The wasps are coming back, surrounding our house. The spiders are migrating to my room. I'm reminded why I don't like warm days. Sweaty, claustrophobic, heat filled.. I don't like it. I need the rain to come home. Too hot. Icky.. Even with short hair there are no noticeable changes. And the upstairs is killing me.
---
Wow. I don't feel gloomy though. Mood swings are at a low today, and it's happy. I'm actually stable..ish. You wouldn't tell, but my head is going from happy to sad and sad to happy constantly. "all that rise must fall, all that is united must be separated" Especially true for me. Except, it happens more often than it should. Day by day, like water level, it changes. High tide, low tide, but much faster. Just one little thing can leave me guilty, ruin my day, and make me all gloomy. (no one can see it, though) But also.. Well, wait.. Well, I'm either gloomy or feeling decent. My happiness comes at only rare moments, but I'll smile all the time anyway..
"Why are you smiling?"
"Huh..?.. I'm not smiling"
"Yeah you are."
"What..? *puts on a fake smile* I'm not smiling, and wasn't"
"You were."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Ok.."
"You must be happy, but not even realize it"
"I guess.. Maybe I was lost in thought, didn't notice"
So, do I smile a lot? I never feel it, nor really notice. I only feel those stretched, fake smiles that make your face hurt. If I have a little smile, I won't notice.
"Maybe I could be called 'the disgruntled destroyer'"
"You don't seem disgruntled though"
"really now?"
"Yeah, you're all cheerful"
"Huh? Me?"
I don't get it. Hahah.. Weird weird. Maybe I'm grumpy inside, but even so I can smile and laugh and be cheerful. Makes no sense. Or maybe I'm not gloomy, and don't know it. Or maybe I'm just tired. I'm really happy, but really tired. I think that's it. But, I'm always tired, always. So maybe when I wake up you can see my good-side, when I'm not stuck in daydreams or half-asleep. It'll take a bit of a while.. Give me a whacky friend or a few cookies, you've got me.
Anatomy of Love. Good song. It's by Shelleyan Orphan.. I think they died off, sadly. Or.. Maybe not..? I don't know. They just seem so uncommon, hard to find.. They're like Frente, or The Sundays, they sound so much like them. The voice.. I guess I have a thing for that voice. Tar Baby is also good. Little Death, Sick, Swallow.. I can't find their lyrics..
"He won't even speak, now. --mind out of reach now. He won't even sigh. He can't even cry. He won't even hurt you. Crossed his name off the side---. He won't even sigh. He can't even cry. Help him when his way is falling down, and it's getting harder to breathe. Cause everyone's sucking in the same old air, and its getting harder to breathe in. "
-Tar Baby
---
It's too hot up here. Bleh.. *takes off shoes* I need to buy sandals. I don't even have any.. Well, some, but they're evil. Pure evil. Girls' sandals suck.
Anyway.. I'm going to do something else.. If anything. Okay. Bye.
2 comments:
Dear Tanya,
Funny how all human beings are afraid of small things. Arachnophobia. Wasn't it a movie? Isn't it a way to express our fear of what's bigger than us? Hmm.. I should think about it.
Summer is just a season, before Halloween, after the rebirth.
You did take a photo from your grand parents outdoor. Air must be sweet in summer, there. Peace in front of you, just as you wake up. You are lucky.
---
Have you ever heard that song: "Don't worry, be happy"? I think it's by Simon & Garfunkel. That is the way to be. You're life must be an everyday spectacle. Make your dreams come true.
Yes, you are cheerful. There's nothing i've seen from you that is not cheerful. Why weren't you?
---
To answer you..
I've heard your thank you, dear Tanya. And you are welcome.
You asked who am i. Nothing, but a stranger in Paradise.
I am someone you could see every day, but on another continent.
Sorry, but i'm not bothered to answer you. Not at all. And it wasn't so long. Just a couple of lines. *smile*
It was kind of you to answer me.
I don't know if i'm deserving it, perhaps i should. *smiles*.
Good night, dear Tanya.
Yeah.. I suppose that the smallest fears connect to the larger, though. Spiders connecting to bites, connecting to pain, connecting to death. As one would fear simple objects because of the memories behind them.. I think that was a movie, but if it was, I never saw it. I don't keep up with movies these days..
*chuckles* More, I just loath the heat.. The rain goes away, it just gets hot and hard to have will to do anything at all. But, of course, good things come too.. Flowers, summer break, beautiful days.. I was just looking to have a good rant. : P
Yeah.. it's nice there. I don't get to go there a lot, but I'm looking forward to staying for longer than usual, when summer vacation comes around.. Yes, very lucky..
--
Ah, I think I've heard it. But that's the only line of it I know, just the "don't worry, be happy" *chuckles* But I can look up the lyrics. Mm..
Hmm.. what do you mean, "There's nothing from you that is not cheerful" ? On my blog..? A lot of it isn't cheerful, if you've seen the rest. I wasn't happy, although apparently smiling at the time, because I was tired.. I'm always tired, or just.. Randomly stressed out by the simplest things.. I just need some quiet, and I don't seem to be able to get it. So being exhausted makes it hard for me to feel happy, though if I hadn't been tired, I may have been.
--
: ) Good to hear.
Paradise..? Ahh, darn it, so mysterious. Where might paradise be, hmm? I'm easily confused as it is.. And everyday, but on another continent? Again I'm unsure of what you mean, sorry.
For god's sake, I don't even know if you're a guy or girl. I can assume, but assumptions have done nothing for me. *shrugs and shakes head*
Well, it was longer than I'd expect, for a comment on a blog that goes on about the most unimportant things. I didn't think anyone reads this blog, especially more than one entry. : P
Do tell, how did you come across my blog, anyway? I'm so curious..-
And a good night to you as well.
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