Read and memorize
Make a wish come true
And you can telephone free
Eyes and ears and mouth and nose
In a face that you compose
But it cuts you like never before
It’s so hard to ignore
You want so much and then you want some more
Somehow your appetite grows
You’d just love what you can’t possess
You know it’s out there somewhere
Distance myself from the things I’d like but
Everyone has something I need
Don’t let me wake up & find
All those others leaving me behind
If you don’t have a clue about life
Then I’m happy to say neither have I
Give me a story and give me a bed
Give me possessions
Oh love luck and money they go to my head like wildfire
It’s good to have something to live for you’ll find
Live for tomorrow
And did you know desire’s a terrible thing
The worst that I could find
And did you know desire’s a terrible thing
But I rely on mine
Did you know desire’s a terrible thing
It makes the world go blind
But if desire, desire’s a terrible thing
You know that I really don’t mind
-Sundays
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
What?
My gloom shouldn't spread, damn it! It's my gloom alone, gawd.
Oh crap, you stole it. Arrrg.. *whack whack* Give it back!!!! I don't want to give you my gloom and then be happy and then have you be all gloomy. That's not how it should wooork!!!!!!!!
No being gloomy. That's my job.
Oh crap, you stole it. Arrrg.. *whack whack* Give it back!!!! I don't want to give you my gloom and then be happy and then have you be all gloomy. That's not how it should wooork!!!!!!!!
No being gloomy. That's my job.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Not to Be Confused
Lick dry lips as my eyes drop from screen to hands and back. Warm moist palms and my clothes drape along my form, and the icky contaminated feeling hangs and sticks like sweat. All songs end soon before I even think to mouth the words. Hair falls in the way, but there it stays, unwilling to touch it. I save each word and each word rings in my mind before is slips in with the rest I remember.
I'll pretend I'm sad just so I can smile.
But I am sad, aren't I? Yes, I was, until you showed up. Did you know that I smile even when I'm unhappy? I can smile when I'm sad. And when I'm angry. Which is a pity. Because you'll assume I'm happy and you'll assume it's funny, when it's not, and I'm not. I may smile at what is said, but what was done is making me upset. The bad is, 'You're laughing!! Stop pretending to be mad!' I'm not pretending to be mad, I am mad, but I'm laughing. My body doesn't agree with my emotions, sometimes. I laugh when I'm really, really sad, sometimes. I'll smile, because what can I do...? Laughing and laughing, trying to pretend it's all okay.
I'll pretend I'm sad just so I can smile.
But I am sad, aren't I? Yes, I was, until you showed up. Did you know that I smile even when I'm unhappy? I can smile when I'm sad. And when I'm angry. Which is a pity. Because you'll assume I'm happy and you'll assume it's funny, when it's not, and I'm not. I may smile at what is said, but what was done is making me upset. The bad is, 'You're laughing!! Stop pretending to be mad!' I'm not pretending to be mad, I am mad, but I'm laughing. My body doesn't agree with my emotions, sometimes. I laugh when I'm really, really sad, sometimes. I'll smile, because what can I do...? Laughing and laughing, trying to pretend it's all okay.
Unsure Of Words
Never really know what to say. The time goes and I find myself enjoying less and less. Well, that doesn't sound nice.. Just.... The smallest things run out and I hardly savor them anymore. Eating is a bother and I lose sleep. Tell me, how do you all enjoy life? I question how..
Negativity is all the news is... If you watch it too long, you'll be convinced the world is ending. So I don't watch the news.
--
I love the lyrics of Cocteau Twins as they're mostly for the sound... Pretty.
--
Again. Unsure what to say. Future and fate are the two most haunting things. What happens after this? Never will know. Don't know who I'll hurt and what will hurt me, I have to take things as they come. It bothers me... I don't know what will last and what to expect. What can you do but be numb..? Numb and hope for the best. A sigh, as that somedays, pain seems to overthrow the happy moments. I wonder how to savor it and how to enjoy it.
But... .. There are little things that make it worth it.. I suppose.
Eh.. A lot of days I get into these 'it's useless, why bother' sort of moods.. It's not unusual for me. You already know. The whole dreamer but dreams don't come true thing. Eh, it's a real downer. My fear of ever day things also makes it a bit... hard. School scares me. T__T I don't like itttt... So many chances to screw up and such.. *a sigh* Don't know why it worries me but... I'm out of practice. Unknowing how to please and failing. A true loser you could say. A true loner. I haven't been to one party nor seen one friend all summer... Even though I can. I called one once.. But.. ... ..
*chuckles* I'm forgotten, because I've forgotten everyone, I suppose. I hope they're all doing well... But I'll never really know.
Negativity is all the news is... If you watch it too long, you'll be convinced the world is ending. So I don't watch the news.
--
I love the lyrics of Cocteau Twins as they're mostly for the sound... Pretty.
--
Again. Unsure what to say. Future and fate are the two most haunting things. What happens after this? Never will know. Don't know who I'll hurt and what will hurt me, I have to take things as they come. It bothers me... I don't know what will last and what to expect. What can you do but be numb..? Numb and hope for the best. A sigh, as that somedays, pain seems to overthrow the happy moments. I wonder how to savor it and how to enjoy it.
But... .. There are little things that make it worth it.. I suppose.
Eh.. A lot of days I get into these 'it's useless, why bother' sort of moods.. It's not unusual for me. You already know. The whole dreamer but dreams don't come true thing. Eh, it's a real downer. My fear of ever day things also makes it a bit... hard. School scares me. T__T I don't like itttt... So many chances to screw up and such.. *a sigh* Don't know why it worries me but... I'm out of practice. Unknowing how to please and failing. A true loser you could say. A true loner. I haven't been to one party nor seen one friend all summer... Even though I can. I called one once.. But.. ... ..
*chuckles* I'm forgotten, because I've forgotten everyone, I suppose. I hope they're all doing well... But I'll never really know.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Dream of the End
Last night I thought
the world would end
Last night I dreamt
the buildings would bend
in the wind and the cold
that our home would send
The waves soon
swept over
nothing left over
but the stars and sky
And I had wings
but still couldn’t fly
So I watched the world
slowly sink
the night covered
like black ink
And all that remained
were the sky and stars
We reached out our hands
but they were too far
We yelled our last words
but they couldn’t hear
and the waves chewed
and swallowed
world gone out
carved hollow
and the sky and the stars
watched alone
the world would end
Last night I dreamt
the buildings would bend
in the wind and the cold
that our home would send
The waves soon
swept over
nothing left over
but the stars and sky
And I had wings
but still couldn’t fly
So I watched the world
slowly sink
the night covered
like black ink
And all that remained
were the sky and stars
We reached out our hands
but they were too far
We yelled our last words
but they couldn’t hear
and the waves chewed
and swallowed
world gone out
carved hollow
and the sky and the stars
watched alone
Today
First we drove down to Seattle Center..
"Do you suppose he's ever been on one of those?" She points to the carousel.
"huh.. I wouldn't know. What an odd thought."
"Hehe, would be romantic"
"eh.. would it?"
"yup"
Dad and Carson went around to the arcade and other places, and we headed straight for the monorail. We took it down to Pike Place Market. We wandered around the little shops, weaving through the huge crowd in such a narrow place.. A street guy was singing loudly, trying to sell his flowers, and a little crowd had gathered to watch. We went into little stores of antiques, and I saw Raggedy Andy. For sake of memory I bought him, happy to carry around a doll. Made me feel like a child again.
There are all these funny 50 cent fortune telling machines, so I did one. It had creepy laughter, red eyes glowing and hands moving.. and then the card came out the bottom.
It said:
Happiness is found one day at a time.
You are a very loving individual, but you can sometimes be your own worst enemy. If you think before you act, you will be happier and healthier, too.
Lucky numbers: 27, 43, 35, 7, 8
I stuck the card in my pocket.
Bought myself a large bouquet of flowers as well..
We went inside a building, mall-ish place.. and I noted the candy store. Went inside looking for Jelly Belly's. I wanted to buy Zandry a pack of Jelly Belly's, his favorite candy. So I got a can of 49 flavors.. I then noted the Jelly Belly lip balm on the counter, and laughed and got one of those too. You can guess why.
"Do you suppose he's ever been on one of those?" She points to the carousel.
"huh.. I wouldn't know. What an odd thought."
"Hehe, would be romantic"
"eh.. would it?"
"yup"
Dad and Carson went around to the arcade and other places, and we headed straight for the monorail. We took it down to Pike Place Market. We wandered around the little shops, weaving through the huge crowd in such a narrow place.. A street guy was singing loudly, trying to sell his flowers, and a little crowd had gathered to watch. We went into little stores of antiques, and I saw Raggedy Andy. For sake of memory I bought him, happy to carry around a doll. Made me feel like a child again.
There are all these funny 50 cent fortune telling machines, so I did one. It had creepy laughter, red eyes glowing and hands moving.. and then the card came out the bottom.
It said:
Happiness is found one day at a time.
You are a very loving individual, but you can sometimes be your own worst enemy. If you think before you act, you will be happier and healthier, too.
Lucky numbers: 27, 43, 35, 7, 8
I stuck the card in my pocket.
Bought myself a large bouquet of flowers as well..
We went inside a building, mall-ish place.. and I noted the candy store. Went inside looking for Jelly Belly's. I wanted to buy Zandry a pack of Jelly Belly's, his favorite candy. So I got a can of 49 flavors.. I then noted the Jelly Belly lip balm on the counter, and laughed and got one of those too. You can guess why.
What Could it All Mean?
A sort of plastic flavor. A feeling of remorseful rememberance. A dayless month and a hourless minute. Fact upon fact, we know less. We felt less. We heard and we felt, but we could never see. Life unlived and a tempted feeling of importance. Egos to die for. Words like knives and knives here are like plastic. Less threat? Still draw blood.
Colorful icons and dressed up lives. Sleepless dreamers and deadly buissness. Dread for the next time. The next day. Another test, more or less skill. What is skill? Just being able to say, you did what you said you would. You could. You tried and you did. Success means nothing unless you’re unwilling to discover the other things that come in the midst of failure. You wanted to climb up there, but you made it to the bottom. You failed. But it makes no difference. A label to stick on to punish of what was expected.
Cold eyes freeze, frozen go dead, dead are blind. Tepid don’t melt but you know what you felt.
Ramblings of a dreamer and not much time. A lot of time. But eyes closed and everything fades as everything grows near. Lot of fear. Fear fear fear of what? Of the unexpected. Small minds have little worries. But imagination brings out the pain of the days. From the what if to the what happened. Confusion and you’re going in circles. Danger of the dark. Sleepless nights remembering what I should have done, what I haven’t done, what I wish. Wishes are endless. They may die but they never fade. They grow and grow, until your life becomes a wish. A wish for tomorrow, a wish that usually fails. Wish failed, you failed. It sputters and dies. But you can turn the key a few more times.
Wordless and lips burn of what’s unsaid. Choking on my tongue. Fatigue and a lifetime of everything but life! In your head and enjoying it. Dancing in the moonbeams and kissing beloved. Running the streets and talking to those who never speak. Laughing at the lies and the pain and the things that shouldn’t be laughed at. Holding out a hand to everyone who needs it. Running for what you can’t. Sleeping outside and counting raindrops. Endless time, nothing in mind. Warm hugs and slips of smiles. Wake up and you die. But why? It’s all the possible. But restriction and constriction graps your neck and you’re dying. Dying each day with what you can’t say, what time tells, what hands may never touch... It’s all to much. What you may never convey.. Each day. You wake up before you die, so do you dream when you do die? The dying are the dreaming. Inside I’m mostly sleeping. But sleep, brother of death. Not my quote and not my idea, but it works.
Dreaming of a taste of that. And dreaming of the day when it doesn’t die. Dreaming of a taste of heaven.. Doesn’t everyone? Heaven is so close but so far, and it has many disguises. But even the closest can be the farthest. And what if the farthest aren’t really closest? In vain.
My rambling turns from nonsense to reality and back again.
Colorful icons and dressed up lives. Sleepless dreamers and deadly buissness. Dread for the next time. The next day. Another test, more or less skill. What is skill? Just being able to say, you did what you said you would. You could. You tried and you did. Success means nothing unless you’re unwilling to discover the other things that come in the midst of failure. You wanted to climb up there, but you made it to the bottom. You failed. But it makes no difference. A label to stick on to punish of what was expected.
Cold eyes freeze, frozen go dead, dead are blind. Tepid don’t melt but you know what you felt.
Ramblings of a dreamer and not much time. A lot of time. But eyes closed and everything fades as everything grows near. Lot of fear. Fear fear fear of what? Of the unexpected. Small minds have little worries. But imagination brings out the pain of the days. From the what if to the what happened. Confusion and you’re going in circles. Danger of the dark. Sleepless nights remembering what I should have done, what I haven’t done, what I wish. Wishes are endless. They may die but they never fade. They grow and grow, until your life becomes a wish. A wish for tomorrow, a wish that usually fails. Wish failed, you failed. It sputters and dies. But you can turn the key a few more times.
Wordless and lips burn of what’s unsaid. Choking on my tongue. Fatigue and a lifetime of everything but life! In your head and enjoying it. Dancing in the moonbeams and kissing beloved. Running the streets and talking to those who never speak. Laughing at the lies and the pain and the things that shouldn’t be laughed at. Holding out a hand to everyone who needs it. Running for what you can’t. Sleeping outside and counting raindrops. Endless time, nothing in mind. Warm hugs and slips of smiles. Wake up and you die. But why? It’s all the possible. But restriction and constriction graps your neck and you’re dying. Dying each day with what you can’t say, what time tells, what hands may never touch... It’s all to much. What you may never convey.. Each day. You wake up before you die, so do you dream when you do die? The dying are the dreaming. Inside I’m mostly sleeping. But sleep, brother of death. Not my quote and not my idea, but it works.
Dreaming of a taste of that. And dreaming of the day when it doesn’t die. Dreaming of a taste of heaven.. Doesn’t everyone? Heaven is so close but so far, and it has many disguises. But even the closest can be the farthest. And what if the farthest aren’t really closest? In vain.
My rambling turns from nonsense to reality and back again.
A Vivid Dream
I can't remember it all and what it all means, I'll explain the best I can.
---
When is he coming..? He is coming right? Thanksgiving..? You sure?
Yes.. When we go to pick up Nana and Gramps from the ferry he comes too.. He's staying with relatives over there...
Oh.... Okay......
Sat in the darkness on my bed, sleepless.. A sigh as I wander to the bathroom, opening the door and turning on the light dimly. Something yellow caught my eye, two, along the sink.. Two post it notes, with black letters, bold, obvious. What did they say..? (I can hardly remember, not sure) "Had to stay, had to come." "Too much left to say, too much undone.."
An arrow on the last note, pointing towards the door. I open the door and go back out, this time going to the dining room, then to the living room. There he was, sitting on one of the couches. I stood, stopped, surprised.
Did you write those....?
Mmhm.
-------
---
When is he coming..? He is coming right? Thanksgiving..? You sure?
Yes.. When we go to pick up Nana and Gramps from the ferry he comes too.. He's staying with relatives over there...
Oh.... Okay......
Sat in the darkness on my bed, sleepless.. A sigh as I wander to the bathroom, opening the door and turning on the light dimly. Something yellow caught my eye, two, along the sink.. Two post it notes, with black letters, bold, obvious. What did they say..? (I can hardly remember, not sure) "Had to stay, had to come." "Too much left to say, too much undone.."
An arrow on the last note, pointing towards the door. I open the door and go back out, this time going to the dining room, then to the living room. There he was, sitting on one of the couches. I stood, stopped, surprised.
Did you write those....?
Mmhm.
-------
A Short Story
One morning, I awoke with wings. Opened up my eyes tiredly, stretched, putting arms back at my side to now resting on a soft silky mass of feathers. Closed my eyes. Opened them again, with the realization of the feathery mass underneath me. I ran my hands along the wings, eyes widening. Sat up quickly, stumbling out of bed to the mirror. Looked at myself, eyes blurred, still half asleep. Traced my eyes along the familiar features, brown hair and matching eyes, pajamas... And a strange black mass sticking out behind me. I turned around quickly, looking for what was behind me, but nothing. I looked in the mirror again, blinked, but it was still there. I leaned in closely, stretching, and they moved.. I leaned in close to the mirror, wiping my eyes, seeing what they were, turning on the light. Deep black wings, like a crow's. "you.....this...this is a dream..?" I sputtered on my own words. Slowly made my way back to the bed, trying to get used to the new weight at my back, careful not to knock anything over. Sat down on the bed, looking at the loose feathers strewn where I had been laying. Carefully picked one up, examining it closely. Black but in the light, it shined colorful, like oil spilled on the road. 'Pretty..' I thought to myself.. and set it on my window sill. Spread out my new set of wings, lying down again. "Okay.. I'm going to pretend this was a dream now, and I'll just go back to sleep.." I instruct myself. With a little difficulty, I close my eyes, wrapping the covers around me and falling into sleep..
The next time I opened my eyes, light shined in through the window, and I sat up quickly, hands searching along my back.. But nothing. Both relieved and disappointed. Eyes went to the mirror again, but it was true, nothing was there. With a sigh I lay back, remembering the warm mat of feathers, and my head turns to the window sill.. where a single black feather still sits, carefully and deliberately set among the line of candles.
--
I wrote this story for Ariel, as in her journal she requested a short story...
The next time I opened my eyes, light shined in through the window, and I sat up quickly, hands searching along my back.. But nothing. Both relieved and disappointed. Eyes went to the mirror again, but it was true, nothing was there. With a sigh I lay back, remembering the warm mat of feathers, and my head turns to the window sill.. where a single black feather still sits, carefully and deliberately set among the line of candles.
--
I wrote this story for Ariel, as in her journal she requested a short story...
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Thoughts
Yes. He is indeed cute. No doubt about it. A cute grin too, from what I caught. Yeah...
Weeeeeeell.. I'll meet him someday. I will. Next summer.. Or during one of the school breaks.
*a sigh*
Weeeeeeell.. I'll meet him someday. I will. Next summer.. Or during one of the school breaks.
*a sigh*
I have no one to ramble to so I'll ramble to myself.
Staring at your face, a photograph... We have similar features. *frown* hm..... Something. Similar nose and lips. and just the general look of the face. And we're both silly and call ourselves ugly. I like your hair, deep black.. I always liked black hair a lot. Funny, for some reason I can't picture you with long hair again. I guess I never had the clearest image of you that way, at least, not in good light and not of recent time. Your picture puts a smile on my face. Because you're silly to call yourself ugly. I really very much like your eyes.
Listening to Dear Prudence makes me grin too. How you hide your smile behind a hand, cut off your face from the camera and laugh. I'm sure you're quite cute smiling. And it looked so funny and cute when you stuck out your tongue. I don't get to see that much.
It's funny how you're perfect. A lovely balance between it all. I love how you listen.. It seems a near rare trait in guys these days. They're all opinion and all talk, and hardly let you get a word in. I like how I can tell you the most useless things, tell you about what I did in detail, and you don't get bored. You're funny. Open minded and so fun to joke with. So fun, being able to tell you the oddest things. *laughs* Like that daydream. Funny. You're so easy, too... You don't get mad at me.. You don't upset by my mistakes and slip of words.. You don't even when my emotion gets the better of me.. Jealousy, loneliness, insecurity. You're one of the most mellow people I know. *laughter* I can't help but think..... Remember..
I was on the bus with Mom one time.. It was a sad day for me. Things were not going well with the one I was close to, and I felt abandoned and uncared about. So, I needed to get away. Stop waiting, sit down and think, but with a distraction, with a life. Out and about. These days, I always get a sense of deja vu on the bus. Because I took the bus downtown with mom, the same place, the same way, when Zandry was gone for a week without telling me.
So, I had talked to her on the bus, about a year ago.. maybe. I was asking her, how do I let go, anyway? How do I detach myself from someone who isn't good for me? So she talked to me, got into story.
"When you find the right one, it's smooooth.. It's super easy. When I found Jim it was just so incredibly smooth. Arguments were rare and he was just mellow and it was great. If you argue a lot and just can't deal with it, it's really not worth it. You have to find a guy you really get along with, and believe me, it's nice. I was soo glad to get away from Red.. I can't believe I almost married him! He was really romantic, but always so moody! Just would argue over the smallest things, didn't get along. So it was really amazing when I met Jim, because he was so different."
If you ask me, this feels like that same smooth. But I shan't think of that.
And.. Yeah yeah... I'm ga-ga. It's true... He's in my head ever day. You wouldn't believe how obsessive I am.. *chuckles* Well, when I fall, I fall hard. I tried not to this time, but it sure is hard. Just because, we seem to feel.. the same.? I hesitate to say that, because I ask myself, is it really true? I worry of my daydreaming head and my lack of sense. I'd ask, but I'd feel dumb and wonder if it'd even get an answer. I do tend to ask weird things though. So maybe he's used to it?
For a laugh I'll list as many as I can think up. Oh gawd it sounds pathetic though, I have to saay....
Would you hold my hand?
How do you kiss? (as in, I've never done it, I can't believe he answered)
What would you want to do if you came here?
What if I suck at kissing?
Why do are you so convinced I'm pretty?
Why do you think you're ugly?
If I ever get to see you, can I hug you?
Can I really hold your hand in public, you don't mind that??
Why do you talk to me so much?
Doesn't it get boring listening to me ramble so long?
Why do you like my singing? I suck at singing!
Do you ever daydream?
Are you sure you're not bored yet?
How can you listen to me so long?
How long would you want to visit if you had the choice?
What if you hated the real me?
What would make you hate me?
Are you okay with just laying in the grass staring at the clouds with me for like.. an hour?
Would you freak if I just like, follow you everywhere when you visit?
How about clinging to your arm wherever you go? Would that be bad?
*laughter* I sound like some sort of eager unsure and innocent kid. It's so funny.
What's amazing is I've actually asked every one of these questions. When you read them, they sound like things you'd just wonder in your head silently, but I actually asked these things, and he answered, in most cases. And I swear.. Every answer was a nice answer. And I was always pleasantly surprised.... No, he wouldn't mind. No, it doesn't bother him. It amazes me. I asked some of these more than once, because I thought he may have just been trying to be nice.
I should sleep more.. haha.
Staring at your face, a photograph... We have similar features. *frown* hm..... Something. Similar nose and lips. and just the general look of the face. And we're both silly and call ourselves ugly. I like your hair, deep black.. I always liked black hair a lot. Funny, for some reason I can't picture you with long hair again. I guess I never had the clearest image of you that way, at least, not in good light and not of recent time. Your picture puts a smile on my face. Because you're silly to call yourself ugly. I really very much like your eyes.
Listening to Dear Prudence makes me grin too. How you hide your smile behind a hand, cut off your face from the camera and laugh. I'm sure you're quite cute smiling. And it looked so funny and cute when you stuck out your tongue. I don't get to see that much.
It's funny how you're perfect. A lovely balance between it all. I love how you listen.. It seems a near rare trait in guys these days. They're all opinion and all talk, and hardly let you get a word in. I like how I can tell you the most useless things, tell you about what I did in detail, and you don't get bored. You're funny. Open minded and so fun to joke with. So fun, being able to tell you the oddest things. *laughs* Like that daydream. Funny. You're so easy, too... You don't get mad at me.. You don't upset by my mistakes and slip of words.. You don't even when my emotion gets the better of me.. Jealousy, loneliness, insecurity. You're one of the most mellow people I know. *laughter* I can't help but think..... Remember..
I was on the bus with Mom one time.. It was a sad day for me. Things were not going well with the one I was close to, and I felt abandoned and uncared about. So, I needed to get away. Stop waiting, sit down and think, but with a distraction, with a life. Out and about. These days, I always get a sense of deja vu on the bus. Because I took the bus downtown with mom, the same place, the same way, when Zandry was gone for a week without telling me.
So, I had talked to her on the bus, about a year ago.. maybe. I was asking her, how do I let go, anyway? How do I detach myself from someone who isn't good for me? So she talked to me, got into story.
"When you find the right one, it's smooooth.. It's super easy. When I found Jim it was just so incredibly smooth. Arguments were rare and he was just mellow and it was great. If you argue a lot and just can't deal with it, it's really not worth it. You have to find a guy you really get along with, and believe me, it's nice. I was soo glad to get away from Red.. I can't believe I almost married him! He was really romantic, but always so moody! Just would argue over the smallest things, didn't get along. So it was really amazing when I met Jim, because he was so different."
If you ask me, this feels like that same smooth. But I shan't think of that.
And.. Yeah yeah... I'm ga-ga. It's true... He's in my head ever day. You wouldn't believe how obsessive I am.. *chuckles* Well, when I fall, I fall hard. I tried not to this time, but it sure is hard. Just because, we seem to feel.. the same.? I hesitate to say that, because I ask myself, is it really true? I worry of my daydreaming head and my lack of sense. I'd ask, but I'd feel dumb and wonder if it'd even get an answer. I do tend to ask weird things though. So maybe he's used to it?
For a laugh I'll list as many as I can think up. Oh gawd it sounds pathetic though, I have to saay....
Would you hold my hand?
How do you kiss? (as in, I've never done it, I can't believe he answered)
What would you want to do if you came here?
What if I suck at kissing?
Why do are you so convinced I'm pretty?
Why do you think you're ugly?
If I ever get to see you, can I hug you?
Can I really hold your hand in public, you don't mind that??
Why do you talk to me so much?
Doesn't it get boring listening to me ramble so long?
Why do you like my singing? I suck at singing!
Do you ever daydream?
Are you sure you're not bored yet?
How can you listen to me so long?
How long would you want to visit if you had the choice?
What if you hated the real me?
What would make you hate me?
Are you okay with just laying in the grass staring at the clouds with me for like.. an hour?
Would you freak if I just like, follow you everywhere when you visit?
How about clinging to your arm wherever you go? Would that be bad?
*laughter* I sound like some sort of eager unsure and innocent kid. It's so funny.
What's amazing is I've actually asked every one of these questions. When you read them, they sound like things you'd just wonder in your head silently, but I actually asked these things, and he answered, in most cases. And I swear.. Every answer was a nice answer. And I was always pleasantly surprised.... No, he wouldn't mind. No, it doesn't bother him. It amazes me. I asked some of these more than once, because I thought he may have just been trying to be nice.
I should sleep more.. haha.
Friday, August 26, 2005
La La La..
I love it when I find a song I really like, and feel like singing. This song will be one I'll blast.
Dear Prudence by Siouxsie and the Banshees.
Dear Prudence.. Won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day.
The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Prudence.. Won't you come out and play?
Dear Prudence, open up your eyes.. Dear Prudence.... See the sunny skies..
The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are part of everything.. Dear Prudence, wont' you open up your eyes?
Look around round. Look around round round.. Look around..
Dear Prudence... Let me see you smile. Deaar Prudence... Like a little child..
The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again, dear Prudence.. Won't you let me see you smile?
Dear Prudence by Siouxsie and the Banshees.
Dear Prudence.. Won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day.
The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you. Dear Prudence.. Won't you come out and play?
Dear Prudence, open up your eyes.. Dear Prudence.... See the sunny skies..
The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are part of everything.. Dear Prudence, wont' you open up your eyes?
Look around round. Look around round round.. Look around..
Dear Prudence... Let me see you smile. Deaar Prudence... Like a little child..
The clouds will be a daisy chain, so let me see you smile again, dear Prudence.. Won't you let me see you smile?
-Sigh-
At least my headache's gone...
But I think it's the placebo affect.
The only thing about taking pills is, I feel like one of those crazy people who will lose it when I 'haven't had my pills'. I'm hoping it'll do something.. work.. because that'd be nice.
But now if anyone asks, I can say I take it for my insanity. That I kill things if I don't have them. *laugh* I'll say it completely serious.
jffjfjfjfjjaghowan.sdaoawonfwa..d.saohfw. Stress busting.
Funny. Mom acts concerned. She doesn't know I feel like this every day. Beecaause I don't tell her. So it's 'odd'.
Ah fooking hell. I'm only fifteen and I take pills! Pills!
But why is it that it got worse? I don't mean now, I mean, over time.. I get more and more tense about it. Maybe because now I have more to hide? I guess so. Talking to Zandry, I don't want people looking over my shoulder.
As you realize, as it comes to mind that people will judge you at every moment in your life, it can really make you crazy. You're trying to keep it from happening, which is impossible. You're thinking of every eye that sets on you, and regretting what they may see, think, feel. When you don't even know. You feel afraid, wondering what they're thinking. Feel guilt nearly, for how you might make them feel, just by witnessing you. That girl over there, when she looked with that expression, was she jealous? Does she loath me for having a better figure? I'm sorry to do that, she must understand, she doesn't have to........ It aches at the back of your mind, even though you don't think of it much.. Still feel it. .... .. Tis how I feel... ..
I felt that exact feeling in the bookstore a few days ago.. ......
Wish such little things wouldn't bug me.
But I think it's the placebo affect.
The only thing about taking pills is, I feel like one of those crazy people who will lose it when I 'haven't had my pills'. I'm hoping it'll do something.. work.. because that'd be nice.
But now if anyone asks, I can say I take it for my insanity. That I kill things if I don't have them. *laugh* I'll say it completely serious.
jffjfjfjfjjaghowan.sdaoawonfwa..d.saohfw. Stress busting.
Funny. Mom acts concerned. She doesn't know I feel like this every day. Beecaause I don't tell her. So it's 'odd'.
Ah fooking hell. I'm only fifteen and I take pills! Pills!
But why is it that it got worse? I don't mean now, I mean, over time.. I get more and more tense about it. Maybe because now I have more to hide? I guess so. Talking to Zandry, I don't want people looking over my shoulder.
As you realize, as it comes to mind that people will judge you at every moment in your life, it can really make you crazy. You're trying to keep it from happening, which is impossible. You're thinking of every eye that sets on you, and regretting what they may see, think, feel. When you don't even know. You feel afraid, wondering what they're thinking. Feel guilt nearly, for how you might make them feel, just by witnessing you. That girl over there, when she looked with that expression, was she jealous? Does she loath me for having a better figure? I'm sorry to do that, she must understand, she doesn't have to........ It aches at the back of your mind, even though you don't think of it much.. Still feel it. .... .. Tis how I feel... ..
I felt that exact feeling in the bookstore a few days ago.. ......
Wish such little things wouldn't bug me.
Because I'm Pissed That's WHY!
Fuck fuck fucking leave me alone!
Leave me ALONE.
Don't screw with the godamn computer when I'm seeing someone's webcam for the first fucking time in months and the only time I can, and freeze the fuckign computer!!
Don't stand right behind me and poke me when I want to look at the new pictures that were sent! Don't comment on them and ask what I'm doing, when I'm FUCKING trying to enjoy this.
AHHHHRGH FUCK!
.. haha. I haven't tried the pills yet.
Just makes me feel like crying when I can't enjoy something that only comes about once every four months.. When everyone bothers me and I hide the window, missing the only time I ever ever get to see him.
Such is the hardship of my anxiety and long-distance relationships, and the hardship of him having a bad computer. I can't have fun when people are watching me!!!..... ... And it makes me sad. Wandering around behind me, pacing, asking to do things on this computer.. I can't even deal with it. My personal 'bubble' is invaded. Especially on a day like today.
He went to a friends house, a friend that has a webcam. His own computer sucks terribly.. He can't send pictures, he doesn't have a webcam. So basically, I never ever see him. I never get to see him ever. No smiles no nothing. And on his computer, the colors are also extremely bad. Everything's messed. So today is a rare day, when I get to see him. At his friends house, I get to have pictures, and I get to see him on a webcam.. It's the one thing that makes it all wonderfully real. He's him. Phone calls are even rare.... .. Because I have to buy phone cards to pay for the long distance. Even though Canada is damned right up there... ... But still far enough. It's hard..... .. I don't have a job, I can't get money.. I'm too young to be able to do anything.... He is as well. There's a freaking barrier.. I never see his face, I never can give him a hug, I can't do anything at all... So try to understand my stress, when I feel like this, the only time I can see him.
How do you feel when someone stares you down? A complete stranger stares right at you, and their gaze doesn't change... Is it just me, or do you feel a bit uncomfortable when someone stares like that? For me, just someone being around makes me tense up and feel like I'm being stared at like that. The feeling doesn't go away. It stays. They walk by. You still feel it. They go do something else. It's still there. I feel a sick feeling inside just because they could turn their head and see what I'm doing. They'll see DA or blogger, or they'll se him. And just that makes me feel sick. Sick nervous sick. The feeling doesn't go away.. Not until they're far away......... So when Carson stands right next to me, a hand on my shoulder, looking at my screen, I feel like tearing my hair out. I get the tense very sick feeling until I shove him or tell him to go away. I feel terrible until they go away. It's the most hard thing..
*sighs* My apologies for swearing.. I just feel really bad sometimes. I need to vent out my stress.. So I can breathe... *a long sigh*........... ..
He just left to do something..... I just feel sick sick sick when I can't enjoy what I really enjoy. When I can't be happy just because. It's terrible.
I'm going out for some air so I can calm myself down.. Why do I have to have things wrong with me like this....?
Leave me ALONE.
Don't screw with the godamn computer when I'm seeing someone's webcam for the first fucking time in months and the only time I can, and freeze the fuckign computer!!
Don't stand right behind me and poke me when I want to look at the new pictures that were sent! Don't comment on them and ask what I'm doing, when I'm FUCKING trying to enjoy this.
AHHHHRGH FUCK!
.. haha. I haven't tried the pills yet.
Just makes me feel like crying when I can't enjoy something that only comes about once every four months.. When everyone bothers me and I hide the window, missing the only time I ever ever get to see him.
Such is the hardship of my anxiety and long-distance relationships, and the hardship of him having a bad computer. I can't have fun when people are watching me!!!..... ... And it makes me sad. Wandering around behind me, pacing, asking to do things on this computer.. I can't even deal with it. My personal 'bubble' is invaded. Especially on a day like today.
He went to a friends house, a friend that has a webcam. His own computer sucks terribly.. He can't send pictures, he doesn't have a webcam. So basically, I never ever see him. I never get to see him ever. No smiles no nothing. And on his computer, the colors are also extremely bad. Everything's messed. So today is a rare day, when I get to see him. At his friends house, I get to have pictures, and I get to see him on a webcam.. It's the one thing that makes it all wonderfully real. He's him. Phone calls are even rare.... .. Because I have to buy phone cards to pay for the long distance. Even though Canada is damned right up there... ... But still far enough. It's hard..... .. I don't have a job, I can't get money.. I'm too young to be able to do anything.... He is as well. There's a freaking barrier.. I never see his face, I never can give him a hug, I can't do anything at all... So try to understand my stress, when I feel like this, the only time I can see him.
How do you feel when someone stares you down? A complete stranger stares right at you, and their gaze doesn't change... Is it just me, or do you feel a bit uncomfortable when someone stares like that? For me, just someone being around makes me tense up and feel like I'm being stared at like that. The feeling doesn't go away. It stays. They walk by. You still feel it. They go do something else. It's still there. I feel a sick feeling inside just because they could turn their head and see what I'm doing. They'll see DA or blogger, or they'll se him. And just that makes me feel sick. Sick nervous sick. The feeling doesn't go away.. Not until they're far away......... So when Carson stands right next to me, a hand on my shoulder, looking at my screen, I feel like tearing my hair out. I get the tense very sick feeling until I shove him or tell him to go away. I feel terrible until they go away. It's the most hard thing..
*sighs* My apologies for swearing.. I just feel really bad sometimes. I need to vent out my stress.. So I can breathe... *a long sigh*........... ..
He just left to do something..... I just feel sick sick sick when I can't enjoy what I really enjoy. When I can't be happy just because. It's terrible.
I'm going out for some air so I can calm myself down.. Why do I have to have things wrong with me like this....?
Sheeee's Baaaaaack...
Sachika's back!
She stayed with us for about a year when I was about 12 or 13... She's our old Japanese exchange student. Her plane arrived at 10:30, but she just got here at about 12.
She looks no different. And her laugh is just how I remembered it. We laugh a lot so it was one of the main things I could remember from when she was here last.
Last time she came she was just staying for a year, this time she's moving here in Seattle. She's staying at our house until she finds a place to live.
She stayed with us for about a year when I was about 12 or 13... She's our old Japanese exchange student. Her plane arrived at 10:30, but she just got here at about 12.
She looks no different. And her laugh is just how I remembered it. We laugh a lot so it was one of the main things I could remember from when she was here last.
Last time she came she was just staying for a year, this time she's moving here in Seattle. She's staying at our house until she finds a place to live.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
No Sleep..
No sleep... No sleep.. Well, a little sleep.. Little sleep..
I started and finished a book last night. I read the entire book in one sitting, 314 pages. Fun.
I'm hungry.. ... ... Sleepy...
You said you'd be here at eleven.. T__T.. Yeah.. Suuure.. *sigh*
I hate busy, I really hate it. Orthodontists are simply a pain. Psychologists, I don't know yet. But I'm annoyed at how the summer flies. I'm not looking forward to school. Not at all.
If you're not here soon, I'm ditching. You're already an hour late.
I started and finished a book last night. I read the entire book in one sitting, 314 pages. Fun.
I'm hungry.. ... ... Sleepy...
You said you'd be here at eleven.. T__T.. Yeah.. Suuure.. *sigh*
I hate busy, I really hate it. Orthodontists are simply a pain. Psychologists, I don't know yet. But I'm annoyed at how the summer flies. I'm not looking forward to school. Not at all.
If you're not here soon, I'm ditching. You're already an hour late.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Ooo It Burns!
Haha, I'm in pain. Well, not as much anymore.. but ow.. ow ow ow.
I hate to whine. But ow.
I'm so hungry.... :(
Today is like.. ... ... Uwah.
I just want to lie down and die because my legs are killing me.
But I'll be better in a while. Once I have dinner I'll be less near tears.
My legs have this funny habit of feeling like they're on fire when I walk too long in the cold. And these boots have a funny habit for blisters. And I have a funny habit of getting stressed out when around people. So combine all three, and you have a girl with her legs on fire, feet hurting and a very large headache. ... Do you ever have one of those days were you just want to tear out your hair and scream? Today is that day. And even if I did nothing today, I would still feel like tearing out my hair. Because, it's just one of those days.
When it's one of those days, PLEASE don't make me go outside because I 'need fresh air'. And PLEASE don't get lost and PLEASE don't make us walk an extra mile. Please. And please don't sit me in the middle of a crowd of talking people with a loud shriek of the train grinding the track in the background. I felt like jumping into incoming traffic.
So, it was fine at first. But I was grumpy and very tired even before it started to hurt. We had a walk and I felt okay but the people were making my head hurt, and I diverted my eyes. I didn't feel like talking and I didn't want to go into any stores. I didn't really want to do anything today. We sat out with the people and I felt myself tense up and feel uncomfortable among so many talking people.. I couldn't enjoy the sights and sounds, the way I was feeling. We wandered and I followed. We turn around, start to head back. 8:00, hadn't had dinner yet. I started to feel my legs burning. I thought to myself 'okaay.. don't worry.. it's only a little bit longer..'. Course my head was feeling bad as well.. but I lingered on the thought of how it wouldn't take too much longer...
Course then we can't figure out how to get to the parking lot because things are closed off, so we have to get out and walk a reeeeally long while to go get them, and then walk the same distance back.
I survived by pretending I was a walking corpse, and mumbling to myself the same thing over and over.
"I feel no pain, I am a zombie. I feel no pain, I am a zombie. I feel no pain, I am a zombie."
On the way back I said:
"The faster I walk the sooner I'll be home. The faster I walk the sooner I'll be home"
I was so relieved to just sit down.....
And I'm so glad I'm home...
I hate to whine. But ow.
I'm so hungry.... :(
Today is like.. ... ... Uwah.
I just want to lie down and die because my legs are killing me.
But I'll be better in a while. Once I have dinner I'll be less near tears.
My legs have this funny habit of feeling like they're on fire when I walk too long in the cold. And these boots have a funny habit for blisters. And I have a funny habit of getting stressed out when around people. So combine all three, and you have a girl with her legs on fire, feet hurting and a very large headache. ... Do you ever have one of those days were you just want to tear out your hair and scream? Today is that day. And even if I did nothing today, I would still feel like tearing out my hair. Because, it's just one of those days.
When it's one of those days, PLEASE don't make me go outside because I 'need fresh air'. And PLEASE don't get lost and PLEASE don't make us walk an extra mile. Please. And please don't sit me in the middle of a crowd of talking people with a loud shriek of the train grinding the track in the background. I felt like jumping into incoming traffic.
So, it was fine at first. But I was grumpy and very tired even before it started to hurt. We had a walk and I felt okay but the people were making my head hurt, and I diverted my eyes. I didn't feel like talking and I didn't want to go into any stores. I didn't really want to do anything today. We sat out with the people and I felt myself tense up and feel uncomfortable among so many talking people.. I couldn't enjoy the sights and sounds, the way I was feeling. We wandered and I followed. We turn around, start to head back. 8:00, hadn't had dinner yet. I started to feel my legs burning. I thought to myself 'okaay.. don't worry.. it's only a little bit longer..'. Course my head was feeling bad as well.. but I lingered on the thought of how it wouldn't take too much longer...
Course then we can't figure out how to get to the parking lot because things are closed off, so we have to get out and walk a reeeeally long while to go get them, and then walk the same distance back.
I survived by pretending I was a walking corpse, and mumbling to myself the same thing over and over.
"I feel no pain, I am a zombie. I feel no pain, I am a zombie. I feel no pain, I am a zombie."
On the way back I said:
"The faster I walk the sooner I'll be home. The faster I walk the sooner I'll be home"
I was so relieved to just sit down.....
And I'm so glad I'm home...
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Mm..
Last night I was home alone with my little brother. Mom and Dad went out with Heather to the Vogue, a dancing place. I wish I could go... but.. It has a bar so you have to be 21. She says it has a lot of good music that we listen to.
I was bored, sitting up here.. Zandry had left early. So I started up imovie and went downstairs, getting a lighter, and a lamp. It was night, and the lighting up here is quite bad, so I plugged in the lamp and used that in hopes that it'd help. Of course, it didn't make a difference. So randomly I started recording, with my little brother. We sang songs and were just plain annoying. Weston said hello and after we were done singing I shooed away Carson and talked to him. We somehow got into the conversation of ex's.. He was going through files on his computer and old conversations and it was making him feel low. I told him it'd get easier. We talked about the music we picked up from them and he said how he can't listen to these certain songs. I can listen to them, but I feel a bit of memory that makes me feel a tinge of regret and gloom.
The one song I could never listen to again when things got hard was The Only Gift That I Need by Dashboard Confessional. I think it's the first song I heard that he liked.
I actually downloaded that song, realizing I had deleted it, as Weston and I spoke. I wanted to see if I could listen to it.
At first, I recognized the beginning, and I was like 'oooh shit... I remember thiis..'. After listening to it once I was okay. So I can listen to it now.
*clap clap, clap... clap clap, clap..* You'll be leaving for the winter, but I can see it's true, it's the right thing for you but it's tough to be moved with the holiday spirit, and to tell you the truth I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you. And I want you here by my side, and colds nights and fires and white wine, and dreams of holidays to come.. But I'll wait for spring, to bring you to me.. Only gift that I need. I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters, and your postcards, every single word is like a secret wish come true. Who cares if we're apart for the big days, it's the small ones that made me fall in love with you. And I want you here by my side, and colds nights and fires and white wine, and dreams of holidays to come.. But I'll wait for spring, to bring you to me.. Only gift that I need. Only gift that I need.
After a while of talking, he said "You know, you were the last person I ever expected to talk about this with" which gave me a laugh.
--
Today I woke up late, again. I was home alone for a while, so I recorded myself boredly whilst talking with Zandry, singing. He asked me to sing The Light & The Glass.. I said no way, I can't sing. Sad face. I shrugged to myself, thought I might as well, I was bored. I sung with a sheet of lyrics, because there's no way else I'd be able to sing it. Recorded. Sung with the song going in the background. Attempted to hit the highs and lows and in-between. Distracted, laughed.
I finished. He wanted me to send it. It took me a while to figure out how to get at the audio, but I did. His computer is super slow, so I said I couldn't send him the whole thing. Sad face. I said, it's terrible anyway. He said whatever, didn't agree. I split up the audio, sending it slowly in pieces.
"Slowly the pen touches paper.. In the guidance of the words that you write.."
"memories roll in, of the things you once did.. and who you had shared them with.. Is somebody thinking of you?"
"Did I bother telling you this? With the words that cross teeth and jump lips..?"
"A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything. But words don't come with ease, they're, forever my hurt.."
"Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands?"
"You focus secure, and the loves you left, well, smiles staged in photographs, here until..."
"you.. you left the light on.. There's a chance I might have tripped, girl.. You were there to hold on.."
"Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother.. Kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother.. I'll lay awake for a while.. I'll leave the light on a whiiile..."
"But you couldn't last a lifetime.. Caught between here and the days of then, carving her name across your arms.."
"With every wish, it's hit or miss, her.. I told you so.. I measure distance in lines.. Departing the rest of my life...."
"But you you you.. You had better things to do... But you you you.. You had better things to do.."
"Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.."
--
When you confuse me to the point of fear,
don't be surprised when I shed tears
I was bored, sitting up here.. Zandry had left early. So I started up imovie and went downstairs, getting a lighter, and a lamp. It was night, and the lighting up here is quite bad, so I plugged in the lamp and used that in hopes that it'd help. Of course, it didn't make a difference. So randomly I started recording, with my little brother. We sang songs and were just plain annoying. Weston said hello and after we were done singing I shooed away Carson and talked to him. We somehow got into the conversation of ex's.. He was going through files on his computer and old conversations and it was making him feel low. I told him it'd get easier. We talked about the music we picked up from them and he said how he can't listen to these certain songs. I can listen to them, but I feel a bit of memory that makes me feel a tinge of regret and gloom.
The one song I could never listen to again when things got hard was The Only Gift That I Need by Dashboard Confessional. I think it's the first song I heard that he liked.
I actually downloaded that song, realizing I had deleted it, as Weston and I spoke. I wanted to see if I could listen to it.
At first, I recognized the beginning, and I was like 'oooh shit... I remember thiis..'. After listening to it once I was okay. So I can listen to it now.
*clap clap, clap... clap clap, clap..* You'll be leaving for the winter, but I can see it's true, it's the right thing for you but it's tough to be moved with the holiday spirit, and to tell you the truth I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you. And I want you here by my side, and colds nights and fires and white wine, and dreams of holidays to come.. But I'll wait for spring, to bring you to me.. Only gift that I need. I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters, and your postcards, every single word is like a secret wish come true. Who cares if we're apart for the big days, it's the small ones that made me fall in love with you. And I want you here by my side, and colds nights and fires and white wine, and dreams of holidays to come.. But I'll wait for spring, to bring you to me.. Only gift that I need. Only gift that I need.
After a while of talking, he said "You know, you were the last person I ever expected to talk about this with" which gave me a laugh.
--
Today I woke up late, again. I was home alone for a while, so I recorded myself boredly whilst talking with Zandry, singing. He asked me to sing The Light & The Glass.. I said no way, I can't sing. Sad face. I shrugged to myself, thought I might as well, I was bored. I sung with a sheet of lyrics, because there's no way else I'd be able to sing it. Recorded. Sung with the song going in the background. Attempted to hit the highs and lows and in-between. Distracted, laughed.
I finished. He wanted me to send it. It took me a while to figure out how to get at the audio, but I did. His computer is super slow, so I said I couldn't send him the whole thing. Sad face. I said, it's terrible anyway. He said whatever, didn't agree. I split up the audio, sending it slowly in pieces.
"Slowly the pen touches paper.. In the guidance of the words that you write.."
"memories roll in, of the things you once did.. and who you had shared them with.. Is somebody thinking of you?"
"Did I bother telling you this? With the words that cross teeth and jump lips..?"
"A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything. But words don't come with ease, they're, forever my hurt.."
"Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands?"
"You focus secure, and the loves you left, well, smiles staged in photographs, here until..."
"you.. you left the light on.. There's a chance I might have tripped, girl.. You were there to hold on.."
"Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother.. Kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother.. I'll lay awake for a while.. I'll leave the light on a whiiile..."
"But you couldn't last a lifetime.. Caught between here and the days of then, carving her name across your arms.."
"With every wish, it's hit or miss, her.. I told you so.. I measure distance in lines.. Departing the rest of my life...."
"But you you you.. You had better things to do... But you you you.. You had better things to do.."
"Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.. Liar.."
--
When you confuse me to the point of fear,
don't be surprised when I shed tears
Saturday, August 20, 2005
He's Back
(9:30 PM, August 19th)
He came back tonight. I had just gotten home from being downtown.
I couldn't contain my happiness and surprise, so being all pouty at him didn't work, lol.
I asked why. He said it just came up out of the blue, and his grandma made him go, and there was no way to contact me. He told me about the funny rumors the girls there spread about him, and how they thought he looked like Johnny Depp. That cracked me up. "See, I told you you were hawt!"
He read my blog, but I had deleted my freaking-out entries. He told me he wanted to see them. I said no. I said I deleted them because I was being stupid and childish, and very insecure. And the one with a lot of swearing, was just bad for the eyes. He said he didn't care, and he wanted to see. I said no, I didn't want him to feel bad. He told me he wouldn't, and I shouldn't feel bad. I sighed and showed him them all, including the 'fuck fuck fuck!!' entry.
"that was my tantrum.. ^ ^;;.. Scary.."
"ah, that wasn't too bad"
"you kidding?"
I showed him more. I went to get my pizza.
"and I'm sorry... :("
"don't be"
"lol.. but.. I'm so insecure, it's not even funny"
"Sure it is"
"lol"
"so yes, no being sorrY"
"you amaze me"
"how's that? :P"
"anyone else would've been pissed at me"
"I don't see why that would have been, but meh"
"or at least hurt. Cuz I was basically swearing at the fact you were gone, for like forever, lol"
"so? it's understandable"
"is it?"
"yes"
"ah... well.. that's good.. lol.. ^ ^; you're so nice, thank you"
"am not"
"you are"
----
Can you understand why I like him so much? Lol. I show him my entry that's swearing at the fact he's at a bible camp and swearing at how he missed it for that shit, and he doesn't get upset, he understands. Holy crap.... *laughs*
He's so awesome, he never ceases to amaze me with his patience and kindness. <3.... *grins*
I'm so glad he's back.. Really missed him.
He came back tonight. I had just gotten home from being downtown.
I couldn't contain my happiness and surprise, so being all pouty at him didn't work, lol.
I asked why. He said it just came up out of the blue, and his grandma made him go, and there was no way to contact me. He told me about the funny rumors the girls there spread about him, and how they thought he looked like Johnny Depp. That cracked me up. "See, I told you you were hawt!"
He read my blog, but I had deleted my freaking-out entries. He told me he wanted to see them. I said no. I said I deleted them because I was being stupid and childish, and very insecure. And the one with a lot of swearing, was just bad for the eyes. He said he didn't care, and he wanted to see. I said no, I didn't want him to feel bad. He told me he wouldn't, and I shouldn't feel bad. I sighed and showed him them all, including the 'fuck fuck fuck!!' entry.
"that was my tantrum.. ^ ^;;.. Scary.."
"ah, that wasn't too bad"
"you kidding?"
I showed him more. I went to get my pizza.
"and I'm sorry... :("
"don't be"
"lol.. but.. I'm so insecure, it's not even funny"
"Sure it is"
"lol"
"so yes, no being sorrY"
"you amaze me"
"how's that? :P"
"anyone else would've been pissed at me"
"I don't see why that would have been, but meh"
"or at least hurt. Cuz I was basically swearing at the fact you were gone, for like forever, lol"
"so? it's understandable"
"is it?"
"yes"
"ah... well.. that's good.. lol.. ^ ^; you're so nice, thank you"
"am not"
"you are"
----
Can you understand why I like him so much? Lol. I show him my entry that's swearing at the fact he's at a bible camp and swearing at how he missed it for that shit, and he doesn't get upset, he understands. Holy crap.... *laughs*
He's so awesome, he never ceases to amaze me with his patience and kindness. <3.... *grins*
I'm so glad he's back.. Really missed him.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Not Much More
So yeah, he's not coming. I called yesterday. Brother said he was at camp. I was horrified. He didn't even really say goodbye, he didn't tell me. I remember him saying something about going to Ike's, but he didn't say he was going to camp for a week.. So I was oblivious. I reacted terribly. I took it personally.
Mom called today just to make sure. All I got from the phone call was 'He's at bible camp', from his older brother. Mom called and talked to Amy.
Not much more to know. He's at camp. With his friends. That's it. He didn't get anything done. I don't know why and I don't care. I just know, he's not coming.
Mom talked to me, and said we can always try during a school break. She explained how he could be nervous, maybe it got to him. I understand.
But why do I get the feeling that when school starts, things will change? Maybe because of her. But I shouldn't think like that.
He'll be back on Monday. I'm not happy. I'm going to ask him, simply, why. Why he didn't tell me, why he went to camp. After writing so much junk that shouldn't be written, I feel bad. But I've erased it. So it's okay. I'm glad he won't see what I wrote. Because I was being.... As I said, so very childish. You could say I threw a fit. Hahah, that sounds terrible. And it was.
But only in my head. Please don't hear that and think of me tearing up papers and crying.
I'll just be happy when he's back. I miss him terribly. I just want him back, now. But I'm going to act in a bit of a blank, let-down way, because I think that's how I should feel. If he doesn't expect that, he's foolish. He let me down. Simple as that. He didn't tell me. He left me waiting as the date grew near, wondering why he was taking so long and what he was doing.
I hope he had fun. I hope his camp was worth more, than meeting me.
Great.. Now I'm being all sour... *sighs*
But I need to be a little pissed. It helps me feel better. I guess... Haha. I don't want to be a doormat, that's all. I forgive people in a blink of an eye.. and what does that tell people? No matter how much they hurt me, I'll forgive them. I don't like giving off that message. I can't stay angry at someone I love. Which is a pain. I can't stay angry at anyone, even when I should. I can't hate, I can't do revenge. I just can't.
I can be hurt, but I can't hurt others. My regret system is built for that. If I hurt anyone, for any reason, I regret it forever. It makes it easy to use me.
As I said, in deleted, my sensitivity will kill me someday.
But I am a bit hurt. One reason he went.... I bet that's why. I don't like to think that. I don't like to think that he, who was is so kind to me, let me down just to see.......
I won't say it. I won't think it. I'll just hurt myself.
Mom called today just to make sure. All I got from the phone call was 'He's at bible camp', from his older brother. Mom called and talked to Amy.
Not much more to know. He's at camp. With his friends. That's it. He didn't get anything done. I don't know why and I don't care. I just know, he's not coming.
Mom talked to me, and said we can always try during a school break. She explained how he could be nervous, maybe it got to him. I understand.
But why do I get the feeling that when school starts, things will change? Maybe because of her. But I shouldn't think like that.
He'll be back on Monday. I'm not happy. I'm going to ask him, simply, why. Why he didn't tell me, why he went to camp. After writing so much junk that shouldn't be written, I feel bad. But I've erased it. So it's okay. I'm glad he won't see what I wrote. Because I was being.... As I said, so very childish. You could say I threw a fit. Hahah, that sounds terrible. And it was.
But only in my head. Please don't hear that and think of me tearing up papers and crying.
I'll just be happy when he's back. I miss him terribly. I just want him back, now. But I'm going to act in a bit of a blank, let-down way, because I think that's how I should feel. If he doesn't expect that, he's foolish. He let me down. Simple as that. He didn't tell me. He left me waiting as the date grew near, wondering why he was taking so long and what he was doing.
I hope he had fun. I hope his camp was worth more, than meeting me.
Great.. Now I'm being all sour... *sighs*
But I need to be a little pissed. It helps me feel better. I guess... Haha. I don't want to be a doormat, that's all. I forgive people in a blink of an eye.. and what does that tell people? No matter how much they hurt me, I'll forgive them. I don't like giving off that message. I can't stay angry at someone I love. Which is a pain. I can't stay angry at anyone, even when I should. I can't hate, I can't do revenge. I just can't.
I can be hurt, but I can't hurt others. My regret system is built for that. If I hurt anyone, for any reason, I regret it forever. It makes it easy to use me.
As I said, in deleted, my sensitivity will kill me someday.
But I am a bit hurt. One reason he went.... I bet that's why. I don't like to think that. I don't like to think that he, who was is so kind to me, let me down just to see.......
I won't say it. I won't think it. I'll just hurt myself.
A Note
I'm deleting most of the previous entries. I was childish. Very childish. I may as well cut off what I wrote before he gets back. I don't want to be mean. I reacted badly.
Just a Quote
I look around here as I start to undress
It's all upside down and I must confess
My heads going round and I sleep less and less
My days are wasting and my life is a mess
Tears on my face in my eyes in my hair
I call out your name but there's no one there
Nights are cold and the days aren't sunny
Nothing in the fridge and there's f--k all money
At least I've got a brain and a way to think clear
Use all my resources to get out of here
-Clear, Cranes
It's all upside down and I must confess
My heads going round and I sleep less and less
My days are wasting and my life is a mess
Tears on my face in my eyes in my hair
I call out your name but there's no one there
Nights are cold and the days aren't sunny
Nothing in the fridge and there's f--k all money
At least I've got a brain and a way to think clear
Use all my resources to get out of here
-Clear, Cranes
When You Remember; When You Forget
When You Remember
My life..
a wind,
a field
with so many pulls
pinches, tugs
laughs and smug
I can see the sky
and yesterday,
I could fly
in the ways we went
and the days well spent
The clouds were perfect
that day,
the sky..
doubtlessly
blue
and for you too
life was a wind,
a field
with so many pulls,
pinches, tugs
come back
you are loved
these skies are blue
when you are loved
------
When you Forget
When you’re in love
the sky is an endless,
perfect blue
but when you're sad,
it turns a gray hue
and no matter how
hard you try
you’ll never fly
and remembering tears
just makes you cry
and no matter how hard
you try
it’ll never erase the lies
and no matter how long
how long you wait
scars just burn
and bring out hate
for the ones you’d never
turn on
the ones you’d never
curse on
the ones you never
would
when they’re gone
gone for good
-----
When You Remember was inspired by Loved and Pale Blue Sky by Cranes..:
Is there a reason why
the sky gets black at night and
Our hearts feel like stone
And you're left to face this alone?
And God bless your soul
In the heavens up above
If you can't find a way
You must know that you are loved
Do you know...
The way I feel tonight?
Don't let go...
It's beautiful tonight
It makes me feel alive
It's beautiful inside
I'm safe here in a pale blue sky
It's beautiful inside
Brighter than the stars
When I catch your eye,
When I catch your eye
When I catch your eye
It's beautiful inside
When our tears subside
It's beautiful inside
My life..
a wind,
a field
with so many pulls
pinches, tugs
laughs and smug
I can see the sky
and yesterday,
I could fly
in the ways we went
and the days well spent
The clouds were perfect
that day,
the sky..
doubtlessly
blue
and for you too
life was a wind,
a field
with so many pulls,
pinches, tugs
come back
you are loved
these skies are blue
when you are loved
------
When you Forget
When you’re in love
the sky is an endless,
perfect blue
but when you're sad,
it turns a gray hue
and no matter how
hard you try
you’ll never fly
and remembering tears
just makes you cry
and no matter how hard
you try
it’ll never erase the lies
and no matter how long
how long you wait
scars just burn
and bring out hate
for the ones you’d never
turn on
the ones you’d never
curse on
the ones you never
would
when they’re gone
gone for good
-----
When You Remember was inspired by Loved and Pale Blue Sky by Cranes..:
Is there a reason why
the sky gets black at night and
Our hearts feel like stone
And you're left to face this alone?
And God bless your soul
In the heavens up above
If you can't find a way
You must know that you are loved
Do you know...
The way I feel tonight?
Don't let go...
It's beautiful tonight
It makes me feel alive
It's beautiful inside
I'm safe here in a pale blue sky
It's beautiful inside
Brighter than the stars
When I catch your eye,
When I catch your eye
When I catch your eye
It's beautiful inside
When our tears subside
It's beautiful inside
Thursday, August 18, 2005
I'm So Happy And Sad
I'm so happy and sad. My paranoia is gone.. I won't be harassed, Alex won't laugh at me. I'm happy.. I can go on walks, I can have fun.. I'm going to go downtown.. I'm going to have hot chocolate.. I'm less afraid to say what I want to..
But.. I'm so sad that he's not coming, and that he's gone.. It's.. so.. ... a bummer.. *sighs*
Life goes on. It's not the end of the world. But I know, I'm never going to meet him. I'll never hug him, ever, and I'll never kiss him. Nothing. I need to accept that.
.. It's hard.... "Why is it, that love is never happy for me? Why do I only fall for the ones who I can never have?" a good question.
But.. I'm so sad that he's not coming, and that he's gone.. It's.. so.. ... a bummer.. *sighs*
Life goes on. It's not the end of the world. But I know, I'm never going to meet him. I'll never hug him, ever, and I'll never kiss him. Nothing. I need to accept that.
.. It's hard.... "Why is it, that love is never happy for me? Why do I only fall for the ones who I can never have?" a good question.
Dinner Conversation
Regarding Alex not going to the dance-
"He could say that dancing is against his religion" -Dad
"Yeah right, and then they'd ask 'what religion?'" -Mom
"But there are religions that don't dance" -Dad
"Really?" -me
"But then they'd assume that he's a Jehovah's Witness" -Dad
"Oh, yeah, that wouldn't be good" -Mom
"Jehovah's Witnesses aren't allowed to have fun." -Mom
"I hear they can't have birthday parties either" -me
"No partying, no singing, not dancing, no drinking.." -Dad
"Can they laugh?" -Mom
"Yes.. but only devoutly. 'ha ha ha.'" -Dad
*we laugh*
"Oh this is interesting.. Now we can openly talk about Zandry without worrying about Alex" -Mom
"mm.." -me
"So, any news?" -Mom
"Nope.. but I think he can't make it" -me
"Really? He hasn't said anything..? Why?" -Mom
"He's gone.. I called today.." -me
"Oh.. that's too bad" -Mom
"Yeah.." -me
"What did his grandma say?" -Mom
"I think it was his older brother" -me
"Oh.. Huh.. Well that's too bad.. I'm sorry" -Mom
"Yeah.. and it's odd, because he said he was at camp or something" -me
"What? Camp? That's really odd.. do you suppose he got in trouble?" -Mom
"I wouldn't know.." -me
"Maybe the social worker thought he was too young to be making such decisions.." -Mom
"too young to think" -Dad
"Yeah.." -me
"so maybe something happened" -Mom
"mm.." I shrug.
"I'm going to call his grandma and see.. I really don't know what to make of this, Tanya.... Sorry.." -Mom
"Yeah.." -me
She looks at me, and I'm blank. My sadness had been wiped from my mind, as I've already sworn my head off earlier.
"He could say that dancing is against his religion" -Dad
"Yeah right, and then they'd ask 'what religion?'" -Mom
"But there are religions that don't dance" -Dad
"Really?" -me
"But then they'd assume that he's a Jehovah's Witness" -Dad
"Oh, yeah, that wouldn't be good" -Mom
"Jehovah's Witnesses aren't allowed to have fun." -Mom
"I hear they can't have birthday parties either" -me
"No partying, no singing, not dancing, no drinking.." -Dad
"Can they laugh?" -Mom
"Yes.. but only devoutly. 'ha ha ha.'" -Dad
*we laugh*
"Oh this is interesting.. Now we can openly talk about Zandry without worrying about Alex" -Mom
"mm.." -me
"So, any news?" -Mom
"Nope.. but I think he can't make it" -me
"Really? He hasn't said anything..? Why?" -Mom
"He's gone.. I called today.." -me
"Oh.. that's too bad" -Mom
"Yeah.." -me
"What did his grandma say?" -Mom
"I think it was his older brother" -me
"Oh.. Huh.. Well that's too bad.. I'm sorry" -Mom
"Yeah.. and it's odd, because he said he was at camp or something" -me
"What? Camp? That's really odd.. do you suppose he got in trouble?" -Mom
"I wouldn't know.." -me
"Maybe the social worker thought he was too young to be making such decisions.." -Mom
"too young to think" -Dad
"Yeah.." -me
"so maybe something happened" -Mom
"mm.." I shrug.
"I'm going to call his grandma and see.. I really don't know what to make of this, Tanya.... Sorry.." -Mom
"Yeah.." -me
She looks at me, and I'm blank. My sadness had been wiped from my mind, as I've already sworn my head off earlier.
I'm Okay.
Yeah... A wave of calm consumes me now that I've said 'f*ck' around fifteen times.
Yeah.. I'm sane now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't blow up like that.. It's not a nice thing to see. And I'm not one to swear, you know.. Funny, isn't it?
I'm okay, no tears, no anger. Haha. I told you, I forgive too soon.Well, not forgiven, until I hear a reason. I'm still gonna be pissed at you.
Yeah.. I'm sane now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't blow up like that.. It's not a nice thing to see. And I'm not one to swear, you know.. Funny, isn't it?
I'm okay, no tears, no anger. Haha. I told you, I forgive too soon.Well, not forgiven, until I hear a reason. I'm still gonna be pissed at you.
And..
I keep getting this 'everyone hates me, nobody loves me' feeling. I really really dislike this. Beeecaaaause, it's not the time!
The phone rings.
As I walk down the stairs, I count the rings. One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Five.. click.. as the message machine goes on, I say the words "Hi you've reached Laurie, Jim, Alex, Tanya, and Carson. Please leave a message", echoing my own voice. I listen to the message. "Hey it's Chris! We're down at the lake, come join us!" he hangs up.
I chuckle as I walk back up the stairs.
Today's my parent's wedding anniversary, and they're dropping Alex off at college. I know because I heard Granny leaving a happy anniversary message on the machine.
Nana also called today. When she called, I picked up the phone. "Hi Nana" She asked about things, she asked if the power went out and how the first night was, and what Carson was up to.
I'm bored tired lonely worried.. Nothing much.
Doot doo...
As I walk down the stairs, I count the rings. One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Five.. click.. as the message machine goes on, I say the words "Hi you've reached Laurie, Jim, Alex, Tanya, and Carson. Please leave a message", echoing my own voice. I listen to the message. "Hey it's Chris! We're down at the lake, come join us!" he hangs up.
I chuckle as I walk back up the stairs.
Today's my parent's wedding anniversary, and they're dropping Alex off at college. I know because I heard Granny leaving a happy anniversary message on the machine.
Nana also called today. When she called, I picked up the phone. "Hi Nana" She asked about things, she asked if the power went out and how the first night was, and what Carson was up to.
I'm bored tired lonely worried.. Nothing much.
Doot doo...
Gibberish Of the Niiight
It's night. I'm home alone with my little brother. I made dinner tonight, stood stirring a pot of noodles. I don't like cooking, it's just like the phrase 'a watched pot never boils' except 'a meal by Tanya never cooks'. It took forever, or.. The minutes felt like such a long time to stand and stare into a pot. It's not very interesting, I can tell you that much. I wish I liked cooking, because then I wouldn't sit around hungry, not wanting to ask and not knowing how to cook. Bleh.. *shudders* And that shudder was not of hate of cooking, it just came out of nowhere. I think there's a draft or I just felt like shaking.
I'm wearing my bum coat. It faintly smells of wood, oil, and everything else. It smells like Gramps. I like that smell. Everyone laughed at me when I wanted his coat, because it reminds me so much of him... And it's got torn cuffs and holes and plain tones of gray, in a wide-spread plaid sort of design.. It's like the smell of burning wood, wood, and just work.. The smell of the woods at night. I love this coat. And my love for comfort, and not for looks, is amplified by it. It's my super coat. It says "I don't give a damn that I look like a bum and that it has holes, it feels good and reminds me of my grandpa". Gramps is my favorite relative.
I breathe in deeply, happy to see that the few times in the wash hadn't gotten rid of the distinct smell.
It makes you dizzy-ish though, but breathing in deeply smelling anything does that.
And I'm tired anyway.
I've said it a lot, but I'll say it again... I miss Zandry. I miss his mellow mood and his endless patience. I miss him telling me to go to bed, and me bribing for longer with a kiss. Or at least the genuine description, as not once can our hands nor lips meet at such a distance. I miss him telling me to eat, when I say I'm hungry. I miss him showing me poetry he's working on. I miss confessing dumb things I feel and think. I miss quoting music, telling him what I wrote in my diary last night. I miss the nearly constant sticking-out-tongue smily that we use. I miss him confusing me and the gameshow questions I was giving him.
"When's my birthday?" "What was your first comment on my journal entry on DA?" "What do I collect?" He got most of them right
"Sometime in February...... February 20th? *winces*" "nope, 21st" "crap :P"
"You were saying something asking for whoever read it to say hi.. so I did" "correct"
"I'm thinking I got this from somewhere else but... perfume bottles?" "correct"
I miss 'colliding' with him online. I miss him asking for pictures. I miss asking him for pictures. I miss him calling me 'Kawaii Bishoujo". I miss how patient he is with me, even when I'm an idiot. I miss how he says 'that's awesome!!' to the most unlikely things. I miss giving him manga. I miss him I miss him I miss him so much. And arg it's driving me insane, ahhaha.
It's only been four days.. But there are only two (goddamn that's not much..) days left till the date we expected for him to come here at. So.. It goes so slow, and it's so worrisome. Because I still don't know if he's coming. And gawd, it either could or couldn't be, depending on what he's been doing these past days... And I don't know. Until he comes back.. And I don't know when.
You only half realize how important someone is to you when they're with you. When they're gone, you realize. 'Holy sh-t they're gone! And I miss them! A lot! Because..." and then you remember all you love about them.
I have to say, again, I really love you Zandry.
And I'm lonely right now. *sad*
Wah... please come back.. I dun even know what you're doing..
*cling*
---
A sigh.
I'm wearing my bum coat. It faintly smells of wood, oil, and everything else. It smells like Gramps. I like that smell. Everyone laughed at me when I wanted his coat, because it reminds me so much of him... And it's got torn cuffs and holes and plain tones of gray, in a wide-spread plaid sort of design.. It's like the smell of burning wood, wood, and just work.. The smell of the woods at night. I love this coat. And my love for comfort, and not for looks, is amplified by it. It's my super coat. It says "I don't give a damn that I look like a bum and that it has holes, it feels good and reminds me of my grandpa". Gramps is my favorite relative.
I breathe in deeply, happy to see that the few times in the wash hadn't gotten rid of the distinct smell.
It makes you dizzy-ish though, but breathing in deeply smelling anything does that.
And I'm tired anyway.
I've said it a lot, but I'll say it again... I miss Zandry. I miss his mellow mood and his endless patience. I miss him telling me to go to bed, and me bribing for longer with a kiss. Or at least the genuine description, as not once can our hands nor lips meet at such a distance. I miss him telling me to eat, when I say I'm hungry. I miss him showing me poetry he's working on. I miss confessing dumb things I feel and think. I miss quoting music, telling him what I wrote in my diary last night. I miss the nearly constant sticking-out-tongue smily that we use. I miss him confusing me and the gameshow questions I was giving him.
"When's my birthday?" "What was your first comment on my journal entry on DA?" "What do I collect?" He got most of them right
"Sometime in February...... February 20th? *winces*" "nope, 21st" "crap :P"
"You were saying something asking for whoever read it to say hi.. so I did" "correct"
"I'm thinking I got this from somewhere else but... perfume bottles?" "correct"
I miss 'colliding' with him online. I miss him asking for pictures. I miss asking him for pictures. I miss him calling me 'Kawaii Bishoujo". I miss how patient he is with me, even when I'm an idiot. I miss how he says 'that's awesome!!' to the most unlikely things. I miss giving him manga. I miss him I miss him I miss him so much. And arg it's driving me insane, ahhaha.
It's only been four days.. But there are only two (goddamn that's not much..) days left till the date we expected for him to come here at. So.. It goes so slow, and it's so worrisome. Because I still don't know if he's coming. And gawd, it either could or couldn't be, depending on what he's been doing these past days... And I don't know. Until he comes back.. And I don't know when.
You only half realize how important someone is to you when they're with you. When they're gone, you realize. 'Holy sh-t they're gone! And I miss them! A lot! Because..." and then you remember all you love about them.
I have to say, again, I really love you Zandry.
And I'm lonely right now. *sad*
Wah... please come back.. I dun even know what you're doing..
*cling*
---
A sigh.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
If I met Zandry..
...I'd have to be wearing my bum coat. If you call me pretty in that, you win. Or.. You lose!
But that'd be funny. If you like me wearing that, you get a longer hug.
But that'd be funny. If you like me wearing that, you get a longer hug.
Bored n Lonely
I have Ariel to keep me company today. But I'm still very much missing Zandry. Three days are left, and I'm wondering, will it work at all? I still don't know.
He hasn't been on the internet nor anything for four and a half days. No way to contact him really.. Well, I could by phone, but I have this icky dislike for calling when I know they're busy or gone. I wish he'd pop on so I could know what's happening..... *sigh*
I'm hoping the 19th won't come and pass, with him still gone, no explanation. What would be bad is if he couldn't make it for some reason, and he was avoiding me because he didn't want to tell me. He'd better not do that.
I have this icky feeling that he'll be gone longer... And I have the icky feeling that he won't make it either. I really don't like the feeling I get.
Maybe he's busy, doing something else. I'd think he'd be thinking about this, as the date draws near..... He did want to see me.. didn't he..? I've tried and done the best I could do. We got the letter mailed, we called his grandma, we did all we could do. It's his turn, and I'm just hoping he's trying, at least. It's okay if it doesn't work, but I'd be sad to learn that he'd completely ignored the fact that he was supposed to come here, that he didn't try, lost track of the days. Because I'm really trying. And I really want this to work......
It scares me for him to be gone so long without warning, and when there's so much to do and so little time.....
Please come back soon, if you're not coming here.
I don't really want to hear that you were out doing something you had to do these four days. Course I don't want to hear that. Because I've tried so hard. I'm willing to cancel things and sacrifice just to see you.
This is why I kinda dread leaving things for fate. Because I wait, and wait, and that's the end of it. I'm never in control. I can't do anything about it, and that's that. I wish I could. I can only help.
My dreams always seem to need someone else to say yes to come true. It's really a pain, I think.
Oh... I sound like that again...... Waiting always gives me a sour feeling, I have to say. Waiting, it has so many bad memories. So ironic, that my mom's most said saying is "patience is a virtue".. 70 is a bad number. 7 in general. 7 is a week, 7 is a long time. 7 is just when the sun starts going down. Please don't be gone that long. Please appear, come back.
"When the day is long... and the night.. The night is yours alone.. When you're sure you've had enough, of this life. Well hang on. Don't let yourself go, cause everybody cries. And everybody hurts, sometimes."
Haha, good timing for such a song. It came on and random. By R.E.M..
I miss him I miss him. T__T ...
I'm afraid something bad will happen. I keep on forgetting why he likes me at all. I'm getting these icky thoughts all the time. Like, what if he decided it wasn't worth it. Or he's out doing something with someone and can't make it. Or he didn't like me anymore.. Or maybe he decides to break the friendship because I'm too far away. When he's gone, I forget... I worry. It's how my mind works. If you're gone, I'm afraid you'll continue to be gone. Natural sick to the stomach feeling I get from it. Ahh.. .... I'm worried, I don't like it, no no no..
He hasn't been on the internet nor anything for four and a half days. No way to contact him really.. Well, I could by phone, but I have this icky dislike for calling when I know they're busy or gone. I wish he'd pop on so I could know what's happening..... *sigh*
I'm hoping the 19th won't come and pass, with him still gone, no explanation. What would be bad is if he couldn't make it for some reason, and he was avoiding me because he didn't want to tell me. He'd better not do that.
I have this icky feeling that he'll be gone longer... And I have the icky feeling that he won't make it either. I really don't like the feeling I get.
Maybe he's busy, doing something else. I'd think he'd be thinking about this, as the date draws near..... He did want to see me.. didn't he..? I've tried and done the best I could do. We got the letter mailed, we called his grandma, we did all we could do. It's his turn, and I'm just hoping he's trying, at least. It's okay if it doesn't work, but I'd be sad to learn that he'd completely ignored the fact that he was supposed to come here, that he didn't try, lost track of the days. Because I'm really trying. And I really want this to work......
It scares me for him to be gone so long without warning, and when there's so much to do and so little time.....
Please come back soon, if you're not coming here.
I don't really want to hear that you were out doing something you had to do these four days. Course I don't want to hear that. Because I've tried so hard. I'm willing to cancel things and sacrifice just to see you.
This is why I kinda dread leaving things for fate. Because I wait, and wait, and that's the end of it. I'm never in control. I can't do anything about it, and that's that. I wish I could. I can only help.
My dreams always seem to need someone else to say yes to come true. It's really a pain, I think.
Oh... I sound like that again...... Waiting always gives me a sour feeling, I have to say. Waiting, it has so many bad memories. So ironic, that my mom's most said saying is "patience is a virtue".. 70 is a bad number. 7 in general. 7 is a week, 7 is a long time. 7 is just when the sun starts going down. Please don't be gone that long. Please appear, come back.
"When the day is long... and the night.. The night is yours alone.. When you're sure you've had enough, of this life. Well hang on. Don't let yourself go, cause everybody cries. And everybody hurts, sometimes."
Haha, good timing for such a song. It came on and random. By R.E.M..
I miss him I miss him. T__T ...
I'm afraid something bad will happen. I keep on forgetting why he likes me at all. I'm getting these icky thoughts all the time. Like, what if he decided it wasn't worth it. Or he's out doing something with someone and can't make it. Or he didn't like me anymore.. Or maybe he decides to break the friendship because I'm too far away. When he's gone, I forget... I worry. It's how my mind works. If you're gone, I'm afraid you'll continue to be gone. Natural sick to the stomach feeling I get from it. Ahh.. .... I'm worried, I don't like it, no no no..
I Miss..
...Zandry goddamnit.
He's been gone what.. four days?
It's saddening. "But it's a good sign, he could be working on getting stuff done for the plane ticket"
I guess. But he also could just be busy doing other things. If so, he gets a very hard poke to the side.
Arrrrrrrg I miss him.....!!!! T__T
He's been gone what.. four days?
It's saddening. "But it's a good sign, he could be working on getting stuff done for the plane ticket"
I guess. But he also could just be busy doing other things. If so, he gets a very hard poke to the side.
Arrrrrrrg I miss him.....!!!! T__T
"Gawd Tanya, what are you doing, updating your blog to say 'OMMMG ALEX IS LEAVING..!!' ?"
Yes I am.
OMG ALEX IS LEAVING.
But I don't think I'll miss him.
OMG ALEX IS LEAVING.
But I don't think I'll miss him.
Odd Dream
... T__T.. It's so goddamned early.... Arrrrrrg...
Hahaha.. This is the first time all summer I've woken up at 8:00 AM. Be proud.
Gooodbye Alex... It hasn't sunk in really. He's leaving today. I'm home by myself for a while, with my little brother. I have to cook dinner.. Oh noes.. haha.
Rice and noodles. *laugh* Simple enough.
I had the strangest dream last night.... I was in the forest with Zandry and I guess some relative. We found this huge beetle, and it kept chasing me!!! I was so pissed at it. I was yelling. I tried to trap it in a cup, but it kept running around in it... I yelled for Zandry to please please catch it, as I ran around in circles trying to avoid the damned thing. He attempted to, but it's fast. I tried a glass cup, but I was too hesitant to catch the thing. So I simply ran around for a long time. Then I bash it with a large rock. It stopped moving for a while. But then.. It got out from under and kept going! So I thought it was a demon of some sort, trying to kill me, haha. Well, by then anyone would. So I ran and ran away. I got to a mall. I asked someone to order me a drink, and prove that the bug wasn't still after me. They order it, some sort of cherry pop, and it bursts and spills all over. Disturbed and afraid, I run away.
The second part of the dream was about school. I was in my school, in my gym class. I was in the locker room, and it was the second day of school maybe, and for some reason we were supposed to leave the lock locked on the locker and not close it.. All the lockers were open. I was in my gym clothes, but they seemed to not want us to change. The class was over though.. So I start packing up. I slowly put my extra shirt and pants in my backpack, and then I pick up these two sheets of photos of me, which are out of nowhere. I try to find a good place for them, I put them in the outside pocket of my backpack, which is stuffed with kleenex. While looking down, I see a one dollar bill. "Oh wow, a one dollar bill!" I exclaim. The girl next to me hears, and asks if she can have it. "Well, I guess.." but I look on the ground and see there's more. I see another one. I pick it up. And then I see a folded five dollar bill. I pick that up too. The last one I leave for the other girl.
I go upstairs and the halls are empty. I walk to where the Japanese room would be in real life, but it's Connie's room.. My old World Religions teacher. I ask her what class were supposed to go to now. "The one you guys were practicing.." "oh, the one we went to for the extra five minutes?" "yes" For some reason I remember this clearly, as if my last dream had been about it. I remember which way to go. I walked out, and went down the hall to the right. I kept going right, turning, and then went down the stairs. (oh, now I remember.. at some point I did have another dream of this, but the room I ended up in was different.. I think it's a continuation of my last dream).. and I went outside. There was a single classroom in one of those portables as they're called, and no one was in sight. I looked around, and I heard someone call my name. It was my dad. "Dad, what are you doing here?" I ran up to him. "Aren't you supposed to be picked up from school yet? Sachika said it was time to pick you up..." "Oh, no.." I look at my watch, and realize I have about two more classes. "I actually have a few more classes.." "Ah, odd"
I see mom in a store, talking with the cashier, as she always seems to. I wave at her, but she doesn't see. She's too busy talking.
I walk back over to the classroom, and watch a few of my classmates, wandering around. Either skipping, or the teacher isn't there. I look, but I see a fairly old woman standing inside. I go there, and I go in and ask her if she's a substitute. She says she's a substitute for 'Steph'. "Oh.. I wouldn't recognize that name.." I say. There are no students there, so I go back out.
I think this is when I go to the forest, but there's still another part to my dream.
I follow mom and dad into this place.. It's a sort of clothes designing studio. We sit down. Mom laughs at an odd looking dress that's on display. I think at some point I actually try it on. It looks quite funny. We hang out there for a while, and then we hear some lady say "And now here's the dreaded part.. the list.." and she pulls out a list of names. I suddenly realize that we're not supposed to be there. I ask her, and she says that no, we're not on the list. I say that it's dumb how it's so unobvious that outsiders aren't allowed, there are no signs and the door is open. We leave.
And I think that's all to my dream. Odd.
Hahaha.. This is the first time all summer I've woken up at 8:00 AM. Be proud.
Gooodbye Alex... It hasn't sunk in really. He's leaving today. I'm home by myself for a while, with my little brother. I have to cook dinner.. Oh noes.. haha.
Rice and noodles. *laugh* Simple enough.
I had the strangest dream last night.... I was in the forest with Zandry and I guess some relative. We found this huge beetle, and it kept chasing me!!! I was so pissed at it. I was yelling. I tried to trap it in a cup, but it kept running around in it... I yelled for Zandry to please please catch it, as I ran around in circles trying to avoid the damned thing. He attempted to, but it's fast. I tried a glass cup, but I was too hesitant to catch the thing. So I simply ran around for a long time. Then I bash it with a large rock. It stopped moving for a while. But then.. It got out from under and kept going! So I thought it was a demon of some sort, trying to kill me, haha. Well, by then anyone would. So I ran and ran away. I got to a mall. I asked someone to order me a drink, and prove that the bug wasn't still after me. They order it, some sort of cherry pop, and it bursts and spills all over. Disturbed and afraid, I run away.
The second part of the dream was about school. I was in my school, in my gym class. I was in the locker room, and it was the second day of school maybe, and for some reason we were supposed to leave the lock locked on the locker and not close it.. All the lockers were open. I was in my gym clothes, but they seemed to not want us to change. The class was over though.. So I start packing up. I slowly put my extra shirt and pants in my backpack, and then I pick up these two sheets of photos of me, which are out of nowhere. I try to find a good place for them, I put them in the outside pocket of my backpack, which is stuffed with kleenex. While looking down, I see a one dollar bill. "Oh wow, a one dollar bill!" I exclaim. The girl next to me hears, and asks if she can have it. "Well, I guess.." but I look on the ground and see there's more. I see another one. I pick it up. And then I see a folded five dollar bill. I pick that up too. The last one I leave for the other girl.
I go upstairs and the halls are empty. I walk to where the Japanese room would be in real life, but it's Connie's room.. My old World Religions teacher. I ask her what class were supposed to go to now. "The one you guys were practicing.." "oh, the one we went to for the extra five minutes?" "yes" For some reason I remember this clearly, as if my last dream had been about it. I remember which way to go. I walked out, and went down the hall to the right. I kept going right, turning, and then went down the stairs. (oh, now I remember.. at some point I did have another dream of this, but the room I ended up in was different.. I think it's a continuation of my last dream).. and I went outside. There was a single classroom in one of those portables as they're called, and no one was in sight. I looked around, and I heard someone call my name. It was my dad. "Dad, what are you doing here?" I ran up to him. "Aren't you supposed to be picked up from school yet? Sachika said it was time to pick you up..." "Oh, no.." I look at my watch, and realize I have about two more classes. "I actually have a few more classes.." "Ah, odd"
I see mom in a store, talking with the cashier, as she always seems to. I wave at her, but she doesn't see. She's too busy talking.
I walk back over to the classroom, and watch a few of my classmates, wandering around. Either skipping, or the teacher isn't there. I look, but I see a fairly old woman standing inside. I go there, and I go in and ask her if she's a substitute. She says she's a substitute for 'Steph'. "Oh.. I wouldn't recognize that name.." I say. There are no students there, so I go back out.
I think this is when I go to the forest, but there's still another part to my dream.
I follow mom and dad into this place.. It's a sort of clothes designing studio. We sit down. Mom laughs at an odd looking dress that's on display. I think at some point I actually try it on. It looks quite funny. We hang out there for a while, and then we hear some lady say "And now here's the dreaded part.. the list.." and she pulls out a list of names. I suddenly realize that we're not supposed to be there. I ask her, and she says that no, we're not on the list. I say that it's dumb how it's so unobvious that outsiders aren't allowed, there are no signs and the door is open. We leave.
And I think that's all to my dream. Odd.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Bleh.
Journal Entry: Tue Aug 16, 2005, 9:07 PM
Mood: lonely/bored
Not in the best mood.
Carson is sitting over there, hogging the computer. He's done it for three days straight. And whenever I go on, he whiiiines at me forever going "Tanya always uses that computer! She chats for hours!" and junk. And now he's playing these games for hours and hours.
I let him use it, because Zandry seems to be gone, and I can talk to some people over here. But on this computer, msn doesn't work.. So yahoo.
But I'm remembering, I was kicked off by him two days ago, and I haven't been on that computer since.. And I left one of my chat programs open with an away message. Soo, someone must be kinda annoyed at me by now, because I'm online but away constantly. *shrugs* Oh well.
I asked Alex if he wanted to walk down to Green Lake with me tonight, and he said no. It's his last day here, and he's off to college tomorrow morning, 'never to return'... I like that. But I wanted to at least have a walk with him..
I think I was near tears when Sachika left, and she was only with us for a year. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react to having someone I spent my entire life with leave. *shrugs*
He's annoying, so I'm not sure. But I guess I shall miss him. Something will feel missing.
I now have four temporary tattoos waiting to be applied. Botan Rice Candy is good.
I was looking for the mochi that was in my soup and almost killed me in Japanese club, but I couldn't find it. It would be a icky way to die.
That's why you always have a vacuum cleaner near by, in case it gets lodged in your throat.
It didn't nearly kill me, I just had sooo much trouble. I was afraid it'd kill me. I spent like twenty minutes trying to chew it, I had tried to eat it whole. How stupid is that??! I couldn't cut it with chopsticks, so I put the whole thing in my mouth.. Then I discovered it is untearable, and unchewable. It just keeps to its sticky gooey texture, and I think I finally broke it down a little and swallowed it whole. It was a relief. I felt kinda dumb with my mouth full with such a long time, chewing endlessly... Haha.
-
Till next time...
~Tanya
Mood: lonely/bored
Not in the best mood.
Carson is sitting over there, hogging the computer. He's done it for three days straight. And whenever I go on, he whiiiines at me forever going "Tanya always uses that computer! She chats for hours!" and junk. And now he's playing these games for hours and hours.
I let him use it, because Zandry seems to be gone, and I can talk to some people over here. But on this computer, msn doesn't work.. So yahoo.
But I'm remembering, I was kicked off by him two days ago, and I haven't been on that computer since.. And I left one of my chat programs open with an away message. Soo, someone must be kinda annoyed at me by now, because I'm online but away constantly. *shrugs* Oh well.
I asked Alex if he wanted to walk down to Green Lake with me tonight, and he said no. It's his last day here, and he's off to college tomorrow morning, 'never to return'... I like that. But I wanted to at least have a walk with him..
I think I was near tears when Sachika left, and she was only with us for a year. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react to having someone I spent my entire life with leave. *shrugs*
He's annoying, so I'm not sure. But I guess I shall miss him. Something will feel missing.
I now have four temporary tattoos waiting to be applied. Botan Rice Candy is good.
I was looking for the mochi that was in my soup and almost killed me in Japanese club, but I couldn't find it. It would be a icky way to die.
That's why you always have a vacuum cleaner near by, in case it gets lodged in your throat.
It didn't nearly kill me, I just had sooo much trouble. I was afraid it'd kill me. I spent like twenty minutes trying to chew it, I had tried to eat it whole. How stupid is that??! I couldn't cut it with chopsticks, so I put the whole thing in my mouth.. Then I discovered it is untearable, and unchewable. It just keeps to its sticky gooey texture, and I think I finally broke it down a little and swallowed it whole. It was a relief. I felt kinda dumb with my mouth full with such a long time, chewing endlessly... Haha.
-
Till next time...
~Tanya
Entry for August 15, 2005
*yawn* *stretch* Gwaagghhah...
Journal Entry: Mon Aug 15, 2005, 7:12 PM
Mood: hot and sleepy
Listening to: Strange Attraction [Album Mix], The Cure
The phone rang four times. On the second time, I said simply to Alex over IM, "Phowned".
On the third time, I yelled roughly "SHUDDUP!" at it, stretching backwards in my chair, yawning and bringing out my arms with a "gwaaahggh.."
On the first time, Alex laughed at me. "Hahaha, owned" I say "hey, what dya mean?" he quoted mom "I'm sure she would"
I'm the only 'she' to speak of. So obviously mom was talking on the phone with a neighbor, telling them that 'of course' I can do a job. But I need 219 dollars (secret plan to take over the world, of course), so I don't mind it.
The second time was Riley.
Speaking of Riley, he's been stalking us, I swear. At nine PM last night, we saw him at Fred Meyer. They're not ones to shop at night. Today, at about 3:00, he came into Baskin Robins. Stalking, I swear.
Riley is Carson's best friend.
And I still haven't taught Carson how to use DA. I don't want to. I'm afraid, he has no artistic talent, I must say. He wants to submit his doodles... and I don't want him to get flamed.
Hohoho.. I have 75 bucks.. Yay yay yay. And 100 more after I paint the fence.. And 40 more, I got yesterday. Such makes me happy. I'm FREAKING rich! Well, until that plane ticket.. but yeah. It's worth every cent.
And I don't know if it'll work out. But I really want it to.
Really really. I get the icky feeling that it won't, so I'm trying to look on the bright side of having 230 or so dollars in my pocket. Heehee.. I can buy lots of candy.. So I'll try not to be too sad if it doesn't work. I want to see him, damn it! I don't give a damn about money, because I never have anything to buy. But I like the idea of wasting it all on antiques and crap. But I don't care much of money. The only reason I'm working and working for money is because I need it for the plane ticket. I waaaant to spend it on his plane ticket here. I really really do. I want him to visit.
We split the cost in half, so don't look at me like that.
I like being able to make a dream come true.
I just hope it works.
I still need to earn that 100 dollars though. But it's too hot out. I really don't want to sit out there painting, having my arse and legs go numb as I crouch in the dirt of the rock garden, killing my feet and trying to avoid crushing plants, attempting to balance, and wincing at spiders, all in 90 degree weather. No thanks.
Anyway, I have so many pictures I never posted, and I may as well post a few out of boredom.
I hate school. I have to say that before anything. Er.. too late.
--
Yawn.
But I have to admit, it's fun to have money. Especially when you're used to being broke. Especially when you've been in debt for a month or so doing household chores for a pair of wings. Yeah, those wings. The ones in the picture. But it was worth it, I think.
I need to run around.. Roll down a hill. And I'm loving today. Today is so great. Because, unlike every other day, it hasn't ENDED yet! It's amazing!!
I've even went back to sleep, and I assumed it would be 5 PM, but it was only 2. That makes me happy, so very happy.
Dear Nana and Gramps came over today. We're still in the process of finding the right new key for my Hope Chest.. I lost the only key. I joked with Alex that we might find a dead cat in there or something that rotted. That would suck.
I wonder where the key is... It was a pretty key.
I have junk stored in there, linens and pass-me-downs, and stuff.. I think I remember sticking pieces of paper through the cracks when it was locked, and they fell down into it. I don't really want to know what. I think it was some fanfiction I didn't want people to find in my room? Haha. I'm sure. But I wouldn't remember.
I say again today about something rotting in my hope chest. Alex says "Oh, like Micheal?" and I'm like "what?" and he's like "OH! Nevermind! HE ALREADY WAS ROTTEN!"
That wasn't even that clever.
I think he's jealous.
I don't hug him anymore, because he's a idiot.
And he hugged me every time I passed, which gets really, really annoying, so I retorted to whacking him instead.
Glad he stopped doing that, was such a pain.
The doorbell rang.
JEEZUS, do you people have lives!?!
STOP CALLING US! GO AWAY!
"I need to go buy knives now"
What the hell mom?
She laughed as she walked away. Scary.
She doesn't know that you collect knives, Zandry. Hahha.
"Why?" "Because they're shiny and sharp" "interesting"
You're weird.
"Go ninja Go ninja Go!"
I am not referring to Spyed. And that was Alex.
"you know our knives are hella dull, right?"
"yesh."
"300 years, so useful!"
"A knife should never have to die.. T__T"
"CARBON STEEL?!?!?! ZOMG. MOM MUST BUY THOSE! THAT IS KATANA STEEL"
"WTF IS WITH KNIFE SELLER"
"I used to play with him and his sister. In ur house, selling u knives!"
Weird runs in the family.
So does DEATH!
Dad said someone at work said that. 'death runs in my family' It runs in all families, silly.
Moo... Oh yeah, I remember that. On MSN we talked in like.. Moos and squawks or something. That was a bit amusing, but it's hard to have many variations of moo. There's the pleading moo "Mooooooo..!!!" and the happy moo "Moo ^___^" and the sad moo "Moo... T__T" and the 'what' moo "Moo..?" etc.
I wish I could cook. Ariel can cook. Didn't you set something on fire last time? That was funny.
You are my hero.
The phone rang again. GET A LIFE!
Five times now. In the last hour or so.
STOP CALLING. THIS IS NOT GEIKO.
--
My cheek is bleeding again...ew.
¬___¬;;
I like that face. ^__^
---
The phone rang.. Six times.
-
Till next time...
~Tanya
Journal Entry: Mon Aug 15, 2005, 7:12 PM
Mood: hot and sleepy
Listening to: Strange Attraction [Album Mix], The Cure
The phone rang four times. On the second time, I said simply to Alex over IM, "Phowned".
On the third time, I yelled roughly "SHUDDUP!" at it, stretching backwards in my chair, yawning and bringing out my arms with a "gwaaahggh.."
On the first time, Alex laughed at me. "Hahaha, owned" I say "hey, what dya mean?" he quoted mom "I'm sure she would"
I'm the only 'she' to speak of. So obviously mom was talking on the phone with a neighbor, telling them that 'of course' I can do a job. But I need 219 dollars (secret plan to take over the world, of course), so I don't mind it.
The second time was Riley.
Speaking of Riley, he's been stalking us, I swear. At nine PM last night, we saw him at Fred Meyer. They're not ones to shop at night. Today, at about 3:00, he came into Baskin Robins. Stalking, I swear.
Riley is Carson's best friend.
And I still haven't taught Carson how to use DA. I don't want to. I'm afraid, he has no artistic talent, I must say. He wants to submit his doodles... and I don't want him to get flamed.
Hohoho.. I have 75 bucks.. Yay yay yay. And 100 more after I paint the fence.. And 40 more, I got yesterday. Such makes me happy. I'm FREAKING rich! Well, until that plane ticket.. but yeah. It's worth every cent.
And I don't know if it'll work out. But I really want it to.
Really really. I get the icky feeling that it won't, so I'm trying to look on the bright side of having 230 or so dollars in my pocket. Heehee.. I can buy lots of candy.. So I'll try not to be too sad if it doesn't work. I want to see him, damn it! I don't give a damn about money, because I never have anything to buy. But I like the idea of wasting it all on antiques and crap. But I don't care much of money. The only reason I'm working and working for money is because I need it for the plane ticket. I waaaant to spend it on his plane ticket here. I really really do. I want him to visit.
We split the cost in half, so don't look at me like that.
I like being able to make a dream come true.
I just hope it works.
I still need to earn that 100 dollars though. But it's too hot out. I really don't want to sit out there painting, having my arse and legs go numb as I crouch in the dirt of the rock garden, killing my feet and trying to avoid crushing plants, attempting to balance, and wincing at spiders, all in 90 degree weather. No thanks.
Anyway, I have so many pictures I never posted, and I may as well post a few out of boredom.
I hate school. I have to say that before anything. Er.. too late.
--
Yawn.
But I have to admit, it's fun to have money. Especially when you're used to being broke. Especially when you've been in debt for a month or so doing household chores for a pair of wings. Yeah, those wings. The ones in the picture. But it was worth it, I think.
I need to run around.. Roll down a hill. And I'm loving today. Today is so great. Because, unlike every other day, it hasn't ENDED yet! It's amazing!!
I've even went back to sleep, and I assumed it would be 5 PM, but it was only 2. That makes me happy, so very happy.
Dear Nana and Gramps came over today. We're still in the process of finding the right new key for my Hope Chest.. I lost the only key. I joked with Alex that we might find a dead cat in there or something that rotted. That would suck.
I wonder where the key is... It was a pretty key.
I have junk stored in there, linens and pass-me-downs, and stuff.. I think I remember sticking pieces of paper through the cracks when it was locked, and they fell down into it. I don't really want to know what. I think it was some fanfiction I didn't want people to find in my room? Haha. I'm sure. But I wouldn't remember.
I say again today about something rotting in my hope chest. Alex says "Oh, like Micheal?" and I'm like "what?" and he's like "OH! Nevermind! HE ALREADY WAS ROTTEN!"
That wasn't even that clever.
I think he's jealous.
I don't hug him anymore, because he's a idiot.
And he hugged me every time I passed, which gets really, really annoying, so I retorted to whacking him instead.
Glad he stopped doing that, was such a pain.
The doorbell rang.
JEEZUS, do you people have lives!?!
STOP CALLING US! GO AWAY!
"I need to go buy knives now"
What the hell mom?
She laughed as she walked away. Scary.
She doesn't know that you collect knives, Zandry. Hahha.
"Why?" "Because they're shiny and sharp" "interesting"
You're weird.
"Go ninja Go ninja Go!"
I am not referring to Spyed. And that was Alex.
"you know our knives are hella dull, right?"
"yesh."
"300 years, so useful!"
"A knife should never have to die.. T__T"
"CARBON STEEL?!?!?! ZOMG. MOM MUST BUY THOSE! THAT IS KATANA STEEL"
"WTF IS WITH KNIFE SELLER"
"I used to play with him and his sister. In ur house, selling u knives!"
Weird runs in the family.
So does DEATH!
Dad said someone at work said that. 'death runs in my family' It runs in all families, silly.
Moo... Oh yeah, I remember that. On MSN we talked in like.. Moos and squawks or something. That was a bit amusing, but it's hard to have many variations of moo. There's the pleading moo "Mooooooo..!!!" and the happy moo "Moo ^___^" and the sad moo "Moo... T__T" and the 'what' moo "Moo..?" etc.
I wish I could cook. Ariel can cook. Didn't you set something on fire last time? That was funny.
You are my hero.
The phone rang again. GET A LIFE!
Five times now. In the last hour or so.
STOP CALLING. THIS IS NOT GEIKO.
--
My cheek is bleeding again...ew.
¬___¬;;
I like that face. ^__^
---
The phone rang.. Six times.
-
Till next time...
~Tanya
Out of Boredom
Brother oh annoying brother
tomorrow your gone,
grown up to plunder
amung the college fools
Brother oh annoying brother
your life begins,
and night, no slumber
as you bask in the glow
of two monitors
in a dorm room
to call half your own
Brother oh annoying brother,
no longer with us you will wander
around upstairs so late at night
forcing me to bed, just out of spite
and though I’ll miss your presence
your inside jokes
the good side of you
I’ll miss the most
but good riddence to you
and good luck with life
I hope to see you
once or twice
sometime next year
good luck, no fear,
your little sister
Tanya dear
I write bad poetry for my own amusement. Alex leaves tomorrow.
tomorrow your gone,
grown up to plunder
amung the college fools
Brother oh annoying brother
your life begins,
and night, no slumber
as you bask in the glow
of two monitors
in a dorm room
to call half your own
Brother oh annoying brother,
no longer with us you will wander
around upstairs so late at night
forcing me to bed, just out of spite
and though I’ll miss your presence
your inside jokes
the good side of you
I’ll miss the most
but good riddence to you
and good luck with life
I hope to see you
once or twice
sometime next year
good luck, no fear,
your little sister
Tanya dear
I write bad poetry for my own amusement. Alex leaves tomorrow.
Annoyance
A soft yawn and sigh to express my extreme annoyance. A headache. Silent except for the singing and humming and gibberish of my little brother, laying on the floor reading a comic book. A feeling of dread at the news of "I can't make it". A worried feeling at his lateness of return. Another exhale, another breath. Anything to tide the amplified awareness of the buzzing in my head.
What if you're too late..
"Tetris.. doo doo bobbooddooo dooo doo" he has video games for a brain. "Oh man, canvas cursed awnb---" he talks to himself. "Ooh, that isn't in the game." he says loudly, as if someone is listening. Someone has to listen, he must think. He whistles. "Dooooowwhaadoo" Like a toddler. He hums the Katamari Damacy theme.
I listen, my headache worsens.
I stretch and yawn. That means, 'I'm in pain go away I hate you'.. at least to me it does.
Yesterday, I took a nap in the afternoon I think. I fell asleep. I nearly knoow for sure that I cried out in my sleep. I could just tell. There were two times that I know I've done it. Once mom heard me. Was I that noisy? They're light sleepers, but my room is across the living room and dining room.. Near the front door, while there's is further back. The first time, I dreamt Alex was pulling me down the stairs by my wrist, and it was hurting me. I was shouting at him to stop, hitting his hand, kicking and trying to make him let go. I was so angry. He used to do that all the time.
The second time, I don't know what it was. All I remember is talking on the computer in the second dream, talking to Zandry. But something about it made me extremely sad.
Sometimes I have dreams that leave me with tears in my eyes in the morning. A strong emotion, though maybe in the dream, it meant nothing at all..
Oh, like that one time that I dreamt I died. I dreamt I was dead, and I became a ghost. I woke up when I found my body.
Mom stands over me, and I swiftly hit F11 to hide everything on the screen. "Anything new anything to see??" mom asks me. I still have a headache, and I try to mask it, but fail. "No." I say gruffly, annoyed. "Really?" "He's not there." "aah.."
I miss him... Dislike this very much. Does he know that the longer you wait, the more expensive the tickets are? *sighs*
He's not here to tell me to sleep and to eat. Haha Zandry, I'm tired and I'm not gonna sleeeep.
"Are you gonna eat anything healthy?" I take a sip of my pop, with no response to mom. It's these sort of things that make me stop eating. Quit making me feel bad. We bought goddamned candy today, what do you expect? Don't tell me to eat healthy when we just went out to get candy.
I need to eat more anyway. I lose weight a lot.
I think of all the pizza I ate and all the things I should be eating, and then I just don't eat at all...
*shakes head*
I'm tired, kind of annoyed. I'll go eat candy, haha. Well, something.
What if you're too late..
"Tetris.. doo doo bobbooddooo dooo doo" he has video games for a brain. "Oh man, canvas cursed awnb---" he talks to himself. "Ooh, that isn't in the game." he says loudly, as if someone is listening. Someone has to listen, he must think. He whistles. "Dooooowwhaadoo" Like a toddler. He hums the Katamari Damacy theme.
I listen, my headache worsens.
I stretch and yawn. That means, 'I'm in pain go away I hate you'.. at least to me it does.
Yesterday, I took a nap in the afternoon I think. I fell asleep. I nearly knoow for sure that I cried out in my sleep. I could just tell. There were two times that I know I've done it. Once mom heard me. Was I that noisy? They're light sleepers, but my room is across the living room and dining room.. Near the front door, while there's is further back. The first time, I dreamt Alex was pulling me down the stairs by my wrist, and it was hurting me. I was shouting at him to stop, hitting his hand, kicking and trying to make him let go. I was so angry. He used to do that all the time.
The second time, I don't know what it was. All I remember is talking on the computer in the second dream, talking to Zandry. But something about it made me extremely sad.
Sometimes I have dreams that leave me with tears in my eyes in the morning. A strong emotion, though maybe in the dream, it meant nothing at all..
Oh, like that one time that I dreamt I died. I dreamt I was dead, and I became a ghost. I woke up when I found my body.
Mom stands over me, and I swiftly hit F11 to hide everything on the screen. "Anything new anything to see??" mom asks me. I still have a headache, and I try to mask it, but fail. "No." I say gruffly, annoyed. "Really?" "He's not there." "aah.."
I miss him... Dislike this very much. Does he know that the longer you wait, the more expensive the tickets are? *sighs*
He's not here to tell me to sleep and to eat. Haha Zandry, I'm tired and I'm not gonna sleeeep.
"Are you gonna eat anything healthy?" I take a sip of my pop, with no response to mom. It's these sort of things that make me stop eating. Quit making me feel bad. We bought goddamned candy today, what do you expect? Don't tell me to eat healthy when we just went out to get candy.
I need to eat more anyway. I lose weight a lot.
I think of all the pizza I ate and all the things I should be eating, and then I just don't eat at all...
*shakes head*
I'm tired, kind of annoyed. I'll go eat candy, haha. Well, something.
Interesting....
I found another guy who likes me. *blinks* Now that's a first.
"I'll put you on the list" I said.
I'm surprised.
This doesn't happen a lot.
I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a 'battle'.
*laughs*
Well.. it's always nice to have a sort of.. backup, I guess. If things turn into hell, at least you've got someone to talk to, right?
Weston. I met him two months ago, on the internet, of course.. *thinks* I think he randomly IMed me, introducing himself as the friend of this person on DA. Lives in New York, does writing.
He has the similar trait to Zandry, which is to loath those girls with celeb bodies and tons of makeup.
"I am a very witty, sarcastic, funny person online and in my mind. But I'm am sooooooooo shy and quiet in person that I have the funniness in my head but it doesn't ever come out right through my mouth" he said.
"Nah, red, blue and pink are my favorite colors. Yes. Pink"
"You're really smart for not wanting to do any of this stuff and choosing not to. I really wish I never started trying alcohol, I'm not addicted but I like it and I know it hurts me. It's great that there are teens who are smart enough to just say no all together. So try to not change that, it isn't worth it, never will be, no matter how it looks and no matter what people say...it's not worth it"
"Oh and by the way...I may not get into a battle between that guy you might be dating but I will tell you. I'm really interested in getting to know you better, don't know what it is about you but...I just really would like to talk to you more and see what happens. You too, g'night"
--
Interesting. And I wonder, what is it about me, anyway?
Guy-friend number threeeeee.. Nikhil, Zandry, and Weston. Well, you too Renan, I just don't know you all that well.
He's 17, but, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, Zandry is my ultimate interest until I find reason for him not to be.
I kinda feel sorry for Weston now though, because I've been in his place. It's a pain to like someone who likes someone else. He'd make an interesting friend though. I just don't want to be someone to cause crap and unhappiness.
Now I'm happy not many people like me, haha.
Wes' would be someone I would date if could. But I feel taken. Though, in truth, I'm not. I just have my heart set. It'd be fun if I could date different people, because half the guys I hate, and the other half I just dislike in general, except a few. But, alas, distance. I have high standards, which is why I don't date.
Anyway, I'm hoping hoping so so so so much to meet Zandry. Gawd. It'd be the most fun I've had in a while. He was gone yesterday and today, so I worry of how much time we have. Time is almost up. I hope he's doing something....
I'm going to watch Kill Bill Volume II before Alex goes off to college.
Fate throws a few curve balls, but otherwise, life is so uneventful.
Hugs to everyone who bothers to read. Bye.
"I'll put you on the list" I said.
I'm surprised.
This doesn't happen a lot.
I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a 'battle'.
*laughs*
Well.. it's always nice to have a sort of.. backup, I guess. If things turn into hell, at least you've got someone to talk to, right?
Weston. I met him two months ago, on the internet, of course.. *thinks* I think he randomly IMed me, introducing himself as the friend of this person on DA. Lives in New York, does writing.
He has the similar trait to Zandry, which is to loath those girls with celeb bodies and tons of makeup.
"I am a very witty, sarcastic, funny person online and in my mind. But I'm am sooooooooo shy and quiet in person that I have the funniness in my head but it doesn't ever come out right through my mouth" he said.
"Nah, red, blue and pink are my favorite colors. Yes. Pink"
"You're really smart for not wanting to do any of this stuff and choosing not to. I really wish I never started trying alcohol, I'm not addicted but I like it and I know it hurts me. It's great that there are teens who are smart enough to just say no all together. So try to not change that, it isn't worth it, never will be, no matter how it looks and no matter what people say...it's not worth it"
"Oh and by the way...I may not get into a battle between that guy you might be dating but I will tell you. I'm really interested in getting to know you better, don't know what it is about you but...I just really would like to talk to you more and see what happens. You too, g'night"
--
Interesting. And I wonder, what is it about me, anyway?
Guy-friend number threeeeee.. Nikhil, Zandry, and Weston. Well, you too Renan, I just don't know you all that well.
He's 17, but, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, Zandry is my ultimate interest until I find reason for him not to be.
I kinda feel sorry for Weston now though, because I've been in his place. It's a pain to like someone who likes someone else. He'd make an interesting friend though. I just don't want to be someone to cause crap and unhappiness.
Now I'm happy not many people like me, haha.
Wes' would be someone I would date if could. But I feel taken. Though, in truth, I'm not. I just have my heart set. It'd be fun if I could date different people, because half the guys I hate, and the other half I just dislike in general, except a few. But, alas, distance. I have high standards, which is why I don't date.
Anyway, I'm hoping hoping so so so so much to meet Zandry. Gawd. It'd be the most fun I've had in a while. He was gone yesterday and today, so I worry of how much time we have. Time is almost up. I hope he's doing something....
I'm going to watch Kill Bill Volume II before Alex goes off to college.
Fate throws a few curve balls, but otherwise, life is so uneventful.
Hugs to everyone who bothers to read. Bye.
Monday, August 15, 2005
What was Quoted?
From Zandry and I Get Bored, I quoted a ton of songs... Or, we did. I'll list the ones I said, or the ones I know.
Bittersweet Symphony, Verve
The Crowing, Coheed & Cambria
We Care A Lot, Faith No More
Out of This World, The Cure
Dangerous, Frente
Big Sun, Shelleyan Orphan
Little Death, Shelleyan Orphan
Muddied Up, Shelleyan Orphan
Labor of Love, Frente
Shining Road, Cranes
Falling, Alison Moyet
Linger, Cranberries
And I Know, Alison Moyet
2113, Coheed & Cambria
Le Pain Perdu, Cibo Matto
Walking Down Madison, Kirsty Macoll*
Celestine, Kirsty Macoll
Treachery, Kirsty Macoll
Nightswimming, REM
The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite, REM
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, The Smiths
School Blood, King Black Acid
Carry This Picture, Dashboard Confessional
Keep On Breathing, The Delgados
Bizarre Love Triangle, Shelleyan Orphan
So Mad, Frente
Neverender, Coheed & Cambria
Whispering Your Name, Alison Moyet
I'll continue later.
Bittersweet Symphony, Verve
The Crowing, Coheed & Cambria
We Care A Lot, Faith No More
Out of This World, The Cure
Dangerous, Frente
Big Sun, Shelleyan Orphan
Little Death, Shelleyan Orphan
Muddied Up, Shelleyan Orphan
Labor of Love, Frente
Shining Road, Cranes
Falling, Alison Moyet
Linger, Cranberries
And I Know, Alison Moyet
2113, Coheed & Cambria
Le Pain Perdu, Cibo Matto
Walking Down Madison, Kirsty Macoll*
Celestine, Kirsty Macoll
Treachery, Kirsty Macoll
Nightswimming, REM
The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite, REM
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me, The Smiths
School Blood, King Black Acid
Carry This Picture, Dashboard Confessional
Keep On Breathing, The Delgados
Bizarre Love Triangle, Shelleyan Orphan
So Mad, Frente
Neverender, Coheed & Cambria
Whispering Your Name, Alison Moyet
I'll continue later.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Today
Today.........
Today I called Elizabeth. Today I tried to write poetry again. I wrote two poems and posted them both, one person added it to their favorites in the first few minutes. That's always fun.
Both poems were about Zandry, I admit. Titled Seventeen, and Underneath. Seventeen was forced and not very good. Underneath worked a bit better. I need practice.
you don't forget
you don't remember
you don't know how long
and how to mend her
you don't speak
you'll never say
you're lost beneath
the not okay
I just felt like trying to write poetry...
And now I'm going out to dinner. Ya..
Today I called Elizabeth. Today I tried to write poetry again. I wrote two poems and posted them both, one person added it to their favorites in the first few minutes. That's always fun.
Both poems were about Zandry, I admit. Titled Seventeen, and Underneath. Seventeen was forced and not very good. Underneath worked a bit better. I need practice.
you don't forget
you don't remember
you don't know how long
and how to mend her
you don't speak
you'll never say
you're lost beneath
the not okay
I just felt like trying to write poetry...
And now I'm going out to dinner. Ya..
....
And oh gawd.. You're as you always were. You're writing another manga. It's like every summer is the same for you. Write a sad song, enter a manga contest, watch FLCL, listen to the Pillows.. But how would I know
Eh.. Remembering these things make me tired.
Eh.. Remembering these things make me tired.
"Ouch! Meh arse!"
Duuumbaasss..
You stayed up all night again. Hohhohoho.. I watched Kill Bill, finally. It's nice.. The fat kid.. hahhaha. You never can kill the little fat kid.
Oh gawd, the elated high of getting noo sleep.. Wonderful.. Er.. no it's not. Stupid stupid stupid.
Maybe I can swear to stay awake all day.. Hell no, yeah right..
I am so calling you Elizabeth.
Sitting so long in that chair at night hurts.
Hair that smells like apples! That'd be fun. *laughter* I daare you. It's funny how guys are so uptight about their masculinity and refuse to do things that are girly. At least the average guy. You're not the average guy. One more thing I like about you. I feel like laughing a long time, but Alex would hear.
I think that's one reason I've had no tears and never make a sound. "Because Alex will hear.." "Alex is upstairs.." "I don't want Alex to see--" He's gone in some days. I wonder, will I cry once again when he's gone, because he won't be there to stop me? I learned to crumple up emotions like a piece of paper, but without appearing twisted, only on the inside. Like origami.
The reason I love never sleeping is, I can talk like this. Everything links up in my head, like I'm dreaming. Everything makes perfect sense. "That dancing elephant is supposed to be there!! Of course!! Why would it be odd? He's right there!" That's how it feels. Do you ever question anything in your dreams? No.. Everything is just there and you know it's normal.
I'm no good at singing. My vocal cords tighten of the odd range of sounds I command them to voice. They strangle from the inside. All that comes out is strangled. I'm better at mouthing the words and spitting air, because that's all I ever do, I can't have Alex hear me singing.
I can't have Alex see me writing this. I can't have Alex see me smile. I can't have Alex know about him. I can't have Alex see that. I can't have Alex see me dance. I can't have Alex see what I'm looking at. I can't have Alex hear about the plane ticket. I can't have Alex know how I feel. Alex Alex Alex.
"What's the name of my older brother?"
"The fool?"
"Ha, no, Alex."
"I think 'the fool' is better"
"Doesn't he have anything better to do?"
"well he has to say something, he can't let me by without saying something about it"
My paranoia, I can thank him for it. But I can also thank him for keeping me from crying. For making me suck it up and shut up. I don't hate him. Only sometimes. Only when he gets in my way.
--
Do you ever get the feeling that everything happens for a reason? I swear, Micheal, fate whispered me your name, but I heard it wrong. Was so obsessed.. So so so obsessed. Something told me it didn't matter how far. I like to think it was you who I was looking for, but I was looking at the wrong person. How would I know which way it should go.. Michael or Micheal? Did you know I used to always spell it wrong? I wonder how I spelled it. It'd be funny if it was your way.
Oh.. But I hate this, you know. I know it'll end someday, I just know it. It doesn't work. It really really really doesn't. I know that well. So I have to silently say goodbye to you everyday, so when you really go, I'll have said it enough. I don't want to feel like that again. I really don't. Obsession is so much pain.
Why do I remind you of San?
And why does The Crowing remind you of me?
I find it interesting how people look at me. Maybe it's because it's all I ever think about. How do people see me? It haunts me. The funny thing is, I know it means absolutely nothing. But it still haunts me. Maybe my 'mental disability' can get me out of a few presentations. Oh I wish. But no. Every time I'll have to shake like I leaf, because talking in front of people is so, so terribly important. We must stand in front and tell everyone exactly how we did it, and what we did. Because that's what life is about.. Talking to people, telling people.. What is wrong with these people..? Since when.. does this mean anything? No one respects life as something to enjoy. You have to be perfect and make progress to something that'll all end, eventually. Oh gosh, I'm talking about this again.. How I want to break away from this hell of importance... I think being a straight-A student makes me realize how stupid grades really are.
Life is life.. I wish someone understood. I wish we didn't have to be perfect to simply survive. To get a job, to have food... Wish it was easier. .. ... This is all an elaborate excuse for me to never speak to anyone again. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really don't. Sometimes...
What is with me? I think at night I get this strange feeling over me. As everyone sleeps I wonder why it goes on like it does..
Because it's always easier to follow directions then to stray off and go on your own.. That's why.
Haha, I'm so odd.. Off.. What's wrong with me..? I get this need to simply disappear. I feel like I want to drop out of the world and smile at everything that everyone passes up. Why can't I do this..? Why am I saying this again? Last time I did, I felt stupid in the morning. "Damn, I'm an idiot. Why do I say this crap.." But I know I wish it could work. Just when I start believing, that's when it's not good.
I weave my dreams with reason.
I try to make it sound like it should be.
--
"Summerhead is making me sleepy"
'My dreams flew with us, my tears have run away.. Our goal, goal collapsed. Energy of lonesome goal. Safe at last.. Safe at last... Safe fallen down this way..'
'Energy of lonesome goal' makes me think of the unlikely dream that's coming close. Oh it's so unlikely.. But I wish I wish. And if it fails, the energy and wish that was behind it will linger for a long time. I wish I wish. Just knowing one person cares so much is enough to keep me happy for a very long time.
Think on the bright side. If this doesn't work, I have two hundred twenty freaking dollars. And damn that feels good. *laughs*
But I still want to throw all that money away just for one thing.
To feel loved? Yes. You can't buy that, but you can buy the chance. But do you?
"I stayed up 20 hours to talk to you. If you don't think so after that, you're on your own"
I love how I can quote you on anything I'm talking about, haha.
By the way, 'oh shit' I'm falling again.
"My eyes are burning, and Timmy is dead"
"Poor Timmy.. No one cares about him.."
Every time you swear, god kills a kitten. Think of the kittens!!!!
But in our case, Timmy is falling down a well. Was that it..? How the heck do you get him out of there, anyway? Saying good words?
I loooove inside jokes so much.
You give me so many random smiles in the middle of the night, it's funny.
How did that become a tradition..? Not that, but that. That. Every end. Every time. I think goodnight is always a key for something to happen. You don't just leave for the night without doing something. A wave, or a poke. Or something. Haha.. Another smile.
I took a long bath and that was happy. "You should take baths more often" I'll quote you until someone stabs me.
I talk to you too long. Well wait.. It'd be too long, if it was someone else. 4-6 hours a day is too long for someone else.
I can't believe you talk to me so long. And how did this turn into an entry talking to you, Zandry, Micheal, Makiaru? See, your not even here, and I'm still talking to you. What's with that?
I knew from the first time, that I would never let you go, you know. Well yeah.. After talking to you for record time, 18 or so hours, no sleep, no stop, we just kept on talking and talking, I knew that there was something special.. And it was the second time I'd ever spoken to you in my life? Yes... I think so. I remember how we both asked each other "what have we been talking about for the last five hours?" and "I can't believe we're still talking" and "We're talking about nothing yet it's not getting boring.."
It's promising that no matter how weird I get, I don't freak you out. I hold back, because I'm not sure how fearless you are yet. I'm sooo weird...
The problem is, I'm way too open. Gawd I scared him. Hoo.. *starts laughing* I am never, ever, bringing that up again. EVER. That was so terrible of me. Smoooth mooove....
The perfect guy is a guy I can whine to and also talk about creepy girly things with. That sounds scary, doesn't it? Very.
It's also promising that you think my huge collection of dolls is cool. Most would see it as very odd and childish. I think..
"..."
"-poke-"
"hey, what?"
"Stop making my imperfections disappear.."
That was funny.
I really really really really really like you. I'd say I love you, but I haven't 'met' you, so it'd be creepy. Oh shit, I already did.
*Timmy starts drowning*
Oh Timmy!! I'm so sorry!!!!!!
There's something fun about never seeing the one you love. Er, not love. I can't say that. Like very much. I don't know what. But it's fun. It makes things more interesting, I think. And what's cool is, you can ask things you'd regret asking, and you won't have to deal with their expression and you won't have to pass them in the hall the next day.
I bet you, I bet you that fate will whack me on the head again. Either you won't make it here, or, you'll think I'm really really ugly. Oh I bet you..! You're so gonna jinx me! Saying I'm pretty and junk, with your 16 color display. "I have seen you in full color you know" Hahaha. Most people don't have this issue. Again, makes things more interesting.
It's like a blind blind date. You don't know who it is, you just hear them.
By now I have your outline, I see your nose, lips, eyes, face, but that's all I can define for sure. You should grow your hair long again, that was cool. Course you want to anyway, so yay.
And it must be amusing to all that I feel such for someone so far away.. And sigh. You guys already know I'm weird, so no words. I think I like having something to look forward to. I look forward to meeting him, whenever that is. I pray to the cows that he hasn't eaten that this will be soon. *laugh* He spared your lives, cows, so bless me! Er.. Bless him! Bless him with your mooing glory! Transport him here! Pleeeease..
Oh gawd, I hate how this place is closed over the weekend. Two days more to go 'oh no, time is running low!' and for once you were actually planning to go out and get it done, and of course it's closed.. Arrrrrgh, hurry Zandry, hurry!!!! I want to have a week of fun before school starts! One week to see who I've been talking to for.. more than 180 hours..
I wish I wish.
You stayed up all night again. Hohhohoho.. I watched Kill Bill, finally. It's nice.. The fat kid.. hahhaha. You never can kill the little fat kid.
Oh gawd, the elated high of getting noo sleep.. Wonderful.. Er.. no it's not. Stupid stupid stupid.
Maybe I can swear to stay awake all day.. Hell no, yeah right..
I am so calling you Elizabeth.
Sitting so long in that chair at night hurts.
Hair that smells like apples! That'd be fun. *laughter* I daare you. It's funny how guys are so uptight about their masculinity and refuse to do things that are girly. At least the average guy. You're not the average guy. One more thing I like about you. I feel like laughing a long time, but Alex would hear.
I think that's one reason I've had no tears and never make a sound. "Because Alex will hear.." "Alex is upstairs.." "I don't want Alex to see--" He's gone in some days. I wonder, will I cry once again when he's gone, because he won't be there to stop me? I learned to crumple up emotions like a piece of paper, but without appearing twisted, only on the inside. Like origami.
The reason I love never sleeping is, I can talk like this. Everything links up in my head, like I'm dreaming. Everything makes perfect sense. "That dancing elephant is supposed to be there!! Of course!! Why would it be odd? He's right there!" That's how it feels. Do you ever question anything in your dreams? No.. Everything is just there and you know it's normal.
I'm no good at singing. My vocal cords tighten of the odd range of sounds I command them to voice. They strangle from the inside. All that comes out is strangled. I'm better at mouthing the words and spitting air, because that's all I ever do, I can't have Alex hear me singing.
I can't have Alex see me writing this. I can't have Alex see me smile. I can't have Alex know about him. I can't have Alex see that. I can't have Alex see me dance. I can't have Alex see what I'm looking at. I can't have Alex hear about the plane ticket. I can't have Alex know how I feel. Alex Alex Alex.
"What's the name of my older brother?"
"The fool?"
"Ha, no, Alex."
"I think 'the fool' is better"
"Doesn't he have anything better to do?"
"well he has to say something, he can't let me by without saying something about it"
My paranoia, I can thank him for it. But I can also thank him for keeping me from crying. For making me suck it up and shut up. I don't hate him. Only sometimes. Only when he gets in my way.
--
Do you ever get the feeling that everything happens for a reason? I swear, Micheal, fate whispered me your name, but I heard it wrong. Was so obsessed.. So so so obsessed. Something told me it didn't matter how far. I like to think it was you who I was looking for, but I was looking at the wrong person. How would I know which way it should go.. Michael or Micheal? Did you know I used to always spell it wrong? I wonder how I spelled it. It'd be funny if it was your way.
Oh.. But I hate this, you know. I know it'll end someday, I just know it. It doesn't work. It really really really doesn't. I know that well. So I have to silently say goodbye to you everyday, so when you really go, I'll have said it enough. I don't want to feel like that again. I really don't. Obsession is so much pain.
Why do I remind you of San?
And why does The Crowing remind you of me?
I find it interesting how people look at me. Maybe it's because it's all I ever think about. How do people see me? It haunts me. The funny thing is, I know it means absolutely nothing. But it still haunts me. Maybe my 'mental disability' can get me out of a few presentations. Oh I wish. But no. Every time I'll have to shake like I leaf, because talking in front of people is so, so terribly important. We must stand in front and tell everyone exactly how we did it, and what we did. Because that's what life is about.. Talking to people, telling people.. What is wrong with these people..? Since when.. does this mean anything? No one respects life as something to enjoy. You have to be perfect and make progress to something that'll all end, eventually. Oh gosh, I'm talking about this again.. How I want to break away from this hell of importance... I think being a straight-A student makes me realize how stupid grades really are.
Life is life.. I wish someone understood. I wish we didn't have to be perfect to simply survive. To get a job, to have food... Wish it was easier. .. ... This is all an elaborate excuse for me to never speak to anyone again. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really don't. Sometimes...
What is with me? I think at night I get this strange feeling over me. As everyone sleeps I wonder why it goes on like it does..
Because it's always easier to follow directions then to stray off and go on your own.. That's why.
Haha, I'm so odd.. Off.. What's wrong with me..? I get this need to simply disappear. I feel like I want to drop out of the world and smile at everything that everyone passes up. Why can't I do this..? Why am I saying this again? Last time I did, I felt stupid in the morning. "Damn, I'm an idiot. Why do I say this crap.." But I know I wish it could work. Just when I start believing, that's when it's not good.
I weave my dreams with reason.
I try to make it sound like it should be.
--
"Summerhead is making me sleepy"
'My dreams flew with us, my tears have run away.. Our goal, goal collapsed. Energy of lonesome goal. Safe at last.. Safe at last... Safe fallen down this way..'
'Energy of lonesome goal' makes me think of the unlikely dream that's coming close. Oh it's so unlikely.. But I wish I wish. And if it fails, the energy and wish that was behind it will linger for a long time. I wish I wish. Just knowing one person cares so much is enough to keep me happy for a very long time.
Think on the bright side. If this doesn't work, I have two hundred twenty freaking dollars. And damn that feels good. *laughs*
But I still want to throw all that money away just for one thing.
To feel loved? Yes. You can't buy that, but you can buy the chance. But do you?
"I stayed up 20 hours to talk to you. If you don't think so after that, you're on your own"
I love how I can quote you on anything I'm talking about, haha.
By the way, 'oh shit' I'm falling again.
"My eyes are burning, and Timmy is dead"
"Poor Timmy.. No one cares about him.."
Every time you swear, god kills a kitten. Think of the kittens!!!!
But in our case, Timmy is falling down a well. Was that it..? How the heck do you get him out of there, anyway? Saying good words?
I loooove inside jokes so much.
You give me so many random smiles in the middle of the night, it's funny.
How did that become a tradition..? Not that, but that. That. Every end. Every time. I think goodnight is always a key for something to happen. You don't just leave for the night without doing something. A wave, or a poke. Or something. Haha.. Another smile.
I took a long bath and that was happy. "You should take baths more often" I'll quote you until someone stabs me.
I talk to you too long. Well wait.. It'd be too long, if it was someone else. 4-6 hours a day is too long for someone else.
I can't believe you talk to me so long. And how did this turn into an entry talking to you, Zandry, Micheal, Makiaru? See, your not even here, and I'm still talking to you. What's with that?
I knew from the first time, that I would never let you go, you know. Well yeah.. After talking to you for record time, 18 or so hours, no sleep, no stop, we just kept on talking and talking, I knew that there was something special.. And it was the second time I'd ever spoken to you in my life? Yes... I think so. I remember how we both asked each other "what have we been talking about for the last five hours?" and "I can't believe we're still talking" and "We're talking about nothing yet it's not getting boring.."
It's promising that no matter how weird I get, I don't freak you out. I hold back, because I'm not sure how fearless you are yet. I'm sooo weird...
The problem is, I'm way too open. Gawd I scared him. Hoo.. *starts laughing* I am never, ever, bringing that up again. EVER. That was so terrible of me. Smoooth mooove....
The perfect guy is a guy I can whine to and also talk about creepy girly things with. That sounds scary, doesn't it? Very.
It's also promising that you think my huge collection of dolls is cool. Most would see it as very odd and childish. I think..
"..."
"-poke-"
"hey, what?"
"Stop making my imperfections disappear.."
That was funny.
I really really really really really like you. I'd say I love you, but I haven't 'met' you, so it'd be creepy. Oh shit, I already did.
*Timmy starts drowning*
Oh Timmy!! I'm so sorry!!!!!!
There's something fun about never seeing the one you love. Er, not love. I can't say that. Like very much. I don't know what. But it's fun. It makes things more interesting, I think. And what's cool is, you can ask things you'd regret asking, and you won't have to deal with their expression and you won't have to pass them in the hall the next day.
I bet you, I bet you that fate will whack me on the head again. Either you won't make it here, or, you'll think I'm really really ugly. Oh I bet you..! You're so gonna jinx me! Saying I'm pretty and junk, with your 16 color display. "I have seen you in full color you know" Hahaha. Most people don't have this issue. Again, makes things more interesting.
It's like a blind blind date. You don't know who it is, you just hear them.
By now I have your outline, I see your nose, lips, eyes, face, but that's all I can define for sure. You should grow your hair long again, that was cool. Course you want to anyway, so yay.
And it must be amusing to all that I feel such for someone so far away.. And sigh. You guys already know I'm weird, so no words. I think I like having something to look forward to. I look forward to meeting him, whenever that is. I pray to the cows that he hasn't eaten that this will be soon. *laugh* He spared your lives, cows, so bless me! Er.. Bless him! Bless him with your mooing glory! Transport him here! Pleeeease..
Oh gawd, I hate how this place is closed over the weekend. Two days more to go 'oh no, time is running low!' and for once you were actually planning to go out and get it done, and of course it's closed.. Arrrrrgh, hurry Zandry, hurry!!!! I want to have a week of fun before school starts! One week to see who I've been talking to for.. more than 180 hours..
I wish I wish.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Crap
Soo.. Last night I didn't sleep very well.. Well, I fell asleep at about 5 AM.. Again.
And then I wake up now, at 4:30 or so. And then I remember I was going to call Elizabeth in the afternoon. 'crap' And I'm already late.
And then I find out that today's the block party and my mom wishes to drag me out to talk to everyone and stuff.. And she expects me to stay out there for a long time. So yesh.. Crap.
I'm so sorry Elizabeth!!! T___T Arrg.. *curses my lack of sleep and habit of sleeping in*
I'm totally going to sleep early tonight and setting my alarm.. *sighs*
"I'll call you tomorrow", I have to say again, and I dislike how unconvincing that sounds..... *shakes head* Well, if you don't believe me, we'll see. =P
-hugs to Elizabeth-
Nooo, you are wrong, it is I who is the sucky friend. *laughs*
I had better wake up at a decent time tomorrow..
And then I wake up now, at 4:30 or so. And then I remember I was going to call Elizabeth in the afternoon. 'crap' And I'm already late.
And then I find out that today's the block party and my mom wishes to drag me out to talk to everyone and stuff.. And she expects me to stay out there for a long time. So yesh.. Crap.
I'm so sorry Elizabeth!!! T___T Arrg.. *curses my lack of sleep and habit of sleeping in*
I'm totally going to sleep early tonight and setting my alarm.. *sighs*
"I'll call you tomorrow", I have to say again, and I dislike how unconvincing that sounds..... *shakes head* Well, if you don't believe me, we'll see. =P
-hugs to Elizabeth-
Nooo, you are wrong, it is I who is the sucky friend. *laughs*
I had better wake up at a decent time tomorrow..
Friday, August 12, 2005
Zandry and I Get Bored
Random Lyric Excepts
"it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.."
"I'll kill you all!"
"but I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can change I can change.."
"I close my eyes as the curtains draw, I thought I heard your voice but I thought wrong"
"(We care a lot), about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees.. About the NASA shuttle falling in the sea.. (we care a lot) about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought.."
"one last time before it's over, one last time before the end" "I've come to the conclusion yes I know, the between black and white there is no room for two"
"you don't even have a future to keep you warm"
"Awake on my airplane awake on my airplane"
"all the boys and girls are falling in a hush in the unkind world"
"I dont want you, to give it all up, and leave your whole life collecting dust"
"Unhappy people.. like to hurt things, I am told.."
"People like you, you live in a dream world, you despise the outside and fear the next one"
"here in my fingers, I hold the reasons for your fears"
"Turn her over, A candle is lit I see through her, blow it out and save all her ashes for me"
"look to the phone, it doesn't ring, I see your face in everything.. in everything.."
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface"
"I... don't even know what day it is.."
"Elegantly wasted and I can taste it here I sit, trying not to fake this gift of beauty myth, I can't help but feel like this"
"hope is feeling lost... I'm staring at your mouth again.."
"Broken home, all alone"
"it's just like waking up with my eyes shut.."
"Because I dont know you anymore, I dont recognize this place, the picture frames have changed and so has your name, we don't talk much anymore, we keep running from the pain, what I wouldn't give to see your face"
"I don't know how I've been, what you said, to what I believe you meant. I don't know anything at all"
"The snow is more lonely then cold if you know what i mean"
"if you want to find me, call me, I'll be far from the cars and guitars and everybody.."
"My end, it justifies my means, all I ever do is delay, my every attempt to evade"
"she's been making plans to go, hit the bright lights, hit the road.."
"It's our time to shine, through the dammed, glorify by what it ours"
"he said take me then, I want to drown, deep in your violent eyes"
"I want to take the bullet, the one aimed strait for your heart, I want to meet the wolves halfway and let them tear me apart" "if you.. if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade"
"I want to write the perfect song, and play it just for you!"
"you know I'm such a fool for you, you've got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?"
"In my hands, a legacy of memories, I can't hear you say my name, I can almost see your smile, feel the warmth of your embrace..but there is nothing but silence now, around the one I loved, Is this, our farewell?"
"and now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.. you're what I couldn't find"
"Can the creatious light, learn to prototize, the sun sealed the day, after painting canvas sky beautifuly, now I watch the people rolling by my window, wondering if they have found what they are looking for, cuz everyone has a sad song inside, that will forever, keep us alive"
"she told me today, I'm in your way, she says your heading somewhere.. you have a long way to go, even more than she knows. .she thinks your half the way there"
"In our sleep, there is more to this nightmare, will she beg for your mercy?"
"the sky is too bright, the ocean too wide.."
"Day after day, our love turns grey...like the skin of the dying man, night after night, we pretend it's alright, but i have grown older, and you have grown cold and nothing is very much fun, anymore"
"Walking down Madison, I swear I never had a gun. No one ever shot no one, wouldn't do it just for fun. Walking down Madison, I swear I never had a gun, was philosophising some, checking out the nuns"
"And I see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all i can do is try"
"she pretends she can't hear me, she pretends that she's nowhere near me, she just goes quiet and pretends she's not in.. But Celestine I know your there.."
"You know they put a man on the moon simply to prove that we got no place to go"
"and here I am, he shouldn't have turned my rock.. he's brushing his teeth, he doesn't look back from this far. I'm calling a cab, and I'm going to follow his car, wherever he goes, I won't be too far behind, driving him out of his mind"
"Sometimes when I need them, if I look hard enough to see them I can find my feet"
"he used to write all the time, how lovely I am, he really made me feel fine. But how they forget, he needed a wakeup call, and he will regret, having been so shallow.."
"What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive"
"nightswimming deserves a quiet night.. a photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago.. turn around backwards so the windsheild shows, every streetlight reveils a picture and a verse.."
"Whenever she is raging, she takes all life away, Haven't you seen? Haven't you seen? The ruins of our world"
"this here is the place I will be staying.. there isn't a number, you can call the payphone, let it ring a long long long long time.. If I don't pick up, hang up, let it ring some more...."
"no hope, no harm, just another false alarm.. So tell me how long, before the last one. And tell me how long, before the right one"
"See all those people on the ground, wasting time, try to hold it all inside, just for tonight"
"The story is old, I know, but it goes on.."
"Without it all, i'm choking on nothing, it's clear in my head i'm screaming for something"
"well you better write this down, you better remember why you left me alone"
"I need forgivness from the people I truly care about, I need support behind my back to help me spit it out, I'm going to win i can't afford to blow this one, I hate myseld I love myself"
"carry this picture for luck, kept in a locket, tucked in your collar, close to your chest, keep it a secret, to tell to the closest friends.."
"I felt the air rise up in me, kneel down and clear the stone of leaf, I wonder out where you can't see, inside my shell I'll wait and bleed"
"a life that never dims, is evidently lonely, we all need a tale tell.. Just another list of conciquences of things that we do"
"I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinding by the white light, I can't remember how I can't remeber why, i'm lying here tonight"
"everytime I think of you I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue.. it's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find, living a life I can't leave behind"
"I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue...There are no flowers no not this time, there will be no angels racing the line, just these stark words i find, i'd show a smile but i'm too weak, i'd share with you could i only speak, just how much this hurts me"
"translucent skin, I'm looking in, I feel a ghost. I scared away and left the one I need the most. I just want to bury it and leave my tears to sink in the grave. What makes me so mad, is the shouting in my room, is only my heart beating.."
"In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad I'll write you in this letter that states, when the new days begun, forget your son while he's out on his own"
"just because she ran right here, doesn't mean I interfeired, now I'm wondering if we can feel the same.. cause she keeps whispering your name, she keeps on whispering your name like she's just waiting"
"In the marrows good morning the dieing will discard the wish, to live"
"I want you, then no one, tread water then to drown.. I want you, then no one, tread water then.. to drown.."
"Every time it rains, I feel her holding me, and every time it rains, are the angels crying?"
"I'm feeling so calm, I've got a big smile. I have a view of the sun, right over the sea. Now can feel, life is flowing through me"
"Trust in my, self-rigious suicide, I, cry, when angels deserve to die"
"all the boys and all the girls, sweet toothed, each and every one a little scary, I said your name. I wore it like a badge of teenage film stars, half spars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras.. Dreaming of Maria Callas whoever she is... this fame thing, I don't get it"
"Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see? have i lost my mind?"
"I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it. Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves. I can take you far. This star thing, I don't get it.."
"I guess it's ok I puked the day away, I guess it's better then you trapped yourself in your own way, and if you want me back, you're gunna have to ask"
"Will you live to 83? Will you ever welcome me? Will you show me something that nobody else has seen? Smoke it, drink. Here comes the flood, anything to thin the blood. These corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet"
"Look in my eyes, i'm jaded now, whatever that means, sharing these things, ripping my heart out, it's worth me time, whatever that means"
"Phone, eat it, drink. Just another chink. Cuts and dents, they catch the light. Alluminum, the weakest link"
"I think of what it looks like, I think of what it taste like, same, strange, same, strange, strange cuz I feel the same"
"I don't want to disappoint you, I'm not here to anoint you. I would lick your feet, but is that the sickest move? I wear my own crown of saddness and sorrow. And who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange? My loss, and here we go again"
"I, feel so numb, All, I've become, Has, fallen apart, hole, in my heart...severed fragment of my being, pieced together give life meaning, fragile quilts of faded memories, torn apart by life's disease again"
"Look up, what do you see? All of you and all of me. Fluorescent and starry. Some of them, they surprise"
"My freedom is best, whole country's on house arrest, everyone's a suspect, can't feel the flow because you died, face down on a suicide"
"I can't look it in the eyes. Seconal, spanish fly, absinthe, kerosene. Cherry-flavored neck and collar. I can smell the sorrow on your breath. The sweat, the victory and sorrow. The smell of fear, I got it"
"I can remember, I dont understand, is it malice that makes you this way? Carry it with you till someone forgives you, I laugh cuz there's nothing to say"
"The cat in the hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way. Always had a smile and a reason to pretend. But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream. The sidewinder sleeps on his back"
"Am i loud and clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck? Are we getting closer or just getting more lost, I'll show you mine if you show me yours first, lets compare scars i'll tell you who's worse"
"And all this talk of time, talk is fine. But I don't want to stay around. Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes and sleep sweet dreams. Me and you with wings on our feet"
"Sometimes I feel like i dont have a partener, sometimes i feel like my only, is the city i live in, the city of angels? lonely as i am, together we fly"
"I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears. Sweetest dreams of you. I look into the stars, I look into the moon."
"I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, I had to fought to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter"
"I count your eyelashes secretly, with every one whisper I love you. I let you sleep, I know your closed eye's watching me. Listening. I thought I saw a smile"
"I put my trust, in you, pushed as far i can go, for all this, there's only one thing you should know, I put my trust in you, pushed as far as i can go, for all this, there's only one things you should know, i tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, i had to fought to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter"
"I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages, just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, to awkward rhymes. You always say your name like I wouldn't know it's you. At your most beautiful"
"When passion's lost, and alll the trust is gone, for way too far for way too long, children crying, cast out and neglected, only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold, hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, as you watch them drift away"
"charades, pop skill. Water hyacinth, named by a poet. Imitation of life. Like a koi in a frozen pond, like a goldfish in a bowl. I don't want to hear you cry"
"I can tolerate your sadness, cause it means you are drowning, I won't allow any happiness, cuz every time you laugh I feel so guilty..guilty...I feel so guilty!"
"You want the greatest thing, the greatest thing since bread came sliced. You've got it all you've got it sussed. Like a Friday fashion show, teenager freezing in the corner. Trying to look like you don't try"
"I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket, I lean against the wind, and pretend that I am weightless...and in this moment I am happy"
"Hell, how are you? I know you, I knew you. I think I can remember your name... name.. Hello, I'm sorry, I lost myself. I think I thought you were someone else. Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk about the government?"
"A decade ago, I never thought I would a 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion wow is me, but that it goes with the territory"
"I've watched the children come and go. A late long march into spring. I sit and watch those children jump in the tall grass. Leap in the sprinkler, walk in the ground. Bicycle clothespin spokes. The sound the smell of swingset hands. I will try to sing a happy song. I'll try and make a happy game to play"
"What's in me, is in you, what's got me, had got you, and everything told, must come true, pretending to be real, forgetting who you are"
---
"I can be your school's Canadian exchange student, explore different and abnormal countries"
"yes. Speak with an accent."
"be all.. 'Wow eh! A school eh! I have one of those eh!' "
*laughs*
--
"it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.."
"I'll kill you all!"
"but I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can change I can change.."
"I close my eyes as the curtains draw, I thought I heard your voice but I thought wrong"
"(We care a lot), about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees.. About the NASA shuttle falling in the sea.. (we care a lot) about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought.."
"one last time before it's over, one last time before the end" "I've come to the conclusion yes I know, the between black and white there is no room for two"
"you don't even have a future to keep you warm"
"Awake on my airplane awake on my airplane"
"all the boys and girls are falling in a hush in the unkind world"
"I dont want you, to give it all up, and leave your whole life collecting dust"
"Unhappy people.. like to hurt things, I am told.."
"People like you, you live in a dream world, you despise the outside and fear the next one"
"here in my fingers, I hold the reasons for your fears"
"Turn her over, A candle is lit I see through her, blow it out and save all her ashes for me"
"look to the phone, it doesn't ring, I see your face in everything.. in everything.."
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface"
"I... don't even know what day it is.."
"Elegantly wasted and I can taste it here I sit, trying not to fake this gift of beauty myth, I can't help but feel like this"
"hope is feeling lost... I'm staring at your mouth again.."
"Broken home, all alone"
"it's just like waking up with my eyes shut.."
"Because I dont know you anymore, I dont recognize this place, the picture frames have changed and so has your name, we don't talk much anymore, we keep running from the pain, what I wouldn't give to see your face"
"I don't know how I've been, what you said, to what I believe you meant. I don't know anything at all"
"The snow is more lonely then cold if you know what i mean"
"if you want to find me, call me, I'll be far from the cars and guitars and everybody.."
"My end, it justifies my means, all I ever do is delay, my every attempt to evade"
"she's been making plans to go, hit the bright lights, hit the road.."
"It's our time to shine, through the dammed, glorify by what it ours"
"he said take me then, I want to drown, deep in your violent eyes"
"I want to take the bullet, the one aimed strait for your heart, I want to meet the wolves halfway and let them tear me apart" "if you.. if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade"
"I want to write the perfect song, and play it just for you!"
"you know I'm such a fool for you, you've got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?"
"In my hands, a legacy of memories, I can't hear you say my name, I can almost see your smile, feel the warmth of your embrace..but there is nothing but silence now, around the one I loved, Is this, our farewell?"
"and now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.. you're what I couldn't find"
"Can the creatious light, learn to prototize, the sun sealed the day, after painting canvas sky beautifuly, now I watch the people rolling by my window, wondering if they have found what they are looking for, cuz everyone has a sad song inside, that will forever, keep us alive"
"she told me today, I'm in your way, she says your heading somewhere.. you have a long way to go, even more than she knows. .she thinks your half the way there"
"In our sleep, there is more to this nightmare, will she beg for your mercy?"
"the sky is too bright, the ocean too wide.."
"Day after day, our love turns grey...like the skin of the dying man, night after night, we pretend it's alright, but i have grown older, and you have grown cold and nothing is very much fun, anymore"
"Walking down Madison, I swear I never had a gun. No one ever shot no one, wouldn't do it just for fun. Walking down Madison, I swear I never had a gun, was philosophising some, checking out the nuns"
"And I see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all i can do is try"
"she pretends she can't hear me, she pretends that she's nowhere near me, she just goes quiet and pretends she's not in.. But Celestine I know your there.."
"You know they put a man on the moon simply to prove that we got no place to go"
"and here I am, he shouldn't have turned my rock.. he's brushing his teeth, he doesn't look back from this far. I'm calling a cab, and I'm going to follow his car, wherever he goes, I won't be too far behind, driving him out of his mind"
"Sometimes when I need them, if I look hard enough to see them I can find my feet"
"he used to write all the time, how lovely I am, he really made me feel fine. But how they forget, he needed a wakeup call, and he will regret, having been so shallow.."
"What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive"
"nightswimming deserves a quiet night.. a photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago.. turn around backwards so the windsheild shows, every streetlight reveils a picture and a verse.."
"Whenever she is raging, she takes all life away, Haven't you seen? Haven't you seen? The ruins of our world"
"this here is the place I will be staying.. there isn't a number, you can call the payphone, let it ring a long long long long time.. If I don't pick up, hang up, let it ring some more...."
"no hope, no harm, just another false alarm.. So tell me how long, before the last one. And tell me how long, before the right one"
"See all those people on the ground, wasting time, try to hold it all inside, just for tonight"
"The story is old, I know, but it goes on.."
"Without it all, i'm choking on nothing, it's clear in my head i'm screaming for something"
"well you better write this down, you better remember why you left me alone"
"I need forgivness from the people I truly care about, I need support behind my back to help me spit it out, I'm going to win i can't afford to blow this one, I hate myseld I love myself"
"carry this picture for luck, kept in a locket, tucked in your collar, close to your chest, keep it a secret, to tell to the closest friends.."
"I felt the air rise up in me, kneel down and clear the stone of leaf, I wonder out where you can't see, inside my shell I'll wait and bleed"
"a life that never dims, is evidently lonely, we all need a tale tell.. Just another list of conciquences of things that we do"
"I open my eyes I try to see but I'm blinding by the white light, I can't remember how I can't remeber why, i'm lying here tonight"
"everytime I think of you I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue.. it's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find, living a life I can't leave behind"
"I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue...There are no flowers no not this time, there will be no angels racing the line, just these stark words i find, i'd show a smile but i'm too weak, i'd share with you could i only speak, just how much this hurts me"
"translucent skin, I'm looking in, I feel a ghost. I scared away and left the one I need the most. I just want to bury it and leave my tears to sink in the grave. What makes me so mad, is the shouting in my room, is only my heart beating.."
"In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad I'll write you in this letter that states, when the new days begun, forget your son while he's out on his own"
"just because she ran right here, doesn't mean I interfeired, now I'm wondering if we can feel the same.. cause she keeps whispering your name, she keeps on whispering your name like she's just waiting"
"In the marrows good morning the dieing will discard the wish, to live"
"I want you, then no one, tread water then to drown.. I want you, then no one, tread water then.. to drown.."
"Every time it rains, I feel her holding me, and every time it rains, are the angels crying?"
"I'm feeling so calm, I've got a big smile. I have a view of the sun, right over the sea. Now can feel, life is flowing through me"
"Trust in my, self-rigious suicide, I, cry, when angels deserve to die"
"all the boys and all the girls, sweet toothed, each and every one a little scary, I said your name. I wore it like a badge of teenage film stars, half spars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras.. Dreaming of Maria Callas whoever she is... this fame thing, I don't get it"
"Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see? have i lost my mind?"
"I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it. Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves. I can take you far. This star thing, I don't get it.."
"I guess it's ok I puked the day away, I guess it's better then you trapped yourself in your own way, and if you want me back, you're gunna have to ask"
"Will you live to 83? Will you ever welcome me? Will you show me something that nobody else has seen? Smoke it, drink. Here comes the flood, anything to thin the blood. These corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet"
"Look in my eyes, i'm jaded now, whatever that means, sharing these things, ripping my heart out, it's worth me time, whatever that means"
"Phone, eat it, drink. Just another chink. Cuts and dents, they catch the light. Alluminum, the weakest link"
"I think of what it looks like, I think of what it taste like, same, strange, same, strange, strange cuz I feel the same"
"I don't want to disappoint you, I'm not here to anoint you. I would lick your feet, but is that the sickest move? I wear my own crown of saddness and sorrow. And who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange? My loss, and here we go again"
"I, feel so numb, All, I've become, Has, fallen apart, hole, in my heart...severed fragment of my being, pieced together give life meaning, fragile quilts of faded memories, torn apart by life's disease again"
"Look up, what do you see? All of you and all of me. Fluorescent and starry. Some of them, they surprise"
"My freedom is best, whole country's on house arrest, everyone's a suspect, can't feel the flow because you died, face down on a suicide"
"I can't look it in the eyes. Seconal, spanish fly, absinthe, kerosene. Cherry-flavored neck and collar. I can smell the sorrow on your breath. The sweat, the victory and sorrow. The smell of fear, I got it"
"I can remember, I dont understand, is it malice that makes you this way? Carry it with you till someone forgives you, I laugh cuz there's nothing to say"
"The cat in the hat came back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way. Always had a smile and a reason to pretend. But their world has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream. The sidewinder sleeps on his back"
"Am i loud and clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck? Are we getting closer or just getting more lost, I'll show you mine if you show me yours first, lets compare scars i'll tell you who's worse"
"And all this talk of time, talk is fine. But I don't want to stay around. Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes and sleep sweet dreams. Me and you with wings on our feet"
"Sometimes I feel like i dont have a partener, sometimes i feel like my only, is the city i live in, the city of angels? lonely as i am, together we fly"
"I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears. Sweetest dreams of you. I look into the stars, I look into the moon."
"I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, I had to fought to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter"
"I count your eyelashes secretly, with every one whisper I love you. I let you sleep, I know your closed eye's watching me. Listening. I thought I saw a smile"
"I put my trust, in you, pushed as far i can go, for all this, there's only one thing you should know, I put my trust in you, pushed as far as i can go, for all this, there's only one things you should know, i tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter, i had to fought to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter"
"I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages, just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, to awkward rhymes. You always say your name like I wouldn't know it's you. At your most beautiful"
"When passion's lost, and alll the trust is gone, for way too far for way too long, children crying, cast out and neglected, only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold, hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, as you watch them drift away"
"charades, pop skill. Water hyacinth, named by a poet. Imitation of life. Like a koi in a frozen pond, like a goldfish in a bowl. I don't want to hear you cry"
"I can tolerate your sadness, cause it means you are drowning, I won't allow any happiness, cuz every time you laugh I feel so guilty..guilty...I feel so guilty!"
"You want the greatest thing, the greatest thing since bread came sliced. You've got it all you've got it sussed. Like a Friday fashion show, teenager freezing in the corner. Trying to look like you don't try"
"I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket, I lean against the wind, and pretend that I am weightless...and in this moment I am happy"
"Hell, how are you? I know you, I knew you. I think I can remember your name... name.. Hello, I'm sorry, I lost myself. I think I thought you were someone else. Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk about the government?"
"A decade ago, I never thought I would a 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion wow is me, but that it goes with the territory"
"I've watched the children come and go. A late long march into spring. I sit and watch those children jump in the tall grass. Leap in the sprinkler, walk in the ground. Bicycle clothespin spokes. The sound the smell of swingset hands. I will try to sing a happy song. I'll try and make a happy game to play"
"What's in me, is in you, what's got me, had got you, and everything told, must come true, pretending to be real, forgetting who you are"
---
"I can be your school's Canadian exchange student, explore different and abnormal countries"
"yes. Speak with an accent."
"be all.. 'Wow eh! A school eh! I have one of those eh!' "
*laughs*
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