Oh How Exciting!

I'm really happy right now. Feel like jumping around.

"Why do bad things always follow good, and the other way around?"

It happened. Last night was simply terrible, today is simply wonderful. I'm so so happy!
Because.. It seems like it'll work. My mom's talking to Zandry's grandma, arranging plans for him to come visit. I never in a million years would have predicted that we could see each other so soon.. I thought it would at least take a few years. And his grandma is really nice. I'm so surprised.. I wonder how mom started up the conversation. "Hi, I'm Laurie, mother of Tanya from the US.." Haha. Gosh. Strangers, nearly. Yet they seem to be chatting away, so it's going well, I know that much.

I'll try not to hope, but damn, this sounds good!

Jeeeeez

I think I did something wrong. I think I killed an animal, a person, or a spirit. Because karma or something was screwing with me.

Huh huh.. Last night was a bit of a hell. From the spiders to the pissed-off-ness to just the lack of sleep, it wasn't fun. Well, now I've had 8 hours of sleep, so I guess I'm okay. But my head is killing me.
Actually, my stomach, more-so.

I dreamt I went to this house... It was a family restaurant. They specialized in eggs or something.. And I helped cook. The old lady there gave me some stuff of hers she didn't want anymore I think.. Old keys, antique things...
Otherwise I didn't dream much..

I couldn't figure out where to sleep. Everywhere I went I saw a spider, and didn't feel like I could rest my head for a moment. I nearly walked into one when I came upstairs. I told Alex "I can't sleep I can't sleep!" and then he started poking me until I would go to bed, which I refused to do. So he just stood poking me for forever, as I spilled orange juice all over my hands trying to open it. Asked him if he could grab me some kleenex, he said no, I wiped my hands on my shirt.
Eventually I stumbled over to the couch, and watched him play video games. Then after a while I decided to play Animal Crossing, to find the entire town was covered in weeds. Well, it has been months.

*yawns*

At least dad was nice when he found me on the couch downstairs, before I found the swarms of spiders right outside the window. He didn't ask for explanation, just went it to my room and got me some blankets.
I must be still afraid of the dark, because that's why I wouldn't sleep in my room. Just as I flipped the switch, the bulb burnt out, and it was bad timing. Anyway, I didn't want to go into my room and sleep in there, not knowing what spiders were there at the moment. I had seen enough outside, and my room is the first place they seem to go.

I wonder what I do now? I guess I'll go on a walk and drink hot chocolate, despite the temperature. I have to get out, though. Oh wait, we should make that phone call.. And then I'll go out. Again, suspenseful. I hope it goes well.

Oh god..

This is going to be a long week..
My eyes, they burn. Haha.

I should sleep. Buh bye, hellions, and friends. Love you all. (kinda)
I'm going to sleep and clean my room. Hug Dobby. Sleep, sleep, dance, sing, laugh. And plan a way to bring someone far, right here, in front of me.
"My ideal date is in a box, in the backyard, looking at the stars and drinking drinks through swirly straws."
I love photobooths. And Ariel deserves a hug. She's far too nice to me.

Falling dreams, they burn in the atmosphere, just as they come close. I'm hoping fate won't say 'screw you' like always, but, he told me not to hope.

Ten More Minutes

Oh noes, what if they discover I write poetry? Then I'll be a angsty poet goth emo kid. Haaa.. Well well. The idea has sunk in.. Now I truly can laugh at it.

I remember, I told Mayre that I was grumpy. We were joking, talking of superhero names we'd have. I had grumpy in mine. "What? You're not grumpy Tanya! You're always smiling and laughing!" "..whaaa?"
I guess I smile and don't notice. Funny, mm? Well, I do smile a lot. I'm so tired during school, I guess I feel like I'd be too dead to smile. But, I do..? Hm. I had someone else say the same, so I guess I do.

It'll take a few days to be used to this. Staring at the list of people from hell, I feel like a freak in a tank at the freakshow. I'm glad they're illegal now, I'd be tanked for sure. What would they put on the label, though? And would they pay me to stand there? Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

It'll take a while for me to say things as easily and openly as I have before..
Waaait a second..
Since when have I given a damn about who knows my secrets, mocks me, and who thinks I'm stupid? I haven't. So why am I now? Back to the blogging!!!
--

Omg, Zandry, my dear 'internet boyfriend', you mean so much to me, I miss you, it's been a few hours now. I can't believe you're gone a week. Daamn.

Hahah. I like mocking myself. It makes life a lot more funny.
Mwahah.
--

Anyways, seven days feels longer than you'd expect. The daisies are gone... Darn. I'll have to make clover chains. Lay out there for a while.. I need some air. It's hot out, these days.. Maybe I'll run around, chasing squirrels in huge boots, with dear little brother. Or shall we fight in DOA? Maybe so.

That was so funny though..! When the squirrel stole his medicine! Hahah! Gramps.. That wasn't so smooth. He held out his little bottle to the squirrel, and the squirrel took it and ran up a tree. We stood under and yelled at it, laughing, as it chewed the label, trying to eat it.

"Race you to the tree!"
We ran back and forth and back and forth, and around Gramps. We were home alone, they took us to Green Lake. So we raced. At first I was bored, but then I was like "to hell with it" and decided to look as dumb as possible, running around in boots and a dress, running with Carson, who often lost his shoes.

I forget how fun those little things are. I need to race him more often. And look stupid more often. It's so funny.

I'll remember climbing that tree with Alex, how I was so afraid. "Damn, Alex, if you let me fall, you die!"
It wasn't that high up.. I'm afraid of heights.

I need to be with my brothers more.. I forget the laughs. I forget them fast. So this week will be a break for me. Time to be with Alex for the last week or so, and be with my mom, and little brother and dad too.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind chasing squirrels with me again.

Oh great..

Apparently I have visters from HELL.

http://hell.oddwebsite.com/viewtopic.php?t=4043

Hello there. Haha. I shouldn't have signed up for that damned place. =P Hell forums. I blame Alex. To hell with him. :D
Oh well.
Mwaha. He called me a camera whore, with an internet boyfriend. No wait, who just broke up with her internet boyfriend. Haha. Oh well.
I praise blog patrol for letting me witness the horror. *shakes head* Hah.. ha..

He sounds like Alex, waay too much. Well.. I guess I'm used to being laughed at for having an 'internet boyfriend' or whatever you wish to call it. But, who cares. Woot. That gave me a good wince.
Megatokyo isn't as good as it used to be..
Hm..
I guess it is the fun of the internet, isn't it? You can point at people and laugh. "Haha! That freak likes hamtaro!" and stuff. Well well... It's amusing how people enjoy mocking others.. *shakes head*

Hey. If you're from hell, why don't you just say "hi"?
You can. It'd give me an idea of how much stir and mockery I'm gonna get all over the internet. Well.. Again, I don't really care. *shakes head*
It'll make me miss Alex less, older bro. I'll have the internet to mock me instead of him. Hahaha.

But jeez, I'm not that bad, am I? Yeeesh.. I have a good friend in a different country whom I like, is that such a problem? I'm gloomy a lot, I like to talk a lot, is that so bad? Well, whatever. I feel like I'm talking to myself.
--

Staring at my hands. They shake. Hoo hoo. Nothing better to go to bed to than 20 people laughing at you, and more to come. Well well.. Smile. I made you laugh. So.. I'll laugh with you?

Haha.. Oh my god.. this girl is such an idiot.. Hahhahahaha.
She fell for someone who she can't see, she's the classic teen of today, full of angst! With her beloved internet boyfriend. She chats with him everyday, haha. Angsty angsty emo kid. Silly teenager. She likes anime, god, how can she? That shit is way too dumb. She dyed her hair! Goth! Haha..


I'd go cry in a corner, but I'm too old for that, so I'll laugh. I'm used to people saying "fuck you" from those years of the hair dye, so it's no different. Just wave hello to the visiting fools, and smile. You're not one of them. You're not one who points and laughs at people you don't know. So.. Smile. Everyone.. Is so full of stereotypes. People are people, I have no labels to stick on each I see. I see a person, a soul, and a way of life. So I don't care how many think I'm that angsty kid. Because I can smile, even knowing this. Assume all you want. ..
I'll try not to hate you.
Alex is right. High school is full of idiots. That's why I don't have many good friends. Hm..
Well, surprise, no spam. But I'll wait, carrying a bat and two wavering hands.
I'll try not to hate you. Well well.. What a lovely thing. Zandry is gone for a week.. Try to smile.
I remember, he shouted it out the window at me. He said "FUCK YOUR PURPLE HAIR" as loud as he could while he drove by. My grandma was with me. I felt tense, awkward, and then shrugged. It's the price I pay, to be colorful. Life is boring. So I spice it up with odd clothes and colors. I smile at strangers and wonder, who are you? Where are you from? Why are you here? But no answer will ever come to me. My camera, I have to capture each moment. I must remember those fun days, so when it gets bad, I can look and smile at that. I have to take a picture, and remember, I was that ugly, and he doesn't care.

Funny. Are any of you related to Alex? "why don't you go update your blog with some angst?" "you're such an idiot!!!" "I can't believe you and your internet emo boyfriend"

"Can you punch him for me?"
"Sorry, he's too fast"

Hm... It awakens some anger. Memories.
Whacks and pain and self-conscious.. Mood swings, shaking hands, stuttering voice. Being called a freak, being stereotyped on first glance, never saying a word. I remember it. The guy who thought it'd be funny to dirty dance in my face at the dance, as I sat to the side, reading my book.. I wanted to kick him in the balls so bad, but I knew I'd be blamed. The guy who stared at me, trying to scare me. The one who followed half way home.
The one who walked right behind me, saying to his friend "Hey, think I can scare her?" so I could hear, terrified. Life is funny, isn't it? Pain gives strength. I can't believe what assholes every year awakens. I can't believe how many people will want to be cruel to you, just for being yourself. I can't believe.. But it's life.

I want to talk forever. Because I'm pissed off at life. But.. ... .... ... I don't have the time. I can whine all week, when I'm lonely and tired and worried. I can go downtown and dance and run and drink hot chocolate.

I wonder. How people sleep at night, knowing what they do to others?

Oh well. Nikhil, Renan, whoever reads, don't worry about me. I'm just remembering how it was.

An Affect, The Past

Screenshots... They tell a lot of a moment... Remembering.
--


May 22nd, 2005.
I was listening to The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite by REM.

It was 3:04 PM. I was talking to you....

-

I don't look like that, even so, because damned camera distorts things and you can't see in detail. I'm tired looking and drab and blah.
Whatever, I've seen my friend on webcam, he looked exactly the same as he did in person.
Maybe increased contrasts explains the pretty colors with my photos, which make me look better than I do. *shrugs*
You look great, I don't care what you say
..*shakes head*
-pokes your forehead-
Then why doesn't anyone else agree, even when trying to be nice?
If no one else agrees, they're blind
-

Well do you want me to come down there and meet you in person and tell you that?
ha, yes
fine, I'll be there in July
sure thing *thumbs up* I'm counting on you to find a way and an excuse
I don't need an excuse. All I need is money
Where in Canada are you, hmm?
british columbia, right above you
that'll be neat, if you're at all serious
just gotta get like, $500
too much to spend
and a passport, don't know how to get those. Well, whatever it takes to convince you.
Haha *shakes head and laughs* I'll believe it when I see it. And when I hear that.
Oh, but you will
^__^ and then I'll be able to tell you you're not ugly, and you have to believe me
And I'll pretend I never heard you and fly away
hahaha, that's cruel
Whatever gets the work done
I'd glomp you before you escaped o__O
I'd pick you up, throw you into a cab and have it drive away
-

I think taking a plane is my best bet, likely
By yourself... o__O?
Of course.
I've never done that
Me neither. But how hard could it be?
-


I'm no more pretty than anyone else.
But you are
Whatever
it's true
lol, I can't believe it, you know. You may see it that way, but I can't see myself as it. You're the first who's said it
See? Now I know there's something wrong with your eyes
Ha. I'll believe I'm pretty once I have any reason to, besides what you say, there's no reason.
I know there's others whose thoughts are exactly as mine
Explain, why am I the only one who seems to not know any guys, hmm? If so pretty, why is it a problem?
Then the guys there are messed. There's no other explanation.
I thought pretty was pretty. Long perfect hair, perfect face, nice eyes, small nose, petite-ness and crap. That's what I see being viewed as pretty all around me. If guys talk to girls, they talk to them.
That's hollywood pretty, it's incredibly fake
Ha, I see a lot of hollywood girls, and everyone is quite taken by them
Every time I see them I question how long it took them to put on so much makeup
*chuckles*
All the actresses, I question how much of their face was there when they were born and how much of it is plastic
At least you can see past that. Maybe pretty to you, but not pretty. If someone's pretty, more than one person finds them to be.
True enough
so, there you go
who says others don't see you like I do?
my eyes, my ears, what I see everyday. It's too bad there aren't more like you
You'd be surprised. I'm very sure I'm right about this, whether you see it or not, it's there
Well, not here, it seems
Your eyes need adjusting
I do appreciate that you think so, and I suppose I prefer that the guys who see through the makeup and fakeness of it all would be the only ones who would like me. By definition, not pretty
Your definition is wrong
Ha, what's your definition
Don't have one, a definition is a restriction, I just know what I find pretty/beautiful
... ^ ^;
And you, are
ugh, whatever you say *can't think of a response*
cuz you know I'm right
noooo.. more I'm flattered/embarrassed, and what do I say to that?
you say.. you're right. Because I am, I bet I could find others who think the same
-



What he saw.

Stubborn.
Hah, me stubborn?
Very much so
What about you? It's plain and true yet you deny it
mm.. ph.. how is that pretty?
How is that not?
I look tired, dead. Hair's a mess, nose is big, circles under eyes
Keep in mind we've been talking for 13 hours straight, and your nose isn't big, it looks fine
lol. I always look like that. I'm always tired, and I always look dead.
You look quite alive to me
Jeez, it's as impossible as arguing religion
Ever since I've seen that first picture of you I've thought this
*laughs* I look like one of those sad homeless kids, looking closely.. =P
hah, no
with the big sad eyes and-- haha, whatever, that's what I see. I see a tired person who looks.. I dunno. Weary.
Your vision of yourself is very messed
Weird weary hopeful stare. Ha. I see through myself, I see who I am. And maybe that just amplifies how I see myself.
You've convinced yourself you're someone you're not
how do you know? I'm a weary, tired, bored, lonely, hopeful person. I'm trying to see through your eyes, but I see not much more.
Ok, what I see, a very pretty girl, full of incredible ideas, very smart, with poetry that inspires and photos that are to die for, and an amazing personality with the only flaw being your self image
...
That's what I see and that's what I believe you are
jeez, you shouldn't say all that. I might start to like you. And that makes it hard
Makes what all hard?
I dunno.. I might get attached to you
See, if you just believe me, cuz it's so true, everything would be a circle
What's that supposed to mean.. Shaky handed
I'm not really sure
haha, I can actually see my hands shaking. Kinda creepy.
Why are your hands shaking?
I dunno...
odd
no one's ever said that. How could it now-- I don't know, disconcert me?
what?
disconcert, shock/shake up. Take by surprise, disconcert
cuz it's true?
Ah..Unbalance, unsettle, ruffle, psych out, that's what it means
ok. Really, if that doesn't convince you, I'm left with the plane
Did you really have to do that...
Do what?
say all that
Yes, yes I did
now now, why I'm completely disconcerted by it all is.. I already learned the problem with all this, and the hard way.
hmm?
*laughs and shakes head*
-pokes your forehead-
you care, and if I find that no one seems to, I'll like you. You live far away. And this happened to me already, and even if I do, I'll always like you, because you were the one who told me. And I get too attached to people. So now you're screwed.
hmm...
if you were just trying to make me think I was pretty, you shouldn't have said that, because now I'm given the impression that you really do care, and therefore- I don't know. I know me.. I do this. You can't stay in contact with people who are far.. They fade away, eventually. And when you do this, even with him, who didn't care about me, it hurt a lot when they did.
Stupid question, but I guess you couldn't forget what I just said?
tsh, and now you realize. That's the problem with me, you know? I'm a fool
nah, not a fool
yes, a fool. I allow myself to do this crap. And don't you know, that's why he left
well, he was dumb
I got too attached. I talked to him for a long time, like this. It was exactly like this. Except he had me over time.
ok
I'm sorry
no need to be sorry
-

So, was the beginning of this. Five months ago. If I'm correct, it had been the third time we'd spoken to each other. We talked for more than 12 hours. Fear took me after he said that. Because I don't take people saying that lightly. And I don't take it lightly when I'm called pretty, when I'm half asleep and a complete mess. And when they actually sound honest. That was Zandry, debating with me.

So what has happened since then...? I warned him of my tendency to grow very attached to people... I was friends with him for some months... We talk nearly everyday.. I asked him if he would be my boyfriend, though the distance. He said he didn't know. I eventually found that he was in love with his best friend, Felicia. For a few days I was shook up and just sad, and then I asked him if he wanted me to leave, disappear. I wondered why he'd want me around, I'd be a bother and a burden. I questioned my worth and questioned how I knew this would happen.
The first time I had made the mistake, with Michael, I stayed far too long. He didn't want me to be there, he didn't want to tell me that he didn't want me around anymore. I refused to accept the truth.
So I asked Zandry if he wanted me to leave. I didn't want to be in a painful awkward friendship, split between friendship and love.
He refused to choose. He told me it was my choice, that he had nothing to say. I couldn't get anything out of him, that day. What do you want me to do? He said, again, for me to choose. I asked him if I should leave today. He says he has no opinion in this. I try to get him to tell me. I know how he refuses to express how he feels. I finally get something, along the lines of 'why do you have to leave? it's bull' or something. With that, I decided to stay. I sighed to myself 'well, here I go again, into a friendship that'll someday crash down somehow' I had assumed that at the start.
I found that he loved both Felicia and I. A love triangle.
So slowly the days passed and tension lessened.. The only large difference was, I didn't flirt with him, and '*hug*' was now replaced with '*friendly hug*'. This irritated me a lot, to tell the truth. We had a habit of saying something daring at the end of each conversation, whoever was leaving first would say something and then run off. Like maybe if I was going, I'd say '*kisses you*' and sign off as quickly as possible, before he could respond. That also diminished. Maybe we'd just say 'friendly hug', and I'd be like 'arg, how I loath the friendly hug'. So it went on like that. We talked as we did before, still daily. It became a lot more rare and infrequent, sending him pictures of me (pish, it was his request, no way else to see me). I didn't know how I should act, so I felt a bit limited and hesitant of any conversation. Days went by, and went by.
Just as the summer had started he had told me that his best friend's parents wouldn't let them talk, all summer. This is before I knew he loved her. He said, her parents didn't trust him.
So after days went by, out of the blue when we were talking, he told me that Felicia had told him last time they'd spoken, that her parents would never let them date, and that they have to remain friends. I blinked at that, and wondered why he said it, without sounding sad, and in a 'guess what' sort of voice. "huh" I said. "so.. does this mean I have a chance?" He said it did.
After that, things became as they were before I asked him if he'd be my boyfriend. Because, after all, he said "If it weren't for Felicia I would have said yes" And though that phrase haunted me, as the only reason it couldn't be, it made it easier, now.
I have a chance.. That made all the difference. Though we may never be bf/gf, I don't have to hesitate to joke and flirt or whatever I feel like doing.
More days went by. I remembered faintly my mom mentioning going on a trip with me, just the two of us. I asked her, can't we go visit Zandry in Canada? She thought about it, but decided it was much too far to go.
Zandry and I talked for a long time one night. "I wish you could come here...." I said. After a while, though I knew it was stupid, such a dream, I asked myself.. 'why in the world can't he?'
I looked up the cost of plane tickets. $219 for the way here, $219 to go back. I decided, he'd pay to come here, I'd pay for him to go back. We talked a long time, looked at the website, got confused, I called him 'hun', he gave me a weird look, I laughed, asked if I could call him that, on occasion. Don't remember what he said, but I had to promise to never, ever, call him something like.. Oh I don't know, just think of one of those really dumb names that people call each other.. Honey bunny or something. He said he'd never speak to me again if I ever called him that. If I'm right, that night we talked all night, we were both half asleep, and he said some things that caught be by surprise, leading me to say "I can't believe you said that" he said "how could you not see that coming?" and I replied "hey, you usually wouldn't say it" and he "I have, you just didn't hear me" I reply "only in your head". "yes"


Now I'm still waiting to figure out if this'll work. Mom's gonna talk to his grandma tomorrow, and so maybe we'll know more for sure about if he can come visit or not. Huh..
How suspenseful, huh?

Found Another Song I Love

Cocteau Twins [With Robert Smith (The Cure)]- Cherry Colored Funk

I love this song, because I know I've heard it before. I love when that happens. I find a song I remember from when I was little. Two bands together that I like lots!

Very good sonnnng..!
I gotta look around dad's old music playlists. Find memories.

Ooohh noooooo!

Now I'm super gloomy! Arg! >___<..... T___T...

Today

Huh huh.. DeviantART seems to be in a bit of havoc because of the recent and unexplained removal of a beloved staff member and Co-founder, Scott, AKA jark. Booted out of staff with no explanation. DA is kinda taking a corporation turn, and tis not a good thing. I wonder how things will turn out?

I yawn. I slept late. I was awake all night.. Because my thoughts wouldn't stop. I was awake till 6:30 AM. Couldn't sleep.. Thinking, scrap-booking.
Give me two days and I won't be sore. Huzzah.
Today we're going out to eat with Michael and his family, because Michael is Alex's best friend. They're going to different colleges, so it's kinda like a goodbye late graduation dinner thing.
I keep on forgetting how different Michael looks now, jeez. He lost like, half his weight, and so he looks like a different person completely. Twas shocking. It's because Alex never invites him over anymore, and last time I saw him had been months and months and months ago.

Alex is asleep. Carson is playing video games. Mom is doing work or something. Not sure what dad's doing. Cocoa's laying in the rubble of cords on the far far right. Snuffles is probably wandering around or sleeping on my bed downstairs.

Doot dooooot.. Where's Zandry..? I feel bad for leaving so many offline messages. =P I had assumed he'd at least come on sometime today, or yesterday. Jeez, wonder what he's up to. Dislike when he disappears for more than a day. Again again, suspense kills me. He'd better be around this evening or tomorrow, or I'll start to worry about things. Well well.. I shouldn't worry. I just hope he knows how little time we have.. >__< It's really limited, it's like.. gah. 11 days.. only 11 days.. And god knows how long it takes to get a passport. *sighs* Pish pish, I should have thought of this earlier. Then at least he could get a passport earlier, but I never thought that we'd even have a chance to visit sometime this summer. Well.. I gotta get psyched for this to not work, but I'm not gonna give up without a fight. =P

Anyways.. I'm tired. Aha..

I loath..

..being so paranoid!!
It drives me nuts. Can't think, basically. Can't do anything.
Tense. Tense.
And why do they have to be grumpy right now?
----

From a document-

Please don’t wander around near me. Please.
I think the fact that I’m hurting doesn’t help this at all. My body aches so it hurts just sitting here. It’s like being aware of every part of you. You feel your shoulders, you feel your back, you feel your neck. And you can’t ignore it. I don’t have any sheets on my bed, they’re in the wash, and it’s almost midnight. So I wonder if I’ll be sleeping with nothing tonight. I guess it’s hot out, so it wouldn’t matter.

Every time I’m about to reach down to get Dobby, my head fools with me. He’s under the bed, or, right to the right of it. Everytime I bend down and am about to reach my fingers past to the space I can’t see, I see a pale bloodied hand grab my wrist. And so I can’t go any further. I jerk back and take in a breath, trying to laugh, telling myself ‘you idiot, you’re still afraid just to reach down under a bed.....’ but it doesn’t help me. I see Dobby’s ear poking up, on the floor, so close by. I want to pick him up by the ear and bring him into my bed, but I can’t...
I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.. Just recently got over that fear.. Why am I so slow at it? Why am I afraid of so much? My fears, they last far longer than they do for most. Childish fears. I used to run for the light and hide beneath the covers.

You have to procrastinate the little work you have until midnight? And then dad gets a bit pissed because you don’t remember how it works, and he has to help you. It’s always awkward, one night every month or so. I just hope they don’t argue.

My head hurts lightly. As does everything else.
And these days I seem to be fatally deprived of fun. Fatally deprived of the ability to have fun as well.
Don’t tell me I’m growing up. Growing up is evil. And I’m not. Growing up should be more fun than that.

“The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thiry in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” -Jean Kerr

I like that quote. Problem is, I’m a fairly unhealthy unadjusted teenager, and during school I wake up at about five in the morning, feeling just plain dead.

I dislike life. I have to say that, and I’m going to say it many times. I dislike life, a lot.
I dislike life..

*sighs quietly*
Give me some joy.

Owwie

I hurt all over. >___<

My arms hurt for awhile, but now they're fine. But my shoulders and back are like... arrrrg. Just down my neck and to the shoulders to shoulder blades. Yow yow.
Yeah. That is all.

I'm going to eat cookies till I barf nooooow. :D

Family

Mom sits and talks on the phone for a long time. To her sister. I walk past, listening, as I look at the neatly laid out cookies on the counter. "you sound better than you did last time" Take a bite of one, swallow. "I think you're ready" I gaze into the dining room, past the living room, to the window. Dad sits outside on the dark porch, reading.

I'm just noticing the absence of my family in this blog.
--

I'll just talk of my siblings for now.

Carson.
The only blonde of our family. He has sandy blonde hair and brown eyes. He's 12, happy. Has ADHD. He's the most social person you could meet. He loves people, and likes to meet them. He likes being sweet and loves kitties and kittens. He reads books from the library about them, and goes "awwww!! cuuutee!" at the sight of pictures. He enjoys playing video games, and explaining how things work in his games. He hops when he plays video games, or at least stands. No, he hops. I'm watching him right now. Staring at the screen, standing, jumping. He's fairly smart, but has bad handwriting, has trouble writing at all.
He seems to look up to me. When I dyed my hair purple, he didn't cringe at all like Alex did. He thought it was neat, and later tried it himself. The girls screamed upon sight of him with blue hair. He didn't take that badly, I'm glad to say. But elementary school is an early age to dye your hair.
He can get into bad moods and just argue and demand. He always wants to go where he wants to go, and will pout and everything if he doesn't. All vacation he was saying "can we go golfing!" "let's go to the arcade!" "let's go--" and it nearly drove us all insane. Because after one thing, he'd ask for something else.
He talks even if no one listens. But he's not loud.
He has a lot of friends.

Alex.
He has dark brown hair and eyes that he says change color. A greenish brown. He's tall, and thin. I'm convinced he has super strenght, because whenever I try to whack him he deflects, and he's fairly muscular although he does nearly nothing. He has two friends total, well, it seems. He used to invite Michael over, but now that doesn't happen. He never has birthday parties, never did after age 13 or so.. He chats with Michael, and the other Michael, and no one else as far as I know. He's never known a girl. And he sure doesn't want to. "I'll be rich rich rich, and I don't want to share it." He's an internet geek and always acts quite arrogant. He thinks all high school students are idiots. He thinks all girls are arrogant idiots. (even though he is somewhat himself..) But, in public, he is one of the few who's not an idiot. He doesn't party, he'll never drink, smoke, or do drugs. He doesn't talk to people, and he's never loud. He can be nice and laugh a lot at times, at other times he just gets into this 'I'm better than everyone' mood and treats you like a small child who doesn't understand. He's convinced he knows best. He'll try to get in your way if he can. As in, he wishes to convince dad to not let Zandry come and visit me, and calls me a complete idiot who wastes money. He likes waving his cash in front of my face sometimes, when I'm broke. During the day he's fairly nice, at night he can be a jerk, but on occasion he'll feel nice and watch anime and laugh with me. We enjoy making inside jokes from flash animations and things we see on the internet.. "That bird.." "Kasu" "piaakaakaaa" "ring ring ring ring... banana phoooone" "I kill you in the street" "bonklars!" "apple, corn, laser gun!" and too many more. We just say that randomly, remember where we heard it, and laugh. He rarely goes out anywhere, doesn't like many movies, and stays on the computer most of the time. He demands that I go on instant messenger to get gifs and flash animations from him.

Please

(In hopes for good luck, I will type every 'please' by hand, not copy and paste, in hopes that I may please see dear Zandry in person)

Please: used in polite request; to give pleasure or be pleasing to; be the will of or to have the will to; give satisfaction

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please...

I Miss You

I miss you.
*nods slowly* Everyday. Yeah, you. Maybe not you but yes you. You know who. Maybe. Depends on the reader.
My only worry is I'd be a slight nervous wreck, as I always am. Well, then it shouldn't be a worry. My only worry is that you won't like me being a slightly nervous wreck.
Because I feel nervous right now, and I don't even know why. Or is that twist in my gut really nervousness..? Nervous..? Why am I always nervous?
Jittery... Why?

I think it's just the reminder of him, this time not you, that makes me jitter. But I'm jittery all the time, aren't I? Nearly.

I don't want to whine about him like I used to. There's nothing to whine about. All I can say is I check in on him every now and then to see he's okay, and that it makes me jittery remembering and regretting.
Not like I have a lot to regret. But I regret. Just the fact that it all was a piece of crap, I feel sorry for being a bother.
I'm nervous about everything I can be nervous about. I'm nervous that the answer is 'no'. I'm nervous what his grandma's reaction is. I'm nervous. But I'm always nervous, I said.

So take a deep breath, and stop thinking. I'm nervous, but I can pretend I'm not. I can be nervous and relaxed at the same time.. Or I'm so used to being nervous that I don't feel it anymore. It's funny, mmhm.

You can't take me one way. He, not you, got confused, because maybe my temperament made me seem to be a fearful little child who couldn't handle the truth. The truth was what I think I wanted. Or maybe my naive daydream self wouldn't be able to take that. I'd twist it into what I wanted it to mean. *sighs* I was terrible, I have to admit. But wasn't I always saying I was sorry?
Thanks for not wanting me to be sorry, Zandry.
You are cute, you idiot.
But you can try to prove me wrong, make me not blind, when you see me in person, if you do. But we'll see.
I'm not that pretty. I may have my moments but I'm not that pretty.

But don't take me one way. I have so many different faces. I have nervous, childish, wild, rebel, tomboy, punk, girly, annoying, funny, silent, flirty, shy, desperate, dumb, daring, outgoing, hyper, solitary, hermit, non-outgoing.. I'm always different. It depends who you are, and what part of me you bring out.
A mistake is to think because I never talk I don't like to talk. A mistake is to think because I'm afraid of people I'm afraid to stand out. A mistake is to think that because I write sad things I'm a sad person. A mistake is to think that because I hate being stared at I don't like being stared at. It's funny. Hard to explain.

Why am I tense? It's funny. Maybe I'll go for a walk... Dunno why I'm so nervous-ish... "ish is good"

Funny, I got an email from some guy in Denver, he got the wrong address. Zandry wanted to phone numbers to prank with, but I wouldn't let him. It was a short autobiography (it could have been..) to an old classmate of his.
I find it simply fascinating, how people live their lives, who people are. So I always enjoy the unexpected emails from complete strangers. Last time I got one, it was from a little girl who was sending a letter to her aunt or something. He's been married 11 years and has three little girls. I sent him an email back saying he got the wrong address, and he'd replied with a thanks.
I think listening to me you'd assume I'm at least 20.. I think. If I emailed you. He seems oblivious of my age, well, of course he would. But I sent a very polite email explaining his mistake.

"I'm sorry to say, you've gotten the wrong email. Checking my email, I stumbled upon this.. at first thinking it to be clever spam, but appears not. I suppose it's a good thing it came to me instead of someone else, as that I'll be redirecting you and promptly deleting this. *nods* Be sure to check that you have the right number and spelling.. and I'll notify you if email from you comes here again."

Never mind, I don't sound 20. Eh.. well.. someone who was older and didn't know my age, maybe their impression of teens would make them assume me to be older. Because teens are lazy and misspell things and use slang and shorten all words.
'Teh emailz be spelled wrong, total bummer.' 'Laterz. I gots to go. Sorry I B wrong person. You have the wrong email.'
Dude, I can't even sound like a teen if I try. =P Well, I can't imitate the teen stereotype, yah. Haha.
But I think adults see teens as the people on myspace, total idiots.
I guess I'm a fairly polite and grammar-aware teen. Even in instant messages, I be sure to add each comma (usually just for affect) and spell things out. *shrugs*
Anyways, yeah. I miss you Zandry.

Woot

Woot woot.

Hm..

Today I went jet skiing...

It's weird how warm it is out. I'm sitting here, in my ..swimsuit, bathing suit, whatever you wish to call it. I just got home.

I like jet skiing. It makes you feel suddenly powerful. =P *chuckles*
Especially when all the other girls are lying around in their swimsuits, tanning. On occasion I'd enjoy doing that, but I don't tan, and it's more fun to hit the water.
I dunno... It's just amusing to me. Not many use stand-up jet skis anyway, so you feel cool. :P It takes skill to ride a stand-up one, and I'm one of the only girls that goes out and does that. Mwaha. Course the water is cold, so you're equipped with full wet-suit, gloves and all, and ya.
Chris got out there later on, and he can do tricks. I'm not going to try tricks. I need practice just keeping balanced and going the right speed and turning.. It's tricky. You hit waves and feel like you'll tip over when you're turning. And sometimes you do. I didn't fall off at all this time, which is good. Course I didn't cruise around standing the whole time, but I did fairly well, considering it's been months since I've done it. Look at people jet skiing, and it looks easy.. It's not that easy. I'll post a picture of me out there in the water soon. Cuz you can't really picture it if you haven't seen people doing it much.

The Very Last

*coughs*

Zandry and I were the lovely artists.

The Last Ones

A Threat

I threatened Zandry that I'd post the screenshots of him I took while he was on a webcam on my blog.

Wanna see them?

Yay.. People..

I guess gloom comes with being solitary.
So I feel happy to talk to people, at least more.

Ariel, Zandry (Micheal), Nikhil, Elizabeth (you just popped by). Those are the people I'm talking to, this summer. It's not a lot, but it's more than usual, which is like.. two people, or one, depending. The first three of those people are pen pals... oh wait, crap, Elizabeth just became a pen pal. Oh no.. hahah. I only have pen pal friends..
But that's quite fun.

My other friends are just hiding out, or I don't have a way to contact them. Amanda, are you alright? You can't hear me.
It's a pity I was so gloomy on the day of Annamarie's birthday, because I pretended to be sick to miss it, because I was so low.. I think it was the near-heartbreak I had for a few days. I'm glad things are as they are, though. I was afraid it would happen the same as last time.

Hey Renan, what happened to you? Did life get busy? I do say, I miss your interesting comments. They always made me think.

Yeah..

Echos

"I'd like your spit, but not in a bottle" is my new pickup line, it seems.
Zandry, quit calling me Heaven's. Innocent. Victim...

My soda cap says "Good fortune will soon find you." I hope it's right.
Strawberry Lime.
I hate going to sleep, knowing that it'll be the next day.
Jiji says hi.
I don't like this chair.

Love can be the thing that kills you or makes it worth it.

Haha, I still can't believe you said that....
Even though I say it all the time.
It's funny to feel an echo of what I give off.
I guess it's not a bad thing, huh?

I hope.. I wish.. I wish.. I wish... I can't hope. I wish.. I wish.. I wish.. I wish..

My next life goal besides the wish is to walk around with a box on my head.
That'd make me laugh.
I think you'd laugh too.

"I just don't want you to grow up that fast"
I'm a kid still, don't worry. I am I am.

Do songs ever make you shiver inside? Make you lose your breath?

"Safe at last. Safe at last. See my thoughts are in order. Safe, fallen down this way. I want to be just what I want."

Dreams Reawakened

Just as I gave up on that dream, another chance awoke.
To see Zandry...

"ur insane" Ariel says "I am" I reply. Alex sits at the table and just laughs at me, exclaiming "You may as well burn the money! Oh my god! To see an e-boyfriend! Hahah! I can't believe this! You're such an idiot!"
But I have nothing better to spend my money on, and this is the one thing I'd like most. And who knows if it'll even happen.
So, laugh, laugh, I'm spending $219 dollars for the chance to see the one person I'm closest to. To have a week to show them how it is on my side, to show them the sights and places, to give him a taste of the city. To meet the real me, who I really am. For me to meet the real him.
"It's okay.." Carson whispers to me "I hope he can make it" I smile at him, because he's the only one who doesn't laugh.

I don't care about things to have, I want a memory. I want this one memory. I want one thing to smile on later. I'd pay a lot for that.

I'd like it a lot.. Don't laugh too much.
--

A plane ticket. A chance. I can't go there, could he come here? Split cost. We'll just have to see. He said not to hope because these sort of things have a way of not working out. But it's hard not to.. Bigger chances than before.. For an even better outcome. I'll have to see. I'll try hard to make this work. I really want to see him...

All I can say is..

Hahahhaha...

Boredom

Summer is a passing dream
filled with hope, such trivial things
Autumn comes and pulls me dry
stress and books, I wonder why
December chills me to the bone
firelight, glow, and no one's home
Spring seizes me by the hands
open arms, smile once again
-meh
---

"Don't create. Don't rebel. Have intuition. Typical girls. Get upset too quickly. Typical girls. Are so confusing. Typical girls. You can always tell. Typical girls. Are unpredicatble. Typical girls. Try to be. Typical girls. Very well. Typical girls. Are looking for something. Typical girls. Fall under a spell. Typical girls. Buy magazines. Typical girls. Fell like hell. Typical girls. Worry about spots, and fat, and natural smells. Typical girls. Try to be. Typical girls. Very well. Typical girls. Can't decide what clothes to wear. Typical girls. Are sensitive. Typical girls. Are emotional. Typical girls. Are cruel. Typical girls. She's a femme fatale. Typical girls. Stand by their men. Typical girls. Learn how to act shocked. Who invented typical girls? Who's putting out the new, improved model. There's another marketing ploy. Typical girl gets the typical boy"
-Typical Girls, The Slits
--

"To a girl who you mind. A starry sky memory. When Eros spurns Rococo. Rouge thus far. She'll spark run away for you. Do you know what we call the moon. There is no end. Ca candle blown, she'll doubt. Faced with past losing."
-Kookaburra, Cocteau Twins
-

It's funny how all my worries blow up big and spread, leaving me thinking about every possibility. You're gone today. Maybe you're dead. Why do you keep saying that? Three days.. Do you really think I would? Or like me, do you just want to be convinced I wouldn't?
I like writing like this. Because then I can understand and no one else can. So I can let loose any thought without admitting what I'm thinking. Like Liz said. Her lyrics.
"I've just recently realized that I'm a very secretive person, that I'm constantly covering up for myself. - I mean I've got reams and reams of words that I don't have a clue what they mean, but...I wanted them because, I knew I'd be able to express myself without giving anything away."

Moo.

Fixture of the head leaves body left to cringe.

you don't know what it means, and nor do I

Interest

Anime is good. Antique stores are fun. Walking is fun. Crunching through dry leaves on an autumn day.
Rainy days. Windy days! The smell of flowers. Colors. Waking up and remembering funny dreams I had.
Stars. Harvest moon. Forget-me-nots. Laughing. Huge grins. Hugs! Twirling (haa). Cushy chairs-! <3
Warm fireplace in the winter. Snow. Dew. Frost. Inside-jokes. Pigging out on fudge. Chinese food.
Sunshine. Cool days. New shoes (zomg, me of all people..). Crazy outfits. Wigs. Hair dye. Dancing.
Making a fool of myself. Hot chocolate. Chocolate milk. Running in circles. Race. Chase. Squirrels.
Kitties. Downtown. The funny people. The city lights at night. Wandering around. Trinkets.
Bells. Imports. Candles. Shadows. Feeling cute (rare rare). Dolls. Dobby. Dozing. Making faces.
Perfume bottles. Shiny things. Being childish.

Pish

I knew it I knew it.

So now, I ask, can't one dream come true? Please? Why not?
There's never a real answer.
Makes life so dreary, the hope and excitement of a dream as it comes close, but then sputters and dies. Every time.
*sigh* I hate that.

My Day in Detail

Yeeah.

Today I tried out this um.. gym, work-out place, whatever you call it.. Curves. *nods* Women-only gym.
Huuh.. I'll quit talking 'mhm..mhm' and just explain.

So, mom wakes me up. It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and I was having a very vivid about two people dressed like ninjas, guy and a girl, all black with real swords and masks.. And I open my eyes, close them again, open, close, and decide to just lay there for a bit longer.
"useless matter is online!"
"yeah yeah yeah yeah.." I think to myself 'mmm.. I'll get up soon. It'd be fun to talk to him...' and doze off and fall asleep again. I wake up ten minutes later. Mom comes in again.
"Tanya!! Get up!!" I slowly sit up in bed, glancing at the mirror across the room, resting eyes upon a tangled mass of hair. I sigh to myself, carefully maneuvering legs and feet to clear ground, avoiding the many piles of paper and boxes of nicknacks surrounding my bed. Step closer to the mirror, run hands through hair, trying to find the part, straightening the curled mess. Walk to the bathroom. Try to untangle the mess more, blink at my reflection. Looked down. The same clothes as yesterday.. A black shirt with a drawstring neckline, lightly scattered white flowers and vine, and a pair of baggy moss-colored shorts. I shake my head. I fell asleep in all my clothes again..
"Tanya, want some breakfast?"
"sure"
Sat down in front of the computer, at about 2:39 PM. Ate breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast with blackberry jelly. It sat there for a while.
"Don't let your food get cold!!"
"yeah yeah, I know, I'm eating"
Slowly ate the food.
Noted that Zandry wasn't online. Felt disappointed. Thought 'Aww man! And mom says he was just here!'
Continued to eat slowly. Finished. Drank a bottle of orange juice.
Getting bored, sitting looking at the monitor, I asked Alex through IM, "bleeeeeeeach? bleach bleach bleach now" He said fine. I pulled a chair over, rolling 'obliviously' over mom's papers and bills scattered about the floor.
"Tanya!"
"Hey, there's no other way to get across" I chuckle. I get headphones and hand the cord to Alex, and sit down next to him at the other computer. He opens up an internet window to cover the fact that we're watching anime, and then opens an episode of Bleach.
We watch two, and then it's time for me to go. Mom had said the previous day she'd be taking me to a gym she was a part of, well, at some time I had asked.
My fear of being the weakest person ever in a class of boys made me worry to the point of deciding I should get some sort of exercise in my schedule of nothing. I decided to boost my confidence (or to make me more brave.. or something) I'd take the class that no girls seemed to take - weight training. A class full of idiotic guys who have egos that should explode their heads. I could hear them on the other side of the gym, in the time I had taken Individual Sports. So my fear of the embarrassment of 'girl weakness' got me into it.
"Yeah yeah, I'm coming" I half-shout down the stairs, and slowly stand, turning to walk back downstairs. Nervous thoughts start going through my head, trying something new, something I wasn't good at, for sure.
"Hey mom, what am I supposed to wear?"
"What you've got on is fine. Just wear some tennis shoes"
I go to my room and grab some socks out of the top drawer, finding my shoes on the floor near my bed. I glance warily at the ceiling, where I'd seen a spider just the other night. Step into my shoes, I scuttle behind mom as she opens the door and we head out.
The front seat of the van is hot, and my skin burns for a moment as I let my arms rest back against the seat.
"When it's hot in here, open the window!" my mom exclaims, opening it all the way for me with the button on her side. I sigh and close it a bit, not liking a full blast of air in my face. We drive down our street, turn left.
"Hey Tanya, look down the street and see if you can see Carson and Riley" I don't really want to bother, but I turn my head to look, and she does too. Not seeing them, she takes another left. She shouts to Robin through the window.
"Where are Carson and Riley?"
"They're trying to get people who want a car wash, and also selling juice at the corner"
Mom and her talk for a while, and I lean my head on my hand, waiting to go. 'Don't start blabbering.. Especially when you're shouting out a window..' I think to myself, feeling a tinge of awkwardness. I look forward as she blabbers, and see Carson and Riley sitting there at their table, waiting for customers.
Mom finally stops talking, and drives forward, gasping as she always does upon the sight of them on the corner.
"Look, there's Carson and Riley!" she exclaims to me. 'I know..' I think. She drives up to the corner. I give a feeble wave. "Hi-!" she says. She continues to shout out the window over me, and I sit and wait for her to be done. She buys a drink. She asks them about business. We finally get going.
"You want some?" She motions at the drink of unknown juice. My natural refusal instinct kicks in.
"Nah.." I say. But I really don't want it.
We drive down the familiar road, and stop to turn.
"..But.. how does it work? What do I do? I don't know how to do any of it" I say worriedly.
"Well... So, it's just one room, and a circle of exercise machines.. You just start out on one and it says on signs what to do, and they'll probably show you. You go on that machine for a while, and then from the speakers it says 'change stations' and you go one to the left.. Between each of the machines is a little platform where you just keep moving between stations.."
"Oh great..." I say, not liking the thought.
"Yeah, I know, I felt really stupid when I first did it, but after a while you get used to it and it doesn't matter.. Anyway, you just continue doing that, and if you're doing something wrong don't worry, because one of the trainers will come over and tell you. And don't worry about it, no one knows what they're doing at first, they're used to it."
"mm.." We go silent, and I look out the window.
We turn to park, and I hop out, following mom up the stairs and to the left. We enter, and I glance nervously around, trying to absorb how everything works with my gaze alone. Her description was fairly accurate, a circle of machines, platforms between each. I look at the people working out. Not many, four or so. I glance at the main desk. Mom tells the lady sitting there that she was having me try it out, and mom and I walk over to the table on the left to fill out some papers and sign things.
"Just so we won't sue them" my mom says. I fill out the paper, glancing over agreements, initialing and at last signing.

I'll continue this later..

But.. That's really pessimistic. Mmph.

What dream hasn't been crushed..?



Hm hm, feeling kind of friendless, as that I haven't seen one person all summer. Got in my head that I lost all my friends. Well, I see them next year, at least.. Yet.. Gone.. Not one call, not one email.. all summer..

Unless pen pals count.

Eh..

Dreams are such silly things to have. They always get crushed in one way or another.

Second Day -Short Entry and a Letter

6:13 PM-

Sitting out here, I squint at the paper, brightened, a blinding white from the sun. At Dave and Kandas' house. Secluded... Carson sits petting Tarzan, the black cat. He loves cats.
-

July 16, 11:33 PM-

Today is... Saturday. Not sure what day, but it's the second day of my vacation. I take a deep breath now, because in my head plays something over and over. And the music is making me tingle. *laughs* I'm sitting on the couch, in this lovely room. The ceiling is about... 75 feet up.. more the very tip top. It's a triangle shaped room, because this is the upstairs. I love this room, because it's my style... It has two cabinets from Thailand, a black lantern, crimson walls with windows with black frames. It's a huge room, not a bedroom, I'm just sleeping up here. I'll send you pictures... But I love it. And music is blaring a bit, and I just feel at home. This is the house of my mom's cousin... Dave and his wife, Kandas. I don't know what he's called in relation to me.. Dave's an awesome guy. Last time I saw them was when I was about eight, so I had forgotten. He has a very good personality. Really funny and always thinks of his guests first. I shot a BB gun for the first time, and rode an ATV, also for the first time. Really fun. -

The First Day - Negativity

3:39 PM-

At Linda's house. Oregon is really hot. - Bleh. Sooo hooot. :( Where's the rain? Gah.. We went to the evil twin of the Pacific Science Center. Sitting in the dining room. Now in the front seat of the van.
-

Ah. His name was Spencer. A real snot. Whiny and arrogant. He had a bleached mohawk and dark clothes. 15. This makes me realize how stupid and annoying some guys can be. Whole thing was very forced.
-

Today.. Tonight is the first night of vacation. We're in Portland, Oregon. City streets and a lot of drunk idiots, restaurant after restaurant, and nothing much of interest. China town is tiny, and even on a Friday night, the downtown is dead.
-

Took a shower in the morning, groggy. Took a while for mom to drag me out and on my way, but she ended up successful.

Another Uncovered Scrap of Memory

"Patience is a virtue,
but it's no good if it just hurts you,
leave it while you can,
tell them you think you understand.
Pretend you can hear,
what it is you are deaf to,
pretend you can feel,
the pain you give, too.
Act like it's not the end,
still seem to pretend,
like I wish I could,
it's not ok,
it's not going to be,
happy,
nothing's happy..
Let it be,
that's no good to me.
No longer in denial,
no longer in a pile,
of emotions and defile..
Take away blind,
make me see,
unkind,
but now I know,
it's not for you and me,
it's not for us,
I've lost my trust,
gone gone gone..
It's time to leave,
time for me to see,
that I deserve better,
and so do we"

Huh. You forget writing such things. Hidden in unchecked places. March 20th. Makes sense. Funny what crap I wrote.

"What are you saying?
What are you thinking?
'She won’t leave me alone
it just seems to never end
with her forever, with her never
with all her words, she should know better'
It’s called,
I’m leaving you
It’s called,
I’m sick of you
But where are you?
How do I leave,
When you won’t leave me too?

I was the one
who wanted to stay
I was the one
who would always say
“Why do you have to go?
Someday it’ll be better, you know.
We can work through this,
I didn’t mean it.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”
But now
where are your stubborn words
of how we should end it
But now
where are you,
telling me to stop it

I want to leave you
it’s time to go through
with your original plan
Let’s say goodbye
now that we can
stop hiding away
stop keeping it longer
I know it’s the end
and I don’t want to suffer
I don’t want to pretend
It’s time for us to go
find our own fate
time to say goodbye
to this big mistake
of a friendship
without a face"

More Random

I try to write as much as possible. I want to leave something behind, I don't want to be completely forgotten.. Maybe one person could relate to all this, or at least something... I don't know. And when years go by, when I'm not the same, I don't want to forget how it all felt. I don't want to forget who I was. I don't want to grow up, but maybe it's unavoidable. I'll remain as I am for as long as possible. Never let go of the little joys.
My finger hurts, so it's really hard to type. Every time my pointer finger hits a key, it stings a bit. Clean slice, still hurts though. Feels like my skin is glued together in a clean line of blood. Stretch it, reopen wound. Hard to type.

I sit here, my journal on my lap, waiting for a friend to pop up and say hello. I'm pathetic that way. But as I am, that's how it is. And I don't want a lot of friends. I just want enough for a smile....

I need to do something.. The summer was my savior from eyes, yet I brought them forth again, making myself look strange as possible. I dyed my hair bright colors those days, and wore fun outfits. It gave me a sort of confidence, facing fear once again. You wouldn't believe how many strangers talk to you. Every day, 15 people said something to me about my hair. I counted. It was annoying, but I got used to it. Of course along the days came "fuck you" and shoutings of "freak!!" out car windows. Just another thing you have to deal with, making the choice of being different and colorful.

Kinda gloomy because I miss Zandry... Hey, it's been a week.. It seems like such a long time. I was hoping to run into him, tell him about things, but he's still not around. I hope I can see him sometime soon. I can't help but worry. Not completely of the absence, but of many other things.
I wonder why life has to be complicated. It pisses me off. Arrrg...

"Haha, guess what Felicia told me when I talked to her a few days ago"

It's ...'nice' to hear.. but...... ... *shakes head slowly* I don't think it makes a difference. Zandry loves her. So would it really make much of a difference, that complications make it impossible for them to be together? I have a chance.. so..? As if that's ever made anything better. I have a chance. But never am I given the chance. So it all stays the same. I won't hope, I don't want to... .. Haha, I wish that was true. I don't want to. 70 days can kill you... Sorry, I'm getting gloomy. Hehe, do I have to be sorry..? I'm convinced I have to be sorry for everything. Ever since all that, all I did was apologize.

Haha.



I remember drawing that..

Not my game anymore... hm.. It was a relief to let go of that, once it all faded into a numbness and realization of the stupidity of it all. ... *just thinking*

A dream could come true, soon. I'm waiting for fate to kick in and screw it up, but for now, I'll hope.
Quit beating around the bush.. I should...

I had wanted to go on a road-trip with mom. She was uncomfortable with driving so far alone, just the two of us, so I got an idea. Visit Zandry? By train? It was a faint idea, no timeframe, no specification. She said, after Alex leaves. He goes off to college, away in another town, far far away.. Once that's over with, she said we could maybe go. That's August 13th, that Alex leaves. So I'm really hoping that this'll work, somehow. I'll do whatever I can to try to make it work. I hadn't expected to get the opportunity in any time less than a year or so, yet this happens.. So I'd like to really try. I'll figure everything out... I'll make it work, somehow.


*pause*

..Ow. Sliced my fingertip. .. Cleaning scissors is dangerous. :P Chocolate melted in my bag of stuff, so I was cleaning it off the scissors.. Was wiping near the blade and it cut through the kleenex and got my finger. Blah. Makes it a little harder to type.

Anyway..
I'm sleepy. Was hoping to run into Zandry today, but I guess he's busy.. *yawn* Night.

Issues

I'm actually looking forward to going to see a psychiatrist. That's odd. I guess I'd like to know what makes me tick, if anyone can find out more so than I, I'd like to know. And if there's a reason I act as I do. The odd things about me, I just see them as personality, not problem. A flaw, permanent. But, if it could be better.. I'd like that. Or if there's a reason..
My little brother has ADHD. My older brother has about three friends, and he's 18... Very anti-social. My family has a 'mental' background. Not really a bad thing, but it can be a disadvantage. If I have ADHD, I'm going to laugh. I have trouble concentrating on my work at all, but I never thought about it. But with Carson having it, do you suppose I could too? Who knows. I'd like to see. I have a strong suspicion that I indeed do have social anxiety, as they call it.. Hm.. So it shall be interesting.

"Do your teachers change anything about the presentations for you because of it?"
"nope"
"Oh really? That's too bad.." -doctor

You kidding...? As if. I accepted that high school is a semi-nightmare for me, and just deal with the fear. I don't think I'd really want teachers to do anything, because then people would see it as unfair, and I'd be labeled. Well, as if the shaking isn't enough to make them label me, but obvious change would just make it worse. I don't want people staring. I can deal with it for five minutes.. Maybe. :P

If school would be enjoyable.. Well.. that'd be funny. I hate school. So many eyes and so many ways to make a fool of yourself. *sighs* .. I hope summer goes slooow... I'm worried.

I'M BACK!

Bwahah--! I'm back!! Miss me? :D Anyway, it's been sooooooo long.. Or so it seems. A week... Sounds short, feels really long. After hitting the beach and suffering hot weather, I am home to Seattle. Happy happy! My fingers are having trouble adjusting to typing.. it's so odd. Anyway, hugs to everyone! I missed you all!... Whoever's there.

Gone.

I'm gone for a week, no way to contact me... Vacation

See you on the 21st, I suppose. Miss everyone.

Mental Stability and Innocence

I'd like to ramble.

Two days with not much word from a friend, and then a week, soon...
I'd like to ramble about nothing important and nothing in particular.

Why do I always have to tell someone? I feel a strong need to tell my story to every person out there. I'd like to learn about their lives and tell about mine. I wonder why? I guess I never talk to anyone, so side affects may be that.
Straining my neck to watch my little brother play video games.
Aching arm and a pair of crappy headphones.
'And thus is life'

Went to the doctor today.
"Hellooo!!! Wow, it's been a long time since I've seen you! And I suppose that's a good thing for you, because I am a doctor.." She's nice. I can't figure out how she remembers each patient so well, when they only come once every four months or so, if not less often. She noticed that my hair was normal, said she was wondering what color it'd be. Had my '15 year check up'.. A little late, by four months, but that's not much.

Since about two years ago, I noted that it miiight not be normal that I'm so nervous and paranoid. It made me afraid to make my order in the food court of the mall, and anyone looking at me would make my hands shake, and make it hard to keep my movements smooth and natural looking when someone was. Presentations made and make me shake terribly, and I avoid talking to people. My friends make me feel awkward, because I get the stressful feeling that I need to please them, and fail at it. I never invite anyone over, and avoid talking on the phone. I lose all my friends, this way.
I pretend I'm sick and miss parties.. Leading me to feel like a bad person.. And, I suppose I am.

"I'm very concerned about it, and I think it could be better"

I just cope with myself as I am. Control the shaking and hold back the stress. Learn to do things without being so nervous. Ignore the eyes. Be invisible. I learn to be okay even when I feel the way I do. At least now I order my own pizza and can confidently order food without stuttering.. Funny how simple things can be so difficult.

So, I wonder what's wrong with me.. I could have ADHD, or social anxiety. Lucky me, no depression. But the mood swings are enough. I may go to a psychiatrist, just because if things could be better.. well.. I'd like to at least try. Haha.. And irony, my enjoyment of confession...

I can tell you, I'm a fairly pure person. It amuses me and shocks some. I'm not the average girl. It's something to be proud of, I feel.. But is it really so odd? Seeing how many fools there are on this world, well.. maybe not fools, but people who make risky decisions and unhealthy choices.. There are a lot.. So, it could be odd.

I guess my will is strong... I have no reason to do idiotic things. I have no reason to not save things for the future, and I'm in no hurry. And there are so many bad habits and unnecessary things..
I've never tried one drug, never smoked (never tried), never kissed (nor hugged a guy), never dated, never had a boyfriend, never had sex (obviously), never worn blue jeans (funny), never freak danced (eeewww), never drank.. --waiiiit.. I once drank spiked punch, on accident. Two cups. o__o ... But ick. So, I drank once on accident, but never shall again... Never cut.. Never purged.. Never given someone the finger.. Never stayed out late.. So, I'm pretty innocent.
I'm innocent, but funny thing is, I have the choice. It's not morally wrong to me, no religion, no promises. I never promised anything and I have no moral ties keeping me from making such choices. I have no fear of punishment and no real reason not to. But, I have no reason too, as well. Why bother? I don't need any of these things.

The only bad things I remember doing are... Running away from home, writing suicidal poetry, making people feel sorry for me, and ignoring my friends and avoiding them as much as possible. Sadly.. I still do avoid everyone. I don't know why. I'm overwhelmed by them, I suppose. Ironic how I'm lonely, yet I want to stay away.

I wish I didn't have such problems, because it's the kind of thing no one will understand. I can't tell my friends "oh, so sorry I've been avoiding you.. It just stresses me out to be with people.." They wouldn't get it. Nor is the shaking very understandable, nor my mood swings. So, it's a pity.

It's amusing how I am the ultimate innocent person and goody-goody person in school. The things I listed, and the fact that I never speak when the teacher is.. I never cause trouble, I follow directions, I never break rules, never listen to my music, never use a cell phone, never do anything really wrong.. And I get nearly all A's... I always was amused when I heard people muttering how 'she never does anything wrong..' and just whatever I caught them remarking. I wonder why it's so hard for them to just.. Sit and listen, and just deal with the useless crap that we have to learn..?
I'd argue with the school system, I'd rebel, but it's just damned not worth the effort. It changes nothing, and unless you have a serious conversation with a teacher after class nothing will taken seriously. Why cause a ruckus and make a big deal when it's just a waste of energy? They're really dumb, sometimes.. They slow everything down, and whine sooo much. Little damned kids. They may as well go back to kindergarten. It's such a bother, having peers who just don't want to be there. I'd like to sit there, as useless as it may all be, and get it over with. Less headache, that way. Talk to the teacher if you really want a difference in your studies. Just PLEASE don't whine and whine during class, muttering and grumbling.. *sighs*

Anyway, I'm done for today. Goodnight.

So Tired..

I'm really tired..

I couldn't sleep well last night. I kept on thinking about getting a shot, and the orthodontist.. Dobby is nowhere to be found. If I lost him, I'm going to throw a major fit. .. Doooooobbbbiiiiiieeee... .. Wheeere are you..?

Overheated, my head hurt, worried, nervous, afraid.. Didn't sleep well.

It doesn't help that I'm going to to the doctor tomorrow. Funny.. I didn't know until today. Yet last night all I could think about were shots.
I know I'm going to get one. I haaate it. I remember from last time, which I think was in February. I may have gotten a shot while I was there about my flu. I don't remember.. But I know that last time, they had one more shot coming for me. *cry* I don't want to get a shot...

How to you prepare yourself? If I ignore it, it'd simply be shocking, and would be worse. If I watch it, I'll tense up and it'll hurt more. So, what do I do? How do you keep from bracing yourself..?

I don't like going to the doctor.. *sniff*

Gooosh

Two people... Distant cousins.. Hm.. *thinks* Gramps' cousin's son and someone else... Visiting today, in an hour.

It creeps me out that Nana's telling me to look cute, and that she or mom had said that when you get older five years isn't a big difference.. .... Creeeepy! Leave me alone!! >___<... Gosh!

And then Nana says that no, not cute for him (she's saying that just to make me less intolerant of her 'you must be cute' talks), cute for the lady who's coming over who's an artist, "how will we introduce my adorable granddaughter without her hair being clean and her wearing something cute?" ... *twitch*

Haha.. Very very scary. I'll put babypowder in my hair and fake it. I dislike company..

Mom was scaring me also, because she's talking in the tone of voice that says 'omg! he's hawt-! Hook up!' and that's sooo incredibly creepy..! 20! He's 20! Shut up! Don't even talk like that! Just no!.. o__o

*laughs* Oookay you guys.. he's an artist. So? Freaking 20! Stop talking like that!! T___T

June 12th

Sometimes I write random things when I can't think and I have nothing better to do. From June 12th.

Sleepy, I hold to me the wavering sillohette of the missing, the shadows, an invisible form. I hold them close, in my mind, and try to feel the nonexistent matter, forming the air between my arms into flesh, warmth, skin. Close my eyes and try to feel it.. but the sensation on my hands distracts me, as I feel the wood of the desk pressing against the sides of my hands, touching the bone and muscle, the skin, distracting me from trying to feel the very delicate and nearly impossible to sense being. Too many feelings to try to feel the nothing. I try again to form something, anything, even if so small. Like what was it..? I had done it once before. Maybe a coincidence, maybe a dream, but I swore I felt the hand, just there, touch my side. Half asleep, I wake, and feel it. No one’s there. The light fills the room, and I touch where I’d felt the hand. Unexplainable.

Childhood anthems.....

I could tell you every secret I have, every confession, everything I’ve ever done wrong and every dream I’ve ever had. All you have to do is ask. I’ll tell you and anyone and everyone everything. Just wonder.

When I was younger, I’d love people to ask me questions. Ask me about what I thought, what I felt. Maybe I was so silent that I’d only listen, and never voice my own opininos. Never had a chance to tell my story, my side. So that left me waiting for someone to pull me in, to ask what Tanya thought. Now the years have caught up, and I overflow with words. Every silent day comes with a night of writing, until my head goes empty. Every question, every word unsaid.

Poem of Paranoia

I wrote this on the day I was super paranoid.

Danger is between
between laughter and tears
between hate and forgiveness
the endless limbo continues
still remaining
up to my head
in my confusion,
in my sorrow
so now, I just wait
for it all to end
so I can cope with any loss
or take in any joy
and move forward
instead of running in place

I’m suddenly so scared
and want to go away
I feel eyes on my back
and watch and wait
Please leave me alone
I close my eyes
I want to tear out
my hair and cry
Go away
go away
my insides twist fear
what if they find out
the things I -
I hear my name said

.Practice.

Danger is my cuppa tea
and my risk is my life
all I know and all I learn
is how to sacrifice
This day's meant
to be spent
in dreaming,
and in good time
I'll make one true
it's up to you
I'll crack until I'm fine
---

Today I feel like being wild
like letting loose this little child
that's pawing at my insides
that's saying,
"hey!!
let's go and play!
I can't stand to wait
another day!"
and so I'll let her loose
I'll crack out the dress
and tall black boots
and laughter,
shrill
will fill
this tall young girl
who's still a child
---

Caving in
a little leaf
shaking fear
breath is brief
trembling worry
eyes glance,
flurry
of emotions
stuck inside
---

Paint-brush striped
she's painted white
from head to toe
like floured dough
softly powdered
pale yet stained
blood red
dots her lips
the circle dips
down to round,
pout and pucker
a little flower

Silence

Ariel convinced me to try to be friends with Michael again.

Failure.
--

She's convinced that he misses me or something. I see small hints of that in some places. But, it appears we were wrong. I talked to him, he never said a word. So, why bother? It was just like that when I left. He'd rather ignore me. He was sick of me then, and it just didn't work. Nothing seems to have changed.


Ariel is Michael's girlfriend. You'd think we'd be mortal enemies or something.. But no. She's quite sweet, and even bought me a free DeviantART subscription. For no reason. And that costs money.. So yeah. No, she's not bribing me. I talked to her and we're basically friends, and I don't know why she's being so nice to me. She was trying to get us to be friends again, because she doesn't want two people she's close to to be all.. Enemies... Kinda.. She just wants to remove the awkward aura between us. I'm 'really nice' and he 'misses me' or something.

I talked to him. He completely ignored me. So, I'm not going to bother. If it's going to be like that, me talking to myself.. It's not worth trying.

I tried. *shrugs*
---

Sir Lemon Smooth.. *snickers*.. Nah, I won't call him that. I'll call him Printer Boy. No. Fine. Zandry..

Zandry disappeared on me last night. I found that peculiar. I suppose I got him into a bad mood or I said something that didn't go well.
He wanted my address so he could send me a late bday present. He had just recently received a gift from me for his birthday, which was on the 27th. It came a little late.. But it's slow, mailing to so far away.
Anyway, so he wanted my address, but I was like 'no' because, well, it's my last birthday, before he even knew me. He doesn't need to get me a gift for that. And also, I don't want to get attached to him. If he starts giving me gifts it'll be bad, lol. I don't want to like him any more than I already do. So yeah.. I said "there's no need to, now" and he said "you never understand" and left. I called him. He won't tell me why. *shrugs* I'll find out eventually.

Glad--

Glad I didn't disappear on Zandry..

And hurray! His present got to him! I was worried it would never get there.. But it maaade it today! *grin* Good good.

Haha. I'm so tired today.

Yeah Yeah Yeah..

Lol, shut up Nikhil, I got it I got it. *makes a face*

Pish. That's my way.. Drama. I'm dramatic as hell and I can't help it. If I ever die I'll be sure to make it as dramatic as possible.. With the sad music and the 'I don't want to die!" *laughs* Yeah yeah yeah.. Whack some sense into me, would you? You guys gotta keep watch of me and tell me when I'm being a bit stupid, as always. I'm always stupid. It's my nature. So would you guys..--? Warn me?? Something? Please? Thanks Nikhil.. I guess. o__o

But the thing is, I seemed to (luckily..) make the right choice even before I got Nikhil's message of 'why the hell can't you guys just be friends?'
I didn't want to be friends if it was going to be awkward and painful for him. He loves/loved me, so wouldn't I just get in the way? Make it harder for him to make the right choices? I don't know.. I get the feeling that I have a habit of wrecking havoc and chaos upon everything, and I don't like to do so. :P So I was worried, mmkay? Yet he wouldn't choose, and nor could I really figure out what to do. Until I finally got out of him that it was bullshit that I couldn't remain friends with him, I didn't know what to do. *laughs* Seeeeee, you've gotta tell me. *knocks on head* *empty sound*

Eh... My apologies.

Fear and memory gets me good. Last time this happened, the person couldn't even be friends with me. It was just plain hard and awkward and hard to stand. So, is it odd for me to think that it might be the same way with this?

Friends. I've never had a friend who's a guy. So forgive my stupidity.

But...

Should I stay or should I go?

The End

Well. Gone is Zandry. Nikhil Nikhil.. *shakes head at you* And you said I seemed to have everything figured out.. You kidding?

So I must promise myself.. god, I'll promise it. I'm never ever falling in love with anyone far away! I hate it more than anything in the world!! I can't handle it. Especially when they're not for me, I can't wait for them, they'll never call, never come, I should stop hoping.. I hate when that happens sooo much.

So. Whipe the slate clean. Forgiven, forgotten? Not really. Forgiven, yes, forgotten, can't yet. Well, there's nothing to be forgiven for. It was my mistake.

Saying goodbye is awkward. Difficult and awkward. Trying to figure out how...

What do I Remember?

There are these little things I never let go of... from each that I meet. From each are little things that I continue to remember. What are they now..?

Michael: FLCL (anime), Dashboard Confessional, Breathe of Life
Zandry: Jelly Bellys, Coheed and Cambria, poke of the forehead :P

My eyes feel a bit glazed over, smile doesn't come to lips as freely as it once did. Expression is forced, attempt to keep face without a frown and without any emotion.

It's hard to do when you're being watched. Really quite difficult. Hard to keep off that gloomy expression off my face. I put on a big smile when the eyes disappear. Shake my head and try to shake off the feeling. My eyebrows can't decide whether to go up or down, and I try to keep the normal tired, glazed, dumb expression. Hard to do. *sighs* Don't want to be gloomy all three days..

The Longest Dreams

Wow. I've been having dreams for hours in my sleep, and I can hardly keep track of it all. Where to start? It's all a blur.

I got this strange feeling of deja vu in my dream, it was interesting. Gramps was there and Carson maybe and later Zandry and Felicia...

So Gramps and Carson and I get in this boat thing and we use it as a sort of sled. I guess we're in marshlands because we use a boat. We slide down the hill in the little row boat and it's scary. I move a bit to be sure we don't tip over. We come ashore and we're in a very tree filled place, with one large gravel path. To the right ahead of us is a little house all by itself, next to the road. We walk forward, and I have a bouquet of flowers. Yellow, purple.. I can't hold it all in my hands so I hold it in my shirt that I'm wearing, weird as that is. We walk over. As we get closer it looks to be a house of a old person who's very patriotic. Red white and blue flags about her house, and a big picture of Jon Kerry in black and white. I can hear some music playing. We walk down to the shed of the house, and the lady comes out. She has white hair and is old but not that old. I look at the shed and hanging are bouquet after bouquet... Most are wilted, though, hanging up. They're all hung around the shed's door, and it's more of a garage than anything.. Gramps asks her something, and she refuses. I offer her the bouquet of flowers as an offer. "They're not even pretty" she says. I say "Yes they are.. look!" and take them out and show her how brightly colored they are and how lovely. She looks, and nods, and takes them. I guess we had wanted to use her garage for our own storage.
Gramps at some point says "You have a good sense of humor!" and I'm like "hm.. really...?"

Zandry is there. I think he was with us the whole time. It doesn't quite look like him, a different face. A bit pale. His hair is a lot longer and is just past his shoulders, black. For some reason he accidently cuts his hair with scissors. He exclaims something and is horrified at doing so, again. I walk over and look at his hair, missing a clump, and it isn't actually that bad. It was long in the first place, so I just even it out for him with the scissors.

We walk around, joke around. I give him a hug randomly and grin.

My dream turns into a story book. And I'm reading it backwards. I'm sitting in my room, looking at a book, and I'm reading it. It's a story about me, Zandry, and Felicia. I skip through the pages.

Felicia is like a ninja. Haah. She does a flip or something, and I think 'woah, she must take karate or something'. I'm still in the same place, but I'm reading it like a book. Still on the gravel path in the place of trees. ... So this is when the dream gets weird. She does all these cool flips and things and I'm like "woah, you're a ninja!" and Zandry's like "nah, she just can do cool flips"

Then Zandry shows off a cool skill. He can disappear, turn invisible. He does something all ninja-ish and then I see him start to disappear. I'm like "woaaah! coooool!!" and he disappears. I can still hear him.

He turns invisible but Felicia finds him, and kicks him or something. I hear him land on the ground with a thud, and I rush over to ask if he's okay. At some point I call him my boyfriend, and Felicia gets this shocked look on her face, and I cover my mouth in realization of the mistake.
---


And then I dreamt for a while that someone-on-DA's only purpose was to insult me. I got all pissed off at them and commented with "STFU" or something. Haah.

Who's Sir Right?

Mom and I got into conversation of guys and relationships and things like that. She told me again of the story of being engaged to Red, and getting married to him would have been the biggest mistake of her life. So we talked. She told me to list everything that works with me, personality traits, and everything that doesn't. She said to save it forever and she hopes I find the perfect guy. Hm.

What's good:

calm, patient, funny, open-minded, interesting, loving, spontaneous, outgoing, creative, relaxed, easy-going, reliable, trust-worthy, attentive, honest, good listener, reassuring, 'clean', humane, cute, giving, romantic, accepting

What's bad:

rushed, irritable, impatient, obnoxious, dangerous, abusive, nervous, noisy, conservative, stupid, absent, demeaning, annoyed, cheating, arrogant, controlling

I guess I can add more to it later.

Day of Paranoia

Today was a bad day for me. Paranoia was on a high, and I don't even know why. But my head hurt and I wanted to scream, and I felt like I couldn't speak without someone I don't want hearing me listening in. It's an odd feeling. But I couldn't do anything, felt stuck, couldn't blog, couldn't write, couldn't look up lyrics, couldn't hum, couldn't move. Because people were around. And I was so paranoid that I just could hardly bare it.

So, I went out. I said to mom "I'm really paranoid, I don't know why, and I want to get out, right now" She gave me that 'oh...' worried look, and so we went out to run errands and go to an antique store. Just bought some little things we needed, then went to a grocery store.

I started to explain to her the feeling I was getting, how I just felt like everyone was listening, like I couldn't do anything, that I was stuck and being judged at every second, that everyone was watching me. She nodded. She's seen me feeling that way before. She then asked if it had anything to do with a conversation with Zandry. I went "Um.." and then said "No, not really. Nothing he said has been bothering me" she looked at me for a second and I tried to hide the 'haha, I'm lying' expression, but I failed. "you sure you're being completely honest?" "Well, kinda.. well.. not really. But today's a bad day, and it's not because of him" I said I'd tell her, and then I glanced around and said awkwardly "can we please keep moving?" because I didn't like how we were just standing around with our shopping cart in the aisle.
I looked to my right after while and gasped quietly. "wow!" I exclaimed "what?" mom said. I was staring at my favorite candy, which is always only in the foreign grocery stores. But, a lady had walked right in front of it, blocking it from view. "never mind.. wait.." I said. Mom gave me an odd look. The lady finally moved and I said "wow, my favorite candy!" and grabbed one. Mom laughed. "Jeez! You had me worried!" I laughed and said "see what I mean? I'm weird, paranoid.. I didn't want to go 'oh my gosh!!!' right near that lady who was standing there"
So I'm strange.
I was having a bad day and I needing something nice. So I bought some irises. My parents leave with my brother tomorrow to look at the town he'll be living in, so we bought some cookies and snacks.. and orange juice. Nice little things.

We went down to buy everything, but Mom couldn't find her Safeway card. She was like "ahh.. it's so hard to find! Too many are red!" and then the lady at the cash register said that what you're supposed to do is spin around and say "Tony, Tony, turn around, what once was lost will now be found" She started to say it but didn't want to turn around, so the lady spun around chanting it, and then she found the card. I laughed. Mom said she got goosebumps and went "oh my god! It worked!!" with a loud gasp and I laughed and got a little embarrassed. A bit relieved to see the lady behind us was smiling, amused, and not giving us a 'wow, they're crazy' look.

We went to the antique store, but it was closed. So we went to a store called 'Wish' instead. It's a fun little clothing store, in a style that I like. I got a nice summer dress with a broken zipper (which mom can fix) and a brown top that has a tie around the neck.. A tank top, I suppose you'd say. Nearly backless and no straps except the tie around the neck.. Well, you probably know what I mean. But both are nice. The summer dress is flowered with black straps and white and pink flowers. It looks good on me, and I don't wear pink much anyway, so it wouldn't hurt to. And the brown top looks good with my eyes and hair. Though I still have a headache and feel paranoid, I'll at least have something fun to wear tomorrow.. haa.

More Lyrics..

You've got me so confused and there's words I could use
But I'm afraid to say them
I feel I've been had and I'm boiling mad
Still I can't live without you
You don't have the time and you won't spend a di-i-hime
Not even to call me
Oh you don't know I exist and I wouldn't be missed
If I had the nerve to qui-it you

Invisible, I feel like I'm invisble
You treat me like I'm not really there-ere
And you don't really care
I know this romance, It ain't goin' nowhere

It may be naive but I just wanna believe
I'm the only one, ay-ay
I tell myself lies and give you alibis
Knowin' your promises, you'll never keep
Like the merry go round I'm goin' up, going down
I'm on a dead end street

Although I know it's not a lot
Don't want to lose whatever we've got
I keep hangin' on, knowin' I can't win
'Cause it's too hard to start over agai-ai-ain
---

Took me by surprise
I never thought that I would give it out again
You got me into something
God knows I wanna be as close as I'll ever be
Something's getting into me
You know it's alright baby it ain't over
It was only ours to lose
What is gone, well we can't use together
So it's alright baby it ain't over
I dind't mean to hurt you
It was nothing, I was dreaming
But I'd rather live believing
The time you got addictive
I was somewhere getting used
When you were self abusive
I put out and got abused
With you I don't feel the need to qualify my life
Let's get it on before it's gone
Just meet me at the corner
Cos it's alright
--

--Of blue and gold it was
Of aching nights
And sleep-all days
I made my way to meet you
By then the air had changed
And you had seen me everywhere and they sparkled
And shined like new
Like you said I used to
Another magic day is lost on you
And all the love falls through your fingers
Another living day is lost and gone on you

One night you took me driving
You coloured everyone in shades that I'd never seen
You said someone had left you
You'd tried your very best
(What silver clouded eyes see)
Saying stay when leaving me
-Alison Moyet
------

TBC.. To be continued.

GOT YOUR NOSE

I just woke up from a nap.

Laying outside, Alex came to haunt me.

*he randomly pinches my nose* "I DENY your right to breathe!!!"

So he spent time randomly harassing me and such.

"TANYA! I got your nose!" I warily look up at him. "okay, you can have it back.. Whoops! I miss-placed it!! Oh wait.. Your nose was always like that, haha" I give him a glare. "Duuun worry Tanya, you're kawaii in your own way"

I lay there and basically go "eh.. go away.. I wanna sleep.. eeeeerrggg..." and he kept on trying to make me sit up, and I'd promptly poke him hard in the side, his only weakness, and he'd drop me back down.

"I wish I knew how to do the sleep thing.. There's a certain way that you can block off the blood to the brain and the person will go to sleep"

He finally tugged me up without me attacking him, lifting my head with his arm, propping it up. My head lolled back and forth, and I said "Sheesh, the baby hold, huh?" because my head was lolling like one of those babies.. Babies need their necks supported because they don't have much control or strength to hold up their head, which had been true with me at the moment.

"Uuuugh, can't I sleeeeep?"
"You've been asleep for an hour"
"Can't I sleep more..?"

Later I finally got up and wandered to sit down on a couch. I looked at my camera and found he'd taken at least five pictures of me while I was sleeping. Most were okay, but one was close up on my faced, and I winced to myself. Gah.


I finally have a replacement key to my.... I have to go now. Bye.
----

5:00 PM.

-- I finally have a replacement key to my 'hopechest'. Basically a chest for heirlooms and treasures.. Three secret compartments. ^___^
I had lost the only key.... O__o.. I didn't know it was the only key! And I had rearranged my whole room, brought all whole bookshelf downstairs, so I managed to misplace the key. I now have a new key, in my pocket. Way smaller, but it's fine. Hopefully it fits and WILL unlock it. Haven't tested it yet. A custom key, basically... At least, the neck of it is made longer.
---

I was amused watching the squirrel outside at Nana and Gramps' house.. It would hop around on all fours, looked so hyper. It was jerking around, back, forth, eating the seeds on the bird feeder in a mad speed, whiskers vibrating and mouth munching non-stop. Hahah, it was so cute. It looked so dumb and funny, the way it would glance about and hop around on all four feet.

"Woah! Bat!".. Hahaa.. That was funny. Micheal (Zandry, Printer Boy) was on the phone with me, and this bat kept flying near him. Hehe.. Wish I could've seen it.