--
May 22nd, 2005.
I was listening to The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite by REM.
It was 3:04 PM. I was talking to you....
-
I don't look like that, even so, because damned camera distorts things and you can't see in detail. I'm tired looking and drab and blah.
Whatever, I've seen my friend on webcam, he looked exactly the same as he did in person.
Maybe increased contrasts explains the pretty colors with my photos, which make me look better than I do. *shrugs*
You look great, I don't care what you say
..*shakes head*
-pokes your forehead-
Then why doesn't anyone else agree, even when trying to be nice?
If no one else agrees, they're blind
-
Well do you want me to come down there and meet you in person and tell you that?
ha, yes
fine, I'll be there in July
sure thing *thumbs up* I'm counting on you to find a way and an excuse
I don't need an excuse. All I need is money
Where in Canada are you, hmm?
british columbia, right above you
that'll be neat, if you're at all serious
just gotta get like, $500
too much to spend
and a passport, don't know how to get those. Well, whatever it takes to convince you.
Haha *shakes head and laughs* I'll believe it when I see it. And when I hear that.
Oh, but you will
^__^ and then I'll be able to tell you you're not ugly, and you have to believe me
And I'll pretend I never heard you and fly away
hahaha, that's cruel
Whatever gets the work done
I'd glomp you before you escaped o__O
I'd pick you up, throw you into a cab and have it drive away
-
I think taking a plane is my best bet, likely
By yourself... o__O?
Of course.
I've never done that
Me neither. But how hard could it be?
-
I'm no more pretty than anyone else.
But you are
Whatever
it's true
lol, I can't believe it, you know. You may see it that way, but I can't see myself as it. You're the first who's said it
See? Now I know there's something wrong with your eyes
Ha. I'll believe I'm pretty once I have any reason to, besides what you say, there's no reason.
I know there's others whose thoughts are exactly as mine
Explain, why am I the only one who seems to not know any guys, hmm? If so pretty, why is it a problem?
Then the guys there are messed. There's no other explanation.
I thought pretty was pretty. Long perfect hair, perfect face, nice eyes, small nose, petite-ness and crap. That's what I see being viewed as pretty all around me. If guys talk to girls, they talk to them.
That's hollywood pretty, it's incredibly fake
Ha, I see a lot of hollywood girls, and everyone is quite taken by them
Every time I see them I question how long it took them to put on so much makeup
*chuckles*
All the actresses, I question how much of their face was there when they were born and how much of it is plastic
At least you can see past that. Maybe pretty to you, but not pretty. If someone's pretty, more than one person finds them to be.
True enough
so, there you go
who says others don't see you like I do?
my eyes, my ears, what I see everyday. It's too bad there aren't more like you
You'd be surprised. I'm very sure I'm right about this, whether you see it or not, it's there
Well, not here, it seems
Your eyes need adjusting
I do appreciate that you think so, and I suppose I prefer that the guys who see through the makeup and fakeness of it all would be the only ones who would like me. By definition, not pretty
Your definition is wrong
Ha, what's your definition
Don't have one, a definition is a restriction, I just know what I find pretty/beautiful
... ^ ^;
And you, are
ugh, whatever you say *can't think of a response*
cuz you know I'm right
noooo.. more I'm flattered/embarrassed, and what do I say to that?
you say.. you're right. Because I am, I bet I could find others who think the same
-
What he saw.
Stubborn.
Hah, me stubborn?
Very much so
What about you? It's plain and true yet you deny it
mm.. ph.. how is that pretty?
How is that not?
I look tired, dead. Hair's a mess, nose is big, circles under eyes
Keep in mind we've been talking for 13 hours straight, and your nose isn't big, it looks fine
lol. I always look like that. I'm always tired, and I always look dead.
You look quite alive to me
Jeez, it's as impossible as arguing religion
Ever since I've seen that first picture of you I've thought this
*laughs* I look like one of those sad homeless kids, looking closely.. =P
hah, no
with the big sad eyes and-- haha, whatever, that's what I see. I see a tired person who looks.. I dunno. Weary.
Your vision of yourself is very messed
Weird weary hopeful stare. Ha. I see through myself, I see who I am. And maybe that just amplifies how I see myself.
You've convinced yourself you're someone you're not
how do you know? I'm a weary, tired, bored, lonely, hopeful person. I'm trying to see through your eyes, but I see not much more.
Ok, what I see, a very pretty girl, full of incredible ideas, very smart, with poetry that inspires and photos that are to die for, and an amazing personality with the only flaw being your self image
...
That's what I see and that's what I believe you are
jeez, you shouldn't say all that. I might start to like you. And that makes it hard
Makes what all hard?
I dunno.. I might get attached to you
See, if you just believe me, cuz it's so true, everything would be a circle
What's that supposed to mean.. Shaky handed
I'm not really sure
haha, I can actually see my hands shaking. Kinda creepy.
Why are your hands shaking?
I dunno...
odd
no one's ever said that. How could it now-- I don't know, disconcert me?
what?
disconcert, shock/shake up. Take by surprise, disconcert
cuz it's true?
Ah..Unbalance, unsettle, ruffle, psych out, that's what it means
ok. Really, if that doesn't convince you, I'm left with the plane
Did you really have to do that...
Do what?
say all that
Yes, yes I did
now now, why I'm completely disconcerted by it all is.. I already learned the problem with all this, and the hard way.
hmm?
*laughs and shakes head*
-pokes your forehead-
you care, and if I find that no one seems to, I'll like you. You live far away. And this happened to me already, and even if I do, I'll always like you, because you were the one who told me. And I get too attached to people. So now you're screwed.
hmm...
if you were just trying to make me think I was pretty, you shouldn't have said that, because now I'm given the impression that you really do care, and therefore- I don't know. I know me.. I do this. You can't stay in contact with people who are far.. They fade away, eventually. And when you do this, even with him, who didn't care about me, it hurt a lot when they did.
Stupid question, but I guess you couldn't forget what I just said?
tsh, and now you realize. That's the problem with me, you know? I'm a fool
nah, not a fool
yes, a fool. I allow myself to do this crap. And don't you know, that's why he left
well, he was dumb
I got too attached. I talked to him for a long time, like this. It was exactly like this. Except he had me over time.
ok
I'm sorry
no need to be sorry
-
So, was the beginning of this. Five months ago. If I'm correct, it had been the third time we'd spoken to each other. We talked for more than 12 hours. Fear took me after he said that. Because I don't take people saying that lightly. And I don't take it lightly when I'm called pretty, when I'm half asleep and a complete mess. And when they actually sound honest. That was Zandry, debating with me.
So what has happened since then...? I warned him of my tendency to grow very attached to people... I was friends with him for some months... We talk nearly everyday.. I asked him if he would be my boyfriend, though the distance. He said he didn't know. I eventually found that he was in love with his best friend, Felicia. For a few days I was shook up and just sad, and then I asked him if he wanted me to leave, disappear. I wondered why he'd want me around, I'd be a bother and a burden. I questioned my worth and questioned how I knew this would happen.
The first time I had made the mistake, with Michael, I stayed far too long. He didn't want me to be there, he didn't want to tell me that he didn't want me around anymore. I refused to accept the truth.
So I asked Zandry if he wanted me to leave. I didn't want to be in a painful awkward friendship, split between friendship and love.
He refused to choose. He told me it was my choice, that he had nothing to say. I couldn't get anything out of him, that day. What do you want me to do? He said, again, for me to choose. I asked him if I should leave today. He says he has no opinion in this. I try to get him to tell me. I know how he refuses to express how he feels. I finally get something, along the lines of 'why do you have to leave? it's bull' or something. With that, I decided to stay. I sighed to myself 'well, here I go again, into a friendship that'll someday crash down somehow' I had assumed that at the start.
I found that he loved both Felicia and I. A love triangle.
So slowly the days passed and tension lessened.. The only large difference was, I didn't flirt with him, and '*hug*' was now replaced with '*friendly hug*'. This irritated me a lot, to tell the truth. We had a habit of saying something daring at the end of each conversation, whoever was leaving first would say something and then run off. Like maybe if I was going, I'd say '*kisses you*' and sign off as quickly as possible, before he could respond. That also diminished. Maybe we'd just say 'friendly hug', and I'd be like 'arg, how I loath the friendly hug'. So it went on like that. We talked as we did before, still daily. It became a lot more rare and infrequent, sending him pictures of me (pish, it was his request, no way else to see me). I didn't know how I should act, so I felt a bit limited and hesitant of any conversation. Days went by, and went by.
Just as the summer had started he had told me that his best friend's parents wouldn't let them talk, all summer. This is before I knew he loved her. He said, her parents didn't trust him.
So after days went by, out of the blue when we were talking, he told me that Felicia had told him last time they'd spoken, that her parents would never let them date, and that they have to remain friends. I blinked at that, and wondered why he said it, without sounding sad, and in a 'guess what' sort of voice. "huh" I said. "so.. does this mean I have a chance?" He said it did.
After that, things became as they were before I asked him if he'd be my boyfriend. Because, after all, he said "If it weren't for Felicia I would have said yes" And though that phrase haunted me, as the only reason it couldn't be, it made it easier, now.
I have a chance.. That made all the difference. Though we may never be bf/gf, I don't have to hesitate to joke and flirt or whatever I feel like doing.
More days went by. I remembered faintly my mom mentioning going on a trip with me, just the two of us. I asked her, can't we go visit Zandry in Canada? She thought about it, but decided it was much too far to go.
Zandry and I talked for a long time one night. "I wish you could come here...." I said. After a while, though I knew it was stupid, such a dream, I asked myself.. 'why in the world can't he?'
I looked up the cost of plane tickets. $219 for the way here, $219 to go back. I decided, he'd pay to come here, I'd pay for him to go back. We talked a long time, looked at the website, got confused, I called him 'hun', he gave me a weird look, I laughed, asked if I could call him that, on occasion. Don't remember what he said, but I had to promise to never, ever, call him something like.. Oh I don't know, just think of one of those really dumb names that people call each other.. Honey bunny or something. He said he'd never speak to me again if I ever called him that. If I'm right, that night we talked all night, we were both half asleep, and he said some things that caught be by surprise, leading me to say "I can't believe you said that" he said "how could you not see that coming?" and I replied "hey, you usually wouldn't say it" and he "I have, you just didn't hear me" I reply "only in your head". "yes"
Now I'm still waiting to figure out if this'll work. Mom's gonna talk to his grandma tomorrow, and so maybe we'll know more for sure about if he can come visit or not. Huh..
How suspenseful, huh?
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