What Do I Do?

I think I wrote it, all over my walls. In invisible ink.. "What do I do.." "What do I do..?" "What am I supposed to do now..?" "Please, someone tell me"

Yeah.. I did. Beneath the posters, behind the poems.. Behind the bookshelf. Occasionally I switch on the blacklight to see these things. Switch it on, and it all glows, comes to life. I see dreams, worries, mostly sad. "This is my wall of dreams, worries, hopes.." I wrote in my real journal, what was on the walls. I'm sure I didn't cover all of it, because some are stuck where I can't see. But I got a lot. My walls are covered. I thought it would be fun, to cover my room with invisible words, story of how my life turns and changes. "Gone...." "I want to go to California!" "I should really clean my room" "I feel trapped" "What do I do?! I'm.. lost.." "how many more days do I have to wait?" "It's over.. said goodbye yesterday.." "I'm sick" "chocolate-eyes.." "I wish he'd call" "Spiders!" "Help.." "Where are they?" and it goes on.

Reminds me.. I had a dream last night. Must be triggered by jealousy, of not being able to go places.. I mean, my mom tends to go out with her friends to dance places, fun places I can't go to. So I had a dream she took me, but it was a big disappointment.. I mean, things just went wrong.

I'm kinda tired, again.. Mm.. Life is so boring. That's the whole problem.. I don't have anything to do. Busy stresses me out, but not busy gives me time to kinda, just wallow in my thoughts.. Usually negative. So I need to do something, at least.. But these days, I'm really really stuck. I can't go anywhere. So, it's really hard, especially right now. I don't have a way to get around, and I just don't know.. Where to go, too. *yawns* I'm tired.. Gonna go back to sleep for a while.

Over spring break I was hoping to take a road trip. Just mom and I, get away from here. Go not too far, but far enough for it to be new, and a vacation. It would be a lot of fun.. I mean, without my brothers and such, we could do whatever we want. Not stop for minigolf, or go places that they wanted to go to. It would be really nice. It's too bad about the surgery.. How many weeks are left? I want summer, now. That way I can plan, or at least be free of stress as I figure out how to make life worthwhile. I need to find a hobby.. Or a way to make money. I can't get a real job until 16, so bah. I wanted to work at Shirazi, or Fireworks, but I can't yet. Fun stores.. Shirazi is especially nice, because it's really close, and is just a nice store and not busy enough to be stressful (stress is an issue for me). Yeah.. People stress me out, a whole lot. First headache, and then yeah.. I'm just not into people. Just a lot at once, talking at once. Hm.. Back to sleep I go.