Gloom

*sighs*
I feel sick of whining on my blog, which some people read, so I'll whine on this blog. (I changed my mind, so it's now posted here too)

I think the fact that I feel sweaty dirty and hot (that sounds wrong, shut the hell up) makes me ten times more prone to depressed thoughts. Because I feel disgusted at myself and sad and very very god damn lonely. I hate it with all my heart.
Shut up shut up. I don't want a word out of any one of you.. Wait, I do. I just feel like saying shut up and banging my head on a desk and passing out and dreaming.

Dreaming sucks! Sucks sucks sucks. And not that dreaming, dreams of life. Dreams to meet, dreams of love and dreams of all the rest of that crap.
I feel.. just.. shitty. ........... .. .. shitty.
I need some clean clothes, for my *blank* to go away (he has a *blank* phobia, if he ever reads this), to take a shower, to wash my hands and face and to lay down and take a deep breath of something that smells good. Don't ask me why. I just feel all gross. Like when you get the flu and wear the same clothes for a week and you feel all sweaty and eeww. Hygiene is a blessing.

Oh yeah. I took my medication today. Well.. I feel shitty, and it's not the meds. I know it. Because it's not one of those, I feel like shit for no reason. I feel like shit because I miss the only one who seems to care!
Hasn't called, hasn't talked. I just feel betrayed. It makes me really sad.
We talked everyday.. So why is it not.. anymore..?
He promised he'd never disappear from my life, like everyone eventually does. He keeps his promises. He doesn't hold to his word, but promises he binds his soul to. So where is he..? If he disappears.. Oh I don't know what I'll do. Depression! A hell of a lot of that!

Alex is bothering me asking how my boyfriend is, I don't have a boyfriend. I have love, but no boyfriend. I find it ironic that he only asks me this, when I'm having a hell of a lot of trouble. Last time he asked it, I stopped talking to the last person I loved. Because he started to hate me terribly, so I promised to never speak to him again, unless he wanted me to. 70 days of nothing but sadness.

I don't want to deal with this again. Please, no. No no no. Dear god, not again.

My writing on my wall grows weary. It glows beneath the blacklight, telling each secret and shouting every fear in my pathetic mind. Ever dream every wish.

Why, I ask..? I question, why? Why do I love and never get loved back? Why am I always trying and hanging onto those who would never stay? Why do they throw out a heart so easily? Why am I so.. Attached to the only ones I care about? Why must I only care of few? Why must so few in the world seem like angels in the midst of sin?
...
Shiveers. My hands go cold and I can't think straight. Well, I can think straight, but my thoughts are.. .. Sad. haha, what do you expect.

Here I sit, my hair a mess and I could use a good shower. Haha, a bathrobe and clothes that I shouldn't have put on, as the pants were once clean and the shirt is one of comfort that I would have liked to wear later.
In front of me is an empty bag of truffles from yesterday, five wrappers of rich chocolate. I'm not fat, so it's funny. I should be? Maybe. But I rarely eat so much of it.

On my hand is the doodle of yesterday. A faded phone number, a drawing.

It's four.. It's four and not a word. I hate this! You said you'd be there at six yesterday.

A phone card is only a reminder. Should I call..? I'm afraid to pick up the phone, as always. That means the medication isn't working.

The phone rings. I don't think it's for me.
Nope, not.

Hehe, such crap. Amazing how I can be so angsty with the absence of one I'm so close to. I guess it's like Azu, he was all upset when his boyfriend was gone (yeah, he's gay). But he's not my boyfriend. Funny how it all gets to my head.
Distance and unknown is good enough of an excuse, and understandable. Don't be chained to promise with someone so far away, who you've never seen eye to eye.

I'll take a shower, and draw. Drawing will help me feel better..?
Yeah. I'll tell you if the shitty days ever end.

I felt like this all of the 70 days. I don't want this again..

*sigh* Curse my emotion.