Hi.
This will be my very last entry on this blog. ...
I will not delete it, as it's filled with memories of love heartbreak love and many wild mood swings and breakdowns that I'll laugh at in future times. Either that or it'll tell me how my teen years were, which I'll show to my little girl I may adopt someday? Who knows. But preserving my past and memories is very important to me.
Now, please note this.
If you still want to read my blog, or if you'd bookmarked it or enjoy looking at my random ramblings..
EMAIL ME!
Because.. This is not the end. I'm going to continue all this, somewhere else.
Why? Privacy. I have this linked too many places, and I have too many peeping relatives.
Mom stops me from writing about certain things for this reason, which I refuse to do..
This is my life, I can write about my life, and I refuse to hold anything back from anyone. I have no secrets.
Love you all, thank you for reading. Again, if you wish to continue reading, email me... Or a fan emaill, which I highly doubt, but if that ever happened, it'd crack me up.
My email is this-
goldengirl12@comcast.net
I've had that email since I was 12, don't think I'll be changing it ever, too many long lost friends have it, want to be able to be contacted.
Hugs to everyone, thanks to all who ever commented, especially Elizabeth for those comments on my lower days.
P.S. Relatives, why don't you ask me how I am instead of eavesdropping? It's not like I wouldn't email you. And this blog has little to do with how I really am, it's more observations of my life and all around me, and moody days..
With that, I bid you all, ex 'boyfriends', ex friends, ex aquaintences, relatives, friends, my love Weston, and strangers... A fond farewell.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Zuu...
I'm so tired these days. Take a nap everyday after school, sleep three hours, still is tired, do homework, sleep and wake up at 4:30 AM..
School is a bother. Takes a whole lot of energy. Quite bleh.
At least missing my bf gives me an excuse to be all cheesy romantic with him all the time when I do talk to him. Woot.
He'll be getting a night-shift job sometime soon to save up for his adventure, may not be able to talk to him as much. Pity.
But because of the delay of his adventure, I will indeed be seeing him in February for my birthday. That'll be fun. First time to see him.. I'm tired right now so I can't express my excitement for that, as my exhaustion takes over any enthusiasm at the overwhelming idea of how soon this is and all we'll do. Day before yesterday we had fun talking of that.
-
Haha aw...-wraps his arms around you, keeping you close- I'm sorry I can't be there
you will be soon enough :P
-nod- Yup and then you can hug me and kiss me and never let go if you don't want to :P
a good hour XDD
Haha
and we're a couple, whoooo o__o
lol noooo, really? XD
we're a couple I'm a part of o__o (that sounds really odd) XDDD
-Shakes head and laughs-
*laughing* we'll be that cute couple you see wandering around looking cute XD or weird
Or both
It's so much fun to be in love with someone as dorky as me ^___^
lol, it's a new one, I've never even dated someone who liked to act dorky
haha, amazing
But I've also never dated myself :P
I wonder if I'll be what you expect >__>
I'm sure you will be
then describe how I'll be? XD
From what it seems is at first you'll be shy and quiet and as time goes on you'll be giddy and dorky, you'll be a shy-er version of the person you are now, not to mention random as hell as time goes on :P
*nod nod* correct XD
I have no concerns of not liking you in person :)
--
Blah blah. :P I talk to him everyday course.
I'm so so so tired. Soore too. Running again tomorrow for weight training..
School is a bother. Takes a whole lot of energy. Quite bleh.
At least missing my bf gives me an excuse to be all cheesy romantic with him all the time when I do talk to him. Woot.
He'll be getting a night-shift job sometime soon to save up for his adventure, may not be able to talk to him as much. Pity.
But because of the delay of his adventure, I will indeed be seeing him in February for my birthday. That'll be fun. First time to see him.. I'm tired right now so I can't express my excitement for that, as my exhaustion takes over any enthusiasm at the overwhelming idea of how soon this is and all we'll do. Day before yesterday we had fun talking of that.
-
Haha aw...-wraps his arms around you, keeping you close- I'm sorry I can't be there
you will be soon enough :P
-nod- Yup and then you can hug me and kiss me and never let go if you don't want to :P
a good hour XDD
Haha
and we're a couple, whoooo o__o
lol noooo, really? XD
we're a couple I'm a part of o__o (that sounds really odd) XDDD
-Shakes head and laughs-
*laughing* we'll be that cute couple you see wandering around looking cute XD or weird
Or both
It's so much fun to be in love with someone as dorky as me ^___^
lol, it's a new one, I've never even dated someone who liked to act dorky
haha, amazing
But I've also never dated myself :P
I wonder if I'll be what you expect >__>
I'm sure you will be
then describe how I'll be? XD
From what it seems is at first you'll be shy and quiet and as time goes on you'll be giddy and dorky, you'll be a shy-er version of the person you are now, not to mention random as hell as time goes on :P
*nod nod* correct XD
I have no concerns of not liking you in person :)
--
Blah blah. :P I talk to him everyday course.
I'm so so so tired. Soore too. Running again tomorrow for weight training..
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Relief
Mmm...
About two days ago, Wess and I had our first fight..
I think we did a bit yesterday, or no.. I was being so very very careful and was afraid to say anything.
Today we fought a bit more. ...
----
You
Cannot
Help
My
Sleeping
Schedule
It
Is
OUT
Of
Your
Hands
would you please stop it?
And if it means THAT much to you that I get on one, I'll agree to the sleeping pills
fuck no
Yes because nothing else is going to work apparently because I always get side tracked and back onto a crap schedule
So yeah
stop. it.
The sleep thing will be taken care of
stop stop stop stop.
I'm not doing anything....my mom mentioned them to me weeks ago: "Maybe we should try sleep medication" "Yeah, I think so too"
stop talking like this.
What?
stop.
XD I'm not doing anything Tanya
you're treating me like I'm stupid.
.....
look at it, will you? you
are
talking
like
this
and
acting
like
I'm
a f
ucking
idiot
#1 - It is out of your hands
duh
#2 - I was going to go on the pills anyway
#3 - I am listening
I don't want you to
Too bad
'why should I? you're obviously wrong, I don't care what you think, your opinions don't matter, why the hell do you bother? What does it matter to you? So? You have to do this?' is this not something that hurts?
Out of all of that, the only ones I were trying to say were "Why should I?" "Why are you bothering with it?" not bluntly as you put it and "Why does it matter to you"
The rest...no
well the way you're talking to me, it's hurting me, whether you meant that or not
-Shakes head- Yeah, okay
I'm just not even going to say anything, I shouldn't even be typing this sentence...
Past two days, I type something and someone's pissed...
Lovely pattern
Sorry that I'm so FUBAR Tanya :)
what the fuck happened?
why are you suddenly defensive when I try to help, why am I hurt so easily, and why can't we work anything out without stupid shit like this happening?
Because this time the fight is between us, we're not consoleing each other for the pain other's have brought us
We're fighting for what we've said
I hate fighting..
I hate this..
----
But we finally figured out what we were both doing wrong, and stopped being so abrupt and explained..
So it's all okay now.. *sigh*
Scared me. T_T.
I think all couples have to fight at least once. Because, they have to test their boundaries, and figure out what to not do and why things go wrong sometimes, what mistakes they're making and how to balance everything. So, our first fights.
But now I know, and now he knows..
And I doubt we'll fight for quite a while, this was just a bad time. He was having a bad night and it made us fight, feeling lower than ever and what I said wasn't good to put on him at that time, though he wasn't making sense. The next days I was just kinda.. afraid of him. Afraid he'd blow up on me. Because I didn't know what was wrong and why things were going wrong..
It was especially scary for it to continue the next day.. Because I was thinking, oh shit. I don't want to lose him to this. Felt like maybe for some reason something snapped and he wouldn't be back the way he always was, and that I couldn't speak freely like I did before and that I'd always make things worse when he feels low..
"*hugs you* I'm sorry that I've let it come this far..
I just don't.. realize what I'm doing until you say it..
I'll trust you to work on it Wess.. I'll leave it alone, but I won't tip toe.. But I want you to ask me when you want anything, if you want help, please don't leave everything to yourself"
"-hugs back, holding you close- I love you okay...more than anyone or anything, no matter what you say or do, nothing will change that. Just do this differently, I want your help, I want you to be close, I don't want you to fear me because there's nothing to fear. I'm me, I'm still ME Tanya, I got mad once and I wouldn't of normally done it, it was just a mistake. -Nod- Okay, please keep it that way."
"-takes your hand- No fights, okay? The last couple of days I never want to repeat again, so I will work on everything as long as you do, -hugs-"
"okay.."
"We all have our bad days but notice that has only happened once? It's not like it happens constantly, like I said, it was a mistake because I had just had a bad day before that
If I'm feeling THAT bad again, which rarely ever happens, I will tell you if you want me to"
"okay.. as I said, jammed... and then I go and leave you be on those days if you want me to"
"See, I don't want that though because if you don't egg it on or demand things out of me like you have been...you make me so happy and you always make my worst days better. You've always made me feel better and you've always made me smile again...."
"just, please teach me how.. I'm sorry if I mess things up like I did today, just please try to tell me right away before I make things get bad.."
"Okay, I will"
----
*sigh* Thank god. More days of that stuff and I would've broken down.
I'm glad, because the last few days have just been hectic and I've been missing being gushy and close with this crap coming between us..
Well, at least now I know.. Even though things get terribly hard, we'll get through it. We got through that (which was reaaally hard on me), and it was the first fight.. so I think we can get past anything.. Because we'll learn better how to stop them from happening and how to deal with it when it comes.
And we really don't want to fight.. So yeah.. We'll do our best to never, and there aren't many reasons to but when we just forget common sense and push things on each other at bad times.
Freaked me out there, Wess. I'm glad that's over... Phew.
About two days ago, Wess and I had our first fight..
I think we did a bit yesterday, or no.. I was being so very very careful and was afraid to say anything.
Today we fought a bit more. ...
----
You
Cannot
Help
My
Sleeping
Schedule
It
Is
OUT
Of
Your
Hands
would you please stop it?
And if it means THAT much to you that I get on one, I'll agree to the sleeping pills
fuck no
Yes because nothing else is going to work apparently because I always get side tracked and back onto a crap schedule
So yeah
stop. it.
The sleep thing will be taken care of
stop stop stop stop.
I'm not doing anything....my mom mentioned them to me weeks ago: "Maybe we should try sleep medication" "Yeah, I think so too"
stop talking like this.
What?
stop.
XD I'm not doing anything Tanya
you're treating me like I'm stupid.
.....
look at it, will you? you
are
talking
like
this
and
acting
like
I'm
a f
ucking
idiot
#1 - It is out of your hands
duh
#2 - I was going to go on the pills anyway
#3 - I am listening
I don't want you to
Too bad
'why should I? you're obviously wrong, I don't care what you think, your opinions don't matter, why the hell do you bother? What does it matter to you? So? You have to do this?' is this not something that hurts?
Out of all of that, the only ones I were trying to say were "Why should I?" "Why are you bothering with it?" not bluntly as you put it and "Why does it matter to you"
The rest...no
well the way you're talking to me, it's hurting me, whether you meant that or not
-Shakes head- Yeah, okay
I'm just not even going to say anything, I shouldn't even be typing this sentence...
Past two days, I type something and someone's pissed...
Lovely pattern
Sorry that I'm so FUBAR Tanya :)
what the fuck happened?
why are you suddenly defensive when I try to help, why am I hurt so easily, and why can't we work anything out without stupid shit like this happening?
Because this time the fight is between us, we're not consoleing each other for the pain other's have brought us
We're fighting for what we've said
I hate fighting..
I hate this..
----
But we finally figured out what we were both doing wrong, and stopped being so abrupt and explained..
So it's all okay now.. *sigh*
Scared me. T_T.
I think all couples have to fight at least once. Because, they have to test their boundaries, and figure out what to not do and why things go wrong sometimes, what mistakes they're making and how to balance everything. So, our first fights.
But now I know, and now he knows..
And I doubt we'll fight for quite a while, this was just a bad time. He was having a bad night and it made us fight, feeling lower than ever and what I said wasn't good to put on him at that time, though he wasn't making sense. The next days I was just kinda.. afraid of him. Afraid he'd blow up on me. Because I didn't know what was wrong and why things were going wrong..
It was especially scary for it to continue the next day.. Because I was thinking, oh shit. I don't want to lose him to this. Felt like maybe for some reason something snapped and he wouldn't be back the way he always was, and that I couldn't speak freely like I did before and that I'd always make things worse when he feels low..
"*hugs you* I'm sorry that I've let it come this far..
I just don't.. realize what I'm doing until you say it..
I'll trust you to work on it Wess.. I'll leave it alone, but I won't tip toe.. But I want you to ask me when you want anything, if you want help, please don't leave everything to yourself"
"-hugs back, holding you close- I love you okay...more than anyone or anything, no matter what you say or do, nothing will change that. Just do this differently, I want your help, I want you to be close, I don't want you to fear me because there's nothing to fear. I'm me, I'm still ME Tanya, I got mad once and I wouldn't of normally done it, it was just a mistake. -Nod- Okay, please keep it that way."
"-takes your hand- No fights, okay? The last couple of days I never want to repeat again, so I will work on everything as long as you do, -hugs-"
"okay.."
"We all have our bad days but notice that has only happened once? It's not like it happens constantly, like I said, it was a mistake because I had just had a bad day before that
If I'm feeling THAT bad again, which rarely ever happens, I will tell you if you want me to"
"okay.. as I said, jammed... and then I go and leave you be on those days if you want me to"
"See, I don't want that though because if you don't egg it on or demand things out of me like you have been...you make me so happy and you always make my worst days better. You've always made me feel better and you've always made me smile again...."
"just, please teach me how.. I'm sorry if I mess things up like I did today, just please try to tell me right away before I make things get bad.."
"Okay, I will"
----
*sigh* Thank god. More days of that stuff and I would've broken down.
I'm glad, because the last few days have just been hectic and I've been missing being gushy and close with this crap coming between us..
Well, at least now I know.. Even though things get terribly hard, we'll get through it. We got through that (which was reaaally hard on me), and it was the first fight.. so I think we can get past anything.. Because we'll learn better how to stop them from happening and how to deal with it when it comes.
And we really don't want to fight.. So yeah.. We'll do our best to never, and there aren't many reasons to but when we just forget common sense and push things on each other at bad times.
Freaked me out there, Wess. I'm glad that's over... Phew.
"But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more.. to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your door.."
My boyfriend is going to walk more than 2,000 miles...
A six month trip, walking from South Carolina to California.. All strictly on foot.
All he'll have with him is what he can carry..
He's leaving this month or the next.....
He'll bring his cell phone, so I'm going to make him call me at least once a week..
If he dies I'll never forgive him.. Jeezus.
Walking alone for six months.. With the only possessions you bring being the ones you have on your back..... Walking down highways in all weather conditions, not being in a city and having to somehow eat...
Yeeah. I'll be sure to pound into his head that he has to stay alive and make sure I can trust him to stay with me.
He was so worried when his ex was going to go away for a month, thinking they might grow distant.. Think of how worried I am, with him gone six months!
So yeah.. When he leaves is pending.. I'll keep you updated on that.
A six month trip, walking from South Carolina to California.. All strictly on foot.
All he'll have with him is what he can carry..
He's leaving this month or the next.....
He'll bring his cell phone, so I'm going to make him call me at least once a week..
If he dies I'll never forgive him.. Jeezus.
Walking alone for six months.. With the only possessions you bring being the ones you have on your back..... Walking down highways in all weather conditions, not being in a city and having to somehow eat...
Yeeah. I'll be sure to pound into his head that he has to stay alive and make sure I can trust him to stay with me.
He was so worried when his ex was going to go away for a month, thinking they might grow distant.. Think of how worried I am, with him gone six months!
So yeah.. When he leaves is pending.. I'll keep you updated on that.
Life is a test.. a test of will, a test of strength, a test of love.
Nothing comes without effort.. Nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent..
I'm going to hang in there, best I can..
I love him. I love him more than anything.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Because when he hurts, I hurt, and I can't let myself let him feel the way he does about himself.. Yet just saying, hurts him.. So I have to fight both him and myself..
And I don't know what to do....
"all I want, all I want is to hold you.... instead I hold my breath.." (smitten, bree sharp)
"I’m standing in the push and shove
And I’m just within the rescue
Of the labour of your love
I can’t do anything but fall
A-fall, a-fall-fall-fall
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
One chance, one shot
That’s all anybody ever got
Newborn still warm
Naked in the rush hour
Dancing in my gutter
And if you want to find me
Call me, I’ll be far from
The cars and guitars and
Everybody
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
And I never knew before
But I feel like a child in a cold, cold war
So strong, so tough
Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
And I don’t want to dance
I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?"
(labour of love, frente)
"And you know.. That I dream of your love all around me. And you know, that my love for you is extraordinary.. And it seems, that all I want is to make you happy.... And I know, that all I need is to have you near me.." (Apiary, Yum Yum)
"Starry night.. I remember the wind blew right through me.. You looked into my eyes, and said you saw my soul. Paradise.. Is only sixteen miles away from you.. When you make up your mind, let me know because I'm ready to go.. Because I've lost control of this train- I was thinking.. Because I don't know where to go... But if the wheel of chance spun in my direction.. Well then I'd think I'd know." (Train of Thought, Yum Yum)
"Tears in your eyes, and you eyes looks so tired, and the tension is raising, higher and higher. And fear in your words, and your thoughts are conspired, to tear it apart, and watch it all fall down... Not wanting to hold you down.. just wanting to hold you now.. Not wanting to hold you down.. Just wanting to hold you now.... " (Uneasy, Yum Yum)
When I can't explain with my own words, I use someone else's.
I want to make you happy.. I want to work on it, but I don't want you to suffer through it. I don't want you to feel terrible about yourself and like you're a pain, I don't want you to get upset with me.. I just want us to be happy and be able to talk about your feelings without emotions overflowing and you fighting with me.. *sigh*...
I just wish I knew how..
Nothing comes without effort.. Nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent..
I'm going to hang in there, best I can..
I love him. I love him more than anything.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Because when he hurts, I hurt, and I can't let myself let him feel the way he does about himself.. Yet just saying, hurts him.. So I have to fight both him and myself..
And I don't know what to do....
"all I want, all I want is to hold you.... instead I hold my breath.." (smitten, bree sharp)
"I’m standing in the push and shove
And I’m just within the rescue
Of the labour of your love
I can’t do anything but fall
A-fall, a-fall-fall-fall
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
One chance, one shot
That’s all anybody ever got
Newborn still warm
Naked in the rush hour
Dancing in my gutter
And if you want to find me
Call me, I’ll be far from
The cars and guitars and
Everybody
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
And I never knew before
But I feel like a child in a cold, cold war
So strong, so tough
Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
And I don’t want to dance
I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?"
(labour of love, frente)
"And you know.. That I dream of your love all around me. And you know, that my love for you is extraordinary.. And it seems, that all I want is to make you happy.... And I know, that all I need is to have you near me.." (Apiary, Yum Yum)
"Starry night.. I remember the wind blew right through me.. You looked into my eyes, and said you saw my soul. Paradise.. Is only sixteen miles away from you.. When you make up your mind, let me know because I'm ready to go.. Because I've lost control of this train- I was thinking.. Because I don't know where to go... But if the wheel of chance spun in my direction.. Well then I'd think I'd know." (Train of Thought, Yum Yum)
"Tears in your eyes, and you eyes looks so tired, and the tension is raising, higher and higher. And fear in your words, and your thoughts are conspired, to tear it apart, and watch it all fall down... Not wanting to hold you down.. just wanting to hold you now.. Not wanting to hold you down.. Just wanting to hold you now.... " (Uneasy, Yum Yum)
When I can't explain with my own words, I use someone else's.
I want to make you happy.. I want to work on it, but I don't want you to suffer through it. I don't want you to feel terrible about yourself and like you're a pain, I don't want you to get upset with me.. I just want us to be happy and be able to talk about your feelings without emotions overflowing and you fighting with me.. *sigh*...
I just wish I knew how..
Scared
Scared scared scared scared...
.....
I'm afraid..... ...
How do I not... How do I not..?
How..?
I fear for you and myself..
I fear for me, because it hurts.
I fear for you, because you hurt.
Oh what can I do... What do I do.. I can't do nothing, I can't I can't I can't.
How do I not hurt you.. How do I not hurt myself..?
How do I get through this.. When just speaking of it.. Just getting through it.. Just mentioning is.. God.. Why can't I think.. Forgetting words again..
Just mentioning the whole thing is.. is... is........ is. what..?
voodoo.. no.. forbidden.. no.. heresy no.. "just to mention the name of the god was----" Blank. In culture.. When saying something is forbidden or completely not allowed, that saying it comes with consequences.. Damn my tired mind.
I don't want it to all fall apart. I don't want you to blow up on me when I'm trying to help. I don't want you to forget that I'm on your side, that I just want to help you. I want you to be happy..
I don't want this to ruin everything.
Because this is the only thing... The only thing that could mess it up.
I don't want you to go.. I don't want to go.. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we won't be able to handle it, that I or you will break down and we will fall out of love. That you'll start to hate me, that I'll start to hate you, that things will go wrong.. That my stubbornness will make me hurt you.. And nothing hurts me as terribly as upsetting you.. Nothing at all..
I'm afraid to upset you for that reason. To give advice, to help you. To help you through this, to help you achieve goals, fix flaws, without taking it personally..... I want to tell you it doesn't matter without you shouting to me, I'm wrong, 'it does matter, I have to deal with it every day, whenever I look in the mirror, whenever I wake up-'....
I want to be able to speak to you...
I want to be able to not hold my tongue, to be able to tell you what I honestly feel..
To know, that you'll listen..
That you won't block me out and break down.. That you won't remember, that you won't feel like that..
God I'm fucking scared..
.....
I'm afraid..... ...
How do I not... How do I not..?
How..?
I fear for you and myself..
I fear for me, because it hurts.
I fear for you, because you hurt.
Oh what can I do... What do I do.. I can't do nothing, I can't I can't I can't.
How do I not hurt you.. How do I not hurt myself..?
How do I get through this.. When just speaking of it.. Just getting through it.. Just mentioning is.. God.. Why can't I think.. Forgetting words again..
Just mentioning the whole thing is.. is... is........ is. what..?
voodoo.. no.. forbidden.. no.. heresy no.. "just to mention the name of the god was----" Blank. In culture.. When saying something is forbidden or completely not allowed, that saying it comes with consequences.. Damn my tired mind.
I don't want it to all fall apart. I don't want you to blow up on me when I'm trying to help. I don't want you to forget that I'm on your side, that I just want to help you. I want you to be happy..
I don't want this to ruin everything.
Because this is the only thing... The only thing that could mess it up.
I don't want you to go.. I don't want to go.. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we won't be able to handle it, that I or you will break down and we will fall out of love. That you'll start to hate me, that I'll start to hate you, that things will go wrong.. That my stubbornness will make me hurt you.. And nothing hurts me as terribly as upsetting you.. Nothing at all..
I'm afraid to upset you for that reason. To give advice, to help you. To help you through this, to help you achieve goals, fix flaws, without taking it personally..... I want to tell you it doesn't matter without you shouting to me, I'm wrong, 'it does matter, I have to deal with it every day, whenever I look in the mirror, whenever I wake up-'....
I want to be able to speak to you...
I want to be able to not hold my tongue, to be able to tell you what I honestly feel..
To know, that you'll listen..
That you won't block me out and break down.. That you won't remember, that you won't feel like that..
God I'm fucking scared..
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