I loath..

..being so paranoid!!
It drives me nuts. Can't think, basically. Can't do anything.
Tense. Tense.
And why do they have to be grumpy right now?
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From a document-

Please don’t wander around near me. Please.
I think the fact that I’m hurting doesn’t help this at all. My body aches so it hurts just sitting here. It’s like being aware of every part of you. You feel your shoulders, you feel your back, you feel your neck. And you can’t ignore it. I don’t have any sheets on my bed, they’re in the wash, and it’s almost midnight. So I wonder if I’ll be sleeping with nothing tonight. I guess it’s hot out, so it wouldn’t matter.

Every time I’m about to reach down to get Dobby, my head fools with me. He’s under the bed, or, right to the right of it. Everytime I bend down and am about to reach my fingers past to the space I can’t see, I see a pale bloodied hand grab my wrist. And so I can’t go any further. I jerk back and take in a breath, trying to laugh, telling myself ‘you idiot, you’re still afraid just to reach down under a bed.....’ but it doesn’t help me. I see Dobby’s ear poking up, on the floor, so close by. I want to pick him up by the ear and bring him into my bed, but I can’t...
I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.. Just recently got over that fear.. Why am I so slow at it? Why am I afraid of so much? My fears, they last far longer than they do for most. Childish fears. I used to run for the light and hide beneath the covers.

You have to procrastinate the little work you have until midnight? And then dad gets a bit pissed because you don’t remember how it works, and he has to help you. It’s always awkward, one night every month or so. I just hope they don’t argue.

My head hurts lightly. As does everything else.
And these days I seem to be fatally deprived of fun. Fatally deprived of the ability to have fun as well.
Don’t tell me I’m growing up. Growing up is evil. And I’m not. Growing up should be more fun than that.

“The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thiry in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” -Jean Kerr

I like that quote. Problem is, I’m a fairly unhealthy unadjusted teenager, and during school I wake up at about five in the morning, feeling just plain dead.

I dislike life. I have to say that, and I’m going to say it many times. I dislike life, a lot.
I dislike life..

*sighs quietly*
Give me some joy.