"She said something like I wanna go, down where the river's wild. He said take me then I want to drown, in your violent eyes. I (feel the water rise again, call the river by your name) I want to float in through your door, hand it on the wall, hang it all, but I wanna be sure, that I'm getting into something peaceful. I want to fly in on your wing, way way up here I don't care for anything, it's all in, and I'm not afraid, I don't fear. Falling. She said listen I've been telling you, I'm into something cruel. He said give me what got into you, I don't care what you do." -Falling
"So go away, make it easy on yourself. Tell them I'm off my head, I keep you from yourself. And I, can't help but smile just a little, remembering how you chose to forget. And I know, you know that I still feel the world revolving miles beneath my feet, you and I were hapless space cadets, mirrored when we meet. When I wan coming down you let me fall alone. You've learnt nothing much at all. You move amongst us like some alien higher being, seeing no pain for yours." -And I Know
"She cries and you are alive, she's saying she's sorry, and oh, so am I.. So I am I.. For ninety seven days, that should have been an hour." -So Am I
"When he movies I watch him from behind, he turns and laughter flickers in his eyes. Intent and direction when he speaks, I watch his lips. And when he drives I love to watch his hand, white and smooth, almost feminine, almost American, I have to watch him. In his face age descends upon youth, exaggeration on the truth. He caught me looking then, but soon his eyes forgot. And everything he seems to do reflects, just another shade of blue. I saw him searching into you and ached a while, I watched his lips caress the glass, his fingers stroke its stem and pass, to lift a cigarette at last, he dries his eyes. From a shadow by the stair, I watch as he weeps unaware, that I'm in awe of his despair, but I am there. " -Ode to a Boy
"I can't begin to tell you how it fells, it's a clear blue sky. Out here my heart, so full, it's fit to burst. Just counting the hours. Home, such a long way gone, how to share a day, here's my only way. Send myself to you, wishing you were here. I can't begin to tell you where've I've been, it's a world behind." -Wishing You Were Here
--------------
Wrote on my wrist, today it was raining.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Hah. What a baka.
Okay, if I could say one thing to him....
"Why are you fucking jealous and why are you fucking swearing like a fucking idiot???? And how did I fuck YOU up, of all people? You fucked with my head! All every wanted was to please you, make you happy. Wasn't good enough, huh? I waited for you for 70 godforsaken days and did you care? My birthday came and went, and valentine's day too. Not a word from your lips. Now that I'm gone, wow.. You wouldn't like me until I was gone, would you? You'd never miss me until you couldn't have me, and it's not like you loved me in the first place. And every angel that falls on your doorstep is perfect for you to break. I'm gonna watch from afar, as you break yet another innocent heart. And you wonder why they disappear.. You push them away." And is he even referring to me, there? I still want an excuse to swear at him.
Hohoho.. Sorry, way too fun. I'm not pissed, I'm just poking fun at him. He's swearing soo much more than he used to, I noticed. Maybe he learned not to bottle it up, like he did when he knew me. But it's still humorous how he has to say fuck every two sentences!
Waaait.. I am pissed. Well, in a way.. Hard to explain. I sound pissed but I don't feel pissed. I've accepted that I hate him, so I don't even feel anything for it anymore. It's like 'whatever. Screw you' and that's all. What the hell is he thinking, though..?
Enough of that.
Timmy's dead, and Zandry's eyes are burning. (sorry.)
------
Ouy hcooms ot tnaw I, ZANDRY, yeh!!!! Hahahah.. <3
Love. ^____^ Or lust? Either way, just as good. I wish he was here, it'd be so much fun..
I don't really like the fact that three people are slightly known to read this, now. Or four. Because when I swear I know someone would hear me (and Timmy is drowning). And when I act all weird and slightly embarrassing, I'll be seen. Oh well. Just don't bother me too much about it all. I prefer to rant and cuss and talk all gushy, as much as I want. It's my sanctuary.
I don't like school. I hate it so much. But Alex tells me not to worry, because even if I did bad, I'd likely still get an alright grade. Damn, I hope he's right.. I'm kinda scared, now.. The end of the year, it's so hard for me. Summer beckons, and I just want to give up, now. Do I still have those A's..? Are my teachers stupid? Maybe. Math.. Oh crap math, haha. I'm screwed, okay? So many late assignments, so many things missing, so many tired nights where I just can't do it.. Can't think. Parabolas.. Blah. How was it that you find the what's it called? Midpoint? And the.. Hell, I dunno. I wish I could understand it, though.. I'm worried and tired........ So much..
...Very worried. *closes eyes* I'm an idiot.
"Why are you fucking jealous and why are you fucking swearing like a fucking idiot???? And how did I fuck YOU up, of all people? You fucked with my head! All every wanted was to please you, make you happy. Wasn't good enough, huh? I waited for you for 70 godforsaken days and did you care? My birthday came and went, and valentine's day too. Not a word from your lips. Now that I'm gone, wow.. You wouldn't like me until I was gone, would you? You'd never miss me until you couldn't have me, and it's not like you loved me in the first place. And every angel that falls on your doorstep is perfect for you to break. I'm gonna watch from afar, as you break yet another innocent heart. And you wonder why they disappear.. You push them away." And is he even referring to me, there? I still want an excuse to swear at him.
Hohoho.. Sorry, way too fun. I'm not pissed, I'm just poking fun at him. He's swearing soo much more than he used to, I noticed. Maybe he learned not to bottle it up, like he did when he knew me. But it's still humorous how he has to say fuck every two sentences!
Waaait.. I am pissed. Well, in a way.. Hard to explain. I sound pissed but I don't feel pissed. I've accepted that I hate him, so I don't even feel anything for it anymore. It's like 'whatever. Screw you' and that's all. What the hell is he thinking, though..?
Enough of that.
Timmy's dead, and Zandry's eyes are burning. (sorry.)
------
Ouy hcooms ot tnaw I, ZANDRY, yeh!!!! Hahahah.. <3
Love. ^____^ Or lust? Either way, just as good. I wish he was here, it'd be so much fun..
I don't really like the fact that three people are slightly known to read this, now. Or four. Because when I swear I know someone would hear me (and Timmy is drowning). And when I act all weird and slightly embarrassing, I'll be seen. Oh well. Just don't bother me too much about it all. I prefer to rant and cuss and talk all gushy, as much as I want. It's my sanctuary.
I don't like school. I hate it so much. But Alex tells me not to worry, because even if I did bad, I'd likely still get an alright grade. Damn, I hope he's right.. I'm kinda scared, now.. The end of the year, it's so hard for me. Summer beckons, and I just want to give up, now. Do I still have those A's..? Are my teachers stupid? Maybe. Math.. Oh crap math, haha. I'm screwed, okay? So many late assignments, so many things missing, so many tired nights where I just can't do it.. Can't think. Parabolas.. Blah. How was it that you find the what's it called? Midpoint? And the.. Hell, I dunno. I wish I could understand it, though.. I'm worried and tired........ So much..
...Very worried. *closes eyes* I'm an idiot.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Childish Plans
"My ideal date is: outside, in a box, with an umbrealla when it's raining"
I can't help but grin big. How many guys would agree to such a silly idea? Silly but cute. I claimed that we'd have to do that, when he visits.
"Box, rain, umbrella, what's missing?"
"us!"
"hahaah, are you coooool enough to drink through a swirly straw?"
"swirly straws rule!"
"Yes! *highfive*"
"-poke-"
We'd be drinking through swirly staws. He'd be drinking coke, I'd be drinking chocolate milk. If it was raining, we'd have un umbrella. We would be sleeping in my backyard, in a box. Watching the stars.
"If we actually do that, we totally have to take a picture!"
"yes! Lots!"
"yes!"
I can't believe this. A box.. in a box. He actually agreed. Hahahhahah-- My god.. He's perfect. <3
"<3"
"you're so insane. But it's awesome"
"hahah. I'm glad"
"hah, yes"
"*hugs*"
"-poke-"
"*cry* you never hug me back!"
"I do too!"
"nuh uh! you poke me!"
"yah-huh"
"nuh uh!"
"same thing!"
"no! Poking is with a finger, hug is with arms! big difference!"
"no difference!"
"difference! *sulks*"
"indifferent!"
"lol. But uuuuuu doooon't...."
"fine, -hugs back-"
"yaaaaay! <3 *glomp"
I love this. The perfect conversation.. hahah. Makes me super happy. He's so cool. The cool of cool. The awesome of awesomeific. So when he visits me from Canada, he's going to sleep in a box outside with me! Yay!
"I can't believe you mean it.."
"why wouldn't I?"
"you'd sleep in a box.. with me? *gasp* Because it's weird and un-manly? (*cracks up*)"
".....'un-manly'? haha! lol, and I live for weird!"
"good!"
Okay. It's official. When he comes here, first of all, I'm gonna glomp him. Second, I'll prove him not to be ugly. Third, I'll see if he can prove me pretty, as he says he will. Fourth, I'll drag him home with me. Fifth, I'll show him all around. Sixth, we'll hang in my room. Seventh, we'll talk and laugh and go out to do something. Eighth, eat dinner. Ninth, do something else, who knows, anything. Tenth, sleep outside in a box. Yay! My life is complete!
I can't help but grin big. How many guys would agree to such a silly idea? Silly but cute. I claimed that we'd have to do that, when he visits.
"Box, rain, umbrella, what's missing?"
"us!"
"hahaah, are you coooool enough to drink through a swirly straw?"
"swirly straws rule!"
"Yes! *highfive*"
"-poke-"
We'd be drinking through swirly staws. He'd be drinking coke, I'd be drinking chocolate milk. If it was raining, we'd have un umbrella. We would be sleeping in my backyard, in a box. Watching the stars.
"If we actually do that, we totally have to take a picture!"
"yes! Lots!"
"yes!"
I can't believe this. A box.. in a box. He actually agreed. Hahahhahah-- My god.. He's perfect. <3
"<3"
"you're so insane. But it's awesome"
"hahah. I'm glad"
"hah, yes"
"*hugs*"
"-poke-"
"*cry* you never hug me back!"
"I do too!"
"nuh uh! you poke me!"
"yah-huh"
"nuh uh!"
"same thing!"
"no! Poking is with a finger, hug is with arms! big difference!"
"no difference!"
"difference! *sulks*"
"indifferent!"
"lol. But uuuuuu doooon't...."
"fine, -hugs back-"
"yaaaaay! <3 *glomp"
I love this. The perfect conversation.. hahah. Makes me super happy. He's so cool. The cool of cool. The awesome of awesomeific. So when he visits me from Canada, he's going to sleep in a box outside with me! Yay!
"I can't believe you mean it.."
"why wouldn't I?"
"you'd sleep in a box.. with me? *gasp* Because it's weird and un-manly? (*cracks up*)"
".....'un-manly'? haha! lol, and I live for weird!"
"good!"
Okay. It's official. When he comes here, first of all, I'm gonna glomp him. Second, I'll prove him not to be ugly. Third, I'll see if he can prove me pretty, as he says he will. Fourth, I'll drag him home with me. Fifth, I'll show him all around. Sixth, we'll hang in my room. Seventh, we'll talk and laugh and go out to do something. Eighth, eat dinner. Ninth, do something else, who knows, anything. Tenth, sleep outside in a box. Yay! My life is complete!
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Poetry and Reminder
"H-A-T-E, is that how you spell love, in your dictionary? K-I-C-K, pronounced as 'kind'.. F-U-C-K, is that how you spell 'friend', in your dictionary? Black on black, a guidebook for the blind... Well now that I can see, my eyes weren't weak. Now that I can hear, your song sounds cheap." -Dictionary, XTC
His journals remind me of my hate. Just pisses me off. But it's not about me, is it? But obviously he talked about my doll.. and what an asshole. At least he believes himself to be one. I almost pity him, but I'm too tired of that. Too much crap. I'm not going to feel anything anymore. I'm sick and tired of ... feeling. Going numb would be better, yet have I, already?
Tell me a story
how do you see me?
how can I be
what you say I to be
say I am
pretty,
smart
not
one who’s damned
to be and never be
never see
reality
and to forever,
never,
see
who i am
tell me.
“I see myself
as other people see me”
and what you say,
is what I’ll be
or am I?
or can I?
it’s hard to understand
my mind is hard
impossible to command
daydreams fool things
love and flicker
light and dark
forever bicker
cancel out
darkness thicker
tell me, tell me
what do you see?
what is me?
I am blind
to what beauty
I am blind
to what could be
lies, surprise
or truth, fool-proof?
but I can’t believe you
I can’t believe
I’ll ever be
what you say you see
maybe you think
maybe you’re blind
maybe you say
mind off the ground
hearing song and horrible sound
how can I be?
I don’t care what you look like
I dont’ care how many scars
I don’t care how ugly
you think that you are
I don’t mind
I don’t see
I am blind
soul sets me free
kind words
for kind heart
beautiful voice
and the soul is the start
of why I like you
it’s true, it’s true
there’s far too much to love
to care about a worn face
or a song voice
maybe not all in grace
but still
you’re what I’ve wanted
wrote about and forever will
what I’ve looked for
something worth heart’s fill
(and hell no, it's not about Michael.)
---
The reply.
"You are, you simple are
What more is there to say?
Not just looks, they don't matter
Just who you are, so close but so far
Good for a laugh, everyday
Could even go, for a sixteen hour chatter
Without getting bored
Creative with everything you do
From the cloths you wear to art and pictures that star you
Great voice, to both talk and sing
Kinda funny, what joy it can bring
How you can stand me, I'll never know
But pray this feeling, will never go
Funny how the future, always has something stored"
*whistles and runs off*
His journals remind me of my hate. Just pisses me off. But it's not about me, is it? But obviously he talked about my doll.. and what an asshole. At least he believes himself to be one. I almost pity him, but I'm too tired of that. Too much crap. I'm not going to feel anything anymore. I'm sick and tired of ... feeling. Going numb would be better, yet have I, already?
Tell me a story
how do you see me?
how can I be
what you say I to be
say I am
pretty,
smart
not
one who’s damned
to be and never be
never see
reality
and to forever,
never,
see
who i am
tell me.
“I see myself
as other people see me”
and what you say,
is what I’ll be
or am I?
or can I?
it’s hard to understand
my mind is hard
impossible to command
daydreams fool things
love and flicker
light and dark
forever bicker
cancel out
darkness thicker
tell me, tell me
what do you see?
what is me?
I am blind
to what beauty
I am blind
to what could be
lies, surprise
or truth, fool-proof?
but I can’t believe you
I can’t believe
I’ll ever be
what you say you see
maybe you think
maybe you’re blind
maybe you say
mind off the ground
hearing song and horrible sound
how can I be?
I don’t care what you look like
I dont’ care how many scars
I don’t care how ugly
you think that you are
I don’t mind
I don’t see
I am blind
soul sets me free
kind words
for kind heart
beautiful voice
and the soul is the start
of why I like you
it’s true, it’s true
there’s far too much to love
to care about a worn face
or a song voice
maybe not all in grace
but still
you’re what I’ve wanted
wrote about and forever will
what I’ve looked for
something worth heart’s fill
(and hell no, it's not about Michael.)
---
The reply.
"You are, you simple are
What more is there to say?
Not just looks, they don't matter
Just who you are, so close but so far
Good for a laugh, everyday
Could even go, for a sixteen hour chatter
Without getting bored
Creative with everything you do
From the cloths you wear to art and pictures that star you
Great voice, to both talk and sing
Kinda funny, what joy it can bring
How you can stand me, I'll never know
But pray this feeling, will never go
Funny how the future, always has something stored"
*whistles and runs off*
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
500 questions answered
>>122. What's the most embarrasing CD you own? Eiffel 65?
>>124. What song do you absolutely hate? strong accented country
>>125. Do you sing in the shower? very, very rarely
>>126. What song reminds you of that special someone? used to be everything
~Favorites~
>>152. Color: shades of blue and purple
>>153. Food: Rice with sugar
>>154. Song: heck, I don't know.. Avril En Mai?
>>155. Show: Late Night Show?
>>156. School subject: art and Japanese
>>158. Animal: chameleon? (i sooo want one now...) Pigmy-marmoset.
>>159. Outfit: fun stuff..
>>160. Radio station: I dunno
>>162. Pair of shoes: comfy ones
>>163. Cartoon: eh..
>>166. Potato chip: what are they called?
>>167. Drink: hot chocolate!
>>168. Alcholic drink: never alcohol, it's evil
>>169. Holiday: My birthday and Christmas and others--
>>170. Perfume/cologne: That rose stuff.. I never wear it, though.
>>171. Pizza topping: Cheeeese
>>172. Jello flavor: I don't like it
>>173. Lunch meat: turkey?
>>174. Board game: um..
>>174. Video game: Final Fantasy 7, yaay
>>176. Website: blogspot and deviantart
>>177. Book: Tithe by Holly Black
>>179. Number: 13, 21, 7
>>180. Cereal: Plain Cherios with sugar.. lol
>>182. Dessert: brownies or homemade cookies
>>183. Disney character: Jasmine, I guess
>>184. Clothing store: Shirazi..?
>>185. Pasttime: sleeping and thinking
>>187. Childhood toy: dollies
>>188. Carnival game/ride: the whip=yay
>>189. Candy: Chocoolate
>>190. Magazine: Vogue, but only for scrapping..
>>191. Salad dressing: heck, I dunno
>>192. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep, doze off, and write
>>193. Hot drink: Hot chocolate--<3
>>194. Season: all but hot summer days.. ick.
>>195. Sport to watch: gymnastics? figure skating? lol
>>196. Person to talk to online: Nikhil and 'Zandry'
~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
>>197. What color are your sheets? shades of blue
>>198. What color are your bedroom walls? Purple
>>199. Have posters on your wall? way too many
>>200. If so of what? Naruto, FF7 (Vincent.. damn cool wall scroll <3), random stuff..
>>201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? no
>>202. How many pillows are on your bed? one
>>203. What do you normally sleep in? my clothes from that day, pajamas, or just--
>>204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: light comfortable ones
>>205. What size bed do you have? twin
>>206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? I want a waterbed.. My parents used to have one..
>>207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? nope
>>208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? I used to always
>>209. Describe the last nightmare you had: um.. oh.. I woke up from sleep, and found the door to be unlocked. I was home alone. I was horrified to see a lot of people outside, 20 year old guys, mostly, and they broke into our house and chased me, and I just made it out the back door, and ran towards 65th..
>>210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yesh, bwaha
>>211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? two?
>>212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? I don't think so.. .. upside-down like a bat? No, I'm kidding.
>>213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? my own
>>214. Do you snore? I hope not
>>215. How about drool? rarely
>>216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? yeah
>>217. What color is the carpet in your room? grey-ish
>>218. What's under your bed? magazines, things for scrap books, old assignments..
>>219. Coke/Pepsi: Pepsi
>>220. Doughnuts/bagels: gah.. I dunno
>>221. Day/night: depends..
>>222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west? uh..?
>>223. Heaven/hell: who cares?
>>224. Make love/have sex: ...?
>>225. Coffee/tea: tea
>>226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburgers
>>227. Rap/rock: rock
>>229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: eh..?
>>230. Real World/Road Rules: huh..?
>>231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: no no no
>>232. Silver/gold: silver
>>233. Nike/Adidas: I don't like them
>>234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds, I suppose
>>235. Sweet/sour: Sweet
>>236. Punk/emo: not sure. both maybe
>>237. Hot/cold: luke warm
>>238. Winter/summer: depends
>>239. Spring/fall: both
>>240. Operas/plays: plays
>>241. Read/watch tv: read
>>242. CD's/Tapes: huh.. CD's..
>>243. DVDs/VHS: I dunno
>>244. Old/new: depends
>>245. Shorts/skirts: eh.. I dunno..
>>246. Pink/red: red....?
>>247. Color pictures/black and white photos: Black and white is fun, but color is too..
>>248. Meat/vegetables: gah.. I dunno
>>249. Mexican food/chinese food: chinese food
>>250. Commercials/infomercials: huh..?
>>251. Scary movies/comedies: comedies, I suppose, if they're good
>>252- Kill Bill Vol. 1/ Vol. 2? never seen
>>253. Sandals/tennis shoes: *shrugs*
>>254. Dogs/cats: cats
>>255. Unicorns/fairies: fairies
>>256. Water/land: depends
>>257. Sugar/spice: Sugar
>>258. Black/white: black
>>259. Ribbons/bows: ribbons
>>260. Chicken/beef: chicken
>>261. Colored christmas lights/white christmas lights: Colored
>>262. Cars/trucks: cars
>>263. Austin Powers/James Bond: I dunno..
>>264. Popcorn/pretzel: popcorn
>>265. Hip/hop: blah
>>266. Passionate kiss/peck: anything
>>267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: bleh
>>268. Backrub/foot massage: I dunno
>>269. Picture frames/photo albums: Photo albums
>>270. Pens/pencils: mechanical pencil
~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
>>271. Eminem: blah
>>272. Sports: they're okay.. don't like much
>>273. God: agnositc
>>274. The Osbournes: I dunno
>>275. Reality TV: kinda crappy
>>276. J.Lo: who cares
>>277. Religion: causes a lot of trouble
>>278. Emo music: can be good
>>279. Valentine's Day: is lonely
>>280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: huh?
>>281. Homosexuals: they're fine
>>282. Abortion: a choice
>>283. Interracial relationships: so?
>>284. Murder: sad
>>285. Death: where the story ends
>>286. Obesity: eh, it's too bad
>>287. Pre-marital sex: hm..? depends?
>>288. Terrorism: blah. Mostly exaggerated, but bad
>>289. Pornography: weird
>>290. Fortune tellers: are only good for fun
>>291. Threesomes: o__o
>>292. Prostitution: gross
>>294. Country music: blah
>>295. George W. Bush: is annoying
>>296. Cloning: will they really start doing this?
>>297. Britney's boobs: who cares about her?
>>298. Gas prices in America: I don't drive yet, sooo
~Name Game~
What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...
>>299. Jack: THE PUMPKIN KING. *song* la la--
>>300. Tiffany: bad first impression
>>301. Ben: annoying like all of them
>>302. Mariah: hm..?
>303. Jennifer: I dunno any
>>304. Nicole: dunno any
>>305. Amy: Iris' sister..
>>306. Adam: Jet ski.
>>307. Richard: annoying and messed up
>>308. Justin: sounds a bit stuck up
>>309. Arnold: "I ahm the governa of california"
>>310. Tom: is now president
>>311. Melissa: Daylite's girlfriend
>>312. Charlotte: "Charlotte, Anne.. I do understand.." -Julian Cope
>>313. Harold: hm..
>>314. John: I remember that guy, kinda annoying
>>315. Joel: I don't remember
>>316. Vanessa: dunno
>>317. Michelle: dunno
>>318. Kevin: funny
>>319. Brent: dunno
>>320. Karen: dunno
>>321. Billy: big hair
>>322. Sarah: caked her face with eyeshadow
>>323. Natalie: she's blonde
>>324. Christy: dunno
>>325. Nick: is hella annoying, stalker. Leave us alone, get your own friends.
>>326. Alex: is my brother
>>327. Taylor: is the biggest prep I've ever seen
>>328. Jordan: s are shoes that those guys talk about
>>329. Jaime: dunno
>>330. Adrian: dunno
~Have You Ever....~
>>331. Mooned anyone? nope
>>332. Been on a diet? nope
>>333. Been to a foreign country? Canada?
>>334. Broken a bone? nope
>>335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? nope
>>336. Sworn at a teacher? I don't think so
>>337. Talked to an LJ member via e-mails or instant messages? huh..?
>>338. Gotten in a fight? nope
>>339. Dated a teacher? nope
>>340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? nope
>>341. Thought about killing your enemy? nope
>>342. Been skinnin dipping? nope
>>343. Met another LJ member: huh?
>>345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? at some point
>>346. Used a foreign object to masturbate? o__o what's with these?
>>347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? maybe?
>>348. Been on tv? nope
>>349. Been on the radio? No
>>350. Been in a mosh pit? No
>>351. Been to a concert? yeah
>>353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? yup
>>354. Decieved somebody close to you? in a way
>>358. Been on a game show? nope
>>359. Been on an airplane? yes
>>360. Gotten to ride on a firetruck? nope
>>361. Came close to dying? nope
>>362. Cheated on a bf/gf? noo
>>363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? my little brother
>>364. Terrorized a babysitter? nope
>>365. Made a mud pie? yeah
>>366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff? I don't think so..
>>369. Had an eating disorder? nope
>>370. Felt like you didn't belong? of course..
>>371. Felt like the 3rd wheel? huh?
>>372. Smoked? nope
>>373. Done drugs? noo
>>374. Stolen money from a poor person begging on the street? no way
>>375. Had your tonsils removed? Nope
>>376. Gone to camp? I think
>>377. Won a bet? not sure
>>378. Written a love letter? damn it, shut up. well, I dunno.
>>379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? too often
>>380. Written a love poem? too many
>>381. Kissed in the rain? never kissed
>>382. Slow danced with someone you love? never
>>383. Participated in cyber sex? no.
>>384. Stolen something from a store? I don't think so
>>385. Stolen a kiss? never kissed
>>386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? I think
>>387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? nope
>>388. Watch the sunset/rise with someone special? nope
>>389. Gotten a speeding ticket? nope
>>390. Done jail time? Nope
>>391. Had to wear a uniform to work? no work
>>392. Won a trophy? no
>>393. Thrown up in public? yes
>>394. Bowled a perfect game? nope
>>395. Failed/got held back? nope
>>396. Gotten perfect attendance in grade school? I don't think so
>>397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? nope
>>398. Taken ballet lessons? yup, lol
>>399. Attempted suicide? nope, bad times I wrote about it
>>400. Cut yourself? it's not satisfying, so I don't
~Childhood Stuff~
>>401. Did you play with Barbies? a little
>>402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? did I?
>>403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? huh?
>>407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? I'm sure Sadako will get me
>>408. Did you wear underwear with the days of the week on them? lol, no
>>409. Were you shy? yup
>>410. Were you spoiled? just a little
>>411. Were you abused? what do you call abused?
>>412. Did you go to the circus? a few times
>>413. Did you go to the zoo? yeah
>>414. Were you in a car accident? nope.
>>415. Did you build snowmen? if it snows..
>>416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? I think so
>>417. Were your older cousins mean to you? I don't think so
>>418. Did you think slinkies were cool? I suppose
>>419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? were they real? lol
>>420. Were you afraid of the dark? for a very long time
>>421. Did you have slumber parties? sometimes
>>422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags and pajamas? no
>>424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? did once
~Randomness~
>>425. Do you believe in aliens? not the green ones
>>426. Name 3 things that are next to your computer: pepsi can, camera, my proof of being ugly
>>427. Any hidden talents? I doubt it
>>428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? dont watch it
>>429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? something fun
>>430. What would your movie star name be? dunno..
>>431. Do you play any sports? used to play volleyball..
>>432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Ju-on scared me
>>433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? Constantine was cool
>>435. Do you drive? nope
>>436. What is your dream car? dunno
>>438. Do others think you are good looking? he claims people think so, and I've been arguing for a long time that they don't
>>439. Would you ever sky dive? sure
>>440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? nah, it was a hoax!
>>442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? never been on one
>>443. Do you believe in God? agnostic
>>444. Do you believe in Satan? agnostic
>>445. Do you believe there is a heaven? agnostic
>>446. Do you believe there is a hell? agnostic
>>447. Do you own a pool table? used to
>>448. Do you have a pool? Nope
>>449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? yes
>>450. Do you like chocolate? yes
>>451. Who/what is on your 2005 calendar? don't have one for me
>>453. Ever wished on a shooting star? yeah.. -to find---
>>454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? lol, Haku was neat..
>>455. Do you carry any weapons on you? nope
>>456. What is your weakness? hugs, hot chocolate, and anything sweet, flattery
>>457. Name something you can't get enough of: sleep
>>458. Do you ever want to get married? yeah
>>459. How many kids do you want to have? one, two?
>>462. What is your ideal way to die? falling, painlessly
>>463. How do you vent? through writing, poetry, and talking
>>464. Are you a trendy person? nope
>>465. Are you an artistic person? yeah
>>466. Are you a realistic person? not really
>>467. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no
>>468. Are you a strong person? am I? in what way? No and no
>>469. Are you a strong-willed person? I dunno.. stubborn?
>>470. Who was the last person to e-mail you? random person
>>471 Who was the last person you IM? Zandry
>>472. Do you hate chain e-mails? nah
>>473. Are you a deep sleeper? yes
>>474. Are you a good story teller? I hope..
>>475. What do you believe is your best quality? my annoying ability to never shut up.. but that's bad
>>476. What is your greatest accomplishment? eh.......
>>477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? both
>>479. Do you have your own credit card? nope
>>480. Let's say you win the lotto.? I don't know..
>>481. Do you have a checkbook? nope
>>484. What color is your hair naturally? dark brown
>>485 How many cavities did you have at your last dentist vist?: never have
>>486 Is the glass half full or half empty? not sure
>>487 Worst feeling in the world? regret, loneliness
>>488. Best feeling in the world? feeling loved?
>>489. Last website you were at? here
>>490. Last thing you downloaded? a picture
>>491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? nope
>>492. What do you think people think of you? they think I'm quiet and shy, maybe, or weird
>>493. Are you a likeable person? I hope
>>494. Do you need therapy? I doubt it
>>495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? Nope
>>496. What the best way to propose to someone? how do I know?
>>497. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge what would they call it Fed Up? nope
>>499. What's your favorite phrase? dunno
>>500. What are you thinking right now? is anything worth it?
>>124. What song do you absolutely hate? strong accented country
>>125. Do you sing in the shower? very, very rarely
>>126. What song reminds you of that special someone? used to be everything
~Favorites~
>>152. Color: shades of blue and purple
>>153. Food: Rice with sugar
>>154. Song: heck, I don't know.. Avril En Mai?
>>155. Show: Late Night Show?
>>156. School subject: art and Japanese
>>158. Animal: chameleon? (i sooo want one now...) Pigmy-marmoset.
>>159. Outfit: fun stuff..
>>160. Radio station: I dunno
>>162. Pair of shoes: comfy ones
>>163. Cartoon: eh..
>>166. Potato chip: what are they called?
>>167. Drink: hot chocolate!
>>168. Alcholic drink: never alcohol, it's evil
>>169. Holiday: My birthday and Christmas and others--
>>170. Perfume/cologne: That rose stuff.. I never wear it, though.
>>171. Pizza topping: Cheeeese
>>172. Jello flavor: I don't like it
>>173. Lunch meat: turkey?
>>174. Board game: um..
>>174. Video game: Final Fantasy 7, yaay
>>176. Website: blogspot and deviantart
>>177. Book: Tithe by Holly Black
>>179. Number: 13, 21, 7
>>180. Cereal: Plain Cherios with sugar.. lol
>>182. Dessert: brownies or homemade cookies
>>183. Disney character: Jasmine, I guess
>>184. Clothing store: Shirazi..?
>>185. Pasttime: sleeping and thinking
>>187. Childhood toy: dollies
>>188. Carnival game/ride: the whip=yay
>>189. Candy: Chocoolate
>>190. Magazine: Vogue, but only for scrapping..
>>191. Salad dressing: heck, I dunno
>>192. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep, doze off, and write
>>193. Hot drink: Hot chocolate--<3
>>194. Season: all but hot summer days.. ick.
>>195. Sport to watch: gymnastics? figure skating? lol
>>196. Person to talk to online: Nikhil and 'Zandry'
~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
>>197. What color are your sheets? shades of blue
>>198. What color are your bedroom walls? Purple
>>199. Have posters on your wall? way too many
>>200. If so of what? Naruto, FF7 (Vincent.. damn cool wall scroll <3), random stuff..
>>201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? no
>>202. How many pillows are on your bed? one
>>203. What do you normally sleep in? my clothes from that day, pajamas, or just--
>>204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: light comfortable ones
>>205. What size bed do you have? twin
>>206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? I want a waterbed.. My parents used to have one..
>>207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? nope
>>208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? I used to always
>>209. Describe the last nightmare you had: um.. oh.. I woke up from sleep, and found the door to be unlocked. I was home alone. I was horrified to see a lot of people outside, 20 year old guys, mostly, and they broke into our house and chased me, and I just made it out the back door, and ran towards 65th..
>>210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yesh, bwaha
>>211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? two?
>>212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? I don't think so.. .. upside-down like a bat? No, I'm kidding.
>>213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? my own
>>214. Do you snore? I hope not
>>215. How about drool? rarely
>>216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? yeah
>>217. What color is the carpet in your room? grey-ish
>>218. What's under your bed? magazines, things for scrap books, old assignments..
>>219. Coke/Pepsi: Pepsi
>>220. Doughnuts/bagels: gah.. I dunno
>>221. Day/night: depends..
>>222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west? uh..?
>>223. Heaven/hell: who cares?
>>224. Make love/have sex: ...?
>>225. Coffee/tea: tea
>>226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburgers
>>227. Rap/rock: rock
>>229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: eh..?
>>230. Real World/Road Rules: huh..?
>>231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: no no no
>>232. Silver/gold: silver
>>233. Nike/Adidas: I don't like them
>>234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds, I suppose
>>235. Sweet/sour: Sweet
>>236. Punk/emo: not sure. both maybe
>>237. Hot/cold: luke warm
>>238. Winter/summer: depends
>>239. Spring/fall: both
>>240. Operas/plays: plays
>>241. Read/watch tv: read
>>242. CD's/Tapes: huh.. CD's..
>>243. DVDs/VHS: I dunno
>>244. Old/new: depends
>>245. Shorts/skirts: eh.. I dunno..
>>246. Pink/red: red....?
>>247. Color pictures/black and white photos: Black and white is fun, but color is too..
>>248. Meat/vegetables: gah.. I dunno
>>249. Mexican food/chinese food: chinese food
>>250. Commercials/infomercials: huh..?
>>251. Scary movies/comedies: comedies, I suppose, if they're good
>>252- Kill Bill Vol. 1/ Vol. 2? never seen
>>253. Sandals/tennis shoes: *shrugs*
>>254. Dogs/cats: cats
>>255. Unicorns/fairies: fairies
>>256. Water/land: depends
>>257. Sugar/spice: Sugar
>>258. Black/white: black
>>259. Ribbons/bows: ribbons
>>260. Chicken/beef: chicken
>>261. Colored christmas lights/white christmas lights: Colored
>>262. Cars/trucks: cars
>>263. Austin Powers/James Bond: I dunno..
>>264. Popcorn/pretzel: popcorn
>>265. Hip/hop: blah
>>266. Passionate kiss/peck: anything
>>267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: bleh
>>268. Backrub/foot massage: I dunno
>>269. Picture frames/photo albums: Photo albums
>>270. Pens/pencils: mechanical pencil
~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
>>271. Eminem: blah
>>272. Sports: they're okay.. don't like much
>>273. God: agnositc
>>274. The Osbournes: I dunno
>>275. Reality TV: kinda crappy
>>276. J.Lo: who cares
>>277. Religion: causes a lot of trouble
>>278. Emo music: can be good
>>279. Valentine's Day: is lonely
>>280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: huh?
>>281. Homosexuals: they're fine
>>282. Abortion: a choice
>>283. Interracial relationships: so?
>>284. Murder: sad
>>285. Death: where the story ends
>>286. Obesity: eh, it's too bad
>>287. Pre-marital sex: hm..? depends?
>>288. Terrorism: blah. Mostly exaggerated, but bad
>>289. Pornography: weird
>>290. Fortune tellers: are only good for fun
>>291. Threesomes: o__o
>>292. Prostitution: gross
>>294. Country music: blah
>>295. George W. Bush: is annoying
>>296. Cloning: will they really start doing this?
>>297. Britney's boobs: who cares about her?
>>298. Gas prices in America: I don't drive yet, sooo
~Name Game~
What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...
>>299. Jack: THE PUMPKIN KING. *song* la la--
>>300. Tiffany: bad first impression
>>301. Ben: annoying like all of them
>>302. Mariah: hm..?
>303. Jennifer: I dunno any
>>304. Nicole: dunno any
>>305. Amy: Iris' sister..
>>306. Adam: Jet ski.
>>307. Richard: annoying and messed up
>>308. Justin: sounds a bit stuck up
>>309. Arnold: "I ahm the governa of california"
>>310. Tom: is now president
>>311. Melissa: Daylite's girlfriend
>>312. Charlotte: "Charlotte, Anne.. I do understand.." -Julian Cope
>>313. Harold: hm..
>>314. John: I remember that guy, kinda annoying
>>315. Joel: I don't remember
>>316. Vanessa: dunno
>>317. Michelle: dunno
>>318. Kevin: funny
>>319. Brent: dunno
>>320. Karen: dunno
>>321. Billy: big hair
>>322. Sarah: caked her face with eyeshadow
>>323. Natalie: she's blonde
>>324. Christy: dunno
>>325. Nick: is hella annoying, stalker. Leave us alone, get your own friends.
>>326. Alex: is my brother
>>327. Taylor: is the biggest prep I've ever seen
>>328. Jordan: s are shoes that those guys talk about
>>329. Jaime: dunno
>>330. Adrian: dunno
~Have You Ever....~
>>331. Mooned anyone? nope
>>332. Been on a diet? nope
>>333. Been to a foreign country? Canada?
>>334. Broken a bone? nope
>>335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? nope
>>336. Sworn at a teacher? I don't think so
>>337. Talked to an LJ member via e-mails or instant messages? huh..?
>>338. Gotten in a fight? nope
>>339. Dated a teacher? nope
>>340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? nope
>>341. Thought about killing your enemy? nope
>>342. Been skinnin dipping? nope
>>343. Met another LJ member: huh?
>>345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? at some point
>>346. Used a foreign object to masturbate? o__o what's with these?
>>347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? maybe?
>>348. Been on tv? nope
>>349. Been on the radio? No
>>350. Been in a mosh pit? No
>>351. Been to a concert? yeah
>>353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? yup
>>354. Decieved somebody close to you? in a way
>>358. Been on a game show? nope
>>359. Been on an airplane? yes
>>360. Gotten to ride on a firetruck? nope
>>361. Came close to dying? nope
>>362. Cheated on a bf/gf? noo
>>363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? my little brother
>>364. Terrorized a babysitter? nope
>>365. Made a mud pie? yeah
>>366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff? I don't think so..
>>369. Had an eating disorder? nope
>>370. Felt like you didn't belong? of course..
>>371. Felt like the 3rd wheel? huh?
>>372. Smoked? nope
>>373. Done drugs? noo
>>374. Stolen money from a poor person begging on the street? no way
>>375. Had your tonsils removed? Nope
>>376. Gone to camp? I think
>>377. Won a bet? not sure
>>378. Written a love letter? damn it, shut up. well, I dunno.
>>379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? too often
>>380. Written a love poem? too many
>>381. Kissed in the rain? never kissed
>>382. Slow danced with someone you love? never
>>383. Participated in cyber sex? no.
>>384. Stolen something from a store? I don't think so
>>385. Stolen a kiss? never kissed
>>386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? I think
>>387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? nope
>>388. Watch the sunset/rise with someone special? nope
>>389. Gotten a speeding ticket? nope
>>390. Done jail time? Nope
>>391. Had to wear a uniform to work? no work
>>392. Won a trophy? no
>>393. Thrown up in public? yes
>>394. Bowled a perfect game? nope
>>395. Failed/got held back? nope
>>396. Gotten perfect attendance in grade school? I don't think so
>>397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? nope
>>398. Taken ballet lessons? yup, lol
>>399. Attempted suicide? nope, bad times I wrote about it
>>400. Cut yourself? it's not satisfying, so I don't
~Childhood Stuff~
>>401. Did you play with Barbies? a little
>>402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? did I?
>>403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? huh?
>>407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? I'm sure Sadako will get me
>>408. Did you wear underwear with the days of the week on them? lol, no
>>409. Were you shy? yup
>>410. Were you spoiled? just a little
>>411. Were you abused? what do you call abused?
>>412. Did you go to the circus? a few times
>>413. Did you go to the zoo? yeah
>>414. Were you in a car accident? nope.
>>415. Did you build snowmen? if it snows..
>>416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? I think so
>>417. Were your older cousins mean to you? I don't think so
>>418. Did you think slinkies were cool? I suppose
>>419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? were they real? lol
>>420. Were you afraid of the dark? for a very long time
>>421. Did you have slumber parties? sometimes
>>422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags and pajamas? no
>>424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? did once
~Randomness~
>>425. Do you believe in aliens? not the green ones
>>426. Name 3 things that are next to your computer: pepsi can, camera, my proof of being ugly
>>427. Any hidden talents? I doubt it
>>428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? dont watch it
>>429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? something fun
>>430. What would your movie star name be? dunno..
>>431. Do you play any sports? used to play volleyball..
>>432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Ju-on scared me
>>433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? Constantine was cool
>>435. Do you drive? nope
>>436. What is your dream car? dunno
>>438. Do others think you are good looking? he claims people think so, and I've been arguing for a long time that they don't
>>439. Would you ever sky dive? sure
>>440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? nah, it was a hoax!
>>442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? never been on one
>>443. Do you believe in God? agnostic
>>444. Do you believe in Satan? agnostic
>>445. Do you believe there is a heaven? agnostic
>>446. Do you believe there is a hell? agnostic
>>447. Do you own a pool table? used to
>>448. Do you have a pool? Nope
>>449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? yes
>>450. Do you like chocolate? yes
>>451. Who/what is on your 2005 calendar? don't have one for me
>>453. Ever wished on a shooting star? yeah.. -to find---
>>454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? lol, Haku was neat..
>>455. Do you carry any weapons on you? nope
>>456. What is your weakness? hugs, hot chocolate, and anything sweet, flattery
>>457. Name something you can't get enough of: sleep
>>458. Do you ever want to get married? yeah
>>459. How many kids do you want to have? one, two?
>>462. What is your ideal way to die? falling, painlessly
>>463. How do you vent? through writing, poetry, and talking
>>464. Are you a trendy person? nope
>>465. Are you an artistic person? yeah
>>466. Are you a realistic person? not really
>>467. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no
>>468. Are you a strong person? am I? in what way? No and no
>>469. Are you a strong-willed person? I dunno.. stubborn?
>>470. Who was the last person to e-mail you? random person
>>471 Who was the last person you IM? Zandry
>>472. Do you hate chain e-mails? nah
>>473. Are you a deep sleeper? yes
>>474. Are you a good story teller? I hope..
>>475. What do you believe is your best quality? my annoying ability to never shut up.. but that's bad
>>476. What is your greatest accomplishment? eh.......
>>477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? both
>>479. Do you have your own credit card? nope
>>480. Let's say you win the lotto.? I don't know..
>>481. Do you have a checkbook? nope
>>484. What color is your hair naturally? dark brown
>>485 How many cavities did you have at your last dentist vist?: never have
>>486 Is the glass half full or half empty? not sure
>>487 Worst feeling in the world? regret, loneliness
>>488. Best feeling in the world? feeling loved?
>>489. Last website you were at? here
>>490. Last thing you downloaded? a picture
>>491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? nope
>>492. What do you think people think of you? they think I'm quiet and shy, maybe, or weird
>>493. Are you a likeable person? I hope
>>494. Do you need therapy? I doubt it
>>495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? Nope
>>496. What the best way to propose to someone? how do I know?
>>497. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge what would they call it Fed Up? nope
>>499. What's your favorite phrase? dunno
>>500. What are you thinking right now? is anything worth it?
Monday, May 23, 2005
121/500 Questions Answered
why the hell do people ring the doorbell? -Me, five seconds ago
From theirs. I don't think they look here, yet.
001. What is your name? Tanya Hemingway Glidewell
002. Spell your name backwards: Llewedilg Yawgnimeh Aynat
003. Date of birth: February 21, 1990
004. Male or female? Girl
005. Astrological sign: Pisces
006. Nickname: none.. or..... *laughs* Squirrely Cat. Girly. Family names.
007. My profession: someday an author? poet? artist?
010. Hair color: dark brown
011. Eye color: dark brown, much like my hair
012. Where were you born? in Seattle, a hospital, somewhere
013. Where do you reside now: same place
014. Age: 15 +3 months and two days
015. Screen names: thedearlonelyone, goldengirl12@comcast.netm goldengirl0221 (hardly ever)
016. Are you online often? very
017. What does your screen name stand for? thedearlonelyone.. I wanted a new screename so I could hide from my friends, because talking stresses me out. So it's usually for pen pals. And I thought of the first thing I could think of.. thelonelyone was taken, so I added 'dear'. Golden Girl was a code name for me in elementary school between my best friend and I.. 0221 is my birthday.. 12 is my age when I had that email address.
018. What is your diary name? my name is Tanya. My diaries don't have names.. I say "dear journal" and "dear diary" to specific ones. I call them by color. Yellow book. Red book. Yellow is 'dear journal', red is 'dear diary'. I have at least three more of them.
019. What does your diary name stand for? nothing
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? "LOL" written in candles.. how many did it take?
022. Piercings? Ears. No more.
023. Tattoo's? Mom will let me dye my hair, wear weird clothes, but nothing permanent. I don't want one, anyway.
024. Shoe size? 8 and a half
025. Righty or lefty? Righty
026. Wearing: cargo.. is that the name? haha. 'Cargo' baggy dirt-green pants, a moss green sleeveless shirt with a name of a dance place I haven't been to yet. It's my mom's. Short cut white socks. Wide sneakers, a watch. Pink nail polish from the glowing dance.
027. Hearing: Walk Away by Bree Sharp.. "I'm left to counting the days.. while my life drifts away, because you come and go again like the tide, why won't the shoreline last and wash in my pride. And the truth I keep pushing aside, is that it's time to walk away."
028. Feeling: wanting to talk.....
029. Eating/drinking: a lone Pepsi can sits there in front of me, from hours ago
~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....
030. Craziest? Mayre
031. Loudest? dunno
032. Nicest? Amanda
033. Bitchiest? dunno
034. Life of the party? Annamarie
035. Jock? dunno
036. Prep? dunno
037. Rebel? Elizabeth maybe
038. Cutest? Iris maybe
039. Best friend of the same sex? Amanda, likely
040. Best friend of the opposite sex?: none.. kinda.. er.. I'm not sure, really.. Nikhil? Just because I talked to him longest.
041. Most popular? Hey, Fern, are you popular?
042. Rudest? dunno
043. Most shy? Amanda acts shy
044. Dumbest? dunno
045. Smartest? dunno
046. Weirdest? dunno
047. Has the best hair? dunno
048. Best personality? nearly all of them
049. Most talented?: dunno
052. Drama queen? dunno
054. Funniest? Mayre
055. Best advice giver? dunno
057. Most likely to join a cult? Annamarie kinda did.. Rocky Horror Picture Show?
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? so damned muuuch.. it's sad.. I'm so bad..
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? Amanda
060. How many people on your buddylist? three on yahoo, two on MSN, six(?) on aim..
~Love/Other Stuff~ (I'm excluding family, okay?)
061. Have you ever been in love? yeah.. poof
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? I think I love you
063. How many people have you been in love with? one
064. How many people have said I love you to you? none
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? *laughs* no
066. How many people have you dated? none *cry*
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes, if I don't glance away.. and the hair they may hide behind
069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for? if I could tell, someone who looks to be alone, kind, and creative
070. Do you have a bf/gf? haven't ever
073. Do you have a crush right now? almost, but is it even called that..
074. If so who is it? someone who I may fall for completely (I told them) eventually, which scares me and makes me think I'm an idiot
075. Do you believe in love at first sight? you can't fall like that
076. Do you remember your first love? it's not like it was long ago
077. Who is the first person you really liked? the one who appears in my poems for 70 days, and the one who I called Chocolate-Eyes, with a laugh
078. Do you believe in fate? not exactly, but I believe in happenstance.. little things that lead up to make something strange and too perfect happen
079. Do you believe in soul mates? if a figure of speech, maybe, but what would that mean..
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? I wish
~Family Stuff~
>>104. How many siblings do you have? two brothers
>>105. What are your parents names? Laurie and Jim
>>106. What are your siblings names? Alex, Carson
>>107. How many siblings does your mother have? two
>>108. How many siblings does your father have? two..?
>>109. Where are your parents from? Illinois
>>110. Is your family close? quite
>>111. Does your family get together for holidays? usually
>>112. Do you have a drunk uncle? nope
>>113. Any medical problems run through your family? maybe diabetes..?
>>114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? I hope not
>>115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? um.. I don't remember.. what does that mean again.. errr..
>>116. Are your parents divorced? thank god, no
>>117. Do you have stepparents? nope
>>118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? no, they're not that mean
>>119. If so for what? nope
>>120. Did some of your family come to the United States from another country? Denmark, maybe.. Hungary..
~Music Stuff~
>>121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? I need to look through my thousand songs.. damn, there are some..
"Sorrow.. for letting someone else.. define you, know yourself at every age. What impression am I making? I see myself as other people see me. There is no going back, I can't stop feeling now.. I am not the same I'm growing up again.. I am not the same. I'm growing up again. There's no going back I can't stop feeling now. I had to fantasize. I was a princess, mum and dad were queen and king. I ought to have what feeling? I see me as other people see me.-- Even those who did, never understood me. I had to fantasize just to survive" -Evangeline, Cocteau Twins
My crushed love- "If you, if you could return.. don't let it burn, don't let it fade.. I'm sure not being rude, but it's just your attitude, it's tearing me apart, it's ruining everything. And I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey so did you.-- Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I'm in so deep... You know I'm such a fool for you.. You've got me wrapped around your finger.. Do you have to let linger, do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger? Oh I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong, I was wrong. If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie. Things wouldn't be so confused, and I wouldn't feel so used, but you always really knew, I just wanna be with you. And I'm in so deep.. " -Linger. The Cranberries tell the whole shitty love story, that was just a chapter. There are far too many.
Cranberries-
"I don't want to love you, I still do" -I Still Do
"now I open up and see, the person falling here is me"- Dreams
"Say what you want to, but you won't change me" -Pretty
"but your so selfish that you don't see you're rude to me-- you told me lies, and I sigh and I sigh and I sigh--" -Not Sorry
"Too many misunderstandings causing such delay" -Wanted
"And you still can't find the strength to apologize"- Still Can't...
"And now it's all the same to me, be whatever you want to be, go wherever you need to go. And now it all seems like a mistake" -I Will Always
"Look.. you're standing alone. (standing alone) However I should have known (I should have know)" -How
"And you always prove me wrong" -Put Me Down
"Crying in my head again, and I know that it's not clear." -I Can't
and it goes on. More questions answered next entry.
From theirs. I don't think they look here, yet.
001. What is your name? Tanya Hemingway Glidewell
002. Spell your name backwards: Llewedilg Yawgnimeh Aynat
003. Date of birth: February 21, 1990
004. Male or female? Girl
005. Astrological sign: Pisces
006. Nickname: none.. or..... *laughs* Squirrely Cat. Girly. Family names.
007. My profession: someday an author? poet? artist?
010. Hair color: dark brown
011. Eye color: dark brown, much like my hair
012. Where were you born? in Seattle, a hospital, somewhere
013. Where do you reside now: same place
014. Age: 15 +3 months and two days
015. Screen names: thedearlonelyone, goldengirl12@comcast.netm goldengirl0221 (hardly ever)
016. Are you online often? very
017. What does your screen name stand for? thedearlonelyone.. I wanted a new screename so I could hide from my friends, because talking stresses me out. So it's usually for pen pals. And I thought of the first thing I could think of.. thelonelyone was taken, so I added 'dear'. Golden Girl was a code name for me in elementary school between my best friend and I.. 0221 is my birthday.. 12 is my age when I had that email address.
018. What is your diary name? my name is Tanya. My diaries don't have names.. I say "dear journal" and "dear diary" to specific ones. I call them by color. Yellow book. Red book. Yellow is 'dear journal', red is 'dear diary'. I have at least three more of them.
019. What does your diary name stand for? nothing
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? "LOL" written in candles.. how many did it take?
022. Piercings? Ears. No more.
023. Tattoo's? Mom will let me dye my hair, wear weird clothes, but nothing permanent. I don't want one, anyway.
024. Shoe size? 8 and a half
025. Righty or lefty? Righty
026. Wearing: cargo.. is that the name? haha. 'Cargo' baggy dirt-green pants, a moss green sleeveless shirt with a name of a dance place I haven't been to yet. It's my mom's. Short cut white socks. Wide sneakers, a watch. Pink nail polish from the glowing dance.
027. Hearing: Walk Away by Bree Sharp.. "I'm left to counting the days.. while my life drifts away, because you come and go again like the tide, why won't the shoreline last and wash in my pride. And the truth I keep pushing aside, is that it's time to walk away."
028. Feeling: wanting to talk.....
029. Eating/drinking: a lone Pepsi can sits there in front of me, from hours ago
~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....
030. Craziest? Mayre
031. Loudest? dunno
032. Nicest? Amanda
033. Bitchiest? dunno
034. Life of the party? Annamarie
035. Jock? dunno
036. Prep? dunno
037. Rebel? Elizabeth maybe
038. Cutest? Iris maybe
039. Best friend of the same sex? Amanda, likely
040. Best friend of the opposite sex?: none.. kinda.. er.. I'm not sure, really.. Nikhil? Just because I talked to him longest.
041. Most popular? Hey, Fern, are you popular?
042. Rudest? dunno
043. Most shy? Amanda acts shy
044. Dumbest? dunno
045. Smartest? dunno
046. Weirdest? dunno
047. Has the best hair? dunno
048. Best personality? nearly all of them
049. Most talented?: dunno
052. Drama queen? dunno
054. Funniest? Mayre
055. Best advice giver? dunno
057. Most likely to join a cult? Annamarie kinda did.. Rocky Horror Picture Show?
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? so damned muuuch.. it's sad.. I'm so bad..
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? Amanda
060. How many people on your buddylist? three on yahoo, two on MSN, six(?) on aim..
~Love/Other Stuff~ (I'm excluding family, okay?)
061. Have you ever been in love? yeah.. poof
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? I think I love you
063. How many people have you been in love with? one
064. How many people have said I love you to you? none
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? *laughs* no
066. How many people have you dated? none *cry*
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes, if I don't glance away.. and the hair they may hide behind
069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for? if I could tell, someone who looks to be alone, kind, and creative
070. Do you have a bf/gf? haven't ever
073. Do you have a crush right now? almost, but is it even called that..
074. If so who is it? someone who I may fall for completely (I told them) eventually, which scares me and makes me think I'm an idiot
075. Do you believe in love at first sight? you can't fall like that
076. Do you remember your first love? it's not like it was long ago
077. Who is the first person you really liked? the one who appears in my poems for 70 days, and the one who I called Chocolate-Eyes, with a laugh
078. Do you believe in fate? not exactly, but I believe in happenstance.. little things that lead up to make something strange and too perfect happen
079. Do you believe in soul mates? if a figure of speech, maybe, but what would that mean..
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? I wish
~Family Stuff~
>>104. How many siblings do you have? two brothers
>>105. What are your parents names? Laurie and Jim
>>106. What are your siblings names? Alex, Carson
>>107. How many siblings does your mother have? two
>>108. How many siblings does your father have? two..?
>>109. Where are your parents from? Illinois
>>110. Is your family close? quite
>>111. Does your family get together for holidays? usually
>>112. Do you have a drunk uncle? nope
>>113. Any medical problems run through your family? maybe diabetes..?
>>114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? I hope not
>>115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? um.. I don't remember.. what does that mean again.. errr..
>>116. Are your parents divorced? thank god, no
>>117. Do you have stepparents? nope
>>118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? no, they're not that mean
>>119. If so for what? nope
>>120. Did some of your family come to the United States from another country? Denmark, maybe.. Hungary..
~Music Stuff~
>>121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? I need to look through my thousand songs.. damn, there are some..
"Sorrow.. for letting someone else.. define you, know yourself at every age. What impression am I making? I see myself as other people see me. There is no going back, I can't stop feeling now.. I am not the same I'm growing up again.. I am not the same. I'm growing up again. There's no going back I can't stop feeling now. I had to fantasize. I was a princess, mum and dad were queen and king. I ought to have what feeling? I see me as other people see me.-- Even those who did, never understood me. I had to fantasize just to survive" -Evangeline, Cocteau Twins
My crushed love- "If you, if you could return.. don't let it burn, don't let it fade.. I'm sure not being rude, but it's just your attitude, it's tearing me apart, it's ruining everything. And I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey so did you.-- Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I'm in so deep... You know I'm such a fool for you.. You've got me wrapped around your finger.. Do you have to let linger, do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger? Oh I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong, I was wrong. If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie. Things wouldn't be so confused, and I wouldn't feel so used, but you always really knew, I just wanna be with you. And I'm in so deep.. " -Linger. The Cranberries tell the whole shitty love story, that was just a chapter. There are far too many.
Cranberries-
"I don't want to love you, I still do" -I Still Do
"now I open up and see, the person falling here is me"- Dreams
"Say what you want to, but you won't change me" -Pretty
"but your so selfish that you don't see you're rude to me-- you told me lies, and I sigh and I sigh and I sigh--" -Not Sorry
"Too many misunderstandings causing such delay" -Wanted
"And you still can't find the strength to apologize"- Still Can't...
"And now it's all the same to me, be whatever you want to be, go wherever you need to go. And now it all seems like a mistake" -I Will Always
"Look.. you're standing alone. (standing alone) However I should have known (I should have know)" -How
"And you always prove me wrong" -Put Me Down
"Crying in my head again, and I know that it's not clear." -I Can't
and it goes on. More questions answered next entry.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Repeating Cycle
Why does this always happen....?
The irony is incredible.. But I fear I can't tell you anything. But it's happening again, and I warned them ahead of time. Because I know myself all to well... Beautiful..?
Sitting here,
I had a blast
I never thought that
this would last
Through the day and through the night,
blinded by my screen's bright light.
We sat and talked,
hours flew by,
and before know it,
sun reached the sky
to touch out and turn the sky bright blue
To green the leaves,
bring weather too
and through the windows,
the wind soon blew
and light sifted through the screen,
took flight, to settle among us
fight back the night
to bring a startled reality
eight hours of fun
no sleep,
we're stunned
And at the back at my head..
with no pillow or bed
with groggy eyes and
dry cracked smile
I hope it happens again....
A mystery burns behind her eyes
smoke rises from charred skin
She tries her best to hide
the fear and pain within
She keeps her mouth shut
she keeps her tongue tied
and the last things she could do
is ever try to lie
She’ll keep quiet
try to hide her unsettled
her disconcerted
her nervous face
and sighs
lifting fingers to touch face
slippery hand cups chin,
in half embrace
shiver ridden self
her shaking hands
the betrayel,
it was one far to big to be small
factor to this life and her bitter smile
The irony is incredible.. But I fear I can't tell you anything. But it's happening again, and I warned them ahead of time. Because I know myself all to well... Beautiful..?
Sitting here,
I had a blast
I never thought that
this would last
Through the day and through the night,
blinded by my screen's bright light.
We sat and talked,
hours flew by,
and before know it,
sun reached the sky
to touch out and turn the sky bright blue
To green the leaves,
bring weather too
and through the windows,
the wind soon blew
and light sifted through the screen,
took flight, to settle among us
fight back the night
to bring a startled reality
eight hours of fun
no sleep,
we're stunned
And at the back at my head..
with no pillow or bed
with groggy eyes and
dry cracked smile
I hope it happens again....
A mystery burns behind her eyes
smoke rises from charred skin
She tries her best to hide
the fear and pain within
She keeps her mouth shut
she keeps her tongue tied
and the last things she could do
is ever try to lie
She’ll keep quiet
try to hide her unsettled
her disconcerted
her nervous face
and sighs
lifting fingers to touch face
slippery hand cups chin,
in half embrace
shiver ridden self
her shaking hands
the betrayel,
it was one far to big to be small
factor to this life and her bitter smile
Saturday, May 21, 2005
The Dance ('BLACKOUT!')
Last night, I went to a high school dance for the first time. I went alone, because none of my friends seemed to be going. I didn't mind. So, it called for preparation.. It was a black-light dance. The fact that the school bulletin said "wear white" worried me, so my mom called some school staff to ask about it. She found out that it was simply a recommendation, because white glows under the black-light. That put me a bit more at ease, because I was wearing a retro-style hot pink and black flowered dress, that my mom had made. I wore it, because it glows wonderfully under the blacklight. My mom knew, because she went out at night to dances with black-lights, and she got a lot of compliments on that dress, funny as it is.
So I decided to wear that dress, which goes down to a bit past the fingertips.. Underneath I wore tights, and for shoes, shiny black go-go boots, which fit the retro style. I also put on a variety of bracelets that were illuminated by a black-light. I tested to see what things glowed, with my own black-light. I have an awesome thing that is perfect for the black-light.. A black-light marker. It's a marker that when used to draw in light, is completely invisible. But when a black-light is near it, it glows really brightly. I decided to use it for my lips and eyes. I didn't put much on my eyes, because when put on too thick, it looks ridiculous. So bright lips was good enough. I also put a star on my cheek and a heart with "Luv!" on my hand. Lastly I put on some hot pink nail polish (also something that glows) to match the dress.
So, my mom drove me there, and dad came with, in case there was somewhere they wanted to go after dropping me off. I was a bit nervous.. I kept on talking to mom, saying things like "oh no.. I'm going to be the only one not wearing white.." and "are you sure this looks ok..?" I was half calmed by her reassurance, but I was still worried.
When mom and I got out of the van, I was silly, in hopes to calm myself with my own silliness. Just joking with her, and she's a funny person anyway. "are you sure you're not embarrassed having me walk up with you, in my junky clothes and pants with holes in them?" "no way, you kidding?" Walking up to the place, we found that they weren't prepared. All the lights were still on, and nothing was happening, no one was allowed in. So mom and I wandered about a bit, and it was most amusing when she noticed the giant statue of Lincoln's head. "Woah! What the heck is that? ...Lincoln's head? That's so creepy, and weird looking" I laughed and agreed with her.
We walked back to the van. It was 8:33. Dad asked what was going on, and we told him the news. I said, "Hey, why don't we go get a hot chocolate, or something?" So we drive down further and park. We walk down a few blocks, and decide to go to Tully's Coffee instead of Starbucks, because Starbucks is evil. So I feel a bit ridiculous walking in these huge boots and a bright pink dress, as I go to Tully's. And of course mom points out how people are looking at me. I don't notice, because I don't bother to look and to check. We go into Tully's, and sit down by a window. I get a hot chocolate, and dad shows us a trick to do with the straw, so it spins around, looking like it's doing it on its own.
After I finish the hot chocolate we make our way back to the van, and mom comments on 'how great' the nachos were at the Goldies Sports Bar. They later told me the place was terrible, but it was 15 years ago that they had been there and enjoyed it.
I sit in front, and we drive back to the school. I get out my ID and ticket, and this time they drop me off at the corner. I say that I'll meet them back there at 11:30 PM. I show Rose my ID and give her the ticket. Rose is a scary security guard who, though short, is very.. Threatening. She's loud and will whistle loudly at you if she thinks you're up to no good. Luckily I've gotten on her good side. She was the first person I saw upon entering high school to look around (before school started), and she said I looked like a good kid "I can see it in the face". She's right on that.
So I go in. The gym has a divider, so one half had the lights off and the black-light going, while the other is lit, with a table set up for checking in extra items. I walk in, not having any pockets, I give them my ID which they put in bag 17. They give me a little tag with the number on it. I hadn't really noticed the girl to my left, nor recognized her, until I turned around.
"Tanya! It's you!" "Elizabeth...?? I didn't know you were coming!" Her blonde hair was up and she was wearing a white tshirt with red fishnet sleeves. I hadn't recognized her at first, because everyday that I see her, her hair is down. So we talked and headed towards the dance floor.
I noted that not many people were dancing, and those who were, were mostly couples and people who were primarily dancing in little groups, waving their hips around. I forget who said it, but someone said "It's really awkward, no one's really dancing" So eventually I find a little group with Elizabeth, and lose my nervousness and dance. I say I'm not a good dancing, but I have at least the guts. I'm a nervous person, but I let out my wild outgoing side when I dance. I'm not afraid to be stupid. I waited for a better song, with a more defined beat. I love songs with beat.. Because they are the most fun to dance to. Move to the beat, you know? It's fun. There was one girl who was very outgoing and funny, who was dancing and skipping up to dance with random groups of people. She really did get it started. She has no embarrassment, she dances and is silly. She really helped get the mood a lot less awkward and more fun. Eventually some people migrated away from me for a while, and I moved forward closer to the DJ and near the lights. People were noticing my lipstick (marker) and were complimenting it. Dancing by myself, I then noticed Jovy. Jovy is a friend of mine who's a year older, and she's really nice, and used to be really shy. But now she's really different, but not in a bad way. She saw me, waved, and then came up to me to ask over the music "Are you waiting for a friend?" I said no, I wasn't, they were just scattered about. She then joins me, and some of her friends do too. Those who were awkward finally started dancing, seeing Jovy and I dancing up a storm, as well as my amusing acquaintance, here and there. It was waaay too much fun. I ran into Fitsum too, and that was nice. Sometimes my friends would go to sit down, but I kept dancing. Sometimes strangers would come and join me and dance too. I never stopped. I danced to every song, even though I didn't really like one of them. I still love to dance to them, and most had decent beats. I especially liked the techno, and we laughed as we danced faster and faster to the beat as it went loud.
DJ doughboy.. I should have asked him to show us.. The DJ is my teacher's son, if I remember correctly. Mrs. Connie, she's really nice. Connie is just her nickname, if not her first name. Doughboy gets his name because he can stretch his skin really far.. Too bad I didn't ask.
So an hour later, everyone was dancing. Of course all the girls and guys were 'grinding hips', but it wasn't too graphic, so I didn't care. They were hidden in the crowd, anyway. I was too busy having fun. I laugh to think what my peers thought.. With me and my giant go-go boots, my bright dress, my crazy dancing.. I'm a shy person. I sit there in class, half asleep, rarely speaking. I wear loose clothes and am often drab. So it must have been a slight surprise. It's funny.
And yes, I was one of the only ones wearing something besides white. But it didn't matter in the end.
I only sat down for a fifteen second interval, and got back up and danced again. I danced for three hours straight, and it was extremely fun. Really really fun.
When I got out, I went to get my ID, and very slowly walked outside. It was nice and cold, and felt good. I slowly half walked half limped over to where mom was waiting, after she waved. "Oh my good.. my feet are deead.." I laughed and collapsed into the seat, and grinned at Alex as he waved a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at me.
I was afraid to see the blisters, because my feet hurt and I knew that I hadn't taken any breaks. To my surprise, when I pulled the boots off, there were none. I guess those are good boots... They don't have any rough edges. Good.
I collapsed onto my bed, reluctantly changing out of my dress and into my pajamas. I found that i had managed to sit in gum in the fifteen seconds I had sat down. To my relief, the gum was underneath the dress, on the butt of my tights. The skirt is short enough that it's hard to really sit on, and I had sat down on the bleachers. It was amusing, and annoying. In the dark I couldn't really tell what I was sitting on, but I noticed that my tights seemed to snag on something, which I just assumed were splinters of the bleachers..
So it was a lot of fun. Keep an eye out for pictures of it.. Either on myspace or on deviantart..
www.myspace.com/7anya
www.7anya.deviantart.com
So I decided to wear that dress, which goes down to a bit past the fingertips.. Underneath I wore tights, and for shoes, shiny black go-go boots, which fit the retro style. I also put on a variety of bracelets that were illuminated by a black-light. I tested to see what things glowed, with my own black-light. I have an awesome thing that is perfect for the black-light.. A black-light marker. It's a marker that when used to draw in light, is completely invisible. But when a black-light is near it, it glows really brightly. I decided to use it for my lips and eyes. I didn't put much on my eyes, because when put on too thick, it looks ridiculous. So bright lips was good enough. I also put a star on my cheek and a heart with "Luv!" on my hand. Lastly I put on some hot pink nail polish (also something that glows) to match the dress.
So, my mom drove me there, and dad came with, in case there was somewhere they wanted to go after dropping me off. I was a bit nervous.. I kept on talking to mom, saying things like "oh no.. I'm going to be the only one not wearing white.." and "are you sure this looks ok..?" I was half calmed by her reassurance, but I was still worried.
When mom and I got out of the van, I was silly, in hopes to calm myself with my own silliness. Just joking with her, and she's a funny person anyway. "are you sure you're not embarrassed having me walk up with you, in my junky clothes and pants with holes in them?" "no way, you kidding?" Walking up to the place, we found that they weren't prepared. All the lights were still on, and nothing was happening, no one was allowed in. So mom and I wandered about a bit, and it was most amusing when she noticed the giant statue of Lincoln's head. "Woah! What the heck is that? ...Lincoln's head? That's so creepy, and weird looking" I laughed and agreed with her.
We walked back to the van. It was 8:33. Dad asked what was going on, and we told him the news. I said, "Hey, why don't we go get a hot chocolate, or something?" So we drive down further and park. We walk down a few blocks, and decide to go to Tully's Coffee instead of Starbucks, because Starbucks is evil. So I feel a bit ridiculous walking in these huge boots and a bright pink dress, as I go to Tully's. And of course mom points out how people are looking at me. I don't notice, because I don't bother to look and to check. We go into Tully's, and sit down by a window. I get a hot chocolate, and dad shows us a trick to do with the straw, so it spins around, looking like it's doing it on its own.
After I finish the hot chocolate we make our way back to the van, and mom comments on 'how great' the nachos were at the Goldies Sports Bar. They later told me the place was terrible, but it was 15 years ago that they had been there and enjoyed it.
I sit in front, and we drive back to the school. I get out my ID and ticket, and this time they drop me off at the corner. I say that I'll meet them back there at 11:30 PM. I show Rose my ID and give her the ticket. Rose is a scary security guard who, though short, is very.. Threatening. She's loud and will whistle loudly at you if she thinks you're up to no good. Luckily I've gotten on her good side. She was the first person I saw upon entering high school to look around (before school started), and she said I looked like a good kid "I can see it in the face". She's right on that.
So I go in. The gym has a divider, so one half had the lights off and the black-light going, while the other is lit, with a table set up for checking in extra items. I walk in, not having any pockets, I give them my ID which they put in bag 17. They give me a little tag with the number on it. I hadn't really noticed the girl to my left, nor recognized her, until I turned around.
"Tanya! It's you!" "Elizabeth...?? I didn't know you were coming!" Her blonde hair was up and she was wearing a white tshirt with red fishnet sleeves. I hadn't recognized her at first, because everyday that I see her, her hair is down. So we talked and headed towards the dance floor.
I noted that not many people were dancing, and those who were, were mostly couples and people who were primarily dancing in little groups, waving their hips around. I forget who said it, but someone said "It's really awkward, no one's really dancing" So eventually I find a little group with Elizabeth, and lose my nervousness and dance. I say I'm not a good dancing, but I have at least the guts. I'm a nervous person, but I let out my wild outgoing side when I dance. I'm not afraid to be stupid. I waited for a better song, with a more defined beat. I love songs with beat.. Because they are the most fun to dance to. Move to the beat, you know? It's fun. There was one girl who was very outgoing and funny, who was dancing and skipping up to dance with random groups of people. She really did get it started. She has no embarrassment, she dances and is silly. She really helped get the mood a lot less awkward and more fun. Eventually some people migrated away from me for a while, and I moved forward closer to the DJ and near the lights. People were noticing my lipstick (marker) and were complimenting it. Dancing by myself, I then noticed Jovy. Jovy is a friend of mine who's a year older, and she's really nice, and used to be really shy. But now she's really different, but not in a bad way. She saw me, waved, and then came up to me to ask over the music "Are you waiting for a friend?" I said no, I wasn't, they were just scattered about. She then joins me, and some of her friends do too. Those who were awkward finally started dancing, seeing Jovy and I dancing up a storm, as well as my amusing acquaintance, here and there. It was waaay too much fun. I ran into Fitsum too, and that was nice. Sometimes my friends would go to sit down, but I kept dancing. Sometimes strangers would come and join me and dance too. I never stopped. I danced to every song, even though I didn't really like one of them. I still love to dance to them, and most had decent beats. I especially liked the techno, and we laughed as we danced faster and faster to the beat as it went loud.
DJ doughboy.. I should have asked him to show us.. The DJ is my teacher's son, if I remember correctly. Mrs. Connie, she's really nice. Connie is just her nickname, if not her first name. Doughboy gets his name because he can stretch his skin really far.. Too bad I didn't ask.
So an hour later, everyone was dancing. Of course all the girls and guys were 'grinding hips', but it wasn't too graphic, so I didn't care. They were hidden in the crowd, anyway. I was too busy having fun. I laugh to think what my peers thought.. With me and my giant go-go boots, my bright dress, my crazy dancing.. I'm a shy person. I sit there in class, half asleep, rarely speaking. I wear loose clothes and am often drab. So it must have been a slight surprise. It's funny.
And yes, I was one of the only ones wearing something besides white. But it didn't matter in the end.
I only sat down for a fifteen second interval, and got back up and danced again. I danced for three hours straight, and it was extremely fun. Really really fun.
When I got out, I went to get my ID, and very slowly walked outside. It was nice and cold, and felt good. I slowly half walked half limped over to where mom was waiting, after she waved. "Oh my good.. my feet are deead.." I laughed and collapsed into the seat, and grinned at Alex as he waved a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at me.
I was afraid to see the blisters, because my feet hurt and I knew that I hadn't taken any breaks. To my surprise, when I pulled the boots off, there were none. I guess those are good boots... They don't have any rough edges. Good.
I collapsed onto my bed, reluctantly changing out of my dress and into my pajamas. I found that i had managed to sit in gum in the fifteen seconds I had sat down. To my relief, the gum was underneath the dress, on the butt of my tights. The skirt is short enough that it's hard to really sit on, and I had sat down on the bleachers. It was amusing, and annoying. In the dark I couldn't really tell what I was sitting on, but I noticed that my tights seemed to snag on something, which I just assumed were splinters of the bleachers..
So it was a lot of fun. Keep an eye out for pictures of it.. Either on myspace or on deviantart..
www.myspace.com/7anya
www.7anya.deviantart.com
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I Love You, Chocolate
Chocolate.. *laughs* .... I had eaten like, seven mint truffle chocolates, and three great chocolate filled something chocolates. But yay--... I felt sick but it was so worth it. ^___^ I have a few left. I'll so kick Alex if he ate them. He bribed me to take a walk with him, because I have a cold and walking with a cold sucks.. And it was kinda raining, too. So he bought me candy. Then there was this huge rainbow, with another one near it. So we both went up to the garage roof.. The old playhouse is right next to it, so he hops up on the rain barrel, goes on the playhouse roof.. Boosts me up, and I say how I suspect that the roof will cave in. He agrees. So quickly, in the rain with an umbrella, he hands me my camera. He then holds the umbrella for me as I take pictures of the rainbow. The darned wires were in the way. But it was good enough. Alex is my brother, you fools. I say this in case you don't know names. Gotta go..!
Gwah! Nikhil, I miss you! T__T Lack of person to talk to!
---
Quotes I like.. :
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" -George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. -Voltaire
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. -Leo J. Burke
Death's brother, Sleep. -Virgil
It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. -Dr. Rob Gilbert
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. -Ernest Haskins
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved. -W. Somerset Maugham
Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. -George Bernard Shaw
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. -Will Durant
It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. -Confucius
It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself. -Eleanor Roosevelt
Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart. -Lois McMaster Bujold
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? -Steven Wright
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. -Bertrand Russell
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.' -Roy Blount Jr
Television is for appearing on - not for looking at. -Noel Coward
Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? -Philip G. Hamerton
I am not young enough to know everything. -Oscar Wilde
---
Quotes I like.. :
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" -George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. -Voltaire
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. -Leo J. Burke
Death's brother, Sleep. -Virgil
It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. -Dr. Rob Gilbert
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. -Ernest Haskins
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved. -W. Somerset Maugham
Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. -George Bernard Shaw
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. -Will Durant
It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. -Confucius
It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself. -Eleanor Roosevelt
Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart. -Lois McMaster Bujold
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? -Steven Wright
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. -Bertrand Russell
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.' -Roy Blount Jr
Television is for appearing on - not for looking at. -Noel Coward
Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? -Philip G. Hamerton
I am not young enough to know everything. -Oscar Wilde
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Helo..
I'm sick sick sick. Nose rubbed sore. Stinging sucks.
Why is it always so hot up here..? It was raining, there was thunder.. Why does it do this to me?
My english is broken. Talking is broken. My sayings are not of the proper english. Lovely.
Okay, let me speak properly, instead of breaking off with random words and not really expressing anything..
Today I went to college. Of course, a fifteen year old in college is not normal. Nah nah, I'm not smart, I just went for a tour, basically. I sat in in one of my older bro's classes. An hour and a half of boredom. But it was.. worth it? Not really. But it gave me a taste of all the things I don't know about math. And I got to see Michael (A DIFFERENT one, jeebus!), who's my brother's best friend. He looks way different. Last time I saw him was about two years ago, and he's completely changed. He lost a lot of weight... He's actually really skinny looking, in the face especially, and it's just weird.. Because last time I saw him he was pretty chubby looking. Really a huge contrast, it was weird.
I hate being sick... It's evil. I hate runny noses, coughing, all this junk.. Rub nose raw with kleenex that I swear could give a paper-cut, and feel just crappy.
Knights in Shining Karma. That's not a bad song.
I want to go take a nap now, and not do any homework or do anything. I'm bored again. I wanna sleep. But is that new..? Not at all.
I loath my brothers sarcastic cheerful voice as he reminds me of what I should be doing, and in such a voice that is obviously a threat.
Leave me be. I'll be asleep in ten minutes anyway.
Why is it always so hot up here..? It was raining, there was thunder.. Why does it do this to me?
My english is broken. Talking is broken. My sayings are not of the proper english. Lovely.
Okay, let me speak properly, instead of breaking off with random words and not really expressing anything..
Today I went to college. Of course, a fifteen year old in college is not normal. Nah nah, I'm not smart, I just went for a tour, basically. I sat in in one of my older bro's classes. An hour and a half of boredom. But it was.. worth it? Not really. But it gave me a taste of all the things I don't know about math. And I got to see Michael (A DIFFERENT one, jeebus!), who's my brother's best friend. He looks way different. Last time I saw him was about two years ago, and he's completely changed. He lost a lot of weight... He's actually really skinny looking, in the face especially, and it's just weird.. Because last time I saw him he was pretty chubby looking. Really a huge contrast, it was weird.
I hate being sick... It's evil. I hate runny noses, coughing, all this junk.. Rub nose raw with kleenex that I swear could give a paper-cut, and feel just crappy.
Knights in Shining Karma. That's not a bad song.
I want to go take a nap now, and not do any homework or do anything. I'm bored again. I wanna sleep. But is that new..? Not at all.
I loath my brothers sarcastic cheerful voice as he reminds me of what I should be doing, and in such a voice that is obviously a threat.
Leave me be. I'll be asleep in ten minutes anyway.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Strange..
I don't get it...
Today I was sad. Well, of course. I just wanted to sleep, I didn't want to do anything. So I lay down to sleep on the couch. I then, half asleep, get shouted at by my mom. A rare occurrence.
"This bugs me, okay? What are you doing? Are you going to bed or are you going to wake up later? Make up your mind!"
"I'm going to wake up later, okay?? Leave me alone!"
I then sleep in silence.
I now wake up, bleary eyed and still just as tired. She asks me what I'm going to do.
"You might as well go to bed."
"But.. I have stuff to do..."
"Due tomorrow?"
"Yeah...."
"Can you be sick tomorrow?" I am amazed by this.
"Can I..?"
"Well, if you're still sick.."
The irony is, just a month ago, my mom said to me.. "You can't be absent anymore, you know. Even if you miss a paper, even if you forget something big, we're not letting you miss any more school. You'll just have to deal with it." Now, suddenly, she changes her mind. I don't get it..
I do have a stuffy nose and a slight sore throat, but.. It's funny. This will be good. I can get enough sleep, yet work on my five page paper, catapult, extra credit math, math, Japanese pages, and study. Hm..
Well.. Fate and luck is with me, today. I wanted something to smile at, and I got it. I wanted something stress-less, and got it. I'm glad..
Today I was sad. Well, of course. I just wanted to sleep, I didn't want to do anything. So I lay down to sleep on the couch. I then, half asleep, get shouted at by my mom. A rare occurrence.
"This bugs me, okay? What are you doing? Are you going to bed or are you going to wake up later? Make up your mind!"
"I'm going to wake up later, okay?? Leave me alone!"
I then sleep in silence.
I now wake up, bleary eyed and still just as tired. She asks me what I'm going to do.
"You might as well go to bed."
"But.. I have stuff to do..."
"Due tomorrow?"
"Yeah...."
"Can you be sick tomorrow?" I am amazed by this.
"Can I..?"
"Well, if you're still sick.."
The irony is, just a month ago, my mom said to me.. "You can't be absent anymore, you know. Even if you miss a paper, even if you forget something big, we're not letting you miss any more school. You'll just have to deal with it." Now, suddenly, she changes her mind. I don't get it..
I do have a stuffy nose and a slight sore throat, but.. It's funny. This will be good. I can get enough sleep, yet work on my five page paper, catapult, extra credit math, math, Japanese pages, and study. Hm..
Well.. Fate and luck is with me, today. I wanted something to smile at, and I got it. I wanted something stress-less, and got it. I'm glad..
...
Now I feel sad.. I just want it to all go away. I want to crawl in bed and fall asleep, with no worries.. I want every mislead decision, every foolish word and painful accusation.. I want it to all float away.. It hurts.
........
Never say a word more. I'd like it to all go away so I can have some peace of mind.. I'd like to go away now.. *closes eyes* I'm tired. Nightmare is playing with fate. And nightmare is trying to help what cannot be helped. Sad sad sad--..
... *sighs* I'd like to curl up under the covers, sleep, and not wake up for a long long time. I want it to all disappear. I want it all to go away. Leave me alone.
..Cruel it all is. As I said, a mistake. Let me be, leave me alone, let me go. I want to slip away from all of this.. Ugh.. so gloomy. Sorry..
Give me something to smile at. This weariness tires me. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything at all.
This is why I avoid action. This is why I leave everything alone, and let it pass me by. Because whenever I try to do something, it leaves me numb and empty, another regret to the list... I hope I'll feel better, tomorrow..
I need a hug and there's no one to hug. I need a smile yet there's nothing to smile at. I need to relax yet stress is thrown upon me, and especially today. Allow me to disappear.
........
Never say a word more. I'd like it to all go away so I can have some peace of mind.. I'd like to go away now.. *closes eyes* I'm tired. Nightmare is playing with fate. And nightmare is trying to help what cannot be helped. Sad sad sad--..
... *sighs* I'd like to curl up under the covers, sleep, and not wake up for a long long time. I want it to all disappear. I want it all to go away. Leave me alone.
..Cruel it all is. As I said, a mistake. Let me be, leave me alone, let me go. I want to slip away from all of this.. Ugh.. so gloomy. Sorry..
Give me something to smile at. This weariness tires me. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything at all.
This is why I avoid action. This is why I leave everything alone, and let it pass me by. Because whenever I try to do something, it leaves me numb and empty, another regret to the list... I hope I'll feel better, tomorrow..
I need a hug and there's no one to hug. I need a smile yet there's nothing to smile at. I need to relax yet stress is thrown upon me, and especially today. Allow me to disappear.
Letting it Slip
Whoops.
See last entry? It was bothering me.. So I'm letting it all slip.
I was horrified, when I went to see the main page of my ex-friend's friend, and saw the drawing she had done. Stolen heart? Again?? Michael Michael.. You fucking idiot. How many hearts are you gonna steal? Mine, hers, theirs.. I stole mine back. Mine was a bit mangled after the whole experience, but I got it back. I was horrified to see this girl drawing that, because only three months ago, I had drawn the same f*cking thing. Stolen heart.
I couldn't help but say something to her.. I couldn't help it. Had to warn her, or something. Tell her. So I noted her. I told her that "I know you don't know me, but.." and advised her to be careful, not to force him into the dating scene, to hell with him, and to be nice to him, because it stresses him out. (and she'd likely get a broken heart, if she expected anything more)
She's hella curious, and bribes me to tell her the entire story. So today after school, I'm going to chat with her and tell her. She can kick Michael for me, and boy that'd be satisfying. *makes a face* I have no real grudge, but it pisses me off how he messes with all the girls' hearts. I don't know if he does it on purpose, but I guess he's got that natural charm. And he just knows a lot of girls, anyway. I wonder why he kept the doll...? And if he still has that sketchbook..? I don't know. *shakes head*
Michael will be so pissed at me, I know it. Because once again I screw with his life. What if he likes her? Hm? But I still can't have him rampaging about breaking people's hearts. It pisses me off too much. I'll tell her about it, but I won't dismiss the fact that she may have a chance. I just don't want her to get wrapped up in it like I did. But, maybe I'm a fool, because it was far away in the first place. Yet he's such a.. I don't know. He never makes any sense. So, we'll see what happens..
See last entry? It was bothering me.. So I'm letting it all slip.
I was horrified, when I went to see the main page of my ex-friend's friend, and saw the drawing she had done. Stolen heart? Again?? Michael Michael.. You fucking idiot. How many hearts are you gonna steal? Mine, hers, theirs.. I stole mine back. Mine was a bit mangled after the whole experience, but I got it back. I was horrified to see this girl drawing that, because only three months ago, I had drawn the same f*cking thing. Stolen heart.
I couldn't help but say something to her.. I couldn't help it. Had to warn her, or something. Tell her. So I noted her. I told her that "I know you don't know me, but.." and advised her to be careful, not to force him into the dating scene, to hell with him, and to be nice to him, because it stresses him out. (and she'd likely get a broken heart, if she expected anything more)
She's hella curious, and bribes me to tell her the entire story. So today after school, I'm going to chat with her and tell her. She can kick Michael for me, and boy that'd be satisfying. *makes a face* I have no real grudge, but it pisses me off how he messes with all the girls' hearts. I don't know if he does it on purpose, but I guess he's got that natural charm. And he just knows a lot of girls, anyway. I wonder why he kept the doll...? And if he still has that sketchbook..? I don't know. *shakes head*
Michael will be so pissed at me, I know it. Because once again I screw with his life. What if he likes her? Hm? But I still can't have him rampaging about breaking people's hearts. It pisses me off too much. I'll tell her about it, but I won't dismiss the fact that she may have a chance. I just don't want her to get wrapped up in it like I did. But, maybe I'm a fool, because it was far away in the first place. Yet he's such a.. I don't know. He never makes any sense. So, we'll see what happens..
Sunday, May 15, 2005
EVERYONE. Loves. HIM.
He's fucked.
I pity him.. It makes me feel sick. Girls are following him like wolves to meat. What a sucky life. Poor boy. Girls are falling in love with him. I never wanted to be one of them. He's an asshole in disguise. He has a sweet temperament and a lovely face. He draws and he writes, he perplexed and keeps you wondering. I feel sorry for all those girls, and I feel especially sorry for him. It makes me sick to think about it. It's sad. Poor fool.
I pity him.. It makes me feel sick. Girls are following him like wolves to meat. What a sucky life. Poor boy. Girls are falling in love with him. I never wanted to be one of them. He's an asshole in disguise. He has a sweet temperament and a lovely face. He draws and he writes, he perplexed and keeps you wondering. I feel sorry for all those girls, and I feel especially sorry for him. It makes me sick to think about it. It's sad. Poor fool.
*whistles*
"Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. So if there's something you'd like to try, if there's something you'd like to try, ask me I won't say no, how could I?--- Spending warm summer days indoors-- Ask me ask me--"
-Ask, The Smiths
"Je m'assieds, nu par terre dans l'eau et la suie. Le temps est à la pluie--La pluie était dus-- Avril si cruelle. Avril ma chère j'avais oublié l'hiver. Avril si belle. Avril si cruelle. Avril ma chère étais la mois pour ma plaire... Pour demain contre son mot pour la refoul. Le soliel enterait avant. Je mettais une melodie important. J'avais la soleil dont relu"
-Avril en Mai, Apples in Stereo
"I've been thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. And I, have to speculate, that god himself did make us corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay. Ture, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I'm missing you to death. When you, are out there on the road for several weeks of shows, and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home."
-Such Great Heights, The Postal Service
---
What should I write about today..? Life is boring. Makes my head hurt. What if I can't make up my mind, to be happy or sad? I'm getting a headache because I'm not sure which. My lost friend is depressing me..
There's no one here. I like being home alone, but today it's bittersweet. The phone rings. ----
~3 hours later~
Damn. Just as I embraced the silence, the people come back. I'm going to go cower in my room for a few hours now. No, just turn the music up louder. Till the ground shakes. Yet they get on my case.
I feel restless.
Extremely. Sunday is evil.
How to start.. Sitting here, doing nothing, I'm tired, bored, restless, worried, lazy. No different than usual. Balanced on another cup is my favorite mug.. "Wake me up when the weekend arrives!" My friend Iris gave me it for my birthday. It was funny, because she doesn't know my love for sleep, at least I don't remember telling her.
Maybe by will alone I'd be able to make myself be able to eat.. something. Besides all this crap. Maybe the will be be perfect. My body is the holder of my soul, so I have to treat it well. Seeing everyone else make mistakes leads me to avoid each. I have no reason to fall off my path. All summer I'll do well.. Just watch. Become more balanced. Learn to cook, get healthy.
Did you know I'm joining weight training next year? At school..? Only boys sign up for that one, but I'm taking the challenge. It'll be fun. Wait, no, it won't be, but it'll be.. funny. If I pass the class, my confidence will have a big boost. For some reason I'd take pride being the only girl in the class doing something I'm not good at, and surviving. It'd be a laugh. So, during the summer, I have more reason to get fit. I hate exercise, yet I'll find reason to. Because if I don't, next year I'll make a fool of myself. I'll fail terribly at the class. So knowing that, I'll go out and about every day. Every day this summer...
*laughs* I'll be able to say, "In high school, my junior year, I joined a weight training class with all guys, all competitive high-ego guys, and passed!" I'd love to say that. *grins* I don't know why! It'd make me feel just a bit more cool and give me that 'I can do anything' feeling... I can succeed if I try. Prove that to myself, and I'll be confident to do what I want to.
I'd like to climb a tree. How random is that? I'd like to run around. I'd like to go around town.. Oh oh! Box-head! Hahha.. Maybe.. maybe.. That'd be funny.. Maybe maybe not.
-Ask, The Smiths
"Je m'assieds, nu par terre dans l'eau et la suie. Le temps est à la pluie--La pluie était dus-- Avril si cruelle. Avril ma chère j'avais oublié l'hiver. Avril si belle. Avril si cruelle. Avril ma chère étais la mois pour ma plaire... Pour demain contre son mot pour la refoul. Le soliel enterait avant. Je mettais une melodie important. J'avais la soleil dont relu"
-Avril en Mai, Apples in Stereo
"I've been thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. And I, have to speculate, that god himself did make us corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay. Ture, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I'm missing you to death. When you, are out there on the road for several weeks of shows, and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home."
-Such Great Heights, The Postal Service
---
What should I write about today..? Life is boring. Makes my head hurt. What if I can't make up my mind, to be happy or sad? I'm getting a headache because I'm not sure which. My lost friend is depressing me..
There's no one here. I like being home alone, but today it's bittersweet. The phone rings. ----
~3 hours later~
Damn. Just as I embraced the silence, the people come back. I'm going to go cower in my room for a few hours now. No, just turn the music up louder. Till the ground shakes. Yet they get on my case.
I feel restless.
Extremely. Sunday is evil.
How to start.. Sitting here, doing nothing, I'm tired, bored, restless, worried, lazy. No different than usual. Balanced on another cup is my favorite mug.. "Wake me up when the weekend arrives!" My friend Iris gave me it for my birthday. It was funny, because she doesn't know my love for sleep, at least I don't remember telling her.
Maybe by will alone I'd be able to make myself be able to eat.. something. Besides all this crap. Maybe the will be be perfect. My body is the holder of my soul, so I have to treat it well. Seeing everyone else make mistakes leads me to avoid each. I have no reason to fall off my path. All summer I'll do well.. Just watch. Become more balanced. Learn to cook, get healthy.
Did you know I'm joining weight training next year? At school..? Only boys sign up for that one, but I'm taking the challenge. It'll be fun. Wait, no, it won't be, but it'll be.. funny. If I pass the class, my confidence will have a big boost. For some reason I'd take pride being the only girl in the class doing something I'm not good at, and surviving. It'd be a laugh. So, during the summer, I have more reason to get fit. I hate exercise, yet I'll find reason to. Because if I don't, next year I'll make a fool of myself. I'll fail terribly at the class. So knowing that, I'll go out and about every day. Every day this summer...
*laughs* I'll be able to say, "In high school, my junior year, I joined a weight training class with all guys, all competitive high-ego guys, and passed!" I'd love to say that. *grins* I don't know why! It'd make me feel just a bit more cool and give me that 'I can do anything' feeling... I can succeed if I try. Prove that to myself, and I'll be confident to do what I want to.
I'd like to climb a tree. How random is that? I'd like to run around. I'd like to go around town.. Oh oh! Box-head! Hahha.. Maybe.. maybe.. That'd be funny.. Maybe maybe not.
DREAMS!
Okay okay.
So I dreamed that I was somewhere. It had a road, and it had a field, and it had a huge mound of rock. There was also a lone, very wide.. wide as my height, gravestone. It was like a mirror, with words on it. The creepy thing about this grave, is that when you stand near it, you can see a translucent smear covering the entire thing, making a giant sad face. Alex's voice continues to say "Isn't it creepy, how when you stand near it it's frowning, but when you step away it has this freaky smile?"
In the same place, with us not there, the long-haired guy with glasses, the samurai from Samurai Champloo has a typewriter. He is irritated, like me, that he's in an open space, and the other guy is getting on his nerves. So he uses his sword to cut a cave into the mound of rock, closing it behind him, and sitting down to type some more on his typewriter.
Change of place. I'm sitting at the computer, and I get a message from someone I can't believe is talking to me. My lost friend. I'm surprised and thinking it's some huge joke, and I never really get my answer.
I somehow chat with Spesiel, and my curiosity leads me to ask if he has a website. To my disappointment, it has no pictures, and is all in French.
I find out that you actually have to click the name of the offline person to see if you have any messages from them from when YOU were offline..
Somewhere I see a picture Spesiel took, and I can see his reflection in something, so I feel victorious.
I'm in a garden, my garden. I can talk to bugs. One is all sad, avoiding me and holding a grudge against me. I make some really weird deal with it, it's a caterpillar, that if it can finish eating a clover, it has to talk to me again. It does, and then everyone's like "YAY!" and happy and such. I then raise both arms and bring them down, saying "Everything that needed to be done is done!" and I wake up.
Isn't that really weird...?
So I dreamed that I was somewhere. It had a road, and it had a field, and it had a huge mound of rock. There was also a lone, very wide.. wide as my height, gravestone. It was like a mirror, with words on it. The creepy thing about this grave, is that when you stand near it, you can see a translucent smear covering the entire thing, making a giant sad face. Alex's voice continues to say "Isn't it creepy, how when you stand near it it's frowning, but when you step away it has this freaky smile?"
In the same place, with us not there, the long-haired guy with glasses, the samurai from Samurai Champloo has a typewriter. He is irritated, like me, that he's in an open space, and the other guy is getting on his nerves. So he uses his sword to cut a cave into the mound of rock, closing it behind him, and sitting down to type some more on his typewriter.
Change of place. I'm sitting at the computer, and I get a message from someone I can't believe is talking to me. My lost friend. I'm surprised and thinking it's some huge joke, and I never really get my answer.
I somehow chat with Spesiel, and my curiosity leads me to ask if he has a website. To my disappointment, it has no pictures, and is all in French.
I find out that you actually have to click the name of the offline person to see if you have any messages from them from when YOU were offline..
Somewhere I see a picture Spesiel took, and I can see his reflection in something, so I feel victorious.
I'm in a garden, my garden. I can talk to bugs. One is all sad, avoiding me and holding a grudge against me. I make some really weird deal with it, it's a caterpillar, that if it can finish eating a clover, it has to talk to me again. It does, and then everyone's like "YAY!" and happy and such. I then raise both arms and bring them down, saying "Everything that needed to be done is done!" and I wake up.
Isn't that really weird...?
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Who?
My throat is sore.. It makes me irritated. Slightly.
Whoo ammmm I? I am the darkness that elopes you just as you turn the light off, I am the feeling you get after a good meal, I am the confusion of not knowing when what where how why.. I am the essence of the strangely awake feeling you get, when you haven't had a blink of sleep all night. I am the quivering, I am the choke, I am the urge to sleep all day you sometimes get. I'm the tingling when your hands fall asleep, the pin sensation. I am the shadow that lurks behind you, wandering. I am the sweaty palms, I am the shiver, I am the warm blanket, I am the comfort of rolling up and closing your eyes when it gets to be too much...
Well, that's in metaphors.
If you saw me in real life, who would I be?
I'm nice, I'll never be rude. I won't swear and I won't tell you to go away, even if I hate you. I divert my eyes. I'm lazy, I look boring and normal, except for on some days.. Some days you have to stare. Maybe I'll have purple hair, or maybe my face will be smeared with green eyeliner, or maybe I'll be wearing an elaborate costume of black. Maybe I'll be wearing a bright pink wig. Maybe huge boots and maybe something no one would dare to wear. But, that's just on days when I'm bored.
A normal day is hell in the morning. I'm slow.. Slow slow slow. I don't want to wear anything that I can't loosely fall into, half asleep. I never ever ever wear blue jeans. Always cargo pants, loose, in a shade of green. Rarely anything that fits completely, it has to be a little loose. On average I'll be wearing a black hoodie, with the words "NINJ4" on the front. It's a fan hoodie of the webcomic, Megatokyo (see links). Normal wide sneakers... whatever the heck you call them.
I'm lazy and loose, just as my clothing says. I'm sleepy.... I want something very comfortable. If it snags, I'm not wearing it. If you have to check it, I'm not wearing. Nor will I wear anything that will go too low, injure me, or slow me down. No heels, no short skirts, no over-long sleeves, no low shirts. No tank tops, usually. I don't have anything to show off, and school? Why at school? I don't like anyone there. Only my friends.
My hair is short, also because I'm lazy. More, I'm self-conscious, which ironically means I'll diminish the things I'm self-conscious about. Less hair, less to worry about. I had my hair cut short, because whenever I looked in the mirror in the morning, it was all over the place, or was a mess.. And I would fuss with it and feel all junky when I went to school. I actually considered shaving my head. *laughs* I hate hair. It's such a bother. Yet, shaving my head would be too much. They'd think I have cancer. So no. Just short hair.
I never wear make up. Because it's something to fuss with. Rub my face, and I'll smear it. And lipstick comes off when you eat, and it feels icky. Eyeliner is unnecessary. Mascara does nothing. Makeup is just.. crappy. It's a pain in the ass, it makes you look desperate, and it doesn't make you pretty. And who cares about looks..? I won't change my looks so people will like me, if they don't like normal me, they don't like me.
I'm very easygoing. I'll go where you go, I don't care. I don't mind if you say something rude to me. I'm not easily insulted, but if someone close to me insults me and is serious, it hurts a lot. I'm nervous with people in general.. I'm thinking I have some social-anxiety or something. When my friends come over, I get nervous. I feel like they're judging everything I do, so I feel pressured to be entertaining and interesting. And it leaves me feeling bad if my company and I don't do much. So I never invite people over. But I do go to parties or whatever comes up. I just don't like one-on-one, when I'm the one inviting. Phone conversations also make me nervous, but just because whenever I call.. I seem to get someone who can't speak English (Iris... *sigh*), someone who can't hear me, or my friend answers and I can't recognize their voice. So it leaves me embarrassed.
I guess I could call myself a 'sincere sweet person', simply because I don't.. like to ever hurt people's feelings, ever, and I tell the truth. I don't have a reason to lie, and I don't have a reason to say anything that I would not want said to me. Though I feel nervous with people, when there's good conversation, or if it's someone I can really be open with, I love company.
I like being asked questions. I like to tell people my stories. "Why do you always have to have someone to tell your story to?" I thrive on it. Who knows why. I guess I need to let it out, somehow.
"you look bored" "I always do" "I thought you always looked tired" "I always look tired and bored"
To be continued..
Whoo ammmm I? I am the darkness that elopes you just as you turn the light off, I am the feeling you get after a good meal, I am the confusion of not knowing when what where how why.. I am the essence of the strangely awake feeling you get, when you haven't had a blink of sleep all night. I am the quivering, I am the choke, I am the urge to sleep all day you sometimes get. I'm the tingling when your hands fall asleep, the pin sensation. I am the shadow that lurks behind you, wandering. I am the sweaty palms, I am the shiver, I am the warm blanket, I am the comfort of rolling up and closing your eyes when it gets to be too much...
Well, that's in metaphors.
If you saw me in real life, who would I be?
I'm nice, I'll never be rude. I won't swear and I won't tell you to go away, even if I hate you. I divert my eyes. I'm lazy, I look boring and normal, except for on some days.. Some days you have to stare. Maybe I'll have purple hair, or maybe my face will be smeared with green eyeliner, or maybe I'll be wearing an elaborate costume of black. Maybe I'll be wearing a bright pink wig. Maybe huge boots and maybe something no one would dare to wear. But, that's just on days when I'm bored.
A normal day is hell in the morning. I'm slow.. Slow slow slow. I don't want to wear anything that I can't loosely fall into, half asleep. I never ever ever wear blue jeans. Always cargo pants, loose, in a shade of green. Rarely anything that fits completely, it has to be a little loose. On average I'll be wearing a black hoodie, with the words "NINJ4" on the front. It's a fan hoodie of the webcomic, Megatokyo (see links). Normal wide sneakers... whatever the heck you call them.
I'm lazy and loose, just as my clothing says. I'm sleepy.... I want something very comfortable. If it snags, I'm not wearing it. If you have to check it, I'm not wearing. Nor will I wear anything that will go too low, injure me, or slow me down. No heels, no short skirts, no over-long sleeves, no low shirts. No tank tops, usually. I don't have anything to show off, and school? Why at school? I don't like anyone there. Only my friends.
My hair is short, also because I'm lazy. More, I'm self-conscious, which ironically means I'll diminish the things I'm self-conscious about. Less hair, less to worry about. I had my hair cut short, because whenever I looked in the mirror in the morning, it was all over the place, or was a mess.. And I would fuss with it and feel all junky when I went to school. I actually considered shaving my head. *laughs* I hate hair. It's such a bother. Yet, shaving my head would be too much. They'd think I have cancer. So no. Just short hair.
I never wear make up. Because it's something to fuss with. Rub my face, and I'll smear it. And lipstick comes off when you eat, and it feels icky. Eyeliner is unnecessary. Mascara does nothing. Makeup is just.. crappy. It's a pain in the ass, it makes you look desperate, and it doesn't make you pretty. And who cares about looks..? I won't change my looks so people will like me, if they don't like normal me, they don't like me.
I'm very easygoing. I'll go where you go, I don't care. I don't mind if you say something rude to me. I'm not easily insulted, but if someone close to me insults me and is serious, it hurts a lot. I'm nervous with people in general.. I'm thinking I have some social-anxiety or something. When my friends come over, I get nervous. I feel like they're judging everything I do, so I feel pressured to be entertaining and interesting. And it leaves me feeling bad if my company and I don't do much. So I never invite people over. But I do go to parties or whatever comes up. I just don't like one-on-one, when I'm the one inviting. Phone conversations also make me nervous, but just because whenever I call.. I seem to get someone who can't speak English (Iris... *sigh*), someone who can't hear me, or my friend answers and I can't recognize their voice. So it leaves me embarrassed.
I guess I could call myself a 'sincere sweet person', simply because I don't.. like to ever hurt people's feelings, ever, and I tell the truth. I don't have a reason to lie, and I don't have a reason to say anything that I would not want said to me. Though I feel nervous with people, when there's good conversation, or if it's someone I can really be open with, I love company.
I like being asked questions. I like to tell people my stories. "Why do you always have to have someone to tell your story to?" I thrive on it. Who knows why. I guess I need to let it out, somehow.
"you look bored" "I always do" "I thought you always looked tired" "I always look tired and bored"
To be continued..
My Favorite Artist
My favorite artist is most definitely Mark Ryden, with a creepy, smooth style of painting.. Symbolism in each, hidden meanings. I saw an exhibition at Frye Art Museum in October of 2004.. Was awesome. First I'd seen of his work. Definitely fresh and interesting compared to the same-old art I was used to seeing.
My favorites-
Rose 42
The Last Rabbit
Little Star
Princess Sputnik
Saint Barbie
Bjork
Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers
Just the Girls
You can see them all at http://www.markryden.com/paintings/index.html
My favorites-
Rose 42
The Last Rabbit
Little Star
Princess Sputnik
Saint Barbie
Bjork
Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers
Just the Girls
You can see them all at http://www.markryden.com/paintings/index.html
Get Off the PHONE!!
Alex and I were having sword fights with kitchen utensils. *grins* Mom's birthday is today, and she won't shut up! She's just blabbing on the phone.. Blah blah blah. And I want to give her her presents, yet she won't get off the phone! So, to get her attention, first I wrote in red marker on a napkin "Do you want presents or not?", drawing her blabbing on the phone. "What, you got presents?" "Who says we did?" and she continues to blab. So, to get her attention, or see how absorbed into the phone she is, we decided to do weird things. First I grabbed the spatula.. thing.. metal thing.. er.. and I proclaimed "SWORD FIGHT!!" and he grabbed a cheese grater from the drawer. We then continued to whack at each other's utensil, making clinging and clanging noises in the kitchen. "Hiyaaa! I will beat you!" *clang clang* Continued attacking each other, until Alex doubled over laughing, and I did too. Looked at mom, and oblivious and blind, she didn't even notice, though we were right in front of her. The clanging is a perfect sound affect for a sword fight, sounds exactly like it.
Next I hopped onto his shoulders and nearly hit the ceiling, and we rampaged about and he scared me, occasionally hopping on one foot or acting off-balance. Dad shakes his head at us "you guys.." Alex has to bend down so my head won't hit the doorways. Sets me down on the coffee table, and we look at mom, still blabbing away. We then go upstairs, giving up. She's still talking.
Next I hopped onto his shoulders and nearly hit the ceiling, and we rampaged about and he scared me, occasionally hopping on one foot or acting off-balance. Dad shakes his head at us "you guys.." Alex has to bend down so my head won't hit the doorways. Sets me down on the coffee table, and we look at mom, still blabbing away. We then go upstairs, giving up. She's still talking.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Remember?
*smiles to myself*
I remember, last summer I started a project. I was going to type up every diary and journal entry I had ever written. I have about three diaries.. Two I call journals. Red Diary, Yellow Journal, I'm working on those. I didn't get very far. First of all, I'm very paranoid, so if anyone stood anywhere near me I wouldn't be able to continue. I don't want them reading. So I only finished about six entries, and short ones. From when I was eleven.
---
Feb. 2001
Dear Diary,
I’m depressed. Ever since I found out Katie was doing the fairy notes I feel that there are no fairies. I wish always that they were there to comfort me. They would understand me and my feelings for the earth. I’m lonely and depressed. No one understands my feelings, not even my best friend. I wish there was someone who understood me, somone.
-Tanya
---
Feb. (?) 2001
Dear Diary,
For the Girl Scout talent show guess what I’m doing. I’m being a clown! Me and Anamarie are doing a comedy! I found the perfect clothes and make up. I look exactly like a clown.
-Tanya
-----
warm, sunny
March 6, 2001
Dear Diary,
I’m tired, sorry I couldn’t write too often. Today was the talent show. Me and Anamarie were a hit! The only problem was people went crazy over the silly string. If I ever do that again, I’ll need body guard! Yawn, good night. ~~~Tanya
P.S. Yesterday I planted the garden.
--
I eventually hope to finish the project. I'll have to work on it, sometime. Sounds fun. Funny to read old entries. But it's way too hot up here, so I'm going downstairs.
I remember, last summer I started a project. I was going to type up every diary and journal entry I had ever written. I have about three diaries.. Two I call journals. Red Diary, Yellow Journal, I'm working on those. I didn't get very far. First of all, I'm very paranoid, so if anyone stood anywhere near me I wouldn't be able to continue. I don't want them reading. So I only finished about six entries, and short ones. From when I was eleven.
---
Feb. 2001
Dear Diary,
I’m depressed. Ever since I found out Katie was doing the fairy notes I feel that there are no fairies. I wish always that they were there to comfort me. They would understand me and my feelings for the earth. I’m lonely and depressed. No one understands my feelings, not even my best friend. I wish there was someone who understood me, somone.
-Tanya
---
Feb. (?) 2001
Dear Diary,
For the Girl Scout talent show guess what I’m doing. I’m being a clown! Me and Anamarie are doing a comedy! I found the perfect clothes and make up. I look exactly like a clown.
-Tanya
-----
warm, sunny
March 6, 2001
Dear Diary,
I’m tired, sorry I couldn’t write too often. Today was the talent show. Me and Anamarie were a hit! The only problem was people went crazy over the silly string. If I ever do that again, I’ll need body guard! Yawn, good night. ~~~Tanya
P.S. Yesterday I planted the garden.
--
I eventually hope to finish the project. I'll have to work on it, sometime. Sounds fun. Funny to read old entries. But it's way too hot up here, so I'm going downstairs.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Oh Yay!
Happy happy happy! Guess what my mom bought! A sensitive fern!!! I love those-! Have you ever seen one? Have you ever touched one? Basically, it's a plant that moves, when you touch it. You run your finger down the fern and the leaves fold up.. And some of the stems move too. I saw it once in a greenhouse, and I had always wanted one.. That was like, three years ago.. And now, randomly, my mom got one!
Lookie, it's this plant: http://www.ulg.ac.be/cedevit/Bilingue/mimosa.htm
It's pretty cool. Entertaining, haha.
Lookie, it's this plant: http://www.ulg.ac.be/cedevit/Bilingue/mimosa.htm
It's pretty cool. Entertaining, haha.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Cravings
I could use a chocolate milk. I'm addicted to Nesquik.. And pixie sticks. Yay. Taffy.. I could use some taffy.. And some of those chocolates with almonds.. and that macadamia nut hawaiian candy... Man, those were so cheap when we went to Hawaii. It's soooo great, too. I love those assorted chocolates. "Girls swoon over chocolate, don't they?" is what our annoying stalker said, Nick. He's hella annoying. But it is true, we loooove chocolate. Especially at school, when we're tired and are lacking it. Dark chocolate can be good, but too much makes you feel sick. Pixie sticks are one of the most addicting, simply because it doesn't make you feel sick and it's like.. sugar. *grins* Candy! My favorite ever is those like.. what are they.. strawberry chocolates. Strawberry cream chocolates. Damn are those good. Hahhah.. What is with this? My candy entry. I'm definitely going to have a large glass of chocolate milk. Yum yum yum. It's been like, years since I've had a good box of chocolates..
Cam Cam
Mmmmmhm.
I got my camera working, so webcam. Nikhil got to see me on webcam. Dun dun duun. I don't like people to see when I'm half a sleep and a messs..--Blahh
Now he just has to get his webcam working. He sees me, I see him, only fair. I don't like to show myself. *yawns* Lah lah, I've gotta get ready for school.
I got my camera working, so webcam. Nikhil got to see me on webcam. Dun dun duun. I don't like people to see when I'm half a sleep and a messs..--Blahh
Now he just has to get his webcam working. He sees me, I see him, only fair. I don't like to show myself. *yawns* Lah lah, I've gotta get ready for school.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Just so you know---
General information.
I just joined myspace for the hell of it. http://www.myspace.com/15585975 If you're bored.
I also joined Quizfarm, http://quizfarm.com/view_user_profile.php?uid=30318 Take them if you're bored.
My yahoo is thedearlonelyone, my AIM is thedearlonelyone, I don't have msn but I will, and my screen name will be the same.
I am a member of deviantart, look at my list of links on the right.
If I think of anything else I'll tell you.
I just joined myspace for the hell of it. http://www.myspace.com/15585975 If you're bored.
I also joined Quizfarm, http://quizfarm.com/view_user_profile.php?uid=30318 Take them if you're bored.
My yahoo is thedearlonelyone, my AIM is thedearlonelyone, I don't have msn but I will, and my screen name will be the same.
I am a member of deviantart, look at my list of links on the right.
If I think of anything else I'll tell you.
Nooo--! I'm A Killer!!
*cries*.... Noooo---! It's so sad..!
The poor thing! Damn it!
Poor poor poor poor snail! I killed.. TWO! TWO! Wait.. Was that the same one? This morning was a bad omen. The first thing that I did as I walked out the door was step on a snail, cracking it's shell. Depressing. "shit shit shit! Ah um..-- um..-" And I leave it as it is, because I don't have time, I'm going to be late to school.
Now I was just weed-whacking, and when I brought the weed-whacker back, I saw that there was a snail that was bleeding its clear blood, without a shell, on the side of the stairs. I was horrified to see that it wasn't falling, and was still kinda moving. I was sad and grossed out, thinking I had probably hit it, cracking off the shell. Not being able to stare at it, just there, bleeding, I move it. I think to myself 'what's better.. die fast, or die slow? It won't survive anyway..' So I take it up gently with a gardening shovel, 'god, that must be painful..' and let a little bit of the drips of water wash it off, and decide to kill it. I dig a little hold, put it in, bury it.. Then jab at the dirt rapidly and continuously. I find no trace of the snail that was. T___T Wah.
So I'm going to write it a little paper grave. ... *sighs* Snails are nice! They don't hurt you! They're sweet, and have cute little beady eyes that bonk into things, with only little dots for pupils. They're cute.. *sniff* Bye, gotta pay my respects.
The poor thing! Damn it!
Poor poor poor poor snail! I killed.. TWO! TWO! Wait.. Was that the same one? This morning was a bad omen. The first thing that I did as I walked out the door was step on a snail, cracking it's shell. Depressing. "shit shit shit! Ah um..-- um..-" And I leave it as it is, because I don't have time, I'm going to be late to school.
Now I was just weed-whacking, and when I brought the weed-whacker back, I saw that there was a snail that was bleeding its clear blood, without a shell, on the side of the stairs. I was horrified to see that it wasn't falling, and was still kinda moving. I was sad and grossed out, thinking I had probably hit it, cracking off the shell. Not being able to stare at it, just there, bleeding, I move it. I think to myself 'what's better.. die fast, or die slow? It won't survive anyway..' So I take it up gently with a gardening shovel, 'god, that must be painful..' and let a little bit of the drips of water wash it off, and decide to kill it. I dig a little hold, put it in, bury it.. Then jab at the dirt rapidly and continuously. I find no trace of the snail that was. T___T Wah.
So I'm going to write it a little paper grave. ... *sighs* Snails are nice! They don't hurt you! They're sweet, and have cute little beady eyes that bonk into things, with only little dots for pupils. They're cute.. *sniff* Bye, gotta pay my respects.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Mm...
So what can I say. Here I am again, just bored, tired, not really wanting to do anything I should be doing..
I'm bored. Really really really bored. Tired, bored, weary-ish once again. Just the feeling you get, when you want to stay home and not do anything at all. I wish I could do that, I wish I wish I could. I really want to stay home. I really want to.
I want to talk. Anyone who'll listen. Hey, Nikhil, could you be there for your today, my tomorrow? I'm tired, and I miss talking to you. *laughs* Of course it's only been two days, but still. I can talk to you even when I'm half asleep, which is pretty good, because I tend to be pretty angsty when I'm half asleep, such as now. What do I have to do..? Think think think.
I have to do.. how many.. three more pages of notes. That's not too bad, because I can just fake that. Easy. Then.. A math test tomorrow. I'll do okay, as long as I don't screw everything up. I have a short presentation and a sort of visual/poster I need to have done. I'm tempted to sleep now, put it all off. But that's not a good idea. I'll finish writing my notes, I can at least do that. I don't need to be up here to do that. I already have notes to read through and copy down printed out. Mm.. Anything I'm forgetting? I think Tashibu wants us to translate that part to Japanese.. Hm. So...
1st - 8 pages of notes
2nd - 3 min presentation, opinion 1 page paper, poster thing
3rd - nothing
4th - nothing
5th - translate section to Japanese
6th - Math test
Man, if I look at it like that, it seems easy. Yet everything's harder now.. I don't know why. In middle school I'd finish everything, even if I worked into the night. Now I can hardly make myself get the willpower to do the assignments. I wish I hadn't picked up such a bad habit.. *sighs* Though stressful, it would be a lot better if it was still as it used to be. A pity..
Damn it, I'm feeling lonely. Kinda hopeless, lonely, worried, tired. You know. Lol.. Addicted, again and again and again. I get addicted to new found company. It leaves me feeling kinda hollow, seeing no email, no comments, no art, no nothing. Email is particularly distressful. No one emails me anymore, except for the random and occasional chain-letter. It kinda bothers me, being left idle like this. No satisfaction. I need something to do. .. Tired.. Time to write those notes.. I'll wake up at 4 AM again today, see if I can finish everything up.
I'm bored. Really really really bored. Tired, bored, weary-ish once again. Just the feeling you get, when you want to stay home and not do anything at all. I wish I could do that, I wish I wish I could. I really want to stay home. I really want to.
I want to talk. Anyone who'll listen. Hey, Nikhil, could you be there for your today, my tomorrow? I'm tired, and I miss talking to you. *laughs* Of course it's only been two days, but still. I can talk to you even when I'm half asleep, which is pretty good, because I tend to be pretty angsty when I'm half asleep, such as now. What do I have to do..? Think think think.
I have to do.. how many.. three more pages of notes. That's not too bad, because I can just fake that. Easy. Then.. A math test tomorrow. I'll do okay, as long as I don't screw everything up. I have a short presentation and a sort of visual/poster I need to have done. I'm tempted to sleep now, put it all off. But that's not a good idea. I'll finish writing my notes, I can at least do that. I don't need to be up here to do that. I already have notes to read through and copy down printed out. Mm.. Anything I'm forgetting? I think Tashibu wants us to translate that part to Japanese.. Hm. So...
1st - 8 pages of notes
2nd - 3 min presentation, opinion 1 page paper, poster thing
3rd - nothing
4th - nothing
5th - translate section to Japanese
6th - Math test
Man, if I look at it like that, it seems easy. Yet everything's harder now.. I don't know why. In middle school I'd finish everything, even if I worked into the night. Now I can hardly make myself get the willpower to do the assignments. I wish I hadn't picked up such a bad habit.. *sighs* Though stressful, it would be a lot better if it was still as it used to be. A pity..
Damn it, I'm feeling lonely. Kinda hopeless, lonely, worried, tired. You know. Lol.. Addicted, again and again and again. I get addicted to new found company. It leaves me feeling kinda hollow, seeing no email, no comments, no art, no nothing. Email is particularly distressful. No one emails me anymore, except for the random and occasional chain-letter. It kinda bothers me, being left idle like this. No satisfaction. I need something to do. .. Tired.. Time to write those notes.. I'll wake up at 4 AM again today, see if I can finish everything up.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Random.
As I hold Dobby close, I hear a whispering through my ears, like wind through trees, like a winter breeze.. Never grow up.. Never grow old.. Forever a child It rings through my head, and I keep Dobby close.
Inspiration fills me, to write strange poetry, poetry with beauty and detail, in such an original form. Poetic ramblings of toothpaste foamed spit hitting the porcelain white sink, make the simplist things seem beatiful, suddenly a goal.
I run fingers across my left hand, and something feels missing. The ring, as if I had just been wearing it, I can feel it's absense, absense of the closure around my left ring finger. Around my neck rests a necklace, but an unfamiliar one, not the right one, not the round locket I had once refused to ever take off, for more than five months. Absent..
Description, side affects of procrastination fills me. A restless energy, easily irritated.
"Your dog's dead. It's motionless, I don't hear a heartbeat"
"Well I can hear it"
"You can't hear me with your headphones, yet you can hear Dobby's heartbeat?"
"Dobby has a big heart" *laughs*
--
*sighs* Sunday makes me sad.. My inspiration fades and I'm left with an empty, fearful feeling. A feeling of chance, risk, worry worry worry. Worry for all I've forgotten, all the mistakes, all that will come tomorrow. Mondays scare me. Sundays sadden me.
April 17th - I sit and watch the soft spirals and breath in deeply, watching as the smoke seeps up back towards the ceiling, dipping down occasionally to twist around the light of the lamp. I sigh, rearranging my fingers on the typewriter, trying to adjust again to a different way of writing. I watch now, as the incense burns down, the purple streaming down into a red-hot glowing grey, like an hourglass slowly dripping the seconds.. I stare at two pale hands, well kept, an amethyst ring on the left ring finger. A pale amethyst, well fitted with pale fingers. Violet, lilac, nearly clear.. Like water, touched with a drop of purple dye, hardly visible. The amethyst is round, and is set in by itself, held in by gold, sitting among what looks to be roots, or even fingers. Simple soft hands rest, almost awkwardly, against the black keys.. And a faint glitter touches the fingertips.
Inspiration fills me, to write strange poetry, poetry with beauty and detail, in such an original form. Poetic ramblings of toothpaste foamed spit hitting the porcelain white sink, make the simplist things seem beatiful, suddenly a goal.
I run fingers across my left hand, and something feels missing. The ring, as if I had just been wearing it, I can feel it's absense, absense of the closure around my left ring finger. Around my neck rests a necklace, but an unfamiliar one, not the right one, not the round locket I had once refused to ever take off, for more than five months. Absent..
Description, side affects of procrastination fills me. A restless energy, easily irritated.
"Your dog's dead. It's motionless, I don't hear a heartbeat"
"Well I can hear it"
"You can't hear me with your headphones, yet you can hear Dobby's heartbeat?"
"Dobby has a big heart" *laughs*
--
*sighs* Sunday makes me sad.. My inspiration fades and I'm left with an empty, fearful feeling. A feeling of chance, risk, worry worry worry. Worry for all I've forgotten, all the mistakes, all that will come tomorrow. Mondays scare me. Sundays sadden me.
April 17th - I sit and watch the soft spirals and breath in deeply, watching as the smoke seeps up back towards the ceiling, dipping down occasionally to twist around the light of the lamp. I sigh, rearranging my fingers on the typewriter, trying to adjust again to a different way of writing. I watch now, as the incense burns down, the purple streaming down into a red-hot glowing grey, like an hourglass slowly dripping the seconds.. I stare at two pale hands, well kept, an amethyst ring on the left ring finger. A pale amethyst, well fitted with pale fingers. Violet, lilac, nearly clear.. Like water, touched with a drop of purple dye, hardly visible. The amethyst is round, and is set in by itself, held in by gold, sitting among what looks to be roots, or even fingers. Simple soft hands rest, almost awkwardly, against the black keys.. And a faint glitter touches the fingertips.
Help for Help
I like helping people. I don't know why. But I have a need to help people, just need to. I've found one person, so I'll put all my energy into helping them (them as in 'he/she/it'). I don't find much satisfaction in life, not at all, but I've found that the one thing that makes me feel good is to help people. To help anyone.. It keeps me going, it gives me a feeling of worth. Sometimes, when you feel that everything is wrong, all you do, all you say.. it saves you to help someone. When you need help, it feels best to help someone else. In the meantime, they can help you, too. Simply helping others saves me, so they don't even have to pay me back, just helping them makes me feel better.
Tell me your secrets, tell me your worries, tell me all you hide inside.. Tell me what you're afraid to tell everyone else, I'll listen, I'll be there, I won't be shocked. Anyone, everyone, someone. I want to save the world, haha. Or, at least save the world for one or two.
"If I ever grow up I will take care of the old, and all the babies that have no one. You might think I give myself too much credit, but I am just dreaming. 'Cause not much is sacred, there's not really much to do here anymore. --- I will assure all of the husbands who are guilty and the wives who feel useless. I will nurse all of the black and blue babies with their unhappy parents who had unhappy parents. I will assure all of the boys who feel awkward and the girls who feel clumsy. I will walk alongside the old man who feels so alone as everyone rushes by him. You might think I give myself too much credit, but I am just dreaming."
The problem is, no one asks for help, let alone from me. I'm the quiet one, mostly. So I've got to get out there and drop into people's lives. *chuckles* I wish someone would ask me for help, I want to help. When your conscience eats you alive for every mistake you've ever made, every harsh word, every slip.. You need something to counteract, you need something to calm the 'all I can do is bad' feeling you sometimes get.
"Tonight's the night of the flight, before you know I'll be over the water like a swallow. There's no risk, I'll whisk them up there in no moonlight. All though pigs can fly, they'll never find us. Posing as the night, and I'm home before the morning. Give me a break, Ooh let me try, give me something to show for my miserable life. Give me something to take. Would you break even my wings, just like a swallow, let me go, let me go."
I love that part of the song. The Night of the Swallow, Kate Bush.
---
I sit here, a bit slumped over. Another day in the world, another year, hard to bare. Rain plumets from the sky, and everything is a bit darkened. 6:31, Sunday. I hate Sundays. I look toward the right and see on mom’s desk a vase of wilted roses and flowers. My gloves are unraveling... The cut fingertips of the gloves grow shorter than each other, as loose threads are tugged at by my restless hands. Looking up to the left, I can see my kitty laying on the filecabinent, looking to be taking a nap. Some of that papers stick out, half off the cabinet. Tiredly I sit here, remembering how I tresure these ocational descriptive entries, telling the future me of how I really am, really was. How I’ve changed. The last time I read one of these, I was wearing nail polish, it was summer, and I was in love. In love with a pen pal, in love with someone who couldn’t accept me loving him. It was pain until the end, but it was love at the start. I was sitting there, waiting for him to come back. He was my first addiction, and now I think I’m a bit more wise, a bit more... Conscious of my habits, a bit more smart about it all. If I ever saw Michael again, I would be more careful. I wouldn’t be so addicted, I wouldn’t be so crazy. Love fades and realization of the mistakes and foolishness is awakened. But, I won’t ever see him again, so that’s something to give up on. I’d hope that in three years I’d hear from him, sometime.. Why..? I don’t know. I just find it pathetic that I can’t even be friends with him without hurting that silly emo kid. Sweet weakling emo kid, I like him anyway. Sweet and pathetic, sweet and someone I wish I could save. I couldn’t help you. I wish I could meet him again someday, without the love, with the memories, but without the pain, without the mistakes, without the lovely misunderstandings and foolishness. I’d love to meet again, someday. But it’s his choice, and he forgets me if he wishes to, and I’m fine with it. Maybe I’d wish to never see him again, but I don’t even know. Only time tells, and with time wounds heal. Would I want to reopen the scars?
I’m trying to save ----. She cuts, she drinks, she hurts. She smokes. Dear ----, can I save you? Can I help you? She’s my friend, she’s a kind person. She needs help, she wrote it in her journal, I saw. I’ll help you until your safe at the other side, when you’re gone. Gone away, she’s moving away to live alone with a relative, where she’ll be loved, she’ll be better and be able to find herself and find relief from her pain. For now I’ll do all I can to help her. Sometimes I wonder, am I doing it for her, or for myself? Though for no reason, I ache from all I do wrong, and the only relief I find is by helping others... So I sometimes wonder if it’s selfish. Yet.. Is it bad to selfishly help others? Is there such a thing as being selfish by helping others?
I’m sitting here still, just sitting, dozing a bit. I want to envision arms, again. Comfort. I look again at a favorite picture, Frolicking by *kmyu.. Makes me want to frolick too. Run around the city, frolick around. It would be.. fun.. oh no.. we forgot..! I was supposed to go around as a box-head today. Do you know.. what I mean? I made a face on a box, and I wear the box on my head and it looks like I’m a box person. It’s really funny. I wanted to go around town wearing a box head, it would be a good laugh. Darn.. Mom said she’d take me today.. It’s too bad.
--
Done.
Tell me your secrets, tell me your worries, tell me all you hide inside.. Tell me what you're afraid to tell everyone else, I'll listen, I'll be there, I won't be shocked. Anyone, everyone, someone. I want to save the world, haha. Or, at least save the world for one or two.
"If I ever grow up I will take care of the old, and all the babies that have no one. You might think I give myself too much credit, but I am just dreaming. 'Cause not much is sacred, there's not really much to do here anymore. --- I will assure all of the husbands who are guilty and the wives who feel useless. I will nurse all of the black and blue babies with their unhappy parents who had unhappy parents. I will assure all of the boys who feel awkward and the girls who feel clumsy. I will walk alongside the old man who feels so alone as everyone rushes by him. You might think I give myself too much credit, but I am just dreaming."
The problem is, no one asks for help, let alone from me. I'm the quiet one, mostly. So I've got to get out there and drop into people's lives. *chuckles* I wish someone would ask me for help, I want to help. When your conscience eats you alive for every mistake you've ever made, every harsh word, every slip.. You need something to counteract, you need something to calm the 'all I can do is bad' feeling you sometimes get.
"Tonight's the night of the flight, before you know I'll be over the water like a swallow. There's no risk, I'll whisk them up there in no moonlight. All though pigs can fly, they'll never find us. Posing as the night, and I'm home before the morning. Give me a break, Ooh let me try, give me something to show for my miserable life. Give me something to take. Would you break even my wings, just like a swallow, let me go, let me go."
I love that part of the song. The Night of the Swallow, Kate Bush.
---
I sit here, a bit slumped over. Another day in the world, another year, hard to bare. Rain plumets from the sky, and everything is a bit darkened. 6:31, Sunday. I hate Sundays. I look toward the right and see on mom’s desk a vase of wilted roses and flowers. My gloves are unraveling... The cut fingertips of the gloves grow shorter than each other, as loose threads are tugged at by my restless hands. Looking up to the left, I can see my kitty laying on the filecabinent, looking to be taking a nap. Some of that papers stick out, half off the cabinet. Tiredly I sit here, remembering how I tresure these ocational descriptive entries, telling the future me of how I really am, really was. How I’ve changed. The last time I read one of these, I was wearing nail polish, it was summer, and I was in love. In love with a pen pal, in love with someone who couldn’t accept me loving him. It was pain until the end, but it was love at the start. I was sitting there, waiting for him to come back. He was my first addiction, and now I think I’m a bit more wise, a bit more... Conscious of my habits, a bit more smart about it all. If I ever saw Michael again, I would be more careful. I wouldn’t be so addicted, I wouldn’t be so crazy. Love fades and realization of the mistakes and foolishness is awakened. But, I won’t ever see him again, so that’s something to give up on. I’d hope that in three years I’d hear from him, sometime.. Why..? I don’t know. I just find it pathetic that I can’t even be friends with him without hurting that silly emo kid. Sweet weakling emo kid, I like him anyway. Sweet and pathetic, sweet and someone I wish I could save. I couldn’t help you. I wish I could meet him again someday, without the love, with the memories, but without the pain, without the mistakes, without the lovely misunderstandings and foolishness. I’d love to meet again, someday. But it’s his choice, and he forgets me if he wishes to, and I’m fine with it. Maybe I’d wish to never see him again, but I don’t even know. Only time tells, and with time wounds heal. Would I want to reopen the scars?
I’m trying to save ----. She cuts, she drinks, she hurts. She smokes. Dear ----, can I save you? Can I help you? She’s my friend, she’s a kind person. She needs help, she wrote it in her journal, I saw. I’ll help you until your safe at the other side, when you’re gone. Gone away, she’s moving away to live alone with a relative, where she’ll be loved, she’ll be better and be able to find herself and find relief from her pain. For now I’ll do all I can to help her. Sometimes I wonder, am I doing it for her, or for myself? Though for no reason, I ache from all I do wrong, and the only relief I find is by helping others... So I sometimes wonder if it’s selfish. Yet.. Is it bad to selfishly help others? Is there such a thing as being selfish by helping others?
I’m sitting here still, just sitting, dozing a bit. I want to envision arms, again. Comfort. I look again at a favorite picture, Frolicking by *kmyu.. Makes me want to frolick too. Run around the city, frolick around. It would be.. fun.. oh no.. we forgot..! I was supposed to go around as a box-head today. Do you know.. what I mean? I made a face on a box, and I wear the box on my head and it looks like I’m a box person. It’s really funny. I wanted to go around town wearing a box head, it would be a good laugh. Darn.. Mom said she’d take me today.. It’s too bad.
--
Done.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Down by the Sea (story)
Awakening from her doze, she sits up and rests pale hands in her lap, focusing again at the beach below and the rocks, slippery wet from crashing waves. Salt water mist occasionally reaches her perch, leaving the taste of salt on her lips, which she bites on contently, deep in thought. For hours and hours, she sits here, watching the sun set as she ponders her dreams and memories, watching the warmth of the sun fade into the horizon, below the water. The ocean spray dampens her hair, though she sits so high up on the edge of the cliff, the mist still floats up to touch her face and bare feet, as the waves crash down on the rocks, against the side of the cliff. The rush and sounds awaken the dozed girl, and she falls back and forth between her thoughts, receding and drawing forward like the tide. She scoots back a bit, hands pushing herself backward towards the more solid ground, brushing against patches of grass and loose dirt. Running fingers through her wet hair, she lies back, pulling her journal closer, that had been resting besides her. Out of habit, she uses a feather quill, and opens her journal to scrawl a few words. Scratches and runs her ink across the page, words of thoughts and what haunts her now.
Sun disappearing beyond the horizon, the world falls asleep, but beyond the shadow the sun still shines. With light always comes darkness, only the shadow is the dark. No shadows come without light..
Her feather brushes against her lips, and she ponders for anymore words that come to mind. The sun is steadily falling towards the ocean, and she watches as it hits the water, reflecting the ocean and clouds around it. Pink orange and purple spread across the sky, and the sun turns into merely a sliver of light, as she stares intently with half-open eyes. As the reflections and light slowly fades, she sits up and pulls herself up to her feet, slipping on sandals and picking up her journal, ink and quills. Sleepily smiles as she walks back to the house, opening the creaky screen door and turning the doorknob to enter. Takes off her sandals once again upon entering, and shuffles through the room's soft carpet, plopping down upon the soft over-stuffed couch with a exhausted smile. Almost falls asleep there, in the welcoming warmth of the fireplace, and the sound of wind rustling the trees quietly, and making music of the windchimes. She opens her eyes again at a noise from the kitchen, and smiles up at her mother's form in her sleep-blurred eyes. Her mother chuckles and shakes her head, mumbling "Sleepy head!" as she walks past, bending down to retrieve Dobby from beneath the coffee table, setting it in her daughter's arms...
Sun disappearing beyond the horizon, the world falls asleep, but beyond the shadow the sun still shines. With light always comes darkness, only the shadow is the dark. No shadows come without light..
Her feather brushes against her lips, and she ponders for anymore words that come to mind. The sun is steadily falling towards the ocean, and she watches as it hits the water, reflecting the ocean and clouds around it. Pink orange and purple spread across the sky, and the sun turns into merely a sliver of light, as she stares intently with half-open eyes. As the reflections and light slowly fades, she sits up and pulls herself up to her feet, slipping on sandals and picking up her journal, ink and quills. Sleepily smiles as she walks back to the house, opening the creaky screen door and turning the doorknob to enter. Takes off her sandals once again upon entering, and shuffles through the room's soft carpet, plopping down upon the soft over-stuffed couch with a exhausted smile. Almost falls asleep there, in the welcoming warmth of the fireplace, and the sound of wind rustling the trees quietly, and making music of the windchimes. She opens her eyes again at a noise from the kitchen, and smiles up at her mother's form in her sleep-blurred eyes. Her mother chuckles and shakes her head, mumbling "Sleepy head!" as she walks past, bending down to retrieve Dobby from beneath the coffee table, setting it in her daughter's arms...
Friday, May 06, 2005
Allow me To Ramble
Rambling dreamer needs to ramble.
*sighs* I'm tired.. Reading that, I think to myself, 'no I'm not, you bastard', but I guess I am. Over. It. *laughs* It's weird. I'll say I am, and then if he says it, I'll be like 'hell no!' Hell no because I'll never forget, I'll never be able to erase the feeling and memory. So I never will be, but enough to move on. Pisses me off when he says that, though. I don't talk to him, but I have a habit of watching that I can't dismiss. Loved you, hate you, love you still, hate you still, it's amazing how you never make up your mind.
I'm tired tired tired. I want to ramble, though. I want to write forever and ever and ever. I don't know where the urge comes from, but I feel like I need it. Spill thoughts over, overflowing. But, I'm blank. Yet I can make stories out of air, out of the emptiness, pull it out like Houdini. Fwoosh. I can make my magic. My magic with words, that will soon leave you wondering.. Does she have something up her sleeves? How does she do it? Hiding muses, hints, how does she ramble with out even having a subject? :)
I--.. can't help it! Fooking--.. *laughs* Mayre Mayre Mayre.. I have to quote you every time.
Blush and I go numb, feel sick and overwhelmed. Tingling skin and bite my lips, hands go cold. Shudder, shiver, cool breeze through the window. Flattery in the midst of all the hatred. Not like it's a good thing, I didn't leave the best of marks. Wish I'd never met you. At least then I wouldn't have a lingering sense of 'what if...'
And I can't help but smile. "Memory of confused flattery brings me to...--"
I can't help it, I just can't. La la la. Please ignore it all, pretend you don't understand what I'm talking about.
---
Why can't I write anything.. good? All I write is crap like this. Things that make no sense, have no point, and are completely useless... *sigh* Darn it, I'm going to fail at being an author, at this rate. If I ever become one, look for my name, buy my books! I need food! Hahaha... I'll be a starving author, a starving artist, a solitary hermit. That's my prediction. I'll fail but someone will see something in it all, or I'll figure out how to write books. We'll see, won't we? I'll go under Hemingway, okay? I'll be Tanya Hemingway. A pen name? It's because I like my Hemingway roots better than my real last name. Hemingway is my middle name, and I just prefer being related to my laughing, happy, artistic family instead of my smart, christian rooted ones. I don't know them as well as my Hemingway relatives. But then they might think I'm kinda a arrogant author who wants to be under a famous name.. I'm not sure. I'd have to be careful.
What can I tell you? I need damned inspiration. What besides junk can I give you? Looking at pictures, I could make stories. But no one would like to hear it. Well, hell, my blog! So why should I care..? I can write what I want. I'm not here for ratings.
I need to describe things. Shut up and don't tell me if it bores you. ^___^ Sorry, I'm being rude. I don't know why. I guess grumpy.. I'M NOT HOLDING BACK. DON'T BOTHER ME ABOUT WHAT I SAY. I don't care if you're sick of it. *bows*
--
Gf? Did you really subconsciously see me that way? I remember I asked you, but you said you couldn't, that it was too early to decide. Half rejection, but kindly, and I accepted it. A big deal out of nothing, at first. Sorry that I made it awkward. *laughs* I always manage to. I never thought I'd ask anyone.. Man, even now.. Just the sound of that, it doesn't sound like me! Me, with a boyfriend?? NEVER! Even though I always wanted one. But I'm thinking, no way will I ever have one. It doesn't fit me, think of Tanya. She's sitting there, silent, turning red from the stuttering mess she just made of her presentation. Hands shaking, staring off into space. She looks nervously at you, glancing away and around, like prey of everyone's harsh words. Shakes her head and rests her chin on her hands, embarrassed. The Tanya who doesn't know any guys in person, except for one talkative oddball. Tanya will not have a boyfriend. So I think back, and I see from a different perspective, and I know it'd never be. Even so, it would clash terribly with my personality. I'm the loner, the silent one. Well, I see myself this way. Maybe I'm all laughs and smiles. What if I am? I don't even know, anymore. Look at me, friends, peers, what do you see? I can't see through eyes that aren't my own. My friends, whenever they're near, I'm either studying, half asleep, or smiling. Chuckle, laugh, smile, ask how they're doing. So maybe they see me, based off that. I really wish I could switch bodies, just for a day.. So I can know exactly how some people see. I want to know how it is. I see even my sad friend as happy, so maybe they see me as hyper. *laughs* Yeah right! Mayre said something about me always being cheerful.. Is that true..? I'm always worried, though. "Oh no.. I'm going to do terribly on this test.. *sigh*" "No you're not, it'll be fine" "I guess.." "Come on, you always do good!" "..." I'm glad Mayre's around, because my mind would fold into itself and I would die. *laughs* More, I'd be gloomy, and nervous. It's amazing how nice it can be to have hyper/odd friends. They really keep you from dragging your backpack, shuffling slowly down the hall with your head down.. A big wave, a smile, a laugh at your expressions, Mayre. You give me something to smile at, thank you.
Love to all my friends, you're all special to me.
Amanda.. You've had it hard, it seems. You're too kind for that. You've never said a harsh word to me, you've never shown any real strong hate or anger towards anyone or anything. Sweet friend, whom I often call my best friend. My 'supertwin', as inspired by the book Born Confused. She was the first person who I really could talk to, when I was alone. In fifth grade, wasn't it? She was even more quiet than me, but I talked to her. My dad would say "Amanda seems like a really nice person" and my choice of friends was smiled upon by him. Yes, she was one of my kindest friends. And still is. I'm hoping everyone's not giving her a hard time for not talking as much, because she's suffering. I don't even know why yet. But something's been happening, and I'm not going to force the answer out of her. But I need to ask, Amanda.. My most trustworthy, sweet, sincere friend. Perfect soul.
Sophie, goodness. "Oy ve.." I have to say, you're wonderful company. You've got some interesting stories, and amuse me at lunch time and during science class. Poor chinchilla.. It made me laugh, though. I love your personality, and your interests always make conversations funny. Thank you so much for sharing your chocolate, it's always perked me up, and I'm always happy to receive. *laughs* Oh, jeez, greedy.. But thank you. It's such fun to hear you talk of the movies, the chinchilla, diseases, school lunch, murder. Always makes me grin. Innocent fun of such serious subjects.. I'm not sure if school lunch counts.
Annamarie, it was funny when we met. Elementary school, was it? Fourth grade, or something? I remember, you were really tall. I thought you were a fifth grader, if not older. You were the first to get to your approximate permanent 8th grade height. How did it happen? I think it left an imprint in my mind. I was playing by myself, as usual. My best friend had just moved to New Mexico, and so I was back to being by myself. I was tracing the painted lines on the cement with my feet, treating it as a tightrope, I balance. Or maybe I was playing hopscotch, or just sitting, making formations with the loose gravel. I remember that the security/watching staff walked up to me, and you were there too. Didn't she say, "This is a new student, could you play with her and introduce her to people?" I think I nodded, and then talked to you. I found that you were my age, to my surprise. It's funny, isn't it? You'd always have those pool-parties and themes. What is it this time, chocolate, karaoke? It sounds like fun. I'll see you at the Neptune tomorrow, it'll be fun to see a movie with everyone.. How many, ten?
Nick, go away! *laughs* You really are a pain, the way you follow us around. You're a decent person, I admit. But you've got to stop with the hint hints, and the sex-jokes. Enough is enough. It makes me lose my appetite. Though you have a lack of humor, and everyone scoots away from you when you sit at our table, you're an alright person. I know because if you sit alone with me, you don't bother me. I think you do the whole thing for the expression, reaction. I tend not to have a reaction, besides chuckling and shaking my head, as I glance up from my papers, so you crack less jokes. I think you have fun with all of us being like "ewww!" and wanting to throw apples and carrots at you. Though annoying, I acknowledge your existence. Just learn to stop the jokes, before I throw something at you too. And do you not have any friends? Do you have to sit with us?
I'll continue my thank yous to friends later.
*sighs* I'm tired.. Reading that, I think to myself, 'no I'm not, you bastard', but I guess I am. Over. It. *laughs* It's weird. I'll say I am, and then if he says it, I'll be like 'hell no!' Hell no because I'll never forget, I'll never be able to erase the feeling and memory. So I never will be, but enough to move on. Pisses me off when he says that, though. I don't talk to him, but I have a habit of watching that I can't dismiss. Loved you, hate you, love you still, hate you still, it's amazing how you never make up your mind.
I'm tired tired tired. I want to ramble, though. I want to write forever and ever and ever. I don't know where the urge comes from, but I feel like I need it. Spill thoughts over, overflowing. But, I'm blank. Yet I can make stories out of air, out of the emptiness, pull it out like Houdini. Fwoosh. I can make my magic. My magic with words, that will soon leave you wondering.. Does she have something up her sleeves? How does she do it? Hiding muses, hints, how does she ramble with out even having a subject? :)
I--.. can't help it! Fooking--.. *laughs* Mayre Mayre Mayre.. I have to quote you every time.
Blush and I go numb, feel sick and overwhelmed. Tingling skin and bite my lips, hands go cold. Shudder, shiver, cool breeze through the window. Flattery in the midst of all the hatred. Not like it's a good thing, I didn't leave the best of marks. Wish I'd never met you. At least then I wouldn't have a lingering sense of 'what if...'
And I can't help but smile. "Memory of confused flattery brings me to...--"
I can't help it, I just can't. La la la. Please ignore it all, pretend you don't understand what I'm talking about.
---
Why can't I write anything.. good? All I write is crap like this. Things that make no sense, have no point, and are completely useless... *sigh* Darn it, I'm going to fail at being an author, at this rate. If I ever become one, look for my name, buy my books! I need food! Hahaha... I'll be a starving author, a starving artist, a solitary hermit. That's my prediction. I'll fail but someone will see something in it all, or I'll figure out how to write books. We'll see, won't we? I'll go under Hemingway, okay? I'll be Tanya Hemingway. A pen name? It's because I like my Hemingway roots better than my real last name. Hemingway is my middle name, and I just prefer being related to my laughing, happy, artistic family instead of my smart, christian rooted ones. I don't know them as well as my Hemingway relatives. But then they might think I'm kinda a arrogant author who wants to be under a famous name.. I'm not sure. I'd have to be careful.
What can I tell you? I need damned inspiration. What besides junk can I give you? Looking at pictures, I could make stories. But no one would like to hear it. Well, hell, my blog! So why should I care..? I can write what I want. I'm not here for ratings.
I need to describe things. Shut up and don't tell me if it bores you. ^___^ Sorry, I'm being rude. I don't know why. I guess grumpy.. I'M NOT HOLDING BACK. DON'T BOTHER ME ABOUT WHAT I SAY. I don't care if you're sick of it. *bows*
--
Gf? Did you really subconsciously see me that way? I remember I asked you, but you said you couldn't, that it was too early to decide. Half rejection, but kindly, and I accepted it. A big deal out of nothing, at first. Sorry that I made it awkward. *laughs* I always manage to. I never thought I'd ask anyone.. Man, even now.. Just the sound of that, it doesn't sound like me! Me, with a boyfriend?? NEVER! Even though I always wanted one. But I'm thinking, no way will I ever have one. It doesn't fit me, think of Tanya. She's sitting there, silent, turning red from the stuttering mess she just made of her presentation. Hands shaking, staring off into space. She looks nervously at you, glancing away and around, like prey of everyone's harsh words. Shakes her head and rests her chin on her hands, embarrassed. The Tanya who doesn't know any guys in person, except for one talkative oddball. Tanya will not have a boyfriend. So I think back, and I see from a different perspective, and I know it'd never be. Even so, it would clash terribly with my personality. I'm the loner, the silent one. Well, I see myself this way. Maybe I'm all laughs and smiles. What if I am? I don't even know, anymore. Look at me, friends, peers, what do you see? I can't see through eyes that aren't my own. My friends, whenever they're near, I'm either studying, half asleep, or smiling. Chuckle, laugh, smile, ask how they're doing. So maybe they see me, based off that. I really wish I could switch bodies, just for a day.. So I can know exactly how some people see. I want to know how it is. I see even my sad friend as happy, so maybe they see me as hyper. *laughs* Yeah right! Mayre said something about me always being cheerful.. Is that true..? I'm always worried, though. "Oh no.. I'm going to do terribly on this test.. *sigh*" "No you're not, it'll be fine" "I guess.." "Come on, you always do good!" "..." I'm glad Mayre's around, because my mind would fold into itself and I would die. *laughs* More, I'd be gloomy, and nervous. It's amazing how nice it can be to have hyper/odd friends. They really keep you from dragging your backpack, shuffling slowly down the hall with your head down.. A big wave, a smile, a laugh at your expressions, Mayre. You give me something to smile at, thank you.
Love to all my friends, you're all special to me.
Amanda.. You've had it hard, it seems. You're too kind for that. You've never said a harsh word to me, you've never shown any real strong hate or anger towards anyone or anything. Sweet friend, whom I often call my best friend. My 'supertwin', as inspired by the book Born Confused. She was the first person who I really could talk to, when I was alone. In fifth grade, wasn't it? She was even more quiet than me, but I talked to her. My dad would say "Amanda seems like a really nice person" and my choice of friends was smiled upon by him. Yes, she was one of my kindest friends. And still is. I'm hoping everyone's not giving her a hard time for not talking as much, because she's suffering. I don't even know why yet. But something's been happening, and I'm not going to force the answer out of her. But I need to ask, Amanda.. My most trustworthy, sweet, sincere friend. Perfect soul.
Sophie, goodness. "Oy ve.." I have to say, you're wonderful company. You've got some interesting stories, and amuse me at lunch time and during science class. Poor chinchilla.. It made me laugh, though. I love your personality, and your interests always make conversations funny. Thank you so much for sharing your chocolate, it's always perked me up, and I'm always happy to receive. *laughs* Oh, jeez, greedy.. But thank you. It's such fun to hear you talk of the movies, the chinchilla, diseases, school lunch, murder. Always makes me grin. Innocent fun of such serious subjects.. I'm not sure if school lunch counts.
Annamarie, it was funny when we met. Elementary school, was it? Fourth grade, or something? I remember, you were really tall. I thought you were a fifth grader, if not older. You were the first to get to your approximate permanent 8th grade height. How did it happen? I think it left an imprint in my mind. I was playing by myself, as usual. My best friend had just moved to New Mexico, and so I was back to being by myself. I was tracing the painted lines on the cement with my feet, treating it as a tightrope, I balance. Or maybe I was playing hopscotch, or just sitting, making formations with the loose gravel. I remember that the security/watching staff walked up to me, and you were there too. Didn't she say, "This is a new student, could you play with her and introduce her to people?" I think I nodded, and then talked to you. I found that you were my age, to my surprise. It's funny, isn't it? You'd always have those pool-parties and themes. What is it this time, chocolate, karaoke? It sounds like fun. I'll see you at the Neptune tomorrow, it'll be fun to see a movie with everyone.. How many, ten?
Nick, go away! *laughs* You really are a pain, the way you follow us around. You're a decent person, I admit. But you've got to stop with the hint hints, and the sex-jokes. Enough is enough. It makes me lose my appetite. Though you have a lack of humor, and everyone scoots away from you when you sit at our table, you're an alright person. I know because if you sit alone with me, you don't bother me. I think you do the whole thing for the expression, reaction. I tend not to have a reaction, besides chuckling and shaking my head, as I glance up from my papers, so you crack less jokes. I think you have fun with all of us being like "ewww!" and wanting to throw apples and carrots at you. Though annoying, I acknowledge your existence. Just learn to stop the jokes, before I throw something at you too. And do you not have any friends? Do you have to sit with us?
I'll continue my thank yous to friends later.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
A Bit of a Terrible Day
Today was bad. Quite. I spent the entire day pondering how I would get the hell out of there, how I could ditch or find a way to get home, from school.
Maybe if I threw up. Maybe if I ran. Maybe if I borrowed fifty cents, and came home on the bus, saying I felt sick. Maybe if I went off campus with Mayre. My first four hours were spent, thinking of how I might be able to skip.
I'll read you what I wrote all over my paper, because I don't want to explain in detail. It was the worst I had ever done.
"Faiil. You lucky skilled people. Kuso-- over. Relax. Don't think. Well, think of it this way. NO ONE will do worse! Hurray! I took the honor of erasing everyone's worries of doing terribly. Oh well. Smile. It's over. Started fine, ended bad. Oh oops. Got psyched out. Self-destruct! Eeee-- damn. I screwed it all up! Oh damn. Mission failed. S-s-s-s-shaky s-s-stuttery s-shit! Headache. Oh crap."
"I'm suffering from post-failure stress. To the extreme. Fu----ck! Nonono! The pain! I wanna go home. Can I go home, please? I want to ditch. Take a bus away from here. Now! Let's go! Gyah! Bad bad bad. Heeeadache. I just made a fool of myself. Worst presentation ever. Going numb. My head hurts. Can I faint, or throw up, so I can go home? Pleeease? If I ditched, mom would kill me. Stay, school kills me. I'd rather ditch. But I don't have the change."
I'm going to smile and forget today, and tell you of something else... Well, I don't have time. Later.
---
Maybe if I threw up. Maybe if I ran. Maybe if I borrowed fifty cents, and came home on the bus, saying I felt sick. Maybe if I went off campus with Mayre. My first four hours were spent, thinking of how I might be able to skip.
I'll read you what I wrote all over my paper, because I don't want to explain in detail. It was the worst I had ever done.
"Faiil. You lucky skilled people. Kuso-- over. Relax. Don't think. Well, think of it this way. NO ONE will do worse! Hurray! I took the honor of erasing everyone's worries of doing terribly. Oh well. Smile. It's over. Started fine, ended bad. Oh oops. Got psyched out. Self-destruct! Eeee-- damn. I screwed it all up! Oh damn. Mission failed. S-s-s-s-shaky s-s-stuttery s-shit! Headache. Oh crap."
"I'm suffering from post-failure stress. To the extreme. Fu----ck! Nonono! The pain! I wanna go home. Can I go home, please? I want to ditch. Take a bus away from here. Now! Let's go! Gyah! Bad bad bad. Heeeadache. I just made a fool of myself. Worst presentation ever. Going numb. My head hurts. Can I faint, or throw up, so I can go home? Pleeease? If I ditched, mom would kill me. Stay, school kills me. I'd rather ditch. But I don't have the change."
I'm going to smile and forget today, and tell you of something else... Well, I don't have time. Later.
---
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