Pessimism

Pessimism fills me to the brim at the moment. My apologies... I'm a hella grumpy person. I hate it. I know you all do too.

And back to this crap! More about this?? Sorry.

Why do they have to be.. Exactly like me? Huh? Why do they have to be so similar? So hopelessly similar? Why couldn't they be certainly the asshole that I could get out of my head? "i assume and fill in 90% of what isn't there by my pessimistic mind and thus leave myself wishing i could do something for everyone I meet." "and i think i try too hard to be liked, too ... i reflect on myself too much too." "i was a naive lost boy trying to get over a girl i was never with, talking to someone i don't know if i regret or not." "aw.. i truly do need a good cry. warmth upon skin and no reason why."
Damn you!

Again, "wenches!" .. That makes me smile. Maybe if I can picture Mayre, yelling that, it'll make me feel happier. It kinda does. Could you yell that for me, Mayre? Scream at them for me, because I don't have the heart to.
.. I'm literally going numb, from heart to hands. I haven't felt like this since that month.. For god's sake.. Ow ow ow.

Wenches. Wenches wenches wenches. You're right, Mayre, it's satisfying.. Tears tears, nearly. Fuck. Fooking sheet. *giggles sheepishly* My god, I'm going hysterical, here. I haven't felt this terrible in a long, long time.

Combination of hatred, heartbreak, memories, and reminders.. Guilt, pathetic whining.. It adds up. As well as the exhaustion. That's what's making me giggle like I'm insane. Did he cry two hours ago? I'm about to.
*sighs* The pity of a blog, is anyone can see it. The pity of me, is I almost want them to. But.. Things will be better.. yeah.. I just need a life.

I find it funny.. That exactly the people my mom tells me to avoid, is exactly what I'm like.
"You shouldn't hang out with those people, who mope in their own misery, complain and whine about how terrible things are for them.. I mean, they have it so well off. Makes me sick. Be with happy people." I'm not happy. I mope about. I whine. It's shit.

Pain is craving, they say. Pain is want. It's true. The answer to suffering.. Is always wanting more. I want a life, I want to go, I want the summer, I want to be happy, I want people to care, I want to help people, I want days like this.. To never happen. Terrible, so terrible. My mood plummeted. I felt like no one was listening. Do you know that feeling? You're trying to say something important, but you keep on getting interrupted.. They say they're going to do something with you, and then they just leave you, finding something more important. Yeah.. That must be it. I don't feel like I have any importance. Yeah.. For sure.

My mom told me, she felt trapped at my age. She couldn't go anywhere, she couldn't leave her house.. She didn't have friends to be with. She talked to the trees.. .. hah.. Yet the feeling is shared. I suppose this is the trapped age. I can't drive, I can't leave. Anxiety is extreme, these four weeks.. Because now, I really can't leave. It's not hard to, I just actually can't. Well, my ability to is strongly cut off. First, we have one car. My mom had surgery, she can't walk further than a block, let alone take me anywhere. I feel so trapped... It's terrible. Because I have more and more time to do this, think. Think and dwell, without peace. A nightmare.

They called me queen of complaining for a reason.. But do you know.... If you ever saw me, I'd never say any of this aloud, ever. I keep it all stored up in my head. When I let it out, you hear the utter angsty of angst. You hear my thoughts, which no one should hear. So, I bid you goodnight, and I'm sorry to do this again.. *shakes head*

Yet, let's end in song.. Ha. I need a song. Please.. Don't bother me

"Keep on looking through the window again.. But I'm not sorry if I do insult you. I said I'm not sorry about the way that things went. And you'll be happy and I'll even have forsaken me. I swore I'd never feel like this again.. But you're so selfish you don't see you're rude to me. I keep on looking through the window again.. No I'm not sorry if I do insult you.. I'm not sorry if I do insult you.... You told me lies, and I sigh and I sigh and I sigh. Because you lied.. you lied.. And I cried, yes I cried, yes I cry I cry I try again.. I realize.. And I sigh and I sigh and I sigh. Because you lied, you lied... And cried, yes I cried, yes I cry I cry I try again.. Keep on looking through the window again.."
-Not Sorry, The Cranberries