Exhaustion

I don't know how much longer I can take this.. I need the weekend, I need my eyes to rest and my body to be in peace. My mind needs to empty of the many worries that plague it, and my hands need to stop jittering, my heart stop racing..
I need peace...

More Sane Expression

Written in my D.A. journal:


Today is the most stressful and exhausting day....

Just everything is bugging me now, and it's enough to make my head hurt and my disorder-insanity level riiiiise up the ceiling.
My grandparents coming over with no warning and my brother's DDR and them trying to figure out ebay and Nana noisily talking was enough to make my head burn and my body freeze up in inability to feel anything but stress stress stress. Just the 'get me out of here!!!' feeling of being trapped in a small cage.

It's like the feeling of complete fear, but for no reason. You feel like your in the middle of a presentation, or about to be chased by a bear. Or like someone's going to grab you or abduct you with a knife to your throat. I get this feeling when I'm upset or stressed. I just can't will myself to move and can't will myself to do anything but stare until I feel 'safe' again.. I tense up and my head hurts and I feel my heart in my throat.. and I just feel like putting my head in my hands and then letting out a good scream. The smallest gesture towards me such as a hug or a question makes me snap and my entire self goes to some sort of defense mechanism.
Such is why I never seem to grow up, I still curl into a ball and pout because I can do nothing with my voice nor body when I feel in this way.

Stress and fear and tenseness all at once, it's not fun. I have everything to worry about and the smallest things today were making me crazy. I wanted my brother to stop hugging me five times a day and I wanted my grandparents to talk more quietly, and not to have dropped by today when my mood was so trivial.. I was wishing Dad wasn't sitting downstairs at the computer talking on the phone which would ring every twenty minutes, and I wished people would stop walking by as I tried to do what I wanted to without question.

*sigh*

I feel like there are eyes on my back watching every move I make, waiting for me to say something I shouldn't, waiting for me to do something they deem wrong.. Though it doesn't matter, it is my fear, and it makes me feel raw and sharpens my somber mood. Such is one of the many flaws of mine.

--

Behind it all I'm fucking annoyed paranoid and in some sort of pain.

Stay away from me, be quiet, leave me alone leave me alone and leave me alone! Stop squeaking your chair, S.O.B.. Stop telling me to watch your game, stop stomping DDR, stop standing behind me Nana, I'm watching your shadow, stop hovering near me, stop talking over me, stop stop stop and go away!

I want everyone and everything to fucking go away! AWAY!

My head hurts and I'm cry-ish, AGAIN.

I want a piece of pizza but I'm afraid to move..? I'm afraid to move. I don't even know why. I'm afraid to move. I just want to sit here until everyone goes away. I wait till they can't see me, like they're waiting for one mistake or one wrong word. Like they're ready to pounce up and ask me what I'm doing, what I'm writing, why who what..

My head hurts.. I don't know why I'm so.. messed. I just feel so sad and overwhelmed and I just want it to be quiet..
My grandparents came over. My brother is being loud. My mother is blabbing with them. I just want it to go away. I'm stressed out and scared. I'm stressed and scared..
So please go away......

I have an N in math. I don't know how to do one problem. I have to get good grades to get into college two years early. One chance.. Only once chance. I'm taking the ACT in February although I'm only 15, and I'm going to see if I can make it in, skipping the last two years of high school and going straight to college..
My Japanese class is hard. My weight training exhausts me. My biology perplexes me. My Language Arts drags on.. My U.S. history is dwindling in grade..

Oh I have so much to worry about every moment, every day..

I'm hungry and tired and my head hurts. I'm stressed and frozen and I can't move.

I lose or win my love in 13 (?) days, and I have so many other things that are hurting me right now.
Souren literally rejected me yesterday, although not mean, still annoying.

I know Zandry is going to not choose me, because it's obvious. He's already told me, duh.

I'm so tired.. I just want to go to sleep and I want everyone to stay away.

A Deal

"For the next 15 days, I want you to be Zandry-less. No mentioning of him, having orgasms over his voice, freaking out over his pictures, stalking him. Try to be Canadian-less for the 15 days and I will give you a cookie"

Okay, I agree. But 14 days only.. er, one day before we're compromising. I'll go that many days without thinking of him.

*laughing* That voice part is just creepy. It's cracking me up, because yesterday I was searching for the voice clips and annoying Weston saying "He sounds like Howl from Miyazaki's 'Howl's Moving Castle' !!!!!!" When really Weston checked for me and told me he sounded nothing like him. I guess I was connecting his cuteness with Howl's cuteness (when Howl's hair turns black) and therefore connected the voice, or at least was reminded.
XDDD.. The bishi is Zandry!!! :P

So yeah. I'll stop visiting his page and stop 'freaking out' and stop it all, until the day before our compromise. Therefore, December 12th.

Okay Weston, it's a deal. This doesn't count, haha.

No way to know what'll happen.. No predicting.

But honestly, I think he's not going to choose me. I've too much of a dreamer, but now looking at things realistically, he has little reason to choose me. If he loved me then he wouldn't have let me go.
He didn't before, so why would he now?

It's just a pity.
I'll be waiting for a sure answer, and then it'll be done. No more wondering, no more mystery. I'm glad.
I'd rather a harsh truth than no answer. Or if lucky, a good answer instead of none.
14 more days..?
About.. Mmm...

Mystery Solved

why do you enjoy harassing me when ur here?

ara?

I curious, duh. you be like "IS WESTON UR BOYFRIEND?" "OH HE MUST BE" /harrass

because you dont teeeeeeeeellllllllll me

lol, honestly?

yea

so if I told you what was happening you wouldn't take advantage of my paranoia all the time?

thered be no questions to ask if I knew

but would you believe me? cuz you're like 'noo he's nooot'

I'd believe you if you were serious

mmhm, okie dokie, as long as you don't mock my ocassional emo bakaness I'll tell you stuff

.... NO U

as long as you're NICE ABOUT IT SLIGHTLY, no harassing me if I tell you stuff

duh

mmkay

if I can increase my flow of enemy information for future exploitation I will do as asked..... .... -__-

which means what exactly?

NUTHIN...

tell me, dumb. meaning if you can find out who is your enemy or something you shall know who to destroy something something wut?

it means the more you tell me, th more likely you are to say something so completely stupid I have no option except to BLOCK YOU FROM UTTER FAILURE~

lol, XD, or at least try

Hopefully that wont happen too often

kay
---

Amazing. Now I have a solution. Huzzah. A well worth it trade.

Hugs For Alex

Thanks so much bro. You really helped. *huuuug*
You be teh win! Hayabooya style, desuyo!
Kukuku, smiiiitewa..

Snow desuka! HAI! You know it to be true! Snow snow, go snow go! Degrees go low, and in we stay. No school day!!! Let us dance and let us play! Tonight I pray, SNOW DAYYYYY!
*does the snow dance*

I didn't do my homework, Arekusu-sama. Watashi wa baka desu.. T__T

Save me snow, save me! Win! Wiiiiiin! Wiiin!
---

*hugs Alex* Thank you for good advice, 1337 skillz, uberness, not being annoying, and the randomness you provide me with. You be teh awesome brother of ultima powa.

Trusting My Brother For Once

After watching him help my friend Weston figure out the consent age in South Carolina through some nifty research, I decided to trust him, for once, with helping me.
Thing is, the mom was threatening a restraining order on Weston, and Weston is really sweet and loves Sammi to death. Just her mom is dumb and doesn't want them together. So Alex looked up the rules for restraining order, and it ends up the mom can't do anything about them seeing each other. So Weston was overjoyed to find this out.
--

So, now I ask him. And I'm surprised at how much his advice makes sense. Course he'll have his occasional sarcasm, but he's being nice about it. Wow, brother, being nice.. Ookay.
He's annoying, but smart. And when he wants to help he does.
And today he seems especially serious and helpful.

I told him why we can't be together. Then he made me say why I like him so much. I list the reasons. "Oh how do I love thee? Let me count the ways!"
I'll show the convo once we're actually done.

I Wonder

Well, sent a serious letter today. I'm happy to hear from him but I don't want joy crap until I know what I'm getting into. What is the same, what has changed, has anything changed?
Thing is, I can't get over him, however I try. I really look around, but I can't find anyone who compares in the patience and kindness he shows towards me, the humor and willingness to have fun and be stupid with me. The acceptance, however weird I act some days or whatever stupid things upset me. It's hard to find these people.
So, yeah, I can't. I try, I've been doing fairly well considering how much I like him. I went days without sorrow nor real loneliness, if I got lonely I talked to Weston and if I got sad I talked to my mom or went out somewhere. But eventually it kinda caught up with me. Weston's issues with his love started to remind me, and my crush whom is nice but doesn't have enough in common with me. I realized, it's really hard to move on. I was excited at first to have someone to crush on, but there was a tinge of sadness behind it that for a while I didn't understand. Finally realized, it's because, I don't want to move on. I want him. No one else. Zandry and only Zandry.
Yet it's complicated. So what the heck.

Hmph.

How wonderful to know that my older brother will now be reading all my personal thoughts and whining, purposely set away in a place where family members shouldn't be able to see it. Damn you.

Smile

A sign. I got a sign. I don't like Souren (as in, he will be nothing but a friend).
15 days till I speak to the one I love... God I miss you miss you.

Ten Minutes

Ten minutes to say what's happening.

I feel sick inside, at every look at his page and every thought in my head saying, he's not mine, never will be, can't, ever. I feel sick missing him and sick seeing his picture. Makes me want to cry thinking of sending pictures back and forth, and how he was always eager to get one.

My mom could tell I was really down and I was pretending to do my homework while telling Weston my woes. She got me to say bye and got me to spill what was wrong. I was relieved that she understood..

My hands are freezing.. And my fingers ache of strumming the same song over and over.

Rebecca.. Stop. It hurts.

Weston can relate to that. "So you're not the only one who gets crazy thoughts like that huh.." "I freak out easily! Just her saying that makes me feel sick and upset, just because I want her to.. stay away, I don't know" "Yeah, the whole 'he/she is who I love! he/she is just another part of your life, go away!'" "Hehe, yeah.."

I feel like I'll be forgotten, replaced. I feel like he doesn't love me and never will. Which is why I'm sad now. I wasn't there when he needed me.. I wasn't born there, I wasn't put into his path.. Does that mean I should have no chance.. I wasn't given a chance.. I find the person I love and the only reason why I can't be with him is because I wasn't there when he needed help most... Why. Why couldn't it have been me? I always ask that.

My mom told me, love is a stupid word. Because there are too many forms of love, and everyone has a different definition. There's the love for family, the love for friends, the love of lovers, the love of couples, the love of cheaters, the love of lust, the love of reliance, the love of attachment. There are too many. So what is real love..?
She says, give everything time. Keep your eyes open as always. But then again, remember that things change with time.

Smile Despite Confusion

It's so nice to have a good friend who appreciates me being there.

"You are such a tard.."
"hmm? Tard how so?"
"-Laughs- You're the only person who leaves me countless messages while i'm on away, I appreciate it :P"
"you do? good, I thought it might be annoying"
"Nah haha"

:D That makes me smile.

And yeah. Souren is a no for hooking up with.


because I wouldn't have fun with him
I wanna walk around with a box on my head with "X__x" drawn on the front in sharpie
just to see reactions
^_^
and I want to get a group of friends
and a camera
and set it up..
suddenly stop when we're all walking
and look at the sky
stare there for like, five minutes
and the cam will catch who stops to see what we're looking at
if someone asks, we just go 'oo...' or 'woah...'
XDDDD

Weston
-Raises his hand-
i'll video tape

Tanya
haha
so yeah
I told him that, he didn't think it was a good idea XD

Weston
He's not into that junk?

Tanya
nope!

Weston
Pish

Tanya
'yeah, and give us neck cramps'
something along those lines he said
so noo
he doesn't know how to have fun -__-

Weston
-Rolls eyes- Someone has a large stick stuffed up their ass -.-

Tanya
hahah
yeah, too bad
but not too bad in a way
because Zaandry is whom I want
but curses, I can't have him, grah

In the mood for Song

I'm looking at Cocteau Twins again.. I'm looking for songs to express how I feel, in one way or another. This will take up a lot of space.... All are by Cocteau Twins.

You listen hard
Fear of flying
Fear of flying
With our love
Now I am sure
You and I will(the lips, the heart)
And you and I yeah
Illuminated
The lips, the heart
Illuminated
Fear of flying(the lips, the heart)
Fear of flying
Fear of flying(the heart, the soul,
illuminated, illuminated)
The lips the heart
The heart the soul
illuminated
Heart-shaped chews and traps
Treasure hiding
Scared of temptress skill
Love I'd sold, I was trying
Deep without us
Down down and further- tears
Collective in try and stop
Fire is out
Not ready focus
Life places scars
Purify them
Constancy
Purifies new skins
In excelcius
Glee she'll use as fire
Lips spread the fire
Your heart
And you are ready
The lips, the heart
You're the fire, you're the flame
The heart, the soul
Hand in hand, hand in hand
-Treasure Hiding
---

..And it hurts but it's a lie that I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life, and it's a rich one even with mourning
Even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature and to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family.
I have myself
I still have me
- Half-Gifts
---

Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
-Tishbite
----

Aliveness
Exploration
Fulfillment
Creativity

It may be diverting
For some part of him
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?
Healthy dependence
And healthy independence
And healthy assurances
This love's a nameless dream
And healthy boundaries
And how long would you miss me

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you mistreat me
Or betray all my confidence?
-Bluebeard
-----

Don't Get Excited, Don't Leave

He doesn't like being odd or random, hm.. That would be a problem. Because I'm very strange and random.. Okay, yeah. He's definitely going to be a friend, if anything.
Even if he thought me cute, he wouldn't like my personality. Well, I wouldn't have enough fun with him.

But I said a month.. So I'll try.. It'll be hard..
Wait.. Let's see. If I find I don't like Souren all that much I'll shorten it to 15 days. Mmkay.

No.. A month.. *sigh* Make up your mind..

15 days if I don't like Souren, and if there's any sign from Zandry.. A month if I don't like Souren and there's no sign from Zandry.. If I like Souren, a month. Fair enough.
--

You're sure, Zandry..? She's your true love, the one you're after?
Or do you just feel you owe her? Do you truly love her?..
--

I don't think I'll find many like you.. I try, I really do. I'm trying, don't you see...
There aren't many like you. Not many that fit, 'everything I ever wanted'... How it plagues me, knowing, I wanted nothing more than you.

DECISION

If I get over you in a month, I'll give up on being with you.
If I can't, I'll talk once again.
Thanks bye.

So I'm Not So Happy Huh..?

Damn it Wess... *sigh* Shouldn't have made me figure out why I'm gloomy, even though I found a cute crush who talks to me.

Fuckity fuck. It's no fair. It's no fair. NO fair, no fair no fair no fair.
..... why the hell..
Weston's reminding me......... How you can't escape. How you can pretend, but you can't escape. What? Love. I hate it so much.

ZANDRY, WHY THE F-CK CAN'T I GET OVER YOU?

I hate this.

You're the only person who would listen to me for hours. You're the only one who thinks I'm pretty just as I wake up. You're the only person who's overjoyed to 'see' me. You're the only one who would hold my hand. You're the only one who ever wrote like that about me. You're the only one I've ever wanted to kiss. You're the only one who talked to me on the phone and told me a bedtime story over it. You're the only one I would write about on my wall. You're the only one I could trust with anything. You're the only one I could share my weird thoughts to. You're the only one who refuses to hurt me.


I want to move on.. but I don't. I know you don't love me. I know you love her. I know I know I know I know. So why won't it.... sink in? Even if it does, why can't I let go?

Because you're everything I ever wanted..
Why can't I be what you wanted? Why love ever work? Why can't I smile when I'm finding chances with people who can actually be with me? Why can't I?

-Sigh-

I feel so terrible....!!!
I just hurt a friend unknowingly.. I just made them upset. They're gone.
My honesty.. Why do I have to be so honest?

What's best for you, what's best for her. I speak only my mind.. Yet it's too much for someone who holds them still so close to their heart. I wish I could please cheer you up again, because I didn't know it hurt you to hear that.

If you don't like me anymore.. you don't have to talk to me, you know. I'm so sorry. ...... .. I didn't mean to.
Ugh.. I'm never going to forgive myself for it..
--

Speaking of feeling terrible, I also feel quite sick.. for obvious reasons. *sigh* How hard it is to take a new risk and risk my self-esteem and confidence..
It's scary. I don't like it. I'd rather just stay quiet and have no one ever know.. Ah.. ... .. Tonight I won't sleep so well..

Eeep.. eep eep eep

Mmkkkaayyyy..

T__T

I added Souren to my friends on myspace. Meeep.. Anyway, the thing is, he has his profile on hide, so I can't even ponder it. Sheesh.
And I just realized.. Oh gawd. My blog is linked on my myspace page. T____T... Ooooh great. I hope he doesn't see this. ^ ^;;; That'd be so embarrassing.. *chokes*

At least I don't see him in school much. And it's so lame to friend someone you don't know. Ehhrrg.. Well, whatever. No turning back. Haha.. As if the email to Alex wasn't enough to make me feel sick. :P
.... .. >___<
Dude, help me Weston, hahah. I'm freaking out! ... *sigh* Now I'm all nervous for both disappointment and extreme embarrassment, I would prefer one, thank you. Jeebus.

..... ehe... heh.. heh.. *hides behind Weston, my 'older brother', and digs a hole to live in*

The Whole Crush Story

Speaking of crush.. (I'm trying to cheer up after the last post)
I'll tell you the story.
--

The first time I really even glanced upon him was sometime in the first week of school.. We were getting together with the other classes in the block, therefore those not from my class were in the same room as us for a day. He caught my eye. Not instant attraction, but he looked different.
I hadn't seen him since..

I saw him again in the hallways many months later.. Again he caught my eye. I strained my neck as I walked towards the staircase, looking back with curiousity and trying to get a good look at him..
Some days later I saw him as I was leavig 2nd period, he was right at the door I was coming out of first. Tried to catch his eye, I think he looked back.

I told Weston about the whole thing. He laughed and said I was such a dork, which is a sort of compliment from him. It means I'm dumb and cute, I suppose you could say. He told me before that it's not an insult. He's fond of calling me a 'Tard' as well. Haha.. I asked what to do, he said to talk to the guy.. But I'm far too shy for that. I was thinking.. note.. and then I think, hell no. I've tried that one and failed every time. So, I decided I'd think and plan along the way. I can't do it in the evening, I'll plan according the the moment/situation.

I was in luck! We were writing an essay in the Biology room.. And it was a block meet time again. I was thinking to myself 'gah, please be assigned to this room..' and he was. I was like, 'yes!'

For three periods we were writing an essay.. The prewrite, the first, and final draft.. All of it! All in class, no preperation beforehand. So I had a lot of time to work and also in the back of my head, think.

I knew Alex D. pretty well, as he rides my bus and he's a good tapdancer. He went to my middle school, and is fairly friendly and sometimes holds a brief conversation. As an excuse to get closer to my crush, I walked back there and started talking to Alex...

I found out, from both attendance and waering memory, my crush's name is Souren. A neat name for an interesting looking guy.
My observations were only from the breif stares I managed in his direction. He has medium lenth straight dark brown hair.. A pale even toned face.. Sharp in some way, hard to explain. Just an odd face, less rounded. Blue eyes. Though it isn't my thing, it suits him. It's not cold clear blue, but a more even dark blue. Fairly tall and thin, just in general attractive to my tastes.

So, I schemed in my head a way to do something.. I wouldn't talk to him, because first of all he yawned and said "I'm so tired..", so I didn't want to make him talk. :P haha, it's the first thing I've heard him say up close. XD

Alex appeared to be Souren's friend. So on the way out I asked him if he was friends with Souren. He said yeah, pretty close friends.. And as it was five minute passing period, I said to Alex "hey, can I have your email? I need to ask you something.."
He gave it to me. Success!

After Japanese class ended in 4th period, I pondered to myself, thinking of Souren, growing lost in thought. Avoiding the students, I glanced to my side and was shocked to find him riiight next to me. I was just like 'o____o' in my head but kept walking, dodging through the crowds of students. A coincidence I think, but the timing was amazing.

Yesterday I feverishly emailed Alex, admitting that I had a crush on Souren and asking him to tell me about him, so I can know if he'd be someone I'd like in the first place.

I'm nervous because I haven't gotten a reply.. I hope I do before school starts.. otherwise I'll feel quite awkward.

All In My Head

Letting my imagination run wild at the moment, I ache.

Don't act like that. Don't talk like that. Don't hurt as if it mattered. It didn't matter to you, it never truly did. So stop mourning when you were the one that hurt me.
If the crush would give you any sorrow, I shake my head. I'm moving on like you wanted me to. You told me to. Stop being so hypocritical. If I could be with you I would, but you don't love me, so it hurts. Why would you miss me? You have her. Stop wasting your time. Go away and be happy. Follow dreams like I tried to. At least yours aren't crushed.
--

Wess, you'd know. You know how it feels..! Just two days ago you went through the same hell I did. 'I love you', you love me, but all a lie. A lie. No truth, no trust, flirting behind your back and lying about who she talks to, what she does, and how she feel. You know how much it hurt.
I still ache when I think of these things. I still ache to think I was so tied up in it when there was no feeling back in the first place. What wasted words. What wasted poetry. What a waste of time.
Wasted feelings. The sweet stories you wrote.. The stories about us meeting! Why would you write this when you knew you never wanted to meet me?? Why would you write so sweetly of me when you were only stealing my heart to break it.

Why did you call me pretty when you knew what it did. I warned you the second time we ever spoke. If you don't want to be with me, tell me, if there's no chance, please break off. I told you to. Why didn't you listen..

It stings like it did to find out my first love was breaking the hearts of his many internet girlfirends from past to present. Wonderful. So I was another whore for him. I pray for you it's only two.
---

I don't want to think you hurt over me. I don't want to think you miss me. Because all it does is hurt, being confused wondering, who will you choose in the end. You love her more than anyone, so don't ever hurt over me. You made your choice.
I want to write happy giggly things about my crush. I want to brood.. and talk of becoming friends. I want a happy ending, with someone. If just friends, I don't care. When they're there in front of you, you know whether it's friendship forever or more. Never will be fooled.
--

I hope you don't hurt over me. Because you know how much it hurts me to hurt people, and to not be able to do anything about it.

I'm only doing well because I'm weary of false love. I'd rather be in ignorant bliss of giggling and becoming happy with a simple glance alone from one admired. You don't get disappointed when you can't be. You don't hurt when you don't know..
And that's all I have to say in the negative today. I hurt to think he hurts.
But after all, it's just my imagination. I know when I get like this, it's all in my head.

Good..

I feel very successful and very good about myself right now..

I made no mistakes today. I helped him get over her and break up with that bitch. He said I was awesome too. ^__^ That's Weston I'm talking about.
--~--~--~--

I'm going to find out about my crush through his friend, Alex, whom I know and is nice... I have Alex's email.

My crush's name is.. Souren. Heh... I'm going to email Alex today.. I hope it goes okay..

"And when you leave
You'll go away
Gone to stay
Don't feel so bad
It was nice what we had
You'll be glad


I'll miss you "

-Frente

*coughs*

I've managed to find myself someone to crush on.. Ack. I'm not sure if it's good or bad.
I was talking to Weston, who's been needing some emotional support. I now ask him, oh no, I have a crush. Adviiice plz.
----

Tanya: course this may cause more conflict, but at least I can see who he is and it's not long distance
and at least it's obvious if he cheats of if he doesn't like me or if anything happens, ha

Weston: Haha, well good, you deserve to move on. Maybe this one will be a REAL relationship, eh? ;D

Tanya: lol, maaybe. I have lots of doubts.. I mean, he's cute, the chances are sooo slim

Weston: Oh shush

Tanya: XD buut.. first I noticed him because he had an interesting look, then I got a closer look kinda.. and then today he was right outside the LA room and our eyes caught for just a sec.. *lets out a stifled giggle* XD

Weston: -Laughs- you are such a dork, you know that?

Tanya: and I saw him again but he didn't see me, I was straining my neck on the staircase, XD
yes. lol
It musta looked funny. I was trying to walk slower so I could look, he was talking on a cellphone. The crowd of students got in the way, and he was further, and my staircase to take was right there.. so I was walking down but also looking back trying to look XDD haha It's been so long since I've had a dorky crush
I'm going to keep seeing if I can run into him.. I don't see him much, no classes, nada at all... just occasionally in the halls

Weston: Or you could, you know, introduce yourself to him

Tanya: lol *coughs* how!?
--

I'll be working on how to do that. :P

Today

The touch-football wasn't as bad as I expected.
Course I felt really dumb to drop a pass, which was super short range but.. Bleh.
I had fun. It was amusing to hear them whispering when I ran and rammed someone with my hands (that sounds weird) 'she's getting the tackles down..!'
Hehe. I had fun. Nothing bad happened.
I was nearly late to class though, because it took so long for us to run back and for the light to change...
Heh. Julian was nice to me even though I screwed up, that's good. The thing is, I hate when people are pissed at you when it's just a game..

We tied both games.

Hehe, woot. *thumbs up*

Bleh

Another one of those nights. But this time, by those, I don't mean sad. I mean exhausting, overwhelming.. One night I'd remember from.. 7th or 8th grade..
A night where one assignment goes on and on.. And all the rest remain unfinished even so late at night.

I spent two hours doing my math, determined to finish it.. I have a Japanese test tomorrow, a Biology test tomorrow with a tedious review sheet, an ongoing History project and soon a LA paper. So much to worry about... *sigh*

My eyes ache.. As do my fingers on my left hand, from practicing guitar again today.. I'm getting better, I'm learning what I'm doing wrong and how to improve.. My fingers are too sore for improvement, which would be pressing harder on the strings and positioning them better.

I didn't have much dinner today because I didn't like what was cooked.. I walked to Eckstein and back to pick up my little brother, fairly far.

Today in weight training and conditioning I worked harder than usual.. So I'm sore. I did thirty squats with the weight on my shoulders instead of twenty, I did thirty lift thingies.. Did forty um... lay down and put weight in your hands hanging down and bring your arms back behind your head and then back up.. And then attempted the physio-ball pushups.. Did the eight um.. leg.. stretching.. things.. Did some lifting with that machine.. Did shrugs, the weird squat and lift thing, the pushup rotating thing.. So yeah. Each thing at least eight times, at most forty times.. Usually around fifteen times each exercise...
---

Oh-god.. I just remembered.. Tomorrow, me, two other girls, and 25 boys.. are playing touch football. Greeat.. Don't kill me. Please. And don't put your hands in the wrong place. T__T I don't want to have to kill you.
Or is it Wednesday..? Maybe.. Hard to remember. I think it's tomorrow. They'd better teach me, I have no idea how to play.
:(

Epilogue

From Myspace again (it's convenient for talking to friends but half the people there are stupid):

Yes, I am feeling better, so no worries. Just one of those 'arrg my god, it sucks!' nights.
I think the issues I've been keeping inside were getting under my skin and needed some sort of release, with hopes that it all won't happen again. Reassurance in any form is good.
Maybe I should blast Feel Good Inc or something.. I don't know why that song's so addicting, jeesh. I guess it's because I love odd songs and it has the best beat. Anything I can dance to I absolutely dig. Good beat+nice sounds+decent voice= great song
Pretty popular one too.. It's rare for me to like songs people have heard of.
I first heard that song... In Oregon. I was out on vacation and my awesome.. um.. my mom's cousin... .. He played it. He's so cool, he's just really funny and laughy. I got to ride an ATV for the first time and they have such a neat house.. Even though they live in the middle of nearly nowhere, it's neat. Dave and Kandas, they're a funny couple. Kandas is pale with wavy hair to her waist and looks like.. mystical nearly. She just looks like someone with crystals and astrology. Dave on the other hand looks rough with that stubbled face look and long messy hair.
Enough of the descriptions, that came kinda at random. :P
So he played it really loud in the car when we driving to the waterfall..
--

I'll get into the weird moods time to time, but I'll be okay, promise. I can and have been coping with everything that comes my way, and I can get over anything. Just takes time and strength, and though I have trouble believing it myself, I seem to have a lot of strength. I'll have those nights when I break down under the weight of all that plagues my mind heart and body, but a night's a night, and the next day will fair better.
Every sad day ends happy, every happy day ends sad. That's how my life usually goes.

Seems I've found more support than I had before, which is why I'm not writing 70 poems like I did with the first. It takes a while.. Long long while. And without a helping hand, all I do is talk to myself.

Joey and Weston, I thank those two most. Irony that they're guys. At least I can know that out there are many kind ones, but I remorse over how they seem to be everywhere but here.
Joey was there when I needed help most, and helped me leave him. Weston has always been around to lend a helping hand on nights when I was most depressed and totally crushed and in need of advice. Endless patience, such is something that I very much appreciate. Hugs to them both.

Yes, I write too much. My apologies. But it's the epilogue, I can always just blah blah blah on my blog (which is linked if you wonder where it is, sheesh, look on my main page).
Sayounara, Jaa ne, Chao, Catch ya later

Oooooch.
I relate so much that it hurts. I watched TV today and the show was about moving on from mistakes and grasping reality, bonding with family even though you feel you can't relate, etc etc. Lol, I feel so dumb to relate to TV so much that it shakes me but it did. It's the one show I bother to see every week.. Otherwise I never watch TV.

But ow. Things kinda sink in a bit deeper... *sigh*

My request, is, fucking never steal my heart, anyone. Don't unless you wish me to die.
Seriously.
I'm sick of it..!

I'm sick of long-term pain and long-term tears and crying when I'm not so sad and being sad when I don't know it. I'm sick of feeling a sting and a lump at my throat at times like these, when I remember again. I'm too young. Too young too young too young, so stop dragging the hopelessly easy to use girl into this. Please.
I don't want to live a lie, no matter how short or long.
If I have to, I'll be --....
-----

I wrote this on my myspace bulletin (that place sucks):


I apologize to Weston for being emo right now, and to anyone else on my list who hates sappy-ness. I'm a very sappy person and I don't know why I let myself write a bulletin right now.
Yeah, I'm fine. Just, reflecting, and not in the best stable mind.
Okay. Waiit a second. I'm totally having a breakdown and I think it's girl issues. So ick. My mood is going up and down and up and down and I'm normally super sensitive, irritable, and moody... So you can imagine how crazy it is for me now, sunday night, with it all hitting me at once. So, I think what I have to say is both truly my thoughts, but definitely dramatized.

Good, writing calms me down. Anyways..
What I was going to say was.. Well now that I'm not feeling as tear-out-hair-ish, it sounds weird in context. Here's what I would say ten minutes ago:
"I have a request for you all.. I want you to fucking be sure, do not let anyone steal my heart. Right now I realized, I'm still going through some long term stress and depression from the last, which was what.. Two weeks ago.... The one before that.. about two years... I just want you all to... er... What am I saying. Half of you can't do anything. But.. I wish to say it even so. I'm sick and tired of being used. I really am. I am the most usable girl there is... Seriously. In my life, I've never even effin known a boy. I'm not kidding. Aside from Andy, who was like a brother to me, my childhood friend. But we lost contact some years ago...
I'm also, hopeless romantic. Woonderful combination.. Inability to meet new friends, inability to meet guys, and being so strange and such a loser that even when I meet them, they tend to not like me. The goody goody that never speaks. I know..
Such is a part of me, such I can't change. I'm taking medication for social anxiety disorder, thought I'd say so you'd understand, and the 'friends' of mine here are enough friends, or if strangers, I don't really care. I'm not asking for pity, I'm asking to be understood.
This makes everything extremely hard for me.. Noise, sounds, people, being surrounded as I wait for the bus.. It makes me feel sick and I wait to the side even though I want to be with my friends who wait outside the gates.. But I choose to disappoint and loss of company to prevent another headache for the long one on the bus with the stupid, stupid freshmen boys. I hate boys. Yeah, that's the problem. They're immature.. Half of them like sports, like a lot of mindless things, or are perverts. Either that or they're rude and all they care about is sex. I'm not saying all are like that, just half. :) Only a rare few like me, or are anything near the same..
Anyways, as I have so much trouble meeting people, when I find someone who likes me and cares about me.. Well damn! I cling like a leech. I spill out every inner thought I keep inside and never can say (as there's no one to talk to) and write more poetry and once again gain the confidence I thought was thrown far out long ago.
This is something that I try to hang onto, with everything I have. Even when I know it's a stupid dream, I hang on.. And when it ends, I drown.

Long-distance relationships. I've never had anything else. I know it's stupid. But it's the only way it's ever worked.
But did it work? No.. Honestly.. But it did last for quite a while, give many smiles and make what I thought would be lifelong friends.. If the complications of my emotions didn't get in the way, they would be.
The thing is, I never want it to happen again. I don't want to go ga-ga for another kind but stupid person. Someone who can't make up their mind.
It happened fucking TWICE!!!
He loves her, not me, that's how it happened twice. So I'm sick of love and all that crap. Because when I love, it's just dumb. It's not real, it has too much hope, and I lose a part of myself in it all. In a daydream.

Therefore, I want anyone to cares, to stop me next time. I don't care how..

I want you to give me a good slap if I fall in love again this year, next year, or the next. I don't want to again, and I know this well, you now know too.
So help me live and not love, so I'll be okay"

And that's my message.
I'm not gunna get hurt over stupid things anymore.

Guitar Lessons

The first song I learned for guitar.. Halah by Mazzy Star.

Today I had my first guitar lesson. My teacher is great so I'm quite satisfied with my choice... Very mellow and nice. Also, he knows of most of the bands I listen to. Upon sitting down in the little room, he asked if I recognized 'this' song and played on his guitar. I said no. He said it was a classic played on the radio a lot, so I said, oh, I don't really listen to the radio much. So he asked what I listen to. I said I liked Mazzy Star. He said, oh, he knows one of their songs.. He paused to try to remember it and started playing, and it at once sounded familiar. "oh! That song.. what was it called..?" "I think it's called.. Hallah?" "Yeah, that's right." He strummed for a while and I was surprised to hear him sing.
"Surely don't stay long, I'm missing you now... It's like I told you I'm over you somehow.. Before I close the door, I need to hear you say goodbye. Baby won't you change your mind?"
His voice was well maintained and could go surprisingly high for a man of his age (not old but not young). Sounded quite pretty. Motivation indeed, to sound that good.

He taught me my first chords.. C, G, F, etc.. And I tried them out and slowly memorized them. After about 45 minutes my fingers were hurting, but it'll just take adjusting. He gave me things to practice at home.. Will be good practice for me.
Mmmhm...

Yorda Cosplay

I noted people came to my blog googling Ico cosplay, and I realized, omg, did I even post pictures here..?? I don't think I did. So I'll post one..
More later.

Yay for Ico..! Tis one of my favorite games. :) Yeah, wore this on Halloween..

Multiply

Hiya again...

As much as I loath advertisement.. A little now. I just joined Multiply and it's a cool site... Because it's a place where you can share pictures, music, videos, a journal, etc... Very clean, not at all like a teen popularity contest like myspace.. Just a place to share things with close friends and family..

I love taking pictures as you all know, so if you wanna look around.. Well.. the thing is, I don't want public to be ripping my pics and using them to mock me somehow, lol.. Like on 4-chan or something, you never know.. So I have it set so only people who are my friend can see it.

So if you'd like to join and friend me that'd be nice.. I'd love to share some odd music I like and for you guys to see my other pictures etc if you want..
So feel free if you like..

My site is here: http://7anya.multiply.com/photos/

easy to remember..

Yuppers.. If you join, enjoy.. It's pretty fun and nice so far.

Soon Home

My brother comes home in about an hour... Wow.
I can't wait for him to come home.. To help me with homework, so I can watch him play video games.. :) It's been so long.. I haven't seen him for three months.

I really want to learn how to play and sing Most Beautiful by Frente..
"Wide open eye.. You serious? you delirious? Kissing chaos. Have you got a heart? You could really lose at the super people mart, you are the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beau-ti-ful thing.. is.. When I hear your heart beat... beat.. beat..
Will humans be.. Dumb and free or some amazing ca-ta-stro-phe..? Never too scared to bare to care to running to the riot where the moment meets the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beautiful thing.. is... Something, new I, don't know why.. I know, all there is, I know. Something, new I, don't know why. I know all there is, I know.. Lalallalalalala...
Where is your how? Holding up your frown, a prop to stop you smiling now... Heaven or the heather or the miracles of weather, but you listen to the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beau-ti-ful thing, darling.. Is when I hear your heart beat.. beat... beat.. beat.. Is when I hear your heart.."

I like that song, fun to sing.. Fun to do 'the most.. bea-..ti-..ful thing I know..'
Now if only I could play guitar.. Well, working on it..

I guess I should clean huh.. Mm. I wish I didn't have so much to do..

Life

Tomorrow my older brother Alex comes over for about a week to visit..
It's been months. I'm excited to show him the new video games and to get an uber hug.
During the three day weekend they went to visit him, but I stayed home. So he'd better miss me, haha.

Today at 3:10 we went to meet the guy who may be giving me guitar lessons. Upon first impression my mom was like 'ooh great', just seeing him walk up with a dog and weird sideburns and a beard. XD But, upon talking to him, he was quite nice. For sure I'm going to take lessons with him. He sounds easy-going and interesting, and he was talking about how his prices were lower, how his conscience wouldn't leave him be if he brought up the prices to meet what they are at most places, because he thinks they charge too much. So he's a good person too. I start Saturday, one hour lessons once a week.

My Nana visited today.. I showed them my guitar and they were pleased. Gramps said I looked to have the fingers for it, etc etc.

And I'm tired now.. It's my bedtime, and I still have homework.

...... Cute makes happy?

Stuff I Shouldn't Think About

I shouldn't think.. It makes my head hurt and eyes ache.. Makes my fingers tingle and my heart cry.

Why? : http://www.deviantart.com/view/17898348/

That picture bothers me right now. Really does. Makes me a lot more tired and makes me fo.. rg... et how life continues...

........ *sigh* God do I need those lessons or something to start.. I need to just.. stop thinking. When you have too much time to think you die inside.

Song of a Lonely Mockingbird

Mmmmm..
Twelve nights ago in bed I lay
happy girl whose smiles lit day
and between my eyes and far away
for every smile I'd hope and pray
that once, please, that once I may
meet him, strange in many ways

between the clouds and past the sun
my mind would play
and my soul would run
to daydreams that spread open arms
and promised me
never to harm

But not all word may be kept
and not all tears are held inside,
I wept
and wings of hope
and what was dreams
that lit the day and little things
fell away with each of feathers
and then came gloom and stormy weather
to dampen any sprit
and to carve hollow in songs,
you'd hear it..
And so I'll sing of lonely mockingbird
who holds and flies on every word
that would keep warm upon a winter's night....
---

I guess I could sing this when I learn to play guitar.. My first song?

Old People Are Cool

I just got back from the retirement home. I was shown the 'computer lab' which was more a little corner by the stairway of five computers. Jeesh.. They run fairly well though, besides the frequent crashes. I was introduced by the guy who runs the home, and we talked a bit and such. He's nice. Talks slowly, I noted. It was interesting watching the old people wandering around, one petting a cat, another giving me a stare as he moved slowly across the hall. I think I'd work better with old people, as they're slow and quiet, while children are energetic and noisy. A calm atmosphere would be good for me to work in, as excessive noise stresses me out. Also I feel unintimidated by them, as they seem fairly calm and patient. The manager described them as like 'puppies' which was funny to picture. Anyways.. You don't actually have to know much. Just how to do the basic things of the computer.. And be willing to teach the old ones how. Which I indeed am.
I got introduced to Don, the computer guy, a man with a large belly and missing teeth with big glasses. I wasn't intimidated by the not so pleasant appearance of these people, because I know that it's just age, it doesn't mean much. He seemed to know what he was doing, and said he learned it all from a book, which I found surprising.
I started up a log in and tested it out, and it was quite simple.
I said I will be working there eventually for sure.

I'm looking forward to working there because I'd much like to talk and help out the elderly, as I don't really talk much and I like to feel like I'm helping.. I like to hear people's stories too.
I could run an art class or something, anything, too. And I noted on the bulletin board that if they were feeling lonely they could have a volunteer 'friend' to keep them company. That'd be fun. Anyways, I'll enjoy this.
-Tanya

Yay for Mom

Hurray for her. She's been busy today finding answers to things I needed done.
Such as.. I need to find a place to volunteer, and I need to find guitar lessons.

She found two places to volunteer. Ten Thousand Villages, a shop, and an old folks' home. Why an old folks' home? Because in kindergarten I remember reading my leprechaun story to people there, and I enjoyed it. There was one man with a wooden leg, and a lady who was blind whom I remember most well.
She actually found the place and asked around, and found they needed computer help. She asked and the guy said it was fairly simple, just some of them have no clue how to use them and are afraid to mess things up. So I may try there just to see how it is.

Also, she emailed one of the guitar teachers.. So I'll get into lessons eventually.

From Far Away Lands

Weston, 17 status: unknown, location: South--forgotten :P
Paul, 29 status: computer guy, location: Illinois
Joey, 16/17? status: angel, location: forgotten
Jaclyn, 19 status: unknown, location: unknown
Nikhil, 17? status: student, location: India
Renan, (age forgotten) status: ---, location: France (?)
Zac, 16? status: part time job/student, location: forgotten
Ariel, 15? status: art student, location: California
'Zandry', 15 status: 'ex', location: British Columbia


These are my internet friends.

Who do I talk to most?
Zandry, as of two days ago, no longer.
Weston is first, Joey is second, Paul is third, Jaclyn is fourth, Nikhil is fifth, Ariel is sixth, Zac is 7th, Renan is 8th

My Body, My Life, and My BODY HAIR

Yes. I've made the 'uncanny' decision to stop the nasty habit. Shaving. Such something I do not need to do, but do for the sake of men's eyes, which I happen to not care the least about. Why did I shave in the first place? With belief that it actually mattered. It doesn't. It shouldn't. And any guy who cares won't be the one for me.

We have hair for insolation. It's winter. I don't wear shorts, I don't wear skirts, so who cares. I'm boyish, very boyish. Doesn't hurt.

And I may as well have my legs match my lovely hairy arms, which I've been taught to loath. Sadly I do. But some see this as a good thing, surprisingly. I was dumbfounded at that my grandma was not complimenting my eyes, lips, face.. But my arms. She motioned to her bare hairless arms and said she wish they were like mine. I gave her an odd look for that. So if I can have hairy arms, why can't I have hairy legs?

I'm not going out, I just 'broke up' with the person I was never with in the first place, who neither could see me or hear me, nor love me.
Therefore, why the hell am I shaving? I don't appeal to guys at all, no guys like me, date me, or even talk to me, so why bother trying..? If it's for the sake of other girls and matching them, that's also something I don't want to do.

Maybe after a few weeks I'll parade around in a short skirt. Lovely legs, figure, but oh god, hair. Hair, omfg. Boys, shut up, get used to it, I'm naturally that way and there's nothing wrong with it. If any of you guys actually looked at me or talked to me maybe I'd change my mind, but considering they don't care, I won't care what they care about.

Though I'm giving up on my legs, underarm is an absolute no on not shaving. Because, to remain feeling clean and at all feminine, I've got to keep at least that up.
But gooodbye wasting an extra ten or so minutes trying to shave. *whistles*

Did you know that two weeks ago, a guy asked me if I was a girl? For god's sake.. I have a girl's face, lips, eyes.. I have hips, I have fine legs.. Sheesh. Just because you don't get to stare at my boobs doesn't mean I'm a boy. (I have no boobs) And just because my hair isn't to my shoulders doesn't mean it either. *shakes head*
I'm not ugly. I'm just not girly. And that's all there is to it. Maybe I'm just a feminine guy to them. Interesting. Maybe taking weight training makes me a dyke to them. Greeat.
But whatever.

To hell with a man's standards. We have to cook, clean, give birth, take care of the children... We have to be beautiful and not age, we have to be sexy and we have to wear painful shoes. We have to be all they can't. We have to not be lazy, we have to do far too much for them. Therefore, to hell with it. I'm never doing that, ever. I'll be what society calls ugly, and I'll enjoy every minute of my freedom. I'll roll in the grass and ruin my pants, I'll never wear jeans, I'll wear plain tshirts, I'll never shave and I'll dye my hair, someday shave my head. And such will be heaven.

Yesterday and the Day Before

An acoustic guitar....


Joey, the angel, helped me out on a bad day. Basically the last of dreams faded, and I was once again betrayed by hope. I didn't know what he was really until that day. I don't believe in god, I don't believe in angels, yet somehow it's all convincing. Or maybe I just need something that I can believe just to keep me going. If he's not an angel, he's a pure genius, kind and living his life to save all he can. A real angel or not, such a title would be one he'd deserve.
Claims they've been talking about me. I wonder what they'd say. I needed help huh..?

Now I've been rendered to empty, with the loss of another friend and dream.

I told my mom the news. She decided, she's got to help me by finding me a way out. Something to do, something to concentrate on...
So, we search for a guitar.

We look around for a good store, and ask one and they recommend Dusty Strings.. We go there.
Of course we're oblivious to what exactly we're looking for... I've never even touched a guitar in my life. I know I want an acoustic one though. I've listened to Frente and Alison Moyet, and the acoustic songs are always beautiful. I like the sound of acoustic as well..
The lady who works there shows us different kinds, and the one I like best is the 'cherry wood' acoustic guitar... Warm colored and light, good size and feel.
The lady teaches me different chords.. She says I'm doing well for it being the first time. The other person who works there decided what size would be good, and teaches me some simple songs and how the guitar works in general. I love the sound and I ask my mom if I can please please have it. She hesitates but says okay.. because she bought my little brother a very expensive drum set, so it's my turn. It wasn't terribly expensive, just a little more than she'd want to pay when I didn't know how to play. I'm really eager to learn how, and want to take lessons as soon as possible.. So we just have to find some local people who teach it and I'll get going.
I love having a guitar in the case on my back, just feels neat... I can't wait till I can play things..

Empty With Cranes

I'm tired and empty.
Therefore depressed. Depressed without the sadness. Just that feeling you get that all is hopeless. That nothing in life is for you, that no one really cares nor would. And when they do, it never works. It only brings pain, and false happiness.

are you gone
did you just fly away
the sun is gone away
and I can't seem to find my way

are you gone
just like in dreams you said
and dreams should never die
and I just want to hide away
---
Maybe I'll glow..
And tap my toe
But somehow I know
I will feel low

Maybe I'll laugh...
Maybe I'll smile
And we'll have fun
For a little while

..But when I go
When there's no Hello
Somehow I know
I will feel low

The sun will rise
High in the sky
And maybe I'll grow
But today I feel low..
----
I feel those days without end
when we used to be friends
those summer days were spent
in search of hope and happiness

we used to while away our days
in a beautiful haze
I guess I knew one day
that you'd be moving long away

you said go back to your dream
back to your wilderness
go back along the walk
maybe you'll find some happiness

I wept a thousand tears for you
for my love that came true
and soon I realized
I'd always dreamt it'd come to this

And though that time passes by
and that our lives have changed
but our love was special
our love was strange

And though my heart broke
in time it did mend
except when I think about the time
that we used to be friends
----
There's a bright full moon in a sky of jewels
To light the way for all God's fools
There's a beaten path towards the truth
Way past the clouds on the road through youth

...So tired now as she walks down the road
For the burden of love is a heavy load
Through the forest so.. her soul to wring
For she knows it
DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING...

...Years go by... now is then
The sun will rise and fall again
for who she waits ...she does not know
Maybe love...Maybe hope

Yeah she's just waiting for the bells to ring
For her heart to cry and her soul to sing
Why ! Listen to the sound of the angel wings !
Let's just see what the angles bring...

Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?

One slots out and another slots in
They'll stick when it's thick
Then they'll split ...

Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?

All lyrics are by the Cranes.

I'm amazed.. Appalled...

So they haven't forgotten me...

I felt I was completely alone.. But I'm being watched over..

Tears again. Deceived again and again and again and again

Every happy day of my life ends sad....... ... Tears

Love me, and only me. And never lie. Never lie. Never ever lie. Never steal my heart when it's not the one you want.
Lead me on you have.. It's all you did. False love, false dreams, false care.

No one loves me. No one thinks I'm pretty. And no one would pay me any mind.. Lying about this does nothing but hurt.
Following the only one who pretends this is true is worse a fate.
---

I see someone who has all the same interests. The same mind, the same eyes, everything I ever wanted. Romantic, wonderful, sweet.. And I find, I may never have him. Nothing hurts more. And when I believed I could have him, the news is sprung. I love her not you. You waited for me in vain. Nothing hurts more.

A heart without a home.

Love

Your voice, your eyes...

...your hands, your lips...

Our silences, our words...

Light that goes...

...light that returns

A single smile between us both

In quest of knowledge...

...I watched night create day...

...while we seemed unchanged

O beloved of all, beloved of one alone...

..your mouth silently promised to be happy

Away, away, says hate; never, never, says love

A caress leads us from our childhood

Increasingly I see the human form...

...as a lover’s dialogue

The heart has but one mouth

Everything ordered by chance

All words without aforethought

Sentiments adrift

Men roam the city

A glance, a word

Because I love you

Everything moves

To live, only advance!

Aim straight for those you love

I went towards you, endlessly towards the light

If you smile, it is to enfold me all the better

The rays of your arms pierce the mist

-Alphaville (1965)

Giiiirly Day

Very very giiirly.. Haha.

One word. Pedicure. Like, totally, yes. Hahah. Oh gawd. -__-;

Anyway..
Last year for my birthday my parents bought me a basket of bath products from a school auction, and it was mostly foot stuff (I hate feet) and one thing was a freaking 45 dollar pedicure gift certificate! What the f--!
I put it off the rest of school and all summer, and now decided to do it before it expired. I've never had a pedicure before. Beeecause, I hate feet. I was emotionally scarred from my brothers' smelly feet with athlete's foot and peeling and nastiness.. So I have this icky thing with feet. Feet are gross, smelly, and gross-.. Yeah. I can't stand them. If they use my blanket and their feet touch it I refuse to use it afterwards. And I hate when I'm sitting in the morning barefoot and someone's freezing cold foot brushes against my ankle. It's like, ahhhhh...
Yeah, enough about my foot phobia..

So damn. 45 dollars.. what the hell are they going to do to me? Haha.. Like an hour's worth.. *twitches* I hope I'm not super ticklish or something.

This morning I was really grumpy. My hair was a greasy rat's nest and I was curled up under my covers, unwilling to come out as I was annoyed at my little brother, who had a friend over for a sleepover.
I waddled upstairs to look around DA and junk and felt miserable.
I went back to bed because I didn't want to be around Carson.

Mom came down, I told her through chat (though we were across the room from each other, ha) that I was grumpy.

And why my mom is the best mom in the world...

She gave me breakfast in bed.. ^__^ Make eggs and toast and hot chocolate and orange juice in a wine glass, hahah.. And a potted plant..
And then she set up a freaking candle-lit bath for me. O__o... .. Huh.
I gave her many hugs.
She does this randomly about once every four months or so..
She french-braided my hair and we went to the mall to look for a rug because my room's rug is gray and I was thinking it'd be nice to have something more.. warm..
I dressed up in my very cool shiny dress.. It's a costume but I like to wear it. It shinnes.. Everyone stared as I walked by, and it was really fun.
Some months ago I managed to spill a very large drink of pop all over the table at the food court, but today my mom did. I found that funny. Her turn!
Mom did the 'hold up hand test' and found I was shaking more than usual. "damn, the meds aren't working huh.." I shrug.
I have fun weaving between the booths in the middle, avoiding advertisers that harass you to buy their crap. I find it fun. It's a dodging game. "HAHA~! I dodged another one!"
People selling cellphones (I don't have one and don't want one) and useless stuff...
So I had fun today. It was raining hard but I enjoyed myself.
(I was writing this before I tried the pedicure)

Soo.. That was interesting. It was fine except that I had a hell of a time trying to keep my toes still. It's like, arg.. It's like trying to keep my hands still! My hands shake a little constantly, and trying just makes it worse. Same with my feet, it seems. I felt sickeningly girly afterwards. Crimson toenails and walking into a 7-11. A guy grinned at me upon entry. Mom said I was 'glowing', that I should wear my hair like this everyday. I was also wearing a white skirt (Zandry, do you remember that? *laughs* I do) and a light gray jacket with a gray shirt, I dunno, just slightly angelic. Especially with my hair like this.. I swear it makes me even more innocent and earthy looking. I really like it.

So.. It was good. I had an interesting conversation with the pedicure lady... She randomly blurted, 'so, do you have a boyfriend?' and I laughed and said no, not yet. She told me about her last boyfriend.. Said he had long thick hair to his waist and liked 'romping with the fay'. I was thinking, 'OH MY GOD! Who is he? Damn!' because I love fairies and earthy stuff and guys with long hair are positively beautiful.. Especially to their waist. ^___^ He literally believed in fairies though, which I found interesting. Fairies are wonderful.. Mischievous.
The lady was quite homely and nice, so I was comfortable, though she mentioned how I was not. Indeed. Trying to keep my legs from shaking and toes still and trying not to think was hard. I can't really nap when I'm trying to keep still.
Afterwards my legs felt similar to jello and I was trying to keep from being shaky.

Anyway.. Was a good day. Girly.. It's scary. Girls are scary. Feeling like a girl is scarier.. o__o Weird.
--

By the way I feel similar to a frightened doe right now..

Stress

I wish Carson wouldn't have friends spend the night.... I wish he wouldn't take up my only three day weekend. It stresses me out. I have to watch my image, comb my hair, I can't be myself. I can't walk out of my room in pajamas without feeling odd. Can't sing, can't play music, can't dance, can't laugh. I hate it. I can't watch things without him crowding behind me with his friend to see what I'm doing. I can't watch funny Japanese TV shows without the worry that it may show too much breast or maybe it has bad language. Such things don't matter to a girl, but to a little brother it's not good to see.
I hate this.. I had a bad dream too. I dreamt my parents were arguing, my mom brought someone over whom she'd only just met... ....... Sigh sigh sigh.
Carson's ten times as loud and annoying. He hums to himself and it all gives me a headache. I haven't taken a shower so I feel like a slob and worry what they think.
I have social anxiety for christ's sake.. I worry how people see me, what I say, and when people come over it completely ruins any comfort I have that day.
I get paranoid, if I find a cute drawing of a couple I can't look at it, I can't think, I can't write much, I can't look at a picture of Zandry if I wanted to because I'd worry that someone would see, I can't do anything.
I loath this.

Mouthed Tastes and Thirst to Yearn

Sweet candied mouth. Tongue joyed of taste to thirst. Thirst for more than drink. Eyes linger on pretty things that warm inside and flow to heart. Feelings imagined as close as possible. Warmth, flesh, closer than close. Only like the touch of a hand is as far as thoughts reach. Sweetness savored. Lips fold to discontent. How far and how long. Saved for one. And fear of what to be lost that hasn't been earned. How long my mind has saved me. How long it provides what is not taken nor given, nor felt. Years of your wishes may be seen with faded faces and blurred images. Forever changing, forever reverberating inside. Black to brown to pale to deep.. Thin to bold to tall to dark.. Gentle to harsh to sweet to dangerous. How long shall it last me. One side cannot give. One side cannot satisfy. Unpredictable is only what is given, not what is taken from the so predictable. ...

.. How long..? Sweetness fades with what was simply sour, from the inside out. Warmth cannot branch within those who are rendered cold by all around them. No trust can remain for oneself when it is not known that it is true. Reassurance. Make it honest and make it glow. Make it truth. Only another does. Our eyes, blind to ourselves, but give me eyes and I can see. Give me your eyes to mouth to save what's left and melt the lies...

Pale Leaf, Pink Sweet, Persephone... Awesome Day

*whistles*

When I start imagining hearing Ivo then I know I want to listen to it. Title is some of the lyrics.
I absolutely adore Cocteau Twins. Pitch the Baby is great. And Carolyn's Fingers.... How I love her amazing and incomprehensible voice.
I think Pitch the Baby is my favorite song now. With Cherry Coloured Funk and Alice.. Those three are really fun to listen to. They have soo many songs I can't believe I missed Pitch the Baby, it's so pretty.
<3

Today was awesome..!!!! I must say. The last day of the quarter ended with a bang.

In the morning I carried all my crap (a bag of green apples, textbooks in a bookbag, my backpack, and my lunchbox) to the Biology room and then went down to the custodian. My mom was making me get a locker. Which, is understandable. My idiot older brother whom I followed directions of told me not to get one. Well, last year I didn't, and it was perfectly fine. But this year we have so many textbooks..
I go down there and find it successfully, which I'm glad of.. I run into the custodian who had just come down and get a locker. My combination is quite easy. I decide to find my locker later during lunch. It's on the third floor.

In biology we all conducted a taste test. I brought green apples and we were seeing if salt really did make it less bitter. I didn't know I'd need four apples, glad I got extra. So I kept track of it and then went around and tried everything.. The by far grossest one was grapefruit. I'm picky, and it was bitter. That was okay, but..... I nearly gagged when I had it with salt. I couldn't swallow it, I ended up eventually spitting it in the garbage. So incredibly gross.... But it wasn't as bitter. Still really really nasty. I had a carrot and the flavor still lingered so I continued to munch on it till I didn't feel like choking.

In second period, we did NOTHING! Mr. Ehrich, I salute you. We delivered the Roosevelt High School newspapers to all the classrooms instead of anything we'd be doing that day. I kept quiet and didn't deliver because I don't know the school well enough and would get lost easily. He noticed me when everyone but about three were gone, and he said "Kept a low profile so you wouldn't have to go? I bet at home when they give out chores you just keep quiet and end up not doing them" I laugh. "Nah, I was afraid I'd get lost, I'm not good at finding my way around" "riiight.. I know your type.." Haha.
He actually called Courtney fat today!!! She was eating a bag of chips from the taste test, and he said "no wonder you're so fat" We were all so shocked that we cracked up. She's not fat though, so it's okay. Mr. Ehrich is the most satirical person I've ever met. He's really opinionated. He told Alex (girl) not to go to see the Rolling Stones, that she should support new local bands. Also we were looking at pictures of the White House, and someone asked if it'd be called the Black House if a black guy ever became president. Then he showed a picture "..and this would be what the Black House would look like" An ornate black building. We all laugh.
So today we passed out the newspapers, and afterwards.. He told us "we were going to have a quiz today, but because you passed out the papers, we won't do it" I was so so happy!! I was surprised he didn't give me one just to be mean because I didn't.

In third period, we had a firedrill. I heard someone threw firecrackers, according to Alex (guy).
We all went outside and it wasn't that cold. Either that or I'm immune now that I'm used to running in the cold and rain. When we got back we discussed topics etc etc... Nothing interesting.

Then I had lunch. I sat down in the commons as I usually do. The commons is a little room to the side of the lunchroom, connected with two double doors, just separate. It's more quiet there and the smell of school lunches is less bothersome. I sit with Sophie, Stephanie, sometimes Lex, Sonia, and now Artemisa.
Artemisa is my new freshman friend. I like her a lot. I actually had a dream of her last night. I dreamt she had a swimming pool and I came over to swim. I told her this and she laughed and said she wished she had a pool and wished I would come swim in it.
Artemisa is part Italian I found, just as I thought. She lived in Italy for a few years recently. She showed me her page of notes (band) and I said it looked tricky, but only because I have no idea how to read those. She said she didn't either in a way, because in Italy the note system is different, but close enough to not ruin it. I chuckle.
I went to Artemisa's house on Halloween, her mom likes me. She blabbed on the phone with my mom and mentioned how I'm quite pretty. (damn it Zandry, stop being right )
What's funny about Artemisa is that she's been wearing bright pink all week. Just like neon. Luckily not baby pink, but more of a dark pink. She always wears a little matching lipstick, which is fine because she's no makeup addict, just likes to look fresh. She always wears neat clothes (as in clean and pretty). Matching always and never messy. I would never be able to do that every day. She has a red Hello Kitty lunchbox. She said it's from kindergarten, and she still has it. Lex likes it, we all do. It has the canteen that pours into a lid that's a cup and all that neat stuff I remember. She always seems to have leftover dinners in her lunch.

Lex sat with us today, and he painted his nails again. It's a slight yellow-gold, kinda a pretty lemony color. He says "It's the only one I can weasel from my sister". I ask how old his sister is, and he says she's in 8th grade. I laugh and say that's amusing. Lex is a year older than us. He says to Artemisa, "it's scary that you're only a year older than her, I see her as so young" I know the feeling.

I don't stay long today because I had a lot to study, and wanted to test my locker out. I say goodbye early after eating most of my lunch, and depart.
I go upstairs and the hallways are fairly empty, which is always nice. And no one, unlike in middle school, bothers you for being at your locker early. It's nice.
I go find it.. Number 529. I have trouble finding it at first, I know I'm in the general area but don't know which side it's on. After a little while I find it. It's PERFECT!
I have trouble opening it the first time. The thing you turn is slick and loose compared to the old locks I remember having. I figure out how to open it, ends up it's really quick and takes a violent stop to get it right, haha. It's just you're at the last number right away, unlike you'd expect.
I open it and I feel relieved to have my own little space to put crap in for once. I unload my textbooks in there and my backpack feels ten times as light.
I keep my Japanese textbook and workbook with me.
The reason why the locker is perfect, is because its location. It's right next to the hallway with two of my classes, and on the same floor as my first class, Biology. Just to the left is my Math class, and next to that one is my Japanese class. It's great. So I can grab my books last minute.

I put it all away and close my locker, putting on the lock wrong at first (you know how it goes backwards and you're like, 'whoops')..
I go to the left to my Japanese class. The door is open.
The T.A., Alan, is eating lunch in there again with his friend whom I don't know the name of. The other person there is a guy who I think is Ben who wrote he'd help me in Japanese on the desk in math class. I just need to get the guts to ask if it's him.
I think it's him because he's blonde and American looking but speaks really good Japanese. He talks conversations to the Japanese student. He said he used to live in Japan, when we were talking on the desk (writing on the desk every now and then).
Sadly I got moved in math class, therefore I no longer can talk. What's funny is I found out my friend Malia (I only know her a little, dunno if that's the right spelling) was sitting at that desk too.
I sit down and open my composition notebook and read over the sentences. It's really nice of sensei... Last test we took nearly everyone failed. I think I got 45 out of 100. Artemisa got like a 16. Malia got 84. Sensei said we could take an extra test today that would replace last test's score.
She actually gave us all the test questions and answers. We worked it out in class, she gave us the English, we translated them to Japanese. We learned the te form and te imasu. The way to make a verb a current action.
Also we have our normal vocab quiz. 30 words today. I studied that too. The words I needed to study were.. 'to type', 'is fat' (lol), 'is skinny', and 'is old'.
I also was in a mad rush to memorize the kanji for tabemasu (to eat).. Also words like 'new' and 'to play' and 'supermarket' (in katakana).. Because we lose a lot of points just for little mistakes, and I didn't know those words. Also 'to be married' etc..
Sentences were.. 'My older sister was married.', 'My dad has a new BMW', 'My mom works at the supermarket', 'My little brother is playing outside', 'Did you eat breakfast this morning?' 'Do you know this Japanese song?', and 'I'm living in Tokyo'.
To live is sundeimasu.. or something. I dunno.. Song is uta.. Breakfast is asagohan.. Married is kekonshimasu... To play is Asobimasu.. To work is haterashi..? Maybe.
I think I aced it as long as I didn't make some dumb mistake. Also with the vocab. I'm so glad.

Before class I sat down near the back as the T.A. was in my seat. I studied and Rich sat down next to me because he sat over there. He asked if I was ready and I said no, I need to study a bit more. He asked if I had first lunch, and I said yeah. (I now realize that's an odd question because we all have first lunch, being in that class). I said I ate in the commons. He said I should go down with him and.. Maybe he said Marshall? Or just him and people in general.. To Taco Del Mar sometime. I said yeah, maybe so. I asked where they meet and he said just outside. I don't like Taco Del Mar but at least I'd get out of the school for a bit.
Rich is okay, just a normal peer. He was cracking up over Star Wars episode three yesterday. He was telling me how it was hilarious how it was like Frankenstein when Anniken (can't spell) became Darth Vader.. And how it was like "Is my wife alright?" "You killed her in your anger" "Nooooooooooooooooooo-!!!!" and that it was hilarious.
He sits in the same group in Biology. I have a nice group. It's Charlie, Sarah M. , and him. I like all of them. Sarah's pretty nice and talks to me sometimes and Charlie is amusing. Rich is an average student. Sometimes funny, sometimes annoying, in general not the best student but okay. He doesn't bother me so I'm fine with him. Occasionally he tries to mooch off answers but everyone seems to do that sometimes. He thinks I'm smart, because he said "You know, you're like the quiet person who knows absolutely everything but never says it. Like the silent genius kid" That made me laugh. That was one of the first time he really said anything to me directly.
We sit and both go over the Japanese in our notebooks, and read aloud mostly in unison.

When Japanese class started, I moved back to my seat. I'm happy because I sit with Artemisa and Malia. Malia is a really nice girl. She's quite quiet but gets hyper like me, and we all had a doodle session together on the back of her paper. She draws cute funny pictures. Artemisa has a little dress designing obsession, she designs wedding dresses and I see her doodling occasionally. They're both freshmen, I'm a sophomore. Because they took Japanese in middle school, I didn't. This is second year Japanese.
I study and say I'm nervous, bobbing my leg. I go over the words in my head.
Tashibu knows everyone's a pretty bad cheater (most of us anyway..) so she passes out the 'great wall of Tashibu' to everyone. Basically a large piece of folding cardboard. Malia is once again in the 'insane asylum', as we call it, because she's secluded in the little cardboard prison. Last time she doodled all over the inside. Tashibu mentioned not to do it this time with a chuckle. We grin. I say I'm going to 'scale the great wall of Tashibu' at some point, forget why. She passes out tests and I do fairly well, but don't remember how to write the heading in Kanji. Oh well.

So she lets us out five minutes early... Very nice of her. I go to my locker again and get stuff.
Then I have weight training and conditioning. I'm one of two girls in the class. I change early and then go around the gym to the entry to the boys' locker room. The locker rooms both have staircases. I wait at the top. The door to the gym is locked again, so the guys are crowding the top of the staircase. I wait outside for a while, as I'm fine, even just wearing my tshirt and sweatpants. When they leave I open the door and go in. No one pays me any mind, and I wait. About ten minutes after the bell for class to start rings they finally finish changing. I usually wait at the top. Lex says hello to me, and sometimes tells me if it's all clear to go down. Sometimes I go down and into the boy's locker room, because Mr. Katinas has little lectures and tells what we're doing. I go in and note they're making a lot of noise. I Julian what's going on. He says instead of running we have a free day today. Ahaaa.. No wonder. That was great news. We all go up and into the gym. We find it's actually occupied with people doing a test, and Montzingo (the midget ^ ^) apologizes, saying he forgot. We do our warm up exercises in the very cramped hallway between the two sections of the gym. 'High knees', 'butt kicks' (lol, well, that is what they kinda are), 'straight leg skips', 'hand-walks', etc..
When the people are done doing the quiz in the gym (other class) we go in. Most people play basketball, others play soccer. The other half of the gym plays badminton, which is Montzingo's class (individual sports). I don't feel like doing anything and am sore, so I sit down. After a while I think of a question. I go up to Mr. Katnias and Montzingo who are talking, and ask if I can take weight training for two semesters in a row. Katinas says I can, but he won't be teaching it next semester. He says Montzingo will during first and second period. He says "oh yes, and I know Tanya, she was in my individual sports class last year". Then he says "There are two girls in each of my weight training classes, it's great.." Katinas agrees. "They work so much harder than the boys! If I could I'd take a whole class of the girls, because they're so impressive" "And they have the best form" Katinas adds. I laugh.
I go back to sit down. Some minutes pass and Katinas calls me back, asking if I can deliver some papers for him. I do so. I feel happy to get out and wander the halls alone. I go to the room and open the door, giving the teacher the papers. It's a Spanish class. I'm glad I decided to take Japanese instead, after two years of Spanish.
I head back and then sit on the bleachers in the gym. Minutes pass. Suddenly the lights go out. People scream a little just to show their reaction, and I look around. I wonder if someone was pranking, but Julian points out that a fuse blew, as he sees people looking at the fuse box etc. I say that I hope the whole school went out, because that'd be awesome. The gym is dim but not dark, as light comes through the rafters.
I see Lex across the gym from Yoga class, and go say hello. I play badminton with him and some friends. He's not so good at badminton, maybe because his glasses. He goes over to another court and I go one on one with someone I don't really know. We have a heated match and are about even in skill.. We play for a long time, and some people sitting down watch. After a while I get tired and stop.
There's five minutes until class ends.. I go and ask Katinas "isn't it time to go?" Katinas says the power went out for the whole school, so we have to stay here. We're in lockdown until the power goes on. I cheer to myself.
Some time goes by and I wait around in the side hallway near the gym.. The Yoga teacher says she'll take us girls down so we can change. The Yoga people already have..
She goes down with a flashlight. The locker room is pitch black, which I find awesome and eerie. She goes row by row, shining the light so we can open our locks.. I have the last row at the end, and slowly open it. She goes back to the first. I change in the dark, feeling for my clothes. I manage to successfully. In the dark I go to the room where the baskets to lock up your clothes are, and feel, first row, three to the left.. I slide it in and lock it. I go back and suddenly the lights go on. I hear over the intercom the principal, and he says that we can go to sixth period. I get my stuff together no longer blind to what things are, and leave.

I go to math class and we have 15 minutes of class. I regret not doing any makeup work, which I could have really used. I figured, I had been failing Japanese about a month ago, I need to focus on studying for that instead of doing math I don't understand in the least.
Sarah who sits in front of me talks about her power outage experience.

My math class is full of brats, so I really don't like it. There are at least five people who just make it hell for the teacher, and they all talk...
After that class ends I go to my locker again, and then outside to wait for my bus..
Alex (same guy who mentioned firecrackers) gives me a look for sitting in 'his' seat (the very first) and I laugh. I have the second stop, so I wanted to be near the front.

I really like some of the people on my bus. The freshmen are total idiots, but the older students are hilarious. Well, the freshman from my Japanese class is amusing.
Henry and Willus are brothers. Willus is a senior, Henry a.. sophomore or junior. Asian, Henry has glasses. Both are very similar in personality and make me grin. They talk about really interesting things and they're dramatic and just good humored.
Henry was the one who.. Let's see..
There was a day when a freshman guy asked what the drivers name was. Before the driver said anything, Henry said in a deep booming voice "I HAVE NO NAME" and everyone cracks up. It sounded like it was the bus driver, so it was great.

I go home and feel cheerful.
I don't think anyone will read this far. If you did, you deserve a cookie.

Ran three miles yesterday.. I am so incredibly sore this morning.

Last night I dreamt of a long orange lizard.

It was longer than a snake, it had legs at the front and at the back with a tail, but it stretched longer than a snake. It was about the size of a normal lizard in width.
I wasn't afraid but everyone else was. It slithered about skittishly and I kept my eye on it.

Don't know what else I dreamt.. wish I knew.

Eye'm bored.

Good luck Micheal... I hope you remember, and I hope you make it there and I hope they say yes.......
Please..

Aww.... T____T............ <3

*sniffles*
... wahh.. that's.... so nice of him.. T______T Ahh.. I'm so flattered and it's so sweet.. :(

He's writing me a cheesy (aka romantic) story staring me and him so I'll feel better because I'm sad. T___T Aww.................. ... *melts* T__T.. that's.. sooooooooo.... ... .... like.. squee.
I never thought anyone would do that for me in my life. T__T...
*sniff*..

Effin hell I'm hugging you tons when you get here Zandry!!! That's so incredibly sweet of you to do that. ;___;
Wahhhhh.. Can't express how nice that is. How much it means to me. Makes me feel like bursting with the flattered happy sweet feeling I get.

<3 <3 <3 <3 ~~~... I don't care if you're 'ugly', I don't care if you're a prankster, I don't care if you make mistakes, I don't care if you have a weird life, I don't care if you're odd, I don't care if you're confusing-- You'll always mean more to me than anything.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs I feel like reaching those miles and miles to give you a huge hug right now. I feel like running till I can't breath and calling a taxi and running more and running and running and dodging bullets to cross the border (hahhaha) and reaching your house in the cold and snow just to tackle you with hugs and smooches. XD
Mwah.
Sweet lovable hooligan. hahah
*giggles*

Animals.. are my adopted sons, daughters, cousins, brothers, sisters, children... .. They are intricate sense-filled masterpieces. Without mind for hate, jealousy, nor evil.. They are whom I look up to, whom I thank for all they give, whom I take care of. They are whom I protect and love. They are the things that make us continue to live. They are the things that make the world spin.
Worms move the dirt, that grow food and flower, that feed the bees, that spread more flowers.. Everything moves in a circle.
We were granted life at the top. We should be grateful. We did not earn this status. We were given it.
The native americans would know. They saw themselves as their equals..
I shall stop.

I'm sad.

My Official Idiot List

For the sake of memory, I'm listing all the people who've got on my bad side this year (or continuing from the past).


Nate - for calling the T.A. a dyke
Jerry- Really dumb and enjoys annoying the teacher by repeating things or saying " 'atta girl Ms. Harr".. Annoys all of us too.
Richmond- Jerry's friend, contributes to the annoying
Anna M. - She used to always copy my math homework, drove me nuts
Kennedy- sometimes funny, but his comments make him a general idiot, as well as not doing the paper for the group project
Tara- She can't stop talking during math
Amin- For some reason he just seems really slow, his voice is slurred and he's just kinda.. dumb.
Niko- He needs to go back to middle school..
Chad- He talked about getting drunk and socking someone in the face for being an 'idiot' (who's the idiot here..?)
Nick O.- For some reason his attitude really bothered me in middle school, I felt like he was trying to harass me
ALL the boys at the back of the bus- They shout things and flip off people
Lee- He always annoyed the Japanese teacher and he's dumb and selfish
The girl at the front of the bus- Talks on her cellphone constantly and talks about myspace and chatting 'like, eee!!'
Nick from lunch- he cracked too many sex jokes
Ashley- She won't be quiet and won't do her work! She just can't think of anyone but herself too


There are a lot more. I just don't remember their names. I'll add to this later.

Raking Leaves, Tearing Bushes

Dad's playing Pikmin.
Carson's doing homework, Mom's helping him.

Started to tear out the.... bush.. At about 4:30 PM.. Pulled out the vines and pulled it apart with my rubber gloves. It came out with a deft tug, unraveling in long pieces. A tangle. Sharp dry and dusty vines. We whack it with a broom over and over. Leaves fall to litter around the little garden. Slowly we can see holes through the tangle of branch and vine in front of the porch. I find two nests in the mass.
Still it stands, because it got dark out before I could master the monster of tumbleweeds.
We plan to replace it with something that looks more alive. The bush is still alive, but it has a thin layer of leaves, behind that is a tangle of dark brown twigs and vine.. and that's it. No flowers, very thin leaves, and not many. It's our 'privacy' for the porch. It blocks off view of the porch from neighbors and passerbys. I think the lack of privacy of the porch for a month for the sake of something to look at that's not so dead and dull is much worth it.

I raked the leaves earlier. All the worms that hid beneath the rotting leaves, a feast, were uncovered. I paused to bend over, unglove my hand and attempt to lift the worms to save them from the merciless rake.
I found a caterpillar, an earthworm, albino worms, worms, a potato bug, and a ladybug.
I carefully raked when I came close to the garden or the edge of grass, giving them time to escape.
I was wearing my Vans shoes (comfy), my green jacket, a blue tshirt, my moss-green skirt, and corduroy jeans.

Last Night's Dream

A murder mystery.
A middle aged women is at a bookstore, checking out. I'm in line with her. The cashier is a man who looks to be 25, with medium length black hair and a blank white tshirt. I listen in. They say something about religion. "I'm atheist" the woman says. I'm slightly surprised, she looks like she wouldn't be. The man is not. He slowly puts her books in a bag and stares coldly.
He follows her, and I follow them. I hear her yelling at him, and she punches him. He takes a small ax, and stabs her middle. She screams.
I am the only witness.
I tell authorities immediately, but the man cannot be found. "black hair.. a white tshirt..!' I exclaim. Different people are brought to me, but it's not him.
In another room, a young woman about 20 is being talked to. She is known to have strange visions and out of body experiences. She says she felt an evil within her. You see her spirit come right out of her, and it streams forwards and through the doors, forming the man in white, and the murder is shown again. It was her.

In a movie theatre. I look around.. A scary movie is showing, and I see a TV and a comfy looking couch. I figure it's for the parents with crying children to watch. I look at the screen. I see Abraham Lincoln and Washington in portrait form, animated.

A man is climbing the rickety metal stairs up to his apartment. It's downtown, and the stairway is going up a brick building. He's telling his story. He says he climbed up near the top, and then looked down. This was where his best friend killed himself. He looked down at the rubble at the bottom, a large garbage bin filled with boxes and junk. He sighs. Something catches his eye in the bin. On the very top is a piece of cardboard, large, consider how high up he is. On it is something written. He recognizes his best friends handwriting, and gasps. An apartment number.
He goes there, and is reunited with his friend who he thought died three years ago.

She hangs from the chandelier. The room is small, and the large chandelier hangs from ceiling to where the ground would be. But, there is no ground. The chandelier has both its jewels and delicate chains that spiral its form. The ground of the room is just open, and the chandelier hangs down to the next room. The chandelier is as large a seven people at least. It's brightly lit and glitters gold and diamond. Her long black hair hangs down, and her face is sullen. some of her hair is short, like it had been ripped, some is long. It reaches as long as her. She wears a deep crimson dress and her skin is pale, and she is entangled in the chandelier horizontally, but her head and hair hands down. One arm is free, the other is tangled.

I take my sword. In a crimson carpeted room, very fancy and victorian, I battle a man. He's quick. I takes steps back, parry and lunge. Blood comes from my wrist, a slow dodge. I doubt I can beat him, so I face my back towards an open door, where the room of the chandelier is. I back up as I dodge and attack. I turn around and jump towards the chandelier. My lady reaches out, and I take her arm and the chandelier swings with my weight and I hold tightly to her.

I stand in a room of an apartment, looking out the window. 'I always feel strangely afraid here' I look out the window. In my mind I can see myself laying there, beneath the gutter-pipe on the ground, dead. My eyes stare upwards toward the room. I cover my eyes.

Lost Her Marbles

*clears throat*

I'm losing my voice. And why? Because I just spent half an hour.... being anyone but myself.

"CARSON! You young whippersanpper! Get back up there like the cat you are! You stay there behind me, and *changes voice* CLIIIIMB Carson, CLIIIMB! CLIIIMB with those puny arms!!!! Just use your HEART Carson! Climb, boy, CLIIIIMB! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOOOU CAN DOOOOOooooOOoo ittttt..! DO IT FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOUR NON-EXISTANT LITTLE BROTHER!! *changes voice* Don't be falling, you silly bucktooth! Teeth the size of eyes! Well maybe not, but I AM RIGHT! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT! No falling whippersnapper! GET BACK ON THE COUCH! You're laughing huh? Laughing? LAUGHING? YOU LAUGHING AT ME BOY?? NOW YOU CAN'T BREATHE, HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHA!"

So basically I went on randomly to any babble that came to my mind, and let it out my mouth in a granny-immitation, shrieky annoying voice.

Huh......

"What did I feed you guys?"

*in weird voice* "Bad beef!!! Moooooo!"

Yeah..... Huh.



..... That was odd. I was opera singing babble and snapping at Carson in the voice of an old lady and pretending to be a nerd or someone from Dexter's Laboratory.
"Raaacer D-----!

Interesting.