Just Had..

Just had an inspirational conversation with my friend.

Well, I inspired myself, lol. More, I just enjoyed some more soul-spilling, talking my heart out about my ideas and what I love in life and how I wish other people could understand. I still can't get over how he just listens, and simply continues listening, and doesn't get sick of it.

It started as just me trying to let out how I felt about the whole love triangle thing. First I tried to make it all make more sense, for him, of how I felt in such a position. "Say that she wasn't your best friend... Say that she had a best friend, who was a guy... and.." and I continue for a long time, putting him in my shoes. I explained how I felt, giving him the idea of how it would be for him.

If your best friend wasn't your best friend.. If you loved her, and she was in love with her best friend, who was a guy...

".... Think that you just asked her out, and found she was in love with him, and can't choose. So you'd be between trying to think of what's best for her, and your own wishes, and you'd be looking at the guy, wondering, is he the best for her? Think of how it is, you don't know what you should say and not say to her, as that you wish she could be yours, yet you know she loves someone else, too. Maybe this guy has a few things about him that could arise conflict, and you can't help but think, wouldn't it be easier, with me? Why not me?
So, another thing you're thinking, is, I should back off. Obviously she loves him, and I'd be no better. Something says, you just don't want to get in the way, and though she means everything to you, you think you should give it up, for her good. Another part says, but could I be better? What does he have that I don't? And then the other side says, how would I mean anything more? Etc etc etc... and then you decide, just to be there for her if something goes wrong, and stop trying to win her back.. and so you try your best to fight off any thoughts and arguments against why he would be no good, and let it go. Because she'd be better off, that way? You don't know, but that's all you can do.
So you'd try to leave it up to her to decide, and try to believe she'd make the right choice, though your head says, why? Do I really have to leave it up to fate, again? Haven't I just lost, a few months ago? Why do I have to let go? Yet you know you should.. or should you? It's hard to tell. But you know you'd be guilty. Her best friend means a lot to her, and you would feel bad, for her best friend, even, because he'd feel that you werer stealing her from him. And who knows, maybe it was better, her with him. So, you're stuck not really knowing what part of you to go with. Give up the dreams, or not? Let go? Keep hoping? And you can just wait, and maybe half-heartedly try to figure out what to believe. And you can't help but dream a bit still. Will you get lucky? You don't want to believe you will, because you know how it hurts when dreams you put so much into fade away. Yet hope is comforting, and you can't help it.. You try to keep your feelings to yourself. If she'd known, would she reallly make the right decision? She'd feel bad for you, and simply choose you for that reason, or be guilty when she did not. You want to be with her, but gawd, you don't know what's right. You're not sure if you're blinded by your own dreams and hope, or if you should believe you're right, for once. You wonder, if she did choose you, would she regret it? Part of you wishes she'd choose you out of guilt, just so you could prove it. Prove your worth. But you realize, it's selfish. You wish she'd try, just so you could see, just so if it was the wrong decision, you'd know for sure it wasn't meant to be. Or you'd see, if maybe the two of you should be together. You don't know, and you know that it's not even a possibility, so you shouldn't think about it. You hate being in the position, because you care about her, and your own selfishness, it destroys anything from being pure. If she was crushed, going for him and losing him, you would be sad, but you couldn't help but be happy? you'd have a chance. You can't trust yourself anymore, and don't know what feelings are actually for her sake, what thoughts and what advice is actually anything but a wish to sway her to you. So, you're stuck.


I told him this.


And then got into my head. It goes pretty deep. Got into how I view everything, as I continued spouting out thoughts and ideas and dreams...