I remember, I heard them. My eyes were closed. I didn't want them to wake me up, so I pretended to be asleep. Overheard a conversation between Nana and Mom.
"Sleeping beauty, hm?"
"Yeah."
"She looks so pretty when she sleeps, and I love how her hair curls like that."
'huh..' I thought to myself. Didn't expect them to say that. My face was freshly scabbed from my own nervous hands, and my hair was dirty, a mess, likely sticking in odd angles from laying strangely.
I don't remember what else they said, I had fallen back to sleep.
I think I dreamt of Zandry, but I don't remember what happened.
Speaking of Zandry, I'm in suspense.. I won't say why.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Soul Spilling
It seems, I'll never be able to tell anyone everything, ever again. I did once, and what, it killed me? Well, I was stupid as it is.. Aren't I still stupid? Yes. Yes yes yes. But it depends... Do you think it's stupid? My stupidity can be smiled at, if with/at the right person. You can roll your eyes, get irritated, and never speak to me again, if you dislike it. That's how it is.
I was just reminded. I hide a lot, a loot. But..? But.. I say a lot, too. It distracts everyone from what I hide. But sometimes I don't even know that I'm hiding something, until I say it. I realize.. I never said that before. I never told anyone that before. I never admitted it, I didn't want to, I realize. I'm afraid to spill my soul to anyone, more than a cup at a time. Too much, and they can run away with it. Leave me empty? It takes a while to get your soul back, when you've spilled it. It feels good to spill your soul, you share it, you split it. It makes you happy, no? More to share, more smiles. More relief. But if you spill too much, they have it all. And you attach yourself to them. And you never want them to leave. And then when they do, something goes missing. It takes a long long long time to fill back your soul, to replace what you spilled. You can spill your soul as much as you like to someone, as long as they stay. Leave, and you die, a bit. But you'll come back.
Hm.. that was odd.
You know what I want to do..?
I want to.. to...... I don't know. Hahaha. No, I know, but I won't tell you.
Well, can I? Don't give me those 'you are stupid' looks. Don't be doing that. You already know that I'm dumb, so do you need to? I got it, I got it..
I want to go down to Green Lake.. Hahah, no, not run away, this time. I want to go down there, look at the water. But the problem is, a silhouette is my company. I need matter to fill the emptiness. I miss the one who's not there?
"I look to you, and I see nothing. I look to you, to see the truth.. You live your life, you go in shadows. You'll come apart and you'll go black. Some kind of night, into your darkness. Colors your eyes with what's not there.."
I need some company.. Mmmmm.. I think the lonely-meter is going up, since I'm tired. Yeaah. Daydreams are coming into my head. Repeatedly the box-in-backyard daydream, haha. Alone it would be just plain scary.. I mean, an open box.. You'd be glancing around at every sound, convinced someone would kill you.. Wait, that's me. If you were there, you wouldn't be afraid.
Why would I enjoy it that much? Who knows, but I would... I wish I wish I wish. Haha, my dreams are so weird. Life is better that way, simple, but simply lovely. Look around and see everything that way, and you'll be in bliss. I like my simple daydreams.. Can't I grant one?
I should sleep... goodnight.
I was just reminded. I hide a lot, a loot. But..? But.. I say a lot, too. It distracts everyone from what I hide. But sometimes I don't even know that I'm hiding something, until I say it. I realize.. I never said that before. I never told anyone that before. I never admitted it, I didn't want to, I realize. I'm afraid to spill my soul to anyone, more than a cup at a time. Too much, and they can run away with it. Leave me empty? It takes a while to get your soul back, when you've spilled it. It feels good to spill your soul, you share it, you split it. It makes you happy, no? More to share, more smiles. More relief. But if you spill too much, they have it all. And you attach yourself to them. And you never want them to leave. And then when they do, something goes missing. It takes a long long long time to fill back your soul, to replace what you spilled. You can spill your soul as much as you like to someone, as long as they stay. Leave, and you die, a bit. But you'll come back.
Hm.. that was odd.
You know what I want to do..?
I want to.. to...... I don't know. Hahaha. No, I know, but I won't tell you.
Well, can I? Don't give me those 'you are stupid' looks. Don't be doing that. You already know that I'm dumb, so do you need to? I got it, I got it..
I want to go down to Green Lake.. Hahah, no, not run away, this time. I want to go down there, look at the water. But the problem is, a silhouette is my company. I need matter to fill the emptiness. I miss the one who's not there?
"I look to you, and I see nothing. I look to you, to see the truth.. You live your life, you go in shadows. You'll come apart and you'll go black. Some kind of night, into your darkness. Colors your eyes with what's not there.."
I need some company.. Mmmmm.. I think the lonely-meter is going up, since I'm tired. Yeaah. Daydreams are coming into my head. Repeatedly the box-in-backyard daydream, haha. Alone it would be just plain scary.. I mean, an open box.. You'd be glancing around at every sound, convinced someone would kill you.. Wait, that's me. If you were there, you wouldn't be afraid.
Why would I enjoy it that much? Who knows, but I would... I wish I wish I wish. Haha, my dreams are so weird. Life is better that way, simple, but simply lovely. Look around and see everything that way, and you'll be in bliss. I like my simple daydreams.. Can't I grant one?
I should sleep... goodnight.
Monday, June 27, 2005
An Interruption to my Story
It's Zandry's birthday..
He was gone all day. I tried to call three times, but he wasn't there. So I shrugged, and wondered if he was having fun with his party, or maybe had gone out to town.
So it was nine, and I called again. Just kept ringing. I went back upstairs, and who showed up? Zandry had left a message on yahoo. I spazzed out. "it's you!!!!!" and I was soo hyper. "I called exactly one minute ago" "oh really? that's too bad" and he says he's at a friend's house. A friend who has a webcam. Now, Zandry doesn't have a webcam, I've never really seen him besides in old pictures, since he doesn't have a camera right now. So I was suuuper excited. Rapid heartbeat and fangirlish hyperness. I gooot too seeeeeee him!!!! Haaha!!
So I'm really happy. Only thing is, his friend needed to use the internet, so he went off. But heeee'll be baaaack! *happy* I can't wait!
He was gone all day. I tried to call three times, but he wasn't there. So I shrugged, and wondered if he was having fun with his party, or maybe had gone out to town.
So it was nine, and I called again. Just kept ringing. I went back upstairs, and who showed up? Zandry had left a message on yahoo. I spazzed out. "it's you!!!!!" and I was soo hyper. "I called exactly one minute ago" "oh really? that's too bad" and he says he's at a friend's house. A friend who has a webcam. Now, Zandry doesn't have a webcam, I've never really seen him besides in old pictures, since he doesn't have a camera right now. So I was suuuper excited. Rapid heartbeat and fangirlish hyperness. I gooot too seeeeeee him!!!! Haaha!!
So I'm really happy. Only thing is, his friend needed to use the internet, so he went off. But heeee'll be baaaack! *happy* I can't wait!
Walk Faster
(story of sunday)
Deep breaths. I hide my head under the pillow, and try to swallow back all the feelings I'm getting at once. Crying is like choking, I realize. You choke on air, coughing, choking, and tears are hardly anything of it. They're just what makes it more real. You choke on your emotions, and they all surface. Try to purge out the emotions.
Am I really that terrible? I am. I am. That's what went through my head. I've become who I've never wanted to be. The idiotic teen, the stupid girl who never listens. The one I swore I'd never become. The one who makes people cry and doesn't even care. I cried for that. Held down the lock. They wouldn't be able to get in, even with a key. Shouted back through the door. Stinging feelings, remembrance of what happened before. The crashing depression, poetry, love, the remarks from mother and brother. How stupid can you be? You don't fall for someone so far away! You don't love someone who doesn't love you back. "I bet he won't call" I respond with silence.
Remembering that, and a repeated fate, I couldn't stand it. She cries and I don't care. Where have I gone? I've gone into my world of imaginary friends and people who aren't there. I've gone into my poetry and into falling for who I'll never meet. Got lost, again. My life disappears into dreams and wishes, and I close my eyes and continue to dream. Where have I gone?
Anyone who crushes these dreams.. Well, you can say goodbye to any smiles I get, knowing you. My dreams mean more than anything to me. My family tends to crush them, over and over. So I lose the smiles and grow irritable, and never drop out of my world of imaginary.
I'm sorry.
Deep breaths. I hide my head under the pillow, and try to swallow back all the feelings I'm getting at once. Crying is like choking, I realize. You choke on air, coughing, choking, and tears are hardly anything of it. They're just what makes it more real. You choke on your emotions, and they all surface. Try to purge out the emotions.
Am I really that terrible? I am. I am. That's what went through my head. I've become who I've never wanted to be. The idiotic teen, the stupid girl who never listens. The one I swore I'd never become. The one who makes people cry and doesn't even care. I cried for that. Held down the lock. They wouldn't be able to get in, even with a key. Shouted back through the door. Stinging feelings, remembrance of what happened before. The crashing depression, poetry, love, the remarks from mother and brother. How stupid can you be? You don't fall for someone so far away! You don't love someone who doesn't love you back. "I bet he won't call" I respond with silence.
Remembering that, and a repeated fate, I couldn't stand it. She cries and I don't care. Where have I gone? I've gone into my world of imaginary friends and people who aren't there. I've gone into my poetry and into falling for who I'll never meet. Got lost, again. My life disappears into dreams and wishes, and I close my eyes and continue to dream. Where have I gone?
Anyone who crushes these dreams.. Well, you can say goodbye to any smiles I get, knowing you. My dreams mean more than anything to me. My family tends to crush them, over and over. So I lose the smiles and grow irritable, and never drop out of my world of imaginary.
I'm sorry.
Couldn't Take It
"Sorrow... For letting.. Someone else.. Define you.. Know who you are at every age. What.. Impression am I making..? I see me as other people see me. There is not going back, I can't stop feeling now.. I am not the same, I am growing up again. I am not the same.. I'm growing up again.."
She thought I was cleaning my room to please her, when I left. Or maybe writing hate notes to her, one of the two. She was sitting, reading in the basement. I had been lying on my bed, I had locked myself in my room. She said she's horrified that she didn't know. She doesn't want to know how long.
When she starting crying I couldn't handle it. She did what she did before. The reminders, of how impossible everything is, how I'm stupid, how they don't care about me. Telling me my friends don't like me, you may as well. Reminding me of the faults I don't want to think about. The ones I'm trying to convince myself not to believe. And then she starts crying, as I ignore her and quote her words. As I ignore that she tells me to go, to go to bed, to clean my room, to stop quoting her. I just sit there, numbing. She leaves. She shouts from the stairs. I sit there. Frozen.
I hold hardly any pity, but guilt. I wonder.. 'Why do you do this..? Why do you make fun of me, tell me that he doesn't care, say that I'm overwhelming, and then start crying at what I do to you..?'
I do nothing. And that's worth crying over?
So, I ran away.
It's fucking summer. Why do you do this? You have to give us rules and regulations, to feel like a good parent. You're the same as Alex, who enjoys dragging me downstairs by the wrist with brute force if I don't listen. Who jabs at the keys and quits my conversations. Who laughs at me and comments on everything. You do that, and what do you expect? You expect me to walk down those stairs, and you expect me to clean my room. You expect me to do this, now now now. And you guilt trip me with everything you've ever given me. Why bother giving me anything at all, if that is the only purpose?
It hurts me, sometimes.
--
9:30 PM, Sunday, June 26th
Everyone's bothering me now... mom's sitting here, staring at my conversation. She laughs at me.
"Oh, interesting, he doesn't write back, hm?"
They're all against you.
"let's just paint us as the bad people.."
"he's going to think you're crazy"
"the poor guy, he can't even get a word in, she's yakking so much"
Hey, talk, prove them wrong.
"yeah right"
"tsk tsk"
"I'm seeing if the guy's gonna write back anything, but he's not"
"she's freaking him out"
They're all fucking harassing me. At once. Mom's pissed at me now.
"I'm giving you rules, Tanya, and you're going to have to deal with that"
She's pissed indeed.
Freaking out.
*sighs* Shit.
*goes numb*
It's funny... I do everything they say, or they'll hate me. They comment over my shoulder, laugh at my friends, tell me to give up everything I care about. And then they tell me I don't respect them, don't care. They tell me all the things they give me, but the funny thing is, why do they even bother giving anything to me..? Why do they give me anything, when all they use it for is something I have to give back? Something to guilt trip me with later. And this is why I sometimes wish to run away. They laugh at me, at how stupid I am. If I left just for a while, where would I even go?
'Porch?'
I don't want them to find me, just for a while..
'under the porch?'
Hah. There is no under the porch.
'ok, on the roof!'
I can't get there.
'use your fairy wings'
Hah.. I wish..
'if that doesn't work, climb a tree. Who ever looks in a tree?'
We don't have any trees.
'find a tree, then climb right up there, be sure to bring a snack'
If I could climb trees, that would help.
'hah, then bring a step stool. Or better yet, a fire truck!'
Sure...
'trampoline would work too..
Don't have one. Trees are kinda out of it. How else can I? How else can I.. get away?
'take a cab to India'
Nope. And I'm serious.
'seriousness is not my strong point'
Mm..
I hate my life. No way to escape everyone. I can't live without someone telling me how to, and making me feel bad.
'I hate that I can't help....'
Lol.. Somehow prove that they're wrong, that would do something, but you really shouldn't bother. I don't even know.. I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I'm screwed.
'well don't'
How..?
'I don't know'
Hm.. I have two minutes. In two minutes, I either go to my room, lock the door, and I'll keep it locked. Or I could run away, but I don't know where to go. But I'm not opening my door for a long time.
'well don't run away'
Why?
'cuz you don't have anywhere to go'
Hah. Anywhere but here?
'so it seems'
Mhm. I'm eventually going to have to face what I "did" which is.. Nothing? I did nothing, and I'm in trouble for that. Because there's so much I should do. I should clean my room, I should wake up early every morning, I should go to bed early as well, and I should be with my family. But I don't want to. So, I'll have to face that.
----------
She thought I was cleaning my room to please her, when I left. Or maybe writing hate notes to her, one of the two. She was sitting, reading in the basement. I had been lying on my bed, I had locked myself in my room. She said she's horrified that she didn't know. She doesn't want to know how long.
When she starting crying I couldn't handle it. She did what she did before. The reminders, of how impossible everything is, how I'm stupid, how they don't care about me. Telling me my friends don't like me, you may as well. Reminding me of the faults I don't want to think about. The ones I'm trying to convince myself not to believe. And then she starts crying, as I ignore her and quote her words. As I ignore that she tells me to go, to go to bed, to clean my room, to stop quoting her. I just sit there, numbing. She leaves. She shouts from the stairs. I sit there. Frozen.
I hold hardly any pity, but guilt. I wonder.. 'Why do you do this..? Why do you make fun of me, tell me that he doesn't care, say that I'm overwhelming, and then start crying at what I do to you..?'
I do nothing. And that's worth crying over?
So, I ran away.
It's fucking summer. Why do you do this? You have to give us rules and regulations, to feel like a good parent. You're the same as Alex, who enjoys dragging me downstairs by the wrist with brute force if I don't listen. Who jabs at the keys and quits my conversations. Who laughs at me and comments on everything. You do that, and what do you expect? You expect me to walk down those stairs, and you expect me to clean my room. You expect me to do this, now now now. And you guilt trip me with everything you've ever given me. Why bother giving me anything at all, if that is the only purpose?
It hurts me, sometimes.
--
9:30 PM, Sunday, June 26th
Everyone's bothering me now... mom's sitting here, staring at my conversation. She laughs at me.
"Oh, interesting, he doesn't write back, hm?"
They're all against you.
"let's just paint us as the bad people.."
"he's going to think you're crazy"
"the poor guy, he can't even get a word in, she's yakking so much"
Hey, talk, prove them wrong.
"yeah right"
"tsk tsk"
"I'm seeing if the guy's gonna write back anything, but he's not"
"she's freaking him out"
They're all fucking harassing me. At once. Mom's pissed at me now.
"I'm giving you rules, Tanya, and you're going to have to deal with that"
She's pissed indeed.
Freaking out.
*sighs* Shit.
*goes numb*
It's funny... I do everything they say, or they'll hate me. They comment over my shoulder, laugh at my friends, tell me to give up everything I care about. And then they tell me I don't respect them, don't care. They tell me all the things they give me, but the funny thing is, why do they even bother giving anything to me..? Why do they give me anything, when all they use it for is something I have to give back? Something to guilt trip me with later. And this is why I sometimes wish to run away. They laugh at me, at how stupid I am. If I left just for a while, where would I even go?
'Porch?'
I don't want them to find me, just for a while..
'under the porch?'
Hah. There is no under the porch.
'ok, on the roof!'
I can't get there.
'use your fairy wings'
Hah.. I wish..
'if that doesn't work, climb a tree. Who ever looks in a tree?'
We don't have any trees.
'find a tree, then climb right up there, be sure to bring a snack'
If I could climb trees, that would help.
'hah, then bring a step stool. Or better yet, a fire truck!'
Sure...
'trampoline would work too..
Don't have one. Trees are kinda out of it. How else can I? How else can I.. get away?
'take a cab to India'
Nope. And I'm serious.
'seriousness is not my strong point'
Mm..
I hate my life. No way to escape everyone. I can't live without someone telling me how to, and making me feel bad.
'I hate that I can't help....'
Lol.. Somehow prove that they're wrong, that would do something, but you really shouldn't bother. I don't even know.. I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I'm screwed.
'well don't'
How..?
'I don't know'
Hm.. I have two minutes. In two minutes, I either go to my room, lock the door, and I'll keep it locked. Or I could run away, but I don't know where to go. But I'm not opening my door for a long time.
'well don't run away'
Why?
'cuz you don't have anywhere to go'
Hah. Anywhere but here?
'so it seems'
Mhm. I'm eventually going to have to face what I "did" which is.. Nothing? I did nothing, and I'm in trouble for that. Because there's so much I should do. I should clean my room, I should wake up early every morning, I should go to bed early as well, and I should be with my family. But I don't want to. So, I'll have to face that.
----------
I Ran
I ran away from home... 10:35 PM.. Sunday. It was raining. Crying in my room for a while, realizing that I'm as terrible as they make me feel. I put on my hoodie. I put on my jacket. I put on my shoes. I wrote on a little post it note that I was gone.
TANYA'S AT GREEN LAKE.
I'll be back by 12.
Feed my cat.
Don't worry.
I opened my door and no one was there. I stuck the post it note on the door, unlocked and opened it, shutting it behind me. I walked to the gate, opened it, crossed the street. I walked in the rain, put on my hood and just kept walking.
They found me, a block away from the lake, outside Greg's Bicycle shop.
TANYA'S AT GREEN LAKE.
I'll be back by 12.
Feed my cat.
Don't worry.
I opened my door and no one was there. I stuck the post it note on the door, unlocked and opened it, shutting it behind me. I walked to the gate, opened it, crossed the street. I walked in the rain, put on my hood and just kept walking.
They found me, a block away from the lake, outside Greg's Bicycle shop.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Grin Grin
*gets a big stupid grin on her face*
Haahaa.. I like this. *laughs and sticks out tongue* More interesting every time, hahaa..
*increase in heartbeat and a dumbfounded and silly grin pasted on face with something near super-glue*
Hooho.. San likes him. *grins again*
Hehe.. :D A smile to go to sleep to. I'm liking letting him go first. Haha.
... *snickers quietly and goes to bed*
Haahaa.. I like this. *laughs and sticks out tongue* More interesting every time, hahaa..
*increase in heartbeat and a dumbfounded and silly grin pasted on face with something near super-glue*
Hooho.. San likes him. *grins again*
Hehe.. :D A smile to go to sleep to. I'm liking letting him go first. Haha.
... *snickers quietly and goes to bed*
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Will It All Come Crashing Down..?
Daydreams are lovely but... What if they eat me alive? What if everything that I dream and everything that I hope for, what if I get caught up between my imagination and reality? What if life is nothing that I want it to be..? What if every dream never happens? Not one? They're not impossible dreams, they're just so hard to get to.. So far forward. I don't know if I'll ever get there, and I need to try so hard to... I want to more than anything, to make those dreams realities. Such simple and funny dreams I have. My head is a mess of chocolates, bright flowers, rain and words to be put to the paper. A swirl of laughter mixed with tears. Sorrows and happiness comes to me so easily. I'm in the strange mood where I could burst with the emotions. I'm smiling, and then something I say makes tears come out of nowhere. And then I smile again. I could dance I could sing I could do anything. I want to run around, I want to go downtown and see the city lights.. I want to go jump in a lake. Someone go with me..?
That's one of the dreams.
I want to earn 800 dollars. I want to work like hell and earn that much. Then one dream could come true.... More than one, actually. I wish it wasn't so.. Far forward. I wish I knew if this will all come crashing down "like a stack of cards".. Dreams do that. You pile them too high, and then one card is flicked at, and it all tumbles down. The shaking realization of reality, the word "never", the words "you can't" or "I won't let you".. It tumbles.
I want to know if that dream will tumble before I can even start to go towards it.. If the path I'm on is a dead-end, like it was before. Or.. The last path lead to another path, a forced change of direction. My fate.
So will it stay..? Will you stay? Will it end, like it always seems to? It does.. Why does it have to end? I never learn.. Why do these summers.. Why are they so bittersweet?
800 dollars, one dream comes true. A high price. I have no allowance, I have no job, I have no money. I have no real skills that could gain me money. How would writing do me any good..? Maybe sorting and my strange enjoyment for ironing would do me some good. But that isn't a lot of use, either. Give me work, I have to make something happen, so I know I'm not hopeless. One dream will give me knowledge that I can grant two. I can grant my own wishes if I try, I need to see if that's true.
I'm trying to think if I can.. How I can.. If it's worth it, again. Would it..? You tell me. If I found it wasn't, I'd have 800 dollars anyway. So it's something to do.
How do I make money and do 60 hours of community service at the same time?
Oh well. I can worry about that next summer.
Tell me, how do I earn money, how do I of all people do that? I can't get a job.. I'm one year too young. Or so many places seem to say.
("Too far away for me to hold, too far away")
So how will I do this..?
I'll get a job. Well, I sure will try. I'll look around some more and I'll figure things out, and I won't buy things anymore. *nods* An excuse to stay away from all my friends, again. (you wouldn't understand.. it's strange..)
I'll get a job.
I hate parties... I don't like being with people. I really really don't. They all talk at once and I feel awkward, and have nothing to say. I'd be the one serving everyone coffee and lingering in the corner... I'm not a people person.. I like to see people, but I don't like to know them..? Oh, I'm not sure.
How will I get a job..? Hm...... If not that, I'll find another way to earn money. There are simple ways to, I'm sure. Just have to find it. It'll be something to do, at least. Something productive. So.. I'll have to figure that out..
That's one of the dreams.
I want to earn 800 dollars. I want to work like hell and earn that much. Then one dream could come true.... More than one, actually. I wish it wasn't so.. Far forward. I wish I knew if this will all come crashing down "like a stack of cards".. Dreams do that. You pile them too high, and then one card is flicked at, and it all tumbles down. The shaking realization of reality, the word "never", the words "you can't" or "I won't let you".. It tumbles.
I want to know if that dream will tumble before I can even start to go towards it.. If the path I'm on is a dead-end, like it was before. Or.. The last path lead to another path, a forced change of direction. My fate.
So will it stay..? Will you stay? Will it end, like it always seems to? It does.. Why does it have to end? I never learn.. Why do these summers.. Why are they so bittersweet?
800 dollars, one dream comes true. A high price. I have no allowance, I have no job, I have no money. I have no real skills that could gain me money. How would writing do me any good..? Maybe sorting and my strange enjoyment for ironing would do me some good. But that isn't a lot of use, either. Give me work, I have to make something happen, so I know I'm not hopeless. One dream will give me knowledge that I can grant two. I can grant my own wishes if I try, I need to see if that's true.
I'm trying to think if I can.. How I can.. If it's worth it, again. Would it..? You tell me. If I found it wasn't, I'd have 800 dollars anyway. So it's something to do.
How do I make money and do 60 hours of community service at the same time?
Oh well. I can worry about that next summer.
Tell me, how do I earn money, how do I of all people do that? I can't get a job.. I'm one year too young. Or so many places seem to say.
("Too far away for me to hold, too far away")
So how will I do this..?
I'll get a job. Well, I sure will try. I'll look around some more and I'll figure things out, and I won't buy things anymore. *nods* An excuse to stay away from all my friends, again. (you wouldn't understand.. it's strange..)
I'll get a job.
I hate parties... I don't like being with people. I really really don't. They all talk at once and I feel awkward, and have nothing to say. I'd be the one serving everyone coffee and lingering in the corner... I'm not a people person.. I like to see people, but I don't like to know them..? Oh, I'm not sure.
How will I get a job..? Hm...... If not that, I'll find another way to earn money. There are simple ways to, I'm sure. Just have to find it. It'll be something to do, at least. Something productive. So.. I'll have to figure that out..
Pee-Wee
"Oh no! SNACK EMERGENCY! SNACK EMERGENCY!"
-Pee-Wee
"I love these cookies" "Then why don't you marry them?" "AHAHAHA!"
Ohhhh.. I remember this! The salesman.. Randomly during the show the doorbell rings and they open the door and the salesman says "Hello, I am here to tell you about an incredible offer" and Pee Wee and everyone are like "AHHH!.. AHHHHHHH!!", lol.. Childhood memories. I think it taught me that salesmen are evil and to slam the door and scream in fear at their presence.
"And if anyone says the secret word, scream real loud!"
I'll never forget how fun that was. Too bad I didn't do it as much as I'd have wanted to, mwahaha.
Globie! Chairie! Clockie! Floorie! The Most Beautiful Girl In Puppet Land, Miss Evon! Mrs. Renay! Recardo! Konkie! Magic Screen! The King of Cartoons! The Mail-Lady! Terri!
"You can do a lot of fun stuff with a giant pair of underpants, just watch! Rapunzel! Look, a nun! You can pull it down like this, and make yourself a vest! The possibilities are nearly endless. You can make a swing! La la la la la, la la.. Giant underpants!"
His slippers.. *laughs* He has huge house slippers. And Dinosaur pajamas. Okay, sorry, I'll be quiet now.. Just being reminded of my childhood.
hm...
-Pee-Wee
"I love these cookies" "Then why don't you marry them?" "AHAHAHA!"
Ohhhh.. I remember this! The salesman.. Randomly during the show the doorbell rings and they open the door and the salesman says "Hello, I am here to tell you about an incredible offer" and Pee Wee and everyone are like "AHHH!.. AHHHHHHH!!", lol.. Childhood memories. I think it taught me that salesmen are evil and to slam the door and scream in fear at their presence.
"And if anyone says the secret word, scream real loud!"
I'll never forget how fun that was. Too bad I didn't do it as much as I'd have wanted to, mwahaha.
Globie! Chairie! Clockie! Floorie! The Most Beautiful Girl In Puppet Land, Miss Evon! Mrs. Renay! Recardo! Konkie! Magic Screen! The King of Cartoons! The Mail-Lady! Terri!
"You can do a lot of fun stuff with a giant pair of underpants, just watch! Rapunzel! Look, a nun! You can pull it down like this, and make yourself a vest! The possibilities are nearly endless. You can make a swing! La la la la la, la la.. Giant underpants!"
His slippers.. *laughs* He has huge house slippers. And Dinosaur pajamas. Okay, sorry, I'll be quiet now.. Just being reminded of my childhood.
hm...
Friday, June 24, 2005
Paranoia
"I think she's got someone, because I'm noticing the word 'love' pop up a lot"
-Gramps
I just laugh nervously and shrug my shoulders...
I shouldn't show people my scrapbook. Grah.. What, do I, am I? You old people, what do you know.. lol..
I hope not. It makes things complicated, don't you think? It sure has before. Crash and burn. Speaking of which, I started to make a page of that. I need more magazines. Need loooots of magazines. Ones with pictures galore. With many ads and many colors and many things. I gotta go around asking for them, somewhere. 'Spare magazines?'
There was a perfect magazine for scrapbooking at the class I took last summer.. The book binding class, which was a bit accidental. I was taking figure drawing, which apparently linked up to book binding. But they had great magazines.. Art magazines with new art, not just oil paintings, funny stuff. More alternative, if that's what you'd call it.
---
3:32-
"You all packed up, lady love?"
Interesting nicknames they give me. Different everytime..
So I've got Girly from my aunt... Lady love, sweetie, etc from my grandma.. and Squirrely Cat from my grandpa.. haha. Interesting. I gotta listen for more.
-Gramps
I just laugh nervously and shrug my shoulders...
I shouldn't show people my scrapbook. Grah.. What, do I, am I? You old people, what do you know.. lol..
I hope not. It makes things complicated, don't you think? It sure has before. Crash and burn. Speaking of which, I started to make a page of that. I need more magazines. Need loooots of magazines. Ones with pictures galore. With many ads and many colors and many things. I gotta go around asking for them, somewhere. 'Spare magazines?'
There was a perfect magazine for scrapbooking at the class I took last summer.. The book binding class, which was a bit accidental. I was taking figure drawing, which apparently linked up to book binding. But they had great magazines.. Art magazines with new art, not just oil paintings, funny stuff. More alternative, if that's what you'd call it.
---
3:32-
"You all packed up, lady love?"
Interesting nicknames they give me. Different everytime..
So I've got Girly from my aunt... Lady love, sweetie, etc from my grandma.. and Squirrely Cat from my grandpa.. haha. Interesting. I gotta listen for more.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Look Familiar?
Though I was intent on solitude, this morning I awoke to Naomi and her little brother Lucian.. They just dropped by. Some old friends, they travel around a lot. Naomi is about my age but she's really little, has long black hair and a dark complexion, and was decked out punk this time. Last time she saw me, I had blue hair. You know.. black eyeshadow, dark clothes and all.. But it looked good on her. I just about laughed when I saw Lucian, because last time I saw him he was a kid that looked like any other, now he has those dark rimmed glasses and hair to his shoulders, it was amusing. He's what, 12? Something like that. But it was fun seeing them.
So it was a little weird, because I was still in my pajamas and just waking up, with company. I sat up and asked Naomi what she was up to, and they both marvelled at my typewriter and played around with it. It was funny.
After they left I got to work again on my scrapbook.. And I laughed because I found someone who looked like Zandry in one of the magazines.. (And no, not ugly, sheeesh) I put him in my scrapbook, followed by the caption "Holy crap! It's Zandry!" lol..
My iPod gave me a good scare.. I dropped it on the hard wood floor, and it went into a coma. The next morning my grandpa took it to RadioShack, and they said I should just take it back to be fixed.. And then he pulls it out of his pocket, and it came back to life!! We had been trying to fix it for a long time..! Yet, it remained in its coma, and awoke later.
The night was dead-silent.. No music, so I asked them for a radio, and spent the night typing to crappy old music, crackling with the old radio.. Better than silence. It was so quiet that I could hear myself breathing, I could hear water dropping into a puddle somewhere outside. It was pretty.. freaky. And the only light in the room was a lamp, which lit up the place really well, but turn it off and it's pitch black! Now, think of me, climbing down a total spiral staircase, verticle, pitch black, outside.. I went down brush my teeth and such, and when I was done, the house was sooo dark.. I went down the hallway, and I couldn't see a thing.. It was scary. I walked through the living room, pitch black.. I put out my hands, and touched along the heads of chairs at the table... I was relieved when I got to the kitchen, which had a faint light on, and I took a deep breath when I went out the door to the porch.. Just as dark, with a very faint light amitting from the 'loft' up there... So slowly I climb the spiral staircase, up to the room. I keep on thinking "horror murder flick.. oh shit" as I go up, because it's just like in the movies!! Totally silent, dark, and you watch her climb up the spiral staircase to the room.. And then she's grabbed and killed, or something, screaming. I just kept on getting that in my head. And I let out my breath, which I had been holding, when I nearly stumble into the warm-lit room.. Gawd, it was relieving. The only trouble is, the only sound is me moving. No clock ticking, no rustling of trees, no nothing! Just me.. So I turned on the radio and felt better. I disliked the reflections on the three windows, and when I finally lay down to go to sleep, after turning off the lamp and turning on the flashlight, I'd glance at the window on the door.. I continued to think of the horror movies, thinking of the sound of someone slowly creaking up the staircase, to turn the knob slowly, as I watch, horrified.. I'd see a pale hand scratch against the window. I felt like a little kid again, lying with my covers up above my nose. The reflections off the mirror and the dark windows had me slightly paralized, but I was okay. The only problem is, my door was locked. I didn't want to lock out my grandparents if I'd overslept, so I crawled to the end of the bed to unlock it.. Now that was scary for me. Just think of me, intent on thinking that a face would appear at the window near the door.. But nothing happened.. In the comfort of the thick covers, I could finally breath easy, and relaxed and fell asleep.
Hahaa.. Sheesh, I'm easily scared, okay? Like a kid.. The fact is, if someone did decide to murder me that night, it would be pretty damn easy. I'm in a little room, not connected to the house, with one little staircase going up to it! There's no escape, no other door, no holes. Just cliff and roof and stairway. I have one more night there, but since I'm used to it now and my music is alive, I'll be fine.
---
I now wonder about what seems to be an increase in pink around my lips. Around the edges, like the beginning of chapped lips.. But I never get chapped lips. I'm now wondering about that yogurt.. Haha. It was watery, though it tasted fine.. Lucian said something about it being rotton. Now why didn't you tell me earlier? I swear... It seemed okay.. I haven't thrown up or felt weird.. But now I notice what could be a sort of allergy.. but again, I'm not allergic to anything! So I wonder if it's just me..Maaybe I'm crazy. Yeaaaaah.We'll see, tomorrow.
Birthday birthday birthday.. Zandry's birthday.... :) So fuuuuun. I'm waiting for something to arrive in the mail which I will send to him. I ordered something. ^__^ How fun is that? I wanted to get it first, so I can be sure it's all good, and check his address again.. A weird address. Anyway..
"Alright, I turned on the nightlight in your bathroom, I turned on the nightlight in the kitchen, and I'm going to bed." "Okay, goodnight Nana." "Goodnight Tanya" She reaches to touch my hair, "Oo, your hair feels nice." and she wanders back down the hall. It's very dark out.. I should go up to the loft and go to bed, not even in my pajamas yet. Well, goodnight to all of you out there. Miss you!
So it was a little weird, because I was still in my pajamas and just waking up, with company. I sat up and asked Naomi what she was up to, and they both marvelled at my typewriter and played around with it. It was funny.
After they left I got to work again on my scrapbook.. And I laughed because I found someone who looked like Zandry in one of the magazines.. (And no, not ugly, sheeesh) I put him in my scrapbook, followed by the caption "Holy crap! It's Zandry!" lol..
My iPod gave me a good scare.. I dropped it on the hard wood floor, and it went into a coma. The next morning my grandpa took it to RadioShack, and they said I should just take it back to be fixed.. And then he pulls it out of his pocket, and it came back to life!! We had been trying to fix it for a long time..! Yet, it remained in its coma, and awoke later.
The night was dead-silent.. No music, so I asked them for a radio, and spent the night typing to crappy old music, crackling with the old radio.. Better than silence. It was so quiet that I could hear myself breathing, I could hear water dropping into a puddle somewhere outside. It was pretty.. freaky. And the only light in the room was a lamp, which lit up the place really well, but turn it off and it's pitch black! Now, think of me, climbing down a total spiral staircase, verticle, pitch black, outside.. I went down brush my teeth and such, and when I was done, the house was sooo dark.. I went down the hallway, and I couldn't see a thing.. It was scary. I walked through the living room, pitch black.. I put out my hands, and touched along the heads of chairs at the table... I was relieved when I got to the kitchen, which had a faint light on, and I took a deep breath when I went out the door to the porch.. Just as dark, with a very faint light amitting from the 'loft' up there... So slowly I climb the spiral staircase, up to the room. I keep on thinking "horror murder flick.. oh shit" as I go up, because it's just like in the movies!! Totally silent, dark, and you watch her climb up the spiral staircase to the room.. And then she's grabbed and killed, or something, screaming. I just kept on getting that in my head. And I let out my breath, which I had been holding, when I nearly stumble into the warm-lit room.. Gawd, it was relieving. The only trouble is, the only sound is me moving. No clock ticking, no rustling of trees, no nothing! Just me.. So I turned on the radio and felt better. I disliked the reflections on the three windows, and when I finally lay down to go to sleep, after turning off the lamp and turning on the flashlight, I'd glance at the window on the door.. I continued to think of the horror movies, thinking of the sound of someone slowly creaking up the staircase, to turn the knob slowly, as I watch, horrified.. I'd see a pale hand scratch against the window. I felt like a little kid again, lying with my covers up above my nose. The reflections off the mirror and the dark windows had me slightly paralized, but I was okay. The only problem is, my door was locked. I didn't want to lock out my grandparents if I'd overslept, so I crawled to the end of the bed to unlock it.. Now that was scary for me. Just think of me, intent on thinking that a face would appear at the window near the door.. But nothing happened.. In the comfort of the thick covers, I could finally breath easy, and relaxed and fell asleep.
Hahaa.. Sheesh, I'm easily scared, okay? Like a kid.. The fact is, if someone did decide to murder me that night, it would be pretty damn easy. I'm in a little room, not connected to the house, with one little staircase going up to it! There's no escape, no other door, no holes. Just cliff and roof and stairway. I have one more night there, but since I'm used to it now and my music is alive, I'll be fine.
---
I now wonder about what seems to be an increase in pink around my lips. Around the edges, like the beginning of chapped lips.. But I never get chapped lips. I'm now wondering about that yogurt.. Haha. It was watery, though it tasted fine.. Lucian said something about it being rotton. Now why didn't you tell me earlier? I swear... It seemed okay.. I haven't thrown up or felt weird.. But now I notice what could be a sort of allergy.. but again, I'm not allergic to anything! So I wonder if it's just me..Maaybe I'm crazy. Yeaaaaah.We'll see, tomorrow.
Birthday birthday birthday.. Zandry's birthday.... :) So fuuuuun. I'm waiting for something to arrive in the mail which I will send to him. I ordered something. ^__^ How fun is that? I wanted to get it first, so I can be sure it's all good, and check his address again.. A weird address. Anyway..
"Alright, I turned on the nightlight in your bathroom, I turned on the nightlight in the kitchen, and I'm going to bed." "Okay, goodnight Nana." "Goodnight Tanya" She reaches to touch my hair, "Oo, your hair feels nice." and she wanders back down the hall. It's very dark out.. I should go up to the loft and go to bed, not even in my pajamas yet. Well, goodnight to all of you out there. Miss you!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Gone for a While
If I didn't make it obvious enough, I'm going away for a few days.
Therefore.. I won't be on the internet. I'll be sitting at a typewriter in quiet haven of just.. alone-ness. I love it. Nice and quiet.. Peaceful.
I'll be back on Friday. I leave at 4 PM on Wednesday.
I'll see if I can do some writing while I'm gone.. Oh wait, you guys don't see much of my writing, do you? Hm.. Ask Retracing-Steps.
So I'll... I don't know. Write and draw. Nothing exciting. But I sure will enjoy myself. Oh.. such a perfect break from it all.. Won't have to think of friends (sorry, I know.. I'm kinda anti-social..), and won't have to worry about anything at all. By worry about friends.. I mean.. Um.. It's hard to say. I feel so required to do something with them.. To the point of it stressing me out. *shakes head*
So I'll be happy, alone with my grandparents. Satisfying click clack of keys.. But I really should get my erase button fixed. Anyway.. Sayounara for now.
Therefore.. I won't be on the internet. I'll be sitting at a typewriter in quiet haven of just.. alone-ness. I love it. Nice and quiet.. Peaceful.
I'll be back on Friday. I leave at 4 PM on Wednesday.
I'll see if I can do some writing while I'm gone.. Oh wait, you guys don't see much of my writing, do you? Hm.. Ask Retracing-Steps.
So I'll... I don't know. Write and draw. Nothing exciting. But I sure will enjoy myself. Oh.. such a perfect break from it all.. Won't have to think of friends (sorry, I know.. I'm kinda anti-social..), and won't have to worry about anything at all. By worry about friends.. I mean.. Um.. It's hard to say. I feel so required to do something with them.. To the point of it stressing me out. *shakes head*
So I'll be happy, alone with my grandparents. Satisfying click clack of keys.. But I really should get my erase button fixed. Anyway.. Sayounara for now.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Trust
"-Zandry's even sending me a late birthday present.. how nice is that?"
"Yeah right.." she says flatly "I'll believe it when I see it"
".. But why don't you think so..?"
"People say those things all the time, it usually never happens. You shouldn't expect such things, especially from someone so far away"
I say nothing.
She told me not to give so much.
'Sorry.. I've just found that the safest thing for me is to not trust anyone. Don't expect anything of anyone, or you'll be disappointed. That's what I've learned.'
I wrote that on a piece of paper, to remember.
--
I had said the same thing with Michael. Told her.. "He's calling me today" and she shook her head and said the exact same thing. He never called, though he said he would. These things.. I've learned that with hope comes disappointment. With trust comes hurt feelings. I've learned that. So I'll ask and I'll try not to hope for things. I never get them.
I lamented on that on many other days.. I give but don't get. And I wonder why. If you want it done right, do it yourself..? I know myself, I know what I'm going to do and what I can do, and when I say I will, I will.. My regret eats me alive if I don't. But with others, they seem to throw about their words and promises so easily. "I'll give it back tomorrow", "I'll email you tonight", "I'll remember".. Broken so often. I can't trust anyone.
The thing I hate more than anything is waiting.. Waiting for something that may never even happen. Waiting for something you're not in any control of. You just have to wait and hope, and all you can have is trust. Ache either way. You risk your smile for a bigger one, but until then, furrow your brow, wondering.
Fear keeps me from trusting anyone. Maybe I'll trust my friends, just because what I ask of them is usually nothing. They wouldn't ditch me, and they would remember to meet me and to give back whatever they'd borrow. It's simple... They see me everyday, and it's a reminder. Just seeing the face would make you realize 'oh, I borrowed her book!' or whatever else you may need to remember. But, with friends so far, it's different.
I shouldn't ask anything of anyone. I enjoy giving, and not everyone else does. The more I hope, the harder it is to accept when what I hope for isn't true, never comes. It's easier to laugh and say 'oh, it's fine' when you didn't expect it, when you weren't thinking about it every night before you slept, when you weren't awaiting the day so intently. I fall into my emotions so easily, and they never go lightly. Understand, I can't trust. I try once, and as it fails, I give up. Until anything comes true, I can't believe in my hope. If someone told you that they'd meet you there, and never came.. Would you really be willing to meet them again? Would you laugh and shake your head, say it's okay, and trust? Excuses flow, and with excuses, hope for forgiveness. But not trust...
Only something you can earn. Give me a reason to. Don't ask me to trust you, when you've never followed through. There's all the time in the world.. I can try to trust you, but would you really be able to follow your words? Would you really be able to keep it? Would you be able to say only what you mean, and to never leave me with broken promises and hopes just to keep me happily dreaming? Can I trust you?
"Yeah right.." she says flatly "I'll believe it when I see it"
".. But why don't you think so..?"
"People say those things all the time, it usually never happens. You shouldn't expect such things, especially from someone so far away"
I say nothing.
She told me not to give so much.
'Sorry.. I've just found that the safest thing for me is to not trust anyone. Don't expect anything of anyone, or you'll be disappointed. That's what I've learned.'
I wrote that on a piece of paper, to remember.
--
I had said the same thing with Michael. Told her.. "He's calling me today" and she shook her head and said the exact same thing. He never called, though he said he would. These things.. I've learned that with hope comes disappointment. With trust comes hurt feelings. I've learned that. So I'll ask and I'll try not to hope for things. I never get them.
I lamented on that on many other days.. I give but don't get. And I wonder why. If you want it done right, do it yourself..? I know myself, I know what I'm going to do and what I can do, and when I say I will, I will.. My regret eats me alive if I don't. But with others, they seem to throw about their words and promises so easily. "I'll give it back tomorrow", "I'll email you tonight", "I'll remember".. Broken so often. I can't trust anyone.
The thing I hate more than anything is waiting.. Waiting for something that may never even happen. Waiting for something you're not in any control of. You just have to wait and hope, and all you can have is trust. Ache either way. You risk your smile for a bigger one, but until then, furrow your brow, wondering.
Fear keeps me from trusting anyone. Maybe I'll trust my friends, just because what I ask of them is usually nothing. They wouldn't ditch me, and they would remember to meet me and to give back whatever they'd borrow. It's simple... They see me everyday, and it's a reminder. Just seeing the face would make you realize 'oh, I borrowed her book!' or whatever else you may need to remember. But, with friends so far, it's different.
I shouldn't ask anything of anyone. I enjoy giving, and not everyone else does. The more I hope, the harder it is to accept when what I hope for isn't true, never comes. It's easier to laugh and say 'oh, it's fine' when you didn't expect it, when you weren't thinking about it every night before you slept, when you weren't awaiting the day so intently. I fall into my emotions so easily, and they never go lightly. Understand, I can't trust. I try once, and as it fails, I give up. Until anything comes true, I can't believe in my hope. If someone told you that they'd meet you there, and never came.. Would you really be willing to meet them again? Would you laugh and shake your head, say it's okay, and trust? Excuses flow, and with excuses, hope for forgiveness. But not trust...
Only something you can earn. Give me a reason to. Don't ask me to trust you, when you've never followed through. There's all the time in the world.. I can try to trust you, but would you really be able to follow your words? Would you really be able to keep it? Would you be able to say only what you mean, and to never leave me with broken promises and hopes just to keep me happily dreaming? Can I trust you?
Sunday, June 19, 2005
More Music Thoughts..
You're father's dead, he passed in his sleep.. and I woke to the sounds, of her cryyying.. You're father's dead, he passed in his sleep.. And I woke to the sounds of her cryyying.. You're father's dead he passed in his sleep.. And I woke to the sounds of her cryying.. You're father's dead he passed in his sleep.. Pray, pray, for us all.. Pray for us all, pray for us all, pray, pray for us all..
--
Gah, that song sticks in my head... I pick up songs from each, don't I? They get stuck with me. So Dashboard Confessional and Coheed and Cambria, huh...? Two bands, one for each. Can't bring myself to stop listening to Dashboard, even with bad memories. A way to remember. Maybe someday Coheed and Cambria? I hope not, because.. Well, what I mean is.. If it is, yes, then.. But I hope that it never.. um.. I hope it never has to be simply a memory?
--
Sometimes I kinda lose hope, in all this. In the way life is.. Oh, how to explain..? Sometimes I worry that the bad outnumbers the good. The stress and the hate, the frowns and the pain. I guess school's driving me mad? Nah.. Life is. Our life.. I wasn't made for it, not at all. I wasn't made for this piled responsibility, I can't keep up.
It all makes me nothing short of sad. And kinda.. I don't know. I'm pinned down by everything I should do so easily, so automatically.. It should be so simple... Yet it's not. Mm.. *sighs* I need to do something.
--
Gah, that song sticks in my head... I pick up songs from each, don't I? They get stuck with me. So Dashboard Confessional and Coheed and Cambria, huh...? Two bands, one for each. Can't bring myself to stop listening to Dashboard, even with bad memories. A way to remember. Maybe someday Coheed and Cambria? I hope not, because.. Well, what I mean is.. If it is, yes, then.. But I hope that it never.. um.. I hope it never has to be simply a memory?
--
Sometimes I kinda lose hope, in all this. In the way life is.. Oh, how to explain..? Sometimes I worry that the bad outnumbers the good. The stress and the hate, the frowns and the pain. I guess school's driving me mad? Nah.. Life is. Our life.. I wasn't made for it, not at all. I wasn't made for this piled responsibility, I can't keep up.
It all makes me nothing short of sad. And kinda.. I don't know. I'm pinned down by everything I should do so easily, so automatically.. It should be so simple... Yet it's not. Mm.. *sighs* I need to do something.
Sweet Jane
I can't find these lyrics anywhere.. trying to get them. Blanks for words I can't here or understand. Echos are hard to catch. I'll write as I listen. I've looked allllll over.. So I have to find out myself.
Edit: okaaayyyy.. I was sooo far off, not even funny. But listen to it, you could hear the words I listed as lyrics.. haha.. Whoops. Thanks Renan. Was it easy to find..? Ahaha.. ^ ^;; Okay, the real lyrics are here now.
----
Standing on the corner
Suitcase in my hand
Jack’s in his corset, jane is in her vest
Me, honey, I’m in a rock ’n’ roll band
Ridin’ in a stutz bearcat, jim
Those were different times
They studied rules of verse
And those ladies they rolled their eyes
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Jack, he is a banker
Jane, she is a clerk
Both of them save their money
When they come home from work
Sittin’ by the fire
Radio does play, look classical music there, kids
The march of the wooden soldiers
You can hear jack say
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Some people like to go out dancing
And other people like us, we gotta work
And there’s even some evil mothers
They’ll tell you that life is just made out of dirt
And women never really faint
All the villains always blink their eyes
That children are the only ones who blush
And life is just to die
Anyone who ever had a heart
And wouldn’t turn around and break it
Anyone who ever played a part
And wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane, sweet jane
Sweet jane, oh honey, sweet jane
Sweet jane, oh, sweet jane
Sweet jane, sweet jane
Edit: okaaayyyy.. I was sooo far off, not even funny. But listen to it, you could hear the words I listed as lyrics.. haha.. Whoops. Thanks Renan. Was it easy to find..? Ahaha.. ^ ^;; Okay, the real lyrics are here now.
----
Standing on the corner
Suitcase in my hand
Jack’s in his corset, jane is in her vest
Me, honey, I’m in a rock ’n’ roll band
Ridin’ in a stutz bearcat, jim
Those were different times
They studied rules of verse
And those ladies they rolled their eyes
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Jack, he is a banker
Jane, she is a clerk
Both of them save their money
When they come home from work
Sittin’ by the fire
Radio does play, look classical music there, kids
The march of the wooden soldiers
You can hear jack say
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Some people like to go out dancing
And other people like us, we gotta work
And there’s even some evil mothers
They’ll tell you that life is just made out of dirt
And women never really faint
All the villains always blink their eyes
That children are the only ones who blush
And life is just to die
Anyone who ever had a heart
And wouldn’t turn around and break it
Anyone who ever played a part
And wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane
Sweet jane, sweet jane
Sweet jane, oh honey, sweet jane
Sweet jane, oh, sweet jane
Sweet jane, sweet jane
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I want to..
I want to write. But of what...? I want to write of how warm breath appears, white smoke in the cold winter air. I want to write about the warmth of our fireplace and the feeling I got, burning those letters outside with the lighter, and the nights near the shrine, shadows dancing across the walls... But it's hard to say more. Everything is cut short by distraction and.. wavering.
"And smiles cover your heart"....
Tears. I feel warmth beneath the corners, creases of my eyes, and it threatens to overflow and run down curves of cheeks and maybe run along nose and settle at mouth. The sensation goes from throat, up to your mouth, around to the eyes. You can feel the tingling at your temples, and your eyes grow warm with the increase of liquid.
---
Some of those days I thought I'd go insane. Waiting forever, and ever, and ever. Two things. A simple word and a for the day that they would come. The day that never came. It's hard to start over. They never did...
"And smiles cover your heart"....
Tears. I feel warmth beneath the corners, creases of my eyes, and it threatens to overflow and run down curves of cheeks and maybe run along nose and settle at mouth. The sensation goes from throat, up to your mouth, around to the eyes. You can feel the tingling at your temples, and your eyes grow warm with the increase of liquid.
---
Some of those days I thought I'd go insane. Waiting forever, and ever, and ever. Two things. A simple word and a for the day that they would come. The day that never came. It's hard to start over. They never did...
Friday, June 17, 2005
Ehhhhh...
*relieved* ...
Scared me... ... *laughs nervously and shrugs*
It's fine. Goodness.. Thought he'd hang up on me.. *sighs* I overreact, hahha.. I guess it worries me most when these things happen. But all's okay.
Was surprised to hear no irritation in his voice as he answered. He has caller ID, and his grandma answered the phone, so he knew it was me. He said just as he always does " 'morning" .. and I just apologize. He says I have nothing to be sorry for. I say I shouldn't have been so sour, when he was having a bad day. He said it didn't matter. So I'm glad. Sorry to scare you.
Scared me... ... *laughs nervously and shrugs*
It's fine. Goodness.. Thought he'd hang up on me.. *sighs* I overreact, hahha.. I guess it worries me most when these things happen. But all's okay.
Was surprised to hear no irritation in his voice as he answered. He has caller ID, and his grandma answered the phone, so he knew it was me. He said just as he always does " 'morning" .. and I just apologize. He says I have nothing to be sorry for. I say I shouldn't have been so sour, when he was having a bad day. He said it didn't matter. So I'm glad. Sorry to scare you.
Great..
Now I'm gonna cry.. ... ...
... *deep breath* Okay.. what can I do in this situation.. Apologize. Yes. Apologize. I'll call and apologize.
Dooon't cry. Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry.. Doon't.. It's okay.. oh shit, saying that makes me want to cry more! No no no no no!
Fuck. I hate this. I show sourness, and I always regret it. Every damned time. Every time. Hey, it hurts, okay? I don't want to hope for things that may never happen.. I don't want it to be like that.. It aches. And when I get disappointed all over and over, it hurts. I can't help but need a little time to take a deep breath. It doesn't help.. I shouldn't have said anything.. ...
I'm calling. I'm going. Take a deep breath. Hold breath. It's okay.. It's okay..
... *deep breath* Okay.. what can I do in this situation.. Apologize. Yes. Apologize. I'll call and apologize.
Dooon't cry. Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry.. Doon't.. It's okay.. oh shit, saying that makes me want to cry more! No no no no no!
Fuck. I hate this. I show sourness, and I always regret it. Every damned time. Every time. Hey, it hurts, okay? I don't want to hope for things that may never happen.. I don't want it to be like that.. It aches. And when I get disappointed all over and over, it hurts. I can't help but need a little time to take a deep breath. It doesn't help.. I shouldn't have said anything.. ...
I'm calling. I'm going. Take a deep breath. Hold breath. It's okay.. It's okay..
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hahha..
He jokingly sent a picture to me, which took a little while to receive. He said "this is a picture of me looking my best". That itself is pretty suspicious. He sent me this:
That made me laugh.
So I decided to draw him a new one, because he doesn't look like that. :P
My drawing:
Lol.. :D
That made me laugh.
So I decided to draw him a new one, because he doesn't look like that. :P
My drawing:
Lol.. :D
Finals and Stuff
Mmhm! The joy of finals!
Tomorrow I have my two worst. Math and Japanese.. Well shit. Doooooooooooom! ^___^
But oh well. I'll study all I can, and try to keep off this computer most of the time. I wonder if I ever have truly studied... I used to in 7th grade, but when 8th grade and now 9th came along.. All my good habits went out the window. Now I can't convince myself to sit down and study. First of all, distractions. Yesterday my grandparents came over, and right now my mom's friend Daylite came. I could tell that he was here before I crossed the street, because you can see his huuuuuuge truck. It says "Northwest Freeride" on it, which is a jetski movie he made... Yeah. It's good. Not a movie, exactly.. more.. How to explain? You get to see a huge bonfire, a party, tons of jetski races and tricks, and when Daylite and his friends break their skis in stupid ways. It's funny.
It's a laarge truck with those huuge wheels. It's pretty funny. Really stands out... So yeah.
So, when I go downstairs to sit and try to study, mom starts talking to me. Carson comes home, noisy and singing to himself and trying to tell me about something from a videogame. Then Alex says that he has to show me something, now or never. "I found a funny video on the net". Then Carson invites his friend over, and they play loud annoying music and jump and fight and stomp around. I can't think. I'll be sitting there, zoning out. I think "oh.. I wanted to tell.." and try to remember the thing I wanted to tell so-and-so. And then I will think of my scrapbook, and yearn to work on it, as I have the perfect idea. Then I think about Zandry's birthday, and then I think about my blog, and then I want to write. It's hard. I have no skill at concentrating..
"The most satisfying feeling there is, is the feeling you get as you read the very last sentence of a book."
That was on my mind during math class. And..
"Why can't we be like that..? Why can't we be silly, carefree, joking around and laughing and smiling? The most strange and ugly people can be the most wonderful, just with that trait. You have so much fun with those kind of people. You can make a fool of yourself, and have fun doing so. You'll laugh too, as they lighten the mood with their personality. Why can't people not be gloomy, sitting on those stairs smoking their cigarette, feeling fat and ugly, with their old faces and weary minds.. Why can't they just laugh?"
That was on my mind on the bus. I was looking out the window, and I saw this obese grey haired and gloomy looking woman sitting on the steps, with her grocery bags sitting around her. I watched as she pulled out a cigarette, lighting it, staring into space. She looked so weary. I then pictured her, somewhere else, having fun with her friends. I could see a bright smile and a laugh, telling jokes and everyone laughing with her. I wondered why people never do that.
----
Last night I was amused. Well, at first I was quite gloomy.. Printer Boy (Zandry) managed to cheer me up, though. : ) My apologies for quoting us again, Zandry.
T: bleh... alll grumpy...
Z: ah, well, cheer up : )
T: hah...
Z: pretend you're at disneyland, and one of the dudes in a mickey mouse costume just blew up
T: lol, that's a little scary. I've never been to disneyland
Z: lol, me neither, but I'd pay 10 times the admission to see that
T: That's cheerful? : P
Z: well, the thought should make you laugh : P
T: lol, at least grin
Z: "Hey kids! Here's a balloon from mickey mouse! ooo, I feel weir---" BOOM and he's in a few thousand pieces
T: heheh... : P
Z: just the expression on the little kids faces, from :D :D to :l :O
T: ooooh, you know what you should do? lol
Z: what should I do?
T: givemeapictureofyou : ) And I should sing
Z: I don't have any : P
T: not even ugly ones?
Z: my face is so fat in this picture
T: Lol *hugs you* Ahhhhh, it failed!
Z: lol, too bad : P
T: no... :( It doesn't work! *sniffles* do you think it would make a di-
Z: difference on msn?
T: lol, did you do that on purpose? : P lol, yeah
Z: lol no : P
T: :D ^___^ *poke*
Z: -poke-
T: lol thanks ^ ^
Z: sure...
T: :)
Heheh..... : D You need to record yourself talking to your locker. I'd laugh sooo hard.
Tomorrow I have my two worst. Math and Japanese.. Well shit. Doooooooooooom! ^___^
But oh well. I'll study all I can, and try to keep off this computer most of the time. I wonder if I ever have truly studied... I used to in 7th grade, but when 8th grade and now 9th came along.. All my good habits went out the window. Now I can't convince myself to sit down and study. First of all, distractions. Yesterday my grandparents came over, and right now my mom's friend Daylite came. I could tell that he was here before I crossed the street, because you can see his huuuuuuge truck. It says "Northwest Freeride" on it, which is a jetski movie he made... Yeah. It's good. Not a movie, exactly.. more.. How to explain? You get to see a huge bonfire, a party, tons of jetski races and tricks, and when Daylite and his friends break their skis in stupid ways. It's funny.
It's a laarge truck with those huuge wheels. It's pretty funny. Really stands out... So yeah.
So, when I go downstairs to sit and try to study, mom starts talking to me. Carson comes home, noisy and singing to himself and trying to tell me about something from a videogame. Then Alex says that he has to show me something, now or never. "I found a funny video on the net". Then Carson invites his friend over, and they play loud annoying music and jump and fight and stomp around. I can't think. I'll be sitting there, zoning out. I think "oh.. I wanted to tell.." and try to remember the thing I wanted to tell so-and-so. And then I will think of my scrapbook, and yearn to work on it, as I have the perfect idea. Then I think about Zandry's birthday, and then I think about my blog, and then I want to write. It's hard. I have no skill at concentrating..
"The most satisfying feeling there is, is the feeling you get as you read the very last sentence of a book."
That was on my mind during math class. And..
"Why can't we be like that..? Why can't we be silly, carefree, joking around and laughing and smiling? The most strange and ugly people can be the most wonderful, just with that trait. You have so much fun with those kind of people. You can make a fool of yourself, and have fun doing so. You'll laugh too, as they lighten the mood with their personality. Why can't people not be gloomy, sitting on those stairs smoking their cigarette, feeling fat and ugly, with their old faces and weary minds.. Why can't they just laugh?"
That was on my mind on the bus. I was looking out the window, and I saw this obese grey haired and gloomy looking woman sitting on the steps, with her grocery bags sitting around her. I watched as she pulled out a cigarette, lighting it, staring into space. She looked so weary. I then pictured her, somewhere else, having fun with her friends. I could see a bright smile and a laugh, telling jokes and everyone laughing with her. I wondered why people never do that.
----
Last night I was amused. Well, at first I was quite gloomy.. Printer Boy (Zandry) managed to cheer me up, though. : ) My apologies for quoting us again, Zandry.
T: bleh... alll grumpy...
Z: ah, well, cheer up : )
T: hah...
Z: pretend you're at disneyland, and one of the dudes in a mickey mouse costume just blew up
T: lol, that's a little scary. I've never been to disneyland
Z: lol, me neither, but I'd pay 10 times the admission to see that
T: That's cheerful? : P
Z: well, the thought should make you laugh : P
T: lol, at least grin
Z: "Hey kids! Here's a balloon from mickey mouse! ooo, I feel weir---" BOOM and he's in a few thousand pieces
T: heheh... : P
Z: just the expression on the little kids faces, from :D :D to :l :O
T: ooooh, you know what you should do? lol
Z: what should I do?
T: givemeapictureofyou : ) And I should sing
Z: I don't have any : P
T: not even ugly ones?
Z: my face is so fat in this picture
T: Lol *hugs you* Ahhhhh, it failed!
Z: lol, too bad : P
T: no... :( It doesn't work! *sniffles* do you think it would make a di-
Z: difference on msn?
T: lol, did you do that on purpose? : P lol, yeah
Z: lol no : P
T: :D ^___^ *poke*
Z: -poke-
T: lol thanks ^ ^
Z: sure...
T: :)
Heheh..... : D You need to record yourself talking to your locker. I'd laugh sooo hard.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
*sighs*
Okay, I'm momentarily sad again. But... Give me five minutes, to swallow and take a deep breathe, and I'll be okay again. I think.
....... ... Yeah. My head hurts.
.....
This sucks. This really sucks. ...
Oh... good good good good.. *feels a bit better* ..
You've got good timing.
Okaay.. *deep breath*
....... ... Yeah. My head hurts.
.....
This sucks. This really sucks. ...
Oh... good good good good.. *feels a bit better* ..
You've got good timing.
Okaay.. *deep breath*
It's Just a Phase
I feel terrible.
I was thinking... Many times I have been asked if I had one secret that I kept from everyone... Now I realize, I do. One thing that I have never told anyone about in my life. And don't think you're about to hear it... It's the one thing I will never tell anyone... or so it seems.
You'd be afraid for me, wouldn't you? You would think I was scarred, and act like the world had collapsed on me. Offer arms and consoling words, as if it meant something. But my secret.. I don't even know if it was real. It's like a dream, now. Like a faded picture of something terrible. I've had dreams like that, dreams that I thought were memories. They aren't real. But I don't think this was a dream.
If I were still twelve, thinking about this and what happened just now, (which put me in this mood) I would cry. Continue crying, for a long time. Slip words into the folds of the pillow.. "why.. why" Cry sour. Back then, I couldn't understand why. The answer is, there is no reason. People will hurt you, and they will continue to, and it doesn't matter what you do. You can ask why all you want. Why, why? It doesn't matter. Kids grow up, when they feel this. I know an eleven year old.. well, I won't go into about that.
----
"so, how's your friend?"
"leave me alone.."
"How's Michael? Or is it printer boy?"
"It's not Michael.. and it's not printer boy"
"You're lying, I can tell"
"You have a choice. Say goodbye, get off, go. Or stay, and I'll block your internet. You won't be able to get on, or talk to him ever again"
"I'm an admin of the computer, so I can do that. I can get at your password, and erase all you've done."
"I'll erase all of your gallery if you don't"
"this isn't your room"
"it has my bed, it is my room. And I want you out of my room."
"oh yes, I'm sure your room is all of this. The entire upstairs, with the big screen TV, all four computers, and all our video games."
"it is. Maybe I should go into your room, because it's obviously not really yours"
"My room is my room. This isn't your room. My room has all my posessions in it, the upstairs isn't yours. These things aren't yours."
"Mom told you to leave me alone! Not harass me, remember? I face the conciquences from her, not you. If I stay up late she punishes me"
"She told me not to harass you, and she told you not to stay up late. So we're in the same boat, aren't we? You break the rules, I do too."
"Sneaky, aren't you? Hiding it like that? Maybe I should just quit on your conversation and get it over with."
"Don't you dare log me out, I have things running that I need to leave up"
"Well, I'll just stay here then, and watch"
"He's not there."
"Yeah he is"
"Wow, what a wonderful conversation your having. Printer boy doesn't even care about you. You talk and he says nothing back."
"Mom wanted you to take a shower."
"Who the fuck cares.. *whispers*"
"Well, mom cares"
"I don't care!!"
"--oh, and I'm sure that all the bugs living in your wonderful greasy hair don't care, either."
"Yeah, I love you too!" (fucking.. son of a bitch..) I whisper profanaties to myself as I leave down the stairs.
Picture him saying all that in an arrogent rude voice, mocking. Picture him sneering, picture him lingering over my shoulder, picture him commenting on each word said. Picture him pinching me in the side, ticklish and painful, shocking. I yelp as my muscles go tense and my leg throbs, as it is sore, for some reason. Picture him not leaving me alone, poking at the keys, staring at the screen and mocking what I say. Picture him asking about Michael, over and over and over. Picture him trying to quit while I'm talking to someone close. Picture him pulling me by the wrist painfully, half-dragging, down and to my room. Picture him telling me to give it up, that they don't care about me. Picture him not letting me go outside when mom and dad are gone. Picture him laughing and teasing about every guy I've ever known.
Now picture him hugging me and saying he loves his little sister. And imagine how I feel, everytime he does that.
Zandry, can I borrow your knives? I just want to sit and look at them, because I wouldn't be able to do anything to him, no matter what he's done to me. Laugh, laugh, because it's such an angsty thing, isn't it? It's the teenage angst. I'm fine, yes, I'm fine. It's a phase. A phase I've been going through since crying every night when I was ten. But, no more tears, and it doesn't hurt as it once did. All it leads me to say is "fuck", in whatever order. Girls aren't supposed to swear, are they?
-----
Just as I was slowly getting my confidence back, this happens. He comes, and he makes me feel like the piece of shit that I am. Shaky, stupid, lazy, ugly, disgusting, pathetic, and a bitch. Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you for making me laugh on our walk, thank you for smiling, thank you for sharing the inside jokes, thank you for helping me with my math, thank you for paying for the card, thank you for appreciating spending time with me, and giving me a hug and saying 'thank you'. Thank you for offering to do something about the people who bothered me, the bullies. Too bad you're a bully yourself, at night, all my life, to me. Too bad you hurt me, in many ways. Too bad, you are more than one person. One who smiles in the day, and hurts others in the night. Too bad you hit me when you did bad at your own games, saying it was my fault, that I screwed you up, distracted you. Too bad, too bad, too bad. Too bad I forgive you.
I remeber something I said in my journal. It was a question:
"Why is it that the happiest days always end the saddest?"
That made me happy, do you know? Thanks for telling me all that, 'printer boy'. It made me feel better. I don't feel worth a thing, and it makes me smile to think that I could be feel and look terrible, yet still be looked up to.
Mom will never understand. Nor will she ever do anything. She'll lecture him and tell him not to do it. The realization that the only thing your family really seems to care about is your sleep and your grades.. it.. hurts. Knowing that after he harasses me, that she will lecture him, and after I go to bed late, she will keep me from talking to my friends.. it hurts also. It hurts to know, no matter what happens, it's my fault.
Sometimes all I want to do, is scream "IT'S MY LIFE" and never come home again. Or never wake. I want to cry and cry, but I can't even do that anymore. I want to leave everyone behind. I want to go.. It's not your choice to decide.. It's my life..
...
Please don't talk to me. Please.
And that wasn't my secret.
I know that tomorrow I will forgive him, and tomorrow I will say "I overreacted, I was tired, I was grumpy, I just wasn't happy", but the truth is, I mean what I say. But listen to Tanya, as she tells you tomorrow, that it's okay, it's not a big deal. She doesn't hurt daily of these things, she's gone too numb. She only hurts when she knows, and remembers.
I was thinking... Many times I have been asked if I had one secret that I kept from everyone... Now I realize, I do. One thing that I have never told anyone about in my life. And don't think you're about to hear it... It's the one thing I will never tell anyone... or so it seems.
You'd be afraid for me, wouldn't you? You would think I was scarred, and act like the world had collapsed on me. Offer arms and consoling words, as if it meant something. But my secret.. I don't even know if it was real. It's like a dream, now. Like a faded picture of something terrible. I've had dreams like that, dreams that I thought were memories. They aren't real. But I don't think this was a dream.
If I were still twelve, thinking about this and what happened just now, (which put me in this mood) I would cry. Continue crying, for a long time. Slip words into the folds of the pillow.. "why.. why" Cry sour. Back then, I couldn't understand why. The answer is, there is no reason. People will hurt you, and they will continue to, and it doesn't matter what you do. You can ask why all you want. Why, why? It doesn't matter. Kids grow up, when they feel this. I know an eleven year old.. well, I won't go into about that.
----
"so, how's your friend?"
"leave me alone.."
"How's Michael? Or is it printer boy?"
"It's not Michael.. and it's not printer boy"
"You're lying, I can tell"
"You have a choice. Say goodbye, get off, go. Or stay, and I'll block your internet. You won't be able to get on, or talk to him ever again"
"I'm an admin of the computer, so I can do that. I can get at your password, and erase all you've done."
"I'll erase all of your gallery if you don't"
"this isn't your room"
"it has my bed, it is my room. And I want you out of my room."
"oh yes, I'm sure your room is all of this. The entire upstairs, with the big screen TV, all four computers, and all our video games."
"it is. Maybe I should go into your room, because it's obviously not really yours"
"My room is my room. This isn't your room. My room has all my posessions in it, the upstairs isn't yours. These things aren't yours."
"Mom told you to leave me alone! Not harass me, remember? I face the conciquences from her, not you. If I stay up late she punishes me"
"She told me not to harass you, and she told you not to stay up late. So we're in the same boat, aren't we? You break the rules, I do too."
"Sneaky, aren't you? Hiding it like that? Maybe I should just quit on your conversation and get it over with."
"Don't you dare log me out, I have things running that I need to leave up"
"Well, I'll just stay here then, and watch"
"He's not there."
"Yeah he is"
"Wow, what a wonderful conversation your having. Printer boy doesn't even care about you. You talk and he says nothing back."
"Mom wanted you to take a shower."
"Who the fuck cares.. *whispers*"
"Well, mom cares"
"I don't care!!"
"--oh, and I'm sure that all the bugs living in your wonderful greasy hair don't care, either."
"Yeah, I love you too!" (fucking.. son of a bitch..) I whisper profanaties to myself as I leave down the stairs.
Picture him saying all that in an arrogent rude voice, mocking. Picture him sneering, picture him lingering over my shoulder, picture him commenting on each word said. Picture him pinching me in the side, ticklish and painful, shocking. I yelp as my muscles go tense and my leg throbs, as it is sore, for some reason. Picture him not leaving me alone, poking at the keys, staring at the screen and mocking what I say. Picture him asking about Michael, over and over and over. Picture him trying to quit while I'm talking to someone close. Picture him pulling me by the wrist painfully, half-dragging, down and to my room. Picture him telling me to give it up, that they don't care about me. Picture him not letting me go outside when mom and dad are gone. Picture him laughing and teasing about every guy I've ever known.
Now picture him hugging me and saying he loves his little sister. And imagine how I feel, everytime he does that.
Zandry, can I borrow your knives? I just want to sit and look at them, because I wouldn't be able to do anything to him, no matter what he's done to me. Laugh, laugh, because it's such an angsty thing, isn't it? It's the teenage angst. I'm fine, yes, I'm fine. It's a phase. A phase I've been going through since crying every night when I was ten. But, no more tears, and it doesn't hurt as it once did. All it leads me to say is "fuck", in whatever order. Girls aren't supposed to swear, are they?
-----
Just as I was slowly getting my confidence back, this happens. He comes, and he makes me feel like the piece of shit that I am. Shaky, stupid, lazy, ugly, disgusting, pathetic, and a bitch. Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you for making me laugh on our walk, thank you for smiling, thank you for sharing the inside jokes, thank you for helping me with my math, thank you for paying for the card, thank you for appreciating spending time with me, and giving me a hug and saying 'thank you'. Thank you for offering to do something about the people who bothered me, the bullies. Too bad you're a bully yourself, at night, all my life, to me. Too bad you hurt me, in many ways. Too bad, you are more than one person. One who smiles in the day, and hurts others in the night. Too bad you hit me when you did bad at your own games, saying it was my fault, that I screwed you up, distracted you. Too bad, too bad, too bad. Too bad I forgive you.
I remeber something I said in my journal. It was a question:
"Why is it that the happiest days always end the saddest?"
That made me happy, do you know? Thanks for telling me all that, 'printer boy'. It made me feel better. I don't feel worth a thing, and it makes me smile to think that I could be feel and look terrible, yet still be looked up to.
Mom will never understand. Nor will she ever do anything. She'll lecture him and tell him not to do it. The realization that the only thing your family really seems to care about is your sleep and your grades.. it.. hurts. Knowing that after he harasses me, that she will lecture him, and after I go to bed late, she will keep me from talking to my friends.. it hurts also. It hurts to know, no matter what happens, it's my fault.
Sometimes all I want to do, is scream "IT'S MY LIFE" and never come home again. Or never wake. I want to cry and cry, but I can't even do that anymore. I want to leave everyone behind. I want to go.. It's not your choice to decide.. It's my life..
...
Please don't talk to me. Please.
And that wasn't my secret.
I know that tomorrow I will forgive him, and tomorrow I will say "I overreacted, I was tired, I was grumpy, I just wasn't happy", but the truth is, I mean what I say. But listen to Tanya, as she tells you tomorrow, that it's okay, it's not a big deal. She doesn't hurt daily of these things, she's gone too numb. She only hurts when she knows, and remembers.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
More From the Past
I used to write the song lyrics down, the ones that best described my mood... Here are some more of those old entries, from my old blog. It's all lyrics, now. To match the feeling of the day. Obviously this was a heartbreak time of my life.
---
12/11/04:
"You never get the truth, just promises galore. Fool at the heart, don't look down. Everybody loves you when you're playing the clown.... Another year came, glorious sun. I tried to be an acrobat before I could run. Afternoon came, trumpets played. Oh oh maybe I'll get out of here one day.. Father, oh father. Everybody's young, and far too serious. Oh, oh mother dear.. don't let them shoot my kite down. Oh, oh father yeah, you'd let them shoot me down for sure. Another year.. don't let them shoot my kite, out of the sky.. "
"The bubble's are not reality, but it's inside your mind, making you forget what you're from and what's behind...."
"Today's sweet world is complicated. If you use your mind you'll survive. You'll get by and into your life I fall. Into your world I crawl. Under your spell I fall. Under your dream I fall into your life. I'm into your life. Come into my life."
"Every time you think you have it made, heaven sent, heaven sends you a nice big present. I got doomsday. She gets highway. Someone made me say these words again. And I swore I'd never use these words again, again and again. I love you, I love you. I want you, I want you. Something made me say these words again. It's you that made me use these words again. Again and again... Oh these words. All these stupid words. All these words. All these stupid, stupid words."
"Diary of a broken heart. Torn into a thousand pieces. Now take it from the very start. When life was still a bed of roses. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on believe what you can. Come on come on come on and read it. A trail of broken dreams laid down. When kindness was another story. At first it was the perfect world. But now you've nothing to show for it...."
"The other night I was lyin' awake. Another year, that has gone down the drain. Well, I can't sleep, where we don't talk. Yet you don't wanna hear, about all these things, I can't explain. I can't explain. No, I can't explain. Well, I don't get, the falling of the rain. I don't get the explanation game. I just got to love you. I can't explain."
--------
12/23/04:
"I feel like my feet have forgotten the way to your door. I have my hands and my words, but what are they for. And you said you thought I was cute but I'm just a cut flower, and every second's an hour. We scream, scream, that wasn't the way that it was. I believe, beauty was drowning because. My mix and match memory has managed to make you a god. And everything else I forgot. Goodbye... Goodbye.... Goooodbye.... Goodbye goodguy. I want to tell someone invisible that it's not fair. We're made up of moments and fingernails, toenails and hair. And in between be and begin and a jail of clay. How can you love me anyway? Goodbye.... Goodbye.... Goooodbye... Goodbye goodguy. Something was hovering over you boy, just then. You scolded me, told me don't bother, and vanished again. And everything perfect you said was just mirrors and wires.."
-Goodbye Goodguy Frente
"(even they don't give any more..) (try, try to fall) She fell down into this mess (even they don't give...) (try, try to fall) She fell down and he's so sick of it all. And of me. This part not out of her saw fit to drop. Whispers might just prove it all. (you're just closer to me when you fall, but you broke) This would prove it all. Sleep now, You susur, try to talk. Reach out for that hand. Reach out for that hand. (and even they don't give any more) (try, try to fall) Even then they don't give. (try, try to fall) You just closer to me at the fall. But you don't want, want me hand. You're just closer to me. But you don't want, want my hand."
-Carolyn's Fingers Cocteau Twins.
"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real. I've been been living so long with my pictures of you, that I almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel----- You were always so lost in the dark. Remembering, You how you used to be. Slow drowned, you were angels, so much more than everything. Hold for the last time, then slip away, quietly, open my eyes, but I never see anything. If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held on to your heart. If only I'd thought of the right words, I wouldn't be breaking apart. All my pictures of you"
-Pictures of You The Cure
(reminds me of something...) "Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say, I just can't stay here every yesterday like keep on acting out the same the way we act out. Every way to smile, forget, and make-believe we never needed any more than this. Any more than this. ------ The way the blue could pull me in, if they only would, if they only would. At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else that hides away. From me and you there's worlds to part, with aching looks and breaking hearts, and all the prayers your hands can make, oh I take as much as you can throw... And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away. Like throwing faces at the sky, like throwing arms round, yesterday I stood and stared, wide-eyed in front of you. And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to. But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do. Elise believe I never wanted this, I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises. I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about.. But I let the dream go, and the promises broke, and the make-believe ran out...-- And every time I try to pick it up, like falling sand, as fast as I pick it up, it runs away through my clutching hands. But there's nothing else I can really do, there's nothing else I can really do, at all.."
-A Letter To Elise, The Cure
"Go if you want to. I never tried to stop you. Know there's a reason, for all of this you're feeling. Love, it's not my call. ----Me, I don't show much. It's not that hard to hide you. See, in a moment, I can't remember how to be all you wanted. I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't ever love you more. I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love. You want me to cry and play my part. I want you to sigh and fall apart. We want this like everyone else. Stay if you want to. I always wait to hear you say, there's a last kiss. For all the times you run this way, it's not my fault--- I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love... You want me to lie, not break your heart, I want you to fly not stop and start. We want us like everything else. Maybe we didn't understand. It's just the end of the world. Maybe we didn't understand, not just a boy and a girl, it's just the end of the end of the world... Me... I don't say much. It's far too hard to make you see, in a moment, I still forget just how to be, all you wanted... I couldn't ever love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't looove.. "
-End of the World, The Cure
"I'm not ready for this, though I thought I would be. I can't see the future, that I thought I could see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you, ahh, I still do. Need some time to find myself, you wouldn't live with it. Can I go my own way, can I pray my own way? I don't want to leave you, oh I need you. Am I ready for this, did I think I would be? Can I see the future, no I can't see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do"
-I Still Do, The Cranberries
------
12/26/04:
The stars are bright tonight, and I am walking nowhere. I guess I will be alright, desire gets you no where. And you are always right, and my you are so perfect. Take you as you are, I'll have you as you are, I'll take you as you are. I love you just the way you are. I love you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? The stars are bright tonight, a distance is between us. And I will be okay, the worst I've ever seen us. Still I have my weaknesses, still I have my strengths. Still I have my ugliness, but I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anybody love the way they are..? I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? Star... Star..
Stars by the Cranberries (love this song ^ ^) Indeed, I do. My thoughts.
The sunshine, too light. The ocean, too wide. I'm sick of your cliche. The sky is kind, love is blind. You can't let go of the lost pain. you're in the maze, spending every day. I'm in the haze, I want the getaway. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. I feel a chill go down my feet. Your maple is so sweet. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. Your maple is so sweet. So sweet. We've got to get out, to get out, the hell out.
Le Pain Perdu, Cibo Matto (your scars never fade..? sure don't seem to)
I can take your pain away, if you tear down your fortress of memory. I can take your pain away, you don't need to be strong. I can take your pain away, I know we wear different shoes. I can take your pain away, barefoot we will tear the truth. You are the king of silence... You don't need one word to talk to me. All I know is we have sympathy. Close your eyes and your head on me. I can take your pain away, if you find a remedy in me. I can take your pain away, you can take as much as you want from me. I can take your pain away, we have distance between us. I can take your pain away, every time we can find the clue.
King of Silence, Cibo Matto (if you let me, I can. So silent. you try hard to help me, can you let me help you? It's no burden for me to hear the sadness, the problems, though my problems are burden for you)
The bus ride, I went to write this, 4:00 am. This letter. Fields of poppies, little pearls. All the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed. Each and every one a little scary. I said your name. I wore it like a a badge of teenage film stars, harsh bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras. Dreaming of Maria Callas, whoever she is. This fame thing, I don't get it. I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it. Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves. I can take you far. This star thing, I don't get it.
E-Bow the Letter, R.E.M.
I need something to fly over my grave again. I need something to breathe. I will try not to burden you, I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath, until all these shivers subside. Just look in my eyes. I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me, I shudder to breathe. I want you to remember, oh (you will never see). I need something to fly (something to fly). Over my grave again (I will see things that you will never see)... Why do you shiver? (I will see things that you will never see). I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me. Don't dare me to breathe... I want you to remember.
Try Not to Breathe, REM (Hard to hold my breath. Holding things in, emotion, confusion, questions, is like holding my breath. I try not to burden you, so I need to hold my breath. Don't dare me to let it out, don't give me reason to be confused or angry. Because I've been holding it in)
I've found a way to make you, I've found a way. A way to make you smile. I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages, just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, to awkward rhymes. You always say your name, like I wouldn't know it's you, at your most beautiful.
REM (does it? I save those, heh. Listen to them a lot.)
This flower is scorched. This film is on, on a maddening loop. These clothes, these clothes don't fit us right. I'm to blame, it's all the same, it's all the same. We've been through fake-a-breakdown. Self hurt. Plastics, collections. Self help, self pain. Est, physics, fuck all. I was central. I had control. I lost my head. I need this. I need this. A paper weight, a junk garage, winter rain, a honey pot. Crazy, all the lovers have been tagged. A hotline, a wanted add. It's crazy what you could've had. It's crazy what you could've had. I need this. I need this.
REM
Nothing's gonna start if you and I do nothing. Nothing's going to change if you and I are only waiting. Nothing's gonna move if you and I only see one thing. Nothing's gonna work, but I can't change the system of this world. Hey money junkie, what are you living for? I burn with anger. I set time bombs everywhere. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore. I'm very hungry. Bring me something to eat. I'm getting angry. Destroy everything, it's like a battle field. Something's gonna start if you and I do something. Something's gonna change if you and I get going. Something's gonna move if you and I see everything. Something's gonna work and you and I can conquer this world. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore.
Explosion, Shonen Knife
(lol...... I tend to ruin everything when I get in a bad mood... and nothing does nothing. I explode! XD I think I'm feeling fine today, though. Just my thoughts)
---
12/11/04:
"You never get the truth, just promises galore. Fool at the heart, don't look down. Everybody loves you when you're playing the clown.... Another year came, glorious sun. I tried to be an acrobat before I could run. Afternoon came, trumpets played. Oh oh maybe I'll get out of here one day.. Father, oh father. Everybody's young, and far too serious. Oh, oh mother dear.. don't let them shoot my kite down. Oh, oh father yeah, you'd let them shoot me down for sure. Another year.. don't let them shoot my kite, out of the sky.. "
"The bubble's are not reality, but it's inside your mind, making you forget what you're from and what's behind...."
"Today's sweet world is complicated. If you use your mind you'll survive. You'll get by and into your life I fall. Into your world I crawl. Under your spell I fall. Under your dream I fall into your life. I'm into your life. Come into my life."
"Every time you think you have it made, heaven sent, heaven sends you a nice big present. I got doomsday. She gets highway. Someone made me say these words again. And I swore I'd never use these words again, again and again. I love you, I love you. I want you, I want you. Something made me say these words again. It's you that made me use these words again. Again and again... Oh these words. All these stupid words. All these words. All these stupid, stupid words."
"Diary of a broken heart. Torn into a thousand pieces. Now take it from the very start. When life was still a bed of roses. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on believe what you can. Come on come on come on and read it. A trail of broken dreams laid down. When kindness was another story. At first it was the perfect world. But now you've nothing to show for it...."
"The other night I was lyin' awake. Another year, that has gone down the drain. Well, I can't sleep, where we don't talk. Yet you don't wanna hear, about all these things, I can't explain. I can't explain. No, I can't explain. Well, I don't get, the falling of the rain. I don't get the explanation game. I just got to love you. I can't explain."
--------
12/23/04:
"I feel like my feet have forgotten the way to your door. I have my hands and my words, but what are they for. And you said you thought I was cute but I'm just a cut flower, and every second's an hour. We scream, scream, that wasn't the way that it was. I believe, beauty was drowning because. My mix and match memory has managed to make you a god. And everything else I forgot. Goodbye... Goodbye.... Goooodbye.... Goodbye goodguy. I want to tell someone invisible that it's not fair. We're made up of moments and fingernails, toenails and hair. And in between be and begin and a jail of clay. How can you love me anyway? Goodbye.... Goodbye.... Goooodbye... Goodbye goodguy. Something was hovering over you boy, just then. You scolded me, told me don't bother, and vanished again. And everything perfect you said was just mirrors and wires.."
-Goodbye Goodguy Frente
"(even they don't give any more..) (try, try to fall) She fell down into this mess (even they don't give...) (try, try to fall) She fell down and he's so sick of it all. And of me. This part not out of her saw fit to drop. Whispers might just prove it all. (you're just closer to me when you fall, but you broke) This would prove it all. Sleep now, You susur, try to talk. Reach out for that hand. Reach out for that hand. (and even they don't give any more) (try, try to fall) Even then they don't give. (try, try to fall) You just closer to me at the fall. But you don't want, want me hand. You're just closer to me. But you don't want, want my hand."
-Carolyn's Fingers Cocteau Twins.
"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real. I've been been living so long with my pictures of you, that I almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel----- You were always so lost in the dark. Remembering, You how you used to be. Slow drowned, you were angels, so much more than everything. Hold for the last time, then slip away, quietly, open my eyes, but I never see anything. If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held on to your heart. If only I'd thought of the right words, I wouldn't be breaking apart. All my pictures of you"
-Pictures of You The Cure
(reminds me of something...) "Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say, I just can't stay here every yesterday like keep on acting out the same the way we act out. Every way to smile, forget, and make-believe we never needed any more than this. Any more than this. ------ The way the blue could pull me in, if they only would, if they only would. At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else that hides away. From me and you there's worlds to part, with aching looks and breaking hearts, and all the prayers your hands can make, oh I take as much as you can throw... And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away. Like throwing faces at the sky, like throwing arms round, yesterday I stood and stared, wide-eyed in front of you. And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to. But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do. Elise believe I never wanted this, I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises. I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about.. But I let the dream go, and the promises broke, and the make-believe ran out...-- And every time I try to pick it up, like falling sand, as fast as I pick it up, it runs away through my clutching hands. But there's nothing else I can really do, there's nothing else I can really do, at all.."
-A Letter To Elise, The Cure
"Go if you want to. I never tried to stop you. Know there's a reason, for all of this you're feeling. Love, it's not my call. ----Me, I don't show much. It's not that hard to hide you. See, in a moment, I can't remember how to be all you wanted. I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't ever love you more. I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love. You want me to cry and play my part. I want you to sigh and fall apart. We want this like everyone else. Stay if you want to. I always wait to hear you say, there's a last kiss. For all the times you run this way, it's not my fault--- I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love... You want me to lie, not break your heart, I want you to fly not stop and start. We want us like everything else. Maybe we didn't understand. It's just the end of the world. Maybe we didn't understand, not just a boy and a girl, it's just the end of the end of the world... Me... I don't say much. It's far too hard to make you see, in a moment, I still forget just how to be, all you wanted... I couldn't ever love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't looove.. "
-End of the World, The Cure
"I'm not ready for this, though I thought I would be. I can't see the future, that I thought I could see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you, ahh, I still do. Need some time to find myself, you wouldn't live with it. Can I go my own way, can I pray my own way? I don't want to leave you, oh I need you. Am I ready for this, did I think I would be? Can I see the future, no I can't see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do"
-I Still Do, The Cranberries
------
12/26/04:
The stars are bright tonight, and I am walking nowhere. I guess I will be alright, desire gets you no where. And you are always right, and my you are so perfect. Take you as you are, I'll have you as you are, I'll take you as you are. I love you just the way you are. I love you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? The stars are bright tonight, a distance is between us. And I will be okay, the worst I've ever seen us. Still I have my weaknesses, still I have my strengths. Still I have my ugliness, but I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anybody love the way they are..? I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? Star... Star..
Stars by the Cranberries (love this song ^ ^) Indeed, I do. My thoughts.
The sunshine, too light. The ocean, too wide. I'm sick of your cliche. The sky is kind, love is blind. You can't let go of the lost pain. you're in the maze, spending every day. I'm in the haze, I want the getaway. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. I feel a chill go down my feet. Your maple is so sweet. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. Your maple is so sweet. So sweet. We've got to get out, to get out, the hell out.
Le Pain Perdu, Cibo Matto (your scars never fade..? sure don't seem to)
I can take your pain away, if you tear down your fortress of memory. I can take your pain away, you don't need to be strong. I can take your pain away, I know we wear different shoes. I can take your pain away, barefoot we will tear the truth. You are the king of silence... You don't need one word to talk to me. All I know is we have sympathy. Close your eyes and your head on me. I can take your pain away, if you find a remedy in me. I can take your pain away, you can take as much as you want from me. I can take your pain away, we have distance between us. I can take your pain away, every time we can find the clue.
King of Silence, Cibo Matto (if you let me, I can. So silent. you try hard to help me, can you let me help you? It's no burden for me to hear the sadness, the problems, though my problems are burden for you)
The bus ride, I went to write this, 4:00 am. This letter. Fields of poppies, little pearls. All the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed. Each and every one a little scary. I said your name. I wore it like a a badge of teenage film stars, harsh bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras. Dreaming of Maria Callas, whoever she is. This fame thing, I don't get it. I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it. Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves. I can take you far. This star thing, I don't get it.
E-Bow the Letter, R.E.M.
I need something to fly over my grave again. I need something to breathe. I will try not to burden you, I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath, until all these shivers subside. Just look in my eyes. I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me, I shudder to breathe. I want you to remember, oh (you will never see). I need something to fly (something to fly). Over my grave again (I will see things that you will never see)... Why do you shiver? (I will see things that you will never see). I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me. Don't dare me to breathe... I want you to remember.
Try Not to Breathe, REM (Hard to hold my breath. Holding things in, emotion, confusion, questions, is like holding my breath. I try not to burden you, so I need to hold my breath. Don't dare me to let it out, don't give me reason to be confused or angry. Because I've been holding it in)
I've found a way to make you, I've found a way. A way to make you smile. I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages, just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, to awkward rhymes. You always say your name, like I wouldn't know it's you, at your most beautiful.
REM (does it? I save those, heh. Listen to them a lot.)
This flower is scorched. This film is on, on a maddening loop. These clothes, these clothes don't fit us right. I'm to blame, it's all the same, it's all the same. We've been through fake-a-breakdown. Self hurt. Plastics, collections. Self help, self pain. Est, physics, fuck all. I was central. I had control. I lost my head. I need this. I need this. A paper weight, a junk garage, winter rain, a honey pot. Crazy, all the lovers have been tagged. A hotline, a wanted add. It's crazy what you could've had. It's crazy what you could've had. I need this. I need this.
REM
Nothing's gonna start if you and I do nothing. Nothing's going to change if you and I are only waiting. Nothing's gonna move if you and I only see one thing. Nothing's gonna work, but I can't change the system of this world. Hey money junkie, what are you living for? I burn with anger. I set time bombs everywhere. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore. I'm very hungry. Bring me something to eat. I'm getting angry. Destroy everything, it's like a battle field. Something's gonna start if you and I do something. Something's gonna change if you and I get going. Something's gonna move if you and I see everything. Something's gonna work and you and I can conquer this world. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore.
Explosion, Shonen Knife
(lol...... I tend to ruin everything when I get in a bad mood... and nothing does nothing. I explode! XD I think I'm feeling fine today, though. Just my thoughts)
Do you Remember?
I wrote this a while ago.. December 26th, 2004. It's a foolish history. It's funny, isn't it...?
----
Ah.. Snuffles is on my lap, but my legs are trembling. I think I need to lay down, I guess that's what it means. Won't stop.. Hm.. Try to keep them still, but they shake anyway. Try to be nice to kitty, try to stop shaking. Aw.. You're so nice Snuffles.. I saw those gleaming eyes looking at me, half open with such love. *pets* Sweet sweet kitty. Make things better. Cute little lap warmer. *luvs her to death* I saved her. Fed her, she was so thin. Now she's a fat little thing, angel blue eyes. Never scratches, won't bite. Sweet one.. Heheheh. I feel a little better.... But I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I wish so so so so much to hear him. I wish to hear him, hear how he talks, so I can have the brief illusion of him being here. So I can hear him, not his thoughts. Hear my voice, hear me. Let me hear you.. *laughs* I remember when he recorded his voice. I was like "please say something!!" *grins* I still have his voice on here. "Shhhhh" "Whatever you want..." "he-looo" "hello" "Did you draw that?" Did you draw that.. Makes me grin every time I hear him say that. Grin every time I hear it. He'd always ask that when I showed him a cool drawing I'd found somewhere, and I'd laugh, annoyed but humored, and poke him. "Oh I wish!" I remember his singing too *grins some more, hums "'ll take you as you are..."* He was singing to Dashboard Confessional, such long words, heheh. What was it... It was... So Impossible. That was the song he sang with. *smiles* "dying to know, do you do you like dreaming of things so--" Heheh... Listening to it again now. Such fun memories. I wish I could hear him again (oh, I'll only say that five more times).
Let's see... I've listened to "Did you draw that?" 45 times, "he-LO!" 8 times, "hello" 13 times, the singing 22 times, "Shhhhh" 10 times, and "Whatever you want" 11 times. I only found these clips a few days ago, too. I hadn't thought to put them in my music playlist, heheh. *stretches*
I wonder what happened to those days? Why did it change? Why can't it go back? I know I messed things up, but he knew that I lo-- back then. I'm willing to change whatever I do wrong... Why can't I see him, why can't I call him, why can't I hear him..? *sighs* I miss it. It was so fun.
-------
Out of order. This one's from 2/14/04. Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentines Day to all!!!
Yay! It's Valentines day! Nothing very interesting happening for me though. Just hanging at home, feeling sick off chocolate (ugh... Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast...not smart). Yeah. For the occasion, I popped in Time Crisis 2 into my PS2 to shoot some people. Fun. Shoot some hearts out. Lol, I'm kidding on that, but I was playing that game. I'm better at it than I thought I was. I was playing two player with my older brother, and I was amazed that I was shooting everyone, because Alex stopped shooting for like two minutes, and I was like "What?? That was me??!!" Cool. I haven't played a shooting game in a year. I'm amazed I can shoot anything. I can even shoot the final boss without hitting the hostage. That's nice. It's weird how horrible the voice acting is in all shooting games. Funny. "VSSE... You fools!" So cliche! Presses a button setting off a bomb. Yesh.
Right now I'm listening to the Bombing Mission theme from Final Fantasy 7. It's the very start of the game, pretty much, where Cloud is working for team AVALANCHE. For some of you reading this, Cloud is that dude on the front of my bday invitation. He's cool. I like those old video game themes. Good memories. "Old school" or whatever, for you "hip" people. Ha. So stupid. Weird terms us Americans come up with, eh? Like "tight", where the heck did that come from?? Mom hates that one. Ha. Well, I hope all of you have some guy/girl to be with today (lucky turkeys!). Well, I recommend for all of you guys who are alone and bored to go to www.fanfiction.net and find some sweet fan fics with your favorite character pairings. Have a nice day!
---
*laughs* That one was good. These are all from the blog I once had, but I removed it, as I found people could be reading it. Lol.. Just because it was linked on my dad's website. That made me freak.
Here's one from just before my birthday, February 18th 2004.
Yayayayayay... My bday's coming up. I'm tired, so I'm not super excited at the moment. Hm..... I ate too much Laffy Taffy. Ough.... Owowowowow. Hm... Well...... I'm turning 14. Cool. Sounds... old. And teenage. That's so weird. Meh.... I'm feeling like Shikamaru at the moment. "How troublesome.. that's so troublesome... It's too troublesome...." That's what he always says. I feel that way. Well, maybe Aeris (brought back to the earth, may her spirit save us all from nuclear war) can cheer me up with this Happy Birthday animated gif... Yeah. Stare at her glory. Go for it.
--------
12/27/04:
It's worrying me. I get this weird feeling that it was the last straw, that I'm so so screwed. Worries me. Yes... It does... I don't like it. The problem was my mistrust, right? So, I'd like to be able to fix that, but I need to slowly get trust back in you. This isn't really helping. I need help to do it. It sure was depressing... *shakes head* Oh.. I dreamt something..? I dreamt I got a journal. And that it was one of my.. six? And so I was going to make it my writing journal, to put stories into. *shivers* Oh, I stayed up until 11 at night. What..? Why did I say 11? I don't even.. weird. I stayed up until 7 in the morning. It passed fast. Bad of me, wasting my days. *shivers again* Yeah.. I'm working on a story again. This time it's Nurse I Need my Medicine. I just started writing it. I didn't really know where it was going, not even sure who the main character was. I think it's me. It's always me. Because, I want to be able to experience those things, the things I can't experience. So, I'm in the hospital, and my nurse is named Sheryl. Day four of the stay, I wake up and really can think after those days of waking up a little and falling back to sleep. Something happened to my legs.. I'm not sure of what the incident was. I got hit by a car, I got stranded, I almost froze to death, getting frostbite all the way up to my legs. I fell through the ice. Maybe. I fell into the ice, and the ice formed again above me, and I almost drowned, and I was under long enough to get frostbite in my legs. Sure. That would really hurt. Yeah.. I'm going to go do something else. I miss them. Yeah. I miss them. I wonder where they are, or if it's what I get for doing something they didn't like. Hm. I shouldn't assume so much, "suppose" so much. Heh. It's not like they've done anything before? The silence was to help, not to hurt. They've never given me the cold shoulder, why would they now? But it's still not looking good. Well... Whatever...
-----
12/27/04:
Jesus.... Just.. Damn. Ha.. Yes, I want to say that a lot. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. Indeed. Punch a pillow. Cry in my head. I hate this. I hate my actions, soooo much. Regret regret regret regret. Damn it. No no n o.. I.. Why do I say this shit? Why do I say it? I'm so afraid, that's why. I'm so afraid, that I ruin it all. I hate myself so much for it. .......... ... *shudders* *closes eyes* Why did I... How do I not know? How do I not know that I will regret it later? Oh, yeah. My emotion swallows up everything. I can't think of anything but to get rid of that feeling, I need to let it all out. And, I don't care what happens tomorrow, until it comes. No. This sucks. So much. ............. *stomach twists in a knot* where do you feel regret? In the heart, in the stomach, in your head? I feel it in the heart, and the stomach. How do you know the difference between right and wrong? I know because I'll regret it. Well, I regret more than I should, but I know, it's wrong if it hurts anyone or anything. If it hurts myself, well, sometimes it's ok, but it's wrong if it hurts someone else. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I wrote that on my wall a while ago. I feel it again now. My fingers turn to ice, my head feels light, my stomach turns in knots, my heart hurts, and I start to shake. Because, I know, I did it wrong again. I'll forever feel it. I'll forever regret. Is there no relief? Is there no way to control? Is there no hope for me? Is there nothing.. Is there no hope? I'm forever making mistakes. What shall I try to promise? What shall I do? Tell me, what to do. Tell me how to stop. Tell me what not to say, tell me to swear to never say again. Tell me to not worry so much. Tell me, so i can stop. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me what I can do, what can I do, to make it up to you. What can I do, what can I do, what can I do to balance the pain I have caused you? What can I do, to even it? What can I do to repent? What do I do, to stop?
--------------
----
Ah.. Snuffles is on my lap, but my legs are trembling. I think I need to lay down, I guess that's what it means. Won't stop.. Hm.. Try to keep them still, but they shake anyway. Try to be nice to kitty, try to stop shaking. Aw.. You're so nice Snuffles.. I saw those gleaming eyes looking at me, half open with such love. *pets* Sweet sweet kitty. Make things better. Cute little lap warmer. *luvs her to death* I saved her. Fed her, she was so thin. Now she's a fat little thing, angel blue eyes. Never scratches, won't bite. Sweet one.. Heheheh. I feel a little better.... But I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I wish so so so so much to hear him. I wish to hear him, hear how he talks, so I can have the brief illusion of him being here. So I can hear him, not his thoughts. Hear my voice, hear me. Let me hear you.. *laughs* I remember when he recorded his voice. I was like "please say something!!" *grins* I still have his voice on here. "Shhhhh" "Whatever you want..." "he-looo" "hello" "Did you draw that?" Did you draw that.. Makes me grin every time I hear him say that. Grin every time I hear it. He'd always ask that when I showed him a cool drawing I'd found somewhere, and I'd laugh, annoyed but humored, and poke him. "Oh I wish!" I remember his singing too *grins some more, hums "'ll take you as you are..."* He was singing to Dashboard Confessional, such long words, heheh. What was it... It was... So Impossible. That was the song he sang with. *smiles* "dying to know, do you do you like dreaming of things so--" Heheh... Listening to it again now. Such fun memories. I wish I could hear him again (oh, I'll only say that five more times).
Let's see... I've listened to "Did you draw that?" 45 times, "he-LO!" 8 times, "hello" 13 times, the singing 22 times, "Shhhhh" 10 times, and "Whatever you want" 11 times. I only found these clips a few days ago, too. I hadn't thought to put them in my music playlist, heheh. *stretches*
I wonder what happened to those days? Why did it change? Why can't it go back? I know I messed things up, but he knew that I lo-- back then. I'm willing to change whatever I do wrong... Why can't I see him, why can't I call him, why can't I hear him..? *sighs* I miss it. It was so fun.
-------
Out of order. This one's from 2/14/04. Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentines Day to all!!!
Yay! It's Valentines day! Nothing very interesting happening for me though. Just hanging at home, feeling sick off chocolate (ugh... Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast...not smart). Yeah. For the occasion, I popped in Time Crisis 2 into my PS2 to shoot some people. Fun. Shoot some hearts out. Lol, I'm kidding on that, but I was playing that game. I'm better at it than I thought I was. I was playing two player with my older brother, and I was amazed that I was shooting everyone, because Alex stopped shooting for like two minutes, and I was like "What?? That was me??!!" Cool. I haven't played a shooting game in a year. I'm amazed I can shoot anything. I can even shoot the final boss without hitting the hostage. That's nice. It's weird how horrible the voice acting is in all shooting games. Funny. "VSSE... You fools!" So cliche! Presses a button setting off a bomb. Yesh.
Right now I'm listening to the Bombing Mission theme from Final Fantasy 7. It's the very start of the game, pretty much, where Cloud is working for team AVALANCHE. For some of you reading this, Cloud is that dude on the front of my bday invitation. He's cool. I like those old video game themes. Good memories. "Old school" or whatever, for you "hip" people. Ha. So stupid. Weird terms us Americans come up with, eh? Like "tight", where the heck did that come from?? Mom hates that one. Ha. Well, I hope all of you have some guy/girl to be with today (lucky turkeys!). Well, I recommend for all of you guys who are alone and bored to go to www.fanfiction.net and find some sweet fan fics with your favorite character pairings. Have a nice day!
---
*laughs* That one was good. These are all from the blog I once had, but I removed it, as I found people could be reading it. Lol.. Just because it was linked on my dad's website. That made me freak.
Here's one from just before my birthday, February 18th 2004.
Yayayayayay... My bday's coming up. I'm tired, so I'm not super excited at the moment. Hm..... I ate too much Laffy Taffy. Ough.... Owowowowow. Hm... Well...... I'm turning 14. Cool. Sounds... old. And teenage. That's so weird. Meh.... I'm feeling like Shikamaru at the moment. "How troublesome.. that's so troublesome... It's too troublesome...." That's what he always says. I feel that way. Well, maybe Aeris (brought back to the earth, may her spirit save us all from nuclear war) can cheer me up with this Happy Birthday animated gif... Yeah. Stare at her glory. Go for it.
--------
12/27/04:
It's worrying me. I get this weird feeling that it was the last straw, that I'm so so screwed. Worries me. Yes... It does... I don't like it. The problem was my mistrust, right? So, I'd like to be able to fix that, but I need to slowly get trust back in you. This isn't really helping. I need help to do it. It sure was depressing... *shakes head* Oh.. I dreamt something..? I dreamt I got a journal. And that it was one of my.. six? And so I was going to make it my writing journal, to put stories into. *shivers* Oh, I stayed up until 11 at night. What..? Why did I say 11? I don't even.. weird. I stayed up until 7 in the morning. It passed fast. Bad of me, wasting my days. *shivers again* Yeah.. I'm working on a story again. This time it's Nurse I Need my Medicine. I just started writing it. I didn't really know where it was going, not even sure who the main character was. I think it's me. It's always me. Because, I want to be able to experience those things, the things I can't experience. So, I'm in the hospital, and my nurse is named Sheryl. Day four of the stay, I wake up and really can think after those days of waking up a little and falling back to sleep. Something happened to my legs.. I'm not sure of what the incident was. I got hit by a car, I got stranded, I almost froze to death, getting frostbite all the way up to my legs. I fell through the ice. Maybe. I fell into the ice, and the ice formed again above me, and I almost drowned, and I was under long enough to get frostbite in my legs. Sure. That would really hurt. Yeah.. I'm going to go do something else. I miss them. Yeah. I miss them. I wonder where they are, or if it's what I get for doing something they didn't like. Hm. I shouldn't assume so much, "suppose" so much. Heh. It's not like they've done anything before? The silence was to help, not to hurt. They've never given me the cold shoulder, why would they now? But it's still not looking good. Well... Whatever...
-----
12/27/04:
Jesus.... Just.. Damn. Ha.. Yes, I want to say that a lot. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. Indeed. Punch a pillow. Cry in my head. I hate this. I hate my actions, soooo much. Regret regret regret regret. Damn it. No no n o.. I.. Why do I say this shit? Why do I say it? I'm so afraid, that's why. I'm so afraid, that I ruin it all. I hate myself so much for it. .......... ... *shudders* *closes eyes* Why did I... How do I not know? How do I not know that I will regret it later? Oh, yeah. My emotion swallows up everything. I can't think of anything but to get rid of that feeling, I need to let it all out. And, I don't care what happens tomorrow, until it comes. No. This sucks. So much. ............. *stomach twists in a knot* where do you feel regret? In the heart, in the stomach, in your head? I feel it in the heart, and the stomach. How do you know the difference between right and wrong? I know because I'll regret it. Well, I regret more than I should, but I know, it's wrong if it hurts anyone or anything. If it hurts myself, well, sometimes it's ok, but it's wrong if it hurts someone else. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I wrote that on my wall a while ago. I feel it again now. My fingers turn to ice, my head feels light, my stomach turns in knots, my heart hurts, and I start to shake. Because, I know, I did it wrong again. I'll forever feel it. I'll forever regret. Is there no relief? Is there no way to control? Is there no hope for me? Is there nothing.. Is there no hope? I'm forever making mistakes. What shall I try to promise? What shall I do? Tell me, what to do. Tell me how to stop. Tell me what not to say, tell me to swear to never say again. Tell me to not worry so much. Tell me, so i can stop. Tell me how to fix it. Tell me what I can do, what can I do, to make it up to you. What can I do, what can I do, what can I do to balance the pain I have caused you? What can I do, to even it? What can I do to repent? What do I do, to stop?
--------------
Okay..
Well, I'm going to sleep now.. hehe. Too little sleep. *glances up* ... I'm still paranoid.
Doot-doot. I'm suddenly grumpy again. What's with that? I think I'm kinda a greedy brat, in some way. Well, in the way that I really don't want good things to end. And when they do I feel kinda down. Never satisfied.. How do you enjoy the little things when you don't even have time to stop and look at them? That's my problem. I want to savor every day, every moment, yet can't. And that leaves me unsatisfied. Jeez, I'm hard to please, aren't I?
I want to stop and look, I want to draw and I want to write, sit and watch everything. I want to sit and sip a hot chocolate, downtown, and talk about everything. Point at the clouds against the buildings, that looks so much like the perfect painting. I'm not happy with my life, as it's going. Not at all. But don't we all go through this? It can't be just as we wish it could be.
Heaven would be having everyday as my own. I want to go everywhere in the city, I want to go.. Why am I so trapped, why do I feel so trapped? Why does it all seem so empty?
Sometimes I wonder if my feelings are real. Do I really feel this? Am I really having emotion, or is it just a story in my head? Am I really me..? Who am I? Why must I do so much just to enjoy life? I don't understand.
-----
I think my mouth's bleeding... Inside. I think I stabbed myself with a chip. Haa. That hurt. Salt for a wound. Maybe not, but it really stung. What a weird thing to say.
Doot-doot. I'm suddenly grumpy again. What's with that? I think I'm kinda a greedy brat, in some way. Well, in the way that I really don't want good things to end. And when they do I feel kinda down. Never satisfied.. How do you enjoy the little things when you don't even have time to stop and look at them? That's my problem. I want to savor every day, every moment, yet can't. And that leaves me unsatisfied. Jeez, I'm hard to please, aren't I?
I want to stop and look, I want to draw and I want to write, sit and watch everything. I want to sit and sip a hot chocolate, downtown, and talk about everything. Point at the clouds against the buildings, that looks so much like the perfect painting. I'm not happy with my life, as it's going. Not at all. But don't we all go through this? It can't be just as we wish it could be.
Heaven would be having everyday as my own. I want to go everywhere in the city, I want to go.. Why am I so trapped, why do I feel so trapped? Why does it all seem so empty?
Sometimes I wonder if my feelings are real. Do I really feel this? Am I really having emotion, or is it just a story in my head? Am I really me..? Who am I? Why must I do so much just to enjoy life? I don't understand.
-----
I think my mouth's bleeding... Inside. I think I stabbed myself with a chip. Haa. That hurt. Salt for a wound. Maybe not, but it really stung. What a weird thing to say.
So Late...
It's so late at night.. I won't be surprised if the sun starts coming up. If the light slowly spreads across the sky. Well, I haven't had a wink of sleep. Been having too much fun, with my daydreams. Daydreams are nice.. More, I've been sharing them. *smiles* I've found someone perfect, in the way that we can relate. Well, you people already know this, I think. Let's just say, we enjoy the smallest things. Stars and swings, walking and Chinese food.. *laughs* Perfection.
I spent tonight wondering how it would be, if he ever came here. Our conversation was amusing. I'm far too open, I think, but he doesn't seem to mind.. (phew..)
I'll give you some of it. (sorry Zandry) Talking about meeting in an airport:
Him: i'll just walk by, pretending i didn't see you : P
Me: No way. you would sooo get hugged
Him: Just wait around the corner, until you gave up
Me: lol, no way, mean. You'd want to see me, wouldn't you?
Him: See you all sad, walking away with your sign, and then just tap you on the shoulder : P
Me: lol : P That would be fun, though : P
Him: yes
Me: Then I'd be even more happy to see you :D
Him: lol
Me: I'd be like "omg, it isssss uuuuu!" or... er... no. In my head, at least
Him: Lol
Me: more like... "MICHEAL??" *heart attack* lol "Oh my god, it's you! It's you!" *hug*
Him: Hah, then everyone would look at us
Me: haha, that'd be funny. I'd glomp you and knock you over, and then everyone would stare
Him: lol
Me: ^___^ That'd be fun, but painful. But yay, it'd be funny. A memorable moment
Him: yes : P
Me: :D we'll have to freeze things, in water, ya know.
Him: For sure
Me: mmmhm.. :)
Him: And hope it turns out better than the one I did : P
Me: lol, it may.. so.. Either I'd glomp you or you'd make me wait
Him: yes
Me: I'd likely stand there holding my sign, stare at the crowd, more and more nervous and excited. If you came out I'd wait for you to step aside and wave at me, so I didn't glomp the wrong person by coincidence : O
Him: Lol, I'd laugh so hard
Me: "Ooops! Sorry! Wrong one!" :D hahaa
Him: haha
Me: so sad, I would die. And then I'd see you and I'd be like "......" :( But I'd likely wait for you to wave, but it'd be obvious who you were
Him: lol
Me: the only cute one. : P and the only one with mostly black, and the only one my age
Him: I won't look it though
Me: lol, I guess not. What, do you look older in person? : P
Him: lol, sorta
Me: anyway, I'd glomp you. Or if I was too afraid to, with people around, just hug joo. And I wouldn't be able to stop grinning
---
Fun fun fun. haha..
I spent tonight wondering how it would be, if he ever came here. Our conversation was amusing. I'm far too open, I think, but he doesn't seem to mind.. (phew..)
I'll give you some of it. (sorry Zandry) Talking about meeting in an airport:
Him: i'll just walk by, pretending i didn't see you : P
Me: No way. you would sooo get hugged
Him: Just wait around the corner, until you gave up
Me: lol, no way, mean. You'd want to see me, wouldn't you?
Him: See you all sad, walking away with your sign, and then just tap you on the shoulder : P
Me: lol : P That would be fun, though : P
Him: yes
Me: Then I'd be even more happy to see you :D
Him: lol
Me: I'd be like "omg, it isssss uuuuu!" or... er... no. In my head, at least
Him: Lol
Me: more like... "MICHEAL??" *heart attack* lol "Oh my god, it's you! It's you!" *hug*
Him: Hah, then everyone would look at us
Me: haha, that'd be funny. I'd glomp you and knock you over, and then everyone would stare
Him: lol
Me: ^___^ That'd be fun, but painful. But yay, it'd be funny. A memorable moment
Him: yes : P
Me: :D we'll have to freeze things, in water, ya know.
Him: For sure
Me: mmmhm.. :)
Him: And hope it turns out better than the one I did : P
Me: lol, it may.. so.. Either I'd glomp you or you'd make me wait
Him: yes
Me: I'd likely stand there holding my sign, stare at the crowd, more and more nervous and excited. If you came out I'd wait for you to step aside and wave at me, so I didn't glomp the wrong person by coincidence : O
Him: Lol, I'd laugh so hard
Me: "Ooops! Sorry! Wrong one!" :D hahaa
Him: haha
Me: so sad, I would die. And then I'd see you and I'd be like "......" :( But I'd likely wait for you to wave, but it'd be obvious who you were
Him: lol
Me: the only cute one. : P and the only one with mostly black, and the only one my age
Him: I won't look it though
Me: lol, I guess not. What, do you look older in person? : P
Him: lol, sorta
Me: anyway, I'd glomp you. Or if I was too afraid to, with people around, just hug joo. And I wouldn't be able to stop grinning
---
Fun fun fun. haha..
Saturday, June 11, 2005
What's Wrong?
I can't tell you much about this. I don't think it would be a good idea, not at all.
Let's just say.. Relatives. Screwed up.
Fine.. My cousin's in jail. Something's wrong with her.. She's lost too much weight and has been emotionally unstable. Does drugs and is having an affair, apparently. My mom whispered to me in the kitchen. You never expect these things to be inside your own family.. You never expect to be able to relate. When you read a book about certain things happening to people, you can't relate, because you can't see it happening to you or anyone you know. But it does, and it may.
I never expected my brother to have a disability. I never expected one of my relatives to almost go homeless. I never expected one to go to jail. I never expected things to happen, like that. But lucky for me, it's far away. It's not something I need to worry about, but it is close enough to be disturbing. Can you imagine? But don't look at it like the problems swallow up everything. My cousin's a good person. I walked and talked with her, she was here for a visit. She's just like anyone else.
----
Besides that.. We're full of smiles and laughs, jokes and grins. We're mostly artistic, we have broad minds and a variety of personalities. But we all know how to laugh. The Hemingway side is a good one. My mom, my two aunts, my grandpa, my grandma, my cousins.. All come with good memories... Reminds me, I'm going over to my grandparent's house when school is over. It'll be like a paradise, a sanctuary for my writing to blossom once again. I'll be happy to stay there for a week or two. Nice and quiet.. Peaceful and inspiring. My grandpa.. Gramps, he promised he would show me his sketchbooks. I have always wanted to look through all his art.. because it's wonderful. It's amazing.. I want to be able to draw like that, paint like that, someday. I can't wait until summer.. I wish it would hurry.
Let's just say.. Relatives. Screwed up.
Fine.. My cousin's in jail. Something's wrong with her.. She's lost too much weight and has been emotionally unstable. Does drugs and is having an affair, apparently. My mom whispered to me in the kitchen. You never expect these things to be inside your own family.. You never expect to be able to relate. When you read a book about certain things happening to people, you can't relate, because you can't see it happening to you or anyone you know. But it does, and it may.
I never expected my brother to have a disability. I never expected one of my relatives to almost go homeless. I never expected one to go to jail. I never expected things to happen, like that. But lucky for me, it's far away. It's not something I need to worry about, but it is close enough to be disturbing. Can you imagine? But don't look at it like the problems swallow up everything. My cousin's a good person. I walked and talked with her, she was here for a visit. She's just like anyone else.
----
Besides that.. We're full of smiles and laughs, jokes and grins. We're mostly artistic, we have broad minds and a variety of personalities. But we all know how to laugh. The Hemingway side is a good one. My mom, my two aunts, my grandpa, my grandma, my cousins.. All come with good memories... Reminds me, I'm going over to my grandparent's house when school is over. It'll be like a paradise, a sanctuary for my writing to blossom once again. I'll be happy to stay there for a week or two. Nice and quiet.. Peaceful and inspiring. My grandpa.. Gramps, he promised he would show me his sketchbooks. I have always wanted to look through all his art.. because it's wonderful. It's amazing.. I want to be able to draw like that, paint like that, someday. I can't wait until summer.. I wish it would hurry.
Heart Heart <3
Heheheeehehe.. *giggles*
Damn. He IS cute. Him and all his talk of being ugly... I was starting to wonder. Well, you know, just expecting the worst. But hell no. Every picture I see is absolutely cuuuute to me. So.. drool-worthy... *grins a crazy smile*
"you are truly insane"
Okaaaaaaaaaay. Sure, whatever you say. But.. cute. Cute cute cute cute cute cute cute.
You know that warm happy feeling you get inside? The one after a really good day, after some success or victory.. The happiness that completely warms your soul from the inside out? Dubbed the 'warm and fuzzy feeling', the one that you get when you feel truly happy, happy enough to burst. I'm getting that at this very moment. Fireworks. The excessive need to glomp. Just a picture. A simple picture. And I smile big. And wish to hug a pillow. And hum and sing and smile and laugh. It's a good feeling. My feet are tingling.. wait, maybe that's because my circulation's being cut off.. whoops. Well, wait, maybe not. Lol. But yay. Yay yay yay yay. I want every picture he has of himself and to hug each one. I'll collect them ALL! Like Pokemon! Bwahah...
<3. Tehehe..
"in all of the school, I couldn't find someone genuinely cute
nor anyone who could make me squeal in my head like a crazy little fan girl upon seeing them"
Indeed I did and indeed I am. *squee* ^___^
Damn. He IS cute. Him and all his talk of being ugly... I was starting to wonder. Well, you know, just expecting the worst. But hell no. Every picture I see is absolutely cuuuute to me. So.. drool-worthy... *grins a crazy smile*
"you are truly insane"
Okaaaaaaaaaay. Sure, whatever you say. But.. cute. Cute cute cute cute cute cute cute.
You know that warm happy feeling you get inside? The one after a really good day, after some success or victory.. The happiness that completely warms your soul from the inside out? Dubbed the 'warm and fuzzy feeling', the one that you get when you feel truly happy, happy enough to burst. I'm getting that at this very moment. Fireworks. The excessive need to glomp. Just a picture. A simple picture. And I smile big. And wish to hug a pillow. And hum and sing and smile and laugh. It's a good feeling. My feet are tingling.. wait, maybe that's because my circulation's being cut off.. whoops. Well, wait, maybe not. Lol. But yay. Yay yay yay yay. I want every picture he has of himself and to hug each one. I'll collect them ALL! Like Pokemon! Bwahah...
<3. Tehehe..
"in all of the school, I couldn't find someone genuinely cute
nor anyone who could make me squeal in my head like a crazy little fan girl upon seeing them"
Indeed I did and indeed I am. *squee* ^___^
Friday, June 10, 2005
Describe
Fingertips sting. Battered, from nervously scraping away, anxious fingers, hidden beneath my desk. Nails so short they almost bleed. My pointer fingers, at least. The rest are chipped and uneven, as the blue nailpolish. My fingers have to do something. I don't bite my nails, I wear them away. It's not a pretty sight. But they don't look as bad as they did earlier. But still sting.
The linger flavor of cookies tastes sour on my tongue, like morning breath and too little to drink. A bad taste. My stomach process the sweet, flour and chocolate.. Not a positive feeling, but it doesn't hurt me, or I don't feel it much. My shoulders feel stiff, nothing unusual. Always feel stiff. Warmth sticks to my body like a blanket, uncomfortably smothering me beneath it, not letting any cool air come close.
My hair is a masked clean. Fake. Babypowder. Ever heard of that? When your hair is terrible, and you have no time, you can hide it with babypowder. Rub it into your hair, and it looks soft, hiding the fact that it's dirty. My hair curls slightly, looking like I'd slept on it, as always. Stretch backwards, letting out a long yawn. Sigh quietly, slip off shoes. The warmth still smothers you.
The linger flavor of cookies tastes sour on my tongue, like morning breath and too little to drink. A bad taste. My stomach process the sweet, flour and chocolate.. Not a positive feeling, but it doesn't hurt me, or I don't feel it much. My shoulders feel stiff, nothing unusual. Always feel stiff. Warmth sticks to my body like a blanket, uncomfortably smothering me beneath it, not letting any cool air come close.
My hair is a masked clean. Fake. Babypowder. Ever heard of that? When your hair is terrible, and you have no time, you can hide it with babypowder. Rub it into your hair, and it looks soft, hiding the fact that it's dirty. My hair curls slightly, looking like I'd slept on it, as always. Stretch backwards, letting out a long yawn. Sigh quietly, slip off shoes. The warmth still smothers you.
Poems..
It's a faded memory
it's a haunting past
from memory the
shadow soon cast
upon my back
that strikes
and spreads,
inside,
outside
down my veins and
through my eyes
to blind
to find
to consume my mind
and never may I
trust again..
--
Slipping silent
it's hard not to fall
hand grasping
cold marble wall
of this prison
I call a home
this body
I call a tomb
for the already departed
---
it's a haunting past
from memory the
shadow soon cast
upon my back
that strikes
and spreads,
inside,
outside
down my veins and
through my eyes
to blind
to find
to consume my mind
and never may I
trust again..
--
Slipping silent
it's hard not to fall
hand grasping
cold marble wall
of this prison
I call a home
this body
I call a tomb
for the already departed
---
Ouch.
I clear my throat. "... Shut. Up!"
The phone keeps ringing.
It still hurts. It hurts to know. It hurts to see it.
I don't want to see it.
Stop.. Reading it.. Stop looking, stop caring, stop stop stop. It aches.
But, hypocrite. I do too, don't I? Because I can't... help it. I have to know how he's doing. I hate him. More than anyone.
So you did read my poetry...? I can't believe you..
Hah. I shouldn't do this, should I? No. What if he looks at this too? I can't believe this.. That hurt, do you know? 70 days being ignored. But I asked for it, didn't I? I even offered it.. But I didn't know how long that would feel.. And do you know how much it hurt, knowing that even though you could, you never once looked, to see if I was okay? You didn't. Do you now?
I said I would stop.. stop talking about this...
But I can't believe this..
---
Hide the fucking windows. Hide them all. They can't see me looking, they won't see it, they will never see me looking there. They won't see me doing this. I'm over it, they know it. Innocent questions of whatever happened to 'my boyfriend', as my brother calls any guy I talk to for more than an hour. Hide the fucking windows. Hit the gooddamned F11. Hit it and watch it all disappear. And breathe. Just breathe in, and pretend you aren't hiding anything. I'm over it, understand? Wouldn't you wonder how your old friend is doing with his new girlfriend, or your old friend doing with their boyfriend? Wouldn't you wonder? I click and I find out. I find proof, that they still mingle and read my works. Do you know how that feels? It makes you angry, at how they do it now.. And they never did before, did they??
I look at the sun and go blind, and look back to the sun with empty eyes.
---
Okay. I feel better now. Pretend I didn't say anything, alright? I'm an angsty little brat.
*stretches out arms like wings, wide*
I need to listen to Carolyn's Fingers and cry. ^___^
Cocteau Twins have the magic ability to sound like gibberish. This one is just a little more distinguishable.. maybe because I've heard it 63 times. Here's how it sounds:
Meeseeh, yooa fulla la..
chee ise, este es su meees..
si ivu se ievi, deehs..
Ii, frahaju, iban ma nnanii..
(een hen ne ne ne mo...
(se..cha)
Chisii, laahasa, chihasu meeh..
(leeemenee... che..)
Chii, denii, susu uleee.. la laaa..
Here's what she's really saying:
When he said, 'You are full of love'
She fell down into this dirty mess
Some people see me laugh and tell us,
'It's wrong to make fun of me'
(Even they don't give any more)
(Try, try to fall)
She fell down into this mess
(Even then they don't give)
(Try, try to fall)
She fell down and he's so sick of it all
And of me
----------------------------------
Maybe Sleepy Maggie is more suiting. It's pretty... I used to listen to it every Friday night in the summer.. When I was twelve.
-- Ciamar a ni mi dannsa direach, Ciamar a ni mi ruidhle bhoidheach. Ciamar a ni mi dannsa direach. Dhi'fhalbh am prionn as bonn mo chota..
It's a lovely song to listen to with a dark sky and stars.
The phone keeps ringing.
It still hurts. It hurts to know. It hurts to see it.
I don't want to see it.
Stop.. Reading it.. Stop looking, stop caring, stop stop stop. It aches.
But, hypocrite. I do too, don't I? Because I can't... help it. I have to know how he's doing. I hate him. More than anyone.
So you did read my poetry...? I can't believe you..
Hah. I shouldn't do this, should I? No. What if he looks at this too? I can't believe this.. That hurt, do you know? 70 days being ignored. But I asked for it, didn't I? I even offered it.. But I didn't know how long that would feel.. And do you know how much it hurt, knowing that even though you could, you never once looked, to see if I was okay? You didn't. Do you now?
I said I would stop.. stop talking about this...
But I can't believe this..
---
Hide the fucking windows. Hide them all. They can't see me looking, they won't see it, they will never see me looking there. They won't see me doing this. I'm over it, they know it. Innocent questions of whatever happened to 'my boyfriend', as my brother calls any guy I talk to for more than an hour. Hide the fucking windows. Hit the gooddamned F11. Hit it and watch it all disappear. And breathe. Just breathe in, and pretend you aren't hiding anything. I'm over it, understand? Wouldn't you wonder how your old friend is doing with his new girlfriend, or your old friend doing with their boyfriend? Wouldn't you wonder? I click and I find out. I find proof, that they still mingle and read my works. Do you know how that feels? It makes you angry, at how they do it now.. And they never did before, did they??
I look at the sun and go blind, and look back to the sun with empty eyes.
---
Okay. I feel better now. Pretend I didn't say anything, alright? I'm an angsty little brat.
*stretches out arms like wings, wide*
I need to listen to Carolyn's Fingers and cry. ^___^
Cocteau Twins have the magic ability to sound like gibberish. This one is just a little more distinguishable.. maybe because I've heard it 63 times. Here's how it sounds:
Meeseeh, yooa fulla la..
chee ise, este es su meees..
si ivu se ievi, deehs..
Ii, frahaju, iban ma nnanii..
(een hen ne ne ne mo...
(se..cha)
Chisii, laahasa, chihasu meeh..
(leeemenee... che..)
Chii, denii, susu uleee.. la laaa..
Here's what she's really saying:
When he said, 'You are full of love'
She fell down into this dirty mess
Some people see me laugh and tell us,
'It's wrong to make fun of me'
(Even they don't give any more)
(Try, try to fall)
She fell down into this mess
(Even then they don't give)
(Try, try to fall)
She fell down and he's so sick of it all
And of me
----------------------------------
Maybe Sleepy Maggie is more suiting. It's pretty... I used to listen to it every Friday night in the summer.. When I was twelve.
-- Ciamar a ni mi dannsa direach, Ciamar a ni mi ruidhle bhoidheach. Ciamar a ni mi dannsa direach. Dhi'fhalbh am prionn as bonn mo chota..
It's a lovely song to listen to with a dark sky and stars.
Cracking
When I get like this, I can't even think. I can't move, I can't think, I can't do anything. I can't think.. With all these.. people here. MAYBE I SOUND CRAZY BUT I CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE. (all caps just to see if they would notice)
People.. People people. It stresses me out more than anything. I get home, sit down, and only find that I can't do anything. Why? Because everyone's walking behind me, glancing at the screen to see what I'll do. See what I look at. See this blog that I'm hiding from them. My brother has already found it, but merely uses it as occasional blackmail. Good that he's to lazy to read my secrets.
When they're here, I'm stuck. Waiting for them to leave. My hands go stiff, my mind starts to ache, and breathing is an effort. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think-- Why do I do this?
Something about it makes me crazy. One more comment and I'll crack. One more stupid comment. Don't tell me that it's creepy, don't tell me that I'm weird, don't ask me if I have a blog, don't lecture me about it, don't tell me that it's stupid, don't tell ask me about the comics, don't don't don't say a word. If they see what I do, they'll laugh at me, or they'll say something rude. I don't like it.. I don't. Emotional breakdown at this second, I'm worse than I usually am.. I don't know why. Today is bad.. I don't know why today, what triggers it. Emotion and tears, nearly. But can't cry because people are around. Fucking people, people, people. I can't cry, I can't sing, I can't write, I can't do anything. Carson with his Strongbad, Alex with his whining, Mom with her lecturing, Dad with his backups and instillations. Makes me want to scream! But wait, I can't scream either, can I..??
I can't show any emotion. I can't do what I want to do. I can't write without being asked. I can't talk without someone having to know who I'm talking to. I hate it so much..
Sorry. Today something is wrong with me. Today My head hurts and my insides tie in knots, tenseness shoots to my head and my eyes water. I.. can't.. even.. do this. .. without hurting. I just want you all to go away. Go go away.
Stress.. Stress stress stress.. Does that have anything to do with it? A presentation on Monday, my first final. --
... and I'm knocked away from my spell from a conversation. Thank god for that.*sighs* I need to shut up and loosen up and stop freaking out. I don't know why I snap.
People.. People people. It stresses me out more than anything. I get home, sit down, and only find that I can't do anything. Why? Because everyone's walking behind me, glancing at the screen to see what I'll do. See what I look at. See this blog that I'm hiding from them. My brother has already found it, but merely uses it as occasional blackmail. Good that he's to lazy to read my secrets.
When they're here, I'm stuck. Waiting for them to leave. My hands go stiff, my mind starts to ache, and breathing is an effort. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think-- Why do I do this?
Something about it makes me crazy. One more comment and I'll crack. One more stupid comment. Don't tell me that it's creepy, don't tell me that I'm weird, don't ask me if I have a blog, don't lecture me about it, don't tell me that it's stupid, don't tell ask me about the comics, don't don't don't say a word. If they see what I do, they'll laugh at me, or they'll say something rude. I don't like it.. I don't. Emotional breakdown at this second, I'm worse than I usually am.. I don't know why. Today is bad.. I don't know why today, what triggers it. Emotion and tears, nearly. But can't cry because people are around. Fucking people, people, people. I can't cry, I can't sing, I can't write, I can't do anything. Carson with his Strongbad, Alex with his whining, Mom with her lecturing, Dad with his backups and instillations. Makes me want to scream! But wait, I can't scream either, can I..??
I can't show any emotion. I can't do what I want to do. I can't write without being asked. I can't talk without someone having to know who I'm talking to. I hate it so much..
Sorry. Today something is wrong with me. Today My head hurts and my insides tie in knots, tenseness shoots to my head and my eyes water. I.. can't.. even.. do this. .. without hurting. I just want you all to go away. Go go away.
Stress.. Stress stress stress.. Does that have anything to do with it? A presentation on Monday, my first final. --
... and I'm knocked away from my spell from a conversation. Thank god for that.*sighs* I need to shut up and loosen up and stop freaking out. I don't know why I snap.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Tired Of Tired
My mind's kinda died on me.. Can't think. Not at all, not at all.
I was awake for about twenty minutes, but now I'm tired again. I need to figure out how to do that math, huh... 10 percent of my grade depends on tomorrow's test, and I don't understand a word of it. Alex had better help me with that. Though, I know I'm stupid, to do this, procrastinate.. but.. oh well....
I keep on listening to the previews of the songs I don't have yet. Because I'm kinda sick of all the songs I have. Maybe I'll listen to one five more times. Stars and Boulevards? Different? Clocks? I don't know. I'm tired, but don't want to go to bed. It reminds me of those endless nights, you know? We didn't have much to say. I would wait for you to come back, and would wait for something to cheer me up, for you to cheer me up. I often left disappointed, but I loved you anyway, didn't I? I don't know why I did, anymore. I guess because you were the first who remotely gave a damn. But eventually you didn't, and poof, disappeared. Faded away like I always thought you would, at the back of my head. I am a pretty irritable person, so it makes sense that you did.
What was the use in that, if I don't even learn from that mistake? It's funny, ironic, too bad. Oh well.
Sleep is too short. "you finally get relief, and then so soon it feels, you are jerked away from this comfort and back into the world, bleary-eyed", I said. "I feel like I never want to wake up, which is sorta creepy"
Death is the brother of sleep, a quote said. Is death more satisfying? Who knows. "Everything that rises must fall, all that you receive must be consumed, all the lives someday dies", Buddhist principles. Every time I close my eyes I realize that it won't be for long. I wish it could be longer. I'm wanna sleep. Forever and ever and ever. Sleep is pure relief from every worry, all pain.. All of it fades until you wake up. Why must we wake?
I sound like that evil person from the videogame. Same kinda theory, except with death. "Everyone suffers.. Everyone has fears, hurts, worries.. I liberate them from it. When you die, you are free. So, I want to liberate Spira." Lol, he's so creepy. But I don't mean that at all. o__o I just mean I want to sleep forever. And dream. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. I want to sleep until I'm not tired, never again. Life is such a pain when you're tired.. Everything's forced, everything you do aches. I don't want to be tired anymore.. I want to be able to look at the world with open eyes. Why am I so tired..? I'm tired every day, every day. I hate it more than anything, I think. It makes my life more dreary and stressful, makes everything hard. Hard to think, hard to work. Why do I have to wake up?
I was awake for about twenty minutes, but now I'm tired again. I need to figure out how to do that math, huh... 10 percent of my grade depends on tomorrow's test, and I don't understand a word of it. Alex had better help me with that. Though, I know I'm stupid, to do this, procrastinate.. but.. oh well....
I keep on listening to the previews of the songs I don't have yet. Because I'm kinda sick of all the songs I have. Maybe I'll listen to one five more times. Stars and Boulevards? Different? Clocks? I don't know. I'm tired, but don't want to go to bed. It reminds me of those endless nights, you know? We didn't have much to say. I would wait for you to come back, and would wait for something to cheer me up, for you to cheer me up. I often left disappointed, but I loved you anyway, didn't I? I don't know why I did, anymore. I guess because you were the first who remotely gave a damn. But eventually you didn't, and poof, disappeared. Faded away like I always thought you would, at the back of my head. I am a pretty irritable person, so it makes sense that you did.
What was the use in that, if I don't even learn from that mistake? It's funny, ironic, too bad. Oh well.
Sleep is too short. "you finally get relief, and then so soon it feels, you are jerked away from this comfort and back into the world, bleary-eyed", I said. "I feel like I never want to wake up, which is sorta creepy"
Death is the brother of sleep, a quote said. Is death more satisfying? Who knows. "Everything that rises must fall, all that you receive must be consumed, all the lives someday dies", Buddhist principles. Every time I close my eyes I realize that it won't be for long. I wish it could be longer. I'm wanna sleep. Forever and ever and ever. Sleep is pure relief from every worry, all pain.. All of it fades until you wake up. Why must we wake?
I sound like that evil person from the videogame. Same kinda theory, except with death. "Everyone suffers.. Everyone has fears, hurts, worries.. I liberate them from it. When you die, you are free. So, I want to liberate Spira." Lol, he's so creepy. But I don't mean that at all. o__o I just mean I want to sleep forever. And dream. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. I want to sleep until I'm not tired, never again. Life is such a pain when you're tired.. Everything's forced, everything you do aches. I don't want to be tired anymore.. I want to be able to look at the world with open eyes. Why am I so tired..? I'm tired every day, every day. I hate it more than anything, I think. It makes my life more dreary and stressful, makes everything hard. Hard to think, hard to work. Why do I have to wake up?
Sleepy Thoughts
*rests head on desk*... hard to type this way........ But it feels so good to rest my head down on it.. Micheal says I should sleep... eh.. but.. I don't want to.. I have so much to do... .. but I can't think.. .... ............ so tired...
Personality?
Hmm...
Extraversion
||||||||||||
43%
Stability
||||||
30%
Orderliness
||||||||||
40%
Empathy
||||||||||||||
56%
Interdependence
||||||||||||
50%
Intellectual
||||||||||
36%
Mystical
||||||
23%
Artistic
||||||||||||||||||||
83%
Religious
||||||
30%
Hedonism
||||||
23%
Materialism
||||||||||||
50%
Narcissism
||||||||||||
50%
Adventurousness
||||||||||||
50%
Work ethic
||||||||||||
43%
Self absorbed
||||||||||||
50%
Conflict seeking
||||||
30%
Need to dominate
||||||
30%
Romantic
||||||||||||||||
70%
Avoidant
||||||||||||
50%
Anti-authority
||||||||||||||||
63%
Wealth
||||||
30%
Dependency
||||||||||||||
56%
Change averse
||||||||||||||
56%
Cautiousness
||||||||||||||||
63%
Individuality
||||||||||||||||||
76%
Sexuality
||||||
23%
Peter pan complex
||||||||||||||||||||
83%
Physical security
||||||||||||||
56%
Physical fitness
||||||||||||||||||||
84%
Histrionic
||||||||||
36%
Paranoia
||||||||||||
43%
Vanity
||||||||||||
43%
Hypersensitivity
||||||||||||||||
63%
Female cliche
||||||||||||
50%
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous
Extraversion
||||||||||||
43%
Stability
||||||
30%
Orderliness
||||||||||
40%
Empathy
||||||||||||||
56%
Interdependence
||||||||||||
50%
Intellectual
||||||||||
36%
Mystical
||||||
23%
Artistic
||||||||||||||||||||
83%
Religious
||||||
30%
Hedonism
||||||
23%
Materialism
||||||||||||
50%
Narcissism
||||||||||||
50%
Adventurousness
||||||||||||
50%
Work ethic
||||||||||||
43%
Self absorbed
||||||||||||
50%
Conflict seeking
||||||
30%
Need to dominate
||||||
30%
Romantic
||||||||||||||||
70%
Avoidant
||||||||||||
50%
Anti-authority
||||||||||||||||
63%
Wealth
||||||
30%
Dependency
||||||||||||||
56%
Change averse
||||||||||||||
56%
Cautiousness
||||||||||||||||
63%
Individuality
||||||||||||||||||
76%
Sexuality
||||||
23%
Peter pan complex
||||||||||||||||||||
83%
Physical security
||||||||||||||
56%
Physical fitness
||||||||||||||||||||
84%
Histrionic
||||||||||
36%
Paranoia
||||||||||||
43%
Vanity
||||||||||||
43%
Hypersensitivity
||||||||||||||||
63%
Female cliche
||||||||||||
50%
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Burn In Hell
Hello, Alex.
If you ever come back here again, I'll call Mayre and invite her over, and have her come over and "kill you" in your sleep.
^___^
Thank you, have a nice day.
If you ever come back here again, I'll call Mayre and invite her over, and have her come over and "kill you" in your sleep.
^___^
Thank you, have a nice day.
Japanese Class
(I'm going backwards. This is fifth period, math is 6th.. wait, so it's in the right order, because newest entries go to the top.. huh..)
In Japanese class today, the first thing that was said to me is "Girls on the right, boys on the left". Tashibu sensei, since her strong annoyance with the guys yesterday, has been plotting, it seems. So, she's finding a new way to make the guys stop talking and making scenes during class.
"Anywhere?" She says yes. I get all happy, because I get to sit near Mayre. I sit in the front desk, the second from the door, and Mayre sits to my right. Tashibu sensei was lecturing us all yesterday. Yes, she is a bit sexist. I noticed. But it is true, that most of the guys are talking all the time and the girls are mostly smart ones... So she was venting about how the guys are immature and that they need to get their act together. So today she changed the seating.
She had it so we were basically two teams. There are a lot more guys than girls, but whatever. The girls take up two rows, the guys take up three. There are about six seats per row. I'm fine with it this way, I don't like any of the guys. Well, I don't like any guys.. at all. Not one. So I guess I can't say anything.
She said that if she had to say Lee's name three times, all the boys lose a point. Unfair, I know. But it made Lee shut up, a little. I dislike the competition between two groups, it makes me more stressed and unwilling to volunteer to answer a question. Because she's taking points, now. I'm not sure if she actually records points in any way, because I swear that she erases them and forgets, from the whiteboard. But maybe she keeps in mind how each 'team' did.
Japanese cheers me up, somehow. I guess language classes keep me awake, unlike the rest.
In Japanese class today, the first thing that was said to me is "Girls on the right, boys on the left". Tashibu sensei, since her strong annoyance with the guys yesterday, has been plotting, it seems. So, she's finding a new way to make the guys stop talking and making scenes during class.
"Anywhere?" She says yes. I get all happy, because I get to sit near Mayre. I sit in the front desk, the second from the door, and Mayre sits to my right. Tashibu sensei was lecturing us all yesterday. Yes, she is a bit sexist. I noticed. But it is true, that most of the guys are talking all the time and the girls are mostly smart ones... So she was venting about how the guys are immature and that they need to get their act together. So today she changed the seating.
She had it so we were basically two teams. There are a lot more guys than girls, but whatever. The girls take up two rows, the guys take up three. There are about six seats per row. I'm fine with it this way, I don't like any of the guys. Well, I don't like any guys.. at all. Not one. So I guess I can't say anything.
She said that if she had to say Lee's name three times, all the boys lose a point. Unfair, I know. But it made Lee shut up, a little. I dislike the competition between two groups, it makes me more stressed and unwilling to volunteer to answer a question. Because she's taking points, now. I'm not sure if she actually records points in any way, because I swear that she erases them and forgets, from the whiteboard. But maybe she keeps in mind how each 'team' did.
Japanese cheers me up, somehow. I guess language classes keep me awake, unlike the rest.
Math Class
Has it really been that long? Four days?.. I usually do about two a day, and yet these days passed without another entry. I'll give you one today.
The boys were being stupid again. Math class. But, whatever.. They don't bother me, because I'm not worth bothering. I just sit there. I never frown, I never get upset, I never smile, I never respond. It's my way of keeping safe. If I feel anything, I won't show it. I'll just think in my head "you guys are idiots" and be satisfied.
"----Hey Tanya, do you think that'd be a stupid idea?" (you don't want to know what they were asking about)
*shrugs*
"She never has an opinion on anything"
"yeah she does! She just never says it, isn't that right?"
"umm.. yeah.. I just never bother"
"Are you against Bush?"
"well.. I don't really like him.."
"see, she has opinions"
The first time this year that either has said anything to me.
"shit..-"
*I look up*
"Did Connie make you guys talk gibberish today in her class?"
"Yeah.."
"That was so weird. I recorded her"
*chuckles*
-----
I spend most of math class dozing off, absentmindedly erasing the writing that stretches across the table. The girl who annoys me apparently has the math class too, but in a different period. I don't like her. I know she's there, because she wrote her name on the desk. They make a mess of it, but at least it's hard to see, because the table's black.
On my table in math class:
"Anna
Sarah
Hi
Hey
Hey?
I love Alex F
Sarah + Alex = <3 Forever!
I love U2!
Vertigo
Problem Child. Not.
You suck!
Who sits here?
No one of consequence
Huh?
I guess you've never seen the Princess Bride.. <--- I've seen it. A movie. (I wrote that part)
Eh..? What's that have to do with anything?
*arrow pointing to the "no one of conciquence*
F*ck B*tch You"
-----
The boys were being stupid again. Math class. But, whatever.. They don't bother me, because I'm not worth bothering. I just sit there. I never frown, I never get upset, I never smile, I never respond. It's my way of keeping safe. If I feel anything, I won't show it. I'll just think in my head "you guys are idiots" and be satisfied.
"----Hey Tanya, do you think that'd be a stupid idea?" (you don't want to know what they were asking about)
*shrugs*
"She never has an opinion on anything"
"yeah she does! She just never says it, isn't that right?"
"umm.. yeah.. I just never bother"
"Are you against Bush?"
"well.. I don't really like him.."
"see, she has opinions"
The first time this year that either has said anything to me.
"shit..-"
*I look up*
"Did Connie make you guys talk gibberish today in her class?"
"Yeah.."
"That was so weird. I recorded her"
*chuckles*
-----
I spend most of math class dozing off, absentmindedly erasing the writing that stretches across the table. The girl who annoys me apparently has the math class too, but in a different period. I don't like her. I know she's there, because she wrote her name on the desk. They make a mess of it, but at least it's hard to see, because the table's black.
On my table in math class:
"Anna
Sarah
Hi
Hey
Hey?
I love Alex F
Sarah + Alex = <3 Forever!
I love U2!
Vertigo
Problem Child. Not.
You suck!
Who sits here?
No one of consequence
Huh?
I guess you've never seen the Princess Bride.. <--- I've seen it. A movie. (I wrote that part)
Eh..? What's that have to do with anything?
*arrow pointing to the "no one of conciquence*
F*ck B*tch You"
-----
Friday, June 03, 2005
Went Cold
Just laid in bed, with the lights on. Couldn't shake off that terrible feeling I got. Just a kind of numbed shock and emptiness, a kind of hopeless dreary dread. Felt my insides twist in knots and my heart fade out into nothing.
'Why can't I....' went through my head over and over and over. Echoing through my empty head, reverberating in heart, stomach, breath, eyes. Bouncing around in the empty corridors of my mind. Slipping in each door, uninvited, unwelcome, something you just want to throw out, yell at. 'Why can't I be...' it goes louder, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Shut up, shut up. I don't want to want it, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to feel it. Just three words. Just three. Please. Anybody, say them. I don't know why.. why.. why I'm so.. obsessed with it. What has made me this way? It's as if it's all I care about. Every night when it all goes sad, I think the same thing. 'Why can't I be loved?'
The feeling is similar to rotting. Falling apart, disintegrating, decomposing, cracking up. Fading. It's hard to explain why. But suddenly it consumes you from the inside out, that useless and left out feeling. That dreadful reminder. That transition from warm to cold, suddenly, shocking. It just swallows you, blocking everything else out. Smiles can't come, laughter disappears, everything goes dark. Stuck in a shadow. The light is gone, the thoughts come to me again. The 'why' the 'how' the wishes, the dreams, the yearning. It's hard to block them out.
It's partially the realization- nothing gold ever stays, nothing warm ever lasts... *laughs* I can't help but remember the phrase... "foreigner sweet, foreigner romantic, but foreigner always has to go back home" It's from a movie. It hurts my head at the moment. Among the obvious and known words of "it never works" and all that. I know it doesn't work, I've had first hand experience. Yet I do this, again.... It makes me hate myself. It makes me think 'stupid, stupid, stupid idiotic girl! Shut up and stop whining, stop this shit, go find someone here, here!! Why do you have to do this to yourself?' It's a question I can't answer. I don't know why.....
Why am I so gloomy, anyway? I guess I feel lonely again. Tired. Lonely. Tired. Lonely. Over and over and over and over and over... I don't understand. I'm.. fine. Why do I still feel this way? I was good today. I did all my math, I took a shower, I was good.. Yet now I am pained in a different way.
Why am I sad?
These nights kill my spirit.
It's funny, how I have to convince myself, everyday.. Everyday I have to find a reason to like myself. I don't.. know. Everyday I have to find some way to convince myself that I really am good.. That I really have a use, that I'm not just a random person that no one cares about, wandering around and doing nothing all her life, never making a difference. Reminds me of that freak-out journal I did once. I was, I am,... kinda weird. Basically I was super sad and suddenly got all emotional and started blathering about how I wanted to be someone's "angel". I guess I do. But how, and why? I guess I need to feel like I have some worth. As Haku said, the most painful feeling is knowing that you are unwanted, uneeded in this world. *sighs* I have to find a way to feel like I have any reason, any point. I feel that life is so pointless, so often.. *shakes head* I hope deeply that summer will save me from all these thoughts.. or something else....
But I'm afraid not.
'Why can't I....' went through my head over and over and over. Echoing through my empty head, reverberating in heart, stomach, breath, eyes. Bouncing around in the empty corridors of my mind. Slipping in each door, uninvited, unwelcome, something you just want to throw out, yell at. 'Why can't I be...' it goes louder, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Shut up, shut up. I don't want to want it, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to feel it. Just three words. Just three. Please. Anybody, say them. I don't know why.. why.. why I'm so.. obsessed with it. What has made me this way? It's as if it's all I care about. Every night when it all goes sad, I think the same thing. 'Why can't I be loved?'
The feeling is similar to rotting. Falling apart, disintegrating, decomposing, cracking up. Fading. It's hard to explain why. But suddenly it consumes you from the inside out, that useless and left out feeling. That dreadful reminder. That transition from warm to cold, suddenly, shocking. It just swallows you, blocking everything else out. Smiles can't come, laughter disappears, everything goes dark. Stuck in a shadow. The light is gone, the thoughts come to me again. The 'why' the 'how' the wishes, the dreams, the yearning. It's hard to block them out.
It's partially the realization- nothing gold ever stays, nothing warm ever lasts... *laughs* I can't help but remember the phrase... "foreigner sweet, foreigner romantic, but foreigner always has to go back home" It's from a movie. It hurts my head at the moment. Among the obvious and known words of "it never works" and all that. I know it doesn't work, I've had first hand experience. Yet I do this, again.... It makes me hate myself. It makes me think 'stupid, stupid, stupid idiotic girl! Shut up and stop whining, stop this shit, go find someone here, here!! Why do you have to do this to yourself?' It's a question I can't answer. I don't know why.....
Why am I so gloomy, anyway? I guess I feel lonely again. Tired. Lonely. Tired. Lonely. Over and over and over and over and over... I don't understand. I'm.. fine. Why do I still feel this way? I was good today. I did all my math, I took a shower, I was good.. Yet now I am pained in a different way.
Why am I sad?
These nights kill my spirit.
It's funny, how I have to convince myself, everyday.. Everyday I have to find a reason to like myself. I don't.. know. Everyday I have to find some way to convince myself that I really am good.. That I really have a use, that I'm not just a random person that no one cares about, wandering around and doing nothing all her life, never making a difference. Reminds me of that freak-out journal I did once. I was, I am,... kinda weird. Basically I was super sad and suddenly got all emotional and started blathering about how I wanted to be someone's "angel". I guess I do. But how, and why? I guess I need to feel like I have some worth. As Haku said, the most painful feeling is knowing that you are unwanted, uneeded in this world. *sighs* I have to find a way to feel like I have any reason, any point. I feel that life is so pointless, so often.. *shakes head* I hope deeply that summer will save me from all these thoughts.. or something else....
But I'm afraid not.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Shit!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH-!
...or, EEK!
Guess what just happened...
Okay, first of all, a few days ago, there was a spider upstairs. I glared at it, thought.. Jeez, how terrible. I went to the bathroom. The spider was now in the bathroom on the floor. I attempted to ignore it.
So, what happened today? I was putting things away, arranging stuff.. I pick up my binder, and then scream. The spider is in my binder. It was. I screamed a little (not like, scream scream, but a freaked out surprised one), and Mom was like "what's the matter??" I say "There's a spider in my binder!" She replies "Hey, are you sure? Maybe just a shadow.." She shakes it out. I don't see the spider anywhere. "Shit, now it's probably squashed in my binder somewhere.. no way am I touching it" "Nah nah, I bet it isn't..."
And then I see it. "damn! There it is!" and catch it in a cup. So now it's wandering around inside its little prison. My fingers are tingling randomly, and it startles me because it feels like a spider is crawling on my hand. I hate that.
That's why I am called the spider queen. Whyyyyyyyyy????
"Maybe they're attracted to your prettiness" o___o
Spiders... Blah!!
...or, EEK!
Guess what just happened...
Okay, first of all, a few days ago, there was a spider upstairs. I glared at it, thought.. Jeez, how terrible. I went to the bathroom. The spider was now in the bathroom on the floor. I attempted to ignore it.
So, what happened today? I was putting things away, arranging stuff.. I pick up my binder, and then scream. The spider is in my binder. It was. I screamed a little (not like, scream scream, but a freaked out surprised one), and Mom was like "what's the matter??" I say "There's a spider in my binder!" She replies "Hey, are you sure? Maybe just a shadow.." She shakes it out. I don't see the spider anywhere. "Shit, now it's probably squashed in my binder somewhere.. no way am I touching it" "Nah nah, I bet it isn't..."
And then I see it. "damn! There it is!" and catch it in a cup. So now it's wandering around inside its little prison. My fingers are tingling randomly, and it startles me because it feels like a spider is crawling on my hand. I hate that.
That's why I am called the spider queen. Whyyyyyyyyy????
"Maybe they're attracted to your prettiness" o___o
Spiders... Blah!!
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