Perplexing Glances

*shivers* So late at night.. I shouldn't be awake. Let alone, writing here. But an escape! And I can't imagine how anyone reads all this. *shakes head* Well, I'll slow down, sometimes.. Or, maybe not. Because I can't block this flood of words.. Can't stop it. Not at all.
I have a smile glued to my face. A burning sensation of something like happy. Urge to laugh, or to choke. Well, but it's good.. I think. It's like holding back a laugh. Another thank you to the stranger..

Today I walked down to the bus at 9, feeling nervous a bit.. Just because I get the icky feeling that I'm going at the wrong time, because it's a late arrival day. Usually I got to school at 7:25, so it's odd to go at 9.. Worries me, even. So I walk down, and seeing three people with backpacks, I'm put more at ease.. I wait for bus 72.. And get on. I pull out fifty cents from my pocket, glancing at the sign. Pay as you enter. I remember as a child, I never knew how in the world everyone knew when to pay, and which door to go in and out of.. So, I'm growing up... eh..? Hah.. It amuses me. I don't feel grown up. Never will.
So I get on the bus, drop the coins in the slot, sit in the first seat available. I sit next to another girl, a few years older. Sit and stare ahead.. Remember halfway that I should study for a Japanese test I was absent for. Oh hell, oh well. It was too late to do that.

I get off past Red Light, past Continental, near Twice Sold Tales. I pass there, on the corner, and turn right. Walk slowly, focused on my feet, and the backpack.. and notebook I had clutched in my hands. I look forward, and see a familiar face.. I don't even know her name. I get closer, see her absorbed in her music. Closer, closer. Before I give her a full wave, I glance briefly to my right. To my surprise, he's there. Who is he..? I don't even know. I could swear that I saw him smile, maybe just a little.
I wave at my acquaintance, and we say our hellos, and doze off as we wait for our bus. I start wondering if I'm imagining things again, and wondering if it was all just me..

Do you ever get the feeling that there's something weird about someone? Or, just a vibe. 'my spider sense is tingling' sort of thing. I get a weird feeling that he likes me, for some reason. I don't know.. I swear that he just gives me this look. When you pass people in the halls, you walk past them, hardly see them.. Especially if you don't know them. They're just another obstacle to your class. But I swear that he sees me, or something.. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Really. I might just be daydreaming, because no one's ever had a crush on me or anything, so I always wished for it to be so. Yeah yeah, hush up. I also think it could be just me, because it could be a coincidence. Maybe he looked, so I looked, so he wondered why I looked, so he looks every time to see if I'm looking, wondering why I keep doing that, as I look to see if he looks, wondering the same thing.. hahah. I don't know!! It could be! That sort of thing happens, sometimes. It's funny. Seriously.. But.. What's with that look you keep giving me... huh..? Should I ask you? Cause hell, drives me crazy. It's been like four months, and I keep on noticing. I still think I'm wrong, but it'd be nice if I was right. Because just the idea of someone liking me is weird. I'm the strange one, I'm the tomboy who has no attractiveness whatsoever. Ha. And he doesn't know me. So what's with that?

I remember, years ago, I thought to myself 'I wouldn't care who it was. It could be a class clown, an ugly person, someone who's weird.. I'd still love it if someone liked me.. Just anyone' I got no Valentines this year, come on! That's just cold.
..I think the most horrifying discovery in my lifetime was that my mother faked some Valentines so I would feel.. special. In 7th grade. God. I burned them, literally. She sat and watched, after admitting. I got like three from damned 'secret admirers'.. And only to find out a year later that it was a hoax. Most disappointing thing. I couldn't believe that my mom, who I trusted, would do that to me. "It wasn't my idea!!" *rolls eyes* Terrible. She's learned, though. I'd rather be alone than be lied to, to believe that I'm not.
I always wanted to get one of those real, genuine admirer notes, valentines, something... But, I guess not many people get those, anyway. It would be nice to have something to put a bounce in my step, though.. Just something to guess about, something to feel cheerful about. Something to drive me crazy. : P I'd think to myself.. Why don't they just say who they are..? I'm never going to guess. Heck, if I guessed, I'd guess wrong. And that'd be bad. So secret admirer notes aren't the best idea..

I'm tired.. Hard to make sense, and hard to talk right. I want to write more in-depth, but I'm too tired. Again.. Haha. I'm so bad at this! I need to go to bed, I'm such an idiot! And my homework, and all this.. Stuff! Lots! I don't know how I survive, with four hours of sleep and hardly enough time to have breakfast.. Yet I still talk to Nikhil and try to for as long as I can.. ha. I guess I need to talk to someone, otherwise go crazy. Yeah. Surely.

I find it so odd how I'm such a... Hermit.. a person who avoids everyone, is stressed, and simply dislikes the idea of being with people.. Yet.. I get lonely. Yet I need to talk, and talk.. and talk some more. Maybe that's why I got so attached to ____, hmm? The only guy I knew, anyway. He was the only one I could really tell everything to. But, it ended terribly. My gloom, it was too much for him. Or, just something.. I made everything complicated, I was easily insulted. Well, I assumed far too much. I would get wrapped up in my fears that came with his silence, leading me to worry about things that weren't even directed at me. He was a confusing person, full of mood swings like me. But, he'd hide it. He'd bottle it all up. And he never would tell me. My god, enough of him... wait..

I remember.. What did we say, it was getting harder to talk, and I didn't know why.
"you shouldn't have to make up things to to talk about.."
"well.. I'd rather talk than be silent.. We had this conversation some time before, I remember. Why does it bother you?"
"It's like even though we've known each other for so long we can't just have a normal chat without having to bring in something fake"

Ha.. I have stuff stuffed in a backpack, in the back of my closet. Virgo, pictures, diary entries, printouts, post it notes, lockets.. Everything that reminds me of him. It was on the bus, one day, that I decided he was right.. It was time to go. Leave him behind, and let him go. I had fresh air, I just went downtown, all over, watching the people.. Until night time. Starry night, on the bus with the dim glow. I looked around.. So many wonderful people, I hadn't noticed. I started thinking.. And I wondered.. Why was I holding so tightly to someone who wasn't even there with me..? I can't see him, I can't hear him. And every conversation was starting to ache. Forced, he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Something... I don't know why. Just my damaging personality. And so I thought for a long time.. And though.. I want to move on. But how..? It would hurt. I was afraid to go, because I knew when I left, it was over forever. I ask him how. Days later, it sinks in.. It's not right. He's right. It's not working, it will never, it's a fading dream, of lost memories. Memories of that summer, and the laughs. I decide, it's time to go. I talk with good humor, and no tears shed. What did we say?
"*chuckles* ready for take two?"
"you make it seem easy"
"lol.. is it not easy for you? I prefer to keep- I don't know, but I'm not going to- be all sad, it makes it worse"
"is there some formula to do this right or something"

"you soak your world in emotion, yet see others in black and white. It limits contact possibilities. Clingy, naive, questioning of a reality deserving questions... refusal to admit confusion"
"haha.. not refusal, hesitance. Well, maybe both. I get confused too easy, I feel bad making you explain everything. I feel like I'll irritate you more than I already do. : )"
"which leads back to the limited contact possibilities"
"true."
"its goodbye"
"ok.."
"its too late to hesitate, so why do you"
"I'm merely figured out your last words.. But, if you'd like it to end now, let's. Let you say what you wanted beforehand.. Ok, so, you're ready, nothing more to say? *chuckles* Am I misconceiving that?"
"its your turn"
"to say last words?"
"what else"
"lol.. Last words to you.. I almost have already said them before. Merely, I want you to not be gloomy, remain happy, meet people who make you happy-- Just want to wish you luck with everything, and to remember the good times, not just the bad, please. Understand that I never wanted to hurt you, that I now wish you well. 'keep writing, keep drawing..--' 'and that's all I have to say' Thanks, and sorry"
"no reason to apologize"
"ha, yeah right. I'm sorry for arguing with you, bothering you, and being a pain in the ass! And I thank you for the smiles, laughs, inspirations, and for being there for me. No, your writing doesn't suck, and your drawings are great, so keep working on them, and being inspired. Laugh at the smallest of things, that helps. Laugh more than cry."
"you know.. for a while.. ill have trouble.."
"will you?"
"wondering every night, about where you are, what your doing, if its okay. But eventually, it will be okay. Not every word is heard."
"after 70 days with you gone, it surprises me."

Enough of that... Brooding over the past just doesn't do any good, does it?

"last words said
please don’t frown
or hang your head
but smile instead
and know that better
lingers
around the corner
and know that with a beginning’s end
comes another"

Ah, that poem.. Okay, I'm sick of talking about that, and this. La la la. Goodnight yet again, blog and whoever reads about my dramatized life.

PS I cleaned my entire room today.. Washed all the china stuff, cleaned and vacuumed.. Wow. Sooo cleann.. Anyway, I'll talk later. Goodnight.