bad. I asked him where he'd been. His brother has taken a liking to playing pool on his computer, and is hogging it, and he has a lot of school work to do. Oh, was my response.
I said he sounded sad. He said "huh, really?" and I was like "yeah.." I think he said he wasn't, so I said he sounded really weary then. He said yeah, that was closer to it.
I apologized for my moody whiny depression, and he said no, I shouldn't be sorry. I said he was forgiven, and he said he didn't deserve it. I said yes he did. He said I should like Weston or Nikhil. I said hell no, I like him. (no offense to you guys, just I love Zandry :P) I said even when I ignore him and act pissed off, I terribly want to talk to him. And all this ranting.. All it was, is I missed him. That's it.
I love him so so much. Only his absence drives me insane. I missed him sooooooooo much. I wished I could give him a hug right then, because he sounded sooo low. I vowed to be less insane when he went missing, next time.
I was quite disconcerted to find his messages on my yahoo when I came back upstairs. He thought I was ignoring him, so he said he'd be back some other day.
When I read his poem, I wanted to cry, and felt like I was gonna barf. I was doing this! Bad bad baad! I hate hurting people more than anything in the world! So..
I was like "OH SHIT!" and hurriedly wrote his phone number on my hand, grabbed my phone card, and said no to having dinner and went right to calling him.
When he answered the phone with hello and I responded, he was silent. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, and sounded terribly sad. Forced and strained. Uneven.
I felt soo bad. I asked him where he'd been. His brother has taken a liking to playing pool on his computer, and is hogging it, and he has a lot of school work to do. Oh, was my response.
I said he sounded sad. He said "huh, really?" and I was like "yeah.." I think he said he wasn't, so I said he sounded really weary then. He said yeah, that was closer to it.
I apologized for my moody whiny depression, and he said no, I shouldn't be sorry. I said he was forgiven, and he said he didn't deserve it. I said yes he did. He said I should like Weston or Nikhil. I said hell no, I like him. (no offense to you guys, just I love Zandry :P) I said even when I ignore him and act pissed off, I terribly want to talk to him. And all this ranting.. All it was, is I missed him. That's it.
I love him so so much. Only his absence drives me insane. I missed him sooooooooo much. I wished I could give him a hug right then, because he sounded sooo low. I vowed to be less insane when he went missing, next time.
Applied Poison
Sh*t sh*t.
I just put on makeup. Ohhhhh sh*t!! Goddamnit!
Anyone who know me should know.. when I put on makeup, it's not a good thing. It means, I'm desperate. Desperate to change how I look or to have a sense of security. Makeup is a poison thing. It's an apply-able instant confidence booster that makes you feel pretty, but feel ugly whenever you take it off. It means, I want to forget just for a day. This is the first time I've worn it in about.. Six or seven months..?
To make matters worse, I'm wearing tight pants. I NEVER wear tight pants. This is my only pair, dark blue and cotton. Flattering to my form. And that shirt that shows of my long neck and collarbone. This is not good..
And I'm going out to 'party'. I only do this when I feel lonely and I want to get away, and be free.
... This is not good. No no no. Not good at all.
The pills.. don't work. A disappointment. And no, they are not prep pills. I'm not being preppy because it's a sideaffect of my meds.
--
Yeah.. I'm going to blow dry my hair. Oh sh... Hypocrisy. No... No no no. I don't want to be what I hate..!
And my dad is being grumpy-ish. I don't like today. Last night was a dream, today is a nightmare... Well.. Last night was okay. At least, because I slept well, and my parents were strangely lovey towards me. Dad said how proud he was of me, and mom napped with me and said variation of the same. It was odd.. Really odd. Every now and then they do this, but I'm not used to it. I'm used to meeting their expectations with no real sign of approval.
When I want to feel pretty, I'm depressed. Depressed and wanting to be loved. Therefore, makeup. Therefore, flattering clothes. Pretend to be someone, not me, who is no one.
Oh sigh.. It doesn't help when mom says I look pretty. I look pretty with poison and I look pretty pretending I'm not me. I don't like it.. Yet I do. It helps me numb.
I feel sick.. I dislike this. Where is Zandry when ya need him..
I just put on makeup. Ohhhhh sh*t!! Goddamnit!
Anyone who know me should know.. when I put on makeup, it's not a good thing. It means, I'm desperate. Desperate to change how I look or to have a sense of security. Makeup is a poison thing. It's an apply-able instant confidence booster that makes you feel pretty, but feel ugly whenever you take it off. It means, I want to forget just for a day. This is the first time I've worn it in about.. Six or seven months..?
To make matters worse, I'm wearing tight pants. I NEVER wear tight pants. This is my only pair, dark blue and cotton. Flattering to my form. And that shirt that shows of my long neck and collarbone. This is not good..
And I'm going out to 'party'. I only do this when I feel lonely and I want to get away, and be free.
... This is not good. No no no. Not good at all.
The pills.. don't work. A disappointment. And no, they are not prep pills. I'm not being preppy because it's a sideaffect of my meds.
--
Yeah.. I'm going to blow dry my hair. Oh sh... Hypocrisy. No... No no no. I don't want to be what I hate..!
And my dad is being grumpy-ish. I don't like today. Last night was a dream, today is a nightmare... Well.. Last night was okay. At least, because I slept well, and my parents were strangely lovey towards me. Dad said how proud he was of me, and mom napped with me and said variation of the same. It was odd.. Really odd. Every now and then they do this, but I'm not used to it. I'm used to meeting their expectations with no real sign of approval.
When I want to feel pretty, I'm depressed. Depressed and wanting to be loved. Therefore, makeup. Therefore, flattering clothes. Pretend to be someone, not me, who is no one.
Oh sigh.. It doesn't help when mom says I look pretty. I look pretty with poison and I look pretty pretending I'm not me. I don't like it.. Yet I do. It helps me numb.
I feel sick.. I dislike this. Where is Zandry when ya need him..
Gloom
*sighs*
I feel sick of whining on my blog, which some people read, so I'll whine on this blog. (I changed my mind, so it's now posted here too)
I think the fact that I feel sweaty dirty and hot (that sounds wrong, shut the hell up) makes me ten times more prone to depressed thoughts. Because I feel disgusted at myself and sad and very very god damn lonely. I hate it with all my heart.
Shut up shut up. I don't want a word out of any one of you.. Wait, I do. I just feel like saying shut up and banging my head on a desk and passing out and dreaming.
Dreaming sucks! Sucks sucks sucks. And not that dreaming, dreams of life. Dreams to meet, dreams of love and dreams of all the rest of that crap.
I feel.. just.. shitty. ........... .. .. shitty.
I need some clean clothes, for my *blank* to go away (he has a *blank* phobia, if he ever reads this), to take a shower, to wash my hands and face and to lay down and take a deep breath of something that smells good. Don't ask me why. I just feel all gross. Like when you get the flu and wear the same clothes for a week and you feel all sweaty and eeww. Hygiene is a blessing.
Oh yeah. I took my medication today. Well.. I feel shitty, and it's not the meds. I know it. Because it's not one of those, I feel like shit for no reason. I feel like shit because I miss the only one who seems to care!
Hasn't called, hasn't talked. I just feel betrayed. It makes me really sad.
We talked everyday.. So why is it not.. anymore..?
He promised he'd never disappear from my life, like everyone eventually does. He keeps his promises. He doesn't hold to his word, but promises he binds his soul to. So where is he..? If he disappears.. Oh I don't know what I'll do. Depression! A hell of a lot of that!
Alex is bothering me asking how my boyfriend is, I don't have a boyfriend. I have love, but no boyfriend. I find it ironic that he only asks me this, when I'm having a hell of a lot of trouble. Last time he asked it, I stopped talking to the last person I loved. Because he started to hate me terribly, so I promised to never speak to him again, unless he wanted me to. 70 days of nothing but sadness.
I don't want to deal with this again. Please, no. No no no. Dear god, not again.
My writing on my wall grows weary. It glows beneath the blacklight, telling each secret and shouting every fear in my pathetic mind. Ever dream every wish.
Why, I ask..? I question, why? Why do I love and never get loved back? Why am I always trying and hanging onto those who would never stay? Why do they throw out a heart so easily? Why am I so.. Attached to the only ones I care about? Why must I only care of few? Why must so few in the world seem like angels in the midst of sin?
...
Shiveers. My hands go cold and I can't think straight. Well, I can think straight, but my thoughts are.. .. Sad. haha, what do you expect.
Here I sit, my hair a mess and I could use a good shower. Haha, a bathrobe and clothes that I shouldn't have put on, as the pants were once clean and the shirt is one of comfort that I would have liked to wear later.
In front of me is an empty bag of truffles from yesterday, five wrappers of rich chocolate. I'm not fat, so it's funny. I should be? Maybe. But I rarely eat so much of it.
On my hand is the doodle of yesterday. A faded phone number, a drawing.
It's four.. It's four and not a word. I hate this! You said you'd be there at six yesterday.
A phone card is only a reminder. Should I call..? I'm afraid to pick up the phone, as always. That means the medication isn't working.
The phone rings. I don't think it's for me.
Nope, not.
Hehe, such crap. Amazing how I can be so angsty with the absence of one I'm so close to. I guess it's like Azu, he was all upset when his boyfriend was gone (yeah, he's gay). But he's not my boyfriend. Funny how it all gets to my head.
Distance and unknown is good enough of an excuse, and understandable. Don't be chained to promise with someone so far away, who you've never seen eye to eye.
I'll take a shower, and draw. Drawing will help me feel better..?
Yeah. I'll tell you if the shitty days ever end.
I felt like this all of the 70 days. I don't want this again..
*sigh* Curse my emotion.
I feel sick of whining on my blog, which some people read, so I'll whine on this blog. (I changed my mind, so it's now posted here too)
I think the fact that I feel sweaty dirty and hot (that sounds wrong, shut the hell up) makes me ten times more prone to depressed thoughts. Because I feel disgusted at myself and sad and very very god damn lonely. I hate it with all my heart.
Shut up shut up. I don't want a word out of any one of you.. Wait, I do. I just feel like saying shut up and banging my head on a desk and passing out and dreaming.
Dreaming sucks! Sucks sucks sucks. And not that dreaming, dreams of life. Dreams to meet, dreams of love and dreams of all the rest of that crap.
I feel.. just.. shitty. ........... .. .. shitty.
I need some clean clothes, for my *blank* to go away (he has a *blank* phobia, if he ever reads this), to take a shower, to wash my hands and face and to lay down and take a deep breath of something that smells good. Don't ask me why. I just feel all gross. Like when you get the flu and wear the same clothes for a week and you feel all sweaty and eeww. Hygiene is a blessing.
Oh yeah. I took my medication today. Well.. I feel shitty, and it's not the meds. I know it. Because it's not one of those, I feel like shit for no reason. I feel like shit because I miss the only one who seems to care!
Hasn't called, hasn't talked. I just feel betrayed. It makes me really sad.
We talked everyday.. So why is it not.. anymore..?
He promised he'd never disappear from my life, like everyone eventually does. He keeps his promises. He doesn't hold to his word, but promises he binds his soul to. So where is he..? If he disappears.. Oh I don't know what I'll do. Depression! A hell of a lot of that!
Alex is bothering me asking how my boyfriend is, I don't have a boyfriend. I have love, but no boyfriend. I find it ironic that he only asks me this, when I'm having a hell of a lot of trouble. Last time he asked it, I stopped talking to the last person I loved. Because he started to hate me terribly, so I promised to never speak to him again, unless he wanted me to. 70 days of nothing but sadness.
I don't want to deal with this again. Please, no. No no no. Dear god, not again.
My writing on my wall grows weary. It glows beneath the blacklight, telling each secret and shouting every fear in my pathetic mind. Ever dream every wish.
Why, I ask..? I question, why? Why do I love and never get loved back? Why am I always trying and hanging onto those who would never stay? Why do they throw out a heart so easily? Why am I so.. Attached to the only ones I care about? Why must I only care of few? Why must so few in the world seem like angels in the midst of sin?
...
Shiveers. My hands go cold and I can't think straight. Well, I can think straight, but my thoughts are.. .. Sad. haha, what do you expect.
Here I sit, my hair a mess and I could use a good shower. Haha, a bathrobe and clothes that I shouldn't have put on, as the pants were once clean and the shirt is one of comfort that I would have liked to wear later.
In front of me is an empty bag of truffles from yesterday, five wrappers of rich chocolate. I'm not fat, so it's funny. I should be? Maybe. But I rarely eat so much of it.
On my hand is the doodle of yesterday. A faded phone number, a drawing.
It's four.. It's four and not a word. I hate this! You said you'd be there at six yesterday.
A phone card is only a reminder. Should I call..? I'm afraid to pick up the phone, as always. That means the medication isn't working.
The phone rings. I don't think it's for me.
Nope, not.
Hehe, such crap. Amazing how I can be so angsty with the absence of one I'm so close to. I guess it's like Azu, he was all upset when his boyfriend was gone (yeah, he's gay). But he's not my boyfriend. Funny how it all gets to my head.
Distance and unknown is good enough of an excuse, and understandable. Don't be chained to promise with someone so far away, who you've never seen eye to eye.
I'll take a shower, and draw. Drawing will help me feel better..?
Yeah. I'll tell you if the shitty days ever end.
I felt like this all of the 70 days. I don't want this again..
*sigh* Curse my emotion.
My Older Brother And I Discuss my Boyfriend- a very MATURE conversation
so hows your boyfriend?
what boyfriend?
ER DUNNO LOL
bastard
WHAT IS BOYFRIEND?!?! BEEP BEEP
lol, Beep..?
no, BEEP BEEP
I DUNNO! LOL!
you fail
WHAT IS A BOYFRIEND?
no I. nono. what is YOUR boyfriend
lol
WHAT ARE YOU GOING.!!?!?
*DOING
WHAT IS MY BOYFRIEND? I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD ONE! NO ALEX, WHAT ARE YOU GOING?
no where
WOOT you are teh win! lazy baka
I'm glad you finally understand.. NO.. NONO
hahah. no tengo un boyfriendo
TENGU!?!?!? YOUR DATING A 700 YEAR OLD FOREST SPIRIT?!?! ah well, better than printer boy..
hhahaha, wtf no.. tengu.. gross.. scary big nose .. T__T
MIAYAMO NO TENGO
IIIIIEEEEE!
whats miayamo mean? :/
no idea
you seemed very no though, thought you knew
I assume it means I am the master of teh tengu?
well, its the end of ayane's speech, which translated tho "behold, this is what it takes to defeat the tengu" so probably yea
hai teh win
I OWN j00
iie! I own joo!
IEE IEEE
I MUST EAT FOOD NOW~! NUTRITION GET!
so desu
WATASHI WA HUNGRY DESU! JA-NE!
WHAT IS HUNGRY BEEP BEEP yea it has orange range. damn them. Orange range did the first bleach intro, and the naruto intro. AHVE YOU EVER OF THE ORANGE RANGE>!!? note* the ONLY good naruto intro viva rock, thats what it was called. OH YAAAAY! OH YAAAAAAAAY! yea, you should see if they have Osu at recycle me next time you go. seems like something they might have
pish, whatever
you are so mean, when I get back, your the first one getting beat..... AT SMASHBROS
hahah
OHOH
lol
I want to play katamari damasy 2 so bad ;_;
*pat pat pat*
when I get home, mom will want to go out to dinn4r and stuff, I'm like NO! I MUST OSU AND DAMASY
you are teh noob
soudane
hai, soudesu
Alex is 18.
Shoot, you're right Zandry. He's a five year old. AND ZANDRY IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND SHUT UP T__T.
what boyfriend?
ER DUNNO LOL
bastard
WHAT IS BOYFRIEND?!?! BEEP BEEP
lol, Beep..?
no, BEEP BEEP
I DUNNO! LOL!
you fail
WHAT IS A BOYFRIEND?
no I. nono. what is YOUR boyfriend
lol
WHAT ARE YOU GOING.!!?!?
*DOING
WHAT IS MY BOYFRIEND? I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD ONE! NO ALEX, WHAT ARE YOU GOING?
no where
WOOT you are teh win! lazy baka
I'm glad you finally understand.. NO.. NONO
hahah. no tengo un boyfriendo
TENGU!?!?!? YOUR DATING A 700 YEAR OLD FOREST SPIRIT?!?! ah well, better than printer boy..
hhahaha, wtf no.. tengu.. gross.. scary big nose .. T__T
MIAYAMO NO TENGO
IIIIIEEEEE!
whats miayamo mean? :/
no idea
you seemed very no though, thought you knew
I assume it means I am the master of teh tengu?
well, its the end of ayane's speech, which translated tho "behold, this is what it takes to defeat the tengu" so probably yea
hai teh win
I OWN j00
iie! I own joo!
IEE IEEE
I MUST EAT FOOD NOW~! NUTRITION GET!
so desu
WATASHI WA HUNGRY DESU! JA-NE!
WHAT IS HUNGRY BEEP BEEP yea it has orange range. damn them. Orange range did the first bleach intro, and the naruto intro. AHVE YOU EVER OF THE ORANGE RANGE>!!? note* the ONLY good naruto intro viva rock, thats what it was called. OH YAAAAY! OH YAAAAAAAAY! yea, you should see if they have Osu at recycle me next time you go. seems like something they might have
pish, whatever
you are so mean, when I get back, your the first one getting beat..... AT SMASHBROS
hahah
OHOH
lol
I want to play katamari damasy 2 so bad ;_;
*pat pat pat*
when I get home, mom will want to go out to dinn4r and stuff, I'm like NO! I MUST OSU AND DAMASY
you are teh noob
soudane
hai, soudesu
Alex is 18.
Shoot, you're right Zandry. He's a five year old. AND ZANDRY IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND SHUT UP T__T.
Dreams Are Crazy Things
*eats her truffles*
*feels decently sick*
GOooOOOOOD Afternooon Readers! Today we'll be talking, dreams!
... *cough* What readers?
--
Last night, I slept like a rock. At 10:30 PM, I was dying, and fell into a deep sleep. Zandry didn't call nor show, so, I assume he's dead. I knew I'd have a lot of dreams, because before I fell asleep, I felt my hand move, because I was starting to think about playing ping-pong, therefore I twitched to move to not let it fall off the table.
I dreamt a very long and interesting dream. I only remember pieces.
In the dream, I dreamt I went to visit Micheal (Zandry). Dreamt of seeing him, giving him a big hug and being happy. The next day, I woke up (still in my dream). Zandry was without parents and without a family, child of the trees. (don't ask me..) Apparently there was some crazy thing involving when he grew up, he'd have a sliver in his arm so he'd never forget. (I know it's weird.. dreams are weird, I'll make no more comments) When I woke up in my dream, I wanted terribly to visit him. I didn't care how long, I just wanted to see him. I asked mom, why must it be so hard..? He's not that far away, just far enough to be troublesome. Why can't we go see him? I don't care how long, I don't care if it'd be a little boring at his place, I just wanted to see him. A day, two, I don't care. Just an extreme want to see him just once. I asked her, can we please go see him. To my surprise, she said yes. I packed up, but didn't pack much. It was THIS weekend, so I knew, I'd only have a day to stay. We went out driving and we went to places where roads were scarce. We went down to the water, and there was a big bridge, and we took a break. I realized, what if he wasn't home, what if he didn't want me to come. So we went all the way back, which was two hours away. It was Friday. I talked to him, and he said I could. We set off again, I told mom we should get going so we can get there in time.
Six hour drive, in my dream. I looked out the window most of the ride. I met him somewhere, I forget where. For some reason he had red (orange-ish) hair. Dreams are odd. I was happy to see him, and we hung out a lot and went to different places..
I don't remember much. But I'm thinking of him too much and I'm going crazy, you know.
*feels decently sick*
GOooOOOOOD Afternooon Readers! Today we'll be talking, dreams!
... *cough* What readers?
--
Last night, I slept like a rock. At 10:30 PM, I was dying, and fell into a deep sleep. Zandry didn't call nor show, so, I assume he's dead. I knew I'd have a lot of dreams, because before I fell asleep, I felt my hand move, because I was starting to think about playing ping-pong, therefore I twitched to move to not let it fall off the table.
I dreamt a very long and interesting dream. I only remember pieces.
In the dream, I dreamt I went to visit Micheal (Zandry). Dreamt of seeing him, giving him a big hug and being happy. The next day, I woke up (still in my dream). Zandry was without parents and without a family, child of the trees. (don't ask me..) Apparently there was some crazy thing involving when he grew up, he'd have a sliver in his arm so he'd never forget. (I know it's weird.. dreams are weird, I'll make no more comments) When I woke up in my dream, I wanted terribly to visit him. I didn't care how long, I just wanted to see him. I asked mom, why must it be so hard..? He's not that far away, just far enough to be troublesome. Why can't we go see him? I don't care how long, I don't care if it'd be a little boring at his place, I just wanted to see him. A day, two, I don't care. Just an extreme want to see him just once. I asked her, can we please go see him. To my surprise, she said yes. I packed up, but didn't pack much. It was THIS weekend, so I knew, I'd only have a day to stay. We went out driving and we went to places where roads were scarce. We went down to the water, and there was a big bridge, and we took a break. I realized, what if he wasn't home, what if he didn't want me to come. So we went all the way back, which was two hours away. It was Friday. I talked to him, and he said I could. We set off again, I told mom we should get going so we can get there in time.
Six hour drive, in my dream. I looked out the window most of the ride. I met him somewhere, I forget where. For some reason he had red (orange-ish) hair. Dreams are odd. I was happy to see him, and we hung out a lot and went to different places..
I don't remember much. But I'm thinking of him too much and I'm going crazy, you know.
Friday, September 23, 2005
My Heart is Broooooken!!!
"You got hit by a car, didn't you? NOOO! DON'T SAY YOU'RE DEAD!... um.. I mean.. DON'T BE DEAD!!!"
*runs off crying with dramatic violin music playing in her head and tears glittering as they trail from my cheeks*
"Heart.. Broken... AHHHHhhhhhhhhh!"
*is twirling around and running in circles around the house with dramatic sad violin music playing in her head*
I just posted this in a different place:
Oooooh, darling kawaii makiaru (zandry) es gooone.. He said he'd be here at six, or he'd be dead. So, I'll assume he's dead. ZANDRY IS DEAD! HE GOT HIT BY A CAR I BET!
Oh shoot, I'm not whining on my blog anymore, am I? I've retorted to making me look like I'm 11 here instead of in the semi-privacy of my own box (blog).
La la la la la la.. Time to act all dramatic. (this is me being childish)
*violin music plays*
*starts singing*
"la la.."
"Through these days, though time goes fast, and I can't sing.. But I'll sing of now and past...
Over a phone is all we can have, not a voice for less than this shiny penny, not a smile less than a photograph.
Make me a promise, a guarantee, that tomorrow and the next, you'll stay with me
No matter how far, no matter how long, but will you keep your promises?
Through all the days I'll wait, for the day when my hands don't shake
and through the days I'll wait, for a delayed dream
How many years does it take, for one fairy tale ending
But all our dreams and all aren't as they seem
I should stop believing stories, and stop having dreams
But my head goes on, and like before, i can't stop
is it another disorder? am I that f*cked?
But I never want to change, you see
if I wasn't like this, I wouldn't be me
But it's more than hard, to deal with this
hurting my friends in search of such bliss
friends to enemies, enemies of despise
piercing my security, a pair of harsh eyes
As if I'm not myself this time
Lips whisper words I never mean to say
mind screams, dumb and unkind
And nothing I do, is what I meant to
and everything i keep inside, I despise
tell me there's hope for my tomorrow
how much to return a heart you've borrowed
or what is the price I can pay
for it to remain this way..
please stay, please stay
don't fade, don't fade
from a life with little meaning
a heart always beating
for not a cause but me alive
moving and breathing until my demise
use of me is not but little
to live for someone with a life so brittle
it could crash any moment, any day
keeps me smiling, because as they say
you smile when they're watching,
to please, and you've caught me
smiling again
There's no much else I can do
but please those I can
there's not much I can say
but what helps, understand
just a pleased smile
is all it takes
to make my life
less a mistake
who can I make smile?
You, I've chosen
for reason, unknown
not much by,
rare appreciation
of what I can't appreciate
a laugh when I can't
a joke when I shan't
a daydream to be shared
not winced at and unprepared
for what to hear
my silly mind and little fear
Will you keep your promises?
Shitty singing/poetry is a sign that I'm hyper, and sad at the same time. Haha.
Please ignore me. Please.
"And this is how you pay me back for all my kinda and loving deeds, eh?... And they're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.. And they're coming to take me away, ha ha!"
Ignore all that, I'm being dumb. I heart Zandry though right now he's being stupid.
Hold to your word. Don't tell me you'll be there. Don't tell me you'll give me a birthday present. I can't rely on you. You've proven that four times now.
*runs off crying with dramatic violin music playing in her head and tears glittering as they trail from my cheeks*
"Heart.. Broken... AHHHHhhhhhhhhh!"
*is twirling around and running in circles around the house with dramatic sad violin music playing in her head*
I just posted this in a different place:
Oooooh, darling kawaii makiaru (zandry) es gooone.. He said he'd be here at six, or he'd be dead. So, I'll assume he's dead. ZANDRY IS DEAD! HE GOT HIT BY A CAR I BET!
Oh shoot, I'm not whining on my blog anymore, am I? I've retorted to making me look like I'm 11 here instead of in the semi-privacy of my own box (blog).
La la la la la la.. Time to act all dramatic. (this is me being childish)
*violin music plays*
*starts singing*
"la la.."
"Through these days, though time goes fast, and I can't sing.. But I'll sing of now and past...
Over a phone is all we can have, not a voice for less than this shiny penny, not a smile less than a photograph.
Make me a promise, a guarantee, that tomorrow and the next, you'll stay with me
No matter how far, no matter how long, but will you keep your promises?
Through all the days I'll wait, for the day when my hands don't shake
and through the days I'll wait, for a delayed dream
How many years does it take, for one fairy tale ending
But all our dreams and all aren't as they seem
I should stop believing stories, and stop having dreams
But my head goes on, and like before, i can't stop
is it another disorder? am I that f*cked?
But I never want to change, you see
if I wasn't like this, I wouldn't be me
But it's more than hard, to deal with this
hurting my friends in search of such bliss
friends to enemies, enemies of despise
piercing my security, a pair of harsh eyes
As if I'm not myself this time
Lips whisper words I never mean to say
mind screams, dumb and unkind
And nothing I do, is what I meant to
and everything i keep inside, I despise
tell me there's hope for my tomorrow
how much to return a heart you've borrowed
or what is the price I can pay
for it to remain this way..
please stay, please stay
don't fade, don't fade
from a life with little meaning
a heart always beating
for not a cause but me alive
moving and breathing until my demise
use of me is not but little
to live for someone with a life so brittle
it could crash any moment, any day
keeps me smiling, because as they say
you smile when they're watching,
to please, and you've caught me
smiling again
There's no much else I can do
but please those I can
there's not much I can say
but what helps, understand
just a pleased smile
is all it takes
to make my life
less a mistake
who can I make smile?
You, I've chosen
for reason, unknown
not much by,
rare appreciation
of what I can't appreciate
a laugh when I can't
a joke when I shan't
a daydream to be shared
not winced at and unprepared
for what to hear
my silly mind and little fear
Will you keep your promises?
Shitty singing/poetry is a sign that I'm hyper, and sad at the same time. Haha.
Please ignore me. Please.
"And this is how you pay me back for all my kinda and loving deeds, eh?... And they're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.. And they're coming to take me away, ha ha!"
Ignore all that, I'm being dumb. I heart Zandry though right now he's being stupid.
Hold to your word. Don't tell me you'll be there. Don't tell me you'll give me a birthday present. I can't rely on you. You've proven that four times now.
Zandry and Today and Stuff
"I'll be there tomorrow at six unless I get hit by a car"
If you get hit by a car, I'm going to finish you off. =P.. I can see that happening.. Haha.
You're so mellow that it's.. freaky. Are you like.. used to it.. or something..? o__o Or maybe you know I'm just missing you and being over-emotional as always. I loove that you're mellow! It makes it so much easier to deal with my dumb self. T__T.. Cuz I'll be regretting it but you won't be making me feel bad about it.
"well.. if you view it as half full, you can think of it as a compliment that I make such a fuss over you"
Haha, I don't make such a fuss over anyone else. You're special. =P
Despite his protests, I just went out and bought him the new Coheed & Cambria album.
I get braces in October... Oh joy.
My social anxiety, it got a bit less worse over the years. I adapted to my freaked-out-ness and I didn't notice it as much. I remember, in middle school and sometimes last year, I would regret for hours. I'd sit down, or lay down to go to sleep, and my thoughts would shout at me for all I'd said or done wrong. If I stuttered, I winced at it and hated myself for doing that. Same if I forgot to say thank you, didn't wave back to someone, or anything else that might disappoint. I was haunted by my regret, and there was nothing to do but sleep it off or just ignore it and do something else.
It's not that bad anymore.. I can make mistakes, and I forget fast enough that it doesn't hurt me as much, at least, the little things.
That B*TCH took my pen!!
*coughs*
Um..
Pet peeve. Pet peeeeve. When people borrow things and don't give them back! She took both of my pens!! The idiot! She borrowed one and then lost it and forgot and borrowed another, in the same day! Gawd! And she returned neither.. And I really liked that one pen...
Lol. My way of venting. Don't worry, I never swear in person and I don't sound nearly as dramatic as I do here. I say not a word in person. Silent. But my mind is something else.
A week ago, four people borrowed my calculator in the same day. Now that was irritating. An expensive graphing calculator. And how do you say no without sounding selfish?
Anyway.. Yeah. Oh yeah.. I was writing about my day yesterday.. didn't finish.. Crap. Well.. I will.. I think.
If you get hit by a car, I'm going to finish you off. =P.. I can see that happening.. Haha.
You're so mellow that it's.. freaky. Are you like.. used to it.. or something..? o__o Or maybe you know I'm just missing you and being over-emotional as always. I loove that you're mellow! It makes it so much easier to deal with my dumb self. T__T.. Cuz I'll be regretting it but you won't be making me feel bad about it.
"well.. if you view it as half full, you can think of it as a compliment that I make such a fuss over you"
Haha, I don't make such a fuss over anyone else. You're special. =P
Despite his protests, I just went out and bought him the new Coheed & Cambria album.
I get braces in October... Oh joy.
My social anxiety, it got a bit less worse over the years. I adapted to my freaked-out-ness and I didn't notice it as much. I remember, in middle school and sometimes last year, I would regret for hours. I'd sit down, or lay down to go to sleep, and my thoughts would shout at me for all I'd said or done wrong. If I stuttered, I winced at it and hated myself for doing that. Same if I forgot to say thank you, didn't wave back to someone, or anything else that might disappoint. I was haunted by my regret, and there was nothing to do but sleep it off or just ignore it and do something else.
It's not that bad anymore.. I can make mistakes, and I forget fast enough that it doesn't hurt me as much, at least, the little things.
That B*TCH took my pen!!
*coughs*
Um..
Pet peeve. Pet peeeeve. When people borrow things and don't give them back! She took both of my pens!! The idiot! She borrowed one and then lost it and forgot and borrowed another, in the same day! Gawd! And she returned neither.. And I really liked that one pen...
Lol. My way of venting. Don't worry, I never swear in person and I don't sound nearly as dramatic as I do here. I say not a word in person. Silent. But my mind is something else.
A week ago, four people borrowed my calculator in the same day. Now that was irritating. An expensive graphing calculator. And how do you say no without sounding selfish?
Anyway.. Yeah. Oh yeah.. I was writing about my day yesterday.. didn't finish.. Crap. Well.. I will.. I think.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Heated, I HATE THE WASL
I'm pissed off! Very pissed off. Just thinking about it makes me angry at the school district.
There's an act in Washington called 'No Child Left Behind'
The project makes it so us Sophomores and all the rest of the students to come in Washington state have to take the WASL (a test) to PASS high school. This is additional to any of the college entry tests all previous seniors have needed to take to continue on their way. The problem with the WASL is.. You have to pass all four sections.. Math, Reading, Science.. etc... Something.. If you fail ANY of the sections, you cannot graduate from high school.
The largest, most scary thing about this is.. 50% have failed the WASL. 50 fucking percent. They tested it on students, and 50% from MY school failed the WASL. What do you think that means..? That means about 40% will NOT make it out of high school. There are 20 students per classroom as it is. There will be about 40% of the school's flunkers staying in high school trying to pass the WASL. What do you think this will do..? 40% less room!!!! My friends who are below average.. They won't get a diploma. And if they don't get a diploma, they may not get a job. And if they don't get a job.. There SCREWED. What the HELL are these people THINKING~!? Are they even thinking??
I have to take this fucking test this year that half of the people have failed, to GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL! I HATE THIS. Makes me really wanna cry.. What if I'm not good at Science, huh, huh? I don't get to live.. I don't get to go to college.. I will be disrespected all my life because I don't have a diploma.. .......... What the hell am I supposed to do.. be perfect..? I'm not perfect. I can't pass a test that 50% fail.. Fuck fuck fuck.
It's not the teachers. It's the test. Fucking adults that believe kids have to know everything made the test. HOW do you judge thousands of children who you're not even seeing, not speaking to, and tell them if they're smart or dumb? Worthy to get a job or unworthy and left to rot? What about the disabled? What about my little brother, with his ADHD? What about all the wonderful people who aren't good at school?
Why are they making us pass a test that they know won't work..? Why are they rushing to try to stop kids from getting out into the world without a perfect mind?
This is conformity. They want us all to be the same, and perfect. They will make us robots. They will fill our minds with propaganda and facts and make us study it, as if it has something to do with our lives. They will make us have to be perfect in every section, and they will want us all the same. Why...?
THIS AFFECTS ME. This affects my FRIENDS. This affects their PARENTS. SO WHY DOESN'T ANYONE OPEN UP THEIR EYES AND STOP THIS SHIT FROM HAPPENING?
What the hell are they thinking?!??!!
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND? 415 CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE STUCK IN HIGH SCHOOL! YOU CALL THAT NOT LEAVING THEM BEHIND?? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING, F*CKING BASTARDS!
*takes a breath*
.... ... I hate life. :( I hate school. I hate people. All my life, I've hated school. How you must be perfect, or your life is ruined. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I'm not perfect. I'm terrible. Why must I get A's.. Why do I have to be perfect..?
*takes another breath*....
God.. I hate it so much.
Okay. Plan. I'm going to talk to my teachers after school. I'm going to talk to Ms. Fox and Ms. Grace, my two good teachers. I'm going to ask them about the WASL, and their opinion. I'm going to ask them what I can do. ... I'm sad sad sad I don't want to fail.. I don't want to take another test.. I don't want to take one that half will fail.. I don't want to be special if I pass, I don't want to be screwed if I fail.. I don't like this. Not one bit.
I'll try to pretend it's okay, but I'll be plotting all the while..
There's an act in Washington called 'No Child Left Behind'
The project makes it so us Sophomores and all the rest of the students to come in Washington state have to take the WASL (a test) to PASS high school. This is additional to any of the college entry tests all previous seniors have needed to take to continue on their way. The problem with the WASL is.. You have to pass all four sections.. Math, Reading, Science.. etc... Something.. If you fail ANY of the sections, you cannot graduate from high school.
The largest, most scary thing about this is.. 50% have failed the WASL. 50 fucking percent. They tested it on students, and 50% from MY school failed the WASL. What do you think that means..? That means about 40% will NOT make it out of high school. There are 20 students per classroom as it is. There will be about 40% of the school's flunkers staying in high school trying to pass the WASL. What do you think this will do..? 40% less room!!!! My friends who are below average.. They won't get a diploma. And if they don't get a diploma, they may not get a job. And if they don't get a job.. There SCREWED. What the HELL are these people THINKING~!? Are they even thinking??
I have to take this fucking test this year that half of the people have failed, to GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL! I HATE THIS. Makes me really wanna cry.. What if I'm not good at Science, huh, huh? I don't get to live.. I don't get to go to college.. I will be disrespected all my life because I don't have a diploma.. .......... What the hell am I supposed to do.. be perfect..? I'm not perfect. I can't pass a test that 50% fail.. Fuck fuck fuck.
It's not the teachers. It's the test. Fucking adults that believe kids have to know everything made the test. HOW do you judge thousands of children who you're not even seeing, not speaking to, and tell them if they're smart or dumb? Worthy to get a job or unworthy and left to rot? What about the disabled? What about my little brother, with his ADHD? What about all the wonderful people who aren't good at school?
Why are they making us pass a test that they know won't work..? Why are they rushing to try to stop kids from getting out into the world without a perfect mind?
This is conformity. They want us all to be the same, and perfect. They will make us robots. They will fill our minds with propaganda and facts and make us study it, as if it has something to do with our lives. They will make us have to be perfect in every section, and they will want us all the same. Why...?
THIS AFFECTS ME. This affects my FRIENDS. This affects their PARENTS. SO WHY DOESN'T ANYONE OPEN UP THEIR EYES AND STOP THIS SHIT FROM HAPPENING?
What the hell are they thinking?!??!!
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND? 415 CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE STUCK IN HIGH SCHOOL! YOU CALL THAT NOT LEAVING THEM BEHIND?? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING, F*CKING BASTARDS!
*takes a breath*
.... ... I hate life. :( I hate school. I hate people. All my life, I've hated school. How you must be perfect, or your life is ruined. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I'm not perfect. I'm terrible. Why must I get A's.. Why do I have to be perfect..?
*takes another breath*....
God.. I hate it so much.
Okay. Plan. I'm going to talk to my teachers after school. I'm going to talk to Ms. Fox and Ms. Grace, my two good teachers. I'm going to ask them about the WASL, and their opinion. I'm going to ask them what I can do. ... I'm sad sad sad I don't want to fail.. I don't want to take another test.. I don't want to take one that half will fail.. I don't want to be special if I pass, I don't want to be screwed if I fail.. I don't like this. Not one bit.
I'll try to pretend it's okay, but I'll be plotting all the while..
Oookay..
..Never mind. He's not back...
BACK TO THE BITCHING!!
Haha. No. Sorry. I'm not going to whine anymore.. T__T...
Er..... *holds mouth shut*... er..
I give up! As I said before! Bye!
BACK TO THE BITCHING!!
Haha. No. Sorry. I'm not going to whine anymore.. T__T...
Er..... *holds mouth shut*... er..
I give up! As I said before! Bye!
Sigh of Relief, the Fool is Back!
Haha, god damn you Zandry. =P
Yeah, the one who disappeared from the face of the earth for three days is back, and just that lifts a very large weight (no, not my backpack) off my shoulders. Speaking of that, I carry around three textbooks all day. T__T
Anyway, gawd! I feel beeetter! Better better better. Kinda the 'I'm going to twirl round and round for no reason!' feeling. Ahhh, I'm happy now. ^___^
He better have an excuse.. But now that he's here, the whole 'shit he hates me he's going to leave he's pissing me off damn him!' feeling has evaporated. Damn my forgiveness and happiness at just hearing from him. =P
Yeah, Zandry. Stop that, because whenever you do that, I get all depressed and crazy.
Readers! You witnessed the horrors! Tell him to stop! You do NOT want to see me whining in my blog again! :D
Anyway, I'm pretty cheerful now, <3 Hehe. Hooray.
--
But, life at home is not so cheerful. Well, no, it's not that bad, just the day was a bit.. off. I'll start a new entry for my story.
Yeah, the one who disappeared from the face of the earth for three days is back, and just that lifts a very large weight (no, not my backpack) off my shoulders. Speaking of that, I carry around three textbooks all day. T__T
Anyway, gawd! I feel beeetter! Better better better. Kinda the 'I'm going to twirl round and round for no reason!' feeling. Ahhh, I'm happy now. ^___^
He better have an excuse.. But now that he's here, the whole 'shit he hates me he's going to leave he's pissing me off damn him!' feeling has evaporated. Damn my forgiveness and happiness at just hearing from him. =P
Yeah, Zandry. Stop that, because whenever you do that, I get all depressed and crazy.
Readers! You witnessed the horrors! Tell him to stop! You do NOT want to see me whining in my blog again! :D
Anyway, I'm pretty cheerful now, <3 Hehe. Hooray.
--
But, life at home is not so cheerful. Well, no, it's not that bad, just the day was a bit.. off. I'll start a new entry for my story.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Oh Gawd...
I'm going to be so tired tomorrow...
Zandry Zandry Zandry... *sighs* You haven't seen one of the four rare poems nor one of these endless entries. I'll try.. not to worry.. But as I said, it's hard. I wish I knew why you were gone at least. When I don't know, I make up a reason. And these reasons are usually not good.
Zandry Zandry Zandry... *sighs* You haven't seen one of the four rare poems nor one of these endless entries. I'll try.. not to worry.. But as I said, it's hard. I wish I knew why you were gone at least. When I don't know, I make up a reason. And these reasons are usually not good.
Joys of Childhood
I loved teaching Carson things when he was a baby.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."
*silence*
"AHHHHhhhhhhh..."
*more silence
"Come on Caarson! Sing! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
"aahhbbhh..."
*Alex and I in unison* "AHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Oh god, that cracked me up so much.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"Bawbies. And bawbie clothes"
Oh god no. Hahha.
My favorite has to be when we're dancing. Hopping up and down and flailing our arms. God, so precious. I love these.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."
*silence*
"AHHHHhhhhhhh..."
*more silence
"Come on Caarson! Sing! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
"aahhbbhh..."
*Alex and I in unison* "AHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Oh god, that cracked me up so much.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"Bawbies. And bawbie clothes"
Oh god no. Hahha.
My favorite has to be when we're dancing. Hopping up and down and flailing our arms. God, so precious. I love these.
Has Anyone Noticed That..
....my blog is currently filled with 'I'm waiting for Zandry' 'I miss Zandry' 'I want to go to bed but I'm waiting for Zandry' 'Zandry still isn't back' 'I hate waiting' etc...?
I predicted when school started, he'd stop talking to me. So, can you see why I'm freaking out?
Twice!
Zaaandry.. If you're going to do this, I'm going to stop being online at all. Because it just bugs me. If you're not going to be around to talk to me, I won't bother waiting for you. Call me sometime. If you can't call me, well, you're screwed.
Even saying this I'm still checking yahoo every hour, but I may stop doing that, if you remain gone.
It makes me all sad anyway. Buh bye. Hope to hear from you, someday.
I predicted when school started, he'd stop talking to me. So, can you see why I'm freaking out?
Twice!
Zaaandry.. If you're going to do this, I'm going to stop being online at all. Because it just bugs me. If you're not going to be around to talk to me, I won't bother waiting for you. Call me sometime. If you can't call me, well, you're screwed.
Even saying this I'm still checking yahoo every hour, but I may stop doing that, if you remain gone.
It makes me all sad anyway. Buh bye. Hope to hear from you, someday.
And...
Walking towards the dining room from my bedroom, I paused and noted my shoes, just to the side of the middle of the floor. They were spaced in such a perfect way, as if someone was standing right there, had stopped in their tracks, and disappeared. Something about this made me stop and stare at them for a while, and slowly walk closer. I slowly came closer to the carefully aligned shoes, stopping just before my toes would graze the back of the heel. I stared at the nothing in front of me, and raised my arms up to wrap around air, and I hugged the invisible boy..
Aaaaagaggahaghhhg...
T___T
I hate waiting! With all my heart! *sizzles in a pissed-ish-ness*
It drives me nuuts! Nuts nuts nuts! Waiting sucks!
It's like waiting by the phone. I go online, then offline, then check his page, then log in, then log off, then log in on the other username, then log off, then check yahoo, then check my blog, then check his page again!! Repeat! I hate it!
Driving me insane come back so I can ask you questions!! DO YOU HAVE THE NEW COHEED AND CAMBRIA ALBUM? What do you want me to TAKE PICTURES of? WHY ARE YOU GONE?
Anxious anxious anxious! *checks yahoo again* *he's not there* *signs off*
What happened this time..? Church crap? Phone calls? Another camp? (I swear she did it on purpose..) Reunited with an old friend? Too lazy to talk to me? Clubs? Homework? (as if that'd stop you) Computer trouble? Grounded? Banned? WHAT?
This is the one thing in the world that bothers me most!!
Waiting for something, not knowing when, not knowing where, but just having to wait and guess and check and possibly miss it!
... *pulls on hair* Ahhh..
I hate waiting! With all my heart! *sizzles in a pissed-ish-ness*
It drives me nuuts! Nuts nuts nuts! Waiting sucks!
It's like waiting by the phone. I go online, then offline, then check his page, then log in, then log off, then log in on the other username, then log off, then check yahoo, then check my blog, then check his page again!! Repeat! I hate it!
Driving me insane come back so I can ask you questions!! DO YOU HAVE THE NEW COHEED AND CAMBRIA ALBUM? What do you want me to TAKE PICTURES of? WHY ARE YOU GONE?
Anxious anxious anxious! *checks yahoo again* *he's not there* *signs off*
What happened this time..? Church crap? Phone calls? Another camp? (I swear she did it on purpose..) Reunited with an old friend? Too lazy to talk to me? Clubs? Homework? (as if that'd stop you) Computer trouble? Grounded? Banned? WHAT?
This is the one thing in the world that bothers me most!!
Waiting for something, not knowing when, not knowing where, but just having to wait and guess and check and possibly miss it!
... *pulls on hair* Ahhh..
Minna Daisuki..
"everyone loves.."
Katamari Damacy!
Today we got We Love Katamari for the PS2. In Japan it's called Minna Daisuki Katamari Damacy, which translates to "everyone loves Katamari Damacy!" A katamari is a pile of rubble, and hell if I know what damacy is. But, it's an awesome game.. So weird.
So, We Love Katamari came out in stores today. Mom got the LAST copy in the store that they had. Wow! Lucky!!! That was close! So Carson is playing it now, and I'm going to save it for tomorrow, when I have less homework..? No, I'll save it for the weekend. I have two tests on Friday. Blah.
"How's the game?"
"Great"
Okay, it'll be fun. Haaaah. And if Zandry isn't around today, he shall DIE! O___O
Fine, no, he won't die.
Zandry, if you don't come.. You don't get the Jelly Belly's, the twelve photos of me I'm taking, the card, and the Coheed and Cambria album.
THINK ABOUT IT.
That sounds pretty good.. Don't you think? Oh, and if you come.. Well.. If you come before 6:30, I'll sing for you.
OFFER ENDS SOON!
--
No no, I changed my mind. If you don't come today, you don't get the Coheed and Cambria album. If you don't come tomorrow, you don't get the pictures. If you don't come the next day, you won't get the Jelly Belly's, and if you come before 6:30, I'll sing for you, providing that you call, as I misplaced my phone card for now.
Katamari Damacy!
Today we got We Love Katamari for the PS2. In Japan it's called Minna Daisuki Katamari Damacy, which translates to "everyone loves Katamari Damacy!" A katamari is a pile of rubble, and hell if I know what damacy is. But, it's an awesome game.. So weird.
So, We Love Katamari came out in stores today. Mom got the LAST copy in the store that they had. Wow! Lucky!!! That was close! So Carson is playing it now, and I'm going to save it for tomorrow, when I have less homework..? No, I'll save it for the weekend. I have two tests on Friday. Blah.
"How's the game?"
"Great"
Okay, it'll be fun. Haaaah. And if Zandry isn't around today, he shall DIE! O___O
Fine, no, he won't die.
Zandry, if you don't come.. You don't get the Jelly Belly's, the twelve photos of me I'm taking, the card, and the Coheed and Cambria album.
THINK ABOUT IT.
That sounds pretty good.. Don't you think? Oh, and if you come.. Well.. If you come before 6:30, I'll sing for you.
OFFER ENDS SOON!
--
No no, I changed my mind. If you don't come today, you don't get the Coheed and Cambria album. If you don't come tomorrow, you don't get the pictures. If you don't come the next day, you won't get the Jelly Belly's, and if you come before 6:30, I'll sing for you, providing that you call, as I misplaced my phone card for now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Counting the Ways You Can't Love Me
Yeah. I'm going to dive right into every little stupid worry I have in my life, and tell it all. And act like there's actually a chance of all my fears. So please don't think I'm convinced of all of these things. These are my 'what ifs' that I hate to death.
You're totally going to leave. Every day you'll come around less and less, phone calls never again, and eventually, screeching to a halt. Promises of birthday presents and daydreams of someday visiting will disintegrate on the spot. You tell me to stop missing you because you'd feel guilty. You tell me to stop liking you, because it's not mutual. To ever talk to you, I'll have to ask. I'll pester you and ask you why you're gone, and I'll just be a pain who stalks you. You'll not have the time for me as you get real friends, and realize that a girl a country away isn't worth your time, no matter how pretty you think she is, no matter how fun it'd be to someday see her, you just don't have the patience to wait that long and spend that much just for a week visiting.
Online talking will become a pain and you'll have nothing to say to me.
You'll give up on getting a passport, as it's too hard and time consuming. I'll ask you, and every day you'll say you're working on it, but in truth it's far too overwhelming, and you're afraid to tell me.
She'll start talking to you again, and you'll remember how much you love her. She, your savior, your best friend. Maybe someday you'd be able to be together, and she breaks the news. And of course, when that happens, I'm gone. I almost left the first time, again, hell if I can stay much longer, it'd hurt too much. And at that time, it's not like I'd have a chance.
If not her, some one else. I'm not worth the bother, and not worth your time. There's a lot better out there, and you'll finally break out of such a silly idea and leave.
Or.. You'll realize what a pain in the ass I am compared to most people. Or you'll find I'm not as pretty as you thought.
I'm far too clingy and it'll drive you mad, someday.
Jealousy will make me a bitch and I won't let you go no matter how hard things get between us until you hate me more than anyone.
I'll deprive you of sleep and tell you to eat. I'll nag you of every dangerous thing you do and I'm the goody-goody who can't have fun. Expect to be treasured though I'm trash. Afraid of people and afraid of everything.
Counting the ways it will end.
I'll fall into the poetry depression again, and days will feel long and lonely. Just like last time. I won't be able to write about anything else, and smiles will be a memory and a goal. Every time I see anything that reminds me of you it'll hurt and I'll feel stupid. Very very stupid.
*sigh*
Haha, I'm so negative. But this is what I think at the back of my head, every day you're gone. Doubt consumes.
So come back and give me a good hard jab so I can think straight and not be so afraid every day that goes by, when I don't hear a word from you. Please. Or, tell me that it's true? Hahah.
Past experiences give me the greatest paranoia, regret, and insecurity. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a burden, and people would prefer if I would go away and leave them alone, fade out of their lives.
I know it's not true but.. I still feel that way.
Only love can break your heart. Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear. Two songs I've heard.
Never jump before you see what's at the bottom, and before checking how far the drop. Please tell me..
You're totally going to leave. Every day you'll come around less and less, phone calls never again, and eventually, screeching to a halt. Promises of birthday presents and daydreams of someday visiting will disintegrate on the spot. You tell me to stop missing you because you'd feel guilty. You tell me to stop liking you, because it's not mutual. To ever talk to you, I'll have to ask. I'll pester you and ask you why you're gone, and I'll just be a pain who stalks you. You'll not have the time for me as you get real friends, and realize that a girl a country away isn't worth your time, no matter how pretty you think she is, no matter how fun it'd be to someday see her, you just don't have the patience to wait that long and spend that much just for a week visiting.
Online talking will become a pain and you'll have nothing to say to me.
You'll give up on getting a passport, as it's too hard and time consuming. I'll ask you, and every day you'll say you're working on it, but in truth it's far too overwhelming, and you're afraid to tell me.
She'll start talking to you again, and you'll remember how much you love her. She, your savior, your best friend. Maybe someday you'd be able to be together, and she breaks the news. And of course, when that happens, I'm gone. I almost left the first time, again, hell if I can stay much longer, it'd hurt too much. And at that time, it's not like I'd have a chance.
If not her, some one else. I'm not worth the bother, and not worth your time. There's a lot better out there, and you'll finally break out of such a silly idea and leave.
Or.. You'll realize what a pain in the ass I am compared to most people. Or you'll find I'm not as pretty as you thought.
I'm far too clingy and it'll drive you mad, someday.
Jealousy will make me a bitch and I won't let you go no matter how hard things get between us until you hate me more than anyone.
I'll deprive you of sleep and tell you to eat. I'll nag you of every dangerous thing you do and I'm the goody-goody who can't have fun. Expect to be treasured though I'm trash. Afraid of people and afraid of everything.
Counting the ways it will end.
I'll fall into the poetry depression again, and days will feel long and lonely. Just like last time. I won't be able to write about anything else, and smiles will be a memory and a goal. Every time I see anything that reminds me of you it'll hurt and I'll feel stupid. Very very stupid.
*sigh*
Haha, I'm so negative. But this is what I think at the back of my head, every day you're gone. Doubt consumes.
So come back and give me a good hard jab so I can think straight and not be so afraid every day that goes by, when I don't hear a word from you. Please. Or, tell me that it's true? Hahah.
Past experiences give me the greatest paranoia, regret, and insecurity. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a burden, and people would prefer if I would go away and leave them alone, fade out of their lives.
I know it's not true but.. I still feel that way.
Only love can break your heart. Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear. Two songs I've heard.
Never jump before you see what's at the bottom, and before checking how far the drop. Please tell me..
When I got home today, I opera singed hello. "Helloooo, hello heloooooooooo!" and then covered my mouth when I realized the window was open.
*choking*
Still got crap in my throat from the mile run we did today.
Mainly I was opera singing to clear my throat because it's caked with spit and whatever the hell it's called. Phlegm.. And it feels gross. If the windows were closed, I'd continue to opera sing. Maybe I'll continue when I take a shower. Hahaha. I haven't made that horror-inducing noise in years.
I can't believe I made it to sixth period in time..... We were half way back and there was five minutes to be in the locker room and change! So I ran really fast after doing the mile run to get back and change very quickly and run up to the third floor. Yowch.
*choking*
Still got crap in my throat from the mile run we did today.
Mainly I was opera singing to clear my throat because it's caked with spit and whatever the hell it's called. Phlegm.. And it feels gross. If the windows were closed, I'd continue to opera sing. Maybe I'll continue when I take a shower. Hahaha. I haven't made that horror-inducing noise in years.
I can't believe I made it to sixth period in time..... We were half way back and there was five minutes to be in the locker room and change! So I ran really fast after doing the mile run to get back and change very quickly and run up to the third floor. Yowch.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Held In Words
Even as this place is my place to express myself, I feel like I won't express myself completely.
Readers are known, and I'm tempted to hold my tongue.
Because all words hold a small risk. To hurt. So I fear truly speaking out straight from this head.
My happy dance mood sizzled out, and as the dark comes, I'm tired. I have things to do, homework, and I worry. I worry of the things that remain undone, and the things that may happen tomorrow.
I miss Zandry. Haha, don't I always say that? I guess it's because I always do. He says to quit missing him, but I can't help it. Maybe that's why I hesitate to say so. 150 dollars saved up... 300 to go...
I think the main reason I miss him is because, every time he's gone, I'm afraid he won't come back. I get this sick feeling every time. Long distance relationships, they're bound to fail. So now I'm just waiting for it to end, like last time. Phobia of being left all alone usual results in just what you fear, and often times because you're so afraid of it.
Sorry to sound so down, but this is how I get, at night. And this is how I sound when you hear my mind.
Please wait for me.
And this is when nervous hands reach up to my face and make red and make me look worse. My nails are always short, chipped from days of worry and unable to keep so still as to be calm.
I want to prove myself worthy. This isn't enough. You don't know me and you don't see me, you don't know me. Take your best guess, maybe you're close. But you'll never know until we meet, face to face. My tongue twisted voice and easy blush, my fear of such little things. Quite flawed. But sometimes flaws compliment, as in your case.
All I can say is.. wait for me. Wait for the day. I pray you won't disappear before I may show you who I really am. I hope that all can be done in time, and that you'll someday make it here. If I'm wrong about you, we shall see. If you're wrong about me, the same fate.
There's so much better out there, I don't know how I can even remotely shine through. This way, there's no way for me to know if I'm worth your time. So, I wish to someday prove to myself, that I'm worth it. But until we meet, I'll never know. I hope to prove that I'm worth your time.. Even though I doubt it.
You can't see me as I am, you can't know how I am. As I said in a grave mistake.. All you ever see is my mind, what I usually hide inside. You'll see me when I'm sad, you'll see me when stressed and nervous and irritated, when all I can do is vent it out. And it will all be taken out on you, in some cases. I may sound sad, I may sound upset and depressed... But what you'll never see.. it's what haunts me. You'll never see my smile, you'll never hear me laugh, you'll never watch me looking out the window, you'll never know anything but what I keep inside. What you will never know, makes me ask, why couldn't it be another way. Would you love me if you knew who I really was.. In exact quotes, I said..:
"All he sees is when I'm sad, or upset, or grumpy. I wait for him for hours, just to hear him, so I can feel happy. By the time he's back, my eyes hurt, my mood is down, and anything I say to him is like venting. Sometimes he makes me happier, sometimes it just makes it worse. It's so hard this way. And then he wonders why I'm so eager to talk to him, how I'm always right there when he comes. It's because I want to be happy, because by night, the happiness fades. And I want to help him, too. I think I scare him, sometimes. How obsessed I am. But, this is the only way I'd ever catch him.. If I just come randomly, he'll be busy, or he'll disappear. And I miss him.. So I wait. It's so hard to go.."
That was my worst mistake of my life.. That whole experience. I ask, shall this be the second worst?
And I don't really know what I'm saying...... I'm just rambling my worries.
"What if you really
could have loved me
Me, not her
Not that annoying girl
with her crying and her pain
With her hurt among her brain
and a grudge when you were gone
to the life I couldn’t be a part of...
What if you loved me,
the girl who would smile
at you even if you shouted
The girl who would love you
even if you pouted
The one who was kind
to everyone she could be
but had a world of sad
and black and white
hidden in her, to what she could be?
What if you saw
me when I rampaged about
downtown, with a laugh
Twirled with my hot chocolate
and ran
across the pavement
to warm up, even though they stared
and smiled at the strangers
as I grin foolishly
wanting to be
as happy as I could be?
What if you saw me,
when I was happy
when I was laughy
when I was shy
when I was sly
When all the emotion mixed together
to make someone
you never knew..?
What if you watched
as I stargazed
Pointing out the litter dipper
and Orion's belt
as I loved the moment
and how it felt
and how everything was so beautiful..?
What if you knew me..?"
-March 13th 2005
Readers are known, and I'm tempted to hold my tongue.
Because all words hold a small risk. To hurt. So I fear truly speaking out straight from this head.
My happy dance mood sizzled out, and as the dark comes, I'm tired. I have things to do, homework, and I worry. I worry of the things that remain undone, and the things that may happen tomorrow.
I miss Zandry. Haha, don't I always say that? I guess it's because I always do. He says to quit missing him, but I can't help it. Maybe that's why I hesitate to say so. 150 dollars saved up... 300 to go...
I think the main reason I miss him is because, every time he's gone, I'm afraid he won't come back. I get this sick feeling every time. Long distance relationships, they're bound to fail. So now I'm just waiting for it to end, like last time. Phobia of being left all alone usual results in just what you fear, and often times because you're so afraid of it.
Sorry to sound so down, but this is how I get, at night. And this is how I sound when you hear my mind.
Please wait for me.
And this is when nervous hands reach up to my face and make red and make me look worse. My nails are always short, chipped from days of worry and unable to keep so still as to be calm.
I want to prove myself worthy. This isn't enough. You don't know me and you don't see me, you don't know me. Take your best guess, maybe you're close. But you'll never know until we meet, face to face. My tongue twisted voice and easy blush, my fear of such little things. Quite flawed. But sometimes flaws compliment, as in your case.
All I can say is.. wait for me. Wait for the day. I pray you won't disappear before I may show you who I really am. I hope that all can be done in time, and that you'll someday make it here. If I'm wrong about you, we shall see. If you're wrong about me, the same fate.
There's so much better out there, I don't know how I can even remotely shine through. This way, there's no way for me to know if I'm worth your time. So, I wish to someday prove to myself, that I'm worth it. But until we meet, I'll never know. I hope to prove that I'm worth your time.. Even though I doubt it.
You can't see me as I am, you can't know how I am. As I said in a grave mistake.. All you ever see is my mind, what I usually hide inside. You'll see me when I'm sad, you'll see me when stressed and nervous and irritated, when all I can do is vent it out. And it will all be taken out on you, in some cases. I may sound sad, I may sound upset and depressed... But what you'll never see.. it's what haunts me. You'll never see my smile, you'll never hear me laugh, you'll never watch me looking out the window, you'll never know anything but what I keep inside. What you will never know, makes me ask, why couldn't it be another way. Would you love me if you knew who I really was.. In exact quotes, I said..:
"All he sees is when I'm sad, or upset, or grumpy. I wait for him for hours, just to hear him, so I can feel happy. By the time he's back, my eyes hurt, my mood is down, and anything I say to him is like venting. Sometimes he makes me happier, sometimes it just makes it worse. It's so hard this way. And then he wonders why I'm so eager to talk to him, how I'm always right there when he comes. It's because I want to be happy, because by night, the happiness fades. And I want to help him, too. I think I scare him, sometimes. How obsessed I am. But, this is the only way I'd ever catch him.. If I just come randomly, he'll be busy, or he'll disappear. And I miss him.. So I wait. It's so hard to go.."
That was my worst mistake of my life.. That whole experience. I ask, shall this be the second worst?
And I don't really know what I'm saying...... I'm just rambling my worries.
"What if you really
could have loved me
Me, not her
Not that annoying girl
with her crying and her pain
With her hurt among her brain
and a grudge when you were gone
to the life I couldn’t be a part of...
What if you loved me,
the girl who would smile
at you even if you shouted
The girl who would love you
even if you pouted
The one who was kind
to everyone she could be
but had a world of sad
and black and white
hidden in her, to what she could be?
What if you saw
me when I rampaged about
downtown, with a laugh
Twirled with my hot chocolate
and ran
across the pavement
to warm up, even though they stared
and smiled at the strangers
as I grin foolishly
wanting to be
as happy as I could be?
What if you saw me,
when I was happy
when I was laughy
when I was shy
when I was sly
When all the emotion mixed together
to make someone
you never knew..?
What if you watched
as I stargazed
Pointing out the litter dipper
and Orion's belt
as I loved the moment
and how it felt
and how everything was so beautiful..?
What if you knew me..?"
-March 13th 2005
Dance Dance Rock Rock
Again, I want to dance.
I want to hop up and down
and twirl round and round,
but I can't will my feet,
nor would their annoyance be discreet..
Wanna go and play
but nothing goes my way
and not one can nor will
dance with me
I wanna rock
to walk the walk
and talk the talk
scream loud and
rock off socks
and laugh as I
act a fool
breaking all the dancing rules
and I don't care of eyes, it's fine
all their minds are unlike mine
and they'd never understand
what they're missing
spending time on dissing
a style so long to develop
so pointless careless, tell ya what
I just move to the beat
and trip over my own feet
and my smiles take over
*whistles* Random crap poetry.
Haha, I desperately want to dance with Zandry, even though he can't dance, even though he's not here. I can at least crack up to myself as I picture it. Ahaha.. I'd love that!
I'd love to make a fool of myself right now. I'd really love it. Sometimes these songs really let something out. Or maybe drags soul clawing at my insides closer to the surface, begging to be let out. To be let free of this cramped and withdrawn solitary cage.
Two songs that are really getting stuck in my head -
Girl Anachronism, Dresdon Dolls.. and No New Tale To Tell, Love and Rockets
No New Tale To Tell is really.. Something. I think I heard it when I was little, and something about it really makes me wanna dance. Haha, weirdness.
When I was little, I danced nearly every day. I would buy ridiculous looking dresses because they looked so lovely to twirl in. I would put on my favorite red 'slippers' (like Cinderella), and just twirl around and around for such a long time. I'd make dramatic stories in my head to classical and to my dad's loud music. When I was about four dad would dance with us. Carson would get jealous and start to cry, so we'd each take one of his hands.
When we couldn't get to sleep, dad played music and put us up on his shoulders, dancing slowly till we were out.
Until I was about eleven or twelve, I couldn't fall asleep without music playing. I'd listen to the radio, because I just couldn't sleep without the sound... Music is for sure a large part of my life..
I want to hop up and down
and twirl round and round,
but I can't will my feet,
nor would their annoyance be discreet..
Wanna go and play
but nothing goes my way
and not one can nor will
dance with me
I wanna rock
to walk the walk
and talk the talk
scream loud and
rock off socks
and laugh as I
act a fool
breaking all the dancing rules
and I don't care of eyes, it's fine
all their minds are unlike mine
and they'd never understand
what they're missing
spending time on dissing
a style so long to develop
so pointless careless, tell ya what
I just move to the beat
and trip over my own feet
and my smiles take over
*whistles* Random crap poetry.
Haha, I desperately want to dance with Zandry, even though he can't dance, even though he's not here. I can at least crack up to myself as I picture it. Ahaha.. I'd love that!
I'd love to make a fool of myself right now. I'd really love it. Sometimes these songs really let something out. Or maybe drags soul clawing at my insides closer to the surface, begging to be let out. To be let free of this cramped and withdrawn solitary cage.
Two songs that are really getting stuck in my head -
Girl Anachronism, Dresdon Dolls.. and No New Tale To Tell, Love and Rockets
No New Tale To Tell is really.. Something. I think I heard it when I was little, and something about it really makes me wanna dance. Haha, weirdness.
When I was little, I danced nearly every day. I would buy ridiculous looking dresses because they looked so lovely to twirl in. I would put on my favorite red 'slippers' (like Cinderella), and just twirl around and around for such a long time. I'd make dramatic stories in my head to classical and to my dad's loud music. When I was about four dad would dance with us. Carson would get jealous and start to cry, so we'd each take one of his hands.
When we couldn't get to sleep, dad played music and put us up on his shoulders, dancing slowly till we were out.
Until I was about eleven or twelve, I couldn't fall asleep without music playing. I'd listen to the radio, because I just couldn't sleep without the sound... Music is for sure a large part of my life..
Set On Repeat
(I'm obviously procrastinating homework)
Sweet Jane (With Affection) - Two Nice Girls
They Don't Know - Kirsty MacColl
It Won't Be Long [Acoustic] - Alison Moyet
Carolyn's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
Fresh Feeling - Eels
Bizarre Love Triange - Frente!
Let Go - Frou Frou
Soho Square - Kirsty MacColl
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
I'll Keep It With Mine - Rainy Day
Us - Regina Spektor
Mario's Cafe - Saint Etienne
Southern Bess (A Field Holler) - Shelleyan Orphan
Little Death - Shelleyan Orphan
Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer
Instant Hit - The Slits
This Charming Man - The Smiths
Ask - The Smiths
Then She Appeared - XTC
Dear God - XTC
In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
(Believed You Were) Lucky - 'Til Tuesday
All Of My Heart - ABC
The Jug Of Punch - Atlan
Sleepy Maggie - Ashley MacIsaac
L-L-Love - Astaire
Oblivious - Aztec Camera
Venus As A Boy - Bjork
The Sound Of Settling -Death Cab For Cutie
In A Mood - Fabulon
Shimmer - Fuel
The Whole Shebang - Grant Lee Buffalo
I'd Run Away - The Jayhawks
He's On The Beach - Kirsty MacColl
Pretend We're Dead - L7
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Finding Out True Love is Blind - Louis XIV
No New Tale To Tell - Love & Rockets
The Great Beyond - R.E.M.
Etc.
"Oh, all the poet, they studied rules of verse. And the ladies, they rolled their eyes."
"I tell them not to bother me, because when they look at you they don't see what I see"
"There's gonna be a time, might take a while, but changes are coming. And it won't be long"
"Whispers might prove it all (You're just closer to me when you fall, but you broke) This would prove it all"
"Try, try to forget, what's in the past, tomorrow is here. Love on the sky above, lie in your way, there's nothing to fear"
"It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find, living the life that I can't leave behind"
"So let go, jump in, oh well, whatcha waiting for. It's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
"And I'll be much to old to cry. And you'll kiss me quick in case I die before my birthday"
"It's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death"
"If you might think I'm odd, if I say I'm not loving you for what you are, but what you're not"
"We wear our scarves just like a noose, but not 'cause we want eternal sleep"
"Joking around still digging that sound. Everyone's dreaming of all they've got to live for"
"Oh, Southern Bess.. The patient queen of silly dream."
"The water's cold, my fingers wrinkle.. Like anyone. Sun comes in, to wake me up and ease the pain, it should.."
"Kiss me down by the broken tree house, swing me upon its hanging tire"
"He is a boy, he's very thin, and till tomorrow.. took heroin.. don't like himself very much, because he is set to self-destruct"
"I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear. This man said it's gruesome that someone so handsome should care"
"Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you, from doing all the things in life that you'd like to"
"And the moon which formerly shone on a marbled midnight mile, suddenly just packed its bags now shines from her bright smile"
"I won't believe in heaven or hell, no saints, no sinners, no devil as well. No pearly gates, no thorny crown, you're always letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you drown"
"Do you believe, in what you see. Motionless wheel, nothing is real. Wasting my time, in the waiting line"
"I wish you believed in life, believed in fate, believed you were lucky, and worth the wait."
"What's it like to have loved and to lose her touch? What's it like to have loved and to lose that much?"
"And every young man that passes by, he can have a drink and remember I"
"Tha nid na circe-fraoiche. 'S a' mhuilinn dubh, 's a' mhuilinn dubh"
"Flirting with disaster, you're the one I'm after. Think I've found my destiny. Luxury and danger, rapture me my stranger"
"They're calling all the shots, they'll call and say they phone, they'll call us lonely when we're really just alone"
"He sets off the beauty in her, he's venus as a boy. He believes in a beauty, he's venus as a boy"
"And I'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say"
"No there's nothing in the back of my head, nothing stupid I haven't already said"
"Strawberry surprise, pink linen on white paper. Lavender and cream. Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her."
"We'll take the whole shebang, free your heart of guilt and shame. Come and claim what's yours"
"You said a couple of things to me, you said a couple things that showed your place, but how many ways. how many ways can I say it"
"When he called me up one day and said he was going away, I thought he meant a week in France, and not twelve thousand miles to Sydney Bay"
"When we pretend that we're dead, they can't hear a word we've said, when we pretend that we're dead"
"I was lying on the grass on sunday morning of last week, indulging in my self defeats."
"Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed (finding out true love is blind) and your vanilla friend, well she looks like something I need"
"My world is your world. People like to hear their names. I'm not exception, please call my name"
"I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears. Sweetest dreams of you. I look to the stars, I look to the moon"
Sweet Jane (With Affection) - Two Nice Girls
They Don't Know - Kirsty MacColl
It Won't Be Long [Acoustic] - Alison Moyet
Carolyn's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
Fresh Feeling - Eels
Bizarre Love Triange - Frente!
Let Go - Frou Frou
Soho Square - Kirsty MacColl
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
I'll Keep It With Mine - Rainy Day
Us - Regina Spektor
Mario's Cafe - Saint Etienne
Southern Bess (A Field Holler) - Shelleyan Orphan
Little Death - Shelleyan Orphan
Kiss Me - Sixpence None The Richer
Instant Hit - The Slits
This Charming Man - The Smiths
Ask - The Smiths
Then She Appeared - XTC
Dear God - XTC
In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
(Believed You Were) Lucky - 'Til Tuesday
All Of My Heart - ABC
The Jug Of Punch - Atlan
Sleepy Maggie - Ashley MacIsaac
L-L-Love - Astaire
Oblivious - Aztec Camera
Venus As A Boy - Bjork
The Sound Of Settling -Death Cab For Cutie
In A Mood - Fabulon
Shimmer - Fuel
The Whole Shebang - Grant Lee Buffalo
I'd Run Away - The Jayhawks
He's On The Beach - Kirsty MacColl
Pretend We're Dead - L7
Steal My Sunshine - Len
Finding Out True Love is Blind - Louis XIV
No New Tale To Tell - Love & Rockets
The Great Beyond - R.E.M.
Etc.
"Oh, all the poet, they studied rules of verse. And the ladies, they rolled their eyes."
"I tell them not to bother me, because when they look at you they don't see what I see"
"There's gonna be a time, might take a while, but changes are coming. And it won't be long"
"Whispers might prove it all (You're just closer to me when you fall, but you broke) This would prove it all"
"Try, try to forget, what's in the past, tomorrow is here. Love on the sky above, lie in your way, there's nothing to fear"
"It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find, living the life that I can't leave behind"
"So let go, jump in, oh well, whatcha waiting for. It's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown"
"And I'll be much to old to cry. And you'll kiss me quick in case I die before my birthday"
"It's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death"
"If you might think I'm odd, if I say I'm not loving you for what you are, but what you're not"
"We wear our scarves just like a noose, but not 'cause we want eternal sleep"
"Joking around still digging that sound. Everyone's dreaming of all they've got to live for"
"Oh, Southern Bess.. The patient queen of silly dream."
"The water's cold, my fingers wrinkle.. Like anyone. Sun comes in, to wake me up and ease the pain, it should.."
"Kiss me down by the broken tree house, swing me upon its hanging tire"
"He is a boy, he's very thin, and till tomorrow.. took heroin.. don't like himself very much, because he is set to self-destruct"
"I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear. This man said it's gruesome that someone so handsome should care"
"Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you, from doing all the things in life that you'd like to"
"And the moon which formerly shone on a marbled midnight mile, suddenly just packed its bags now shines from her bright smile"
"I won't believe in heaven or hell, no saints, no sinners, no devil as well. No pearly gates, no thorny crown, you're always letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you drown"
"Do you believe, in what you see. Motionless wheel, nothing is real. Wasting my time, in the waiting line"
"I wish you believed in life, believed in fate, believed you were lucky, and worth the wait."
"What's it like to have loved and to lose her touch? What's it like to have loved and to lose that much?"
"And every young man that passes by, he can have a drink and remember I"
"Tha nid na circe-fraoiche. 'S a' mhuilinn dubh, 's a' mhuilinn dubh"
"Flirting with disaster, you're the one I'm after. Think I've found my destiny. Luxury and danger, rapture me my stranger"
"They're calling all the shots, they'll call and say they phone, they'll call us lonely when we're really just alone"
"He sets off the beauty in her, he's venus as a boy. He believes in a beauty, he's venus as a boy"
"And I'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been, if I'd only thought of something charming to say"
"No there's nothing in the back of my head, nothing stupid I haven't already said"
"Strawberry surprise, pink linen on white paper. Lavender and cream. Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her."
"We'll take the whole shebang, free your heart of guilt and shame. Come and claim what's yours"
"You said a couple of things to me, you said a couple things that showed your place, but how many ways. how many ways can I say it"
"When he called me up one day and said he was going away, I thought he meant a week in France, and not twelve thousand miles to Sydney Bay"
"When we pretend that we're dead, they can't hear a word we've said, when we pretend that we're dead"
"I was lying on the grass on sunday morning of last week, indulging in my self defeats."
"Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed (finding out true love is blind) and your vanilla friend, well she looks like something I need"
"My world is your world. People like to hear their names. I'm not exception, please call my name"
"I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears. Sweetest dreams of you. I look to the stars, I look to the moon"
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