You've been around for such a long time now
Oh maybe I could leave you but I don't know how
And why should I be lonely every night
When I can be with you
Oh yes you make it right
And I don't listen to the guys who say
That you're bad for me and I should turn you away
'Cos they don't know about us
And they've never heard of love
There's no need for living in the past
Now I've found good loving gonna make it last
I tell the others don't bother me
'Cos when they look at you they don't see what I see
No I don't listen to their wasted lines
Got my eyes wide open and I see the signs
But they don't know about us
And they've never heard of love
-Kirsty MaCcoll
*whistles*
Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Halloween!
Hey loves.
It's Hallooooweeen..! And it's not raining yet. Joy joy joy.
Yes yes, and I love you Zandry. Sorry, just thinking about you makes me feel all warm and happy. ^___^.... I hope I get to see you someday. And oh no, I'm back to daydreaming, ehehe. I really really wish I could see you.
I'm stealing you from her, you know.
And I'll wait till the end of time for you to come see me, to date me, something, anything. To hold your hand. How I'd love that.
Like your poem. I'd like to do all that with you. Let's splash in puddles and run around and lay in the grass to watch clouds someday.
Dream reawakens.
------
Speaking of that, girls disturb me. Freshmen girls with cellphones. "So I asked him if I was like, weird, and he said 'no, you're not' and I was like 'cool' but really I was like 'EEEeeeeEeE!'"
Oh god. They make love such a disgraceful thing. Like some child's play to gossip about. Feelings are feelings, not playthings. It's not like 'eee' when he says your not weird, it's 'eee' when he kisses your cheek or something, or compliments you.
It's Hallooooweeen..! And it's not raining yet. Joy joy joy.
Yes yes, and I love you Zandry. Sorry, just thinking about you makes me feel all warm and happy. ^___^.... I hope I get to see you someday. And oh no, I'm back to daydreaming, ehehe. I really really wish I could see you.
I'm stealing you from her, you know.
And I'll wait till the end of time for you to come see me, to date me, something, anything. To hold your hand. How I'd love that.
Like your poem. I'd like to do all that with you. Let's splash in puddles and run around and lay in the grass to watch clouds someday.
Dream reawakens.
------
Speaking of that, girls disturb me. Freshmen girls with cellphones. "So I asked him if I was like, weird, and he said 'no, you're not' and I was like 'cool' but really I was like 'EEEeeeeEeE!'"
Oh god. They make love such a disgraceful thing. Like some child's play to gossip about. Feelings are feelings, not playthings. It's not like 'eee' when he says your not weird, it's 'eee' when he kisses your cheek or something, or compliments you.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Blankity Blank
I've had my blank for two weeks now. This weirds me out... I was in the shower and mom came in (we only have one bathroom, so we have to share at such times) and I shouted to her asking if that was normal.
"no."
"greeat"
She said she didn't know why. I said I didn't know why either. She said I should go to the doctor. I do noot look forward to this. She asked me about my chart. I said I lost it.
"What?? You lost it?"
"Yeah, course I did! I need to put it on my bulletin board.. And I keep on losing track!"
So blah. She said it could be stress. "Cramping up?" "Never have them" "Ah, that's nice"
As if blank isn't a pain to have for one week. Two..? At least it wasn't bad enough to lead me to bring more blank, but it means I have to watch what I wear more and be cautious.. God. I don't want something to be wrong with me.. Ugh. Oh noes, I'm bleeeeeding..! Haha.
"no."
"greeat"
She said she didn't know why. I said I didn't know why either. She said I should go to the doctor. I do noot look forward to this. She asked me about my chart. I said I lost it.
"What?? You lost it?"
"Yeah, course I did! I need to put it on my bulletin board.. And I keep on losing track!"
So blah. She said it could be stress. "Cramping up?" "Never have them" "Ah, that's nice"
As if blank isn't a pain to have for one week. Two..? At least it wasn't bad enough to lead me to bring more blank, but it means I have to watch what I wear more and be cautious.. God. I don't want something to be wrong with me.. Ugh. Oh noes, I'm bleeeeeding..! Haha.
Future Child?
For some reason these subjects have been bouncing in my head. If I had a child, what would they be like? How would I raise them? So I wanna brainstorm, because it would be interesting.
I'd either adopt or have my own. It really depends. I personally am afraid of the idea of giving birth, cause damn.. Who wouldn't be a bit afraid? Hours and hours.... *shudder* anyway.. Depends. Also, I may not have/get a child, because.. I don't trust myself. I mean, I feel it would be too overwhelming, and they may have my trait of social anxiety. I have to deal with that, and that plus a child would be bad, or if they got it from me, I'd feel really bad. An adopted child would be nice, because I'd be helping and not adding to the population. I kinda like the idea of having a child that's a part of me, but also adopting is appealing.
For some reason, I already know what name I want. First, I really really want a girl. I'd not be so happy having a guy because.. I'm girly, and I like guys who have a slight girly side to them, at least in some ways (most guys are idiots too). At first I thought I wanted her name to be Briar. It's a pretty name. But then I saw a girl in class named Briar. I figure, it's taken. I don't want to think of her when I see my child.
Therefore, I'm naming her.. Bramble. Yes, Bramble. Not a beautiful name, not a name most would have. But for some reason I love it. Let me give you a definition.
Bramble - a prickly scrambling wild shrub of the rose family, esp. blackberry or (loosely) a dog rose
I have an obsession with fairy tales and fairies. So it has a free nature feeling to it. A bramble is something of nature, wild that adapts to many places... Artistic and maybe rebellious, curvy curious. Messy but creative. In Seattle, many blackberry bushes grow. And life is bittersweet. You may graze a thorn while reaching for a berry. Roses are beautiful but have their thorns. My daughter would be like that.. With good and bad in balance..
I was sounding it out, and it has a bit of a popping noise to it. When you say the name, you use your lips twice. My name, Tanya, is all said with the tongue. Move lips out, open them a bit downwards, bring them together and in, and out again. That's how you say Bramble.
---
I'd be very careful when raising her. Careful but not too careful......
Kindness would be the structure that her life would be based upon. Kindness to everyone and everything. She would be taught to never stereotype, never be rude, and to accept all differences. I'd raise her open minded and curious..
I'd give her dolls and encourage imagination and art. She'd paint and play with playdo and we'd sing. I'd dance with her and show her my music. She'd love my kitty and pet her.
I would explain to her all life was about..
Things I would ask her.. "How do you think the world was created?" That's my first question that I'll ask her. I'd like to hear her ideas. Young children have a wisdom and such a open way of speaking, undefined by the things that tell them what and what not to say.
I'd make it clear to her that she can't have everything she wants, because I am unable to get all I want, no matter how I wish. I'd explain that I'd always be wanting to please her and make her happy, but not all things I can do.
One thing I'd make sure, she is not to throw huge fits. I'll try my best to teach her to express her distress in some other way. I know it's natural for toddlers to throw fits, but with my social anxiety.. well.. I think I'd have a panic attack if everyone stared at me. So I'm going to teach her as well as I can. Pouting instead of screaming, and writing out things when she learns to.. Taking deep breathes and telling me plainly what was bothering her. I'd give her hugs and explain.
I'd love to give her dresses and watch her twirl in them, to comb her hair and braid it. To hold her hand and teach her how to make daisy chains. That would be a joy for sure.
Mmhm.. Someday.
I'd either adopt or have my own. It really depends. I personally am afraid of the idea of giving birth, cause damn.. Who wouldn't be a bit afraid? Hours and hours.... *shudder* anyway.. Depends. Also, I may not have/get a child, because.. I don't trust myself. I mean, I feel it would be too overwhelming, and they may have my trait of social anxiety. I have to deal with that, and that plus a child would be bad, or if they got it from me, I'd feel really bad. An adopted child would be nice, because I'd be helping and not adding to the population. I kinda like the idea of having a child that's a part of me, but also adopting is appealing.
For some reason, I already know what name I want. First, I really really want a girl. I'd not be so happy having a guy because.. I'm girly, and I like guys who have a slight girly side to them, at least in some ways (most guys are idiots too). At first I thought I wanted her name to be Briar. It's a pretty name. But then I saw a girl in class named Briar. I figure, it's taken. I don't want to think of her when I see my child.
Therefore, I'm naming her.. Bramble. Yes, Bramble. Not a beautiful name, not a name most would have. But for some reason I love it. Let me give you a definition.
Bramble - a prickly scrambling wild shrub of the rose family, esp. blackberry or (loosely) a dog rose
I have an obsession with fairy tales and fairies. So it has a free nature feeling to it. A bramble is something of nature, wild that adapts to many places... Artistic and maybe rebellious, curvy curious. Messy but creative. In Seattle, many blackberry bushes grow. And life is bittersweet. You may graze a thorn while reaching for a berry. Roses are beautiful but have their thorns. My daughter would be like that.. With good and bad in balance..
I was sounding it out, and it has a bit of a popping noise to it. When you say the name, you use your lips twice. My name, Tanya, is all said with the tongue. Move lips out, open them a bit downwards, bring them together and in, and out again. That's how you say Bramble.
---
I'd be very careful when raising her. Careful but not too careful......
Kindness would be the structure that her life would be based upon. Kindness to everyone and everything. She would be taught to never stereotype, never be rude, and to accept all differences. I'd raise her open minded and curious..
I'd give her dolls and encourage imagination and art. She'd paint and play with playdo and we'd sing. I'd dance with her and show her my music. She'd love my kitty and pet her.
I would explain to her all life was about..
Things I would ask her.. "How do you think the world was created?" That's my first question that I'll ask her. I'd like to hear her ideas. Young children have a wisdom and such a open way of speaking, undefined by the things that tell them what and what not to say.
I'd make it clear to her that she can't have everything she wants, because I am unable to get all I want, no matter how I wish. I'd explain that I'd always be wanting to please her and make her happy, but not all things I can do.
One thing I'd make sure, she is not to throw huge fits. I'll try my best to teach her to express her distress in some other way. I know it's natural for toddlers to throw fits, but with my social anxiety.. well.. I think I'd have a panic attack if everyone stared at me. So I'm going to teach her as well as I can. Pouting instead of screaming, and writing out things when she learns to.. Taking deep breathes and telling me plainly what was bothering her. I'd give her hugs and explain.
I'd love to give her dresses and watch her twirl in them, to comb her hair and braid it. To hold her hand and teach her how to make daisy chains. That would be a joy for sure.
Mmhm.. Someday.
My Life And Smexuality and What Parents Would Worry About
Hoho. Now this is a bit daring to talk of on the internet. Well well.. I don't give a damn. So hush. If you don't want to see it, cover your eyes, and hit back, BUT, I promise there will be nothing in.. *shudder* detail. Just general.
My family is very loose with smexuality (I'm calling it that for the sake of someone I hold dear, haha)... All my family.. Except my brothers.. Well, my younger brother is 11 (I called him 12 earlier, he turns 12 in December..), and my older brother is 18. My older brother is completely anti-smex, loathes girls, and lives in his dorm. He's fine with general nudity and explicitness, but for he himself, it's not his cuppa tea. My younger brother has just learned of the horror.
My mom, today, made the HUGE mistake of making a smex joke. Well, not smex itself, but mstrbtin. The three of us were at the table, I was carving my pumpkin, he was doing, I don't remember, and he told a joke. Mom told one too.
I was like "Mom! He shouldn't hear that..! He's only 12!"
"He's not 12!"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever, 11! That's even worse!"
"No it's not-! He had smex-ed!"
"Sooo! That doesn't make it any different!!!"
Carson gets this disturbed look, and says in a strangled voice "I don't know and I don't want to know".. glares at her and leaves the room.
I heard the door slam a few times. More than once to make his point. I sat alone and continued carving, pondering how to explain to Mom that wasn't a good idea. Mom goes to sew in the basement.
Later, I go downstairs and I say to her. "Mom. You know, at his age.. Telling him about smex is like saying people cut off their own hands and enjoy it." Mom's eyes widen and she gives a horrified look. "Yes, it's that bad. When I first learned about it, it was that strange and horrifying to me. So don't do that.."
"What do I do?"
"Nothing! Just don't say anything like that"
So now she's learned her lesson. And now you know how open my family is.
--
Going on about the real topic..... Here's where smex related things have appeared in my life.
At some age I asked how cats had kittens. My dad explained it to me (oh god) and I got this really weird look and said I didn't get it.. How old was I..? Six maybe? I remember every word.. o____o... *horror*
As a child I took baths with my brother, because at that age nudity doesn't mean anything.
Gramps has nude art. He used to be a commercial artist and right when you enter the house, in the little room, is his charcoal nude drawings. My grandma is disturbingly open and not at all insecure, but thank god, she spares us sight of anything we wouldn't want to see. Like.. She stays upstairs, and she was changing behind the screen, but there are three long vertical windows. She didn't bother to close the blinds. -___-;
My mom's an artist too. What does she specialize in? Etch-a-Sketch art! It's awesome. She's really skilled at it.. She does figure drawing, and does women (I've only seen her do a guy once, and it was a very old one). Bathing suit and nude.. She was in the Seattle Erotic Art Show, and she has a tshirt. I laughed at her when she freaked out, realizing she was wearing it on a day when she stopped to talk to a lot of neighbors. I said jeez, it doesn't matter. Funny that I'd say this.
My dad is just open. He was a fan of Lum, (my first sight of anything anime), the alien who wore a tiger striped bikini and tiger-striped boots with green hair. But on his tshirt, she had multi-colored hair.
He likes pirate girls or something, because he looked for one in Oregon where he had first sighted this, and then on ebay. It appears he found one. It's a little figurine/statue thingie of a pirate girl. The kind of thing you'd find in one of those little weird shops near the sea, where they sell souvenirs and dried starfish. Interesting.
So, art was the main factor. In my parent's room, they bought some stuff from the Erotic Art Show. My dad got a black and white photograph of a girl with black cat ears and black vinyl lingerie (nothing bad though), sitting looking innocent. My mom got a really really pretty piece that was airbrush.. It was closeup of two women kissing passionately, both topless. (*is laughing*) The thing is, it's so artistic it doesn't matter. Blue tones and hues, and very multicolored and silver toned and just a lovely array of colors. *makes a face*
Also, the basement of course. My dad has a smex book collection. No, not porn. Just books about it and everything.
What makes me laugh to remember is my grandma on my dad's side. She is a very strong Christian, and she wanted him to hide the books from us. He didn't, nope nope. He just let them sit down there on the shelf. My parents figured, it's okay. If they see it, they see it. It's not like there are many pictures or anything.
--
That's my family, where do I stand? I swore to myself when I was 12 that I wouldn't have smex until I was 20. That seemed like a good age.. Nice and even, independent. I didn't like the idea of no smex until marriage.. because heck.. It does hold some importance in your future years and romance, what if he was a dud!? It would ruin everything, because, though love and everything is nice, if they're terrible at that it just won't work out. You'll likely cheat on him.
As I got older I thought to myself, hm, do I really want to wait that long? By now I've decided, yes. Considering my love life equals nothing.. I figure it will take me a good five years to even meet a guy worth smexing.
What about drinking? I told mom today at the grocery store when she was getting some beer, "Zandry basically said he'd never speak to me again if I drank. It's a good motivation, I never will."
"Yeah, whatever"
That cracked me up. "What? 'yeah, whatever'.. Wonderful way to talk to your teen, Mom! 'yeah, I don't care if you drink..'" She laughs. "Well it's nice having a teen I don't have to worry about drinking!"
My older brother and I enjoyed calling my mom 'drunkard' whenever she even touched a beer or wine or anything. "I'm not drunk!!" she'd say, and we'd laugh. Of course she wasn't, we just loved to call her that. My parents are fine drunk, or half drunk, or whatever they get to. Mom is just even more giddy and dad is more sarcastic and joking. That's it. It's good.
Mom offered me wine when I was about.. 11 or 12. "want a sip?" "noooooo". I don't think I ever did say yes to that. I smelled it and said it was gross and that was that. So even then I was in 'resist all temptation!' mode. It wasn't tempting though.
---
My mom and dad never did express any 'don't have smex' message to me. She never said to be careful, she never said anything like that. All I remember her telling me was things like 'don't leave the building alone with anyone' or 'don't trust strangers' etc etc. Just general safety. But as for my choice, she didn't really tell me anything. She had trust in my judgement. My dad did seem a bit clingy in the way he was amazed to see his little girl growing up so fast. But he never had anything to say about it, or it just didn't come up.
For having such an open family, I'm extremely innocent. I've hugged a boy only once in my life (besides brothers), and that was my friend Andy when I was.. Eleven or so. Was my birthday, he stopped by with a large balloon and m&m's. It was raining that day.
Otherwise I've had no contact. I don't recall ever putting my hand on a guy's shoulder, hugging, or anything. The most I've done is tapping on the shoulder for them to pass me something.
What's funny is the first time a guy held my hand was Lex during individual sports last year, examining my finger after fencing when I asked him if it looked like it was swelling. It surprised me and I actually blushed a tad and felt a bit disconcerted, but nothing anyone would notice. I like Lex, but he's half deaf and unattractive. Even so it made me blush.
Also, I don't drink, have never done drugs, etc etc. Never even tried. I figure, I'm not going to fuck with my body!! I'm not going to get bad habits that will ruin my life, I won't break rules and I won't make a fool of myself. I'm afraid of dying, so I watch what goes into my blood and bone.. I'm not doing crap to me. I'm going to stay as healthy as possible, and won't do bad to my health besides some bad eating once in a while.
I like feeling pure and innocent as I do. Makes me feel like a good doer and less badly towards myself.. I figure, I want to be what I would admire.
So yeah. I'm balanced and in control, I like that. Now everyone knows waay too much about me, thank you. -___-...
I think I make a great Yorda too (character for Halloween). The costume's almost done, I'll post pictures for sure.
My family is very loose with smexuality (I'm calling it that for the sake of someone I hold dear, haha)... All my family.. Except my brothers.. Well, my younger brother is 11 (I called him 12 earlier, he turns 12 in December..), and my older brother is 18. My older brother is completely anti-smex, loathes girls, and lives in his dorm. He's fine with general nudity and explicitness, but for he himself, it's not his cuppa tea. My younger brother has just learned of the horror.
My mom, today, made the HUGE mistake of making a smex joke. Well, not smex itself, but mstrbtin. The three of us were at the table, I was carving my pumpkin, he was doing, I don't remember, and he told a joke. Mom told one too.
I was like "Mom! He shouldn't hear that..! He's only 12!"
"He's not 12!"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever, 11! That's even worse!"
"No it's not-! He had smex-ed!"
"Sooo! That doesn't make it any different!!!"
Carson gets this disturbed look, and says in a strangled voice "I don't know and I don't want to know".. glares at her and leaves the room.
I heard the door slam a few times. More than once to make his point. I sat alone and continued carving, pondering how to explain to Mom that wasn't a good idea. Mom goes to sew in the basement.
Later, I go downstairs and I say to her. "Mom. You know, at his age.. Telling him about smex is like saying people cut off their own hands and enjoy it." Mom's eyes widen and she gives a horrified look. "Yes, it's that bad. When I first learned about it, it was that strange and horrifying to me. So don't do that.."
"What do I do?"
"Nothing! Just don't say anything like that"
So now she's learned her lesson. And now you know how open my family is.
--
Going on about the real topic..... Here's where smex related things have appeared in my life.
At some age I asked how cats had kittens. My dad explained it to me (oh god) and I got this really weird look and said I didn't get it.. How old was I..? Six maybe? I remember every word.. o____o... *horror*
As a child I took baths with my brother, because at that age nudity doesn't mean anything.
Gramps has nude art. He used to be a commercial artist and right when you enter the house, in the little room, is his charcoal nude drawings. My grandma is disturbingly open and not at all insecure, but thank god, she spares us sight of anything we wouldn't want to see. Like.. She stays upstairs, and she was changing behind the screen, but there are three long vertical windows. She didn't bother to close the blinds. -___-;
My mom's an artist too. What does she specialize in? Etch-a-Sketch art! It's awesome. She's really skilled at it.. She does figure drawing, and does women (I've only seen her do a guy once, and it was a very old one). Bathing suit and nude.. She was in the Seattle Erotic Art Show, and she has a tshirt. I laughed at her when she freaked out, realizing she was wearing it on a day when she stopped to talk to a lot of neighbors. I said jeez, it doesn't matter. Funny that I'd say this.
My dad is just open. He was a fan of Lum, (my first sight of anything anime), the alien who wore a tiger striped bikini and tiger-striped boots with green hair. But on his tshirt, she had multi-colored hair.
He likes pirate girls or something, because he looked for one in Oregon where he had first sighted this, and then on ebay. It appears he found one. It's a little figurine/statue thingie of a pirate girl. The kind of thing you'd find in one of those little weird shops near the sea, where they sell souvenirs and dried starfish. Interesting.
So, art was the main factor. In my parent's room, they bought some stuff from the Erotic Art Show. My dad got a black and white photograph of a girl with black cat ears and black vinyl lingerie (nothing bad though), sitting looking innocent. My mom got a really really pretty piece that was airbrush.. It was closeup of two women kissing passionately, both topless. (*is laughing*) The thing is, it's so artistic it doesn't matter. Blue tones and hues, and very multicolored and silver toned and just a lovely array of colors. *makes a face*
Also, the basement of course. My dad has a smex book collection. No, not porn. Just books about it and everything.
What makes me laugh to remember is my grandma on my dad's side. She is a very strong Christian, and she wanted him to hide the books from us. He didn't, nope nope. He just let them sit down there on the shelf. My parents figured, it's okay. If they see it, they see it. It's not like there are many pictures or anything.
--
That's my family, where do I stand? I swore to myself when I was 12 that I wouldn't have smex until I was 20. That seemed like a good age.. Nice and even, independent. I didn't like the idea of no smex until marriage.. because heck.. It does hold some importance in your future years and romance, what if he was a dud!? It would ruin everything, because, though love and everything is nice, if they're terrible at that it just won't work out. You'll likely cheat on him.
As I got older I thought to myself, hm, do I really want to wait that long? By now I've decided, yes. Considering my love life equals nothing.. I figure it will take me a good five years to even meet a guy worth smexing.
What about drinking? I told mom today at the grocery store when she was getting some beer, "Zandry basically said he'd never speak to me again if I drank. It's a good motivation, I never will."
"Yeah, whatever"
That cracked me up. "What? 'yeah, whatever'.. Wonderful way to talk to your teen, Mom! 'yeah, I don't care if you drink..'" She laughs. "Well it's nice having a teen I don't have to worry about drinking!"
My older brother and I enjoyed calling my mom 'drunkard' whenever she even touched a beer or wine or anything. "I'm not drunk!!" she'd say, and we'd laugh. Of course she wasn't, we just loved to call her that. My parents are fine drunk, or half drunk, or whatever they get to. Mom is just even more giddy and dad is more sarcastic and joking. That's it. It's good.
Mom offered me wine when I was about.. 11 or 12. "want a sip?" "noooooo". I don't think I ever did say yes to that. I smelled it and said it was gross and that was that. So even then I was in 'resist all temptation!' mode. It wasn't tempting though.
---
My mom and dad never did express any 'don't have smex' message to me. She never said to be careful, she never said anything like that. All I remember her telling me was things like 'don't leave the building alone with anyone' or 'don't trust strangers' etc etc. Just general safety. But as for my choice, she didn't really tell me anything. She had trust in my judgement. My dad did seem a bit clingy in the way he was amazed to see his little girl growing up so fast. But he never had anything to say about it, or it just didn't come up.
For having such an open family, I'm extremely innocent. I've hugged a boy only once in my life (besides brothers), and that was my friend Andy when I was.. Eleven or so. Was my birthday, he stopped by with a large balloon and m&m's. It was raining that day.
Otherwise I've had no contact. I don't recall ever putting my hand on a guy's shoulder, hugging, or anything. The most I've done is tapping on the shoulder for them to pass me something.
What's funny is the first time a guy held my hand was Lex during individual sports last year, examining my finger after fencing when I asked him if it looked like it was swelling. It surprised me and I actually blushed a tad and felt a bit disconcerted, but nothing anyone would notice. I like Lex, but he's half deaf and unattractive. Even so it made me blush.
Also, I don't drink, have never done drugs, etc etc. Never even tried. I figure, I'm not going to fuck with my body!! I'm not going to get bad habits that will ruin my life, I won't break rules and I won't make a fool of myself. I'm afraid of dying, so I watch what goes into my blood and bone.. I'm not doing crap to me. I'm going to stay as healthy as possible, and won't do bad to my health besides some bad eating once in a while.
I like feeling pure and innocent as I do. Makes me feel like a good doer and less badly towards myself.. I figure, I want to be what I would admire.
So yeah. I'm balanced and in control, I like that. Now everyone knows waay too much about me, thank you. -___-...
I think I make a great Yorda too (character for Halloween). The costume's almost done, I'll post pictures for sure.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Brother Bonding
Mmhm.
We're getting a new car in ten days. Dang, exciting. A new one, that's actually nice and without a door that you have to slam and without seats that are cold in the morning and sticky in the summer.
It'll be good.
Today when I got home from school, I plunked everything on the couch, but to my mom's request, dragged it all in a mess to my room.
After getting on the computer and talking to a few, I ate dinner, yummy wok chicken, carrots, broccoli and rice. After that, my mom took a nap. I went around and wanted to take pictures of things. So I get my camera. The batteries are dead. I check for batteries. The 'charged' bin is empty. I look around. Nothing. I shake my head, wondering where they all go.
I tiptoe into my mom's room, sorry to wake her, and ask if Bartell has any batteries. She said yes, that she didn't know why it wouldn't. I say I want to go buy some, and I'll bring Carson with.
So, I call up to Carson, and he accepts. I get ready, grabbing my camera, a twenty dollar bill, and my jacket. I then remember, I still hadn't given Fern an invitation to my Halloween get-together. So I dig a invitation out of my binder, fill it out slowly, and then finally we're ready to go, after I double check my money and that I have my key.
I lock the door behind us. It's a cool day, so he wears a winter coat and I wear my silver-y white ornate silk jacket. We walk down the street and Carson tells me about jokes and whatnot, and I grin. We walk down a hill and I feel happy, because I feel that whenever the people walking or driving by see us, they see an older sister with dark brown hair and a younger brother with blonde hair who are quite close. And I have to say, Carson cheerfully hopping and talking with me is cute. He's 12.
I adapt to his joking attitude and mimic as I tend to. Depending on who I'm with, I always act a bit different. With Carson I grin openly and chuckle, and exclaim things in a funny voice jokingly. "oh no! I've fallen and can't right myself!" sort of thing. Sarcasm and talk of games like Mario Party 5.
I keep my eye on the road we're following (one large road, two lanes, that goes up the hill past my house), looking for Fern's house. Her house is obvious, because it's right next to a dry cleaners, oddly. She lives so close to Roosevelt High School that it's amazing. Too bad it's being remodeled right now.
I'm amazed when I see her head bob over the parked car (she's quite quite short..!). She has her brown hair in braids and is wearing a black backpack. "It's Fern!" I exclaim to Carson. "Where??" "Right over there!" "Let's hurry then!" Carson breaks into a run. We run down the sidewalk and then as the cars are stopped, weave through and continue running. She's just starting up the steps when I call "Feeeern..!", waving my arms to get her attention. She's slightly surprised but it's not obvious. I hand her the envelope. "It's an invitation to my Halloween party thing" I say to her. "Ah, why thank you" she says, and I swear she's faking some sort of accent. I grin. "I'll see you later!" I wave and run off back to the main road, with Carson trailing behind me.
We got forward and I watch an odd looking couple. Dressed grungy, his arm around her shoulder, and I watch the guy as he spits on the sidewalk and lifts his cigarette back to his lips. Not a bad looking guy though what would be first assumed, his clothes scream grunge but not his face.
As we wait for the light to change, Carson leans his head on my shoulder and makes a happy sound in the cute way you'd think a cat would, and I laugh.
We walk up the stairs and past the parking lot, and wander into Bartell. "Can I buy a toy?" Carson asks me, and I say maybe. "Depends how much the batteries cost" "Well you do have twenty dollars!" "ah, so you're right. But you never know"
"Toooooo the battery section!" I exclaim, pointing my arm towards the wall of batteries.
The rechargeable batteries are ridiculously expensive- a pack of FOUR for 14 dollars. I had to ask the guy who was hanging up batteries, because there was no price listed. "14.95, that's expensive" he says to me, handing them back. I nod, walking back, and think of an alternative. 'Screw rechargeables. I'll get normal.' I think to myself. I walk down the aisle to where I saw more batteries.
"Tanya..!" I hear Carson's voice. "Where are you?" I ask, looking over the aisles. "Here!" I look again. "Here!" I mimic. "No, here!" "Here!" He hops and I see his blonde hair emerge two aisles away. "Come here!" I say to him. "No, come here!" I laugh and keep walking towards the batteries. Seeing them, Carson emerges from the aisle. "I'll be in the candy section" "Okay.."
I look over the batteries. Normal ones, a loot cheaper. I get a pack of eight or so from the rack.
I go over to Carson, and bring him to the toy section. He chooses a plastic pop gun. On the way to checkout, we see a chocolate-orange, so we buy one of those. I go the the cash register, and it all totals to about 13 bucks. I give her the twenty, she says to have a good day as always. In the other aisle I see an old lady who wants her check back, or something, because she changed her mind and wants to pay with money. This seems to be causing much trouble, as there are many employees hovering in that area, trying to figure out how.
We walk outside. I say to Carson, "Let's smash it against something!!!", referring to the chocolate-orange. One thing, chocolate-oranges are an orange sized chocolate that looks very much like an orange. You whack it against something to split the pieces apart, and it opens perfectly to see the little slices.
I jog over near the movie rental place, near Starbucks. I go near the stairway and whack it hard against part of the wall that separates stairway from ground. I hand the orange to Carson, and say it's his turn. He whacks it in a similar place. It makes an audible cracking sound, so I say "wasn't that a bit hard..?' but he says no, and when he opens it, he's right, it's fine. We each have a piece. We put batteries in my camera.
At this time, it starts to rain. "Oh crap!" I say. I take some pictures of Carson, then put the camera under my coat and tell him to run. We run under the covered area and down towards the escalator.. And then near Whole Foods, which we enter briefly to ponder how to make it. I don't wanna ruin my coat. We run from tree to tree, and then cross the street. I challenge him to a race. We run a ways, and then up the hill. When at the top I unlock the door, and we sit down.
Fun.
We're getting a new car in ten days. Dang, exciting. A new one, that's actually nice and without a door that you have to slam and without seats that are cold in the morning and sticky in the summer.
It'll be good.
Today when I got home from school, I plunked everything on the couch, but to my mom's request, dragged it all in a mess to my room.
After getting on the computer and talking to a few, I ate dinner, yummy wok chicken, carrots, broccoli and rice. After that, my mom took a nap. I went around and wanted to take pictures of things. So I get my camera. The batteries are dead. I check for batteries. The 'charged' bin is empty. I look around. Nothing. I shake my head, wondering where they all go.
I tiptoe into my mom's room, sorry to wake her, and ask if Bartell has any batteries. She said yes, that she didn't know why it wouldn't. I say I want to go buy some, and I'll bring Carson with.
So, I call up to Carson, and he accepts. I get ready, grabbing my camera, a twenty dollar bill, and my jacket. I then remember, I still hadn't given Fern an invitation to my Halloween get-together. So I dig a invitation out of my binder, fill it out slowly, and then finally we're ready to go, after I double check my money and that I have my key.
I lock the door behind us. It's a cool day, so he wears a winter coat and I wear my silver-y white ornate silk jacket. We walk down the street and Carson tells me about jokes and whatnot, and I grin. We walk down a hill and I feel happy, because I feel that whenever the people walking or driving by see us, they see an older sister with dark brown hair and a younger brother with blonde hair who are quite close. And I have to say, Carson cheerfully hopping and talking with me is cute. He's 12.
I adapt to his joking attitude and mimic as I tend to. Depending on who I'm with, I always act a bit different. With Carson I grin openly and chuckle, and exclaim things in a funny voice jokingly. "oh no! I've fallen and can't right myself!" sort of thing. Sarcasm and talk of games like Mario Party 5.
I keep my eye on the road we're following (one large road, two lanes, that goes up the hill past my house), looking for Fern's house. Her house is obvious, because it's right next to a dry cleaners, oddly. She lives so close to Roosevelt High School that it's amazing. Too bad it's being remodeled right now.
I'm amazed when I see her head bob over the parked car (she's quite quite short..!). She has her brown hair in braids and is wearing a black backpack. "It's Fern!" I exclaim to Carson. "Where??" "Right over there!" "Let's hurry then!" Carson breaks into a run. We run down the sidewalk and then as the cars are stopped, weave through and continue running. She's just starting up the steps when I call "Feeeern..!", waving my arms to get her attention. She's slightly surprised but it's not obvious. I hand her the envelope. "It's an invitation to my Halloween party thing" I say to her. "Ah, why thank you" she says, and I swear she's faking some sort of accent. I grin. "I'll see you later!" I wave and run off back to the main road, with Carson trailing behind me.
We got forward and I watch an odd looking couple. Dressed grungy, his arm around her shoulder, and I watch the guy as he spits on the sidewalk and lifts his cigarette back to his lips. Not a bad looking guy though what would be first assumed, his clothes scream grunge but not his face.
As we wait for the light to change, Carson leans his head on my shoulder and makes a happy sound in the cute way you'd think a cat would, and I laugh.
We walk up the stairs and past the parking lot, and wander into Bartell. "Can I buy a toy?" Carson asks me, and I say maybe. "Depends how much the batteries cost" "Well you do have twenty dollars!" "ah, so you're right. But you never know"
"Toooooo the battery section!" I exclaim, pointing my arm towards the wall of batteries.
The rechargeable batteries are ridiculously expensive- a pack of FOUR for 14 dollars. I had to ask the guy who was hanging up batteries, because there was no price listed. "14.95, that's expensive" he says to me, handing them back. I nod, walking back, and think of an alternative. 'Screw rechargeables. I'll get normal.' I think to myself. I walk down the aisle to where I saw more batteries.
"Tanya..!" I hear Carson's voice. "Where are you?" I ask, looking over the aisles. "Here!" I look again. "Here!" I mimic. "No, here!" "Here!" He hops and I see his blonde hair emerge two aisles away. "Come here!" I say to him. "No, come here!" I laugh and keep walking towards the batteries. Seeing them, Carson emerges from the aisle. "I'll be in the candy section" "Okay.."
I look over the batteries. Normal ones, a loot cheaper. I get a pack of eight or so from the rack.
I go over to Carson, and bring him to the toy section. He chooses a plastic pop gun. On the way to checkout, we see a chocolate-orange, so we buy one of those. I go the the cash register, and it all totals to about 13 bucks. I give her the twenty, she says to have a good day as always. In the other aisle I see an old lady who wants her check back, or something, because she changed her mind and wants to pay with money. This seems to be causing much trouble, as there are many employees hovering in that area, trying to figure out how.
We walk outside. I say to Carson, "Let's smash it against something!!!", referring to the chocolate-orange. One thing, chocolate-oranges are an orange sized chocolate that looks very much like an orange. You whack it against something to split the pieces apart, and it opens perfectly to see the little slices.
I jog over near the movie rental place, near Starbucks. I go near the stairway and whack it hard against part of the wall that separates stairway from ground. I hand the orange to Carson, and say it's his turn. He whacks it in a similar place. It makes an audible cracking sound, so I say "wasn't that a bit hard..?' but he says no, and when he opens it, he's right, it's fine. We each have a piece. We put batteries in my camera.
At this time, it starts to rain. "Oh crap!" I say. I take some pictures of Carson, then put the camera under my coat and tell him to run. We run under the covered area and down towards the escalator.. And then near Whole Foods, which we enter briefly to ponder how to make it. I don't wanna ruin my coat. We run from tree to tree, and then cross the street. I challenge him to a race. We run a ways, and then up the hill. When at the top I unlock the door, and we sit down.
Fun.
Holy F*cking Shit
Holy.. ........
Now this.. Is... So sad.
You know that mental breakdown I just had? The sobbing, the crying, the tearing out my hair, the hating.. That. Was all. False.
FALSE.
FALSE ALARM.
Guess what? Zandry, he didn't witness one bit of that. I was talking.. to myself. He wasn't there. He doesn't hate me. And irony.
Yahoo was being crap both times on his side. I read his journal and asked if he hated me. At that moment, his yahoo didn't work anymore. So he says nothing, I freak out, assume he hates me, and don't talk to him. He says the next day, I don't hate you. Signs out. Middle of the night, he goes on again. I talk to him. He says nothing. Well guess what..? His yahoo was down again. So both times I talk to him asking if he hates me, he cannot hear me nor respond.
You know what? I think god really is trying to kill me. God, fate, whatever. Fate. Jeezus effin christ, I wonder what point it's trying to make. Screwing me over, and over, and over.
I was crying for half an hour, missed a day of school, and was mentally scarred to hate myself.
OVER NOTHING.
Holy f-cking shit...!
Hahhaha. I was wondering why Zandry suddenly turned into an arse.
Now this.. Is... So sad.
You know that mental breakdown I just had? The sobbing, the crying, the tearing out my hair, the hating.. That. Was all. False.
FALSE.
FALSE ALARM.
Guess what? Zandry, he didn't witness one bit of that. I was talking.. to myself. He wasn't there. He doesn't hate me. And irony.
Yahoo was being crap both times on his side. I read his journal and asked if he hated me. At that moment, his yahoo didn't work anymore. So he says nothing, I freak out, assume he hates me, and don't talk to him. He says the next day, I don't hate you. Signs out. Middle of the night, he goes on again. I talk to him. He says nothing. Well guess what..? His yahoo was down again. So both times I talk to him asking if he hates me, he cannot hear me nor respond.
You know what? I think god really is trying to kill me. God, fate, whatever. Fate. Jeezus effin christ, I wonder what point it's trying to make. Screwing me over, and over, and over.
I was crying for half an hour, missed a day of school, and was mentally scarred to hate myself.
OVER NOTHING.
Holy f-cking shit...!
Hahhaha. I was wondering why Zandry suddenly turned into an arse.
Woot
You are O-renshi, the Yakuza Crime lord who works
for Bill and helped destroy "The
Brides" wedding and almost kill her.
Which Kill Bill Character are you: Volume 1
brought to you by Quizilla
You are green. Perhaps one of the most balanced of
all the colors. By balanced, I mean balanced
in both bad and good parts. Let me elaborate:
You're a natural, and somewhat superficial
person. You're extremely generous, but, to add
to the confusion, you're frugal and stingy.
You're a forgiving, but jealous person. You're
imaginative, but still logical. At sometimes,
you're a complete neat-freak, and other times,
you're a total slob. You're very stable, but
undependable. But onto the other traits that
are associated with this color... You're a
stubborn person, simply put. Do you believe in
Feng Shui? Green is closely related to the
thought of having a balanced environment, you
know. When in a bad situation, you're
painfully pessimistic, and when you're in a
good situation, you're extremely optimistic. A
fairly outgoing and amused person, you enjoy
talking to people, and hearing their thoughts
on different things. As a plus, when people
hang around you, it seems like time passes by
all the more quickly.
What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, October 27, 2005
G5. What Pops Up? Confession
Same as below, except on the computer I actually use daily. The first thing to pop up in the address thingie (bar?) when I type in each letter of the alphabet.
--
A- alone-am-i.deviantart.com/
B- blogpatrol.com/
C- cancer.deviantart.com/favourites/
D- deviantart.com/submit/
E- ebay.com/
F- forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/
G- grouphug.us/moderation.moderatepublic?value=y
H- http://h16.deviantart.com/
I- ironicmoodswing.deviantart.com/
J- jadedmandarin.deviantart.com/
K- keeping-no-secrets.blogspot.com/
L- livejournal.com/users/normallife/
M- my.deviantart.com/messages/
N- nanami-yuki.deviantart.com/gallery/
O- ocremix.org/
P- pandect.keenspace.com/
Q- quiescence.blogsome.com/category/cosplay/
R- retracing-steps.deviantart.com/
S- seattleschools.org/area/main/calendar.dxml
T- today.deviantart.com/features/
U- ubergeek.tv/
V- (none)
W- woot.com/
X- xanga-master.deviantart.com/gallery/
Y- yaamas.deviantart.com/gallery/
Z- zippedspark.deviantart.com/
--
A- alone-am-i.deviantart.com/
B- blogpatrol.com/
C- cancer.deviantart.com/favourites/
D- deviantart.com/submit/
E- ebay.com/
F- forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/
G- grouphug.us/moderation.moderatepublic?value=y
H- http://h16.deviantart.com/
I- ironicmoodswing.deviantart.com/
J- jadedmandarin.deviantart.com/
K- keeping-no-secrets.blogspot.com/
L- livejournal.com/users/normallife/
M- my.deviantart.com/messages/
N- nanami-yuki.deviantart.com/gallery/
O- ocremix.org/
P- pandect.keenspace.com/
Q- quiescence.blogsome.com/category/cosplay/
R- retracing-steps.deviantart.com/
S- seattleschools.org/area/main/calendar.dxml
T- today.deviantart.com/features/
U- ubergeek.tv/
V- (none)
W- woot.com/
X- xanga-master.deviantart.com/gallery/
Y- yaamas.deviantart.com/gallery/
Z- zippedspark.deviantart.com/
All A's Are Loong Gone
Heyo. Shiit, I have a three page paper to write and it's 11:14! I'm tempted to not do it.. er.. no, that'd be so so so bad.
TOMORROW'S FRIDAY TANYA! YOU CAN SUFFER ALL NIGHT AND ALL DAY, BUT JUST DO IT GODDAMNIT!
I got a lovely message in sixth period today.
A note.
"Hello. blah blah blah blah. By now you should have received your five week progress report, and we noted, you have two or more N or D grades in your classes."
SHIT!
WHAT THE HELL?
Hey, Elizabeth. You remember, I get all A's every year? Apparently I have two N's or something..? What the heck is with that..!?
Well, worried as hell, I checked 'the source', which is an online grade report for parents. The dumb fucks were wrong, I have ONE N, thank you. I have an N in Japanese, and the rest are B's and A's.. Which is a relief. I can't handle failing two classes at once, gotta work on my Japanese.
You have to understand, I have a major disadvantage in Japanese this year. I never took Japanese in middle school, therefore I had one year, in high school. Last year, our teacher didn't teach us any Katakana. I'm a sophomore.. This is my second year of Japanese. Therefore, half the class are freshmen, because they took Japanese in middle school. THEY were taught Katakana. I wasn't. So I had a test just a few days ago on something I'd never studied (an entire alphabet, written) that I'd never done nor read. With about three days to study for it. So yeah.. Compared to these guys who've studied it a long while and mastered it, just a bit flakey, I was doing something completely new.
And also, I was absent three days in a row. That really didn't help. And I suck at Kanji (ANOTHER alphabet)
That's why I have an F in at least two or three of my test scores.
But the girl next to me got the same scores for nearly all her tests, so I feel a bit better. It was really funny, we missed the same things, had the same number. No, she wasn't copying me.
So I'm working on that.. *sigh*
I did get an B and then an A on the last two tests.. SO, I should be above an N soon enough. Damn, how much doooes this class weigh on tests? We have nearly no homework, so I'm screwed-ish.
Oh. 50% of your grade is tests. GREEAT.
I'm terrible at studying and I blank out during tests. .. It's terrible.
So.. I stayed after school today, went over the days of week in both hiragana and kanji, the 50 or so new words we got on a list, and how to write numbers in kanji.
Jeezus.
I'll probably do that more often, just to see if it saves my grade.
I hoope... jeez.. *sigh*
The two teetering classes are Math and Japanese. Japanese because the tests, Math because of my laziness and the tedious homework assignments. Good thing she takes it late.
Ugh.. I hate papers. So much to worry about.. I hate knowing that someone will be reading my crap soon. I'd jump right in if I knew it didn't matter how I write it, as no one reads it, but four of my table-mates will be reading it, which is like.. ugh.
Makes me feel more like not doing it. Bleeh.
God. I better get started. Ugh.
TOMORROW'S FRIDAY TANYA! YOU CAN SUFFER ALL NIGHT AND ALL DAY, BUT JUST DO IT GODDAMNIT!
I got a lovely message in sixth period today.
A note.
"Hello. blah blah blah blah. By now you should have received your five week progress report, and we noted, you have two or more N or D grades in your classes."
SHIT!
WHAT THE HELL?
Hey, Elizabeth. You remember, I get all A's every year? Apparently I have two N's or something..? What the heck is with that..!?
Well, worried as hell, I checked 'the source', which is an online grade report for parents. The dumb fucks were wrong, I have ONE N, thank you. I have an N in Japanese, and the rest are B's and A's.. Which is a relief. I can't handle failing two classes at once, gotta work on my Japanese.
You have to understand, I have a major disadvantage in Japanese this year. I never took Japanese in middle school, therefore I had one year, in high school. Last year, our teacher didn't teach us any Katakana. I'm a sophomore.. This is my second year of Japanese. Therefore, half the class are freshmen, because they took Japanese in middle school. THEY were taught Katakana. I wasn't. So I had a test just a few days ago on something I'd never studied (an entire alphabet, written) that I'd never done nor read. With about three days to study for it. So yeah.. Compared to these guys who've studied it a long while and mastered it, just a bit flakey, I was doing something completely new.
And also, I was absent three days in a row. That really didn't help. And I suck at Kanji (ANOTHER alphabet)
That's why I have an F in at least two or three of my test scores.
But the girl next to me got the same scores for nearly all her tests, so I feel a bit better. It was really funny, we missed the same things, had the same number. No, she wasn't copying me.
So I'm working on that.. *sigh*
I did get an B and then an A on the last two tests.. SO, I should be above an N soon enough. Damn, how much doooes this class weigh on tests? We have nearly no homework, so I'm screwed-ish.
Oh. 50% of your grade is tests. GREEAT.
I'm terrible at studying and I blank out during tests. .. It's terrible.
So.. I stayed after school today, went over the days of week in both hiragana and kanji, the 50 or so new words we got on a list, and how to write numbers in kanji.
Jeezus.
I'll probably do that more often, just to see if it saves my grade.
I hoope... jeez.. *sigh*
The two teetering classes are Math and Japanese. Japanese because the tests, Math because of my laziness and the tedious homework assignments. Good thing she takes it late.
Ugh.. I hate papers. So much to worry about.. I hate knowing that someone will be reading my crap soon. I'd jump right in if I knew it didn't matter how I write it, as no one reads it, but four of my table-mates will be reading it, which is like.. ugh.
Makes me feel more like not doing it. Bleeh.
God. I better get started. Ugh.
G4. What Shall Pop Up..? Confession
I'm going to type into the address.. .. thingie.. and do every letter of the alphabet one by one, to see the first site it remembers.
Ready, go.
A- alone-am-i.deviantart.com
B- blogpatrol.com/login.php
C- calisthian.deviantart.com/
D- deviantart.com/users/login
E- ebay.com/
F- forum.deviantart.com/community/life/516921/ (Hahahha!! No worries, just caught my eye today)
G- glitterstar50.deviantart.com/
H- harmanmultimedia.com/ (I never go there, I must not have an H)
I- ign.com/
J- Jimglidewell.dyndns.org:8080/~tanya/iBlog/ (404! :D)
K- kazzer-doom.deviantart.com/
L- livepage.apple.com/
M- my.deviantart.com/messages/
N- narutopix.littlecooldude.com/ (gone?)
O- outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html
P- photobucket.com/
Q- (none)
R- ramblingsofadreamer.blogspot.com/ (what did you expect?)
S- selus.deviantart.com/
T- today.deviantart.com/
U- (none)
V- (none)
W- (none)
X- (none)
Y- (none)
Z- (none)
I rarely use this computer. So next time I'll check the other and do another like this.
Ready, go.
A- alone-am-i.deviantart.com
B- blogpatrol.com/login.php
C- calisthian.deviantart.com/
D- deviantart.com/users/login
E- ebay.com/
F- forum.deviantart.com/community/life/516921/ (Hahahha!! No worries, just caught my eye today)
G- glitterstar50.deviantart.com/
H- harmanmultimedia.com/ (I never go there, I must not have an H)
I- ign.com/
J- Jimglidewell.dyndns.org:8080/~tanya/iBlog/ (404! :D)
K- kazzer-doom.deviantart.com/
L- livepage.apple.com/
M- my.deviantart.com/messages/
N- narutopix.littlecooldude.com/ (gone?)
O- outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html
P- photobucket.com/
Q- (none)
R- ramblingsofadreamer.blogspot.com/ (what did you expect?)
S- selus.deviantart.com/
T- today.deviantart.com/
U- (none)
V- (none)
W- (none)
X- (none)
Y- (none)
Z- (none)
I rarely use this computer. So next time I'll check the other and do another like this.
Tanya..
..isn't taking this very well.
PSSHHH.. Who was I kidding. It's not like I'm going to find my magic awesome sweet patient hot guy far away in distant country (such as Canada) and have it actually work. Indeed. Sheesh. Too bad it was close. Clooose. Cloooooooose. Well, to me it almost seemed that way.
Not fun thinking on it. Just lost what would be the first hand to hold and first glued on smile that would lat a whole day. *shakes head* Pity... *sigh*
I HAVEN'T EATING ANYTHING YET DAMN IT! .... ... EATEN. I meant EATEN.
That's why my mind is being negative. Also seeing him online on DA. Why do I check T__T..
AND IT'S DARK. THE ROOM IS DARK AND THE SCREEN HURTS MY EFFIN EYES!
And three page paper. Uwah. Anyway..
Pizza. I must have pizza. And pop, because it's Thuuuuuuursday. Oh yeah, I mastered the day kanji, and the number kanji, I rock.
PSSHHH.. Who was I kidding. It's not like I'm going to find my magic awesome sweet patient hot guy far away in distant country (such as Canada) and have it actually work. Indeed. Sheesh. Too bad it was close. Clooose. Cloooooooose. Well, to me it almost seemed that way.
Not fun thinking on it. Just lost what would be the first hand to hold and first glued on smile that would lat a whole day. *shakes head* Pity... *sigh*
I HAVEN'T EATING ANYTHING YET DAMN IT! .... ... EATEN. I meant EATEN.
That's why my mind is being negative. Also seeing him online on DA. Why do I check T__T..
AND IT'S DARK. THE ROOM IS DARK AND THE SCREEN HURTS MY EFFIN EYES!
And three page paper. Uwah. Anyway..
Pizza. I must have pizza. And pop, because it's Thuuuuuuursday. Oh yeah, I mastered the day kanji, and the number kanji, I rock.
Zoop, Zoop di Doop
I'm so tired.. It's not nice. I have a three page paper to do and math homework and US history and all that stuff.. Japanese test too.
We ran for the second day in a row. Usually the weight training class runs twice a week, but this time, because of the odd schedule on Tuesday, we ran Wednesday and Thursday. Gosh.. First day we ran to Gasworks Park -
(That picture's from http://www.astro.washington.edu/jillian/pix/.. I have my own, but I can't get at them right now)
That's from on the way to the top of the hill. We run all the way from my school to there, and up the hill. Yesterday he decided we'd run and also do our weight training afterwards.. Jeesh..! I tried my first benchpress. =P
The next day, we run around the outskirts of Green Lake. We don't run by the lake itself, but the path near the outside road. We run all the way from Lincoln High to near the playground.
(http://www.speakeasy.org/~boba/grnlkpth.html)
So yeah, I'm really really tired. But I can't sleep. Too late for that. Pity.
I'm sure getting exercise.. T__T... Aahh.
We ran for the second day in a row. Usually the weight training class runs twice a week, but this time, because of the odd schedule on Tuesday, we ran Wednesday and Thursday. Gosh.. First day we ran to Gasworks Park -
(That picture's from http://www.astro.washington.edu/jillian/pix/.. I have my own, but I can't get at them right now)
That's from on the way to the top of the hill. We run all the way from my school to there, and up the hill. Yesterday he decided we'd run and also do our weight training afterwards.. Jeesh..! I tried my first benchpress. =P
The next day, we run around the outskirts of Green Lake. We don't run by the lake itself, but the path near the outside road. We run all the way from Lincoln High to near the playground.
(http://www.speakeasy.org/~boba/grnlkpth.html)
So yeah, I'm really really tired. But I can't sleep. Too late for that. Pity.
I'm sure getting exercise.. T__T... Aahh.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
So I'm noot going to talk to him
LOL Right
hey. I'm not kidding. i wish to strangle him for pissing me off and making me have a mental breakdown in the middle of a bad week.. *stangles him* 'for every minute I cried you get a minute of no air!'
Be careful, that's a lot of minutes...he might die XD
hahha
LOL Right
hey. I'm not kidding. i wish to strangle him for pissing me off and making me have a mental breakdown in the middle of a bad week.. *stangles him* 'for every minute I cried you get a minute of no air!'
Be careful, that's a lot of minutes...he might die XD
hahha
445
That's this post. Post number 445... In celebration, I'm going to talk. And talk. Of exactly what's on my mind. No hesitation, no holding back. I pray I won't regret this. Well. No going back now.
Sitting drinking my chocolate milk. Where to start. I look to DA as I do every other hour. In hopes of anything from anyone that'll open my eyes to how big and beautiful the world can be. Or at least something to clear the haze that lies around what I should be doing with my desolate blank slate of a life. My face suffers consequence of my nervous hands, but for once I can keep them away from my face, as I've been too busy crying to tear at it.
I check how long he's been away. 25 minutes, this time. I think of him looking. He doesn't ignore me, as Michael did. Michael made the choice to force me out of it in a way, and we had to strictly separate from each other. My self control was even lesser than it is now. And as Weston said, I have no self control. It must have been in the negatives. I pity those who stick around long enough to feel the pain I'll drag them through.
I do admit, I did some things that would make people fear for me. Such as playing with knives. Shining them to the light, taking pictures, posing in what one could call suicidal. I have knives in my room. It's not such a good thing, too bad I couldn't mail them out to Canada with the Jelly Belly's I can't stomach. One of the knives is very small, and is a necklace, A small thin samurai style knife, delicate.. Nearly a letter opener. My mom didn't like this knife as much, as it looked much like the perfect knife to slice your wrists with. I agreed, it was a bit disturbing.. Just unsheathe the little thing and you get yourself some fresh scars. But I don't do that sort of thing. Pain isn't my cuppa tea. I experience enough mental pain, I don't need to experience it physically too. That knife I've let alone.
My other knife is pretty neat. Classic and clean, a dagger I suppose? It has a plain light wood handle and the cool pointed, not rounded, shape. Not like a knife in the kitchen, the classic triangle shape. Tested the tip, quite sharp, it snagged my clothes.
So, at my low point, I used these knives to my amusement, attempting to express the hopeless feeling I was getting. I felt sickly like one of those girls who's an attention whore and posts on the internet piteous pictures of blood covered slashed wrists and suicidal photographs.. So, I keep these to myself and myself only. I feel wary holding a knife to my neck, careful of the sharp edge and the dangerous point. And what could express better but holding it to your heart? Sometimes I feel the strong urge to cut my heart out of my body so I won't have to hurt there anymore. Course only symbolic, I can't remove pain with a knife. Knives are things that cause pain, or, if you were thinking suicide, 'take them away', but that's a sucky thing to do. And you must consider how long you'd lie there breathing feeling your real heart pumping and spewing blood all into your body and hurting like fuck.. Well, I'm not going to ever do that, let alone suicide. It's silly. I'm no seppiku samurai.
I nearly got caught with my knife by my own dearest mother, which was fairly.. Awkward. I cursed myself for not locking my door. But she knocked, I shove it under my covers, as well as my still turned on camera. She, of course, sits on my bed, lucky for me I placed the knife on my right, but still I got the icky feeling she'd decide to lay down next to me, so I shoo her away a bit till she leaves me to change into pajamas and get ready for bed.. Imagine her horror to see me with a knife. She'd really really not be happy.
I'm past the 'pretending to be suicidal' point, and more moving on to the sobbing stage. Or, I was. Well wait, talking about sobbing is making my eyes pool up, so I'm not quite out of it.
I asked Michael why everyone hates me.. If you forget who Michael is, he's the first guy I loved. It's been a while since I've tried talking to him. He says nothing, of course. I ask him if it's the clinginess, mentioning, even those who say they don't mind it seem to hate me, so it's bothering me. He says, 'If they say they don't mind the clinginess they're lying :)' and I shake my head and laugh. I say I'm screwed, because it's a part of me. He says, oh well.
He mentions that he's thinking of stopping by Seattle.. Which isn't a very good thing. Another tourist place, the Space Needle. I'm hoping he goes with Ariel, because if I see him, I gotta see her (Ariel is his girlfriend). She's sweet, and it'd be fun to see a cute couple. Both are pretty, so a good combination, haha. Anyway, I don't want to meet him alone. God, awkward, I mean really.. I guess I'd be okay, but goodness. A bit much.
I hate to end this here. I really wanted to touch base with all that's in my head. Sadly, I'll save it for later. For my mom is near breaking on me for staying up till 1 AM on a school night.. Is it my fault I can't sleep?
Sitting drinking my chocolate milk. Where to start. I look to DA as I do every other hour. In hopes of anything from anyone that'll open my eyes to how big and beautiful the world can be. Or at least something to clear the haze that lies around what I should be doing with my desolate blank slate of a life. My face suffers consequence of my nervous hands, but for once I can keep them away from my face, as I've been too busy crying to tear at it.
I check how long he's been away. 25 minutes, this time. I think of him looking. He doesn't ignore me, as Michael did. Michael made the choice to force me out of it in a way, and we had to strictly separate from each other. My self control was even lesser than it is now. And as Weston said, I have no self control. It must have been in the negatives. I pity those who stick around long enough to feel the pain I'll drag them through.
I do admit, I did some things that would make people fear for me. Such as playing with knives. Shining them to the light, taking pictures, posing in what one could call suicidal. I have knives in my room. It's not such a good thing, too bad I couldn't mail them out to Canada with the Jelly Belly's I can't stomach. One of the knives is very small, and is a necklace, A small thin samurai style knife, delicate.. Nearly a letter opener. My mom didn't like this knife as much, as it looked much like the perfect knife to slice your wrists with. I agreed, it was a bit disturbing.. Just unsheathe the little thing and you get yourself some fresh scars. But I don't do that sort of thing. Pain isn't my cuppa tea. I experience enough mental pain, I don't need to experience it physically too. That knife I've let alone.
My other knife is pretty neat. Classic and clean, a dagger I suppose? It has a plain light wood handle and the cool pointed, not rounded, shape. Not like a knife in the kitchen, the classic triangle shape. Tested the tip, quite sharp, it snagged my clothes.
So, at my low point, I used these knives to my amusement, attempting to express the hopeless feeling I was getting. I felt sickly like one of those girls who's an attention whore and posts on the internet piteous pictures of blood covered slashed wrists and suicidal photographs.. So, I keep these to myself and myself only. I feel wary holding a knife to my neck, careful of the sharp edge and the dangerous point. And what could express better but holding it to your heart? Sometimes I feel the strong urge to cut my heart out of my body so I won't have to hurt there anymore. Course only symbolic, I can't remove pain with a knife. Knives are things that cause pain, or, if you were thinking suicide, 'take them away', but that's a sucky thing to do. And you must consider how long you'd lie there breathing feeling your real heart pumping and spewing blood all into your body and hurting like fuck.. Well, I'm not going to ever do that, let alone suicide. It's silly. I'm no seppiku samurai.
I nearly got caught with my knife by my own dearest mother, which was fairly.. Awkward. I cursed myself for not locking my door. But she knocked, I shove it under my covers, as well as my still turned on camera. She, of course, sits on my bed, lucky for me I placed the knife on my right, but still I got the icky feeling she'd decide to lay down next to me, so I shoo her away a bit till she leaves me to change into pajamas and get ready for bed.. Imagine her horror to see me with a knife. She'd really really not be happy.
I'm past the 'pretending to be suicidal' point, and more moving on to the sobbing stage. Or, I was. Well wait, talking about sobbing is making my eyes pool up, so I'm not quite out of it.
I asked Michael why everyone hates me.. If you forget who Michael is, he's the first guy I loved. It's been a while since I've tried talking to him. He says nothing, of course. I ask him if it's the clinginess, mentioning, even those who say they don't mind it seem to hate me, so it's bothering me. He says, 'If they say they don't mind the clinginess they're lying :)' and I shake my head and laugh. I say I'm screwed, because it's a part of me. He says, oh well.
He mentions that he's thinking of stopping by Seattle.. Which isn't a very good thing. Another tourist place, the Space Needle. I'm hoping he goes with Ariel, because if I see him, I gotta see her (Ariel is his girlfriend). She's sweet, and it'd be fun to see a cute couple. Both are pretty, so a good combination, haha. Anyway, I don't want to meet him alone. God, awkward, I mean really.. I guess I'd be okay, but goodness. A bit much.
I hate to end this here. I really wanted to touch base with all that's in my head. Sadly, I'll save it for later. For my mom is near breaking on me for staying up till 1 AM on a school night.. Is it my fault I can't sleep?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Chuckling of Flaming Gays
I'm cracking up. Anyway, I was just looking up.. Pete Burns. It makes me laugh. He's so incredibly flaming gay. It's hilarious.
Don't you guys remember, the song.. "You spin me right round, baby, right round.. Like a record, baby, right round round round..".. ? And the song that went "That's the way, uhuh uhuh, I like it..!" hahhaa. The classics.
His music videos.. I remember one of them taped off the TV that we still have from the 80's.. It's sooo funny. His hair.. :D The eye patch.. haha. Neat.
He's the drag queen of drag queens in music. Bwahaha. .... ... Waait a second. Why are drag queens turning into a reoccurring theme...? Oh, because they're hilarious and awesome. I wish I saw more. They have such guts.
--
Lookie..!
It was fun observing the transformation.
Guyish.
A little off..
Viola.
Funny..!
All those pictures were from 'The Right Stuff', www.deadoralive.net. I read up on the copyright stuff and it said you could use a few as long as you sited sources, so good. He won't come to hunt me down or something. T__T
Ya. Just bored. Hehe.
Don't you guys remember, the song.. "You spin me right round, baby, right round.. Like a record, baby, right round round round..".. ? And the song that went "That's the way, uhuh uhuh, I like it..!" hahhaa. The classics.
His music videos.. I remember one of them taped off the TV that we still have from the 80's.. It's sooo funny. His hair.. :D The eye patch.. haha. Neat.
He's the drag queen of drag queens in music. Bwahaha. .... ... Waait a second. Why are drag queens turning into a reoccurring theme...? Oh, because they're hilarious and awesome. I wish I saw more. They have such guts.
--
Lookie..!
It was fun observing the transformation.
Guyish.
A little off..
Viola.
Funny..!
All those pictures were from 'The Right Stuff', www.deadoralive.net. I read up on the copyright stuff and it said you could use a few as long as you sited sources, so good. He won't come to hunt me down or something. T__T
Ya. Just bored. Hehe.
Idiot
If I say anything more, I'll feel more stupid than I'm trying to convince myself I'm not.
Why you had to do all that on that specific day, I question.
I mustn't blame anyone but myself though.
"I used to always read his poetry, and think it was for me. And believe it was a message. I'm a fool that way. I make up stories and I get so tangled up in it, I believe it's real."
Must I feel any more pain, this week?
I felt hopelessly alone and like all my friends didn't care. Why is it all shattering me.. now?
Maybe realization. Another hurt. Another impossibility. How could I not assume that with such words you didn't hate me. All I do is get in your way and piss you off, again and again. And your lovely journal entry didn't say much more to me but 'hate'.
You really think I can read that and keep my head straight.....
I'm such a fucking mess right now. I.. Feel. really stupid. Always. I hate it.
You know why I don't cry in front of people? Because every time I cry about one thing, I cry about a confusion the next, and find out it's wrong.
What the fuck do I say, huh?
"I HAVE NO FRIENDS..!"
"Elizabeth's my friend.."
"HE HATES ME!"
"Wait.. H.. but.. Doesn't hate me?"
"I HATE MYSELF!"
You see how fucked up that all is?
I feel like a retard. If I cry it'll be for the wrong reason at the wrong time and the next day they'll laugh at me because I'm being an idiot. So I cry to myself, thanks. I don't want to feel more humiliated at myself. I may as well cry at how stupid it all is, how I act, how I react, how I feel. How my security is screwed beyond belief.
I may as well cry alone and smile the next day knowing I was crying for no reason.
But I don't want anyone to know I've been suffering in vain.
Can some one ... just.. tell me. .what the hell I should do .. ..
*sighs*
Why you had to do all that on that specific day, I question.
I mustn't blame anyone but myself though.
"I used to always read his poetry, and think it was for me. And believe it was a message. I'm a fool that way. I make up stories and I get so tangled up in it, I believe it's real."
Must I feel any more pain, this week?
I felt hopelessly alone and like all my friends didn't care. Why is it all shattering me.. now?
Maybe realization. Another hurt. Another impossibility. How could I not assume that with such words you didn't hate me. All I do is get in your way and piss you off, again and again. And your lovely journal entry didn't say much more to me but 'hate'.
You really think I can read that and keep my head straight.....
I'm such a fucking mess right now. I.. Feel. really stupid. Always. I hate it.
You know why I don't cry in front of people? Because every time I cry about one thing, I cry about a confusion the next, and find out it's wrong.
What the fuck do I say, huh?
"I HAVE NO FRIENDS..!"
"Elizabeth's my friend.."
"HE HATES ME!"
"Wait.. H.. but.. Doesn't hate me?"
"I HATE MYSELF!"
You see how fucked up that all is?
I feel like a retard. If I cry it'll be for the wrong reason at the wrong time and the next day they'll laugh at me because I'm being an idiot. So I cry to myself, thanks. I don't want to feel more humiliated at myself. I may as well cry at how stupid it all is, how I act, how I react, how I feel. How my security is screwed beyond belief.
I may as well cry alone and smile the next day knowing I was crying for no reason.
But I don't want anyone to know I've been suffering in vain.
Can some one ... just.. tell me. .what the hell I should do .. ..
*sighs*
....
I don't wanna start crying again. Shh mind.. shhhh.. Shh shh shh.. It's okay.
Shhhh......... ..
how you manage to lose all confidence and all hope for yourself, I question.. Manage to believe yourself terrible and stupid with the hint of one word you were far too expecting to hear. Were you so afraid, that you made it a reality?.. Shh shh shh...
Shhhh.. Not stupid... .. .. no.. don't say "I guess so" You're not stupid. Human. Just like everyone else.
"Just shut your mouth, how can you say.. I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be looved.. Just like everyone else does.. There's a club if you'd like to go. You could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand alone, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry and you want to die.. When you say it's gonna happen now.. When exactly do you mean? See I've already waited too loong.. And all my hope is gone. I am human and I need to be looooved... Just like everybody else does......"
-How Soon Is Now, The Smiths
That song fits me perfectly right now.
Shhhh......... ..
how you manage to lose all confidence and all hope for yourself, I question.. Manage to believe yourself terrible and stupid with the hint of one word you were far too expecting to hear. Were you so afraid, that you made it a reality?.. Shh shh shh...
Shhhh.. Not stupid... .. .. no.. don't say "I guess so" You're not stupid. Human. Just like everyone else.
"Just shut your mouth, how can you say.. I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be looved.. Just like everyone else does.. There's a club if you'd like to go. You could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand alone, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry and you want to die.. When you say it's gonna happen now.. When exactly do you mean? See I've already waited too loong.. And all my hope is gone. I am human and I need to be looooved... Just like everybody else does......"
-How Soon Is Now, The Smiths
That song fits me perfectly right now.
You Know What's Funny? +rant
I noted, if you say something from a TV show, people come to your blog because they were searching it. Hah.
So why not list a bunch of facts. I want to see if it works. Curious.
I used to watch Survivor everyday last year because I liked it, but now Survivor sucks. It's too gross and it's boring and repetitive.
Grey's Anatomy is the only show I really watch now, because.. It's funny, and has a good mix of humor and emotion. I'm not one for hospital shows, but this one's actually good. And since I'm having those sort of 'issues' I can kinda relate.
Shadow of the Colossus is awesome.
As is Ico.
Final Fantasy 7 is cool too. And stuff.. But I wish they remade the game. That'd be nice.
Fear Factor is utter crap. Cruelty to animals and just disgusting. I hate it.
I don't like PETA either though. Just the shock factor. I can't stomach watching those things.
Celebrities suck. But magazines that gossip about them are worse. They basically stalk celebs personal lives.. "JASON'S BIG SECRET WEDDING REVEALED!" "The truth about Clinton's sickness, is he DYING?"
For god's sake people! Shut up and leave them alone! Who gives a fuck about celebs!! You don't even KNOW them!! You pretend you do because they pretended to be someone on screen (not Clinton though =P). How does that make you know anything about them? Reading interviews and gossip doesn't mean a thing, you hopeless noobs!
Why can't people get over that celebs look ugly when they wake up in the morning? They take pictures of them and post them in magazines. "omg, this person has a fat ass in the swimsuit picture!11!!" etc etc etc!
I mean.. Seriously. Did you think they were that pretty without a wonderful thing called MAKEUP, PLASTIC SURGERY, and PHOTOSHOP!?
Is anyone even pretty anymore? The girls in the magazines are fake, you fucking horny idiots. Why do you have to raise the expectations for us just because your fantasy girls in magazines, who don't even look like that. Jeezus christ.
Mmmmhm.
I hate the Bratz dolls. I HATE THEM. Worse than Barbies! Ten times worse! Barbies were plastic perfect, but at least they were not trying to go for sex appeal. Bratz are telling little kids to wear miniskirts. Great. Joy to all the pedophiles out there.
Huge lips that cover half their face, glittered in makeup. Boyfriends and fashion. What the hell. Why do we want our children to grow up that fast? If I had a little girl I would want her growing up with girly crap that's cute sweet and full of imagination, not learning early sex ed of how you need a boyfriend and you need the best handbag to fit in. Wonderful message you give your children, corporations, parents of the world. What are you thinking?
There's a thing called dress up. I loved that. But you don't tell your kids subconsciously to wear sexy clothes and try to look like a whore.
As if the print saying "Angel" across the ass of your sweatpants in middle school wasn't annoying enough.
I don't like rap either. Not all rap is bad, but a wiiide majority. The girl singer (if there is one) in the popular songs are high pitched and her part is always the submissive 'bitch'. Wooonderful. Apparently girls are attracted to boys who take advantage of them and dress like retards. Yes, I'm talking to you, 'gangsters'. The ones who's pants hang low and long tshirts resemble dresses or maybe long pajama shirts. Yeah, it's so HOT to see your lovely boxers every day.
And your hats, a size too big and covered in brand names. And leaving the price tag on to show off the 200 dollars you bought from a place that has people working for portions of a dollar an hour, making that designer 'basketball' shirt.
And what's with the basketball shoes..? You really think good shoes makes you a good basketball player?
Stop shaving your heads. It's ugly as hell. I would like one with hair to his hips rather than hair less than two inches all around. (by the way, long hair is cute)
Course, on the other hand, maybe some 'gangster' somewhere is whining about how goths are idiots. *shrugs*
But.. It depends. Some goths overdue it all and make themselves gloomy just to fit their image. Others are neat to look at. I like it when people look different, so goths are no trouble. As long as they're nice.
Course stereotypes are terrible things, but I can't help but dislike what I'm seeing each day.
Anyway, that's my rant and semi-experiment for the day. Phew.
So why not list a bunch of facts. I want to see if it works. Curious.
I used to watch Survivor everyday last year because I liked it, but now Survivor sucks. It's too gross and it's boring and repetitive.
Grey's Anatomy is the only show I really watch now, because.. It's funny, and has a good mix of humor and emotion. I'm not one for hospital shows, but this one's actually good. And since I'm having those sort of 'issues' I can kinda relate.
Shadow of the Colossus is awesome.
As is Ico.
Final Fantasy 7 is cool too. And stuff.. But I wish they remade the game. That'd be nice.
Fear Factor is utter crap. Cruelty to animals and just disgusting. I hate it.
I don't like PETA either though. Just the shock factor. I can't stomach watching those things.
Celebrities suck. But magazines that gossip about them are worse. They basically stalk celebs personal lives.. "JASON'S BIG SECRET WEDDING REVEALED!" "The truth about Clinton's sickness, is he DYING?"
For god's sake people! Shut up and leave them alone! Who gives a fuck about celebs!! You don't even KNOW them!! You pretend you do because they pretended to be someone on screen (not Clinton though =P). How does that make you know anything about them? Reading interviews and gossip doesn't mean a thing, you hopeless noobs!
Why can't people get over that celebs look ugly when they wake up in the morning? They take pictures of them and post them in magazines. "omg, this person has a fat ass in the swimsuit picture!11!!" etc etc etc!
I mean.. Seriously. Did you think they were that pretty without a wonderful thing called MAKEUP, PLASTIC SURGERY, and PHOTOSHOP!?
Is anyone even pretty anymore? The girls in the magazines are fake, you fucking horny idiots. Why do you have to raise the expectations for us just because your fantasy girls in magazines, who don't even look like that. Jeezus christ.
Mmmmhm.
I hate the Bratz dolls. I HATE THEM. Worse than Barbies! Ten times worse! Barbies were plastic perfect, but at least they were not trying to go for sex appeal. Bratz are telling little kids to wear miniskirts. Great. Joy to all the pedophiles out there.
Huge lips that cover half their face, glittered in makeup. Boyfriends and fashion. What the hell. Why do we want our children to grow up that fast? If I had a little girl I would want her growing up with girly crap that's cute sweet and full of imagination, not learning early sex ed of how you need a boyfriend and you need the best handbag to fit in. Wonderful message you give your children, corporations, parents of the world. What are you thinking?
There's a thing called dress up. I loved that. But you don't tell your kids subconsciously to wear sexy clothes and try to look like a whore.
As if the print saying "Angel" across the ass of your sweatpants in middle school wasn't annoying enough.
I don't like rap either. Not all rap is bad, but a wiiide majority. The girl singer (if there is one) in the popular songs are high pitched and her part is always the submissive 'bitch'. Wooonderful. Apparently girls are attracted to boys who take advantage of them and dress like retards. Yes, I'm talking to you, 'gangsters'. The ones who's pants hang low and long tshirts resemble dresses or maybe long pajama shirts. Yeah, it's so HOT to see your lovely boxers every day.
And your hats, a size too big and covered in brand names. And leaving the price tag on to show off the 200 dollars you bought from a place that has people working for portions of a dollar an hour, making that designer 'basketball' shirt.
And what's with the basketball shoes..? You really think good shoes makes you a good basketball player?
Stop shaving your heads. It's ugly as hell. I would like one with hair to his hips rather than hair less than two inches all around. (by the way, long hair is cute)
Course, on the other hand, maybe some 'gangster' somewhere is whining about how goths are idiots. *shrugs*
But.. It depends. Some goths overdue it all and make themselves gloomy just to fit their image. Others are neat to look at. I like it when people look different, so goths are no trouble. As long as they're nice.
Course stereotypes are terrible things, but I can't help but dislike what I'm seeing each day.
Anyway, that's my rant and semi-experiment for the day. Phew.
Confess?
Whenever someone stands next to me I feel like shouting at them to go away, or like they're going to grab my shoulder or say something mean to me. Whenever my little brother does I wince. I'm afraid of them. I want them to stop looking and stop staring and stay away. It makes me feel sick.
He just did it. Again. Stop it.
He stares at my screen and I'm watching some inappropriate joke or something. Why the hell does he keep looking..
It's like having someone see you looking at porn. But I'm not. I'm just doing my thing, watching jokes and stuff. Yet I feel the same way.
I take self-portraits for fun but I don't post any because I'm sure everyone's sick of looking at me. I feel like one of those cutters who takes pictures of her cut up arms. I don't do that, nor do I self harm. But I feel selfish and dumb posting myself all the time, though I don't have much to take pictures of.
I'm afraid to ask to hang out with my own friends. I don't know why. I feel like I'm annoying them, wasting their time for a boring day with me.
I'm starting to hate boys again, because I swear all they do is cause pain and embarrassment in my life. I feel like I'm doomed to be tricked into another.. joy that will turn to hell.
I slack off in school these days. I don't have the willpower to finish what I'm given, with my emotional problems and everything..
Bleh. Confessions?
He just did it. Again. Stop it.
He stares at my screen and I'm watching some inappropriate joke or something. Why the hell does he keep looking..
It's like having someone see you looking at porn. But I'm not. I'm just doing my thing, watching jokes and stuff. Yet I feel the same way.
I take self-portraits for fun but I don't post any because I'm sure everyone's sick of looking at me. I feel like one of those cutters who takes pictures of her cut up arms. I don't do that, nor do I self harm. But I feel selfish and dumb posting myself all the time, though I don't have much to take pictures of.
I'm afraid to ask to hang out with my own friends. I don't know why. I feel like I'm annoying them, wasting their time for a boring day with me.
I'm starting to hate boys again, because I swear all they do is cause pain and embarrassment in my life. I feel like I'm doomed to be tricked into another.. joy that will turn to hell.
I slack off in school these days. I don't have the willpower to finish what I'm given, with my emotional problems and everything..
Bleh. Confessions?
well, he loathes me for not moving on and was eventually brought to hate me?
hell if I know
That's dumb and really selfish. If you care about someone that much you can't just move on in a heartbeat. He's a moron
*quotes him*
He must be sickened by half the world's population because every human being is like that to the core
Well, what's done is done I suppose?
yeah
not like I can love someone who hates me
Sad thing is you CAN but it'd be just really crazy to do it haha. Best thing is to just slowly let it go
haha
yeah
--
Someone's on my side. T__T...
hell if I know
That's dumb and really selfish. If you care about someone that much you can't just move on in a heartbeat. He's a moron
*quotes him*
He must be sickened by half the world's population because every human being is like that to the core
Well, what's done is done I suppose?
yeah
not like I can love someone who hates me
Sad thing is you CAN but it'd be just really crazy to do it haha. Best thing is to just slowly let it go
haha
yeah
--
Someone's on my side. T__T...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Mental Breakdown
Mental breakdown. Apologies for making a scene and maybe scaring a few. God-damned huge mental breakdown..
*sighs*
I hadn't cried like that in.. Years..? no, months. I stopped crying when I left the one who always cried. Ironic.
It's funny how easy it is to cry now. Writing this I almost feel like I will.. I guess I finally cracked, huh?
.... Yeah.. I cracked.
But, I'm free..? I'm free. Sure.
At least I'm free. I can cry once more, and I'm free.
No more dreams, no more denial, no more.. No more false hope, no more love. I'm better without it all.
I can care of myself and myself only. And I need to for a while. I have a lot I need to fix with myself. I have no confidence..
"Am I real, and what do I feel? Hate is half a heart.. Only I am in my arms. You were sold, as something to hold. Nothing's as rude as the cold. Stupidly.. Beautifoolish true.. You.. Maybe madness is a heart, maybe heaven is a habit.. If I could fly, I'd live in the sky. I'd come from why, and ob-vi-ous-ly you.. do.. too.. The very start, of everything hard.. Could be the slip of a fingertip.."
-Lonely, Frente
I lot of music listening and quoting for me.
Habit.
I loved you, I don't love you, I don't hate you, I can't have you, you hate me.
That's always how the story ends.
Every time.
It makes me sometimes question, why I'm here. Why I was here if those who finally can see who I am hate me. Is an angel a devil in disguise? Am I? Was I fated to be hated by all I meet? Even those who tell me they never shall. It seems so.. Funny. I try to help, I want to help, but it seems my terrible self holds me back from anything but doing bad?
Questions questions.. If only I knew exactly WHY. No one can tell me.
Is my kindness a mask? Am I really that bad underneath?
Let's see.....
Underneath the mask, a freak. I at least know that much.
"I wish I could be a dragqueen" "I believed in fairies until I was twelve" "I wish I could be needed" "I'm stuck at age six inside"
Social anxiety, I cling to anyone who listens, anyone who cares, until they hate me. Yeah, that's how it works. But, why do they all hate me?
It leads me to hate myself. And I do.
----
Apparently, I'm getting braces today. Wonderful. I get to lose my awesome fang. I don't wanna.
I fell asleep at 4 AM. ..
Pain in the ass, dealing with all this.
I'm never loving anyone again, you hear me? Never. Ever. Ever. I hate them. They all hate me. Why do they..
Gotta promise myself that. No more loving. No more looking. The hopeless romantic will starve...
Gotta relocate all my goddamned friends. Before I go insane.
"Read her name to me.. Just one young girl and her tragedy, following her. Fists and threats... He forgets they were the world and he, is misery. And when she sings, her beauty stings. His eyes are like a curse and hers, are permanently blue. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you. Just one drink, makes you think how great your friends can be.. Wakes up a world where he can't be.. Here he comes. Something dumb with loaded fingers and thumbs. She clings to my arms, and I can give her the strength to live. And the second before the people become.. A corridor for two.. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you... la la la...." -Safe From You, Frente
Again with the quoting. *shrugs*
Gotta lay out in the sun today, because I feel damned cold.
*sighs*
I hadn't cried like that in.. Years..? no, months. I stopped crying when I left the one who always cried. Ironic.
It's funny how easy it is to cry now. Writing this I almost feel like I will.. I guess I finally cracked, huh?
.... Yeah.. I cracked.
But, I'm free..? I'm free. Sure.
At least I'm free. I can cry once more, and I'm free.
No more dreams, no more denial, no more.. No more false hope, no more love. I'm better without it all.
I can care of myself and myself only. And I need to for a while. I have a lot I need to fix with myself. I have no confidence..
"Am I real, and what do I feel? Hate is half a heart.. Only I am in my arms. You were sold, as something to hold. Nothing's as rude as the cold. Stupidly.. Beautifoolish true.. You.. Maybe madness is a heart, maybe heaven is a habit.. If I could fly, I'd live in the sky. I'd come from why, and ob-vi-ous-ly you.. do.. too.. The very start, of everything hard.. Could be the slip of a fingertip.."
-Lonely, Frente
I lot of music listening and quoting for me.
Habit.
I loved you, I don't love you, I don't hate you, I can't have you, you hate me.
That's always how the story ends.
Every time.
It makes me sometimes question, why I'm here. Why I was here if those who finally can see who I am hate me. Is an angel a devil in disguise? Am I? Was I fated to be hated by all I meet? Even those who tell me they never shall. It seems so.. Funny. I try to help, I want to help, but it seems my terrible self holds me back from anything but doing bad?
Questions questions.. If only I knew exactly WHY. No one can tell me.
Is my kindness a mask? Am I really that bad underneath?
Let's see.....
Underneath the mask, a freak. I at least know that much.
"I wish I could be a dragqueen" "I believed in fairies until I was twelve" "I wish I could be needed" "I'm stuck at age six inside"
Social anxiety, I cling to anyone who listens, anyone who cares, until they hate me. Yeah, that's how it works. But, why do they all hate me?
It leads me to hate myself. And I do.
----
Apparently, I'm getting braces today. Wonderful. I get to lose my awesome fang. I don't wanna.
I fell asleep at 4 AM. ..
Pain in the ass, dealing with all this.
I'm never loving anyone again, you hear me? Never. Ever. Ever. I hate them. They all hate me. Why do they..
Gotta promise myself that. No more loving. No more looking. The hopeless romantic will starve...
Gotta relocate all my goddamned friends. Before I go insane.
"Read her name to me.. Just one young girl and her tragedy, following her. Fists and threats... He forgets they were the world and he, is misery. And when she sings, her beauty stings. His eyes are like a curse and hers, are permanently blue. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you. Just one drink, makes you think how great your friends can be.. Wakes up a world where he can't be.. Here he comes. Something dumb with loaded fingers and thumbs. She clings to my arms, and I can give her the strength to live. And the second before the people become.. A corridor for two.. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you... la la la...." -Safe From You, Frente
Again with the quoting. *shrugs*
Gotta lay out in the sun today, because I feel damned cold.
Sobbing
I'm c.. .. cryign.. my fucking.. eyes. out.. I can't stop crying.. I can't stop crying.. i cna'.t..s sffop.. ..,.,,,,,
I can't.. stop.. crying.. I can't .. stop.. ... .... .s..sc..
... crying.. carying.. cryan.g..xzIcan't.. sotp.. crying.. I can't..
sto..
crying..
... .. why.. why why why whhwya.sdf..s.
sob sob.. s... .. shaking.. crying.
I can't sotp..
why.. can't.. .. why.. why. why.... .. why.. why.. he .. why..
I d..on't.. want.. ... .. ...
... *taks..
a deep.. breath.. and ..*
.. ..
chokingon teaers..
... I don't.. want this.. anymore.. I don't.. want this.. I don't want this.. I don't want hthis.. I don't want this.. ..
I've.. never cried so much.. before..
Snuffles.. is watchign me crying.. She doesn't know what i'm doing.. she's staring at me.. she'ss..scared.. because. she's never seen me cry..
... shaaking.. .. ... can't.. ... ... .. .. I.. .. .don't.. want this.. anymore.. can't stop crying.. I can't stop.. crying.. I... ...
I'm.. terrible..?
Why..? I'm.. .. I.. .. .. I don't.. want to hurt.. anyone. Why am ..
WHY DOES EVERYONE WHO LOVES ME AND EVERYONE I LOVE EVENTUALLY HATE ME?
,, that..s. ..all.. I ever want to know..
...
God, why did you bring me here??? WHY did you bring me here? Why did you make me like this?
why did you make me .. ehre... I wish I was hnever .. born.. ..
Why did you do this to me? Why did you? Why did you?
Someone.. kill me.. I don't.. want this.. i can't stop crying. I can't fucking.. stop crying.
I don't want to live like this.
I con't.. stop.. crying. I can't stop crying. ,,
... oh.. finally.. stopped.. silence.
And I can breathe.. once more.. ...
Oh.. no.. don't.. start again.. I'm.. okay.. I'm.. okay.. I'm.. okay.. Please.. tell me I'm okay..
I can't.. stop.. crying.. I can't .. stop.. ... .... .s..sc..
... crying.. carying.. cryan.g..xzIcan't.. sotp.. crying.. I can't..
sto..
crying..
... .. why.. why why why whhwya.sdf..s.
sob sob.. s... .. shaking.. crying.
I can't sotp..
why.. can't.. .. why.. why. why.... .. why.. why.. he .. why..
I d..on't.. want.. ... .. ...
... *taks..
a deep.. breath.. and ..*
.. ..
chokingon teaers..
... I don't.. want this.. anymore.. I don't.. want this.. I don't want this.. I don't want hthis.. I don't want this.. ..
I've.. never cried so much.. before..
Snuffles.. is watchign me crying.. She doesn't know what i'm doing.. she's staring at me.. she'ss..scared.. because. she's never seen me cry..
... shaaking.. .. ... can't.. ... ... .. .. I.. .. .don't.. want this.. anymore.. can't stop crying.. I can't stop.. crying.. I... ...
I'm.. terrible..?
Why..? I'm.. .. I.. .. .. I don't.. want to hurt.. anyone. Why am ..
WHY DOES EVERYONE WHO LOVES ME AND EVERYONE I LOVE EVENTUALLY HATE ME?
,, that..s. ..all.. I ever want to know..
...
God, why did you bring me here??? WHY did you bring me here? Why did you make me like this?
why did you make me .. ehre... I wish I was hnever .. born.. ..
Why did you do this to me? Why did you? Why did you?
Someone.. kill me.. I don't.. want this.. i can't stop crying. I can't fucking.. stop crying.
I don't want to live like this.
I con't.. stop.. crying. I can't stop crying. ,,
... oh.. finally.. stopped.. silence.
And I can breathe.. once more.. ...
Oh.. no.. don't.. start again.. I'm.. okay.. I'm.. okay.. I'm.. okay.. Please.. tell me I'm okay..
Sunday, October 23, 2005
It's a big headache that continues to stay. It's a roadblock in my life that wants me to go away. It's a dead end street but I can't turn around. It's a love that won't work but wants to be found. It's a joy in my dreams but a nightmare when I wake. It's a risk I want to hold and wish I could take. I don't give a fuck and I know what's at stake. It's a crumbled sanctuary. And here inside my aviary.. You look for a key.
Yeah, that's me
Beneath farthest shadows. Past the gutter and the gallows. A treat to the eyes? Unable to see.
I'm once again here. Can't find the key.
Once it was shattered,
this time it's gone
unavailable choice
not once again found
She'd be somewhere more
she'd find what she's for
but her eyes let her see
nothing more
than the door
That has no lock
and can't stop
----------
What more to say? I just want to stay. To sulk or to cry, it's hard to say. Feeding off denial, but none can be found? Looking for a laugh that will keep me on ground. My hands are cold but face warm, if to bed, I'd toss and turn. So what more can I do, but keep these eyes open. Try to think of an impossible solution. Or maybe another lie. Another daydream. Anything. Waiting for something to change, because I can't think straight. Pretending I know what to say, but it's just fake. There are so many roads, but which should I take...
I could go forward, and never look behind
I could stop and look to see what I find
I could turn around, and beg and plead
I could pretend it's a lie, but inside I'd bleed
I could look at you and smile at the times we had
I could laugh with you, and say that I'm glad
I could look for you, just in another face
I could try to forget, and slowly erase
I could never let go, kicking and screaming
I could cry every day, for the lies I'd been leading
I could tear your life apart with the ways I wish it'd be
I could try to tell you what you couldn't see
I could act like I would be the right one to choose
I could pretend you don't love her, and make myself confused
I could know you were gone and wish you away
I could stop talking tomorrow
and then plead you to stay
And how do I know... When all scream out. This way or the other, is there just one route..
I could follow my heart.. Or I could listen to this brain. In all the sappy movies, the heart is far for strain.
One way or the other.. But how can I not blunder.. Of a choice of educated guess. And never trust, for I can't test, this judgement that always fails me.
God, someone come derail me. From a way I don't want to go. Or a way I want to that will never cease to hurt. If only one way would work.
But did you not say, from your very lips.. That it won't work, yeah, couldn't be missed..
So I wonder what holds me back. Love is my trap. But maybe doubt keeps me clear, going the way I just fear... would never work. Forever hurt, forever yours. What could cut off more than words?
"she thinks she's a car heading towards its own wreck" -Frente
Yeah, that's me
Beneath farthest shadows. Past the gutter and the gallows. A treat to the eyes? Unable to see.
I'm once again here. Can't find the key.
Once it was shattered,
this time it's gone
unavailable choice
not once again found
She'd be somewhere more
she'd find what she's for
but her eyes let her see
nothing more
than the door
That has no lock
and can't stop
----------
What more to say? I just want to stay. To sulk or to cry, it's hard to say. Feeding off denial, but none can be found? Looking for a laugh that will keep me on ground. My hands are cold but face warm, if to bed, I'd toss and turn. So what more can I do, but keep these eyes open. Try to think of an impossible solution. Or maybe another lie. Another daydream. Anything. Waiting for something to change, because I can't think straight. Pretending I know what to say, but it's just fake. There are so many roads, but which should I take...
I could go forward, and never look behind
I could stop and look to see what I find
I could turn around, and beg and plead
I could pretend it's a lie, but inside I'd bleed
I could look at you and smile at the times we had
I could laugh with you, and say that I'm glad
I could look for you, just in another face
I could try to forget, and slowly erase
I could never let go, kicking and screaming
I could cry every day, for the lies I'd been leading
I could tear your life apart with the ways I wish it'd be
I could try to tell you what you couldn't see
I could act like I would be the right one to choose
I could pretend you don't love her, and make myself confused
I could know you were gone and wish you away
I could stop talking tomorrow
and then plead you to stay
And how do I know... When all scream out. This way or the other, is there just one route..
I could follow my heart.. Or I could listen to this brain. In all the sappy movies, the heart is far for strain.
One way or the other.. But how can I not blunder.. Of a choice of educated guess. And never trust, for I can't test, this judgement that always fails me.
God, someone come derail me. From a way I don't want to go. Or a way I want to that will never cease to hurt. If only one way would work.
But did you not say, from your very lips.. That it won't work, yeah, couldn't be missed..
So I wonder what holds me back. Love is my trap. But maybe doubt keeps me clear, going the way I just fear... would never work. Forever hurt, forever yours. What could cut off more than words?
"she thinks she's a car heading towards its own wreck" -Frente
I don't like love. ..
"Pick me, choose me, love me"
(is watching Grey's Anatomy just a little)
Yeah. I don't like it. mmmmkay?
So can I stop..? Please?
Yeah. I'm feeling it again. And it sucks. I could have all the friends in the world, and it wouldn't do a thing. Because you know what? Even having tons of people around me, I still only want one to stay.
And.. It doesn't work out that way, does it? It never really turns out how you want it to. You could love someone, they could love you, but.. Everything goes wrong. Everything that doesn't matter, gets in the way. Everything you don't want to matter.
Uuuuugh. I hate love. I hate it... HATE it..
DID YOU KNOW I still think about you every other goddamned day?! HUH?
It fucking sucks!
Makes me want to shave my head and become a fake dragqueen..! No, I'm kidding about you making me want to be a fake dragqueen. I already did.
Hehe. I'm fucked up, no? I want some fucking attention! I guess..?
Someone look at me and see something amazing...? ......... Something to grin?
Ugh it's so depressing it's not funny.
Makes my hands go cold and make me tired of all.
"Pick me, choose me, love me"
(is watching Grey's Anatomy just a little)
Yeah. I don't like it. mmmmkay?
So can I stop..? Please?
Yeah. I'm feeling it again. And it sucks. I could have all the friends in the world, and it wouldn't do a thing. Because you know what? Even having tons of people around me, I still only want one to stay.
And.. It doesn't work out that way, does it? It never really turns out how you want it to. You could love someone, they could love you, but.. Everything goes wrong. Everything that doesn't matter, gets in the way. Everything you don't want to matter.
Uuuuugh. I hate love. I hate it... HATE it..
DID YOU KNOW I still think about you every other goddamned day?! HUH?
It fucking sucks!
Makes me want to shave my head and become a fake dragqueen..! No, I'm kidding about you making me want to be a fake dragqueen. I already did.
Hehe. I'm fucked up, no? I want some fucking attention! I guess..?
Someone look at me and see something amazing...? ......... Something to grin?
Ugh it's so depressing it's not funny.
Makes my hands go cold and make me tired of all.
BTW!!!
My GOD!
I feel like I have a fucking fan club or something! Yeaaah.
I'm digging through all my DA messages from the forum, getting lost in feedback and so many people are saying I can talk to them and know what I'm going through, offering advice.
And you Elizabeth, haha. Again, yay, I'm quite happy with an email from you and a long comment. *uber hug*
I apologize greatly if I'm sloooooow. But I will get to it!!! I promise. My mom's like "do your homework!" and "I need to do fittings for your costume!"
And that added to responding to the long stories from deviants on DA and saying thanks for many things, it takes time. o__o
Talk about nice. :D I looove everyone. T__T Thank yooou.
I feel like I have a fucking fan club or something! Yeaaah.
I'm digging through all my DA messages from the forum, getting lost in feedback and so many people are saying I can talk to them and know what I'm going through, offering advice.
And you Elizabeth, haha. Again, yay, I'm quite happy with an email from you and a long comment. *uber hug*
I apologize greatly if I'm sloooooow. But I will get to it!!! I promise. My mom's like "do your homework!" and "I need to do fittings for your costume!"
And that added to responding to the long stories from deviants on DA and saying thanks for many things, it takes time. o__o
Talk about nice. :D I looove everyone. T__T Thank yooou.
Whoooo..
Apologies very much. I've been crazy busy, well, the days go by fast, I'm trying to arrange a sort of Halloween get-together, and my costume is nowhere near done.
Also, I've been busy on DA... Yah.
But I'll give you some of my writing from DA, as you guys don't see it. It's blog-like anyway. This is what I said:
---
Hehe.
Just saying, to anyone from the forums who did/is visiting my page, thanks so much.
Jeeez.. I got a lot more feedback than I expected, by far. I didn't know there were a lotta people on DA who had the same problem. I didn't particularly make my subject exactly.. respondable.. It was just a bit open-ended whining, haha.
And for those who already watch me and have no clue what I mean.. I started a forum thread in help with life about my social anxiety disorder thingie-majigger, because I was particularly low and feeling kinda.. I dunno, without friends.
It's at http://forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/ .. But I said that already, whoops.
Three more watches.. *chokes on nothing and starts laughing* Flattered, very much. *grins* Nice people out there, I must say.
This is a mood booster for sure. Gah. How the heck will I concentrate on my homework now, huh?
*waves at James and laughs*
Seems I won't be quite so alone, at least, I'll have people to talk to sometimes.
----
About my 'real' life..
Today I went to the fabric store with my mom to get fabric for my costume. Fun stuff. I'm excited for Halloween, I hope she can finish the costume in time.. I'm being Yorda from the video game Ico. I looove that game. The.. possible sequel is Shadow of the Colossus, and I recommend both very much, they're for PS2.
What's really hilarious is.. I got mistaken for a boy, AGAIN!
I was wearing a damned crimson ribbon at my neck and yet they still call me a boy. Jeezzz... Am I that.. androgynous? It's really a laugh.
Jeezus Zandry, crazy fool, if I'm so pretty, why does everyone think I'm a boy? Haha.
I guess it's my clothes.. I was wearing my semi-baggy dark green cargo pants, and a plain dark grey fleece jacket.. Mm.. I guess nothing I was wearing was feminine, so I could be mistaken for a guy... I always wear stuff like this. Very comfy. Also, I never ever wear makeup! So I guess plain faces with medium length hair and plain clothes.. I could be a feminine boy.
"I didn't want to leave your son holding that huge roll of fabric looking lost" "Ah, my daughter actually, but yeah" "Huh... ..?" (me) "Oh, jeesh, I'm making so many mistakes today"
So funny!
Did you know I'm a freak? Just yesterday I said I wished I could be a dragqueen. "Because they have so much fun!!" I mean, damn, they get to wear such crazy looking things.. hahah. I'd love to wear freaky fake eyelashes and glam myself out for a really good laugh.. With a long wig and everything glittering and so so so cheesy. I'd love to. Too bad I'm not a guy. Well, I could always be a fake dragqueen. A girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl. Haha, oh my god.
I had a dream that involved tea, romantic sand, and digging holes. Hahah.. Romantic sand..
Damn, I forgot what I was going to say.. Ummmm.......
Curses! I hate when that happens.
Damn, Elizabeth, I'll say it again, you rock. Hahahhahha.
She said:
"lol. THat's... special. DRAG QUEEN! sorry just had to say that..... MWHAHAHAHAHA you can never make me not want to be your friend! it's impossible! mwhahahaha! you're stuck with me! *hands you a piece of chocolate* Smile damnit."
I'm grinning, haha.
--
Ohhh! Now I remember what I was going to say!!!
Last night I took a shower at 2 AM. Mom was like "take a shower! Gaawd" and I was like "You really wouldn't mind me taking a shower at 2 AM..?" "Nah, it's fine" That was weird o__o.
And.. After I took my shower, at um..... 3:30 AM.. I cut my hair.
I just was looking in the mirror cabinet, saw a little pair of scissors, and then looked at my hair. I thought to myself.. "Oh.. I still have a hint of that crappy old brown dye from when my hair was fading.. When I dyed it wild colors.."
So, I decided, I'll cut off the outgrown dye.
So in the middle of the night, snip snip snip, I cut here and there and everywhere, completely randomly. Different lengths, uneven, not in a straight line. I then take dozens of pictures of myself, because for some reason the only time I feel like I'm actually pretty is when I'm clean and just had taken a shower. So I made faces and had fun showing off my new haircut to my camera.
I went to bed, my mom wandered in, I was just staring at the ceiling after hearing her footsteps, with all the lights on. I showed her my haircut, and she was like wow, that's cute! I laughed and mentioned how everyone says "NEVER CUT YOUR OWN HAIR!".. Yet, it worked out great. And I wasn't even trying.. Just having a sort of fairy cut, all random and branching out n such.. It looks nice, and feels nice to not have as much weight on my head, ha.
Yeah, jeez, talkative. This is blog material. I'll talk about my dream there.
Hugs to all.
Also, I've been busy on DA... Yah.
But I'll give you some of my writing from DA, as you guys don't see it. It's blog-like anyway. This is what I said:
---
Hehe.
Just saying, to anyone from the forums who did/is visiting my page, thanks so much.
Jeeez.. I got a lot more feedback than I expected, by far. I didn't know there were a lotta people on DA who had the same problem. I didn't particularly make my subject exactly.. respondable.. It was just a bit open-ended whining, haha.
And for those who already watch me and have no clue what I mean.. I started a forum thread in help with life about my social anxiety disorder thingie-majigger, because I was particularly low and feeling kinda.. I dunno, without friends.
It's at http://forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/ .. But I said that already, whoops.
Three more watches.. *chokes on nothing and starts laughing* Flattered, very much. *grins* Nice people out there, I must say.
This is a mood booster for sure. Gah. How the heck will I concentrate on my homework now, huh?
*waves at James and laughs*
Seems I won't be quite so alone, at least, I'll have people to talk to sometimes.
----
About my 'real' life..
Today I went to the fabric store with my mom to get fabric for my costume. Fun stuff. I'm excited for Halloween, I hope she can finish the costume in time.. I'm being Yorda from the video game Ico. I looove that game. The.. possible sequel is Shadow of the Colossus, and I recommend both very much, they're for PS2.
What's really hilarious is.. I got mistaken for a boy, AGAIN!
I was wearing a damned crimson ribbon at my neck and yet they still call me a boy. Jeezzz... Am I that.. androgynous? It's really a laugh.
Jeezus Zandry, crazy fool, if I'm so pretty, why does everyone think I'm a boy? Haha.
I guess it's my clothes.. I was wearing my semi-baggy dark green cargo pants, and a plain dark grey fleece jacket.. Mm.. I guess nothing I was wearing was feminine, so I could be mistaken for a guy... I always wear stuff like this. Very comfy. Also, I never ever wear makeup! So I guess plain faces with medium length hair and plain clothes.. I could be a feminine boy.
"I didn't want to leave your son holding that huge roll of fabric looking lost" "Ah, my daughter actually, but yeah" "Huh... ..?" (me) "Oh, jeesh, I'm making so many mistakes today"
So funny!
Did you know I'm a freak? Just yesterday I said I wished I could be a dragqueen. "Because they have so much fun!!" I mean, damn, they get to wear such crazy looking things.. hahah. I'd love to wear freaky fake eyelashes and glam myself out for a really good laugh.. With a long wig and everything glittering and so so so cheesy. I'd love to. Too bad I'm not a guy. Well, I could always be a fake dragqueen. A girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl. Haha, oh my god.
I had a dream that involved tea, romantic sand, and digging holes. Hahah.. Romantic sand..
Damn, I forgot what I was going to say.. Ummmm.......
Curses! I hate when that happens.
Damn, Elizabeth, I'll say it again, you rock. Hahahhahha.
She said:
"lol. THat's... special. DRAG QUEEN! sorry just had to say that..... MWHAHAHAHAHA you can never make me not want to be your friend! it's impossible! mwhahahaha! you're stuck with me! *hands you a piece of chocolate* Smile damnit."
I'm grinning, haha.
--
Ohhh! Now I remember what I was going to say!!!
Last night I took a shower at 2 AM. Mom was like "take a shower! Gaawd" and I was like "You really wouldn't mind me taking a shower at 2 AM..?" "Nah, it's fine" That was weird o__o.
And.. After I took my shower, at um..... 3:30 AM.. I cut my hair.
I just was looking in the mirror cabinet, saw a little pair of scissors, and then looked at my hair. I thought to myself.. "Oh.. I still have a hint of that crappy old brown dye from when my hair was fading.. When I dyed it wild colors.."
So, I decided, I'll cut off the outgrown dye.
So in the middle of the night, snip snip snip, I cut here and there and everywhere, completely randomly. Different lengths, uneven, not in a straight line. I then take dozens of pictures of myself, because for some reason the only time I feel like I'm actually pretty is when I'm clean and just had taken a shower. So I made faces and had fun showing off my new haircut to my camera.
I went to bed, my mom wandered in, I was just staring at the ceiling after hearing her footsteps, with all the lights on. I showed her my haircut, and she was like wow, that's cute! I laughed and mentioned how everyone says "NEVER CUT YOUR OWN HAIR!".. Yet, it worked out great. And I wasn't even trying.. Just having a sort of fairy cut, all random and branching out n such.. It looks nice, and feels nice to not have as much weight on my head, ha.
Yeah, jeez, talkative. This is blog material. I'll talk about my dream there.
Hugs to all.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Elizzzzaaabeth, Thanks
First I will start off by saying, it's so weird, I had a dream of you last night.
--
First I'm running with my weight training class for whatever reason. We're following a road without a sidewalk, and going up it, near a very forest-like tree filled area. We run up. I decide to run into a path down the forest, and the others follow.
In the dark we can see a few people walking around.. And I'm surprised to see a naked guy, apparently a model for nude photography, in the forest at night with the photographer. He's in the distance and only glances back. In the forest I see hint of a brick wall, and then I realize it's an overgrown.. ... Something involving sports.. It's like the material and tiles of the ground around a swimming pool, and it stretches out a distance. It has numbers in red on some of it, and we look around at it. Ivy grows around the edges.
I keep walking, and at the edge of this hard ground, I see a weird sculpture. An eye. It's painted and large, just in the middle of this place.
I'm talking to Elizabeth, and I want to run away with her. I tell her we should run away for a day. It's dark out, and it sounds dangerous, and she says something about being worried that her dad would hear.
Someone out of nowhere asks me, would you really run away like that?
I say, no, it's not a big deal, just escaping for a day or two.
I forget the rest....
--
Anyway, many hugs and thanks to Elizabeth... For the email and kind blog comment. No idea how nice it is to know someone cares when you're feeling low.
--
ALSO! Thanks (though they won't see this) to everyone who responded to my forum thread on DA. I actually started one because I needed advice.
It's here: http://forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/
Kind people out there, it's good. I'd say more, but I can't think straight. I'll say more about this later, too much to think about.
--
First I'm running with my weight training class for whatever reason. We're following a road without a sidewalk, and going up it, near a very forest-like tree filled area. We run up. I decide to run into a path down the forest, and the others follow.
In the dark we can see a few people walking around.. And I'm surprised to see a naked guy, apparently a model for nude photography, in the forest at night with the photographer. He's in the distance and only glances back. In the forest I see hint of a brick wall, and then I realize it's an overgrown.. ... Something involving sports.. It's like the material and tiles of the ground around a swimming pool, and it stretches out a distance. It has numbers in red on some of it, and we look around at it. Ivy grows around the edges.
I keep walking, and at the edge of this hard ground, I see a weird sculpture. An eye. It's painted and large, just in the middle of this place.
I'm talking to Elizabeth, and I want to run away with her. I tell her we should run away for a day. It's dark out, and it sounds dangerous, and she says something about being worried that her dad would hear.
Someone out of nowhere asks me, would you really run away like that?
I say, no, it's not a big deal, just escaping for a day or two.
I forget the rest....
--
Anyway, many hugs and thanks to Elizabeth... For the email and kind blog comment. No idea how nice it is to know someone cares when you're feeling low.
--
ALSO! Thanks (though they won't see this) to everyone who responded to my forum thread on DA. I actually started one because I needed advice.
It's here: http://forum.deviantart.com/community/life/514161/
Kind people out there, it's good. I'd say more, but I can't think straight. I'll say more about this later, too much to think about.
S.O.B.
"Ya about you ass hole go get a life instead of ruining others"
Um.. What the fuck?
I give this person advice when they say they're thinking of suicide, I leave a nice comment on their poetry, and they call me an asshole.
Ooookay.
As if I need crap when I'm already low. Jeezus christ. What a son of a bitch.
Um.. What the fuck?
I give this person advice when they say they're thinking of suicide, I leave a nice comment on their poetry, and they call me an asshole.
Ooookay.
As if I need crap when I'm already low. Jeezus christ. What a son of a bitch.
O-Kay.
I now officially think that honesty, I don't have any real friends.
How the hell does someone manage to not have one email from all her friends for six months..? How?
I'm quite talkative. I email back. But yet.. *sighs*
So, what's up with that?
Whenever I try to meet a guy, I end up being soon ignored. I've never known a boy, except once in elementary to middle school. I avoid him now.
Tell me. Tell me. How do I have friends.. When I have social anxiety disorder, am afraid to call them, don't want them over, and never get emailed?
Tell me. How. The. Fuck.
I love to talk. I loove to talk. But I never get the chance. No one ever asks what I think.. If I find anyone who cares, I have to look. I find people and I usually just mess things up for them, I've found. I nearly have to make them like me, otherwise they don't. And that's not my style. So, I end up being completely alone.. Because I don't want to look, and no one finds me. I'm done searching. I've had two heartbreaks, and I fear rejection. I hardly ever say anything because what comes from my mouth has little meaning to me, and I feel I would only be interrupting the others. My opinion means nothing to anyone, so.. Why bother, mm..?
Can you see why I'm sad all the time? I'm alone. I have illusion of having a good group of friends, but really, they don't even know me. They're very kind long-lasting acquaintances. A few faintly know how I am. But they're not around.
'Go do something with your friends' 'A shoulder to cry on' 'Party' 'Hang out'.. All of these phrases are unknown to me. For, I have no shoulder to cry on, none offered, and no friends to hang with. Can easily hang with a noose from a tree, but not with friends.
Haha.
Yeah.. My life is such a bitter piece of crap. How I wish someone knew me. How I wish I had friends. How I wish I could talk and say something besides 'yes..' 'yeah..' 'okay..' 'how are you?' 'yeah, I'm fine, tired'
I wish I had someone I could tell everything. I wish I could philosophize with someone.. God.. I just want a friend to talk to and hang out with.. A friend I'm not afraid of. Why am I afraid of people..? I hate it.
My hands shake when I do anything with a friend over. I soon get a headache, not knowing what to do with them.. I can't have fun with anyone.
*sigh*
How the hell does someone manage to not have one email from all her friends for six months..? How?
I'm quite talkative. I email back. But yet.. *sighs*
So, what's up with that?
Whenever I try to meet a guy, I end up being soon ignored. I've never known a boy, except once in elementary to middle school. I avoid him now.
Tell me. Tell me. How do I have friends.. When I have social anxiety disorder, am afraid to call them, don't want them over, and never get emailed?
Tell me. How. The. Fuck.
I love to talk. I loove to talk. But I never get the chance. No one ever asks what I think.. If I find anyone who cares, I have to look. I find people and I usually just mess things up for them, I've found. I nearly have to make them like me, otherwise they don't. And that's not my style. So, I end up being completely alone.. Because I don't want to look, and no one finds me. I'm done searching. I've had two heartbreaks, and I fear rejection. I hardly ever say anything because what comes from my mouth has little meaning to me, and I feel I would only be interrupting the others. My opinion means nothing to anyone, so.. Why bother, mm..?
Can you see why I'm sad all the time? I'm alone. I have illusion of having a good group of friends, but really, they don't even know me. They're very kind long-lasting acquaintances. A few faintly know how I am. But they're not around.
'Go do something with your friends' 'A shoulder to cry on' 'Party' 'Hang out'.. All of these phrases are unknown to me. For, I have no shoulder to cry on, none offered, and no friends to hang with. Can easily hang with a noose from a tree, but not with friends.
Haha.
Yeah.. My life is such a bitter piece of crap. How I wish someone knew me. How I wish I had friends. How I wish I could talk and say something besides 'yes..' 'yeah..' 'okay..' 'how are you?' 'yeah, I'm fine, tired'
I wish I had someone I could tell everything. I wish I could philosophize with someone.. God.. I just want a friend to talk to and hang out with.. A friend I'm not afraid of. Why am I afraid of people..? I hate it.
My hands shake when I do anything with a friend over. I soon get a headache, not knowing what to do with them.. I can't have fun with anyone.
*sigh*
Why I Feel Alone
Besides spam..
The last real email I've gotten was from Renan on September 2nd, and consisted of nine sentences.
The second last email I've gotten was from Nikhil, and it was on July 29th, and consisted of three sentences.
The last email that was more than that was from my grandma on July 8th.
And my mom on July 8th.
And then Renan again on July 2nd.
That's it. The last email I got from a friend that lives around here was (of any form besides spam).... ..
SHIT.
May 9th, 2005. From Iris.
So the last friend to say a word to me besides at school was Iris, about six months ago.
....... ..... Fucking friends.
The last real email I've gotten was from Renan on September 2nd, and consisted of nine sentences.
The second last email I've gotten was from Nikhil, and it was on July 29th, and consisted of three sentences.
The last email that was more than that was from my grandma on July 8th.
And my mom on July 8th.
And then Renan again on July 2nd.
That's it. The last email I got from a friend that lives around here was (of any form besides spam).... ..
SHIT.
May 9th, 2005. From Iris.
So the last friend to say a word to me besides at school was Iris, about six months ago.
....... ..... Fucking friends.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Googlism of Me
I'll list all the ones that could apply to me.. are interesting, amuse me, or remind me of myself.
tanya is slim and elegant lady
tanya is talking to that interesting student
tanya is currently employed as a social worker who deals with sexually and physically abused children
tanya is really into the outdoors
tanya is all original
tanya is an excellent example of a person who has used dedication and hard work to exceed
tanya is nuts?
tanya is the most passionate person i know when it comes to books
tanya is older
tanya is not allowed to go upstairs
tanya is an extrovert and carefree child with a tendency to fantasise
tanya is a powerful book
tanya is a very talkative woman
tanya is a very pretty young lady
tanya is my goddess
tanya is a wonderful gal and that will definitely be an interview worth reading
tanya is reliving the experience
tanya is looking for salvation and her self
tanya is a very special young lady
tanya is the greatest of all tanyas
tanya is sitting and smiling at the elbow room
tanya is so happy to have a buddy
tanya is happy to write whatever she likes
tanya is not quite sure what she wants to do when she is finished
tanya is taking her latest course at a slower pace
tanya is a freelance writer whose articles
tanya is a proven winner in every volleyball arena she has entered
tanya is learning the art of being in several places at the same time
tanya is our bestest friend in the whole wide world
tanya is in for a terrible shock
tanya is his betrothed since birth royal princess
tanya is entitled to her opinion
tanya is involved in all aspects of the creative process
tanya is concerned
tanya is mad for a reason
tanya is working in the notebook
tanya is looking for friendship and more
tanya is knocked out
tanya is left
tanya is upset
tanya is rather petite
tanya is a very bright
tanya is the founder and the choreographer of the mahabbi cabaret bellydance troupe and the goddesspower bellydancers
tanya is hotter
tanya is defined by whatever she’s reading
tanya is a loyal
tanya is a proven winner in every volleyball arena she has entered
tanya is a successful freelance writer with a wide range of fiction
tanya is right
tanya is my peekapoo
tanya is a sexy sweetheart
tanya is a lonesome teen who wants a friend
tanya is considered to be one of the most extraordinary
tanya is a great kisser and she smells so sweet and her body is soft and sooo good (lmao)
tanya is nervous about internet dating and introductions as she has never done this before
tanya is able to be involved in the many activities due to a supportive family
tanya is involved in all aspects of the creative process
tanya is in it even if it isn't as much as before
tanya is slim and elegant lady
tanya is talking to that interesting student
tanya is currently employed as a social worker who deals with sexually and physically abused children
tanya is really into the outdoors
tanya is all original
tanya is an excellent example of a person who has used dedication and hard work to exceed
tanya is nuts?
tanya is the most passionate person i know when it comes to books
tanya is older
tanya is not allowed to go upstairs
tanya is an extrovert and carefree child with a tendency to fantasise
tanya is a powerful book
tanya is a very talkative woman
tanya is a very pretty young lady
tanya is my goddess
tanya is a wonderful gal and that will definitely be an interview worth reading
tanya is reliving the experience
tanya is looking for salvation and her self
tanya is a very special young lady
tanya is the greatest of all tanyas
tanya is sitting and smiling at the elbow room
tanya is so happy to have a buddy
tanya is happy to write whatever she likes
tanya is not quite sure what she wants to do when she is finished
tanya is taking her latest course at a slower pace
tanya is a freelance writer whose articles
tanya is a proven winner in every volleyball arena she has entered
tanya is learning the art of being in several places at the same time
tanya is our bestest friend in the whole wide world
tanya is in for a terrible shock
tanya is his betrothed since birth royal princess
tanya is entitled to her opinion
tanya is involved in all aspects of the creative process
tanya is concerned
tanya is mad for a reason
tanya is working in the notebook
tanya is looking for friendship and more
tanya is knocked out
tanya is left
tanya is upset
tanya is rather petite
tanya is a very bright
tanya is the founder and the choreographer of the mahabbi cabaret bellydance troupe and the goddesspower bellydancers
tanya is hotter
tanya is defined by whatever she’s reading
tanya is a loyal
tanya is a proven winner in every volleyball arena she has entered
tanya is a successful freelance writer with a wide range of fiction
tanya is right
tanya is my peekapoo
tanya is a sexy sweetheart
tanya is a lonesome teen who wants a friend
tanya is considered to be one of the most extraordinary
tanya is a great kisser and she smells so sweet and her body is soft and sooo good (lmao)
tanya is nervous about internet dating and introductions as she has never done this before
tanya is able to be involved in the many activities due to a supportive family
tanya is involved in all aspects of the creative process
tanya is in it even if it isn't as much as before
Still.
Still gloomy, because still love.
Still gloomy, because I still love.
Yet I love nothing that is mine.
I love what you said. I love how you were. I love how it was. But I cannot love you. Because, I am not allowed to.
How depressing. I wish my making you tell me that you'd never love me, never be with me, and never get over her.. Was a lie.
Yet I shouldn't think that way. Because it wasn't. So I will try to stop thinking of you.. But fail.. And pretend that boy emailed me, pretend the Japanese tutor emailed me, and pretend I don't love all you did. Pretending.. But failing. Yet I'll pretend I don't miss your company. And I'll pretend I'm okay.. Day after day.
Still gloomy, because I still love.
Yet I love nothing that is mine.
I love what you said. I love how you were. I love how it was. But I cannot love you. Because, I am not allowed to.
How depressing. I wish my making you tell me that you'd never love me, never be with me, and never get over her.. Was a lie.
Yet I shouldn't think that way. Because it wasn't. So I will try to stop thinking of you.. But fail.. And pretend that boy emailed me, pretend the Japanese tutor emailed me, and pretend I don't love all you did. Pretending.. But failing. Yet I'll pretend I don't miss your company. And I'll pretend I'm okay.. Day after day.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
'Pologies.. + Procrastination Through Organization!
Sorry. Really, really, really negative.
I had a big headache and I was not happy. Sorry for such gloominess.
GRAAAAHHHHHGHGHGHGHGGHHGH..!
I need to go do something. Something fun. TOMORROW. Or I'll die. From fun deprivation. Fuuuun deprivaaaaation...!
LIST THE THINGS I HAVE TO DO IN ONE HOUR:
Biology - nothin
LA - rough draft of classification paper
US history - constitution work
Japanese - Katakana menu quiz
Math -two assignments
Kay. I'll be okay. Hahaha, riiiight. But I'll stay up all night if I have to.
I WILL. If no one stops me. Please don't stop me. I wanna finish.
I had a big headache and I was not happy. Sorry for such gloominess.
GRAAAAHHHHHGHGHGHGHGGHHGH..!
I need to go do something. Something fun. TOMORROW. Or I'll die. From fun deprivation. Fuuuun deprivaaaaation...!
LIST THE THINGS I HAVE TO DO IN ONE HOUR:
Biology - nothin
LA - rough draft of classification paper
US history - constitution work
Japanese - Katakana menu quiz
Math -two assignments
Kay. I'll be okay. Hahaha, riiiight. But I'll stay up all night if I have to.
I WILL. If no one stops me. Please don't stop me. I wanna finish.
-Sigh-
Must get over all the stress and worry of tomorrow.. and get through. It's friday tomorrow.. It'll be okay.
I Hate It
I'm fucking sick of life. And this.. Everything. I'm sick of life. I hate it. I hate these feelings and it sucks. I hate being alone, I hate being lonely, I hate finding what I want and losing everything I need.
WHY do I have to LOSE everything?
WHY ME?
WHY NOT SOMEONE ELSE?
Why does it have to be ME who loses? Why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me? Why can't my life be balanced between happiness and pain? Why ALL PAIN? Why does everyone fall in love, why does everyone get what they want? WHY is it easy for them? Why do they find someone perfect and nice to be with them always? Why can't I? Why can't I? Why can't I?
Why can't someone love me?
Why can't you? Why can't someone? Why can't anyone? Am I that terrible?
Why do I have to be second best to the only one who ever loved me or cared about me in the least? Why does it always end up this way? Why do am I good, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
Why is it never enough? Why do I try to be kind to everyone I meet, why do I offer a shoulder to cry on, why do I do nice things, why do I do it all, when no one gives a fuck about whether I live or die?
Why don't they?
Why can't they?
And when they do, why can't they stay?
WHY?
WHY THE FUCK?
I want to die and I want it all to be GONE. I want you to all go away. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to just be happy. I want you to stop FUCKING with me. I want you to stop hurting me. I want everyone I love to stop hurting me. I want to stop hurting.
SO STOP.
And go away. And I don't want.. My past.. To exist.
I want you to have never been there. I want to be naive of all the wonderful things that could've worked out, if only. I want to not know that the only thing I wanted was there and now gone.
I want.. Anyone, anything, to stay. .. Just stay. Stay and pick me. When in doubt, pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. ... .. crying.
Pick me... Why doesn't anyone?
There's Iris. There's Harmony. It's after school, and we're playing volleyball. They're standing there. They tell us to pair up.. And they choose each other. .. I have to be on my own. They're both great friends of mine.
I'm walking to the locker room. I feel something hit my head hard, and I nearly fall over. A volleyball slams into the back of my head. I take a few steps, shocked and surprise, and the girl it came from covers her mouth in horror, saying many apologies. I laugh and say it's okay, rubbing my head.. Walking to the locker room, it really hurts. My head still buzzes faintly from it. But I had nearly apologized for being in the way and getting hit.
.. So, can someone tell me. What exactly have I done in life.. to deserve all I feel now and each day...
WHY do I have to LOSE everything?
WHY ME?
WHY NOT SOMEONE ELSE?
Why does it have to be ME who loses? Why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me? Why can't my life be balanced between happiness and pain? Why ALL PAIN? Why does everyone fall in love, why does everyone get what they want? WHY is it easy for them? Why do they find someone perfect and nice to be with them always? Why can't I? Why can't I? Why can't I?
Why can't someone love me?
Why can't you? Why can't someone? Why can't anyone? Am I that terrible?
Why do I have to be second best to the only one who ever loved me or cared about me in the least? Why does it always end up this way? Why do am I good, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
Why is it never enough? Why do I try to be kind to everyone I meet, why do I offer a shoulder to cry on, why do I do nice things, why do I do it all, when no one gives a fuck about whether I live or die?
Why don't they?
Why can't they?
And when they do, why can't they stay?
WHY?
WHY THE FUCK?
I want to die and I want it all to be GONE. I want you to all go away. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to just be happy. I want you to stop FUCKING with me. I want you to stop hurting me. I want everyone I love to stop hurting me. I want to stop hurting.
SO STOP.
And go away. And I don't want.. My past.. To exist.
I want you to have never been there. I want to be naive of all the wonderful things that could've worked out, if only. I want to not know that the only thing I wanted was there and now gone.
I want.. Anyone, anything, to stay. .. Just stay. Stay and pick me. When in doubt, pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. ... .. crying.
Pick me... Why doesn't anyone?
There's Iris. There's Harmony. It's after school, and we're playing volleyball. They're standing there. They tell us to pair up.. And they choose each other. .. I have to be on my own. They're both great friends of mine.
I'm walking to the locker room. I feel something hit my head hard, and I nearly fall over. A volleyball slams into the back of my head. I take a few steps, shocked and surprise, and the girl it came from covers her mouth in horror, saying many apologies. I laugh and say it's okay, rubbing my head.. Walking to the locker room, it really hurts. My head still buzzes faintly from it. But I had nearly apologized for being in the way and getting hit.
.. So, can someone tell me. What exactly have I done in life.. to deserve all I feel now and each day...
Suffer
So tell me? Is there love? How do you know you'll finally find the one for you, and will be with them? How many people will you go through? How many breaks in the heart till you die? Is there even a limit? I don't understand how anyone can go on after heartbreak. Especially true heartbreak. It kills you inside, and there's no escaping it. Your soul dies. No outer pain, inner. Most hard to deal with. I don't know how people don't just shove a knife inside in attempt to cut off the pain. And then they would, eventually, if they died. But the realization of 'better' things 'coming' keeps us going. But, I ask, are they coming? Or is this as good as it gets..? Is life on earth really hell, or is it just as we see it? My life is not much more than a lonely hell. A stressful lonely hell. Not much more. Full of deadlines and pressure, little joys and smiles. Not many times that I've felt truly happy. I don't have time to have fun, and my life is a challenge.
I have so many challenges.. My social anxiety is one. It's a part of me, and it's hard to get rid of. Basically, you feel nervous in public, especially when interacting one-on-one with anyone.. Such as giving money to the cashier. You shake and stutter, and you get headaches and get so irritable, you want everyone to shut the hell up and go away. That's how it is for me. How can I have fun at the mall, or anywhere else, when I get unhappy simply at all the people around me? It's hard. I can't really have fun, I noticed. It's such a rare thing. Last time I really remember having fun is when we had a huge water fight with all the little kids on the block. But since then.. Nothing. Maybe giving the strangers candy, but nothing more.
I wish I could have fun. I wish I was normal, and could enjoy myself and laugh. But, it seems I can't. I have to make extra effort to.. It's so hard.
I'm easily stressed and have a hard time concentrating.. My school life is hard, yet somehow I manage.
But I never have fun.. And every day is pain and exhaustion.
I figure, fuck all, it's my fate to suffer. And they damned want me to.
Therefore, I shall.
I have so many challenges.. My social anxiety is one. It's a part of me, and it's hard to get rid of. Basically, you feel nervous in public, especially when interacting one-on-one with anyone.. Such as giving money to the cashier. You shake and stutter, and you get headaches and get so irritable, you want everyone to shut the hell up and go away. That's how it is for me. How can I have fun at the mall, or anywhere else, when I get unhappy simply at all the people around me? It's hard. I can't really have fun, I noticed. It's such a rare thing. Last time I really remember having fun is when we had a huge water fight with all the little kids on the block. But since then.. Nothing. Maybe giving the strangers candy, but nothing more.
I wish I could have fun. I wish I was normal, and could enjoy myself and laugh. But, it seems I can't. I have to make extra effort to.. It's so hard.
I'm easily stressed and have a hard time concentrating.. My school life is hard, yet somehow I manage.
But I never have fun.. And every day is pain and exhaustion.
I figure, fuck all, it's my fate to suffer. And they damned want me to.
Therefore, I shall.
Fret
I wish I could have been with him.
I really do. More than anything.
Sigh.
I'm so tired. I just don't wanna do anything and I want someone to tell me love exists. Because everywhere around me, I see it collapsing. I want love. I want a life. I want my life here to end. I want to go on and get away. Away, from my childhood, my memories, from everything.. So I can start anew.. And I can live with more and less important things.
Poor Wess'.
Denial is pain. Indecision is most painful of all.
And rejection. How many have I had? Well, nothing has ever worked.
My head and my life and soul hurts. It all goes downwards. Spiraling downwards, exhaustion and hardly enough will to continue.
I don't like this.
I never have fun, I never enjoy. I never love nor feel. I want my dreams to become reality and I want everything to bedazzling just for a while. So I can remember, what it's like..
It never works.
Dreams..
How come they don't come true?
I really do. More than anything.
Sigh.
I'm so tired. I just don't wanna do anything and I want someone to tell me love exists. Because everywhere around me, I see it collapsing. I want love. I want a life. I want my life here to end. I want to go on and get away. Away, from my childhood, my memories, from everything.. So I can start anew.. And I can live with more and less important things.
Poor Wess'.
Denial is pain. Indecision is most painful of all.
And rejection. How many have I had? Well, nothing has ever worked.
My head and my life and soul hurts. It all goes downwards. Spiraling downwards, exhaustion and hardly enough will to continue.
I don't like this.
I never have fun, I never enjoy. I never love nor feel. I want my dreams to become reality and I want everything to bedazzling just for a while. So I can remember, what it's like..
It never works.
Dreams..
How come they don't come true?
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Mmmhm
I let my mom read my most recent blog entry. She's a bit.. Unliking of how anyone can see my blog, but I say, there's no reason to have secrets. She says, why can't I talk about happy things? I say it's because, this is my blog, and it doesn't matter. As Gramps said "Please yourself and not others. It doesn't matter what other people think as long as it makes you happy". I talk about the hard things in my life that I have to overcome, and that's what this blog is mostly for. Thoughts and venting. That way I can look on the bright side in my mind, leaving the sad thoughts here so I won't deal with them. That's how it works.
I'm going to bed now.. Goodnight. Hopefully I'll get a lot of rest and be able to wake early to finish homework..
I'm going to bed now.. Goodnight. Hopefully I'll get a lot of rest and be able to wake early to finish homework..
Mom Woes
Been a while..
I just got Shadow of the Colossus from E.B.. God, happy. Joy. I love these games.. Ico is sooo good, I'm cosplaying Yorda from it.. And this game is by the same makers. I haven't even gotten to play it yet.. That makes me sad. Today I was so incredibly tired.... It seemed everyone was. After school especially. I took a nap, but it didn't help.
Anyway.. My mom's trying to figure out how to be with me. I mean.. how to act. She asked me, should she bitch about going down to do my homework, or what? I said "It's my responsibility, it's my choice, you don't need to drag me down or remind me, because if I do badly, it's my fault and that's my decision."
She still has trouble grasping it, and is in general irritated how I switch my plans in the middle.
Like, I said, I would go to bed at about 9:30. It's 9:38, and she asked me what I'm doing. The thing is, I really wanted to get things off my mind on my blog before I went to bed, so I could sleep well. And finish everything up here. So she gets a bit irritated at me, I wish she'd just trust my decisions. She doesn't get the trust thing. When I say trust, she thinks it means that every time I say I will stick to. "I'll be taking a shower at 4" "I'll be down at 10", she holds me to that. But what I really mean is, trust what I decide. If I'm late, it's because I feel I need to be, for whatever reason. Maybe I'm depressed and need to talk to a friend, or something else. But I wish she'd learn to trust me.
The thing is, I was home alone for three days. I was on top of everything, I cleaned the house, I fed the fish and cats.. I did all my homework. So she knows, I'm reliable. But she still can't really.. Let go of really getting me to go and go exactly at a certain time. I like flexibility in my schedule.. That way it can adjust to my mood etc...
She was raised with her mom having a very tight grasp on her schedule and always enforcing the rules.. So she feels she should with me as well, but wants my opinion. I respect that, nice of her. I hope she can eventually adjust to my way, just so I'll be happier and less stressed in general.
I just got Shadow of the Colossus from E.B.. God, happy. Joy. I love these games.. Ico is sooo good, I'm cosplaying Yorda from it.. And this game is by the same makers. I haven't even gotten to play it yet.. That makes me sad. Today I was so incredibly tired.... It seemed everyone was. After school especially. I took a nap, but it didn't help.
Anyway.. My mom's trying to figure out how to be with me. I mean.. how to act. She asked me, should she bitch about going down to do my homework, or what? I said "It's my responsibility, it's my choice, you don't need to drag me down or remind me, because if I do badly, it's my fault and that's my decision."
She still has trouble grasping it, and is in general irritated how I switch my plans in the middle.
Like, I said, I would go to bed at about 9:30. It's 9:38, and she asked me what I'm doing. The thing is, I really wanted to get things off my mind on my blog before I went to bed, so I could sleep well. And finish everything up here. So she gets a bit irritated at me, I wish she'd just trust my decisions. She doesn't get the trust thing. When I say trust, she thinks it means that every time I say I will stick to. "I'll be taking a shower at 4" "I'll be down at 10", she holds me to that. But what I really mean is, trust what I decide. If I'm late, it's because I feel I need to be, for whatever reason. Maybe I'm depressed and need to talk to a friend, or something else. But I wish she'd learn to trust me.
The thing is, I was home alone for three days. I was on top of everything, I cleaned the house, I fed the fish and cats.. I did all my homework. So she knows, I'm reliable. But she still can't really.. Let go of really getting me to go and go exactly at a certain time. I like flexibility in my schedule.. That way it can adjust to my mood etc...
She was raised with her mom having a very tight grasp on her schedule and always enforcing the rules.. So she feels she should with me as well, but wants my opinion. I respect that, nice of her. I hope she can eventually adjust to my way, just so I'll be happier and less stressed in general.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
School
Today was an exhausting day. I'm dead tired and very hungry. Wah. Mr. Kantinas really pushes us to our limit. It's only Tuesday and I already need to wash my gym clothes and should take a good shower. But I'm tired..
Not much happened...
I have B's, A's, and one N. N means no credit. Which sucks. But it's mostly because I have one test to make up in that class.. Japanese. Oh well. It's really hard. Today Tashibu sensei had a sort of teary passion breakdown..
"I love to teach Japanese, my home country.." and then she gets teary eyes as she goes on. Was surprising. I guess she's frustrated with the class and our tendency to copy each other.. Mm.
Anyway.. I was surprised to not have any C's... An A- in my L.A. class.. Gosh I'm glad. The classes are so hard this year..
Every one of my teachers has very strict rules about things.. Such as absences. In one class you can't make up tests, in another you have to do it the next day.. So it was really hard to catch up from when I was sick.
There are no classes that I can slack off in.. Not one.
This year I have Biology, LA, US History, Japanese, Weight Training, and Math. All things that are hard for me.
Too tired to write more.. Bleh. Later.
Not much happened...
I have B's, A's, and one N. N means no credit. Which sucks. But it's mostly because I have one test to make up in that class.. Japanese. Oh well. It's really hard. Today Tashibu sensei had a sort of teary passion breakdown..
"I love to teach Japanese, my home country.." and then she gets teary eyes as she goes on. Was surprising. I guess she's frustrated with the class and our tendency to copy each other.. Mm.
Anyway.. I was surprised to not have any C's... An A- in my L.A. class.. Gosh I'm glad. The classes are so hard this year..
Every one of my teachers has very strict rules about things.. Such as absences. In one class you can't make up tests, in another you have to do it the next day.. So it was really hard to catch up from when I was sick.
There are no classes that I can slack off in.. Not one.
This year I have Biology, LA, US History, Japanese, Weight Training, and Math. All things that are hard for me.
Too tired to write more.. Bleh. Later.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Prayer.
To thy almighty god I praaay.. Ooooohmmmmnnnnnnn...... Oh wait, that's buddhism..? hooo.
Kidding.
Anyway. I HOPE FATE ISN'T FUCKING WITH ME!
STOP MAKING ME MEET GUYS ON THE INTERNET! STOP! STOP~!
Two long distance relationships so far. Two that failed. Two that were dumb. I DON'T WANT A THIRD.
Yes.
So, I hope, that I can keep to myself any attachment I get for no reason whatsoever to the next guy I talk to. *points at him*
YOU. Don't let me do anything. I'm an evil stalker from hell that will make your life a living hell!
Ask Michael. Don't ask Zandry, because he's silly and thinks well of me. Michael would know, I'm a clingy bitchy ravenous romantic shitty person. To boys. No, Elizabeth, don't argue. I'm evil, pure evil. I'll make your life suck. Yeah. So if you talk to me, don't let me like.. Hell if I know.. Don't let me be dumb. Don't let me like you too much. Because if I do, you're screwed.
My brain doesn't work when my heart takes over. And the only way you get out of it if my heart comes in.. Well... Is by clearly breaking it.
So don't learn the hard way.
Those who are exceedingly lonely and never speak tend to be real freaks inside and need some way to let it out. I talk to people, spill out my heart and soul to them, and whoever I give it to I tend to get attached to. It sucks. Because it's really stupid.
Considering every guy here ignores me, I get a little bit attached to the least bit of attention or care. I even gave this guy my email and talked about how I remembered him and asked him stuff, asked him to please email me, and I didn't get a word. And that was a guy who seemed to like me. The rest are just like 'oh, that person, whatever'
So yeah. Please please please please don't let me get attached.
Consider yourself warned.
Kidding.
Anyway. I HOPE FATE ISN'T FUCKING WITH ME!
STOP MAKING ME MEET GUYS ON THE INTERNET! STOP! STOP~!
Two long distance relationships so far. Two that failed. Two that were dumb. I DON'T WANT A THIRD.
Yes.
So, I hope, that I can keep to myself any attachment I get for no reason whatsoever to the next guy I talk to. *points at him*
YOU. Don't let me do anything. I'm an evil stalker from hell that will make your life a living hell!
Ask Michael. Don't ask Zandry, because he's silly and thinks well of me. Michael would know, I'm a clingy bitchy ravenous romantic shitty person. To boys. No, Elizabeth, don't argue. I'm evil, pure evil. I'll make your life suck. Yeah. So if you talk to me, don't let me like.. Hell if I know.. Don't let me be dumb. Don't let me like you too much. Because if I do, you're screwed.
My brain doesn't work when my heart takes over. And the only way you get out of it if my heart comes in.. Well... Is by clearly breaking it.
So don't learn the hard way.
Those who are exceedingly lonely and never speak tend to be real freaks inside and need some way to let it out. I talk to people, spill out my heart and soul to them, and whoever I give it to I tend to get attached to. It sucks. Because it's really stupid.
Considering every guy here ignores me, I get a little bit attached to the least bit of attention or care. I even gave this guy my email and talked about how I remembered him and asked him stuff, asked him to please email me, and I didn't get a word. And that was a guy who seemed to like me. The rest are just like 'oh, that person, whatever'
So yeah. Please please please please don't let me get attached.
Consider yourself warned.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Ick.. Ick ick ick..
I'm nervous and tangled up in thoughts. ... .. Why do I get sad every night?
My hands are clammy and can't stay still.
"What time is it?" I look up
"11:03..." I say quietly
"Ah! Pill time."
"Hah.. Yeah... But I don't want to go down yet"
"How come?"
"I.. just.. writing helps." Tangle my fingers in my hair
"Well, do you want me to bring the pill to you?"
"I.. just.. Will go down at like 11:30.. I need to unwind.. I could just take it then.."
"Nah, I'll bring it to you"
"Okay..."
"And I understand what you mean"
"Mm....."
She comes back up, a glass of milk in a magenta clear cup and pill.
--
When she goes back down..
Tears well up in my eyes. Just writing that, because I think, I'm such a freak. I need pills to be normal. And even that doesn't work. I can't be normal if I try. I can't fit, I can't understand.
The tears against warm skin are almost calming. Feel it roll down very slowly, just below eyes. Like a sigh.
I wipe my eyes. And try to clear my mind.
But something tells me, unless I let it go, it'll never let me alone.
Saying what you deny, that's what really makes tears come. Because hearing yourself say it, you're admitting that everything is not okay.
--
Talking to Zandry. He doesn't know how to comfort people. I try to teach him. Just doing that actually makes me feel a bit better.
I tell him, funny stories and happy stories are key. I teach him how. He tells me a funny story. I grin. I share another. So now he knows how, and I feel a bit better. Still nervous though.
My hands are clammy and can't stay still.
"What time is it?" I look up
"11:03..." I say quietly
"Ah! Pill time."
"Hah.. Yeah... But I don't want to go down yet"
"How come?"
"I.. just.. writing helps." Tangle my fingers in my hair
"Well, do you want me to bring the pill to you?"
"I.. just.. Will go down at like 11:30.. I need to unwind.. I could just take it then.."
"Nah, I'll bring it to you"
"Okay..."
"And I understand what you mean"
"Mm....."
She comes back up, a glass of milk in a magenta clear cup and pill.
--
When she goes back down..
Tears well up in my eyes. Just writing that, because I think, I'm such a freak. I need pills to be normal. And even that doesn't work. I can't be normal if I try. I can't fit, I can't understand.
The tears against warm skin are almost calming. Feel it roll down very slowly, just below eyes. Like a sigh.
I wipe my eyes. And try to clear my mind.
But something tells me, unless I let it go, it'll never let me alone.
Saying what you deny, that's what really makes tears come. Because hearing yourself say it, you're admitting that everything is not okay.
--
Talking to Zandry. He doesn't know how to comfort people. I try to teach him. Just doing that actually makes me feel a bit better.
I tell him, funny stories and happy stories are key. I teach him how. He tells me a funny story. I grin. I share another. So now he knows how, and I feel a bit better. Still nervous though.
Message Through The Window -Picture
Read my previous story please to understand.
I left this this morning. Hahaha.
I left this this morning. Hahaha.
How I Spend My Life (~love..less~)
Now I'm all gloomy again. I wanna write, but I don't know what.
Hands feel clean. As does hair. Very very soft. Silky smooth. Lovely.. Smells slightly of herbs or something. Cotton dress pajamas.. Comfortable, simple. A very dull green with intricate cream colored flower stem and leaf pattern, small.
A watch on my left arm. A yawn billows through. I lean my head to rest on my shoulder, silky smooth pajama top.
Bare legs and feet, but I'm not cold. Legs are smooth but just a tad hinting prickle, but not much at all. My left hand still has chipped pink nail polish from Princess Day at school.
A band-aid sits on the desk from earlier, when my hands reached to my face and reopened any wounds, causing me to bleed. Therefore I get a small band-aid and stick it at the source, my jaw line. It's fine now.
I smell faintly of soap. My hair is cool when I run my fingers through it, because it has just dried.
Feels nice indeed..
My eyes ache, though. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. So I waste away here, sitting awkwardly.
Hopeless romantic.. It never ends. Every day I think of it. Every day. Not every week, every day.. *sigh*
I think of holding someone's hand. I think of a kiss. I think of someone to grin at. I think of how fun it would be. I think of all the things I'd show him and tell him about.. I think of the funny things we'd do. We'd make fools of ourselves for sure. We'd dress up crazy, paint our faces white and go around looking like ghosts. We'd wear boxes on our heads and walk down the street hand in hand, later cracking up.
We'd stop in mid-stide to stare up at the sky for a long time, just to make people wonder what we were looking at.
I think of it every day. I think of watching the clouds. I think of whispering. I think of dancing, I think of going out late at night to watch the stars. I think of having someone to share such moments with.
Why do I have to..?
It only makes it all hurt. Makes it all a lot less fun, when you can't enjoy it alone.
It only makes me want.. Want something more than what life and fate seems to want to give me. I look so hard for it, but all it brings me is sorrow. Is it so much to ask, to have someone to share it with..? Is it such a bad thing to want to share something wonderful and make someone happy and be happy?
More than anything I love giving. And what's the use, when there's no one to give to?
I want to find someone who'll make me free. But I can't..
I'm so wanting to find someone. But I have to wait.. And that's all I can do. If I look too hard, I won't find him. I get closer with each one I fall for, but it never works. Closer and closer to perfect..
Yet.. Something gets in the way. They love someone else, the distance, or they never loved me in the first place. Something always goes wrong.
So, I wonder, will I ever get what I'm looking for? The only people I've ever loved are miles and miles away, I've never seen nor touched hand to any of my loved ones. They fade away before I can even reach that far.
It's so hard to find such wonderful people so far away, and people who you love, but their lives.. you can never be a part of.
It's like watching something that could have been wonderful disappear. Something so close but so far. Like having something held in front of you and then taken away before it reaches your hands. That's why sometimes, when I feel like screaming, I say I'm in a limbo. Limbo, in between hell and heaven. Where I feel neither happiness or pain. Numbness. I feel so numb. Alone and empty.
When I couldn't decide, when they couldn't, it was even worse. I don't know whether to be happy or to be sad, whether to prepare for pain or joy.
My life is limbo. Fate gives me wonderful things, and then takes them away from me. Happy, then sad. Then happy for another short lingering moment. How I wish it would stay.
Desperate, I may sound to you. But your motives are unlike mine. I am one of kindness and my only joy comes from kindness. Having no one to be kind to.... It is like being dead.. it makes life pointless. You may want riches, you may want success, but all I want from life is love and happiness. I don't care how my life is, as long as it's happy and full of love. I grow weary as time goes on, and all the signs of this ever happening are low. Restless and unknowing if my life will be pointless and unfruitful. I wonder..
I wish I had a sign, some faith, that fate had something in the future for me. That I will truly love and be loved, that I will be happy. I can't know.. I just wait.
Days go by, and it's always the same. The boys are shallow-minded.. The girls are powdered... Stereotypes and mocking, fighting and bickering, noisy crowds and not much thought paid to myself. Those who glance, I try to be approachable to them, but still they say nothing to me. Those who find any interest are too cowardly to take a step forward, or mean nothing by looking unlike the rest.
I can't find anyone who can really understand how I view life and how I enjoy it. I don't find anyone who takes the time to talk to me and really cares what I think or do. Boys especially. I guess I'm just another face in the crowd. So, it worries me. I've never dated, I've never kissed, I've never hugged, never held hands, I've never done a thing, ever. A sophomore in high school, yet still. Nothing ever changes.
So I hope things will come clear in the future. Someone has to find me.. Someday.
Hands feel clean. As does hair. Very very soft. Silky smooth. Lovely.. Smells slightly of herbs or something. Cotton dress pajamas.. Comfortable, simple. A very dull green with intricate cream colored flower stem and leaf pattern, small.
A watch on my left arm. A yawn billows through. I lean my head to rest on my shoulder, silky smooth pajama top.
Bare legs and feet, but I'm not cold. Legs are smooth but just a tad hinting prickle, but not much at all. My left hand still has chipped pink nail polish from Princess Day at school.
A band-aid sits on the desk from earlier, when my hands reached to my face and reopened any wounds, causing me to bleed. Therefore I get a small band-aid and stick it at the source, my jaw line. It's fine now.
I smell faintly of soap. My hair is cool when I run my fingers through it, because it has just dried.
Feels nice indeed..
My eyes ache, though. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. So I waste away here, sitting awkwardly.
Hopeless romantic.. It never ends. Every day I think of it. Every day. Not every week, every day.. *sigh*
I think of holding someone's hand. I think of a kiss. I think of someone to grin at. I think of how fun it would be. I think of all the things I'd show him and tell him about.. I think of the funny things we'd do. We'd make fools of ourselves for sure. We'd dress up crazy, paint our faces white and go around looking like ghosts. We'd wear boxes on our heads and walk down the street hand in hand, later cracking up.
We'd stop in mid-stide to stare up at the sky for a long time, just to make people wonder what we were looking at.
I think of it every day. I think of watching the clouds. I think of whispering. I think of dancing, I think of going out late at night to watch the stars. I think of having someone to share such moments with.
Why do I have to..?
It only makes it all hurt. Makes it all a lot less fun, when you can't enjoy it alone.
It only makes me want.. Want something more than what life and fate seems to want to give me. I look so hard for it, but all it brings me is sorrow. Is it so much to ask, to have someone to share it with..? Is it such a bad thing to want to share something wonderful and make someone happy and be happy?
More than anything I love giving. And what's the use, when there's no one to give to?
I want to find someone who'll make me free. But I can't..
I'm so wanting to find someone. But I have to wait.. And that's all I can do. If I look too hard, I won't find him. I get closer with each one I fall for, but it never works. Closer and closer to perfect..
Yet.. Something gets in the way. They love someone else, the distance, or they never loved me in the first place. Something always goes wrong.
So, I wonder, will I ever get what I'm looking for? The only people I've ever loved are miles and miles away, I've never seen nor touched hand to any of my loved ones. They fade away before I can even reach that far.
It's so hard to find such wonderful people so far away, and people who you love, but their lives.. you can never be a part of.
It's like watching something that could have been wonderful disappear. Something so close but so far. Like having something held in front of you and then taken away before it reaches your hands. That's why sometimes, when I feel like screaming, I say I'm in a limbo. Limbo, in between hell and heaven. Where I feel neither happiness or pain. Numbness. I feel so numb. Alone and empty.
When I couldn't decide, when they couldn't, it was even worse. I don't know whether to be happy or to be sad, whether to prepare for pain or joy.
My life is limbo. Fate gives me wonderful things, and then takes them away from me. Happy, then sad. Then happy for another short lingering moment. How I wish it would stay.
Desperate, I may sound to you. But your motives are unlike mine. I am one of kindness and my only joy comes from kindness. Having no one to be kind to.... It is like being dead.. it makes life pointless. You may want riches, you may want success, but all I want from life is love and happiness. I don't care how my life is, as long as it's happy and full of love. I grow weary as time goes on, and all the signs of this ever happening are low. Restless and unknowing if my life will be pointless and unfruitful. I wonder..
I wish I had a sign, some faith, that fate had something in the future for me. That I will truly love and be loved, that I will be happy. I can't know.. I just wait.
Days go by, and it's always the same. The boys are shallow-minded.. The girls are powdered... Stereotypes and mocking, fighting and bickering, noisy crowds and not much thought paid to myself. Those who glance, I try to be approachable to them, but still they say nothing to me. Those who find any interest are too cowardly to take a step forward, or mean nothing by looking unlike the rest.
I can't find anyone who can really understand how I view life and how I enjoy it. I don't find anyone who takes the time to talk to me and really cares what I think or do. Boys especially. I guess I'm just another face in the crowd. So, it worries me. I've never dated, I've never kissed, I've never hugged, never held hands, I've never done a thing, ever. A sophomore in high school, yet still. Nothing ever changes.
So I hope things will come clear in the future. Someone has to find me.. Someday.
Hehe
Yeah, she closed her curtains and went to sleep at about 2. Smart of her, I'm bad.
I took a shower at 2:19 AM... Hahhaha, oh my god.
*shakes head*
I'm tired.. But I wanna finish my homework. That way I can sleep all day tomorrow without worries.. besides feeding the fish and doing general stuff.
My eyes.. they burn =P
I took a shower at 2:19 AM... Hahhaha, oh my god.
*shakes head*
I'm tired.. But I wanna finish my homework. That way I can sleep all day tomorrow without worries.. besides feeding the fish and doing general stuff.
My eyes.. they burn =P
Haha
I just realized she wasn't wearing pants before (just underwear). Poor gal. At least it's just me, 15 year old Tanya, who can see her. Anyway, she put on some sweat pants ^ ^;;;
I feel awkward having her be able to see me, but it must be the same way for her. Ahaha..
I feel awkward having her be able to see me, but it must be the same way for her. Ahaha..
Messages Through The Window
I'm happy now.
I pasted a huge sign that said "HELLO!" on the window..
I see her looking.
I just pasted a huge grin face. :D
This is fun.
I pasted a huge sign that said "HELLO!" on the window..
I see her looking.
I just pasted a huge grin face. :D
This is fun.
Cry-ish
I feel cry-ish, very cry-ish. Cry-ish cry-ish cry-ish.
It's night. It's night. It's night. And it's dark. I'm not afraid. But I'm sad.
Hug.
Need a hug. Again.
Need a kiss, a goodnight joke. Damn memory, damn the falseness of it all.
Damn it for being lovely.
It was lovely.
Sad.
Sad sad sad. .....
Until I looked out the window.
Laying on her bed is a lady who looks to be 25. The light is on, so you can see right in, but no one can see but me.
She sees me too.
I walk by, glance, pretend I don't notice. I sneak up, and bring my silver balloon. I hide and tie it so it goes floating up, wondering if she can see it. Something pretty to look at. She looks bored.
It's night. It's night. It's night. And it's dark. I'm not afraid. But I'm sad.
Hug.
Need a hug. Again.
Need a kiss, a goodnight joke. Damn memory, damn the falseness of it all.
Damn it for being lovely.
It was lovely.
Sad.
Sad sad sad. .....
Until I looked out the window.
Laying on her bed is a lady who looks to be 25. The light is on, so you can see right in, but no one can see but me.
She sees me too.
I walk by, glance, pretend I don't notice. I sneak up, and bring my silver balloon. I hide and tie it so it goes floating up, wondering if she can see it. Something pretty to look at. She looks bored.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Why I Love Being Home Alone
I.. Love.. It!
More than anything in the world, literally.
Why..?
*says in a deep echoing voice* "THE DESTINY OF THE HOUSE IS IN YOUR HANDS"
*laughs with a sarcastic snort*
Because.. It pauses the entire world for three days. It pauses my world, my life. No words, no one telling you or asking you to do anything. EVERYTHING is your choice. If you clean something, it's because you want to, not because mom said to.
Something feels so powerful and amazing about this, it makes me feel alive. It makes me laugh, and it makes me so so happy. Like I have a life. Like my life.. is ... free. Like I'm free. That's how I feel. Like for once in my life, I'm actually truly happy and content.
"I feel like that now because I'm alone and went out after dark to buy candy
it felt cool, because no one's there to worry, and tell me when to come back and what to worry about. It's really a liberating feeling. Nothing weighing you down"
Yeah. I feel like I could float away in this happy feeling I'm getting.
I cleaned the whole bathroom (except the tub, already clean)... Washed the walls, floor, toilet, sink... I emptied the waste basket and washed it out, and put it back.
I vacuumed once yesterday, and again today. And then I sorted the mail into neat stacks on the coffee table. I swept the kitchen, cleaned up Cocoa's barf twice (kitty is evil)... And then I rolled up the video game controllers, set them where they belong, and put away the pencils laying on the desks, and crushed the cans, washed out the orange juice containers, put them in the recycling.
I put away my mom's and Carson's shoes...
Then I went downstairs and did the laundry, dark clothes and my gym clothes.... Put them in the dryer... Got them out, folded my laundry and put it away, and put my gym clothes in a clean bag.
I did my homework.. Well.. I did the page of biology, the U.S. history constitution work, and most of the Japanese.
I brought in the garbage can yesterday, and the recycling today (dragged them up the stairs and put them where they belong outside).
I swept the living room a bit... Brought in the newspaper. Fed the fish, the cats..
Then I hung up my clothes on the floor, made my bed... Threw away my candy wrappers, counted my money and put it all in my bank.
I cleaned out my lunch, got a better lunch box.. Put angel food cake in the fridge..
I ordered a pizza today, and payed with a two dollar tip for the 13 dollar pizza.
I put my shoes on the rack and changed my clothes, and put the rest down the laundry chute.
Last night I walked down to Bartel Drugs, and bought a bag of Rollo candy, and a silver star balloon. I next bought a hot chocolate at starbucks. On the walk home (after dark, at about 7), I gave two strangers waiting for the bus a candy.
Hehe. Fun.
More than anything in the world, literally.
Why..?
*says in a deep echoing voice* "THE DESTINY OF THE HOUSE IS IN YOUR HANDS"
*laughs with a sarcastic snort*
Because.. It pauses the entire world for three days. It pauses my world, my life. No words, no one telling you or asking you to do anything. EVERYTHING is your choice. If you clean something, it's because you want to, not because mom said to.
Something feels so powerful and amazing about this, it makes me feel alive. It makes me laugh, and it makes me so so happy. Like I have a life. Like my life.. is ... free. Like I'm free. That's how I feel. Like for once in my life, I'm actually truly happy and content.
"I feel like that now because I'm alone and went out after dark to buy candy
it felt cool, because no one's there to worry, and tell me when to come back and what to worry about. It's really a liberating feeling. Nothing weighing you down"
Yeah. I feel like I could float away in this happy feeling I'm getting.
I cleaned the whole bathroom (except the tub, already clean)... Washed the walls, floor, toilet, sink... I emptied the waste basket and washed it out, and put it back.
I vacuumed once yesterday, and again today. And then I sorted the mail into neat stacks on the coffee table. I swept the kitchen, cleaned up Cocoa's barf twice (kitty is evil)... And then I rolled up the video game controllers, set them where they belong, and put away the pencils laying on the desks, and crushed the cans, washed out the orange juice containers, put them in the recycling.
I put away my mom's and Carson's shoes...
Then I went downstairs and did the laundry, dark clothes and my gym clothes.... Put them in the dryer... Got them out, folded my laundry and put it away, and put my gym clothes in a clean bag.
I did my homework.. Well.. I did the page of biology, the U.S. history constitution work, and most of the Japanese.
I brought in the garbage can yesterday, and the recycling today (dragged them up the stairs and put them where they belong outside).
I swept the living room a bit... Brought in the newspaper. Fed the fish, the cats..
Then I hung up my clothes on the floor, made my bed... Threw away my candy wrappers, counted my money and put it all in my bank.
I cleaned out my lunch, got a better lunch box.. Put angel food cake in the fridge..
I ordered a pizza today, and payed with a two dollar tip for the 13 dollar pizza.
I put my shoes on the rack and changed my clothes, and put the rest down the laundry chute.
Last night I walked down to Bartel Drugs, and bought a bag of Rollo candy, and a silver star balloon. I next bought a hot chocolate at starbucks. On the walk home (after dark, at about 7), I gave two strangers waiting for the bus a candy.
Hehe. Fun.
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