Held In Words

Even as this place is my place to express myself, I feel like I won't express myself completely.
Readers are known, and I'm tempted to hold my tongue.
Because all words hold a small risk. To hurt. So I fear truly speaking out straight from this head.

My happy dance mood sizzled out, and as the dark comes, I'm tired. I have things to do, homework, and I worry. I worry of the things that remain undone, and the things that may happen tomorrow.
I miss Zandry. Haha, don't I always say that? I guess it's because I always do. He says to quit missing him, but I can't help it. Maybe that's why I hesitate to say so. 150 dollars saved up... 300 to go...
I think the main reason I miss him is because, every time he's gone, I'm afraid he won't come back. I get this sick feeling every time. Long distance relationships, they're bound to fail. So now I'm just waiting for it to end, like last time. Phobia of being left all alone usual results in just what you fear, and often times because you're so afraid of it.
Sorry to sound so down, but this is how I get, at night. And this is how I sound when you hear my mind.
Please wait for me.
And this is when nervous hands reach up to my face and make red and make me look worse. My nails are always short, chipped from days of worry and unable to keep so still as to be calm.

I want to prove myself worthy. This isn't enough. You don't know me and you don't see me, you don't know me. Take your best guess, maybe you're close. But you'll never know until we meet, face to face. My tongue twisted voice and easy blush, my fear of such little things. Quite flawed. But sometimes flaws compliment, as in your case.
All I can say is.. wait for me. Wait for the day. I pray you won't disappear before I may show you who I really am. I hope that all can be done in time, and that you'll someday make it here. If I'm wrong about you, we shall see. If you're wrong about me, the same fate.
There's so much better out there, I don't know how I can even remotely shine through. This way, there's no way for me to know if I'm worth your time. So, I wish to someday prove to myself, that I'm worth it. But until we meet, I'll never know. I hope to prove that I'm worth your time.. Even though I doubt it.
You can't see me as I am, you can't know how I am. As I said in a grave mistake.. All you ever see is my mind, what I usually hide inside. You'll see me when I'm sad, you'll see me when stressed and nervous and irritated, when all I can do is vent it out. And it will all be taken out on you, in some cases. I may sound sad, I may sound upset and depressed... But what you'll never see.. it's what haunts me. You'll never see my smile, you'll never hear me laugh, you'll never watch me looking out the window, you'll never know anything but what I keep inside. What you will never know, makes me ask, why couldn't it be another way. Would you love me if you knew who I really was.. In exact quotes, I said..:

"All he sees is when I'm sad, or upset, or grumpy. I wait for him for hours, just to hear him, so I can feel happy. By the time he's back, my eyes hurt, my mood is down, and anything I say to him is like venting. Sometimes he makes me happier, sometimes it just makes it worse. It's so hard this way. And then he wonders why I'm so eager to talk to him, how I'm always right there when he comes. It's because I want to be happy, because by night, the happiness fades. And I want to help him, too. I think I scare him, sometimes. How obsessed I am. But, this is the only way I'd ever catch him.. If I just come randomly, he'll be busy, or he'll disappear. And I miss him.. So I wait. It's so hard to go.."

That was my worst mistake of my life.. That whole experience. I ask, shall this be the second worst?

And I don't really know what I'm saying...... I'm just rambling my worries.


"What if you really
could have loved me
Me, not her
Not that annoying girl
with her crying and her pain
With her hurt among her brain
and a grudge when you were gone
to the life I couldn’t be a part of...
What if you loved me,
the girl who would smile
at you even if you shouted
The girl who would love you
even if you pouted
The one who was kind
to everyone she could be
but had a world of sad
and black and white
hidden in her, to what she could be?

What if you saw
me when I rampaged about
downtown, with a laugh
Twirled with my hot chocolate
and ran
across the pavement
to warm up, even though they stared
and smiled at the strangers
as I grin foolishly
wanting to be
as happy as I could be?

What if you saw me,
when I was happy
when I was laughy
when I was shy
when I was sly
When all the emotion mixed together
to make someone
you never knew..?

What if you watched
as I stargazed
Pointing out the litter dipper
and Orion's belt
as I loved the moment
and how it felt
and how everything was so beautiful..?

What if you knew me..?"

-March 13th 2005