Looking Through my Files, and Oppression

I want to be an author. Isn't it obvious? Or maybe a poet, if I have any potential. These things are hard to measure, especially in your own eyes.. As an artist can be their own worst critic.. So, I wouldn't know. Can I really stay on one subject long enough to write a book, or anything? It seems hard to live off of.. So I'll have another job, next year, working at some store.. Sure thing.

I'm looking through my file.. It's interesting, I've never actually looked at it.
Comments from my kindergarten teacher in first quarter.. .. wow. :
"Tanya is a great listener and contributor to our class discussions and studies. Her answers, questions and comments are thoughtful and imaginative. Tanya is a reader and writer! She is eager to read and write and her grasp of reading strategies and comprehension skills are above average. Tanya has shown good comprehension of math concepts. Tanya has many friends. Her sweet, helpful personality draws other children to her. The whole class loves to work and play with her and she includes everyone. I am impressed by her 'people' skills. Tanya is a joy to have in class!"

Interesting. Math, you kidding? Well, I suppose at that age, any skills in math is a plus. The people skills is also a surprise. And, "the whole class".. I don't remember. Ha.. So it was obvious even then, writing and reading.. It's interesting reading this, because I'd never seen it, and it's from another perspective. 1995.. I was five..

Here's what I said "My favorite thing in kindergarten are Birthday Parties." *looks at my report card* Oh yeah.. We used numbers back then.. Hm.. 1's were for if you exceeded level, 2 for meeting level.. I got all 2's and 1's. The only T I got (T is if you need time to develop) was with working independently... And the ones I got the best on were "Respects rights, ideas, feelings" and "Works cooperatively in a group" ..I hate working in groups. But maybe back then, it was easier to. Because now all these lazy peers don't do any work, while I end up doing a lot of it. In kindergarten, you did coloring and learning to write.. So simple.. Ha, sometimes I wish it was back to that. I know.. Well, I just wish I could be a kid again, but with my mind now.. My twelve-year-old mind. Old enough to know better, but young enough to be a child. I'd hate it if we all went back to then, though. Everyone would be whining.. I mean, my current peers in school and such.. Well, I don't know what I mean.. But I want less cramming for the WASL, SAT, ACT, ITED, ITBS.. So many damned tests. I just want to go back to simple, when the biggest arguments were over four-square, and who gets to use the jump rope. I want to talk, again.. I mean.. All I hear in class is kids whining, constantly. I'm soo sick of it. They're like "Connie's on crack" or "There she goes again.." It makes me so.. annoyed.. I want to be able to have class discussions, be able to voice my opinion.. I remember when we did that every day, in Elementary school.. We could tell anything, we could even have discussions about problems with the school, or personal, even.. I miss it way too much.

Oh.. Here's some more.. It's funny.. Here's what she said third quarter I mean, what the hell?? :

"Tanya is one of the happiest children I have ever had the pleasure to teach. She is happy to work, play, be with her friends, listen, talk, share -- EVERYTHING! She is well liked by all her classmates. She is friendly and helpful. Tanya is doing strong work in all areas of study. She is a clear thinker who has much to add to our discussions and projects. She is self-confident in most things, readily accepts responsibility and her imagination is wonderful! She is highly motivated in her learning and is always eager to find out just a little bit more. Tanya knows all of the letters of the alphabet and the sounds they make. She is developing the use of knowledge in her reading and writing. Her writing (both dictated writing and her own writing) is always fun to read. Tanya is above or right where she should be at this time of year on our math development continuum. She has a strong mathematical sense and has no trouble understanding and developing new concepts. It is a pleasure to have Tanya in class. I am enjoying watching her grow and am glad she is in our class!"

Wow. Talk about strange.. *laughs* I wish all of that was true now.. I don't remember having a lot of friends. Maybe I was talkative..? I had a strong sense of being nice to people, I suppose, as I still do.. Jeez.. So much positive.. I remember that lady, Ms. Howard.. Hardly, though. She didn't actually stay in teaching.. All I remember is faintly. I remember she had short-ish brown/black hair.. And red lipstick. Yeah. The general memory of her is positive, and I remember hugs. As a kid you hug everyone, I swear.

4th quarter.. :

"Tanya is above or right where she should be for this time of the year on both the reading and math continuum. She does strong work in all areas and I have enjoyed having her in my class. She is more than ready to be a great success in first grade! Tanya has many friends. She is friendly and helpful to everyone and everyone likes her. Her classmates love her sweet, fun personality and gravitate naturally to her. She has wonderful stories to tell, is enthusiastic about learning and has a great imagination. I have loved watching Tanya's writing develop. She has the idea of writing already ingrained in her learning and she uses it!"

Well, jee. Is there anything wrong with me, at this point? Darn it. I want to be the happiest kid you've ever seen, haha. And I want to be liked by everyone. And I want friends to gravitate towards me.. Pish. I wish I was the age where nothing matters. You can look weird, you can dress up, you can wear a costume and no one will look at you funny. Wanna be Pocahontas for a day? You could, back then.. You were looked at as children.. *sigh* Miss it miss it miss it.

What else is in the file? An article about Harry Potter, some little reports I did, kindergarden homework.. And tracing paper. As a kid, because I couldn't draw well on my own, I traced all my picture books. I'd get them from the library, books full of stories about faires, and I'd trace the pictures.. not bad for a young age. It is fun to do.. And here's a note to my great uncle, or someone.. A thank you for the porcelain dolls from my great aunt, who had recently died..
A letter to Santa.. In cursive. "Dear Santa, if you're not my parents I'm very sorry about the last years destirbance. I'm also sorry that I did not bring cookies. love, Tanya"
This is such fun to look through.. Here's a ticket to the "Museum of Science and Industry" A one-way metro ticket... Prints of my hands as a baby, from the' Seattle Police Explorers'.. More homework.. An invitation to my 10th birthday party.. A report on the book "The Cay" .. A crayon drawing of one of my star people, and a heart made of two people kissing. *snickers* I remember, whenever I drew that, there'd be an echo of "ewwww!" by everyone who saw it. Hahah..
When I was little, I read the book The Dumb Bunnies. And wrote a story about it, my version, it seems. There's a drawing of the bunnies.. And on the back, a picture of a smoker "bad" and a picture of a no smoking sign "good".
Sorry, I'm having fun, and going on forever. How do you guys manage to read something I update so often..? You don't. Okay, got my answer, nevermind. *shrugs*
----

Hm.. An autobiography I did at age nine.. Did you know my parents named me Tanya because it 'means' fairy queen? At least the name books say, and I think it's the name of the fairy in Midsummer Night's Dream. I saw a play of that, and it was really really good. Amazing visuals.. I don't remember much of it, though. I'm the middle child.. I've never lived anywhere else, always lived in this house. "I'm hilarious, shy, and kind" *laughs* Hilarious...? "I'm good with clay but I'm bad at cursive" Hm.. Huh.. "To relax I eat apples" ... okay.. I don't remember that either. How is eating apples relaxing? "my favorite food is rice and teriyaki" well, that hasn't changed. "I would like to be the greatest sculptor of all time. I also want to see my grandchildren" Haha.. I don't sculpt anymore.. I used to make little things for fun.. As gifts..

A report card from middle school.. All A's, one B. All A's, all A's, all A's. I don't know how I keep it up. Will I still?
---

And with that, I was pulled away from the computer on my chair, had the folder snatched from my hands, and a sneering face I am all too familiar of. Think 'Draco Malfoy' or 'Snape' heck.. who's another villain that annoys the hell out of you? Just think of the character that crushes the dreams and hopes of the main character.. So he's standing over my shoulder..I HATE that..

Anyway, so it's night time, very late, I admit... He claims the entire upstairs to be his "room" (every computer, video game, and form of technology is UP HERE), and kicks me out all the time, even if he has to drag me. Drag me down the stairs, humiliate me because I'm stubborn, and hate him when he does that. Wish to attack him, but I can't. I swear at him instead. Because he's not nice at all. Well, I used to never swear, but I'll swear at him. I said 'fuck you' for the first time in my life last night. But, not like I haven't whispered it once in a while.

So he claims I'm in his room, that it's time for bed, that I have to go. He gets all in my face.. Says I'm a brat and why can't I just go downstairs. Gets all full of sneers and insulting, loves to bother me as it is. He'll walk over to me, stare at what I'm doing, and I hide it all, just because I don't want him ever to read what I write, never ever. I hate him. So I hide it, and then he refuses to go away so I can finish writing or doing what I'm doing, and I tell him to leave me alone. He doesn't, just stands and stares. When I don't move, he tries to log me out, which is when I yell at him that I have unsaved things. Sometimes he does anyway, saying 'you should have left, then' Well, hell, I'm not going to do anything with you staring at the screen and harassing me with that arrogant attitude that makes me want to hit you. It's not your room.. You have a room downstairs. Yet you claim this one because it was too hot in your room, LAST summer. And then mom never makes you come back down, and you take responsibility to drag me to my room kicking and yelling. I hate you I hate you.

I'd love to hurt him. Wipe that damned sneer off his face, get rid of those arrogant words. I want him to stop it. I'm responsible for myself. And I don't care what he thinks. I can't respect him. 'he loves you' 'he missed you' 'look at all the nice things he does for you' Yeah, to save himself from his guilt, I bet. What, do you remember dragging me down? Do you remember how it hurt? You don't know it hurts, and even when I say, you sure don't care. I can't respect him. Ever. He says I'm fat jokingly, calls me a goth, his insults are his amusements. He drinks pop and then complains when I do. Watches me forced to eat something I hate just to get something I could have stole from the kitchen as a midnight snack. He loves to watch me get annoyed, suffer. Of course when I cry he'd feel bad, but only then. I can't be glad that he cares, because he only cares when he really hurts me, and when it shows. He loves to threaten to find my password and erase this, erase my log in. Erase my art. He can, he tells me how. I hate him. More than anyone. Do you think it links to when he hit me, because he was frustrated playing his video games? A habit, taking it out on everyone else. Yell and say it's our fault. I remember I'd ask 'why can't it be like it used to be, why can't he be nice, why can't he??' He may not do that anymore, but I remember. I wrote about it in my diary.. *sighs* Leave this place, you idiot. Move out. I only have 6 more months to deal with him. Thank god. I'm sick of being told what to do. The only reason I wouldn't go to bed would be because I don't want him to tell me what to do, and refuse to let him make me go down early.

Oppression. So much oppression. He can do whatever the hell he wants, he can make me look like such a bad person in comparison. He'll do the dishes, and say that I'm not. He'll say that I'm too picky, that they should make me try the food. And they do. They do they do. He'll note that I got a B instead of an A, he'll mock my choice of what to wear, he'll laugh at what I write.

*sighs* Every time he does that, I swear to never speak to him again. Yet, every day, he goes back to my nice acting brother. Full of insults but nice. Joking. Just being himself. Yet.. *sighs* I don't know. I just want him gone. I want to be gone.

I want to go away so badly. I'm stressed by the smallest things, and I just want to leave home, for like, a month. I want a month living all by myself. Mostly alone. I'd love that more than anything. I'd love to have my own place, that I could dec out however I wanted to. I have a nice family, yet I want to leave even so. I always have. I can't learn to be independent, this way. I want to do things myself, without people TELLING me to. When you tell me to do something I've never done before, it makes me more worried about it. Because it becomes to be something expected of me. I want to do things that worry me without an audience. It's kinda sad.. Just simple things worry me. Ordering a pizza, anything to do with the phone. Just one of those things you fear because being awkward, and not knowing what to say. I want to leave so badly.. With quiet I'd get so much more done. In my own environment. Lol.. I'd be able to think. I wish I wish I wish.

Mm.. Procrastination is such a terrible habit. Heck.. Why can't I just do it now? Maybe I can will myself to. Let's see. -- *starts working on it* Blah. I hate to research, so slow.. Gyah gyah gyah..

Ohiyo gozaimas... Watashi wa namae wa Tanya desu! Douzo youroshiku! Eto.. Neko ga suki desu. To.. eto... Watashi no shumi wa e to eiga desu! Anata no shumi wa nan desuka?

Choose Your Own End

Just wanted to mention...

When I was little, what did I believe? There are so many religions out there, so many faiths.. I had no idea. So you know what I did? I decided, everyone was right. Every single theory, idea, belief. Why are they all right? What you believe becomes your fate. I believed as a child, that if you thought there was a heaven, there was a heaven. If you thought you'd be reborn, you would be. Death is filled with such an emptiness, an unknown, so why can't there be more than one? Why can't it vary for each person? Maybe it does. So that's why I'm so respectful towards all beliefs. Because they're not wrong.. It is what they have chosen to believe, and is their choice of ending. Like one of those "choose your own adventure" books.. You choose where you go, you choose how the story ends. I'm not respectful to Christianity as much as the rest, because too many rude people are going around, saying I should believe what they do. Holding up signs, protesting diversity itself. What if I don't want to go to hell? What if I don't want to determine all I do by some man up there who rules everything? What if I don't want to split the bad and good by such a thin, wavering line? You don't go to church, you go to hell. Come on. I'm not going to choose that. I'm not going to end my story with that. I'm ending it with rebirth, emptiness, or going somewhere beyond. And that's how it'll end, and fate will choose for me which. How are you ending your story?

Ooo! New Idea!

You know, I have another idea about religion.

Okay, let's say we're reborn. We just die and get reborn over and over and over.. Until you reach that utter peace or whatever, where you are perfectly peaceful and have no yearning for anything. And I think once you reach that, you're like that for every life you have later. Well, seeing the world now, it sure would take a while. If everyone was like that, what would it be like? Heaven. The earth wouldn't last long enough for everyone to become like that... I don't think so, at least. Anyway, so.. If everyone managed to become enlightened or reached that peace, then wouldn't the world become heaven? I mean, there would be no arguing, no greed, no war, no hate.. We'd be able to fix everything, with a peaceful mind like that. We wouldn't need separate countries and stuff.. We wouldn't need jail, because no one would yearn for what they don't have, and everyone would be willing to give and help those unfortunate. So earth would become a heaven... A theory..

Of course, since I don't know what I believe, it could or couldn't be, so my theories are a bit worthless.. But it's interesting nonetheless.

Perplexing Glances

*shivers* So late at night.. I shouldn't be awake. Let alone, writing here. But an escape! And I can't imagine how anyone reads all this. *shakes head* Well, I'll slow down, sometimes.. Or, maybe not. Because I can't block this flood of words.. Can't stop it. Not at all.
I have a smile glued to my face. A burning sensation of something like happy. Urge to laugh, or to choke. Well, but it's good.. I think. It's like holding back a laugh. Another thank you to the stranger..

Today I walked down to the bus at 9, feeling nervous a bit.. Just because I get the icky feeling that I'm going at the wrong time, because it's a late arrival day. Usually I got to school at 7:25, so it's odd to go at 9.. Worries me, even. So I walk down, and seeing three people with backpacks, I'm put more at ease.. I wait for bus 72.. And get on. I pull out fifty cents from my pocket, glancing at the sign. Pay as you enter. I remember as a child, I never knew how in the world everyone knew when to pay, and which door to go in and out of.. So, I'm growing up... eh..? Hah.. It amuses me. I don't feel grown up. Never will.
So I get on the bus, drop the coins in the slot, sit in the first seat available. I sit next to another girl, a few years older. Sit and stare ahead.. Remember halfway that I should study for a Japanese test I was absent for. Oh hell, oh well. It was too late to do that.

I get off past Red Light, past Continental, near Twice Sold Tales. I pass there, on the corner, and turn right. Walk slowly, focused on my feet, and the backpack.. and notebook I had clutched in my hands. I look forward, and see a familiar face.. I don't even know her name. I get closer, see her absorbed in her music. Closer, closer. Before I give her a full wave, I glance briefly to my right. To my surprise, he's there. Who is he..? I don't even know. I could swear that I saw him smile, maybe just a little.
I wave at my acquaintance, and we say our hellos, and doze off as we wait for our bus. I start wondering if I'm imagining things again, and wondering if it was all just me..

Do you ever get the feeling that there's something weird about someone? Or, just a vibe. 'my spider sense is tingling' sort of thing. I get a weird feeling that he likes me, for some reason. I don't know.. I swear that he just gives me this look. When you pass people in the halls, you walk past them, hardly see them.. Especially if you don't know them. They're just another obstacle to your class. But I swear that he sees me, or something.. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Really. I might just be daydreaming, because no one's ever had a crush on me or anything, so I always wished for it to be so. Yeah yeah, hush up. I also think it could be just me, because it could be a coincidence. Maybe he looked, so I looked, so he wondered why I looked, so he looks every time to see if I'm looking, wondering why I keep doing that, as I look to see if he looks, wondering the same thing.. hahah. I don't know!! It could be! That sort of thing happens, sometimes. It's funny. Seriously.. But.. What's with that look you keep giving me... huh..? Should I ask you? Cause hell, drives me crazy. It's been like four months, and I keep on noticing. I still think I'm wrong, but it'd be nice if I was right. Because just the idea of someone liking me is weird. I'm the strange one, I'm the tomboy who has no attractiveness whatsoever. Ha. And he doesn't know me. So what's with that?

I remember, years ago, I thought to myself 'I wouldn't care who it was. It could be a class clown, an ugly person, someone who's weird.. I'd still love it if someone liked me.. Just anyone' I got no Valentines this year, come on! That's just cold.
..I think the most horrifying discovery in my lifetime was that my mother faked some Valentines so I would feel.. special. In 7th grade. God. I burned them, literally. She sat and watched, after admitting. I got like three from damned 'secret admirers'.. And only to find out a year later that it was a hoax. Most disappointing thing. I couldn't believe that my mom, who I trusted, would do that to me. "It wasn't my idea!!" *rolls eyes* Terrible. She's learned, though. I'd rather be alone than be lied to, to believe that I'm not.
I always wanted to get one of those real, genuine admirer notes, valentines, something... But, I guess not many people get those, anyway. It would be nice to have something to put a bounce in my step, though.. Just something to guess about, something to feel cheerful about. Something to drive me crazy. : P I'd think to myself.. Why don't they just say who they are..? I'm never going to guess. Heck, if I guessed, I'd guess wrong. And that'd be bad. So secret admirer notes aren't the best idea..

I'm tired.. Hard to make sense, and hard to talk right. I want to write more in-depth, but I'm too tired. Again.. Haha. I'm so bad at this! I need to go to bed, I'm such an idiot! And my homework, and all this.. Stuff! Lots! I don't know how I survive, with four hours of sleep and hardly enough time to have breakfast.. Yet I still talk to Nikhil and try to for as long as I can.. ha. I guess I need to talk to someone, otherwise go crazy. Yeah. Surely.

I find it so odd how I'm such a... Hermit.. a person who avoids everyone, is stressed, and simply dislikes the idea of being with people.. Yet.. I get lonely. Yet I need to talk, and talk.. and talk some more. Maybe that's why I got so attached to ____, hmm? The only guy I knew, anyway. He was the only one I could really tell everything to. But, it ended terribly. My gloom, it was too much for him. Or, just something.. I made everything complicated, I was easily insulted. Well, I assumed far too much. I would get wrapped up in my fears that came with his silence, leading me to worry about things that weren't even directed at me. He was a confusing person, full of mood swings like me. But, he'd hide it. He'd bottle it all up. And he never would tell me. My god, enough of him... wait..

I remember.. What did we say, it was getting harder to talk, and I didn't know why.
"you shouldn't have to make up things to to talk about.."
"well.. I'd rather talk than be silent.. We had this conversation some time before, I remember. Why does it bother you?"
"It's like even though we've known each other for so long we can't just have a normal chat without having to bring in something fake"

Ha.. I have stuff stuffed in a backpack, in the back of my closet. Virgo, pictures, diary entries, printouts, post it notes, lockets.. Everything that reminds me of him. It was on the bus, one day, that I decided he was right.. It was time to go. Leave him behind, and let him go. I had fresh air, I just went downtown, all over, watching the people.. Until night time. Starry night, on the bus with the dim glow. I looked around.. So many wonderful people, I hadn't noticed. I started thinking.. And I wondered.. Why was I holding so tightly to someone who wasn't even there with me..? I can't see him, I can't hear him. And every conversation was starting to ache. Forced, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Something... I don't know why. Just my damaging personality. And so I thought for a long time.. And though.. I want to move on. But how..? It would hurt. I was afraid to go, because I knew when I left, it was over forever. I ask him how. Days later, it sinks in.. It's not right. He's right. It's not working, it will never, it's a fading dream, of lost memories. Memories of that summer, and the laughs. I decide, it's time to go. I talk with good humor, and no tears shed. What did we say?
"*chuckles* ready for take two?"
"you make it seem easy"
"lol.. is it not easy for you? I prefer to keep- I don't know, but I'm not going to- be all sad, it makes it worse"
"is there some formula to do this right or something"

"you soak your world in emotion, yet see others in black and white. It limits contact possibilities. Clingy, naive, questioning of a reality deserving questions... refusal to admit confusion"
"haha.. not refusal, hesitance. Well, maybe both. I get confused too easy, I feel bad making you explain everything. I feel like I'll irritate you more than I already do. : )"
"which leads back to the limited contact possibilities"
"true."
"its goodbye"
"ok.."
"its too late to hesitate, so why do you"
"I'm merely figured out your last words.. But, if you'd like it to end now, let's. Let you say what you wanted beforehand.. Ok, so, you're ready, nothing more to say? *chuckles* Am I misconceiving that?"
"its your turn"
"to say last words?"
"what else"
"lol.. Last words to you.. I almost have already said them before. Merely, I want you to not be gloomy, remain happy, meet people who make you happy-- Just want to wish you luck with everything, and to remember the good times, not just the bad, please. Understand that I never wanted to hurt you, that I now wish you well. 'keep writing, keep drawing..--' 'and that's all I have to say' Thanks, and sorry"
"no reason to apologize"
"ha, yeah right. I'm sorry for arguing with you, bothering you, and being a pain in the ass! And I thank you for the smiles, laughs, inspirations, and for being there for me. No, your writing doesn't suck, and your drawings are great, so keep working on them, and being inspired. Laugh at the smallest of things, that helps. Laugh more than cry."
"you know.. for a while.. ill have trouble.."
"will you?"
"wondering every night, about where you are, what your doing, if its okay. But eventually, it will be okay. Not every word is heard."
"after 70 days with you gone, it surprises me."

Enough of that... Brooding over the past just doesn't do any good, does it?

"last words said
please don’t frown
or hang your head
but smile instead
and know that better
lingers
around the corner
and know that with a beginning’s end
comes another"

Ah, that poem.. Okay, I'm sick of talking about that, and this. La la la. Goodnight yet again, blog and whoever reads about my dramatized life.

PS I cleaned my entire room today.. Washed all the china stuff, cleaned and vacuumed.. Wow. Sooo cleann.. Anyway, I'll talk later. Goodnight.

So, What DO I Believe?

I'm remaining agnostic, and will always be. Otherwise, what would I call myself? I'm not an Atheist, I'm not a Christian, I'm not Jewish, I'm not Buddhist.. What do you do, when all your beliefs clash with the rules and ideas of each religion? They mix and match..

For a while I've had no idea what to believe. I don't even think about it. I mean, why.. I'm alive, I'm not there or then. I'm not sent by a god, I'm not on a path. I don't ponder these things.. But I had some free time to stare into space, so I thought up what I believe. Or, something close, as of now. Don't laugh, because there are more ridiculous sounding things in every religion... Just because you don't believe mine doesn't mean yours isn't ridiculous, too.

So, what of the start of the world? What happened..? I believe, not a god, but a force beyond human knowledge. Indescribable, like infinity. You can't see infinity, it doesn't fit in your mind's eye. 'God' wouldn't, either. So some indescribable force made us to be as we are. Or, at least got the ball rolling. This force sculpted the first creatures into existence, and made this flaming hot ball of gasses into life. I'd refer to this force as God, as it is commonly known, but I'm sick of that word. Because when you hear "god" you think 'worship'.. You think of all the other religions. I'll refer to this God thing as Prelude... But, Prelude isn't a person. Prelude doesn't look like us, they're not a man, woman, it is an it. It doesn't have a face, it doesn't have a body.. I think of it as a shapeshifter. Prelude has no form, nothing to see, invisible.. So you can have it however you wish. It can be in different forms, and appear in different shapes and sizes. It just is. It's not one thing, it's not one picture. Every religion's view of what Prelude looks like is right, but not how Prelude works. It died, creating us. Prelude isn't alive, watching us. It doesn't have eyes, anyway. It just was, it created, it was done. It goes away, or creates more somewhere else. Or, dies, if that's possible. So Prelude was, and now is gone.

Prelude just started up the world. It gave us all we needed, and the rest was evolution. It's like an ant farm. You give them all they need, and that's that. You leave the building and continuing to the ants. Prelude planted the seeds, left them to grow. I'm not sure about evolving from monkeys, but we did evolve. We may have been already there, or not.. But we didn't stay the same.

Now the death thing is something I don't know about. I haven't died, and I imagine that death is like nothing I've ever experienced. All I can do is make an educated guess. I believe three choices. Either, when you die, nothing happens.. You're gone, it's over, your mind and soul are gone.. Or, you go somewhere.. Your soul, your spirit.. You go somewhere.. Or, lastly, you are reborn. Those three are the ones I think could be. Because I don't believe that Prelude is anything like God, and because Prelude is dead or gone, I don't believe in heaven or hell.

I don't like how everyone says that they KNOW what happens when they die. They don't. They're so.. Arrogant. It's silly. Everyone says "I'm right! I'm right!" but how do they know? "because the bible says so" "because the koran says so" "because--" You're wrong. I feel, that we should be open to any ideas, and know that we aren't necessarily correct. We haven't died yet, have we? Maybe we have. But we really don't know. Realizing that, we should now, accept that we could be wrong, and others could be wrong, but that's fine. You're not going to be punished for a wrong answer. This isn't school, my friends. Spreading your religion.. It's the worst thing you can do. It's cruel. My belief is, believe what you want! Prelude doesn't care. Prelude can't hear you. Prelude is a thing of hope, and just of respect. You can't anger Prelude, you can't talk to Prelude.. It doesn't matter. Knowing that whatever you believe is fine, you should believe whatever makes you feel good. If you don't want to think about Prelude being dead, then don't believe it. If you're happy knowing someone's watching you, believe it. What makes you happy.. That's the point. You don't need to believe things that hurt you.. At least, not in this case.

Sin.. Sin sin sin. Everyone loves to talk about sin. All you Christians, all you that believe in heaven and hell.. All that believe in "him". I remember a Muslim kid in my class.. He said "if you don't believe in heaven and hell, if you don't believe you'll be punished, how do you ever do right?" We don't need punishment to do what is right. Those raised on the fear of punishment.. They rely on it, to do right. But I have my own mind, my own 'god' inside of me, telling me, don't do that. Don't steal, don't cheat.. Why..? Because it makes me unhappy. You get punished internally if you do wrong. So, I don't need a belief of the "man" up there bringing me to burn. I punish myself, and learn. Fear.. Fear.. I don't need fear.

Back to sin. My belief is, Prelude doesn't like sin. Who would like it? If Prelude knew pain, it would shake it's head, if it had a head.. If it had a body, it would be perfect. If it was at all human. But it's not. But Prelude (god) has nothing to do with sin! Prelude is gone! Prelude just started the world. So, in a way, there is no God. But, that doesn't mean it wasn't ever there. Prelude doesn't love, Prelude doesn't hate.. Get the picture?

My opinion on worship.. It's fine. Worship Prelude, or your god, or whatever you worship. But, don't do it to the point of hurting yourself. Prelude isn't a celebrity! It's not going to hurt you if you don't respect it. It can't hurt you, and it never will. Showing respect for Prelude is fine, but don't expect a reward.. You don't need to worship it ever, you don't need to every week. I feel that instead of spending so much time worshiping Prelude, we should worship each other.. I know, it sounds weird. We're worshiping a dead thing. We're spending hours reading from our books and telling our stories, while people die and are in pain. Worship those who are kind, those who truly are your saviors. Less time for the deceased.. We need to move on. We need to save the living, not staring at the dead, and thanking them. We must remember the dead, Prelude, but we must open our eyes and see clearly, and help unselfishly. We need to lesson the hurt we deal out, and keep the world turning, as Prelude started it. I'll never go to church, I concentrate on my actions and how I impact others.

I used to pray, you know? I did about five times in my life. I did when I wasn't sure.. I prayed and asked why, and asked things.. And then I prayed to say goodbye. I said "I can't believe in you." I told it, that I couldn't believe it could let all those people suffer, that it could leave people to burn down below. That a good God would never do that. That I can't respect God, that it wasn't worth it. So I prayed goodbye, and didn't believe he was watching. So, I conclude, Prelude is gone. Prelude is dead. Why do we suffer? We don't suffer because of Prelude. We control it. We let each other die. We let each other suffer. Prelude is some people's scapegoat.. They won't accept that it's their own faults. It's my fault, too. But I accept that. I understand. My inaction. I tried blaming Prelude, but it doesn't work. I still hurt inside, when I lay it all on someone I can never see, hear, or feel. When I prayed, I didn't feel anything.. I felt like I was talking to silence. I felt like the only thing that could hear me, was myself.

My father did something, to convince my mother.. To convince her, Prelude wouldn't kill him. That Prelude can't touch him. It was a stormy night, and raining. They were walking home, and there was so much lightning and thunder.. He yelled "God, if you exist, strike me down!" My mother was terrified. She told him to stop, but he continued to say it, shout it. He wasn't touched, no lightning went near them. My mother got over any fear she had of Prelude. By the way, when I say Prelude, I mean either the God most believe in, or my own. You call "him" god, I call it Prelude. Same thing, different idea. But when I say it, I mean either and or. To clarify.

So until now, I haven't had a thought about Prelude, nor sin, nor heaven or hell. I don't think about sin. I think about myself.. I think, "that hurt her.. I shouldn't have said that.. oh no.." I don't say it because it's a sin. I say it, because I know how it feels to hurt. And anyone with a conscience should understand this. I respect all who believe in Prelude as a living, watching god.. But I think I'm beyond that. I think a living god is a comfort.. For those who need hope. I feel that it is something good for the people. Please, respect all beliefs. Respect the Atheists, the Christians, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Jews, the Muslims, the Agnostic, the Shinto, and all other religions..! You aren't sent on a mission to make everyone think the same as you, and let people happy in these religions remain with it.

Last, I'll talk of angels. Guardian angels. In a way, I believe in them. Strange, because I don't believe in heaven or hell.. But do they have to be from there? Can spirits roam? I have no stable idea of death, so it is unknown to me. Maybe they can save you..? Maybe a spirit can push you out of the way, maybe they can give you a lifesaving idea, going into your head. Maybe the freshly dead could talk to you, in your dreams. Maybe. I believe that it is possible, but all of it is surrounded by question marks and maybe. I can't know until I die, if I have the power to know at that time. But, guardian angels.. Many forms? When I speak of guardian angels, they can be people or spirits. I feel partly, that everyone is a guardian angel, in some way. Everyone is a guardian angel at some point in their life. Everyone can be. A kind deed can save someone, and that's when you're their angel. I feel that a soul mate is your final and forever guardian angel. And with that, I'll end this...

No offense to anyone who disagrees. I believe in letting you believe, so let me.

Oh Good..

It's night now.. I'm back. No no, I wasn't gone that long, don't worry.

So I took a breath and cleared my head, went down and simply said "I'm going for a walk." They say "Where?" "To the park" "Which one" "community center" "ok. Bring the cellphone. Here.." She gets me it, and fusses with me as I grab some music and my sketchbook, as well as something to write with. Gives me a dollar in case I get thirsty, today was a sunny sunny day.

I put on my blue sunglasses and wave goodbye, head down the hill. Free! I'm free! Just relief. I felt like skipping, it was such a lift of the burden. Deep breathes and my need to scream fades, as I feel on my own, for once. Alone.. Thank god for alone. I can't help but smile to myself. I did it. I escaped. No brothers, no mother, no nothing. No words. No worry. Air, sun, flowers, green.. Wonderful.

I go down the hill, cross the street, go further, turn left. Walk there. Cross the little parking lot, and go past the fence, and to the left again, up the hill past the little playground. To the field, near the swings.. Field and the loop of track, surrounded by triplets of benches. I sit down there, and settle, flipping out my sketchbook. Enjoy the sun and draw the bench across from me. I peek at the grass behind me, seeing that little daisies are blooming. You know what that means.. Daisy chain! So I go gather up some, with thick stems, and slowly slice a little, through the center of the stem, making a thin hole. I then slip the other daisy through, and repeat. Simple as that. A lot easier than trying to tie knots. I take off my ankle-high boots, and I go back to sit down, and go back to drawing. I pause when I see someone sit down in the bench I'm drawing. He looked to be a college student, silent, and lacking a threatening presence. So for a while I stare at my notebook, writing. When people I don't know are close, when I don't know if they're looking at me, it makes me a bit nervous. Takes me a while to grow used to someone's presence, when I'm alone. Eventually I relax a bit, and continue sketching a bit of the bench, though without a good source. I glance at the silent company, and they have a backpack, and a large binder filled with papers. A busy college student, surely. They look to be doing their homework, or something. They seem to be one to do science, or something complex.. Judging by basic appearance, of what he was doing, and just his appearance and the general quiet smart look he portrayed . I sit there for a long time, writing and occasionally adding shadows to my drawing. I then go back to add more daisies to my chain, behind the bench I am sitting at.

I look up as I see the college-guy stand up, and I see him move one seat to the right. I wonder, why did he do that? Sun in his eyes? I shrug to myself. When my chain is pretty long, I go back. I then realize, that they may have seen my open sketchbook, and seen that they were sitting in the place I was drawing. Considerate, if that was why.. I don't see much other reason for him to move. I write in my notebook yet again, and hear him sneeze. From what I saw from four or so half glances.. He had brownish black hair, went down to shoulders, nearly. Or maybe just past chin.. He had glasses, frameless, and looked slightly dark-skinned ish.. Anyway, I stay at the park for a long time, and then eventually leave, giving him a nod of goodbye.

I tie the daisy chain around my neck, carry my handbag of pencils, sketchbook and things.. Head home reluctantly.

Now I'm worried again. *laughs and shakes head* Every coming day is filled with dread.. Every day I get a little older, every day another thing could go good or bad for me. Fear of the unknown.. But every day that passes, I get a little more free... Each day is a day closer to leaving. A day closer to summer.. So, to look on the bright side, though things may be hell for me, there's a lot to look forward to.

Can't wait for mom to get better. "let's go shopping!" Ha.. It's been months. Well, I've never really been on a 'shopping spree', I just go to one store. It's been months since we've gone anywhere just for the sake of buying stuff. I need sandals. As I said, my sandals are terrible. Painful. I have no good ones. So I need to buy ones I can actually wear.. Haha. Decoration, I swear, it's what girls are. We'll be displayed in windows, next. I must protest. Comfort is everything..
And I want to shop for the sake of shopping. Have fun. Buy things for my room, buy things I'll have forever.. I really, really want those silk sneaker-boots. So awesome. Silk! They're really pretty.. Gotta get those someday.. I hope they still have those. It's been like, half a year, haha. They're the coolest shoes I've ever seen. Save up.

Anyway, I'm tired. And I need to study, I'm stupid that way.. Don't get things done. Idiotic. Ah.. I wish I was more responsible. I may get A's, but not without disaster. Hah.. I swear. Terrible. I need to be sure I get all my Nihongo done. Bleh... I wish I knew about that test.. Bye.

I Want to Leave

"Well you can look down once in a while" "and you can look up at the ceiling as I slap you across the face"
"What did you say, Alex?!" "She's blaming me for stepping on her iPod! She left it on the floor" "Well I've been sleeping up here for what, the last five days?! Where else do I put it! I'm sleeping on the couch, and it's not in the middle of the floor! There isn't a place to put it!" "Don't blame others for it, you left it on the floor!"
FU.

DIe.

Hate you

GO away

Die

rot in hell

Fuckers.

..... Why do you always catch me, when I want to cry, and then shout at me at these times when my head is already a mess..? Leave me the fuck alone! Fuck you ..

I'm leaving.

I'm going... Going going gone. I'm leaving. Out the door. Goodbye. I'm going.. I'm leaving you here. Bye..

I'm not sticking around, with these f*******************ing brats. I'm sick of it! Pardon my swearing.. *sighs* Just feel like crying, again. I just want to scream. Don't say that. Don't say that. I remember when that threat was something I'd have to worry about. You fucking sick person.. *breathes* Ok..

I'll tell her. I won't be mean, and leave my grandma and everyone wondering where I went. But, next time, I will. Don't threaten me, don't yell at me.. please. I can't deal with these things after school. I'm already stressed, I'm already tired. Please don't make it all worse. Maybe a walk would help, hm..? I don't know.. Suddenly I feel numb, feel like I can't move. Feel like I don't want to.. But breathing space is what I need, and it's a beautiful day.. I'll go. .. I'll be ok when I get back, alright..?

Want to Sleep

But I can't.. *sighs* Well, do you have to be here? I want to go to sleep, again. I want to take a nap before school. But who's here? My brother insists to play video games, at 7 AM. Why..? God. Would you not? I want to sleep! I want to sleep before school! So down I'll go, I think. I'll go down to my bed, spiders or no, and sleep down there. I'm annoyed at all this, though. My stuff is up here.. I'm exhausted. I don't want to go..

Ah, it's shocking when you find, you're not alone. When you see someone else appear out of nowhere, to say something. Who knows, may have dropped by at random, or who knows. I don't know. Spesiel van LoE? Heh.. I wonder who. And I wonder. Well, always do, but this is always the most perplexing. Who what why.

What to say..? My head feels empty, in a way. Tired.. Empty. Brainless. I guess, I'm not willing to say much at the moment.. Just not up to it. I'd love to sleep for a long time. Very long.. Sink into dreams. If not sleep, just daydream. They say that sleeping too long is bad for you too, right? But I love to sleep. It's the most strong feeling of relief, sleep. No worries, no thoughts, no stress. It's the one time when you really get to be peaceful. I don't know why I get stressed so easy.. I have a nice life, fine family, I'm alright at school.. So.. I don't really need to stress.. But I do. Funny how it is.. I wonder why. Unconsciously see all that is wrong.. Hmm.

Well, I'll say more later. Tired. Bye for now..

*whistles*

Happy in solitude
Secure there's no-one to depend on
Scorning alms & good luck charms
Staring down to the rocks below
I was the lonely one
I didn't want no-one
An odyssey so solitary
Carries you forth to collide with me
Recognised familiar signs
We're hypnotised on the turning tide
You were the lonely one
Who didn't want no-one
I was the lonely one
I didn't want no-one
Here I stand on the shifting sand
Waves of lassitude wash inland
The lonely cry of a seagull flies
Into my mind and recalls a time
When I was the lonely one
Who didn't want no-one
You were the lonely one
No we didn't want no-one
Hear my hymn calling the lonely one
Hear my hymn for the lonely one

-The Lonely One, Siouxsie & the Banshees

Too Hot Out!

Grah! I hate the summer! And the spring, when it pretends to be the summer! Nonno! I don't want warmth! I want sunny, coooool days. Not boiling.. come oon..

The wasps are coming back, surrounding our house. The spiders are migrating to my room. I'm reminded why I don't like warm days. Sweaty, claustrophobic, heat filled.. I don't like it. I need the rain to come home. Too hot. Icky.. Even with short hair there are no noticeable changes. And the upstairs is killing me.
---

Wow. I don't feel gloomy though. Mood swings are at a low today, and it's happy. I'm actually stable..ish. You wouldn't tell, but my head is going from happy to sad and sad to happy constantly. "all that rise must fall, all that is united must be separated" Especially true for me. Except, it happens more often than it should. Day by day, like water level, it changes. High tide, low tide, but much faster. Just one little thing can leave me guilty, ruin my day, and make me all gloomy. (no one can see it, though) But also.. Well, wait.. Well, I'm either gloomy or feeling decent. My happiness comes at only rare moments, but I'll smile all the time anyway..
"Why are you smiling?"
"Huh..?.. I'm not smiling"
"Yeah you are."
"What..? *puts on a fake smile* I'm not smiling, and wasn't"
"You were."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Ok.."
"You must be happy, but not even realize it"
"I guess.. Maybe I was lost in thought, didn't notice"

So, do I smile a lot? I never feel it, nor really notice. I only feel those stretched, fake smiles that make your face hurt. If I have a little smile, I won't notice.
"Maybe I could be called 'the disgruntled destroyer'"
"You don't seem disgruntled though"
"really now?"
"Yeah, you're all cheerful"
"Huh? Me?"

I don't get it. Hahah.. Weird weird. Maybe I'm grumpy inside, but even so I can smile and laugh and be cheerful. Makes no sense. Or maybe I'm not gloomy, and don't know it. Or maybe I'm just tired. I'm really happy, but really tired. I think that's it. But, I'm always tired, always. So maybe when I wake up you can see my good-side, when I'm not stuck in daydreams or half-asleep. It'll take a bit of a while.. Give me a whacky friend or a few cookies, you've got me.

Anatomy of Love. Good song. It's by Shelleyan Orphan.. I think they died off, sadly. Or.. Maybe not..? I don't know. They just seem so uncommon, hard to find.. They're like Frente, or The Sundays, they sound so much like them. The voice.. I guess I have a thing for that voice. Tar Baby is also good. Little Death, Sick, Swallow.. I can't find their lyrics..

"He won't even speak, now. --mind out of reach now. He won't even sigh. He can't even cry. He won't even hurt you. Crossed his name off the side---. He won't even sigh. He can't even cry. Help him when his way is falling down, and it's getting harder to breathe. Cause everyone's sucking in the same old air, and its getting harder to breathe in. "
-Tar Baby
---

It's too hot up here. Bleh.. *takes off shoes* I need to buy sandals. I don't even have any.. Well, some, but they're evil. Pure evil. Girls' sandals suck.


Anyway.. I'm going to do something else.. If anything. Okay. Bye.

Wow, Sorry

Sorry. I scare myself, and yeah..... I think having a black blog affects my head, haha.. But, jeez. Wild mood swings indeed. I think once summer comes around, or at least, when things settle down.. When I can get the hell out of here, and have some space.. I may be a little less.. depressing. But for the time being, it's a habit. I keep on forgetting anyone reads this. Just stuck, for now.. Going nuts. Tired. I don't like school.. I worry far too easily. I think summer would make me the happiest I ever have been. On this blog, because I can be open, I think too much of my bad side sinks in. If you look at the journal I write in the other place, it's a lot more positive, because I don't want people to see me all gloomy. "sometimes it's hard to put on a happy face.." Problem is, I don't have anywhere to put all my gloom and rain cloud... It stays in my head, or gets written down. It's relieving to say, to let out. To not have the burden of thinking about it. I'm sorry that I can't be more happy. At least I'm not writing poetry, anymore.. Not like that, ha. I'll leak you in on some of my positive. Well, more positive than this. Here.

9:39 PM-
Ugh.. Sleepeh. ... I don't like being sleepy.. Mm.. I hope I wake up early enough to run into Nikhil. He says I'm too gloomy. Yeah.. I agree. My blog is pretty gloomy, though. When I have too much time to think, my thoughts start getting a bit refletive, therefore depressing. Ha, of course.. Our conversations are weird. But, it's fun. He's crazy enough to read my blog, so I applaud. I mean, hell, I write a lot on there. He actually read all that.. He's not even online a lot, either. Weirdo. Haha. What if I want to be gloomy? Hmmmmm? I admit, I don't really try to do anything to not be gloomy, but, I don't really know how. Maybe I should jump up and down and shout "MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL! I'm SO happy to be ME!!" *laughs* Shouting anything like that would raise my spirits, I do admit. But I'm too.. controlled. I don't know how to live. Mayre, you have gotta teach me, but don't include going off campus. I need to make a fool out of myself, for once. Maybe someday I'll break down and just do everything I'd never let myself.. That'd be weird. Nah, I won't. But occasionally I have to go to my room, lock the door, and just jump on my bed, playing some loud hyper song. Yeaaaah. I gottaaa do that. I need to have fun. Eh.. *shrugs*
---

And some happy poetry for once, too..

First comes a single smile,
then comes a grin
Express yourself
and the feelings within
Soon comes a giggle,
soon a gasping laugh
that's what you get
for holding it back
Watch, you cover your mouth,
yet your shoulders start to shake
from bursts of laughter
that try to escape
Oh no, look
now I've got it too
A rumbling laugh
try to hold, not to spew
But you give up,
and I shortly surrender
and we both fall into
fits of laughter



There. *pat pat*

Go Away

I'm screaming in my head again. It says "go away Go away!!" But I remain silent. Zip my mouth shut. Shh shh shh. I won't say a word. But inside, I'm tense. I'm paranoid. I hate when their gaze lingers over here, and I feel like they're judging me. Like what I'm doing, like they're find it and look at it. I don't want them to ask me, about what I do.. Do I have stuff to hide..? I just want one less thing to be teased about. Nervous.. Please turn your eyes. Turn them off, I don't want you to look. I'm typing this without being able to see it... I have the window dragged down low enough that it's hidden, but peeking up slightly. They can't see this, and I won't allow them to. *sighs* I sound nutty.

Damn it!! Stop going over here, stop it! Stop walking right behind me, stop looking! *sighs and sqeezes eyes shut* Please go away. ... Leave me alone.. Go away. Please please plase.. I want to be alone. I need to think. I can't think. Leave me alone. painful. Stop. My head hurts.. Shh.. Go away. What are you doing... Why do you have to be here..?
----

I think I'm tired. Really tired. Must be why.. And I'm worried about school. But oh well. Gotta not think about that. Jeez.. I sure am angsty.. Just irritated, so easil --.. .... ...
"Who are you talking to?" "No one." "Hm.. It looks like you're writing something, so what isss it?" "leave me be.."
I swear, you have perfect timing, don't you..?
*sighs* I can't wait until he leaves.. Just a few more months..

Blood on her sleeve.. I wonder why she does it... I've seen her cut a lot, since 8th grade, well, that was only a year ago, but she always did. I first saw it, the scars on her arms in 8th grade. I didn't know her that well, and was surprised when I first saw it. She doesn't show signs of depression in person, so it's strange to me. But I know she's had a lot of bad experiences.. But I can't help but wonder what triggers it. For the sake of habit, or a bad day? What happens in your life, that has you continuing to spill your own blood? I find no satisfaction in pain. I have enough of it in my head, exhaustion and stress. All I want to do is avoid it, pain... I wonder what people see in it.. I see her cutting during class, but it's been a while since I've seen it. It was in Japanese class, I remember. She had a piece of broken mirror, and I watched her cut at her wrists with a dull blade. Why always the wrists? Closest thing? But I shrug it off. I can't help her.. I don't know much, nor enough to say I could. I wonder to myself, why.. But I can answer that. If I had to deal with those memories, I would too. I don't have enough pain, not enough pain to think that cutting was a form of relief compared to it. I wish I could do something.. But how would I?
Today I glanced, and saw red stains all over her left sleeve, her white corduroy jacket. She saw my look, and said with a sheepish grin "ah, shut up" I raise my eyebrows, and shrug, with a "hm.." She hides it the best she can. I suggest she take it off, but she shakes her head. She disappears to the bathroom or somewhere for about twenty minutes, and comes back, and I look back again, seeing the bloodstains are gone. "Ah, so it came off.." I'm surprised it did, because corduroy seems tricky. I've had worse bloodstains, but for other reasons. : P Believe me, I've had hell. Never underestimate blood. I was washing it from my clothes, I learned my lesson. God, that was terrible. It was so shocking when I finally took off the coat, blood everywhere, just everywhere. Amazing. Wonderful. (sarcasm) Kinda cool, painless blood, though. Nah... What a weird thing to say.

I'm getting another lovely headache.. All I want.. Is some time alone. To think and think and write. I wish.. Everyone would disappear. For a few days, please please. I'd love to be completely alone, for so long.. I need relief from my thoughts. But, I should sleep, if I wish to have any hope for surviving tomorrow. Math.. Gym.. Japanese.. Come on..

-note to self-
the cure --- Where the birds always sing?

wake up, like or hate you

What Do I Do?

I think I wrote it, all over my walls. In invisible ink.. "What do I do.." "What do I do..?" "What am I supposed to do now..?" "Please, someone tell me"

Yeah.. I did. Beneath the posters, behind the poems.. Behind the bookshelf. Occasionally I switch on the blacklight to see these things. Switch it on, and it all glows, comes to life. I see dreams, worries, mostly sad. "This is my wall of dreams, worries, hopes.." I wrote in my real journal, what was on the walls. I'm sure I didn't cover all of it, because some are stuck where I can't see. But I got a lot. My walls are covered. I thought it would be fun, to cover my room with invisible words, story of how my life turns and changes. "Gone...." "I want to go to California!" "I should really clean my room" "I feel trapped" "What do I do?! I'm.. lost.." "how many more days do I have to wait?" "It's over.. said goodbye yesterday.." "I'm sick" "chocolate-eyes.." "I wish he'd call" "Spiders!" "Help.." "Where are they?" and it goes on.

Reminds me.. I had a dream last night. Must be triggered by jealousy, of not being able to go places.. I mean, my mom tends to go out with her friends to dance places, fun places I can't go to. So I had a dream she took me, but it was a big disappointment.. I mean, things just went wrong.

I'm kinda tired, again.. Mm.. Life is so boring. That's the whole problem.. I don't have anything to do. Busy stresses me out, but not busy gives me time to kinda, just wallow in my thoughts.. Usually negative. So I need to do something, at least.. But these days, I'm really really stuck. I can't go anywhere. So, it's really hard, especially right now. I don't have a way to get around, and I just don't know.. Where to go, too. *yawns* I'm tired.. Gonna go back to sleep for a while.

Over spring break I was hoping to take a road trip. Just mom and I, get away from here. Go not too far, but far enough for it to be new, and a vacation. It would be a lot of fun.. I mean, without my brothers and such, we could do whatever we want. Not stop for minigolf, or go places that they wanted to go to. It would be really nice. It's too bad about the surgery.. How many weeks are left? I want summer, now. That way I can plan, or at least be free of stress as I figure out how to make life worthwhile. I need to find a hobby.. Or a way to make money. I can't get a real job until 16, so bah. I wanted to work at Shirazi, or Fireworks, but I can't yet. Fun stores.. Shirazi is especially nice, because it's really close, and is just a nice store and not busy enough to be stressful (stress is an issue for me). Yeah.. People stress me out, a whole lot. First headache, and then yeah.. I'm just not into people. Just a lot at once, talking at once. Hm.. Back to sleep I go.

Experiment

Can I make a story with the songs..?

Lift me up, buried in the snow, I feel blood on my hands.. Whispering your name. Uneasy, I breathe in.. Holding my thoughts in my heart. Don't panic. I feel numb, bare.. and I still do. Keep on breathing. What's come over me..?
"Say it.." Jane says. Calmly, these words fade into you, "I was wrong". Your eyes look at me, blue eyes, so mad.. Watching me fall. Those eyes, that mouth.. I swallow. Trace of blood, continue the nightmare's beginning. Darkness, and a traitors burden.. I'm speechless. Who are you..? Who am I? Pure, if you open your heart.. I still can't. You showed me good times, between ordeals, I won the sweetest girl, beautiful friend. I think I love you, I will always.. Yet you bet your life, and I cross my heart, bleeding out. Dream about me, leave this city. Wishaway, look up to the sky. Dreams of black sheep, a secret sleeping in the depths, lurking in the darkness. The starlit sky.. Most beautiful.. I can't be with you, yet love should. Ridiculous thoughts.. My time is ticking out, and it won't be long. Walk away, and I sit on my hands, fighting back a tango of tears. Slipping away like you do.. Just like you. I'm still waiting, fallen apart. Reflect the nightmare. You showed me hostility, harm, but please, be kind to my mistakes. Maybe someday the dream will end, let go, and the cage will split apart. The lonely one, crying, and I ask, oblivious. What happened then had me crushed. That day, five years ago.. The afternoon showed me, the dreaming smitten, and this is the price I pay. This is your story. You were free to decide, and here's where the story ends.

The Nightbird Sings Again

My eyes are flickering. I think it tells me that the screen flickers, makes it obvious, because when I turn my head to the darkness, everything flickers.

Headphones now seem to be more of a comfort item than functional object. Replaces the teddy bear.
-

I couldn't help it. Lying in the complete silence of my little brothers bed, I couldn't help but come back up here, because my thoughts were far too interesting.. I didn't want to forget them.. Clear minded as I feel now.
What was I doing in my little brother's bed? Well, I was sitting in my bed with the lamp on, dozing off as I usually do, fondling a safety-pin, when suddenly I see four or five legs whip out from the edge of the head of my bed. I gasp, jump back, and stare. Little gray legs.. And for a split second, I see the many eyes and delicate fangs. The spider queen is back in business...
Quickly I back away from my bed, dropping the safety-pin. Then I leave my room and walk through the living room, into the hall and peek into the darkness of my parents' room. I knock very softly, and I hear my mom tell me to come in. I whisper "There's a spider in my bed.. what should I do?" She tells me to grab the fleece blanket in her room, which I do, fumbling in the pitch black room, wincing as my bare feet brush against something fuzzy, unknowing of what lingered in the dark. I grabbed the blanket, and then she told me to go to my room and change into pajamas, "if you can", and ask my little brother if I can sleep with him. First I change into pajamas, keeping my eyes warily on the exact spot where the spider had scampered, also glancing back and forth between my feet and the walls. Wearing a skirt this time, it's easy to change, and I don't need to close the door. Because I don't want to bother to close the door, find that the spider is on the knob or door, and then be stuck. It's happened before. So I slip pajama pants on under my skirt, take off the skirt, set it on the floor among my mess of things. Then I try to disconnect the alarm clock while remaining as far from my bed as possible. Very very hard. The clock was plugged into an extension cord, or something, and though I pulled it out as far as it would go, it still was fairly close to the spider's location. So I tug on the cord, trying to maneuver it to brush against my bed, keeping the extension still as I tried to pull it out. But the angle was bad, so I have trouble. Finally I step just a little closer, and get it lodged against my bed so I can pull it out. With a deft tug, I force it out, shaking my head at the damned thing. I then carry my alarm clock to my brother's room, and set it down. I decide to check if the upper bunk is a better fate. I step slowly up the creaky stairs, and peek my head up over the mattress. I see that the sheets are half off, needing to be changed, and some of Alex's old things are still there, including dear Binda. *smiles* I switch on the light, and look at the walls for spiders. The ceiling is only.. two or three feet up, so if a spider got me while up there, I'd be doomed. I look at the sheets, the exposed mattress, the nonexistent pillow, and decide to try my luck with Carson instead. He's asleep, with his light on and book of facts open. I close his book, and look at it. I start to read it, and read facts about inventions and people for countless minutes. Then I finally set it on the floor, and squeeze on the mattress next to my brother, switch off the light after plugging in the clock. The mattress is very small, and it sinks under my weight. I feel like I'm going to fall off, so I lay on my side. My brother has a terrible habit of squirming, punching in his sleep, reaching out and moving all around. I lodge myself with my knees up, as not to put weight on his legs, on the wrong side. Twenty minutes go by. He squirms into a different position, diagonal on the bed. I have to now have my legs hanging off the left side. I shake my head to myself. I start to fall into a doze of thought, memories and reflections about the happenings of the previous year, and the long lasting love and obsession. At 2:30 AM, I decide it's too hard to sleep in the same little bed as my brother, and I am in desperate need to let out thoughts. I tiptoe down the hall, creaking slightly, through the kitchen and up the stairs. I decide to sleep on the couch upstairs, as it would be much more comfortable. My older brother sleeps upstairs too, but it's not his room. It was a habit, as he grew sick of sleeping in the same room as Carson. So now he drags us down the stairs at bedtime, and logs me out before I can argue, and I watch helplessly as my blogging window disappears, as does the email and music. He then makes us march down like prisoners, or drags us down. I find it to be annoying, that he has to use this and call it his responsibility. So now he sleeps to the left of the very long attic. And now I sit and type.

I attract spiders, did you know that? They follow me around, like an army. In the afternoon, yesterday, a spider was just above the computer, on the wall behind them. In the evening, a spider appears on the head of my bed. Great.. With the beautiful warm days come the awakening of things I hate.
----

What do you do, to stop loving someone? Is there a formula, a magic spell, a way to get it away, when you know, it's over, it's gone. Gone gone, and never could be. Why does it not fade, like most of my hopes and dreams? I don't think there's a way to fade it. The only way, is, if all you loved them for disappears. And it remains. Sadly, the way we knew each other, there's no way to know if it could be, any other way. We could have met in California, one day, we could have called on the phone, we could have talked. We never did. So I'm left with a lingering 'what if' on my tongue, on my mind, in my heart, behind all the things telling me, "you're a fool". I have a 'what if' following me. I think, what if we knew each other, as we really are? What if he had told me, and not told me, and all. Would we have been able to be friends? We're not even friends, now. But that's all we ever were. It was a funny thing, we knew it formed to something else, but maybe only on my side. And it was like losing something never attained. Like losing a friend, instead. We couldn't be friends. The way he was, I wouldn't understand, I wouldn't know, and I'd never see. That makes me hate this.. This way of talking.. Because, you never ever know. You can't see their face, you feel no emotion. It's terrible. And it ruined it.

"It's hard to push for the truth, and lies are easy to find. I'm left with, I'm left with this trouble in mind. I'm left to counting the days, as my life drifts away. Cause you come and go like the tide. While on the shoreline I stand washed of my pride. And the truth I keep pushing aside.. Is that it's time to walk away."

Still at night, it haunts me. Not every night, but it still does. Sometimes I just daydream of going there, and I wonder what could or would happen. Somehow, someday, I would be there, I would vacation there. Leave a message on his machine, or a note in his email, likely a shock of breaking the silence, that I was going. That I'd be there, and I'd be staying here, and if he wanted to, he could stop by. See who I really am, who he was really talking to for so long. Daydream my reaction. Daydream his reaction. Daydream if he'd hate me, daydream if he didn't. Daydream what I'd say. What would I say? I don't know what I'd say to him, if I could, in person, right there. If I was feeling myself, without any sorrow or change of mood, I'd say "so, am I as you expected?" If I suddenly was filled with hate, I'd say " So you finally came.. I didn't think you would". If I felt no hate, I'd apologize, because I've always wanted to, to his face. If I was pained by the memories, I'd simply look away. I can see so many different phrases. Likely I'd remain silent, and just stare, and try to find any words, with the mix of hate, surprise, worry, sorrow, love, and confusion. It's a lot to feel all at once, and likely I'd feel all, not sure what to think. You know, I saved every conversation, after the first few. I remember. A hug for all the times that I said I would? Great, triggers memories of things that make me want to barf. Well, feel sick, because I'd said too much, sometimes. Just shouldn't have. I was too comfortable talking to him, I think. Hey, Nikhil, it's like that email you sent me. How you realized it wasn't the best thing to say. And it would have been as if that part had made me very awkward. It's like that. I was too open, and then afterward realized that that wasn't the best thing to say to him. And the problem is, I really shouldn't have. It didn't do much more than increase awkwardness.

There's far too much to remember. Far too much to know why, and what, and how. It's impossible to explain. All I know is, something drastically changed. Jeez, thinking about all this.. Makes me want to stab myself, slit my throat, bang my head on the table, and then die. Well, not literally.. But you know the ache you get in the heart, makes you want to somehow remove it? Remove the ache. I get that feeling a lot. Of course, it would hurt so much more to do that, so I wouldn't. Don't worry. I just make an invisible motion at the throat or hands to the heart, and it does well enough. My mom said something.. She said, you can actually feel when something's wrong with part of your body, putting a hand to it. She's not that superstitious, but that's one thing she noticed that's supernatural-ish. I tried it. Weird.. I can feel a faint buzz, like I can feel my blood flowing beneath my palm. That's really cool... Can I actually feel it? Concentrate on my hands, and I feel energy-ish buzz, or bloodflow. That's so weird. I feel more of it at the heart, so it may be something that deals with blood. Oh, don't ask me. But I notice something..

It especially makes me want to do this invisible action, thinking of the admittance that I liked him more than that. Did it have to be so dramatic..? Did I have to admit it? I wish I didn't, strongly. I wonder if it would have still been, if I hadn't told him. I guess first love is dramatic for everyone.. Well, I need to remember, I'm not a normal person. So maybe not. I'm a childish, strange, peaceful oddity.. I somehow want to sort out what I am, at this moment. Let me.

I'm childish. I already went through a long conversation about that, and I don't want to repeat it all. The thing is, I never lost my child-self. I never changed. I'm still such a child, and still do what some children do. I read fairy tales, I dream, I dress up, I save bugs (*laughs*), I stare at flowers, I weave daisy chains, I lay in the grass and stare at clouds. Also, love to swing. I also have the child personality, in some ways. Innocence. No interest whatsoever in sex itself (more like, "eww..). Open eyes. You know, I had a romantic side to myself since forever. Since reading the happily ever after, since reading of knights and princesses. Naturally I wished to be "swept off my feet" *makes a funny face* like in the stories.. Even before love was an issue. Strange. Well, you know, it was young enough to be young, but old enough to have a side that wanted to be like that. So, what, 6, 7, 8, 9? Something. But, it's the same. Sex is far over-rated. Unneeded, but so common that it's.. Common. I could live without it. But, romance, that's another thing. Hugs & kisses, smiles and stares, and all the 'yay' like that. I'd never want nor need more than that. Never. I'm stuck at age 11, I think. I don't remember how it was, at each age, so I don't know. I'm from age 6-12. Thirteen is when I got harassed and horrified by the wonderful world of sex, swearing, drugs, and all that jazz. *sighs* Ruined. Dirt upon the white dress. But it can be wiped off, as you figure out how. Just add a little bleach, and though it happened, it fades enough. But it wasn't nice. So I am as I was.

I'm strange. I'm strange in many ways. Mostly because of my child-self, but also just what I do. I enjoy looking strange, occasionally. I dyed my hair many many different colors, to express my wish to be different. I wear gothic, just because it's fascinating. And play with makeup. I never wear make up daily, though. Another child-feature. I wish not to ever think of beauty, or need to feel beautiful beyond what I've got. It's nasty feeling, wearing all this crap on your face anyway.

Also, I'm one for comfort. And how do I dress comfortably..? Guy's clothes! Damn, girls clothes suck! I mean, we have to wear these painful things... Jeans. I hate jeans. The shirts are ok, fun to feel cute, but sometimes it's just annoying. Especially with the nonexistence of my upper body's "beauty" *smirks*. So, I have no choice but to be a tomboy. I wear all my pants from the boy's department. I have no girl pants. Well, maybe one, but it's my mom's old ones. All of them are cargo, if that's what they're called, and some shade of green. Loose fitting, so nice. Also, recently, I cut my hair to be just below my ears. This enhances my tomboy look. Huraay. I also get some of my shirts from the guy's section. It actually looks cute. *chuckles* Some of them. So, my everyday wear is tomboyish. When I feel creative, I'll wear a colorful skirt, I have one of those really pretty sequin-ish colorful indian ones, which I like to wear. Or, I'll try something weird with makeup, for the hell of it, or just to look odd. Funny. My mom said, though "You could wear any lipstick, do anything with your lips and look gorgeous! Your lips are perfect." So, even trying to look strange, may fail. : P But I have my eyes, and eye makeup is scary.

I'm peaceful. Yeah. I can't kill anything. Not because it's bad to, because I just can't. I think too much. I think that I'm ending a life, something that has a short life as it is. And very painfully. So no ever killing stuff. Wars are stupid. Killing stuff is bad. I can't do anything mean and not feel guilty.. And usual the only times I am mean, I do it at the worst time, so I learn the hard way. I don't want to cause trouble.. And I don't want to ever hurt anyone. I have such a strong conscience... I know everything that's right and wrong, and I stick to it. I don't do revenge.. At least, from what I know.

I'm also full of mood swings. That's why my blog is called "Wild Mood Swings"... Also, that's the name of an album by The Cure. So I thought it suits me. I'm childish, so I have childish moods. Just the stubborn attitude. The "I won't tell you what's wrong, just cry and pout" thing. Isn't that funny..? Sadly true. Well, in a sense. I don't cry, anymore. I never do, even on those days when I write about crying. I don't. I may get near it, but I never do. But, I get into those moods.. If I get really upset, I go into my room, lock the door, and pout, or just feel bad and mope. I won't open the door, I'll say "go away!". Like a kid.. And then I'll finally let someone in, and just look away, refusing to talk to the one who made me upset. Then eventually, they can drag out of me what's the matter, and finally it ends with a hug and apology. Far too much deja vu. Exactly how it always was.
And, just all the time, I go from up to down, happy to sad, excited to worried. I change far too often. I never have a single mood in one day, just swings back and forth...



I need to sleep. No one will read this much. Goodnight, gotta sleep. Cat's scaring me.

Melody for the Deaf

Get a sick feeling in my stomach, but now I have less to worry about, less to be unhappy about, so it leaves me be, though still there.
I kinda like that song, even though it's not my style. My Own Worst Enemy by Lit. It's satisfying to listen to. It's not my song, my parents.. I find it funny. They have good taste, usually. It's the only song we have by Lit.
"Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn't mean to call you that. I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me. Please tell me, please tell me why-- My car is in the front yard.. And I'm sleeping with my clothes on. Came in through the window last night, and your gone. Gone."
It's kinda like Jane Says by Jane's Addiction. It's kinda weird, yet addicting. You listen to it the first time, think it's crappy.. Listen again.. And then you like it. Like the Slits. The Slits are very weird, odd singer. Yet you start to like it. I like odd music, though, and such a wide variety. I guess even country? Well, is Kirsty Maccoll considered country? I don't know. I don't consider it country, though. When I hear 'country', I think of the blues, and crappy stuff like that. Wait, I looked. I guess it's not country. Huh. Good. I didn't think so, but my brother said it was. *looks* It's considered 'folk'. Is there a difference? I don't know at all. I wonder.. Would I have liked Kirsty Maccoll if I hadn't heard it as a kid? I don't know. Maybe not. I think I only like the album Tropical Brainstorm. Or, that's the one with songs I like, mostly. Mambo De La Luna, Treachery, Celestine (makes me smile, for some reason), Nao Esperando ("Nao esperando su amor"), Walking Down Madison, Angel, Caroline, They Don't Know (sounds like an old one), and yeah..
But that's not my favorite band, at all, or course.

I think the weirdest artist I like is Kate Bush.. Jeez, heck yeah. She's so weird. I'm sure you'd all hate it. That's for sure! We have 6 of her albums, though. And again, my parents got it. I like Watching You Without Me, Suspended In Gaffa, There Goes a Tenner, Pull Out the Pin ("With my silver Buddha, and my silver bullet.."), The Dreaming, Night of the Swallow, Get Out of my House, Strange Phenomena, Them Heavy People (*laughs*), Eat the Music, The Sensual World, Army Dreamers, and Babooshka.

Sheesh, I'm practically just listing them, so why don't I just do that? I'll put in italics the songs I like most of the bands.


Alison Moyet - Love Ressurection, Falling, And I Know, Whispering Your Name, Getting Into Something, So Am I, Satellite, Ode To Boy, Dorothy, Another Living Day, It Won't Be Long, Wishing You Were Here, My Right A.R.M., Nobody's Diary
The Apples in Stereo - Signal in the Sky, Avril En Mai, What Happened Then, Stay Gold, The Afternoon
Ashley Macisaac - Hills of Glenorchy, Sleepy Maggie
Astaire - L-L-Love
Aztec Camera - Oblivious
Azumanga Daioh (anime) - Soramimi Cake (Cake of Mishearing), Shingakki 1 (New School Term 1), Yasumi Jikan Desuka 1 (you mean, during the break?), Chiyo-chan no Yuu'utsu (Melancholy of Chiyo-chan), Sanpo Desu (It's a Stroll), Shingakki 6 (New School Term 6), Koshi Furu Yoru (Starry Night), Raspberry Heaven, Shiisaa Yaibiimi? (Is it Shi-Sa?), "E"ye Catch 2, Chiyochanwa 10sai de Koukousei (Chiyo-chan is a High School Student at the Age of Ten), Another Chiyo, Daijoubu desu yo (It's All Right), Daijoubu! (Don't Worry!), Makeruna Chiyo-chan (Don't Be Discouraged, Chiyo-chan)
Bjork - Isobel, Possibly Maybe, Venus as a Boy, Human Behavior, Crying
Bree Sharp - David Duchovny, Walk Away, Smitten, Not Your Girl, Fallen, The Cheap and Evil Girl, 'Faster, Faster', Fool's Gold, Guttermouth, Show Me, America
Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star
Caesars Palace - Jerk It Out
Captain Sensible - Wot
Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes
Cibo Matto - Birthday Cake (kills my ears), Working for Vacation, Flowers, Clouds, Speechless, King of Silence, Sunday Part I, Sunday Part II, Stone, Apple, Sugar Water, Know Your Chicken, Le Pain Perdu
Cocteau Twins - Aikea-Guinea, Kookaburra, Quisquose, Blue Bell Knoll, Carolyn's Fingers, For Phoebe Still a Baby, The Itchy Glowbo Blow, Melonella, Evageline, Summerhead, Heaven Or Las Vegas, Mizake the Mizan, Serpentskirt, Dials, Crushed, The High Monkey-Monk, Hithero, Ribbed and Veined, Plain Tiger, Ivo, Lorelei, Pandora, Amelia
Coldplay - Don't Panic
The Cranberries - I Still Do, Dreams, Sunday, Pretty, Not Sorry, Linger, Put Me Down, (They Long To Be) Close to You, Zombie, I Can't Be With You, Salvation, Free to Decide, Hollywood, Promises, Animal Instinct, Just my Imagination, You & Me, Daffodil Lament, New New York, Stars
Cranes - Shining Road, Loved, Beautiful Friend, Come This Far, Tangled Up, Breeze, Brazil
The Cure - Out of This World, Watching Me Fall, Maybe Someday, The Last Day of Summer, Catch, Just Like Heaven, Lullaby, Lovesong, Pictures of You, Close To Me [Closet Remix], Friday I'm In Love, Letter to Elise, Mint Car [Radio Mix], Strange Attraction [Album Mix], Hello I Love You, alt.end, The End of the World, Six Different Ways, This Is A Lie, Jupiter Crash, Trap, Bare, Apart, A Forest, Numb
Death Cab For Cutie - A Lack of Color
Deep Forest - Sweet Lullaby
The Delgados - Keep On Breathing, The Light Before We Land
Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice, Praise You
The Pillows - Hybrid Rainbow, Little Busters, Ride on Shooting Star, Carnival, Funny Bunny, Blues Drive Monster, Crazy Sunshine, One Life
Frente - Girl, Labour Of Love, Ordinary Angels, Lonely, Most Beautiful, Cuscutlan, Dangerous, Bizarre Love Triangle, Sit On My Hands, Horrible, Goodbye Goodguy, Burning Girl, Harm, Air, Jungle, So Mad, Safe From You, The Destroyer, What's Come Over Me, Calmly
Frou Frou - Let Go, Breathe In
Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons, Superman
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says
Jem - They
Kraftwerk - Pocket Calculator, The Robots, Dentaku, Musik Non Stop
Laibach - Opus Dei (weirdest song ever.)
Len - Steal My Sunshine
The Lightning Seeds - Change, Imaginary Friend, You Bet Your Life, Waiting For Today To Happen, What If..., Touch and Go, Like You Do, Wishaway, You Showed Me, Fishes On The Line, Sense, Blowing Bubbles, Tingle Tangle
Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
Liz Phair - Polyester Bride, Leaving on a Jet Plane
Louis XIV - Finding Out True Love Is Blind
Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
Moby - Bittersweet Symphony (remix), Hotel Intro, Raining Again, Temptation
Morcheeba - Aqualung, Shoulder Holster, The Sea, Blindfold, Let Me See
Nick Heyward - Kite, Ordinary People, These Words
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
Quichua Mashis - Alpa Mayu, Estadio 2000 L, Oruro, Suenos De Amor, Caminante
R.E.M. - All The Way To Reno, Losing My Religion, E-Bow The Letter, Everybody Hurts, Imitation of Life, End Of The World As We Know It, Try Not To Breathe, Man On The Moon, Daysleeper, The Great Beyond, Bad Day, The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight, Shiny Happy People
Remy Zero - Fair
Saint Entienne - Only Love Can Break Your Heart, Mario's Cafe, Calico, Avenue, No Rainbows for Me
Shelleyan Orphan - Muddied-up, Anatomy Of Love, Fishes, Burst, Sick, Little Death, Big Sun, Swallow, Supernature On A Superhighway, Tar Baby, Between Two Waves
The Shins - Caring Is Creepy, New Slang
Shonen Knife - Concrete Animals, Butterfly Boy, Tomato Head, Another Day
Silent Hill (game) - Room of Angel, Lisa's Theme
Sinead O'Connor - Mandinka, Just Like U Said It Would B, Jump In The River, Jerusalem
Siouxsie & the Banshees - Carousel, Ornaments Of Gold, Kiss Them For Me, The Lonely One
The Sisters of Mercy - Lucretia My Reflection, This Corrosion, I Was Wrong
The Slits - Instant Hit, Shoplifting, Typical Girls
The Smiths - Ask, Girlfriend in a Coma, Unhappy Birthday, How Soon is Now
Stereo MC's - Connected, Everything, Chicken Shake, Don't Let Up
The Sundays - Here's Where the Story Ends, I Feel, Blood On My Hands, You're Not The Only One I Know, Don't Tell Your Mother, I Kicked A Boy, When I'm Thinking About You, I Can't Wait, Cry, Leave This City, Your Eyes, So Much
Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde
Third Eye Blind - Jumper
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
XTC - River of Orchids, Your Dictionary, Fruit Nut, Dear God
YMCK - Pastel Colored Candy, Pow * Pow, SOCOPOGOGO
Yum Yum - I'm Not Telling, Dan Loves Patti, Doot-Doot, Train of Thought, Cross My Heart, Ring, Words Will Fail, Uneasy
Zero 7 - In the Waiting Line, Somersault

Wild Mood Swings..!

Wow. Actually, I'm only writing this to cover up all other entries. They embarrass me, nearly. Just.. sad.
I'm happy.. now.. Because, I leave at about 9, I think. So I can stay here for a long time..
Yet in the back of my head, I'm already worried about forgetting to do my work, or something. Haha.. Poor Lex got lost trying to get to the tennis courts. I know I would have too. I'm terrible with maps, simply terrible. NO sense of direction. So I'll have to tail someone, unless I want to get stuck somewhere.. Not knowing how to get back. That would suck so much.
I just ate a disgustingly sweet cookie.. Big, white chocolate and macadamia nut or something. Really nasty.. But enough to put a little bounce in my step.

"Zack: Oh no! Oh God, they've found us! They're following our pheromone trail. When hell has no more room the tan will walk the earth.
Dr. Thorpe: The walls have been breached, we're overrun! The sickening smell of iodine and Pez stings our nostrils!
Zack: A seething river of fangs and peace-signs, propelled by a singular inhuman lust for more tanning lotion.
Dr. Thorpe: Jesus, second from the right, second row from the bottom: She looks like an Ewok!
Zack: Wicket is hanging with a bad crowd. There are a few almost normal people mixed in there though. They are just beginning their metamorphosis." -somethingawful.com

That cracked me up sooo much. Look!!! http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2807&p=2

Pessimism

Pessimism fills me to the brim at the moment. My apologies... I'm a hella grumpy person. I hate it. I know you all do too.

And back to this crap! More about this?? Sorry.

Why do they have to be.. Exactly like me? Huh? Why do they have to be so similar? So hopelessly similar? Why couldn't they be certainly the asshole that I could get out of my head? "i assume and fill in 90% of what isn't there by my pessimistic mind and thus leave myself wishing i could do something for everyone I meet." "and i think i try too hard to be liked, too ... i reflect on myself too much too." "i was a naive lost boy trying to get over a girl i was never with, talking to someone i don't know if i regret or not." "aw.. i truly do need a good cry. warmth upon skin and no reason why."
Damn you!

Again, "wenches!" .. That makes me smile. Maybe if I can picture Mayre, yelling that, it'll make me feel happier. It kinda does. Could you yell that for me, Mayre? Scream at them for me, because I don't have the heart to.
.. I'm literally going numb, from heart to hands. I haven't felt like this since that month.. For god's sake.. Ow ow ow.

Wenches. Wenches wenches wenches. You're right, Mayre, it's satisfying.. Tears tears, nearly. Fuck. Fooking sheet. *giggles sheepishly* My god, I'm going hysterical, here. I haven't felt this terrible in a long, long time.

Combination of hatred, heartbreak, memories, and reminders.. Guilt, pathetic whining.. It adds up. As well as the exhaustion. That's what's making me giggle like I'm insane. Did he cry two hours ago? I'm about to.
*sighs* The pity of a blog, is anyone can see it. The pity of me, is I almost want them to. But.. Things will be better.. yeah.. I just need a life.

I find it funny.. That exactly the people my mom tells me to avoid, is exactly what I'm like.
"You shouldn't hang out with those people, who mope in their own misery, complain and whine about how terrible things are for them.. I mean, they have it so well off. Makes me sick. Be with happy people." I'm not happy. I mope about. I whine. It's shit.

Pain is craving, they say. Pain is want. It's true. The answer to suffering.. Is always wanting more. I want a life, I want to go, I want the summer, I want to be happy, I want people to care, I want to help people, I want days like this.. To never happen. Terrible, so terrible. My mood plummeted. I felt like no one was listening. Do you know that feeling? You're trying to say something important, but you keep on getting interrupted.. They say they're going to do something with you, and then they just leave you, finding something more important. Yeah.. That must be it. I don't feel like I have any importance. Yeah.. For sure.

My mom told me, she felt trapped at my age. She couldn't go anywhere, she couldn't leave her house.. She didn't have friends to be with. She talked to the trees.. .. hah.. Yet the feeling is shared. I suppose this is the trapped age. I can't drive, I can't leave. Anxiety is extreme, these four weeks.. Because now, I really can't leave. It's not hard to, I just actually can't. Well, my ability to is strongly cut off. First, we have one car. My mom had surgery, she can't walk further than a block, let alone take me anywhere. I feel so trapped... It's terrible. Because I have more and more time to do this, think. Think and dwell, without peace. A nightmare.

They called me queen of complaining for a reason.. But do you know.... If you ever saw me, I'd never say any of this aloud, ever. I keep it all stored up in my head. When I let it out, you hear the utter angsty of angst. You hear my thoughts, which no one should hear. So, I bid you goodnight, and I'm sorry to do this again.. *shakes head*

Yet, let's end in song.. Ha. I need a song. Please.. Don't bother me

"Keep on looking through the window again.. But I'm not sorry if I do insult you. I said I'm not sorry about the way that things went. And you'll be happy and I'll even have forsaken me. I swore I'd never feel like this again.. But you're so selfish you don't see you're rude to me. I keep on looking through the window again.. No I'm not sorry if I do insult you.. I'm not sorry if I do insult you.... You told me lies, and I sigh and I sigh and I sigh. Because you lied.. you lied.. And I cried, yes I cried, yes I cry I cry I try again.. I realize.. And I sigh and I sigh and I sigh. Because you lied, you lied... And cried, yes I cried, yes I cry I cry I try again.. Keep on looking through the window again.."
-Not Sorry, The Cranberries

Poetic Pestering

Cosplay

Twirls of red,
blue-orange fabric
Twists of silk
catch eyes like magnet
Strange painted faces
Dark wigs surround
glowing eyes,
and peculiar sound
of click clack
stomp stomp
Different shoes, people romp
pretending to be
who they really aren't
Clever disguises
of simple people
wearing lives
of magicians or heros
Masked faces
of honor or humor
fitting cartoons
Yet some arrived sooner
and for years to come..
Cosplayer's fun
--

Predictions

Judging by the height of this,
I estimate something's amiss
Hot weather and now near snow,
you know that's not how things should go!
Judging by their faceless expression
I predict extreme depression
looming overhead like darkened cloud
Not a word is said aloud
Judging by this dropping feather
I predict some stormy weather
as birds flee from increasing dark
crawling over the hills, past the park
I listen, put ear to the ground
and silence, still, without a sound
The calm before the storm
--

Ink-Stained Clouds

Dark clouds float by,
stained pillows of ink
Powdery edges,
and I could sink
down lower in my chair,
envisioning myself there
In the sanctuary of cloud
---

Classical Music

This music slowly kills my ears
Sharp notes stab, bringing tears
of joyless sorrow
I can't follow
how anyone could enjoy this...
---

Stressful Day

Today is a stressful day
start of work and no more play
We file in, shuffling feet
We lumber past, half asleep
Today is a stressful day
Teachers drone, and stuck we stay
sitting in hard wooden chairs,
stepping up and down the endless stairs
Staring at the clock...
My eyes blur, I swore it stopped
Weary now, I clear my throat
Pick up heavy backpack, don my coat
Think of all the textbooks there,
and once again, I must repair
damaged memory
Forgetting Japanese, you see
Today is a stressful day...
--

Beginnings

With every beginning's end
comes another
From around the corner,
beneath the gutter
Don't hang your head,
don't put on a frown
Know what's over
could be found
again someday
Another day, another way
---

Ends

The final notes,
the closing piece
I make a curtsy
and end my speech
These things to cease
to be, to linger
Like a solo singer
as her voice cuts off
to a close
Everything has one of these
the finale, the final act
and I think it's about time you packed
the end is growing near

A Song's Memory

"It started with a dedication - 'Lost in admirations. Happy birthday, I'm forever yours. -Blossom' Faded red inside, and a tiny book of butterflies. Smiled, surprised how when flickered through, the wings flew by spelled out my name. Six months went by, the summer lost, obsessively your letters dropped into my life. Same soft blood through flowing hand 'Please try to understand, I have to see you, have to feel you, tell you all the ways I need you. Yours forever in love' Strange attraction spreads its wings, varies but the smallest things. You never know how anything will change. Strange attraction spreads its wings, it alters but the smallest things. You never know how anything will be... The year grew old incessantly. She wrote to me, she's started smoking poetry! I laughed in recognition of a favorite phrase. She pulled me in, I answered her. A Christmas card in Sepia. Arranging when and where, and how the two of us should meet. Her opening so well prepared, a nervous smile. I couldn't take my eyes from her. She whispered, 'can I use some of your lipstick?' It was perfect, so believable. I couldn't help but feel that it was real. Kissing crimson, fell into her waiting arms. Strange attraction spreads its wings, varies but the smallest things. You never know how anything will change. Strange attraction spreads its wings, alters but the smallest things. You never know how anything will be.. So alone into the cold new year, without another word from her. I wrote to ask if we could maybe meet again before the spring. Weeks went by with no reply, till once more my birthday came, but with my surprise, this time nothing was the same. 'I'm sorry, blame infatuation, blame imagination. I was sure you were the one, but I was wrong. Seems reality destroys our dreams. I won't forget you. -Blossom' Faded red inside.. And I tiny book of old goodbyes.. Strange attraction spreads its wings, varies but the smallest things. You never know how anything will change. Strange attraction spreads its wings, alters but the smallest things. And you never know, and you never know, and you never know..."

-Strange Attraction, The Cure

I remember that song.. *smiles* It was the first song I ever heard from The Cure.. Apparently rock-stars in the 80's wore lipstick.. Always liked the song. Ironic, I find it, because it reminds me terribly of my fate. Especially the 'weeks went by with no reply, till once more my birthday came..' .. Because that's what happened. Winter came, we stopped talking, the new year was alone, my birthday came and passed (February), and soon I realized, it wasn't worth it, had to leave. He wanted me to leave, too... It was when, anyway? March 26th.. Sure took long enough, though. I swear, all this crap happened to make it take a long time. A long time since I decided, I want to leave.. For a while I had no idea how. And waiting for the phone call that never came.. Another lie, broken promise. I just wanted it to end.

My god. I feel like one of those damned whining girls, who constantly talks about her "brooooooken heeeart", and acts all depressed. Jeez. I never wanted to be like that, nor to talk like that! Yet... I keep on having it in my head. Reminders. Little things remind me. And... Just leads me to write. My thoughts. I know it's damned annoying, but I don't care. I'm not obsessed.. Well, the problem is, I was obsessed. So it's hard not to at least say something about it.. Constantly at the back of my head. *shakes head* Oh well.