Go Away

I'm screaming in my head again. It says "go away Go away!!" But I remain silent. Zip my mouth shut. Shh shh shh. I won't say a word. But inside, I'm tense. I'm paranoid. I hate when their gaze lingers over here, and I feel like they're judging me. Like what I'm doing, like they're find it and look at it. I don't want them to ask me, about what I do.. Do I have stuff to hide..? I just want one less thing to be teased about. Nervous.. Please turn your eyes. Turn them off, I don't want you to look. I'm typing this without being able to see it... I have the window dragged down low enough that it's hidden, but peeking up slightly. They can't see this, and I won't allow them to. *sighs* I sound nutty.

Damn it!! Stop going over here, stop it! Stop walking right behind me, stop looking! *sighs and sqeezes eyes shut* Please go away. ... Leave me alone.. Go away. Please please plase.. I want to be alone. I need to think. I can't think. Leave me alone. painful. Stop. My head hurts.. Shh.. Go away. What are you doing... Why do you have to be here..?
----

I think I'm tired. Really tired. Must be why.. And I'm worried about school. But oh well. Gotta not think about that. Jeez.. I sure am angsty.. Just irritated, so easil --.. .... ...
"Who are you talking to?" "No one." "Hm.. It looks like you're writing something, so what isss it?" "leave me be.."
I swear, you have perfect timing, don't you..?
*sighs* I can't wait until he leaves.. Just a few more months..

Blood on her sleeve.. I wonder why she does it... I've seen her cut a lot, since 8th grade, well, that was only a year ago, but she always did. I first saw it, the scars on her arms in 8th grade. I didn't know her that well, and was surprised when I first saw it. She doesn't show signs of depression in person, so it's strange to me. But I know she's had a lot of bad experiences.. But I can't help but wonder what triggers it. For the sake of habit, or a bad day? What happens in your life, that has you continuing to spill your own blood? I find no satisfaction in pain. I have enough of it in my head, exhaustion and stress. All I want to do is avoid it, pain... I wonder what people see in it.. I see her cutting during class, but it's been a while since I've seen it. It was in Japanese class, I remember. She had a piece of broken mirror, and I watched her cut at her wrists with a dull blade. Why always the wrists? Closest thing? But I shrug it off. I can't help her.. I don't know much, nor enough to say I could. I wonder to myself, why.. But I can answer that. If I had to deal with those memories, I would too. I don't have enough pain, not enough pain to think that cutting was a form of relief compared to it. I wish I could do something.. But how would I?
Today I glanced, and saw red stains all over her left sleeve, her white corduroy jacket. She saw my look, and said with a sheepish grin "ah, shut up" I raise my eyebrows, and shrug, with a "hm.." She hides it the best she can. I suggest she take it off, but she shakes her head. She disappears to the bathroom or somewhere for about twenty minutes, and comes back, and I look back again, seeing the bloodstains are gone. "Ah, so it came off.." I'm surprised it did, because corduroy seems tricky. I've had worse bloodstains, but for other reasons. : P Believe me, I've had hell. Never underestimate blood. I was washing it from my clothes, I learned my lesson. God, that was terrible. It was so shocking when I finally took off the coat, blood everywhere, just everywhere. Amazing. Wonderful. (sarcasm) Kinda cool, painless blood, though. Nah... What a weird thing to say.

I'm getting another lovely headache.. All I want.. Is some time alone. To think and think and write. I wish.. Everyone would disappear. For a few days, please please. I'd love to be completely alone, for so long.. I need relief from my thoughts. But, I should sleep, if I wish to have any hope for surviving tomorrow. Math.. Gym.. Japanese.. Come on..

-note to self-
the cure --- Where the birds always sing?

wake up, like or hate you