I'd like to ramble.
Two days with not much word from a friend, and then a week, soon...
I'd like to ramble about nothing important and nothing in particular.
Why do I always have to tell someone? I feel a strong need to tell my story to every person out there. I'd like to learn about their lives and tell about mine. I wonder why? I guess I never talk to anyone, so side affects may be that.
Straining my neck to watch my little brother play video games.
Aching arm and a pair of crappy headphones.
'And thus is life'
Went to the doctor today.
"Hellooo!!! Wow, it's been a long time since I've seen you! And I suppose that's a good thing for you, because I am a doctor.." She's nice. I can't figure out how she remembers each patient so well, when they only come once every four months or so, if not less often. She noticed that my hair was normal, said she was wondering what color it'd be. Had my '15 year check up'.. A little late, by four months, but that's not much.
Since about two years ago, I noted that it miiight not be normal that I'm so nervous and paranoid. It made me afraid to make my order in the food court of the mall, and anyone looking at me would make my hands shake, and make it hard to keep my movements smooth and natural looking when someone was. Presentations made and make me shake terribly, and I avoid talking to people. My friends make me feel awkward, because I get the stressful feeling that I need to please them, and fail at it. I never invite anyone over, and avoid talking on the phone. I lose all my friends, this way.
I pretend I'm sick and miss parties.. Leading me to feel like a bad person.. And, I suppose I am.
"I'm very concerned about it, and I think it could be better"
I just cope with myself as I am. Control the shaking and hold back the stress. Learn to do things without being so nervous. Ignore the eyes. Be invisible. I learn to be okay even when I feel the way I do. At least now I order my own pizza and can confidently order food without stuttering.. Funny how simple things can be so difficult.
So, I wonder what's wrong with me.. I could have ADHD, or social anxiety. Lucky me, no depression. But the mood swings are enough. I may go to a psychiatrist, just because if things could be better.. well.. I'd like to at least try. Haha.. And irony, my enjoyment of confession...
I can tell you, I'm a fairly pure person. It amuses me and shocks some. I'm not the average girl. It's something to be proud of, I feel.. But is it really so odd? Seeing how many fools there are on this world, well.. maybe not fools, but people who make risky decisions and unhealthy choices.. There are a lot.. So, it could be odd.
I guess my will is strong... I have no reason to do idiotic things. I have no reason to not save things for the future, and I'm in no hurry. And there are so many bad habits and unnecessary things..
I've never tried one drug, never smoked (never tried), never kissed (nor hugged a guy), never dated, never had a boyfriend, never had sex (obviously), never worn blue jeans (funny), never freak danced (eeewww), never drank.. --waiiiit.. I once drank spiked punch, on accident. Two cups. o__o ... But ick. So, I drank once on accident, but never shall again... Never cut.. Never purged.. Never given someone the finger.. Never stayed out late.. So, I'm pretty innocent.
I'm innocent, but funny thing is, I have the choice. It's not morally wrong to me, no religion, no promises. I never promised anything and I have no moral ties keeping me from making such choices. I have no fear of punishment and no real reason not to. But, I have no reason too, as well. Why bother? I don't need any of these things.
The only bad things I remember doing are... Running away from home, writing suicidal poetry, making people feel sorry for me, and ignoring my friends and avoiding them as much as possible. Sadly.. I still do avoid everyone. I don't know why. I'm overwhelmed by them, I suppose. Ironic how I'm lonely, yet I want to stay away.
I wish I didn't have such problems, because it's the kind of thing no one will understand. I can't tell my friends "oh, so sorry I've been avoiding you.. It just stresses me out to be with people.." They wouldn't get it. Nor is the shaking very understandable, nor my mood swings. So, it's a pity.
It's amusing how I am the ultimate innocent person and goody-goody person in school. The things I listed, and the fact that I never speak when the teacher is.. I never cause trouble, I follow directions, I never break rules, never listen to my music, never use a cell phone, never do anything really wrong.. And I get nearly all A's... I always was amused when I heard people muttering how 'she never does anything wrong..' and just whatever I caught them remarking. I wonder why it's so hard for them to just.. Sit and listen, and just deal with the useless crap that we have to learn..?
I'd argue with the school system, I'd rebel, but it's just damned not worth the effort. It changes nothing, and unless you have a serious conversation with a teacher after class nothing will taken seriously. Why cause a ruckus and make a big deal when it's just a waste of energy? They're really dumb, sometimes.. They slow everything down, and whine sooo much. Little damned kids. They may as well go back to kindergarten. It's such a bother, having peers who just don't want to be there. I'd like to sit there, as useless as it may all be, and get it over with. Less headache, that way. Talk to the teacher if you really want a difference in your studies. Just PLEASE don't whine and whine during class, muttering and grumbling.. *sighs*
Anyway, I'm done for today. Goodnight.
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