*whistles*
Sugar sweet
warm heart beat
to fill the coldest days
with a smile
and for a while
my head goes in a daze
I think of you,
I know you do too
and what can I say..
Since the day I met you
I've never felt the same..
Funny how easy,
those words came from your mouth
and I can't believe
I'm no longer by myself
You came my way
and since that day
I've worn a warm smile
for the little things you do
that make my life worth-while
And despite the distant
and the worries you might have
soon we'll be smiling,
together hand in hand..
And know you're who I'm missin'
when you are away..
and it always make me laugh
when eyes alone make you stay..
I can't wait to laugh
when we cross paths
all jitter and shaky hands
but we'll both be smiling,
because we understand..
We're the same,
and how you came..
serendipity at its best..
after what was done and said
I knew that it would last
Know that when I sleep
we're underneath our tree
when I close my eyes
you're here with me
And nothing more I ever wished
than what came, a surprise
laughs and many smiles
and this pair of kindred loving eyes..
Laa la laa..
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Aww Sheet
Staying up this late makes me depressed o___o... Crap.
Looking at pictures of... *cough* *cough* (sorry) other people's exes also does.
Smart move Tanya, smart move.
Anyway..
Ummm.........
Oh yeah. I'm afraid to go to bed because they'll hear my footsteps and know I stayed up this late.
*sigh*
Jeezus my eyes.
I wish I had perfect skin >__>
That's always been a large annoyance of mine. It fluctuates. Most days it seems bad and some days it's okay but it's never good. It's like I'm trapped in the teen acne stage forever.. Or at least clogged pores and evil evil evil evilness. >__< I really wish I had perfect skin. If I did I wouldn't be self-conscious, look-wise.
Looks aside...
Are you suuure you're glad to have me? There's no lingering warmth of a hand as reminder, just words that warm heart and fade, needing renewal. I just don't see what it is about me that's much good, really.. Slightly crazy but kinda annoying. I see myself as a fine friend but not as lovable. I'm extremely moody and insecure, not all that interesting, too clingy and have this shitty need for attention. Really unsure and hesitant, withdrawn, afraid to try new things. I don't see all that much good that I do so I question, why, exactly, I mean so much to you? Hm.
Night time really does make you paranoid, haha. Sleepy time before I get all angsty or something weird.
Looking at pictures of... *cough* *cough* (sorry) other people's exes also does.
Smart move Tanya, smart move.
Anyway..
Ummm.........
Oh yeah. I'm afraid to go to bed because they'll hear my footsteps and know I stayed up this late.
*sigh*
Jeezus my eyes.
I wish I had perfect skin >__>
That's always been a large annoyance of mine. It fluctuates. Most days it seems bad and some days it's okay but it's never good. It's like I'm trapped in the teen acne stage forever.. Or at least clogged pores and evil evil evil evilness. >__< I really wish I had perfect skin. If I did I wouldn't be self-conscious, look-wise.
Looks aside...
Are you suuure you're glad to have me? There's no lingering warmth of a hand as reminder, just words that warm heart and fade, needing renewal. I just don't see what it is about me that's much good, really.. Slightly crazy but kinda annoying. I see myself as a fine friend but not as lovable. I'm extremely moody and insecure, not all that interesting, too clingy and have this shitty need for attention. Really unsure and hesitant, withdrawn, afraid to try new things. I don't see all that much good that I do so I question, why, exactly, I mean so much to you? Hm.
Night time really does make you paranoid, haha. Sleepy time before I get all angsty or something weird.
How You Life Your Life |
 You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
Your Inner Child Is Sad |
 You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time. |
Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
A f-cking insane conversation of my bf~<3 and I
Sometimes I get into a mood to be.... not myself. Lose any sense and don't care, I just act retarded. Oh yayyy, a boyfriend I can be fully retarded with <3. *giggles to self* Mmhm.
Webcam.. possesses.. meeee..
First I had a huge box of chocolates.. And there was a big bow on it. I took the bow, put it on my head. Then I randomly say
"I ammm your giiift.. Use me well *has no idea*"
"Okay, I won't put you on the shelf and let you collect dust"
"You sure as hell won't" I smooch the camera.
Then I randomly hold the bow in my mouth (large bow that covers my nose and goes to my chin). And things get more retarded with every passing minute. ^__^
"The bow, it's kissing you"
"Now...hand over whatever you're on, I'd like some :D"
"is me biting a bow sexyy? XD"
"Maybe in some weird present fetish way it is but yes, no" I balance the chocolate box on my head
"-Throws pennies at it, trying to knock it over-" I put down the box and go to chewing on the ribbon that has the label on the end of it.
"Lemme guess.... There's crack on the ribbon"
"Haha *sucks on the ribbon*"
"I KNEW IT!"
"Yuuuuum.. ^__^ No."
"Tanya....the queen of drugs"
"*thinks of something perverse to say*”
"-Rolls eyes-"
"*sucks on ribbon in consolation of self*"
"You look like a dog who just found something in the yard and we said: "No, bad dog, put it back!" "
"haha and the perverse thing was----- not so perverse but perverse enough.. nooo I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you"
"You know what.... -randomly texts that sentence to Zach-"
"you're evil XD"
"-Says as he texts with his finger- "I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you" "
"I provide you with all retardedness to last you for years"
"-Chains you to the wall and uses you for retarded material- BUWAHAHA"
" *goes wtf at self* I guess because I can't make a fool of myself at any time I enjoy doing it now.."
"You know what? I still love you, even if you're insane :D"
"if you say so" I put the ribbon on my head and it stands like a sort of crown halo
"yess.. that is whyyy.. I have womenly urges to crack you up"
" You should wear that on your head and going around demanding taxes... "I AM THE QUEEN OF SEATTLE -as she points at a random person- you must PAY TO BREATH" "But I have children to feed..." "BREATHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD".. Womenly urges to crack me up? The %^#%$? XD"
"XDD" I make faces
"-Tilts head- Uh-huh..."
"told you I don't make you laugh"
"I've been laughing over here, wtf are you talking about baka?"
"you didn't go 'haha' you went like, 'uhuh, whatever, you're fucking crazy', HEART IS BROKEN!"
"WELL DUUUUUUUUH But I was laughing.. When I say I'm laughing and you're like "oh suuuuure" sounds like me was saying you'd think I would know how to deal with myself by now USE YOUR HEARD BOI, MR. ALMIGHTY PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON NOT JUST TO BALANCE THINGS ON"
"*bows down, kisses feet* sorry my almighty master T__T"
"efsdjksdhlfs WRONG ALMIGHTY"
"you ARE MY GOD"
"I'm God's retarded twin brother Wessssssssy, the one they keep locked in the basement"
"whom I have affairs that are not affairs with"
"Doesn't make sense but OKAY"
"affairs are cheating but I'm not cheating”
"-Quietly steps away from the madness- Like I said... Hotel.. Lots of security. And a moat is looking good right about now"
"but I will get you and cover you in kisses before they can stop me with tasers, BWAHHHAHAHHA!"
"-Quickly loads shotgun- UH-HUH"
"NOTHING CAN STOP ME, I'M FUCKING IN LOOOVE!"
"-Loads faster, faster-"
"*talks like in the movies* Do you really think you can shoot me Wess? The only girl you truly love? Can you pull that trigger?"
"Um...Romeo oh Romeo, where art thou Romeo...?"
"you're not Juliette dumbass XD"
"BUT I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY"
"WELL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL TO ME WESS! I'LL LET YOU BE MY JULIETTE ANY TIME!"
"-Smiles proudly, patting his chest with his thumb- I'm the woman in our relationship"
"I shall protect you! *wraps arms around you cheerfully and tries to pick you up*"
"With your massive taxes and crack addiction?"
"with my muscles!"
"The day you can lift me.... is the day Hitler is found "innocent" "
"how the hell can I sweep you off your feet, woman of this relationship? "
"-Cuts his -scratches out- "her" limbs off- THERE I SHOULD WEIGH LESS NOW!"
"maybe I'll lift you for a sec and we can both fall to the ground and then I fall on top of you all sexy like o__o"
"See....aren't we so good together? Acting like a couple of effing insane escaped hippies..."
"you bring out the pervert in me, baby"
"I don't even do anything XD"
"you're there.. I see therefore I pervert"
"The hell"
"I loooooove you XD sorry but you're screwed to follow me to the padded room to make out with me"
"HA! Yeah, I love you too....psycho"
"you're screwed to be with me XD hahhahahhahhah! all the possiblities.."
"-Is scared-”
"you're screwed to be with me until I drive you insane and you break up with me and I stalk you until you die"
"That would be an interesting outcome"
"I see it as highly possible "
"Well you're retarded"
"lol, I know, but, I think that's not retarded"
"Well it's not going to happen so it is retarded"
"I don't get how you can stand the total retardness o__o"
"Jesus Shishkabob woman....-points up- did you not SEEEE the conversation we just had?!"
"umm.. I guess not?"
"I act just as retarded as you, so of course I "can stand" it"
"what if we're walking along in a park and I randomly decide to tackle you?"
"Then I'll be like "RAPE!!! RAPE!!!! GYARR!" "
"nuuu :P they'd believe it XD just put on your gay voice 'oh god! I don't want her! get her off!!'"
"-Says in gay voice- "zomg who is this female pouncing me like a tiger -growl-""
"what if I decide to pounce on you and pin you down and kiss you? o__o"
" :D Theeeeen, I will submit!"
"what if we're in public? XD"
"Then as you're kissing me I will raises my arms in the air and give two big thumbs up"
"hahhahaha XDD"
" "JACKPOOOOT!" "
"that's too funny to picture XD"
I make a freaky face
"GET THE GUN HERALD, ITS LOOSE AGAIN!"
"IT'S A FUCKING FULL MOON!"
"-Gay voice- Rawwwwr"
"satan is probably hearing that thinking.. wow." (referring to his ex-uncle)
"It's almost 3am, Satan is sleeping"
"satan is kept awake by your feminine and beautiful gay voice <3"
"XD"
We talk more, randomly.
"you have thoughts, you know inside.. you are a perv..... <3"
"Well yeah but I don't express them like you do "
"I blame the chocolate."
"Hah, looks like ze hormones have taken over "
"yup XD"
"-the tips of his fingers graze over your cheek, pushing through your hair over your ear and down onto the side of your neck---P.S- -laughs at the wink- -"
And then suddenly out of the blue we get all romantic.
Can somebody say, what the f-ck?
Just another thing I love about him <3
I can be more retarded than I ever have been in my life with him.... And it's so-much-fun...!
I'm really giddy right now, forgive me. XD
Webcam.. possesses.. meeee..
First I had a huge box of chocolates.. And there was a big bow on it. I took the bow, put it on my head. Then I randomly say
"I ammm your giiift.. Use me well *has no idea*"
"Okay, I won't put you on the shelf and let you collect dust"
"You sure as hell won't" I smooch the camera.
Then I randomly hold the bow in my mouth (large bow that covers my nose and goes to my chin). And things get more retarded with every passing minute. ^__^
"The bow, it's kissing you"
"Now...hand over whatever you're on, I'd like some :D"
"is me biting a bow sexyy? XD"
"Maybe in some weird present fetish way it is but yes, no" I balance the chocolate box on my head
"-Throws pennies at it, trying to knock it over-" I put down the box and go to chewing on the ribbon that has the label on the end of it.
"Lemme guess.... There's crack on the ribbon"
"Haha *sucks on the ribbon*"
"I KNEW IT!"
"Yuuuuum.. ^__^ No."
"Tanya....the queen of drugs"
"*thinks of something perverse to say*”
"-Rolls eyes-"
"*sucks on ribbon in consolation of self*"
"You look like a dog who just found something in the yard and we said: "No, bad dog, put it back!" "
"haha and the perverse thing was----- not so perverse but perverse enough.. nooo I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you"
"You know what.... -randomly texts that sentence to Zach-"
"you're evil XD"
"-Says as he texts with his finger- "I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you" "
"I provide you with all retardedness to last you for years"
"-Chains you to the wall and uses you for retarded material- BUWAHAHA"
" *goes wtf at self* I guess because I can't make a fool of myself at any time I enjoy doing it now.."
"You know what? I still love you, even if you're insane :D"
"if you say so" I put the ribbon on my head and it stands like a sort of crown halo
"yess.. that is whyyy.. I have womenly urges to crack you up"
" You should wear that on your head and going around demanding taxes... "I AM THE QUEEN OF SEATTLE -as she points at a random person- you must PAY TO BREATH" "But I have children to feed..." "BREATHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD".. Womenly urges to crack me up? The %^#%$? XD"
"XDD" I make faces
"-Tilts head- Uh-huh..."
"told you I don't make you laugh"
"I've been laughing over here, wtf are you talking about baka?"
"you didn't go 'haha' you went like, 'uhuh, whatever, you're fucking crazy', HEART IS BROKEN!"
"WELL DUUUUUUUUH But I was laughing.. When I say I'm laughing and you're like "oh suuuuure" sounds like me was saying you'd think I would know how to deal with myself by now USE YOUR HEARD BOI, MR. ALMIGHTY PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON NOT JUST TO BALANCE THINGS ON"
"*bows down, kisses feet* sorry my almighty master T__T"
"efsdjksdhlfs WRONG ALMIGHTY"
"you ARE MY GOD"
"I'm God's retarded twin brother Wessssssssy, the one they keep locked in the basement"
"whom I have affairs that are not affairs with"
"Doesn't make sense but OKAY"
"affairs are cheating but I'm not cheating”
"-Quietly steps away from the madness- Like I said... Hotel.. Lots of security. And a moat is looking good right about now"
"but I will get you and cover you in kisses before they can stop me with tasers, BWAHHHAHAHHA!"
"-Quickly loads shotgun- UH-HUH"
"NOTHING CAN STOP ME, I'M FUCKING IN LOOOVE!"
"-Loads faster, faster-"
"*talks like in the movies* Do you really think you can shoot me Wess? The only girl you truly love? Can you pull that trigger?"
"Um...Romeo oh Romeo, where art thou Romeo...?"
"you're not Juliette dumbass XD"
"BUT I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY"
"WELL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL TO ME WESS! I'LL LET YOU BE MY JULIETTE ANY TIME!"
"-Smiles proudly, patting his chest with his thumb- I'm the woman in our relationship"
"I shall protect you! *wraps arms around you cheerfully and tries to pick you up*"
"With your massive taxes and crack addiction?"
"with my muscles!"
"The day you can lift me.... is the day Hitler is found "innocent" "
"how the hell can I sweep you off your feet, woman of this relationship? "
"-Cuts his -scratches out- "her" limbs off- THERE I SHOULD WEIGH LESS NOW!"
"maybe I'll lift you for a sec and we can both fall to the ground and then I fall on top of you all sexy like o__o"
"See....aren't we so good together? Acting like a couple of effing insane escaped hippies..."
"you bring out the pervert in me, baby"
"I don't even do anything XD"
"you're there.. I see therefore I pervert"
"The hell"
"I loooooove you XD sorry but you're screwed to follow me to the padded room to make out with me"
"HA! Yeah, I love you too....psycho"
"you're screwed to be with me XD hahhahahhahhah! all the possiblities.."
"-Is scared-”
"you're screwed to be with me until I drive you insane and you break up with me and I stalk you until you die"
"That would be an interesting outcome"
"I see it as highly possible "
"Well you're retarded"
"lol, I know, but, I think that's not retarded"
"Well it's not going to happen so it is retarded"
"I don't get how you can stand the total retardness o__o"
"Jesus Shishkabob woman....-points up- did you not SEEEE the conversation we just had?!"
"umm.. I guess not?"
"I act just as retarded as you, so of course I "can stand" it"
"what if we're walking along in a park and I randomly decide to tackle you?"
"Then I'll be like "RAPE!!! RAPE!!!! GYARR!" "
"nuuu :P they'd believe it XD just put on your gay voice 'oh god! I don't want her! get her off!!'"
"-Says in gay voice- "zomg who is this female pouncing me like a tiger -growl-""
"what if I decide to pounce on you and pin you down and kiss you? o__o"
" :D Theeeeen, I will submit!"
"what if we're in public? XD"
"Then as you're kissing me I will raises my arms in the air and give two big thumbs up"
"hahhahaha XDD"
" "JACKPOOOOT!" "
"that's too funny to picture XD"
I make a freaky face
"GET THE GUN HERALD, ITS LOOSE AGAIN!"
"IT'S A FUCKING FULL MOON!"
"-Gay voice- Rawwwwr"
"satan is probably hearing that thinking.. wow." (referring to his ex-uncle)
"It's almost 3am, Satan is sleeping"
"satan is kept awake by your feminine and beautiful gay voice <3"
"XD"
We talk more, randomly.
"you have thoughts, you know inside.. you are a perv..... <3"
"Well yeah but I don't express them like you do "
"I blame the chocolate."
"Hah, looks like ze hormones have taken over "
"yup XD"
"-the tips of his fingers graze over your cheek, pushing through your hair over your ear and down onto the side of your neck---P.S- -laughs at the wink- -"
And then suddenly out of the blue we get all romantic.
Can somebody say, what the f-ck?
Just another thing I love about him <3
I can be more retarded than I ever have been in my life with him.... And it's so-much-fun...!
I'm really giddy right now, forgive me. XD
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Nothing's Really Happening!
Been a while. Need a life update?
For xmas (a disappointment, but ended up ookay..).. I got a new rug (pretty) to replace my ugly grey carpet. So yesterday or the day before we managed to remove the carpet out from everything and put the new one in. Yesterday I emptied out my closet and most of the rest of my room and I'm going to start over...
I was wondering where my knife was, now I know. It was in a shoebox with rolls of poetry (not my own).
Yesterday while my mom was sleeping and dad was playing video games, I randomly started taking down the tree.. Got the ornament box, took off nearly all the ornaments, took off the um.. string of colorful beads that goes around the tree.. yeeah.. (which was tied to branches, a pain).. And started taking off branches.. (fake tree, at least it looks real.....)
Mom and dad went out and bought a whole ton of plastic containers so I can organize all my stuff and store stuff in the basement....
Wess was having memory issues (remembering/lingering on bad stuff) last night, scared the shit out of me by suddenly leaving saying he was gunna go cry himself to sleep. I was just like, noooooo! >__< Because I couldn't do anything, as it was 1 AM his time I couldn't call, he was offline so I couldn't comfort him, reallllllly bothered me.
Apparently he's better now, left me a message, but he's not here and I wish he was because I miss him terribly, last three days we haven't had a lot of time to talk.....
*sigh*
Anyway, I'm babysitting a kitty cat so I'll be earning money, yaay. *yawn* Speaking of that, I should go do that huh... Yeeah.
For xmas (a disappointment, but ended up ookay..).. I got a new rug (pretty) to replace my ugly grey carpet. So yesterday or the day before we managed to remove the carpet out from everything and put the new one in. Yesterday I emptied out my closet and most of the rest of my room and I'm going to start over...
I was wondering where my knife was, now I know. It was in a shoebox with rolls of poetry (not my own).
Yesterday while my mom was sleeping and dad was playing video games, I randomly started taking down the tree.. Got the ornament box, took off nearly all the ornaments, took off the um.. string of colorful beads that goes around the tree.. yeeah.. (which was tied to branches, a pain).. And started taking off branches.. (fake tree, at least it looks real.....)
Mom and dad went out and bought a whole ton of plastic containers so I can organize all my stuff and store stuff in the basement....
Wess was having memory issues (remembering/lingering on bad stuff) last night, scared the shit out of me by suddenly leaving saying he was gunna go cry himself to sleep. I was just like, noooooo! >__< Because I couldn't do anything, as it was 1 AM his time I couldn't call, he was offline so I couldn't comfort him, reallllllly bothered me.
Apparently he's better now, left me a message, but he's not here and I wish he was because I miss him terribly, last three days we haven't had a lot of time to talk.....
*sigh*
Anyway, I'm babysitting a kitty cat so I'll be earning money, yaay. *yawn* Speaking of that, I should go do that huh... Yeeah.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Told You Sooo
I sent Wess (bf) a locket, and a stuffed animal, and a -- oh yeah, can't say the rest. And a bunch of cool crap. But of those things the locket and stuffed animal were.. queestionable. Mainly because, one, my family was convinced on telling me that-
"he won't wear it" or "he may like it but he won't wear it" or "it's a little.. cheesy" or "it's too girly".. etc.
And a stuffed animal? Guys are.. Guys. They usually don't like that stuff.. Well, if they like it they'll deny it or they'll keep it but not enjoy it.... Anyway.. So, Wess got his package today. I was surprised when I checked my email..
He emailed me with pictures of him, one with Dobby's twin on his head (and visibly my locket around his neck) and one with him hugging it, and I was like, awwwwww..
He also left me a message on IM saying this:
I got your package. I opened it and only saw the gifts that weren't wrapped. Oh and to answer your question: "Is it too cheesy?" put it this way, I'm wearing it right now and i won't ever take it off. I haven't opened the other "questionable" gift but I saw the name of the book through the wrapping XD interesting -pokes your forehead- Oh yes, the Dobby thing made me cry, not balling with tears but my eyes swelled up. You have no idea how much Doggie meant to me, he was family to this family, he meant everything to us and that is honestly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me Tanya, it means the world to me. I'll hold onto this thing as if it were another Doggie, even if "this blessing" (as you put it in the card, which I also LOVED by the way haha) doesn't last and things go back to a friendship, I will hang onto this locket and this dog forever. Haven't seen the rest of the stuff though, except the pictures. I'm going to spoil you rotten on your birthday (although I hope me coming out and spending a week or so with you and doing stuff with you will make up for it lol) because you got me...so much XD Thank you for all of what I have seen and I can't wait to open the rest tomorrow morning I love you Tanya, from the bottom of my heart -kisses your lips softly- thank you for being so good to me, I will never leave your side.
---
Awww... <3 haha.
I was also talking to him today.. -
I'm not just being nice either, pinky promise, especially the dog, i wanted to cry ^____^ Even my mom was like: "omg....awwwwwwww!!!!!" and Reggie was like: "Dude, sexy necklace" "Tis a locket" "Oh? Open it" "-I open it-" "How CUUUUUTE!!!!!!!!1111" But yes -hugsssssss- thank you and I'm sure I'll be thanking you more tomorrow XD
Most guys would be like.. 'wtf.. stuffed animal?' and would keep the locket but hide it when they wear it or just not wear it at all, so you rule o__o
When I finished going through the stuff I turned to my mom and said: "Looks like I'll be going to Seattle for her birthday" "Ohhh yeah, you'll be kissing butt for years dear " That's dumb...I don't mind if people see me wearing a locket from my gf out of all people and I carried Doggie around EVERYWHERE, so like I care
you are like, perfect XD <33
Blush- Noooooo, I'm just toasty :D (wtf, random?)
even at 16 you carried it around? .. doggie
I've carried that thing around since I was 1. Okay, example, Freshman year finals: Carried him in my backpack and had his head hanging out
omg <3 I do that on vacation
Then EVERY SINGLE TIME we went to Disneyland I would bring him and toss him on my head
and I would carry it on my shoulder when we were camping.. now we can match and do that o__o
Haha, aw
fucking cuute XD especially in person, in seattle, haha
I know o___O we have the same stuffed animal!
we can hold hands and in the other hand both be holding the paw of our doggies XDDDD
lol XD Yes, totally. We must do that
yes. and yes you are perfect :P
Shhhh, nuuuuu -puts a candy cane in your mouth-
------
He is adoooorableee.. Absolutely adorable. I loooooove you Wess..! <3 Haha.
"he won't wear it" or "he may like it but he won't wear it" or "it's a little.. cheesy" or "it's too girly".. etc.
And a stuffed animal? Guys are.. Guys. They usually don't like that stuff.. Well, if they like it they'll deny it or they'll keep it but not enjoy it.... Anyway.. So, Wess got his package today. I was surprised when I checked my email..
He emailed me with pictures of him, one with Dobby's twin on his head (and visibly my locket around his neck) and one with him hugging it, and I was like, awwwwww..
He also left me a message on IM saying this:
I got your package. I opened it and only saw the gifts that weren't wrapped. Oh and to answer your question: "Is it too cheesy?" put it this way, I'm wearing it right now and i won't ever take it off. I haven't opened the other "questionable" gift but I saw the name of the book through the wrapping XD interesting -pokes your forehead- Oh yes, the Dobby thing made me cry, not balling with tears but my eyes swelled up. You have no idea how much Doggie meant to me, he was family to this family, he meant everything to us and that is honestly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me Tanya, it means the world to me. I'll hold onto this thing as if it were another Doggie, even if "this blessing" (as you put it in the card, which I also LOVED by the way haha) doesn't last and things go back to a friendship, I will hang onto this locket and this dog forever. Haven't seen the rest of the stuff though, except the pictures. I'm going to spoil you rotten on your birthday (although I hope me coming out and spending a week or so with you and doing stuff with you will make up for it lol) because you got me...so much XD Thank you for all of what I have seen and I can't wait to open the rest tomorrow morning I love you Tanya, from the bottom of my heart -kisses your lips softly- thank you for being so good to me, I will never leave your side.
---
Awww... <3 haha.
I was also talking to him today.. -
I'm not just being nice either, pinky promise, especially the dog, i wanted to cry ^____^ Even my mom was like: "omg....awwwwwwww!!!!!" and Reggie was like: "Dude, sexy necklace" "Tis a locket" "Oh? Open it" "-I open it-" "How CUUUUUTE!!!!!!!!1111" But yes -hugsssssss- thank you and I'm sure I'll be thanking you more tomorrow XD
Most guys would be like.. 'wtf.. stuffed animal?' and would keep the locket but hide it when they wear it or just not wear it at all, so you rule o__o
When I finished going through the stuff I turned to my mom and said: "Looks like I'll be going to Seattle for her birthday" "Ohhh yeah, you'll be kissing butt for years dear " That's dumb...I don't mind if people see me wearing a locket from my gf out of all people and I carried Doggie around EVERYWHERE, so like I care
you are like, perfect XD <33
Blush- Noooooo, I'm just toasty :D (wtf, random?)
even at 16 you carried it around? .. doggie
I've carried that thing around since I was 1. Okay, example, Freshman year finals: Carried him in my backpack and had his head hanging out
omg <3 I do that on vacation
Then EVERY SINGLE TIME we went to Disneyland I would bring him and toss him on my head
and I would carry it on my shoulder when we were camping.. now we can match and do that o__o
Haha, aw
fucking cuute XD especially in person, in seattle, haha
I know o___O we have the same stuffed animal!
we can hold hands and in the other hand both be holding the paw of our doggies XDDDD
lol XD Yes, totally. We must do that
yes. and yes you are perfect :P
Shhhh, nuuuuu -puts a candy cane in your mouth-
------
He is adoooorableee.. Absolutely adorable. I loooooove you Wess..! <3 Haha.
Morning..
*yawn*...
I'll be practicing guitar all day, or as long as I can stand it.
Mom forgot to cancel my lesson today, Christmas Eve, but I guess it's fine so I'll go with it. But I wanna have more chords memorized and practice singing Halah and all that.. Also the new song I learned.
I'll practice at least two hours today.
Catch you guys later, happy holidays..
I'll be practicing guitar all day, or as long as I can stand it.
Mom forgot to cancel my lesson today, Christmas Eve, but I guess it's fine so I'll go with it. But I wanna have more chords memorized and practice singing Halah and all that.. Also the new song I learned.
I'll practice at least two hours today.
Catch you guys later, happy holidays..
Friday, December 23, 2005
Sigh
I'm sorry if I scared anyone.. I'm okay now..
Just last night.. Craziness. I'm still upset over all the thoughts and things that are just... Coming back and bothering me, but I'm not sad.
I had a nice dream last night.. Which is odd considering how bad I felt. I dreamt Wess was here.. for quite a long time. And it felt very real, I had senses and it stayed all the same story. I saw him coming home to his house in Seattle, I waved to him and smiled, and he came to my house to visit. I showed him my room and stuff and hugged him, I could feel it. I don't think he spoke anytime in the dream but we wandered around, held hands, and I stayed close to him...
--
"-Laughs- Even if you become insane and lose your mind and wind up in a straight jacket, popping pills in a padded room while rocking back and forth.....I would still be by your side and take care of you until the day you pass away"
*laughing* Alriight Wess, haha...
Thank goodness there's one out there for me....
Just last night.. Craziness. I'm still upset over all the thoughts and things that are just... Coming back and bothering me, but I'm not sad.
I had a nice dream last night.. Which is odd considering how bad I felt. I dreamt Wess was here.. for quite a long time. And it felt very real, I had senses and it stayed all the same story. I saw him coming home to his house in Seattle, I waved to him and smiled, and he came to my house to visit. I showed him my room and stuff and hugged him, I could feel it. I don't think he spoke anytime in the dream but we wandered around, held hands, and I stayed close to him...
--
"-Laughs- Even if you become insane and lose your mind and wind up in a straight jacket, popping pills in a padded room while rocking back and forth.....I would still be by your side and take care of you until the day you pass away"
*laughing* Alriight Wess, haha...
Thank goodness there's one out there for me....
Malicious Shadow.
Why you still read this is beyond me, Malicious.
What-ever-I-dont'-care-anymore.
Of course I mourn for the stupidity of us both, you for not being more clear and heeding at the beginning to my plea of, never, ever, let me love you when you know it's not gunna go anywhere. I told you the first day, I told you clearly and you knew this. And it was far too long.
Don't tell me you'll hold my hand, don't tell me that you think I'm pretty, don't throw your words away on just another passing face whom you cared for but never meant to truly become close to nor stay with. Don't sneak kisses don't tell me how we'd watch stars, I can't believe you did that when it was truly nothing.
As I said, I am a stepping stone of your life, and you were lying to deny such.
Do you think it always works like magic, to go to the other one you talk to and suddenly you're in love? I got lucky. You were just looking to shove me away and I didn't understand. Sweet words go sour when you don't follow through. Promises go dry as they expire.
Wess was odd, a sense of humor that took some adjusting (profanity sarcasm and sex), as I wasn't used to such. He wasn't single and I wasn't even considering ever being with him. Until I found he meant more to me than I knew. I had no idea. It was chance fate and luck. I believe that things along the way lead me to where I am now. I do thank you for the fun times we had, but I wish it hadn't been so sour. I thank everyone who hurt me, everyone who broke me, because I learn from them how to cope, I learn how to deal, I learn what I did wrong and I never do it again. And if you hadn't been hurting me I wouldn't have asked for help and I wouldn't have spoken to Wess as much as I did.
This is not a good night for me, boy. I'm remembering who hurt me and all that hurt me. I'm remembering abuse and I'm remembering pain and crying and every night I wanted to die. I'm remembering wanting so bad to not be alone that I wanted to die so when I watched from above I'd see them cry over me, so I'd know they care. I remember saying, I would lose my legs if only someone cared enough to stay with me always and help me. There was no one ever. I was alone and I was lonely and no one spent any time with me.
I'm from a childhood of love but only from my family. You allowed me to attach to you, that was a mistake... But I don't blame you as you didn't seem to know better, that I can't listen, I can't leave, because I need to not be alone.
I'm sad but I have people to help me, now.. And I don't have to wonder when they're coming home and if they really care and why they don't tell me and why can't they say I love you and will they be hurt and why won't he ever return hugs.
You didn't love me, so I wish you would've been a true friend and blocked me and stayed away from me, so you wouldn't hurt me. You acted like you loved me, I hate that. That wasn't right.
You still haunt me because I saw what you wrote, which means you plague my mind still. I guess it's an unbroken habit.. I can never ignore those who were around for so long. I still look at every single damned thing, every poem you don't write and every drawing he does and what he writes and if he's bitching about his girlfriend (whom appears isn't his girlfriend) and if you're okay, or if you show any sign of life. I still care. And that sucks. I care but I do not like you. You were nice but you're fucking retarded and I can't believe you. Writing romantic shit and acting like I meant something, Jesus Christ child, You have a girl you love, would you stop cheating on her? Stay the fuck away from those other girls you brat.
You can at least learn from mistakes. I hope you do.
Live on and live happily. I'm unhappy now but I'll be okay. This is just another sleepless night where everyone hurts me at once and I wanna cry. Night screws with your mind and you feel like everything is against you and you feel like the things that went wrong are overwhelming...
I hate you but I don't. I hate what you did. You shouldn't have done that, Zandry. You really shouldn't have. That was bad. You have no reason to be stealing hearts and talking everyday to girls whom you have no interest in being with. What else would I think.. When you do that.... You refuse to tell me the truth and lead me on, believing you're not hurting me when really you're just hurting me more, putting it off for the future when it all piles up.
I liked you a lot, but I will never ever ever speak to you again. You, I cannot, accept as a friend. You are forgiven, but you will never be a part of my life again. You will never hear a word directly and you will be a memory of mine. Another naive hope in my diary. And there you stay.
Make up for what you did, be with her and make her happy, make someone happy and never betray. Please say you can at least do that for people you love.
What-ever-I-dont'-care-anymore.
Of course I mourn for the stupidity of us both, you for not being more clear and heeding at the beginning to my plea of, never, ever, let me love you when you know it's not gunna go anywhere. I told you the first day, I told you clearly and you knew this. And it was far too long.
Don't tell me you'll hold my hand, don't tell me that you think I'm pretty, don't throw your words away on just another passing face whom you cared for but never meant to truly become close to nor stay with. Don't sneak kisses don't tell me how we'd watch stars, I can't believe you did that when it was truly nothing.
As I said, I am a stepping stone of your life, and you were lying to deny such.
Do you think it always works like magic, to go to the other one you talk to and suddenly you're in love? I got lucky. You were just looking to shove me away and I didn't understand. Sweet words go sour when you don't follow through. Promises go dry as they expire.
Wess was odd, a sense of humor that took some adjusting (profanity sarcasm and sex), as I wasn't used to such. He wasn't single and I wasn't even considering ever being with him. Until I found he meant more to me than I knew. I had no idea. It was chance fate and luck. I believe that things along the way lead me to where I am now. I do thank you for the fun times we had, but I wish it hadn't been so sour. I thank everyone who hurt me, everyone who broke me, because I learn from them how to cope, I learn how to deal, I learn what I did wrong and I never do it again. And if you hadn't been hurting me I wouldn't have asked for help and I wouldn't have spoken to Wess as much as I did.
This is not a good night for me, boy. I'm remembering who hurt me and all that hurt me. I'm remembering abuse and I'm remembering pain and crying and every night I wanted to die. I'm remembering wanting so bad to not be alone that I wanted to die so when I watched from above I'd see them cry over me, so I'd know they care. I remember saying, I would lose my legs if only someone cared enough to stay with me always and help me. There was no one ever. I was alone and I was lonely and no one spent any time with me.
I'm from a childhood of love but only from my family. You allowed me to attach to you, that was a mistake... But I don't blame you as you didn't seem to know better, that I can't listen, I can't leave, because I need to not be alone.
I'm sad but I have people to help me, now.. And I don't have to wonder when they're coming home and if they really care and why they don't tell me and why can't they say I love you and will they be hurt and why won't he ever return hugs.
You didn't love me, so I wish you would've been a true friend and blocked me and stayed away from me, so you wouldn't hurt me. You acted like you loved me, I hate that. That wasn't right.
You still haunt me because I saw what you wrote, which means you plague my mind still. I guess it's an unbroken habit.. I can never ignore those who were around for so long. I still look at every single damned thing, every poem you don't write and every drawing he does and what he writes and if he's bitching about his girlfriend (whom appears isn't his girlfriend) and if you're okay, or if you show any sign of life. I still care. And that sucks. I care but I do not like you. You were nice but you're fucking retarded and I can't believe you. Writing romantic shit and acting like I meant something, Jesus Christ child, You have a girl you love, would you stop cheating on her? Stay the fuck away from those other girls you brat.
You can at least learn from mistakes. I hope you do.
Live on and live happily. I'm unhappy now but I'll be okay. This is just another sleepless night where everyone hurts me at once and I wanna cry. Night screws with your mind and you feel like everything is against you and you feel like the things that went wrong are overwhelming...
I hate you but I don't. I hate what you did. You shouldn't have done that, Zandry. You really shouldn't have. That was bad. You have no reason to be stealing hearts and talking everyday to girls whom you have no interest in being with. What else would I think.. When you do that.... You refuse to tell me the truth and lead me on, believing you're not hurting me when really you're just hurting me more, putting it off for the future when it all piles up.
I liked you a lot, but I will never ever ever speak to you again. You, I cannot, accept as a friend. You are forgiven, but you will never be a part of my life again. You will never hear a word directly and you will be a memory of mine. Another naive hope in my diary. And there you stay.
Make up for what you did, be with her and make her happy, make someone happy and never betray. Please say you can at least do that for people you love.
About Earlier Today
Today I was really upset... My older brother was just... Being his same old asshole self... *sigh*
I locked myself in my room for three hours.. Fumed to myself for ten minutes, sulked for twenty, slept most the rest.. I refused to open the door. I only opened it when Carson (the only person I can't seem to really hold a grudge at) knocked on the door with pizza. When I opened the door her gave me it and said he hoped I was feeling better, so I said "happy birthday, love ya kid" before I closed the door again.
I don't want you home for Christmas. Because you tend to make me only sad, and though I laugh with you, there are days when I wish I could strangle you.
When I went to my room.. It scares me a bit that all that went through my head is... "I want my knife.. Where's my knife.. Where's my fucking knife..."
I hate pain, I would never cut myself or commit suicide, because I have people who love me and pain is no release for me. But something's calming about a sharp blade by my side, so I can at least threaten to hurt myself if I need to, or freak them out if they dare enter my room or try to unlock it.
I couldn't find the knife.. Which was odd. I have it next to my bed, on the shelf near the teddies and all my random childish things. Funny how that is. It's a neat little dagger in its little leather sheath. I wonder if mom was scared, or if my dad saw the pictures.. Could've. They used my camera without my permission, and on that card I had some pictures that would disturb them a good amount. When I'm sad I do things, nothing that would harm me but things to express how I'm feeling. If that includes holding a knife to my neck, then I do it.
My brother mocks me for all I do, because he can't understand. He probably sees me as a coward, and he calls me an idiot frequently. He used to hurt me and so I sometimes wish to hurt him, but nothing can really equal the bulk of emotional pain he's inflicted upon me. Years. Years of his shit.
You have a side to you.. A side that comes out and that you take out on me. You always have.
Go to a fucking psychiatrist Alex. You have more disorders than I, and don't try to hide it. You feel like you don't belong, people stress you out, you're over-aware of everything, you think you're better and feel nothing even close to 'love'. I almost see you as inhuman sometimes.. You don't understand me when I say I'm in love, you're upset that I have a boyfriend, you never leave me alone. You want to control my life..... You want to control everything and punish me. Do you not think you're fucked up?
He claims he reads this blog. I don't give a flying fuck... Mom said Nana does sometimes too, told me to watch what I say. Well they can know the effin harsh truth if they want, I don't care. This is my life, it has it's hard times, and don't pretend they don't happen.
Count how many times you inflicted things by force, bro. The number of times you told mom she was raising me wrong, convinced her to be a bad parent, that I don't respect her, that I don't listen. COUNT the number of times you'd drag me downstairs by the wrist and make me go to bed. The times you blocked my path, dragged me to my room. The number of times I tried to hit you, told you to fuck off, cried because I missed when you were more good than bad. It started when I was.. Ten? At ten I realized, he wasn't who he used to be. I would ask my mom, why can't it be like it used to be..? Us having fun and smiling together..
I love my mom, I respect her, and she's one I trust very much...
Don't tell her things like that.
Don't tell her Wess drinks as if he's an alcoholic. Don't say he's bad for me like you'd know. WHY does it matter to you whether he hurts me or not? You hurt me all the time! He makes me happier than anyone ever has, I smile and laugh and you know it. You make me cry and you pull my hair, you make me 'respect' and you punish me like an abusive husband would screw with her mind. You. Fucking. Bastard.
You didn't get me a Christmas present this year because everything I said I wanted you didn't want to waste your money on.
You call me emo when I'm sad, you called me fat for months, you mock me for every guy I ever liked, you laugh at me when I print out their picture, you refuse to walk me to my room when I'm scared, you left me on the staircase too afraid to move, you laugh off everything you do to me, you say your sorry and I'll never accept it, you hug me as if you care, mom is convinced that you do and you control her, you make her hate me and you make her think I'm a useless pointless waste of space time and life. You --- you did more. What the fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Yet I always seem to forgive you tomorrow, when all the cruelty from your eyes and words evaporate and you once again, pretend to be my brother.
I locked myself in my room for three hours.. Fumed to myself for ten minutes, sulked for twenty, slept most the rest.. I refused to open the door. I only opened it when Carson (the only person I can't seem to really hold a grudge at) knocked on the door with pizza. When I opened the door her gave me it and said he hoped I was feeling better, so I said "happy birthday, love ya kid" before I closed the door again.
I don't want you home for Christmas. Because you tend to make me only sad, and though I laugh with you, there are days when I wish I could strangle you.
When I went to my room.. It scares me a bit that all that went through my head is... "I want my knife.. Where's my knife.. Where's my fucking knife..."
I hate pain, I would never cut myself or commit suicide, because I have people who love me and pain is no release for me. But something's calming about a sharp blade by my side, so I can at least threaten to hurt myself if I need to, or freak them out if they dare enter my room or try to unlock it.
I couldn't find the knife.. Which was odd. I have it next to my bed, on the shelf near the teddies and all my random childish things. Funny how that is. It's a neat little dagger in its little leather sheath. I wonder if mom was scared, or if my dad saw the pictures.. Could've. They used my camera without my permission, and on that card I had some pictures that would disturb them a good amount. When I'm sad I do things, nothing that would harm me but things to express how I'm feeling. If that includes holding a knife to my neck, then I do it.
My brother mocks me for all I do, because he can't understand. He probably sees me as a coward, and he calls me an idiot frequently. He used to hurt me and so I sometimes wish to hurt him, but nothing can really equal the bulk of emotional pain he's inflicted upon me. Years. Years of his shit.
You have a side to you.. A side that comes out and that you take out on me. You always have.
Go to a fucking psychiatrist Alex. You have more disorders than I, and don't try to hide it. You feel like you don't belong, people stress you out, you're over-aware of everything, you think you're better and feel nothing even close to 'love'. I almost see you as inhuman sometimes.. You don't understand me when I say I'm in love, you're upset that I have a boyfriend, you never leave me alone. You want to control my life..... You want to control everything and punish me. Do you not think you're fucked up?
He claims he reads this blog. I don't give a flying fuck... Mom said Nana does sometimes too, told me to watch what I say. Well they can know the effin harsh truth if they want, I don't care. This is my life, it has it's hard times, and don't pretend they don't happen.
Count how many times you inflicted things by force, bro. The number of times you told mom she was raising me wrong, convinced her to be a bad parent, that I don't respect her, that I don't listen. COUNT the number of times you'd drag me downstairs by the wrist and make me go to bed. The times you blocked my path, dragged me to my room. The number of times I tried to hit you, told you to fuck off, cried because I missed when you were more good than bad. It started when I was.. Ten? At ten I realized, he wasn't who he used to be. I would ask my mom, why can't it be like it used to be..? Us having fun and smiling together..
I love my mom, I respect her, and she's one I trust very much...
Don't tell her things like that.
Don't tell her Wess drinks as if he's an alcoholic. Don't say he's bad for me like you'd know. WHY does it matter to you whether he hurts me or not? You hurt me all the time! He makes me happier than anyone ever has, I smile and laugh and you know it. You make me cry and you pull my hair, you make me 'respect' and you punish me like an abusive husband would screw with her mind. You. Fucking. Bastard.
You didn't get me a Christmas present this year because everything I said I wanted you didn't want to waste your money on.
You call me emo when I'm sad, you called me fat for months, you mock me for every guy I ever liked, you laugh at me when I print out their picture, you refuse to walk me to my room when I'm scared, you left me on the staircase too afraid to move, you laugh off everything you do to me, you say your sorry and I'll never accept it, you hug me as if you care, mom is convinced that you do and you control her, you make her hate me and you make her think I'm a useless pointless waste of space time and life. You --- you did more. What the fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Yet I always seem to forgive you tomorrow, when all the cruelty from your eyes and words evaporate and you once again, pretend to be my brother.
A Love Story
I was gunna post this in the forums because I wanted to ask for everyone's stories about cute moments with the one they love.. So I started talking about mine, and I got going, so I may shorten it and then post it, because I love love stories. Anyway, here's mine, you really don't have to read it, it's so long.
----
I think I may as well share my story about me and my boyfriend... I'm tired so sorry if I'm a little choppy on the story.
We've been together.. about two weeks now (haha) so it was quite recent, though it feels like we've been together a lot longer.. Feels so because we've been there for each other a long time. Story is, we were both in love with people who were bad for us... We're both very easily attached and both hopelessly romantic.. so we were both having a really hard time with the ones we loved. He was a lot worse off than me, I think.. I was in love with someone who cared about me but didn't love me, he was in love with someone else (and failed to make this clear) so I was already really attached to his company and his open mind to all the weird things I like and do, as I'm kinda unappreciated and fairly alone. He acted all lovey towards me although he knew he'd never go anywhere with me. Really felt betrayed.. I grew wary when he never said I love you and when he seemed too attached to his best friend, and with that came the awkwardness and my need to finally leave him.
Weston (my boyfriend) was in love with a girl who had serious lying problems. She was very hard to trust (flirted with guys, showed off her breast size, was immature and irresponsible) and would get upset that Wess wouldn't trust her. Wess has a whole lot of trouble trusting anyone, and I understand the feeling because I'm the same... He and the one he loved would fight a LOT. But they loved each other so much, Wess didn't want to leave. Well he wanted to but he felt he couldn't, and liked the good sides of her.
I didn't love Wess at the time but we were close friends who could trust each other. He was afraid and didn't know what to do, she was going to go on a trip soon and he wasn't sure if they'd last, and was hurting over it all.. Fights, her immaturity, her changing into a bit of an attention her, and being torn between love and dislike.
So, I offered my support at all times. I hated to see him hurt like that so I always offered help, advice, and just a shoulder to cry on if necessary... He cried a lot those days. It was really sad to watch, and I would do my best to make him feel better, but at the same be honest with him, which is what he wanted anyway.
I wasn't the only one who disliked this girl.... All of Wess' friends referred to her as 'the bitch' and weren't happy that he was with her, though as friends they tried not to be too mean about it.
Wess would also help me out when I was sad, which wasn't as much, as I never fought with the one I loved. But it was still a thing of denial and much hurt.
One time he found out she completely lied to his face. He tried to break up with her... But he couldn't handle completely erasing her, so he told me he was going to talk to her but not let her use him again..
For some reason, I just completely broke down when he told me this. I threw a huuuge fit about it, crying and everything... At the time, I actually didn't have any feelings for him. I was just his friend whom he could trust... I didn't know why I was so freaked out, but I was. Wess was bewildered and worried about me because I'd never done this before. He asked why I was, I said I didn't know, but something about "Why do they always win? The sweet people get used and they can't leave, while perfectly good girls out there get ignored because the sweet ones are too busy going for terrible people.. I don't want you to do that.. It's not fair.....! Why can't you just leave her?? She was horrible to you, you fight you cry and I hate seeing you suffer like this!"
I eventually calmed down and just decided.. I'll support Wess no matter what he does, because that's what real friends do. Help him through it, no matter how wrong I think it is, if I can't change his mind I'll at least help him when things go wrong.
He asked me some weeks later.. How do I leave. I want to leave but I can't. I told him simple things. Erase her from your list, set her emails as junk mail, remove her from a friend and block her. He nodded and went through with it..
He was upset over it for a while.. But he was happy to be over it.
That day I thought for a second, asked, we should be best friends, jeez we've been great friends and we can trust each other with anything. I asked because I was thinking, maybe he already has someone whom he calls his best friend. But he laughed and agreed.
That night, I got to thinking.... I really feel attached to Wess... And we were both taken for so long, and that's the only reason I didn't consider being with him really.. And we are sooo similar.. I decided, oooh what the hell.. I'm going to ask if he wants to be my boyfriend. He's sweet, kind, paranoid and clingy like me, and has a great humor.. So I decided to ask him the next morning, two days after he broke up with the other girl and about five days since I stopped talking to the one I had loved.
I talked to him at 6:00 AM (he's three hours time difference)... And finally spit it out after some delay, saying how awkward it would be. "This'll be even more awkward than when we gush" (we are both shy and as that we aren't together, gushing was rare).. When I asked him, he was just like "o__o".. Then he types for a long time (yes this is long distance, please don't consider this factor because it's too stereotypical if you assume things from just that).. And I'm just freaking out because I have no idea what's gunna happen.
Just freaking in my head, "he must think I'm crazy!!" But he says this:
"-You really are everything I'd like for a girl to be, like the way you think and act, your honesty, your friendship, you aren't immature, you care about other's feelings and want to help people. It is irony, or coincidence, or something...I'll admit over the past few weeks I've grown some feelings for you but of course I wasn't about to admit anything along those lines due to --(her) and ----(him). And again..honestly...I would like to try a relationship with you. My only worries are: 1) Would things change? 2) Would be just be rebound or fall backs from ---(him) and --- (her)? Do you believe me to be, in your eyes, better for you than --- (him)? (yeah, awkward indeed)" Me: "I think you are better for me.. I'm not saying for sure we're awesome for each other, but I know you're better for me at least.. because seriously, we have a lot more of a humor and a nice feeling between us, trust and all." Him: "-Nod- We do, it's something I never want to lose with you" Me: "heh, I won't.. I don't really change. you're really sweet too, and a great writer, which is awesome" Him: "And, to go back to the subject at hand...I think you're better for me than ---(her) ever was. Haha, you're really sweet too Tanya, very. You take good photography, I'll give you that hehe. You're very artistic, which I like a lot"
Then he speaks over the little worries, saying he wouldn't want to lose me too. Then we go back to considering..
Him: "Heh...I was downstairs last night thinking about this. Was heating up soup (only food I've had in 24 hours, -dies-) and I was thinking about her and I thought to myself: "I wonder how Tanya is holding up with the whole ---(him)- thing" and I got to thinking about this :P Like we were dropped into place or something.."
I then remember something he left as a comment on one of my pages once... And quoted what he said.
"We're crazy as hell
We're smartasses
Our sarcasm is professional and abused
We're hopeless romantics
We can't have the one we love
We hate teenagers even though we are one
We think alocohol and drugs are dumb
We think cool kids are dumb
We think labeling yourself is dumb
We like anime
We like really fucked up international songs (i.e. Moskau, My Omelette)
We think decorations are cool
We've both had more long distant relationships than normal ones
We both have unique religious standpoints
We both like horror (even though you didn't see Saw II, loser)
We both hate the world
We both agree on the terms of love
We....I ran out of things :P"
That was when we were friends for only a while, and already we had found a lot of little connections...
"We do have a lot in common." "-Laughs- I remember that!"
Me: "I just think, if I can be grooving and laughing to "kiss me deadly" with you and have interesting convos everyday and be really close, why not? We're both single now :P We can help each other move on." Him: "Hahaha, indeed, we are...as always -.- Tanya...I really would like that, I don't see how it couldn't work, I'm sure we'd be great together, I don't believe things would change between us and I believe you when you say even if it doesn't work out we'd go back to being like this...heh, yeah...it seems almost meant to be in a way.. What about those 8-9 days left or whatever? Last night you were still so hung up over that"
Me: "I gave up on him, I just left a message
'you know what? You can have ---(girl whom he was in love with) I'm done waiting for you, and irony is, I want to be with Weston. He's so much better for me and the day in the airport you know I wished for, it'll be happening, he's coming to Seattle. So be relieved, be with ---(her). Bye.' (it was longer but like that)"
Him: "-Laughs and smiles and giggles at the same time-" "Me: is that possible? o__o" Him: "Not sure, just tried it, somehow my voice squeaked" Me: "Isn't it funny... That your mom walked by and said "she's cute, why not her?" XDD" (at the time I was on webcam) Him: I was about to say: "Your brother teased you about me for all the right reasons apparently" Me: "it's so cool that you were actually planning on coming here too.. and maybe moving here.. just an awesome coincidence" Him: "-Nod- Seattle has always been a target place for me to live for a while, the rain and gloom and high suicide rate and all ;P" Me: "oh, did you knooow- weird to say now even so, but whatever... I've never been kissed, never held a guys hand, only hugged a guy once on my bday?" Him: "Mmmhmm, you've told me that before.. -Nods- I want to Tanya, I want to give it a shot..."
Him: "Haha, nah...but...so....I take it we're now not single anymore? -Nod- It'll be a lot of help and yes, I will always be there for you too" Me: "we're almost not single" Him: " -Laughs- You know how I feel about that, I consider myself not single, internet relationship or not. If we're really going to give this a shot I'm going to consider it a real relationship, you'll be my girlfriend (that sounds so weird) and I would be faithful. I'm not ---(her) for christ's sake" Me: "haha, that's good and jeesh, we're both clingy and paranoid, so it works XD" Him: "XD Indeed" Me: "and we don't have to worry, it's nice. I don't flirt with guys, I don't even really know any" Him: "Haha, I don't flirt with girls because they scare me" Me: "I scare you? XD" Him: "No but I could never flirt really...I'm always like "duh duh duh duh words me make can't" " Me: "you don't really have to try, when you flirt, it's just like, hinting stuff, laughing, etc.. eventually you'll see the coy side of me, which will be interesting" Him: "You have a coy side? XD" Me: "very much so o__o" Him: "Hot damn, that'll be interesting indeed" Me: "haha"
Me: "I also found it funny that our song involves kissing ;P" Him: "KISS ME ONCE" Me: "KISS ME TWICE!" Him: "COME ON PRETTY BABY" Me: "KISS ME DEAADLY!" Him: "Weeeee"
Him: "Yes, yay, it's offical, yes, no, maybe, bacon?" Me: "well *think* we haven't met but it's sure close enough" Him: "-Nod- As offical as an online relationship can get" Me: "Yeah." Him: "Haha :P" Me: "best friend, LEVEL UP!" Him: "lol Oh lord XD -Laughing-" Me: "in one day you go from best friend to boyfriend :P" Him: "COINCIDENCE IM PLAYING FFXI :P -hears the "level up" music in his head-"
I go to school, and then come home..
Me: "all day in my head I was going 'omg omg, I have a boyfriend! Haha, suckers, I'm taken!!' XDD" Him: "lol! I told a few people, whoever was on haha. I have to show you this though, hang on" Me: "Mmkay, hehe ^__^"
Him: (I sent Anita our convo and: )
Her- AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
So are you an item or what :D
Him- -Nod- Yes
Her- WOOWOOO XD I like this girl better than --(her) already <_< >_> :D.. *Stamp "
Me: "haha" Him: "I told my mother: "I'm not single anymore" "....please....not --(her)..." "no, it's Tanya" "Oh thank god" " Me: "go me XD" Him: "Yes, go you haha" Me: "would you have ever asked? like, I asked if we should like, hook up, but would you have?" Him: " -Nod- Well...I still thought you wanted to wait for ---(him)'s answer, so I was kind of waiting on that. "Meh, if he says yes, forget it. If he says no, I'll wait a while and then say something" " Me: "See, aren't you glad you left ---(her)?" Him: "Yes, very. She even called today and I hung up on her the second I saw the number and she's been attempting to harass me and I'm still like "Weeeee, I'm with Tanya" " Me: "haha" Him: ":) :P -hugs- yeah, i get to be mushy with you now, get used to it HAH" Me: "hehe, yay. yeah, this was totally meant to be XD" Him: "Duh." Me: (quoting an old convo) " "it's so hard to find guys like that though" "you'll fine them" RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!" Him: "Haha, who knew I was talking about myself. That has got to like break some laws of nature or something" Me: "and maybe that's why I had that mental breakdown when you went back to --(her)? :P something just went HELL NO!" Him: "Yeah, I was like 'Wtf!' XD"
Me: "you know that 'warm fuzzy feeling'? the melting inside one" Him: "Yessir, the warm fuzzy feeling, where your heart seems to beat abnormally and you feel like you're just melting away and nothing can ruin how happy you are?" Me: "haha, yes, I've got it" Him: "Ditto sista." Me: "I haven't been so happy in a long while, it's just sort of the twirly feeling, you wanna dance around and look at the sky and stuff like that XD" Him: "Neither have I, I've missed smiling and having a reason to smile instead of having to like force it"
We talk and go into other conversations.. Him: "Alright, bedtime for bonzo -hugs you tight- :) you're mine, hehe" "hehe *hug* night night"
His away message that night was "-Smiles- Soooo happy :D -Skips to bed like a schoolgirl-" which cracked me up.
This was the start of the most awesome relationship I've ever had.. Though I've only had a few, guys like him are very rare. We're the same in nearly all ways, have never fought (except for poking fun at each other) and no real conflicts seem to be heading our way. I or him call each other every now and then.. I love his voice, especially when he whispers.. And I love how he'll randomly go "Hey.." and I'll be like "mm?" and he says "I love you Tanya.." Never fails to make me grin. He's just such a sweetheart and is so very amusing and lovable. He cracks me up so much when we're on the phone, he has an awesome sense of humor. Also, he used to dye his hair too, and is daring and likes to be random/retarded in public just as I do. He tells me funny stories all the time about things he and friends did, such as.. The one time Wess and a friend was in Disneyland and when they were in line, he literally just randomly clenched his fists and screamed, walking away. His friend then said "Your mother will hear of this!!!" and he left too. Total random. He says, he's really shy but in public he's fine, as that he'll never see those people again. He's the type of guy who likes to lay in the grass and look at the sky, is romantic and very sweet. We're so so so similar.. He doesn't mind my social anxiety and doesn't mind that I'm a total wimp at everything, and is always kind to me. I love him and wouldn't give him up for anything, not a million bucks, not a billion, nothing.
We plan on being total dorks together and doing weird things. Skipping down the sidewalk together, holding hands, randomly breaking into song, carrying around a boombox playing 'our' songs (XD!), kissing in the middle of anywhere, playing pranks, him pushing me around in a shopping cart, him carrying me on his shoulders as I wear the box on my head which has the "X___x" face drawn thickly in black marker on it, going out together fully in PJ's..
Watching the sun go down, dancing and grooving to ska music, staying up all night, watching horror movies and when I get freaked out- "I'd piggy back ride you to your room and put you in bed and lay next to you until you fell asleep", cuddling..
And what's really really cute is, when we meet.. It'll just be so funny and would be adorable to watch. Thing is, we'll both be a nervous wreck! He'll be scared all the plane ride, I'll be freaking out while waiting.. My hands will be spazzing out and I'll get that heart-in-throat feeling... And when we meet, we'll both be shaking, stuttering, and blushing.. And we'll hug and laugh because we're both so shy and nervous..
"so you get jittery too huh?" "si" "good, I don't want to be like that alone XD *stutter stutter blush stutter shake*" "-Laughs- Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Well at least I'll have the whole plane ride to freak out...then again, once I see you I'll probably freak out more" "do you shake in public or no?" "no, never have" "lucky. I get nervous with people around me because I get the same 'watch my every move' feeling" "Wellll, how about I keep my arms wrapped around you or keep you close or something, squeeze you until you stop shaking -laughs-" "that'd be good :P"
We're such a cute couple, it's so funny..
We keep on finding funny things we have in common.. We both have had a dog stuffed animal since we were born, we have similar handwritings, we both love to write, we're both dorks, we both like to walk, both love hot chocolate, our favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, we both worry about something grabbing our ankles from under the bed, we're both afraid of heights, we both stay up late, we both love video games, we both love music, we both collect weird things, we both love anime, we both are interested in Japan and its culture, we both are shy as hell, we both like to laugh and joke around, we both don't have many friends.. It's just an endless list that keeps being added to.
We're both very mushy with each other and love to be. Never gets old. We loove each other and have endless trust towards each other. Despite distance I have no worries about our relationship nor cheating, as he's very committed and paranoid himself. He's more worried about me leaving him.. As he's not the cutest guy and I'm apparently pretty.. But I don't give a damn about that stuff. He's afraid I won't like him once we really meet..
"-Sighs- Just typical reasons, I'm not a everyday average person, I'm not majorly outgoing, I'm not talkative, I don't like to be super active like do sports or go out and do shit, I'm a nerd (to a point) I guess like a movie/gaming nerd, I don't like to be social with their friends, I'm overweight and like "oooo" looking, and i didn't mean like specific girls...just girls in a whole. It's why I told you to not worry about me ever being flirted with, cause it doesn't happen and when it does, apparently I don't notice it. Girls aren't drawn to me...at all XD (losing his train of thought because TV is on and he's tired XD) Why does it matter? >< you could tell me whatever you want and it won't help me not worry....the only way I won't worry is when we meet and I see what happens. Pessimism + Paranoia + No Self-Esteem = It's own little world of ARGH"
As long as he holds me tight and is always there, as long as he loves me too, I couldn't even consider leaving.. No one's ever cared about me as much as he does.. No one's ever said I love you like that and meant it. I feel such a strong connection with him, and I feel this is true love. He makes me so happy, as I make him, we talk everyday and every conversation is interesting. We both have something to talk about, it's not just one or the other blabbing..
I can be a really lonely person, and I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'm glad I found him..
I plan on keeping this relationship as long as it lasts, and I hope forever.
One day I was having a terrrible day, December 11th actually, crying and all because I was sensitive and full of stress and mood swings from going off medication too fast and all that crap.. I had been in crowd after crowd, buying gifts, I was tired and just unhappy all day and no one seemed to understand not to bug me because my meds were messing with my emotions. Wess wasn't there most of the day so I was kinda freaked out and such, finally came back and I let it all out on him. He tries to cheer me up, though I was in the worst mood I've been in for a long while, sniffling into my robe and all. He says to me:
"What's funny is you probably still look just as pretty, even with teary eyes and a germ infested robe on haha" "wanna check? DX" "lol sure" We talk for a while and I'm all gloomy and such.. I just stare into the cam and can't even make myself smile.
He says to me (this is over time, not all at once of course):
Alright...if you say so -laughs, tilts head and looks at camera- hey there pretty one, let me see a smile ^___^ Haha, I know you can...-runs his left hand gently over your hair, pushing it back behind your head, then running his hand down your cheek onto your neck- just think I'll be there soon and whenever you have a gloomy day, I'll be there to hold you until it goes away -grabs your hands in his- and I'll kiss you and hold you and cuddle with you until you can smile again. I'll look into your eyes everyday and tell you how pretty you look, even if you just cried, woke up, whatever...because you still look pretty to me no matter what state you're in. -Pushes his nose against yours- ^___^ It's a bit of a smile, close enough =P Haha, always messing with your emo hair... ('it's always in the way' I say) -Looks back at you- I guess, the whole -covers an eye so I look like I only have one eye- thing looks good on you -giggles- Smile, nice, see it's not that hard >___> ('problem is keeping it from going back down') -Tilts head- I'm not always good at cheering people up off the bat, if I could make you smile and make it stick I'd do it. -Pokes your nose- But you seem to be doing alright cutey ('kiss me then =P') How would you like this kiss? Drawn out in an emote or just a simple smiley? ^__^ ('in detail') I can do that... ('mwahaha..') -I place my hands gently on your shoulders as I look back deeply into your eyes, seeing our clearing in the forest with the single tree. My hands glide down your arms gently making their way to your hands, gripping to them on contact. I lean my neck forward very slowly, keeping focus on only your eyes. We feel our noses brush against each other, I stop for a moment and smile, whispering: "I love you". Then caressing my lips gently against yours- ( *blush* :) ) ^___^ (<3 thanks, hehe..) -Runs his hands over your blushing cheeks- There's the smile from the prettiest girl in my life <33 you don't have to thank me for that :) (*shakes head and laughs* prettiest? I think that's a biiit of exagerating there =P) -Thinks of every girl I know- -Laughs- Nope, definetly not exaggerating. I guess when you love someone though, to you, they are the prettiest in your life. That's the way a guy thinks at least, I look at you and really just smile and go "Hehe, wow :D" .. Want me to come kidnap you? =P (yes, please. send some ninjas =P)
I adore him, and I think I have many reasons to, haha. :heart: He's mine, yaaay..
So that's the whole story. It's 5 AM and I haven't even closed my eyes tonight. Because I've been too busy making a book out of our little two-week romance, haha. But there's so much to every day, I save every conversation.
*whistles cheerfully*
I've fooound my looooove.. Mwahaha. I was wrong to think that all that star wishing, praying to my makeshift shrine (which I did entirely for fun) and hoping was in vain.
I'm not sick anymore too, I'm very glad.
Westooon is awesome, I love him. :) Hehe. Anyway, I'd better sleep....
Goodnight all, if you read all of this I'll choke on my orange juice tomorrow morning.
----
I think I may as well share my story about me and my boyfriend... I'm tired so sorry if I'm a little choppy on the story.
We've been together.. about two weeks now (haha) so it was quite recent, though it feels like we've been together a lot longer.. Feels so because we've been there for each other a long time. Story is, we were both in love with people who were bad for us... We're both very easily attached and both hopelessly romantic.. so we were both having a really hard time with the ones we loved. He was a lot worse off than me, I think.. I was in love with someone who cared about me but didn't love me, he was in love with someone else (and failed to make this clear) so I was already really attached to his company and his open mind to all the weird things I like and do, as I'm kinda unappreciated and fairly alone. He acted all lovey towards me although he knew he'd never go anywhere with me. Really felt betrayed.. I grew wary when he never said I love you and when he seemed too attached to his best friend, and with that came the awkwardness and my need to finally leave him.
Weston (my boyfriend) was in love with a girl who had serious lying problems. She was very hard to trust (flirted with guys, showed off her breast size, was immature and irresponsible) and would get upset that Wess wouldn't trust her. Wess has a whole lot of trouble trusting anyone, and I understand the feeling because I'm the same... He and the one he loved would fight a LOT. But they loved each other so much, Wess didn't want to leave. Well he wanted to but he felt he couldn't, and liked the good sides of her.
I didn't love Wess at the time but we were close friends who could trust each other. He was afraid and didn't know what to do, she was going to go on a trip soon and he wasn't sure if they'd last, and was hurting over it all.. Fights, her immaturity, her changing into a bit of an attention her, and being torn between love and dislike.
So, I offered my support at all times. I hated to see him hurt like that so I always offered help, advice, and just a shoulder to cry on if necessary... He cried a lot those days. It was really sad to watch, and I would do my best to make him feel better, but at the same be honest with him, which is what he wanted anyway.
I wasn't the only one who disliked this girl.... All of Wess' friends referred to her as 'the bitch' and weren't happy that he was with her, though as friends they tried not to be too mean about it.
Wess would also help me out when I was sad, which wasn't as much, as I never fought with the one I loved. But it was still a thing of denial and much hurt.
One time he found out she completely lied to his face. He tried to break up with her... But he couldn't handle completely erasing her, so he told me he was going to talk to her but not let her use him again..
For some reason, I just completely broke down when he told me this. I threw a huuuge fit about it, crying and everything... At the time, I actually didn't have any feelings for him. I was just his friend whom he could trust... I didn't know why I was so freaked out, but I was. Wess was bewildered and worried about me because I'd never done this before. He asked why I was, I said I didn't know, but something about "Why do they always win? The sweet people get used and they can't leave, while perfectly good girls out there get ignored because the sweet ones are too busy going for terrible people.. I don't want you to do that.. It's not fair.....! Why can't you just leave her?? She was horrible to you, you fight you cry and I hate seeing you suffer like this!"
I eventually calmed down and just decided.. I'll support Wess no matter what he does, because that's what real friends do. Help him through it, no matter how wrong I think it is, if I can't change his mind I'll at least help him when things go wrong.
He asked me some weeks later.. How do I leave. I want to leave but I can't. I told him simple things. Erase her from your list, set her emails as junk mail, remove her from a friend and block her. He nodded and went through with it..
He was upset over it for a while.. But he was happy to be over it.
That day I thought for a second, asked, we should be best friends, jeez we've been great friends and we can trust each other with anything. I asked because I was thinking, maybe he already has someone whom he calls his best friend. But he laughed and agreed.
That night, I got to thinking.... I really feel attached to Wess... And we were both taken for so long, and that's the only reason I didn't consider being with him really.. And we are sooo similar.. I decided, oooh what the hell.. I'm going to ask if he wants to be my boyfriend. He's sweet, kind, paranoid and clingy like me, and has a great humor.. So I decided to ask him the next morning, two days after he broke up with the other girl and about five days since I stopped talking to the one I had loved.
I talked to him at 6:00 AM (he's three hours time difference)... And finally spit it out after some delay, saying how awkward it would be. "This'll be even more awkward than when we gush" (we are both shy and as that we aren't together, gushing was rare).. When I asked him, he was just like "o__o".. Then he types for a long time (yes this is long distance, please don't consider this factor because it's too stereotypical if you assume things from just that).. And I'm just freaking out because I have no idea what's gunna happen.
Just freaking in my head, "he must think I'm crazy!!" But he says this:
"-You really are everything I'd like for a girl to be, like the way you think and act, your honesty, your friendship, you aren't immature, you care about other's feelings and want to help people. It is irony, or coincidence, or something...I'll admit over the past few weeks I've grown some feelings for you but of course I wasn't about to admit anything along those lines due to --(her) and ----(him). And again..honestly...I would like to try a relationship with you. My only worries are: 1) Would things change? 2) Would be just be rebound or fall backs from ---(him) and --- (her)? Do you believe me to be, in your eyes, better for you than --- (him)? (yeah, awkward indeed)" Me: "I think you are better for me.. I'm not saying for sure we're awesome for each other, but I know you're better for me at least.. because seriously, we have a lot more of a humor and a nice feeling between us, trust and all." Him: "-Nod- We do, it's something I never want to lose with you" Me: "heh, I won't.. I don't really change. you're really sweet too, and a great writer, which is awesome" Him: "And, to go back to the subject at hand...I think you're better for me than ---(her) ever was. Haha, you're really sweet too Tanya, very. You take good photography, I'll give you that hehe. You're very artistic, which I like a lot"
Then he speaks over the little worries, saying he wouldn't want to lose me too. Then we go back to considering..
Him: "Heh...I was downstairs last night thinking about this. Was heating up soup (only food I've had in 24 hours, -dies-) and I was thinking about her and I thought to myself: "I wonder how Tanya is holding up with the whole ---(him)- thing" and I got to thinking about this :P Like we were dropped into place or something.."
I then remember something he left as a comment on one of my pages once... And quoted what he said.
"We're crazy as hell
We're smartasses
Our sarcasm is professional and abused
We're hopeless romantics
We can't have the one we love
We hate teenagers even though we are one
We think alocohol and drugs are dumb
We think cool kids are dumb
We think labeling yourself is dumb
We like anime
We like really fucked up international songs (i.e. Moskau, My Omelette)
We think decorations are cool
We've both had more long distant relationships than normal ones
We both have unique religious standpoints
We both like horror (even though you didn't see Saw II, loser)
We both hate the world
We both agree on the terms of love
We....I ran out of things :P"
That was when we were friends for only a while, and already we had found a lot of little connections...
"We do have a lot in common." "-Laughs- I remember that!"
Me: "I just think, if I can be grooving and laughing to "kiss me deadly" with you and have interesting convos everyday and be really close, why not? We're both single now :P We can help each other move on." Him: "Hahaha, indeed, we are...as always -.- Tanya...I really would like that, I don't see how it couldn't work, I'm sure we'd be great together, I don't believe things would change between us and I believe you when you say even if it doesn't work out we'd go back to being like this...heh, yeah...it seems almost meant to be in a way.. What about those 8-9 days left or whatever? Last night you were still so hung up over that"
Me: "I gave up on him, I just left a message
'you know what? You can have ---(girl whom he was in love with) I'm done waiting for you, and irony is, I want to be with Weston. He's so much better for me and the day in the airport you know I wished for, it'll be happening, he's coming to Seattle. So be relieved, be with ---(her). Bye.' (it was longer but like that)"
Him: "-Laughs and smiles and giggles at the same time-" "Me: is that possible? o__o" Him: "Not sure, just tried it, somehow my voice squeaked" Me: "Isn't it funny... That your mom walked by and said "she's cute, why not her?" XDD" (at the time I was on webcam) Him: I was about to say: "Your brother teased you about me for all the right reasons apparently" Me: "it's so cool that you were actually planning on coming here too.. and maybe moving here.. just an awesome coincidence" Him: "-Nod- Seattle has always been a target place for me to live for a while, the rain and gloom and high suicide rate and all ;P" Me: "oh, did you knooow- weird to say now even so, but whatever... I've never been kissed, never held a guys hand, only hugged a guy once on my bday?" Him: "Mmmhmm, you've told me that before.. -Nods- I want to Tanya, I want to give it a shot..."
Him: "Haha, nah...but...so....I take it we're now not single anymore? -Nod- It'll be a lot of help and yes, I will always be there for you too" Me: "we're almost not single" Him: " -Laughs- You know how I feel about that, I consider myself not single, internet relationship or not. If we're really going to give this a shot I'm going to consider it a real relationship, you'll be my girlfriend (that sounds so weird) and I would be faithful. I'm not ---(her) for christ's sake" Me: "haha, that's good and jeesh, we're both clingy and paranoid, so it works XD" Him: "XD Indeed" Me: "and we don't have to worry, it's nice. I don't flirt with guys, I don't even really know any" Him: "Haha, I don't flirt with girls because they scare me" Me: "I scare you? XD" Him: "No but I could never flirt really...I'm always like "duh duh duh duh words me make can't" " Me: "you don't really have to try, when you flirt, it's just like, hinting stuff, laughing, etc.. eventually you'll see the coy side of me, which will be interesting" Him: "You have a coy side? XD" Me: "very much so o__o" Him: "Hot damn, that'll be interesting indeed" Me: "haha"
Me: "I also found it funny that our song involves kissing ;P" Him: "KISS ME ONCE" Me: "KISS ME TWICE!" Him: "COME ON PRETTY BABY" Me: "KISS ME DEAADLY!" Him: "Weeeee"
Him: "Yes, yay, it's offical, yes, no, maybe, bacon?" Me: "well *think* we haven't met but it's sure close enough" Him: "-Nod- As offical as an online relationship can get" Me: "Yeah." Him: "Haha :P" Me: "best friend, LEVEL UP!" Him: "lol Oh lord XD -Laughing-" Me: "in one day you go from best friend to boyfriend :P" Him: "COINCIDENCE IM PLAYING FFXI :P -hears the "level up" music in his head-"
I go to school, and then come home..
Me: "all day in my head I was going 'omg omg, I have a boyfriend! Haha, suckers, I'm taken!!' XDD" Him: "lol! I told a few people, whoever was on haha. I have to show you this though, hang on" Me: "Mmkay, hehe ^__^"
Him: (I sent Anita our convo and: )
Her- AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
So are you an item or what :D
Him- -Nod- Yes
Her- WOOWOOO XD I like this girl better than --(her) already <_< >_> :D.. *Stamp "
Me: "haha" Him: "I told my mother: "I'm not single anymore" "....please....not --(her)..." "no, it's Tanya" "Oh thank god" " Me: "go me XD" Him: "Yes, go you haha" Me: "would you have ever asked? like, I asked if we should like, hook up, but would you have?" Him: " -Nod- Well...I still thought you wanted to wait for ---(him)'s answer, so I was kind of waiting on that. "Meh, if he says yes, forget it. If he says no, I'll wait a while and then say something" " Me: "See, aren't you glad you left ---(her)?" Him: "Yes, very. She even called today and I hung up on her the second I saw the number and she's been attempting to harass me and I'm still like "Weeeee, I'm with Tanya" " Me: "haha" Him: ":) :P -hugs- yeah, i get to be mushy with you now, get used to it HAH" Me: "hehe, yay. yeah, this was totally meant to be XD" Him: "Duh." Me: (quoting an old convo) " "it's so hard to find guys like that though" "you'll fine them" RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!" Him: "Haha, who knew I was talking about myself. That has got to like break some laws of nature or something" Me: "and maybe that's why I had that mental breakdown when you went back to --(her)? :P something just went HELL NO!" Him: "Yeah, I was like 'Wtf!' XD"
Me: "you know that 'warm fuzzy feeling'? the melting inside one" Him: "Yessir, the warm fuzzy feeling, where your heart seems to beat abnormally and you feel like you're just melting away and nothing can ruin how happy you are?" Me: "haha, yes, I've got it" Him: "Ditto sista." Me: "I haven't been so happy in a long while, it's just sort of the twirly feeling, you wanna dance around and look at the sky and stuff like that XD" Him: "Neither have I, I've missed smiling and having a reason to smile instead of having to like force it"
We talk and go into other conversations.. Him: "Alright, bedtime for bonzo -hugs you tight- :) you're mine, hehe" "hehe *hug* night night"
His away message that night was "-Smiles- Soooo happy :D -Skips to bed like a schoolgirl-" which cracked me up.
This was the start of the most awesome relationship I've ever had.. Though I've only had a few, guys like him are very rare. We're the same in nearly all ways, have never fought (except for poking fun at each other) and no real conflicts seem to be heading our way. I or him call each other every now and then.. I love his voice, especially when he whispers.. And I love how he'll randomly go "Hey.." and I'll be like "mm?" and he says "I love you Tanya.." Never fails to make me grin. He's just such a sweetheart and is so very amusing and lovable. He cracks me up so much when we're on the phone, he has an awesome sense of humor. Also, he used to dye his hair too, and is daring and likes to be random/retarded in public just as I do. He tells me funny stories all the time about things he and friends did, such as.. The one time Wess and a friend was in Disneyland and when they were in line, he literally just randomly clenched his fists and screamed, walking away. His friend then said "Your mother will hear of this!!!" and he left too. Total random. He says, he's really shy but in public he's fine, as that he'll never see those people again. He's the type of guy who likes to lay in the grass and look at the sky, is romantic and very sweet. We're so so so similar.. He doesn't mind my social anxiety and doesn't mind that I'm a total wimp at everything, and is always kind to me. I love him and wouldn't give him up for anything, not a million bucks, not a billion, nothing.
We plan on being total dorks together and doing weird things. Skipping down the sidewalk together, holding hands, randomly breaking into song, carrying around a boombox playing 'our' songs (XD!), kissing in the middle of anywhere, playing pranks, him pushing me around in a shopping cart, him carrying me on his shoulders as I wear the box on my head which has the "X___x" face drawn thickly in black marker on it, going out together fully in PJ's..
Watching the sun go down, dancing and grooving to ska music, staying up all night, watching horror movies and when I get freaked out- "I'd piggy back ride you to your room and put you in bed and lay next to you until you fell asleep", cuddling..
And what's really really cute is, when we meet.. It'll just be so funny and would be adorable to watch. Thing is, we'll both be a nervous wreck! He'll be scared all the plane ride, I'll be freaking out while waiting.. My hands will be spazzing out and I'll get that heart-in-throat feeling... And when we meet, we'll both be shaking, stuttering, and blushing.. And we'll hug and laugh because we're both so shy and nervous..
"so you get jittery too huh?" "si" "good, I don't want to be like that alone XD *stutter stutter blush stutter shake*" "-Laughs- Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Well at least I'll have the whole plane ride to freak out...then again, once I see you I'll probably freak out more" "do you shake in public or no?" "no, never have" "lucky. I get nervous with people around me because I get the same 'watch my every move' feeling" "Wellll, how about I keep my arms wrapped around you or keep you close or something, squeeze you until you stop shaking -laughs-" "that'd be good :P"
We're such a cute couple, it's so funny..
We keep on finding funny things we have in common.. We both have had a dog stuffed animal since we were born, we have similar handwritings, we both love to write, we're both dorks, we both like to walk, both love hot chocolate, our favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, we both worry about something grabbing our ankles from under the bed, we're both afraid of heights, we both stay up late, we both love video games, we both love music, we both collect weird things, we both love anime, we both are interested in Japan and its culture, we both are shy as hell, we both like to laugh and joke around, we both don't have many friends.. It's just an endless list that keeps being added to.
We're both very mushy with each other and love to be. Never gets old. We loove each other and have endless trust towards each other. Despite distance I have no worries about our relationship nor cheating, as he's very committed and paranoid himself. He's more worried about me leaving him.. As he's not the cutest guy and I'm apparently pretty.. But I don't give a damn about that stuff. He's afraid I won't like him once we really meet..
"-Sighs- Just typical reasons, I'm not a everyday average person, I'm not majorly outgoing, I'm not talkative, I don't like to be super active like do sports or go out and do shit, I'm a nerd (to a point) I guess like a movie/gaming nerd, I don't like to be social with their friends, I'm overweight and like "oooo" looking, and i didn't mean like specific girls...just girls in a whole. It's why I told you to not worry about me ever being flirted with, cause it doesn't happen and when it does, apparently I don't notice it. Girls aren't drawn to me...at all XD (losing his train of thought because TV is on and he's tired XD) Why does it matter? >< you could tell me whatever you want and it won't help me not worry....the only way I won't worry is when we meet and I see what happens. Pessimism + Paranoia + No Self-Esteem = It's own little world of ARGH"
As long as he holds me tight and is always there, as long as he loves me too, I couldn't even consider leaving.. No one's ever cared about me as much as he does.. No one's ever said I love you like that and meant it. I feel such a strong connection with him, and I feel this is true love. He makes me so happy, as I make him, we talk everyday and every conversation is interesting. We both have something to talk about, it's not just one or the other blabbing..
I can be a really lonely person, and I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'm glad I found him..
I plan on keeping this relationship as long as it lasts, and I hope forever.
One day I was having a terrrible day, December 11th actually, crying and all because I was sensitive and full of stress and mood swings from going off medication too fast and all that crap.. I had been in crowd after crowd, buying gifts, I was tired and just unhappy all day and no one seemed to understand not to bug me because my meds were messing with my emotions. Wess wasn't there most of the day so I was kinda freaked out and such, finally came back and I let it all out on him. He tries to cheer me up, though I was in the worst mood I've been in for a long while, sniffling into my robe and all. He says to me:
"What's funny is you probably still look just as pretty, even with teary eyes and a germ infested robe on haha" "wanna check? DX" "lol sure" We talk for a while and I'm all gloomy and such.. I just stare into the cam and can't even make myself smile.
He says to me (this is over time, not all at once of course):
Alright...if you say so -laughs, tilts head and looks at camera- hey there pretty one, let me see a smile ^___^ Haha, I know you can...-runs his left hand gently over your hair, pushing it back behind your head, then running his hand down your cheek onto your neck- just think I'll be there soon and whenever you have a gloomy day, I'll be there to hold you until it goes away -grabs your hands in his- and I'll kiss you and hold you and cuddle with you until you can smile again. I'll look into your eyes everyday and tell you how pretty you look, even if you just cried, woke up, whatever...because you still look pretty to me no matter what state you're in. -Pushes his nose against yours- ^___^ It's a bit of a smile, close enough =P Haha, always messing with your emo hair... ('it's always in the way' I say) -Looks back at you- I guess, the whole -covers an eye so I look like I only have one eye- thing looks good on you -giggles- Smile, nice, see it's not that hard >___> ('problem is keeping it from going back down') -Tilts head- I'm not always good at cheering people up off the bat, if I could make you smile and make it stick I'd do it. -Pokes your nose- But you seem to be doing alright cutey ('kiss me then =P') How would you like this kiss? Drawn out in an emote or just a simple smiley? ^__^ ('in detail') I can do that... ('mwahaha..') -I place my hands gently on your shoulders as I look back deeply into your eyes, seeing our clearing in the forest with the single tree. My hands glide down your arms gently making their way to your hands, gripping to them on contact. I lean my neck forward very slowly, keeping focus on only your eyes. We feel our noses brush against each other, I stop for a moment and smile, whispering: "I love you". Then caressing my lips gently against yours- ( *blush* :) ) ^___^ (<3 thanks, hehe..) -Runs his hands over your blushing cheeks- There's the smile from the prettiest girl in my life <33 you don't have to thank me for that :) (*shakes head and laughs* prettiest? I think that's a biiit of exagerating there =P) -Thinks of every girl I know- -Laughs- Nope, definetly not exaggerating. I guess when you love someone though, to you, they are the prettiest in your life. That's the way a guy thinks at least, I look at you and really just smile and go "Hehe, wow :D" .. Want me to come kidnap you? =P (yes, please. send some ninjas =P)
I adore him, and I think I have many reasons to, haha. :heart: He's mine, yaaay..
So that's the whole story. It's 5 AM and I haven't even closed my eyes tonight. Because I've been too busy making a book out of our little two-week romance, haha. But there's so much to every day, I save every conversation.
*whistles cheerfully*
I've fooound my looooove.. Mwahaha. I was wrong to think that all that star wishing, praying to my makeshift shrine (which I did entirely for fun) and hoping was in vain.
I'm not sick anymore too, I'm very glad.
Westooon is awesome, I love him. :) Hehe. Anyway, I'd better sleep....
Goodnight all, if you read all of this I'll choke on my orange juice tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Cough Choke Cough
I'm sick.
That sucks.
Haha... Weston (bf) got sick the same day I did....... Poor guy. He's better now, I'm still recovering. Though he had it a lot worse than I when he had it.
Dobby. "Oh, and I like to randomly carry around stuffed animals.." Then he told me he used to too, but he lost his stuffed animal on the last roadtrip. He said it was a Doggie that he had since he was born. I was like, "woah!" trippy! And told him, I have a dog that I called Doggie that I've had since I was born.. Cept I named him Dobby later. So that was funny.
I like finding random connections...
Like we supposedly have similar handwritings..
-Whistles- Whistle why you work, do do do dooo dooo doo >.> Silly Disney.. Corrupting my mind -.-
We muuuuust sing dorky things together! :p
Yeees!
:D
We must :D
yaay! ^____^
XD
:P that'll be fun.. we can be all retarded ^ ^
We'll be a couple of dorks off our leash
^___^
-Nod- From the sounds of it we'll be having a lot of fun
we suuure shall :P
-Whispers nervously- I hope XP
what's making you nervous about it? :P
-Shrugs- Typical "zomg what if she doesn't like me in person?! orz!!111"
what if YOU don't like me in person! o___o
Okay -laughs- if the only way you're different in person is quiter/shy-isher, then I'll like you :P
tell me what personality traits you worry that I won't like
-Shrugs- Just....me....XD I dunno, quiet, nervous, shy, person who doesn't say a whole lot or doesn't speak until spoken to XD
aww :P sounds like me ^__^
XD! "Doesn't speak until spoken to" we'll be staring at each other: "Wonder when he/she is going to say something..."
nah, mostly with strangers or just peers.. but with you, I dunno
I'm just worried because I want us to last and I rather not meeting in person be the thing that screws it up XD that would suck
anyway, don't worry about it, shy guys are cuuuuuute
---
Random.
But we're similar in that aspect too it seems.. Quiet nervous and shaky. He once said, sorry if he's all jittery and shaking when we meet because he's nervous. And I said, haha, I'll be doing the same thing, so we'll be shaking and stuttering together. XD
That's too funny to picture.
I think upon meeting him I could love him even more. o__o
hehe. Yes.
Sick sick sick.. Seeing King Kong on Friday. *shrug*. Yup.
That sucks.
Haha... Weston (bf) got sick the same day I did....... Poor guy. He's better now, I'm still recovering. Though he had it a lot worse than I when he had it.
Dobby. "Oh, and I like to randomly carry around stuffed animals.." Then he told me he used to too, but he lost his stuffed animal on the last roadtrip. He said it was a Doggie that he had since he was born. I was like, "woah!" trippy! And told him, I have a dog that I called Doggie that I've had since I was born.. Cept I named him Dobby later. So that was funny.
I like finding random connections...
Like we supposedly have similar handwritings..
-Whistles- Whistle why you work, do do do dooo dooo doo >.> Silly Disney.. Corrupting my mind -.-
We muuuuust sing dorky things together! :p
Yeees!
:D
We must :D
yaay! ^____^
XD
:P that'll be fun.. we can be all retarded ^ ^
We'll be a couple of dorks off our leash
^___^
-Nod- From the sounds of it we'll be having a lot of fun
we suuure shall :P
-Whispers nervously- I hope XP
what's making you nervous about it? :P
-Shrugs- Typical "zomg what if she doesn't like me in person?! orz!!111"
what if YOU don't like me in person! o___o
Okay -laughs- if the only way you're different in person is quiter/shy-isher, then I'll like you :P
tell me what personality traits you worry that I won't like
-Shrugs- Just....me....XD I dunno, quiet, nervous, shy, person who doesn't say a whole lot or doesn't speak until spoken to XD
aww :P sounds like me ^__^
XD! "Doesn't speak until spoken to" we'll be staring at each other: "Wonder when he/she is going to say something..."
nah, mostly with strangers or just peers.. but with you, I dunno
I'm just worried because I want us to last and I rather not meeting in person be the thing that screws it up XD that would suck
anyway, don't worry about it, shy guys are cuuuuuute
---
Random.
But we're similar in that aspect too it seems.. Quiet nervous and shaky. He once said, sorry if he's all jittery and shaking when we meet because he's nervous. And I said, haha, I'll be doing the same thing, so we'll be shaking and stuttering together. XD
That's too funny to picture.
I think upon meeting him I could love him even more. o__o
hehe. Yes.
Sick sick sick.. Seeing King Kong on Friday. *shrug*. Yup.
Monday, December 19, 2005
What Why
How do you read my mind? From eyes to smile, from hands to fingers.. What does it tell you?
My hand plays with my hair.. I'm nervous, uneasy, worried of reaction.. needing something to do with my hands...
I brush my hair over my face.. Self-concious, maybe hiding some unknown flaw, or just her expression.... Or being shy.
I stick out my tongue. Embarrassment, feeble, poking fun.. Awkward, ashamed, flustered. Amused, flirty, disapproving of you or feeling bad about herself.
Looks down. Waiting for a response, not wanting her eyes to tell what answer she wants. Embarrassed, upon admitting a fear or something she was reluctant to say. Unsure, dozing...
Bites lip. In discomfort, or bored.. Afraid, worried, unsure.. In thought.
Stretch.. Sore or awkward, unsure of what else to do.
.. I'll think of more later.. I'm sick, I need my sleep..
My hand plays with my hair.. I'm nervous, uneasy, worried of reaction.. needing something to do with my hands...
I brush my hair over my face.. Self-concious, maybe hiding some unknown flaw, or just her expression.... Or being shy.
I stick out my tongue. Embarrassment, feeble, poking fun.. Awkward, ashamed, flustered. Amused, flirty, disapproving of you or feeling bad about herself.
Looks down. Waiting for a response, not wanting her eyes to tell what answer she wants. Embarrassed, upon admitting a fear or something she was reluctant to say. Unsure, dozing...
Bites lip. In discomfort, or bored.. Afraid, worried, unsure.. In thought.
Stretch.. Sore or awkward, unsure of what else to do.
.. I'll think of more later.. I'm sick, I need my sleep..
Saturday, December 17, 2005
The Many Times You Left My Side
Dedicated to a fool.
----
Bite your lip
and hold back cries
beneath and behind all lies..
Part of you soon did die
I won’t leave,
but I can’t stay
you say, but deny,
please don't let it all go..
With every day you were near
for every time, well I shed tears..
For all the things you said,
torn I'd bled
now I’ve let it all go..
You knew it wouldn’t fly...
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?
Distant smiles burn
beneath blush
to lust, rush
Too fast to head
it all ends,
want.. dead
You knew it wouldn’t fly....
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?
Was it more than false
this taste of love
this dash of lust
Was it all some sort of dream
nightmarish and cold sweat
scream
Was reality the enemy
was dreams all that strung
between us, attached
refuse to unlatch..
Melt between false words..
Pain doesn’t have to hurt
----
Bite your lip
and hold back cries
beneath and behind all lies..
Part of you soon did die
I won’t leave,
but I can’t stay
you say, but deny,
please don't let it all go..
With every day you were near
for every time, well I shed tears..
For all the things you said,
torn I'd bled
now I’ve let it all go..
You knew it wouldn’t fly...
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?
Distant smiles burn
beneath blush
to lust, rush
Too fast to head
it all ends,
want.. dead
You knew it wouldn’t fly....
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?
Was it more than false
this taste of love
this dash of lust
Was it all some sort of dream
nightmarish and cold sweat
scream
Was reality the enemy
was dreams all that strung
between us, attached
refuse to unlatch..
Melt between false words..
Pain doesn’t have to hurt
Friday, December 16, 2005
....
..They're starting to get worse..
I better leave before they scare me.
*leg bounces uncontrollably*
I better leave before they scare me.
*leg bounces uncontrollably*
La di Dah
Fingers hurt. Hard to type. Left pointer fingernail shortened to a painful length, I blame both nervousness and guitar.
a small paper-cut on my left hand. I think it was accidentally self-inflicted.
Green long sleeve shirt from yesterday. Cotton, a dull moss green, it falls into folds as it's a bit big on me. One button open for no real reason but the dislike of the symmetry of a buttoned shirt.
Dry mouth from basketball. Sleepy eyes.
Today Annamarie took me out for hot chocolate. Bless her for buying me it, as I had no money... I got really paranoid about the time, ends up we got back early, I thought we were running late. Ehh, I'm that way.
Artemisa gave me a nice pair of earings, and Annamarie gave me some cool smelly soaps. I LOVE SMELLY SOAPS! Er, I just love uselessly wonderful pampering fun bath crap. It's joyous stuff. Like the bubble bath confetti. :D That stuff is awesome. And dissolving bath roses. (*laugh*) I like baths. Warm.
I was too tired to do Christmas shopping.. I have to get them something back.
On Sunday afternoon I'm going to a cookie making party, Annamarie's... After that, I'll be visiting the Buddhist Monastary. *nod nod* I'm no follower of anything, just those places are so damned pretty.. Ornaaaaate. Anyway, I like the religion, they have good intentions. Most religions are corrupt, this one I think is one of the few that is not. Believe it all or not, they do have a positive outlook on life, or, a way to appreciate all.. So, beneficial either way. Anyway, I'm curious.
Someone's brining us, so yes.
SLeepy me.. Sleepy sleepy..
My legs huurt..
I sent a little hello to my ex, as it seems the 'silence' has been broken. I haven't talked to him for about four months or so, well, I did say hi yesterday but I mean before that..
*shrug* Doodling with him is fun. But he's still the same old annoying emo kid who can't grow up nor enjoy anyone for how they are.. *sigh* Ariel and him even broke up, jeez. I wish he'd find love and actually be happy and not whine about it. I swear he can't be happy. He fights he ignores he has little commitment. So good luck to him. He makes an okay friend but never anything more. He's too pretty to be good, as all pretty people are. Whatever made people made you be one or the other... Pretty inside, or pretty on the outside.... Never both.
--
I look forward to getting an xmas gift from my boyfriend..
Thing is.... With penpals.. They suck. I mean..... Three people have said, I'll mail you something. None ever did, though we were close. I mailed them all this fun stuff and they never returned the favor. Huge disappointment. So I'm sorta afraid that my bf won't send anything or something...
Anyway, I'm having fun getting together his gift. I always spoil loved ones.
---
I needa sleep.. I'm paranoid (as is he sometimes) at this moment. He's like 'omfg ex!' and I'm like 'omfg fuck buddy!'
Well, not literally. But a sex-joke friend. So it's kinda like, *twwwwwitch* Don't be doing that no more because it's like flirting and it's like, nooo..
My parents are also stressing me out. They argue about once every five months, as they enter in things for my mom's business.. *sigh* Because things get confusing and they get annoyed and stressed.
It always sucks so I hide in my room.
So... um.....
Yeah.. I'm hungry too.. T__T
I'm hungry tired paranoid and stressed. Bad. Time to sleep before I start getting all teary eyed for no reason like I do when I feel all these things at once.
a small paper-cut on my left hand. I think it was accidentally self-inflicted.
Green long sleeve shirt from yesterday. Cotton, a dull moss green, it falls into folds as it's a bit big on me. One button open for no real reason but the dislike of the symmetry of a buttoned shirt.
Dry mouth from basketball. Sleepy eyes.
Today Annamarie took me out for hot chocolate. Bless her for buying me it, as I had no money... I got really paranoid about the time, ends up we got back early, I thought we were running late. Ehh, I'm that way.
Artemisa gave me a nice pair of earings, and Annamarie gave me some cool smelly soaps. I LOVE SMELLY SOAPS! Er, I just love uselessly wonderful pampering fun bath crap. It's joyous stuff. Like the bubble bath confetti. :D That stuff is awesome. And dissolving bath roses. (*laugh*) I like baths. Warm.
I was too tired to do Christmas shopping.. I have to get them something back.
On Sunday afternoon I'm going to a cookie making party, Annamarie's... After that, I'll be visiting the Buddhist Monastary. *nod nod* I'm no follower of anything, just those places are so damned pretty.. Ornaaaaate. Anyway, I like the religion, they have good intentions. Most religions are corrupt, this one I think is one of the few that is not. Believe it all or not, they do have a positive outlook on life, or, a way to appreciate all.. So, beneficial either way. Anyway, I'm curious.
Someone's brining us, so yes.
SLeepy me.. Sleepy sleepy..
My legs huurt..
I sent a little hello to my ex, as it seems the 'silence' has been broken. I haven't talked to him for about four months or so, well, I did say hi yesterday but I mean before that..
*shrug* Doodling with him is fun. But he's still the same old annoying emo kid who can't grow up nor enjoy anyone for how they are.. *sigh* Ariel and him even broke up, jeez. I wish he'd find love and actually be happy and not whine about it. I swear he can't be happy. He fights he ignores he has little commitment. So good luck to him. He makes an okay friend but never anything more. He's too pretty to be good, as all pretty people are. Whatever made people made you be one or the other... Pretty inside, or pretty on the outside.... Never both.
--
I look forward to getting an xmas gift from my boyfriend..
Thing is.... With penpals.. They suck. I mean..... Three people have said, I'll mail you something. None ever did, though we were close. I mailed them all this fun stuff and they never returned the favor. Huge disappointment. So I'm sorta afraid that my bf won't send anything or something...
Anyway, I'm having fun getting together his gift. I always spoil loved ones.
---
I needa sleep.. I'm paranoid (as is he sometimes) at this moment. He's like 'omfg ex!' and I'm like 'omfg fuck buddy!'
Well, not literally. But a sex-joke friend. So it's kinda like, *twwwwwitch* Don't be doing that no more because it's like flirting and it's like, nooo..
My parents are also stressing me out. They argue about once every five months, as they enter in things for my mom's business.. *sigh* Because things get confusing and they get annoyed and stressed.
It always sucks so I hide in my room.
So... um.....
Yeah.. I'm hungry too.. T__T
I'm hungry tired paranoid and stressed. Bad. Time to sleep before I start getting all teary eyed for no reason like I do when I feel all these things at once.
Ooops
I've been slacking. Really really lost track of time.. And I'm soooooo tired.. Arhhhrhghhghg..
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Ah Love Love Love
More sweet and wonderful gushing... *siiigh* ^_____^ Joy to webcam, allowing me to get as close as I can..
----
Hehe I was looking right back at you that whole time ^___^
hehe
-Runs hand over your -looks- left cheek- ^___^ :*
I love you Wess.. : )
-Smiles- I love you Tanya... : )
with all my heart <3
-Holds you as close as he can and gently kisses you- <3
*picturing it, you can tell*
Picture it all you can -runs his hand through your hair, looking into your eyes- I will always be here for you...always
as shall I <3
I will go any distance to see you for just a little while, I will keep you safe in my arms, I will wake in the middle of the night if I hear your cry, I will look into your eyes so it means something...-whispers in your head- because I love you : ) Don't ever forget that Tanya :*
wish more than anything I could hold close to you now..
Exactly what I'm wishing for -smiles-
hear your voice and feel your touch..
Feel the piercing of your eyes, feel your breath against my face..
feel your lips agains mine and your arms around my waist...
Feel your hair brush against my cheeks, my body caressed gently against yours...as close I can be
*shivers* :P
Hehe. And what I'd like most of all.... Your hands gripping tightly in mine as I lay with you, our bodies intangled under the early morning sky
I'd weave you daisy chains and laugh :P
Hehe ^___^
and if you stay, I'll come visit just to hold you
-Smiles- I would enjoy that more than anything
haha, I love you sooo much, so in love :P I feel all woozy XD I'll leave post it notes on your door , saying I love you :P
-Giggles- I love you too, so damn much hehe. And even if your parents allowed me to come visit freely, I would sneak to your room just to put a smile on your face.
---
I can't believe I'm found someone like you either...it feels like a dream sometimes. -Blushes and smiles- Aw..Tanya...-smiles again, can't stop- hehe....I never thought I'd find you, ever...and what makes me laugh is you would always tell me: "You'll find someone, you won't die alone" and look...I found you...you were right there...the whole time. -Points to the cam- And that... I will make sure, every day You smile like that
can't believe this is real.. haha.. not some crazy too-perfect dream or something :P it's everything I ever wished for.. and now I have it...
It's real...it's as real as real can get...take this feeling now and enhance it for when we meet, when we can feel the reality of it. -Smiles, takes your hands gently in mine, presses his forehead on yours and looks into your eyes- you have it and you never have to let go of it. Hehe -looks- like I said...I see a future not set in stone but a future that is waiting for me...right there in those eyes...-runs hand over your cheek-
--
Haha, I wouldn't doubt that a single bit. You'll probably glomp me into a oblivion and I'd twirl you around and kiss you  :D -nod- I know...it's so wonderful, yet so hard at the same time...it'll happen though...soon -nudges forehead on yours- hehe, well...when me meet, if you decide to cry, my shoulder, chest, even face are available for the tears at anytime  : )
you're perfect, you know that? XD
Perfect? No...you're blinded by something -pokes inbetween your eyes-
absolutely everything I've ever needed. *thinks about jumping into your arms and kissing you like hell* daamn that would be fun 
-Smiles- You're everything I've ever wanted in a girl, it's weird because I can't even mention a flaw on you. Even your clingingness and bugging me for things doesn't make me upset at all  lol yeah, it would be  we will totally have to do that
---
Trying to seduce me Ms. Gli***ell? Cause.. It is working.
Haha :P
-------
He's the most killer drop-dead lovable sweetie I've ever met in my life, thank-you-very-much, and I'll continue being bubbly all the rest of like.... ten entries so bare with me. XD
----
Hehe I was looking right back at you that whole time ^___^
hehe
-Runs hand over your -looks- left cheek- ^___^ :*
I love you Wess.. : )
-Smiles- I love you Tanya... : )
with all my heart <3
-Holds you as close as he can and gently kisses you- <3
*picturing it, you can tell*
Picture it all you can -runs his hand through your hair, looking into your eyes- I will always be here for you...always
as shall I <3
I will go any distance to see you for just a little while, I will keep you safe in my arms, I will wake in the middle of the night if I hear your cry, I will look into your eyes so it means something...-whispers in your head- because I love you : ) Don't ever forget that Tanya :*
wish more than anything I could hold close to you now..
Exactly what I'm wishing for -smiles-
hear your voice and feel your touch..
Feel the piercing of your eyes, feel your breath against my face..
feel your lips agains mine and your arms around my waist...
Feel your hair brush against my cheeks, my body caressed gently against yours...as close I can be
*shivers* :P
Hehe. And what I'd like most of all.... Your hands gripping tightly in mine as I lay with you, our bodies intangled under the early morning sky
I'd weave you daisy chains and laugh :P
Hehe ^___^
and if you stay, I'll come visit just to hold you
-Smiles- I would enjoy that more than anything
haha, I love you sooo much, so in love :P I feel all woozy XD I'll leave post it notes on your door , saying I love you :P
-Giggles- I love you too, so damn much hehe. And even if your parents allowed me to come visit freely, I would sneak to your room just to put a smile on your face.
---
I can't believe I'm found someone like you either...it feels like a dream sometimes. -Blushes and smiles- Aw..Tanya...-smiles again, can't stop- hehe....I never thought I'd find you, ever...and what makes me laugh is you would always tell me: "You'll find someone, you won't die alone" and look...I found you...you were right there...the whole time. -Points to the cam- And that... I will make sure, every day You smile like that
can't believe this is real.. haha.. not some crazy too-perfect dream or something :P it's everything I ever wished for.. and now I have it...
It's real...it's as real as real can get...take this feeling now and enhance it for when we meet, when we can feel the reality of it. -Smiles, takes your hands gently in mine, presses his forehead on yours and looks into your eyes- you have it and you never have to let go of it. Hehe -looks- like I said...I see a future not set in stone but a future that is waiting for me...right there in those eyes...-runs hand over your cheek-
--
Haha, I wouldn't doubt that a single bit. You'll probably glomp me into a oblivion and I'd twirl you around and kiss you  :D -nod- I know...it's so wonderful, yet so hard at the same time...it'll happen though...soon -nudges forehead on yours- hehe, well...when me meet, if you decide to cry, my shoulder, chest, even face are available for the tears at anytime  : )
you're perfect, you know that? XD
Perfect? No...you're blinded by something -pokes inbetween your eyes-
absolutely everything I've ever needed. *thinks about jumping into your arms and kissing you like hell* daamn that would be fun 
-Smiles- You're everything I've ever wanted in a girl, it's weird because I can't even mention a flaw on you. Even your clingingness and bugging me for things doesn't make me upset at all  lol yeah, it would be  we will totally have to do that
---
Trying to seduce me Ms. Gli***ell? Cause.. It is working.
Haha :P
-------
He's the most killer drop-dead lovable sweetie I've ever met in my life, thank-you-very-much, and I'll continue being bubbly all the rest of like.... ten entries so bare with me. XD
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Happy Sighs
I just saw Narnia.....
The most well-done movie I've ever seen. I'm just taken aback by how damned awesome it was..!
I read the books, loved the books, and it was sooo amazingly done.... So so amazing. Every actor and actress was perfect.. Especially um.. Thimo-- Whatever his name was, haha.. He was such a good actor and they did a great job on making him look right.
<3 love the movie.
The most well-done movie I've ever seen. I'm just taken aback by how damned awesome it was..!
I read the books, loved the books, and it was sooo amazingly done.... So so amazing. Every actor and actress was perfect.. Especially um.. Thimo-- Whatever his name was, haha.. He was such a good actor and they did a great job on making him look right.
<3 love the movie.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Little Blushes Big Smiles
<3 In love..... ... Never be sad again.
I love you Wess...
A conversation, me smiling into the webcam and staring at the lens, giving the illusion of my eyes meeting his.
---
Hello XD
: )
What a lovely image to go to bed to :D
lol, right :P
Whaaat? I'm serious, so pretty : )
lol, if you say so, I don't see it
Yeah well...you never will and I'm content with that but I'll tell it to you until your ears bleed dammit
I see a plain messy girl, lol.
I see a pretty, sweet, cute, yes messy, awesome girl whom I love very much : ) :*
: ) :P
^_____^
Hehe
That will be so wonderful in person
hehe
lol Adorable giggles XD
It's odd that you think I'm adorable
-Tilts head- Right
it is. no one crushes on me ya know, no one asks me out, no guys talk to me, I can only assume I'm not gorgeous :P
Wait until you get older, you'll be beating guys off with sticks.. or something. I don't know. You're still a baby sophomore. :P You still got the rest of school, plus college when you decide to go
That's how you write the date
-Dies while trying to read it- Really? wtf XD
yup, those
12/9/2005 seems so much simpler
haha
It aint no big thang. XD -Blush- Haha
:D :P
Hehe :* That made me smile :D.. Hehe hey there :) ...you have no idea how bad I want to kiss you XD
haha XD
-Smiles-
XD
Hehe, you laugh and I don't even say anything. -Tilts head- I could look into your eyes for hours
*blush* ^___^
-Smiles- Hehe -still staring, attempting to type without looking-
lol, hehe.. : )
Hehehehe XD -smiles- Tanya...
mm? :P
: ) I love you
: ) I love you too :P
^___^ haha, it's so cool when you do that :* -blows a kiss back-
Just a little closer to the real thing
-Nod- exactly. I just picture myself moving your hair away and rubbing my nose against yours as we begin laughing our asses off, then running my hands gently over your cheeks and down your neck, looking into your eyes right before I'm able to softly land my lips on yours
hehe : )
^_________^ -grinning, smiling, blushing-
hehe <33
<333
<3333 :P
lol I can do that with my hands, I'll have to take a picture for you -that gives me an idea, writes it down so I remember it tomorrow-
lol, whadya mean?
You'll see ^___^
lol, okay
Hehe -smiling, has his face closer to the screen- haha
:P
Haha yes! <3 :*. lol Pish :P right back at you.. I wish I could come sooner ><
haha, as do I :P
Hehehe :*
:P :*
It'll be interesting to just stare at each other in person for like 20 minutes XD
haha, yes
^___^ Come fall asleep with me, yes? XD
haha, wish I could
We'd never go to sleep, we'd lay there in bed giggling and being stupid XD
haha, yes
lol you're staring into the cam and I'm running my fingers over your face on-screen, such an adorable relationship XD
haha -^__^-
Blush! XD
See it? XD
Yes, I do -smiles-
You cannot touch me, yet I am touched :P
-Giggles- hehe, even though I've never touched you, I'm trying my hardest to picture it right now and it's making me smile
lol
Hehe -takes you by the chin, kiss- Such torture XD
bwahahaha :P
lol
I can give you 'alluring' looks all day and you'd die XDD
Well luckily I'm going to bed then, right? (it's 12 o___o) if you want me on tomorrow, you'd better let me sleep and at the same time I want to just stare at you and imagine kissing you all night XD gyar.. Stop that, lol
haha, five more minutes XDDD
You said 15 more 20 minutes ago XD
no I didn't :P
Lies!
I said, do you want to see me before you go to bed :P
:P shhhh... I can make you smile... you have no idea how much that means to me.. hehe :* back at you
indeed you can :P
Hehe -can't turn head away XD- XD Silly -Pokes your nose- :P -Falls to the side- As much as I hate to do it...I'm going to get some shut eye but can I have another kiss before I go? XD OoooO I like that angle -takes shot- XD
lol, sure thing :P
Hehe  :* -smiling- thank you : ) hehe
--------
F*CKING CUTE !!! <3 T ^ T
I looooooooooooooooooooove him.. My dear dear Wess.. I love you I love you I love you more than anyone or anything...
His forever.. : )
Ahhh, I'm soo so in love.
I love you Wess...
A conversation, me smiling into the webcam and staring at the lens, giving the illusion of my eyes meeting his.
---
Hello XD
: )
What a lovely image to go to bed to :D
lol, right :P
Whaaat? I'm serious, so pretty : )
lol, if you say so, I don't see it
Yeah well...you never will and I'm content with that but I'll tell it to you until your ears bleed dammit
I see a plain messy girl, lol.
I see a pretty, sweet, cute, yes messy, awesome girl whom I love very much : ) :*
: ) :P
^_____^
Hehe
That will be so wonderful in person
hehe
lol Adorable giggles XD
It's odd that you think I'm adorable
-Tilts head- Right
it is. no one crushes on me ya know, no one asks me out, no guys talk to me, I can only assume I'm not gorgeous :P
Wait until you get older, you'll be beating guys off with sticks.. or something. I don't know. You're still a baby sophomore. :P You still got the rest of school, plus college when you decide to go
That's how you write the date
-Dies while trying to read it- Really? wtf XD
yup, those
12/9/2005 seems so much simpler
haha
It aint no big thang. XD -Blush- Haha
:D :P
Hehe :* That made me smile :D.. Hehe hey there :) ...you have no idea how bad I want to kiss you XD
haha XD
-Smiles-
XD
Hehe, you laugh and I don't even say anything. -Tilts head- I could look into your eyes for hours
*blush* ^___^
-Smiles- Hehe -still staring, attempting to type without looking-
lol, hehe.. : )
Hehehehe XD -smiles- Tanya...
mm? :P
: ) I love you
: ) I love you too :P
^___^ haha, it's so cool when you do that :* -blows a kiss back-
Just a little closer to the real thing
-Nod- exactly. I just picture myself moving your hair away and rubbing my nose against yours as we begin laughing our asses off, then running my hands gently over your cheeks and down your neck, looking into your eyes right before I'm able to softly land my lips on yours
hehe : )
^_________^ -grinning, smiling, blushing-
hehe <33
<333
<3333 :P
lol I can do that with my hands, I'll have to take a picture for you -that gives me an idea, writes it down so I remember it tomorrow-
lol, whadya mean?
You'll see ^___^
lol, okay
Hehe -smiling, has his face closer to the screen- haha
:P
Haha yes! <3 :*. lol Pish :P right back at you.. I wish I could come sooner ><
haha, as do I :P
Hehehe :*
:P :*
It'll be interesting to just stare at each other in person for like 20 minutes XD
haha, yes
^___^ Come fall asleep with me, yes? XD
haha, wish I could
We'd never go to sleep, we'd lay there in bed giggling and being stupid XD
haha, yes
lol you're staring into the cam and I'm running my fingers over your face on-screen, such an adorable relationship XD
haha -^__^-
Blush! XD
See it? XD
Yes, I do -smiles-
You cannot touch me, yet I am touched :P
-Giggles- hehe, even though I've never touched you, I'm trying my hardest to picture it right now and it's making me smile
lol
Hehe -takes you by the chin, kiss- Such torture XD
bwahahaha :P
lol
I can give you 'alluring' looks all day and you'd die XDD
Well luckily I'm going to bed then, right? (it's 12 o___o) if you want me on tomorrow, you'd better let me sleep and at the same time I want to just stare at you and imagine kissing you all night XD gyar.. Stop that, lol
haha, five more minutes XDDD
You said 15 more 20 minutes ago XD
no I didn't :P
Lies!
I said, do you want to see me before you go to bed :P
:P shhhh... I can make you smile... you have no idea how much that means to me.. hehe :* back at you
indeed you can :P
Hehe -can't turn head away XD- XD Silly -Pokes your nose- :P -Falls to the side- As much as I hate to do it...I'm going to get some shut eye but can I have another kiss before I go? XD OoooO I like that angle -takes shot- XD
lol, sure thing :P
Hehe  :* -smiling- thank you : ) hehe
--------
F*CKING CUTE !!! <3 T ^ T
I looooooooooooooooooooove him.. My dear dear Wess.. I love you I love you I love you more than anyone or anything...
His forever.. : )
Ahhh, I'm soo so in love.
He's so so so incredibly lovable and sweet.. :D Damn I love you Wesssss..
*whistles*
"Kiss me once! Kiss me twice! Come on pretty baby, kiss me deaaadlyyyy..."
Our song. : )
Kiss Me Deadly by Reel Big Fish
I looooooooooove him. He makes me feel so happy and good about myself. <3
Hehe. You'll never hear the end of this.
*whistles*
"Kiss me once! Kiss me twice! Come on pretty baby, kiss me deaaadlyyyy..."
Our song. : )
Kiss Me Deadly by Reel Big Fish
I looooooooooove him. He makes me feel so happy and good about myself. <3
Hehe. You'll never hear the end of this.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
<3
Heheheheh... *grin grin*
Every morning I'm happy.. Everyday I can't stop smiling. Just reading what he says brings such a big smile to my face....
-----
-Hugs you so tight-
I liked that comment "I've found you"
It made me smile so much hehe, I've found you too!
And I'm glad I have...
Rather it's soulmates or rather it will grow into that true love everyone always speaks of
No matter what it is...right now, it's meant to be
I want us to be together as long as we can
Maybe because of you, I won't have to die alone -smiles-
Again, thank you for making me so happy Tanya
I know that's a weird thing to thank someone for but I feel the need to
-Wants to wrap his arms around you and kiss you-
(I promise I'll try to lose some weight so kissing me will be more of a turn-on-ish attractive thing XD)
-Bows, kisses your hand- lol
Hope you slept well and that you get to see this when you wake up
You'll have more messages when you get back from school
<3
-Wes
-------
Is it not the sweetest thing ever?? T_____T.. He feels for me as I feel for him.. We're the same... Awww~~~~~~...
Hahha.. :D I love him to deaath. I'm so glad he's coming here.. I'm so glad I get to see him, that I can trust him..
I looove you Wessssss~
: )
Every morning I'm happy.. Everyday I can't stop smiling. Just reading what he says brings such a big smile to my face....
-----
-Hugs you so tight-
I liked that comment "I've found you"
It made me smile so much hehe, I've found you too!
And I'm glad I have...
Rather it's soulmates or rather it will grow into that true love everyone always speaks of
No matter what it is...right now, it's meant to be
I want us to be together as long as we can
Maybe because of you, I won't have to die alone -smiles-
Again, thank you for making me so happy Tanya
I know that's a weird thing to thank someone for but I feel the need to
-Wants to wrap his arms around you and kiss you-
(I promise I'll try to lose some weight so kissing me will be more of a turn-on-ish attractive thing XD)
-Bows, kisses your hand- lol
Hope you slept well and that you get to see this when you wake up
You'll have more messages when you get back from school
<3
-Wes
-------
Is it not the sweetest thing ever?? T_____T.. He feels for me as I feel for him.. We're the same... Awww~~~~~~...
Hahha.. :D I love him to deaath. I'm so glad he's coming here.. I'm so glad I get to see him, that I can trust him..
I looove you Wessssss~
: )
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
So In Love
<3
I love him so so so so much.
It's meant to be, it's so meant to be. Out of billions of billions of people, he came.. He, exactly like me, in all ways..
I love him so so much..
I'm so happy I feel like crying. He's mine.. Mine mine mine and mine for as long as we wish.. *cry*
"Heh, just honestly is amazing how much you are like me. Not saying that to be sarcastic or cute or to purposely repeat...it's the honest truth. it's just...amazing...I've always met people where I can go "Oh well they're kind of like me, they can relate to me a little" but never like "Am I looking in the mirror?" I mean yeah, we have some differences on beliefs but overall...our personality is basically just the same exact thing. I hope I don't make you feel stressed at all, the only way you make me feel that way is because I really do care about you deeply and we're in a relationship-ish thing and I keep hoping I can make you happy and for you to try and like me in every way but yeah. Other than that...what you said is me...down to the last word... -Smiles- That made me blush lol (sorry I'm slow, FFXI, yes I'm a junkie) But after that, after knowing so much more on how you're like me, my feelings for you have just totally skyrocketed. It makes me want to be with you as long as possible"
"haha
lol, my eyes are tearing up XD"
"There's a feeling inside of me that wants to fall in love with you, a part of me because it knows you are someone who makes me happy, who I trust, who cares..loves me for who I am, regardless of how I look...and without a doubt, this feeling will soon just explode XD
Awwww lol happy tears I'm hoping XD"
"for sure
this is exactly what I've wanted all my life and you have no idea how good it feels”
"Hehe, it's definetly what I've been searching for. I never thought i'd find it, never. "Someone compatible with me, lol yeah, in my dreams""
"here I am! *hop*
I knocked down the door XD"
"lol -Hugs you so tight- Thank you -smiling- you've made me so happy, you have no idea"
"nor do you"
"Hehe ^____^ Ahh, this would be one of those moments where it'd be nice to be next to each other XD being all huggy and junk"
"haha, for sure
can't you be my xmas present? XD"
-----
I love you so much Weston.. You've only been my boyfriend two days yet... You feel like everything to me.
So this is what it feels like.. So wonderful.. So happy you feel like you could just melt away. So happy you could cry and laugh and twirl in circles for hours..
I love him so so so so much.
It's meant to be, it's so meant to be. Out of billions of billions of people, he came.. He, exactly like me, in all ways..
I love him so so much..
I'm so happy I feel like crying. He's mine.. Mine mine mine and mine for as long as we wish.. *cry*
"Heh, just honestly is amazing how much you are like me. Not saying that to be sarcastic or cute or to purposely repeat...it's the honest truth. it's just...amazing...I've always met people where I can go "Oh well they're kind of like me, they can relate to me a little" but never like "Am I looking in the mirror?" I mean yeah, we have some differences on beliefs but overall...our personality is basically just the same exact thing. I hope I don't make you feel stressed at all, the only way you make me feel that way is because I really do care about you deeply and we're in a relationship-ish thing and I keep hoping I can make you happy and for you to try and like me in every way but yeah. Other than that...what you said is me...down to the last word... -Smiles- That made me blush lol (sorry I'm slow, FFXI, yes I'm a junkie) But after that, after knowing so much more on how you're like me, my feelings for you have just totally skyrocketed. It makes me want to be with you as long as possible"
"haha
lol, my eyes are tearing up XD"
"There's a feeling inside of me that wants to fall in love with you, a part of me because it knows you are someone who makes me happy, who I trust, who cares..loves me for who I am, regardless of how I look...and without a doubt, this feeling will soon just explode XD
Awwww lol happy tears I'm hoping XD"
"for sure
this is exactly what I've wanted all my life and you have no idea how good it feels”
"Hehe, it's definetly what I've been searching for. I never thought i'd find it, never. "Someone compatible with me, lol yeah, in my dreams""
"here I am! *hop*
I knocked down the door XD"
"lol -Hugs you so tight- Thank you -smiling- you've made me so happy, you have no idea"
"nor do you"
"Hehe ^____^ Ahh, this would be one of those moments where it'd be nice to be next to each other XD being all huggy and junk"
"haha, for sure
can't you be my xmas present? XD"
-----
I love you so much Weston.. You've only been my boyfriend two days yet... You feel like everything to me.
So this is what it feels like.. So wonderful.. So happy you feel like you could just melt away. So happy you could cry and laugh and twirl in circles for hours..
Monday, December 05, 2005
Lost Then Found
I asked Weston at 6 Am this morning if he'd be my boyfriend. Answer is yes.
I'm so happy.. It was meant to be, I just know it. How we met and when, what happened in our lives.. How we were there for each other and he trusts me though he hardly trusts anyone. How we had feelings for each other but were blocked by painful relationships that wouldn't go away. How we're exactly alike, how we give each other a laugh and can tell each other anything. How even being his girlfriend, we still talk and laugh the same, nothing changes.
He's a sweetie. I haven't been so happy in a long while.
It's funny how easily it came too. I didn't have to ask twice, I didn't have to ask him anything nor him ask me anything. He had actually been thinking about the same thing the night before.. Wondering if I'd move on so he could be with me.
He got me a Christmas present, and I'm getting him one this weekend. I'm so glad to be with him.. <3
I'm so happy.. It was meant to be, I just know it. How we met and when, what happened in our lives.. How we were there for each other and he trusts me though he hardly trusts anyone. How we had feelings for each other but were blocked by painful relationships that wouldn't go away. How we're exactly alike, how we give each other a laugh and can tell each other anything. How even being his girlfriend, we still talk and laugh the same, nothing changes.
He's a sweetie. I haven't been so happy in a long while.
It's funny how easily it came too. I didn't have to ask twice, I didn't have to ask him anything nor him ask me anything. He had actually been thinking about the same thing the night before.. Wondering if I'd move on so he could be with me.
He got me a Christmas present, and I'm getting him one this weekend. I'm so glad to be with him.. <3
Two Of A Kind
We both had our hearts broken at the same time.. We both are alone. We both trust eachother more than anyone. We both are sensitive and clingy, paranoid. We both write. He's moving to Seattle.. Could such a coincidence not mean something?
Sunday, December 04, 2005
"hopeless romantic who lacks romance wonders if she has the chance at romance at all so she looks for some way to be convinced"
Explaining to Wess my irrational fear of not being pretty.
---
I see, so how is people telling you you're pretty going to help you think you have romance? Anyone can tell you you're pretty but it doesn't mean they like you. Which is why you should take it from the people who matter. I hate myself, you know this, I find myself to be hideous, repulsive and disgusting in every single way, from head to toe. But if someone close to me honestly says: "you're not bad looking" or "you're cute" I believe their opinion. Everyone else, fuck em
I need their opinions about as much as I need an infected scortum
scrotum*'
lol. being told I'm pretty would tell me that someone I want to be with could possibly like me back
Then why hang up all over it?
I don't know, because I'm brainwashed.. from childhood, beauty is everything for a girl
I know, it's sad
Beauty won't get you anywhere in life. People tell me: "yeah, be a model". Yeah, once you become bolemic because your manager tells you the public once to see ribs, we'll see how happy you are
Beauty is overrated trash and there is no such thing as perfection. France and America have created an image in which only shallow people with dark hearts feed into. If someone has a great personality, no matter how ugly they are, they always look great. And again, practical? No such thing as pretty or ugly, some people find one girl gorgeous, others find her pretty. It's sick brainwashing and it needs to be shot down
yeah..
and that's how my eyes work
all my friends can never be ugly to me
at first I think they look strange but all flaws fade
-Nod- Because you learn about them
yup
it's interesting
and I'm glad, because I'm happy to judge by heart and not shell
Yes, it makes you a good person -gives you another cookie-
hehe
Honestly? I don't think I have ever EVER Looked at any girl and thought "Ew..." because, no matter how thin, fat, pimply, nasty, greasy, scaly, whatever a girl is...I always find something pretty about her Even if I don't know them
Explaining to Wess my irrational fear of not being pretty.
---
I see, so how is people telling you you're pretty going to help you think you have romance? Anyone can tell you you're pretty but it doesn't mean they like you. Which is why you should take it from the people who matter. I hate myself, you know this, I find myself to be hideous, repulsive and disgusting in every single way, from head to toe. But if someone close to me honestly says: "you're not bad looking" or "you're cute" I believe their opinion. Everyone else, fuck em
I need their opinions about as much as I need an infected scortum
scrotum*'
lol. being told I'm pretty would tell me that someone I want to be with could possibly like me back
Then why hang up all over it?
I don't know, because I'm brainwashed.. from childhood, beauty is everything for a girl
I know, it's sad
Beauty won't get you anywhere in life. People tell me: "yeah, be a model". Yeah, once you become bolemic because your manager tells you the public once to see ribs, we'll see how happy you are
Beauty is overrated trash and there is no such thing as perfection. France and America have created an image in which only shallow people with dark hearts feed into. If someone has a great personality, no matter how ugly they are, they always look great. And again, practical? No such thing as pretty or ugly, some people find one girl gorgeous, others find her pretty. It's sick brainwashing and it needs to be shot down
yeah..
and that's how my eyes work
all my friends can never be ugly to me
at first I think they look strange but all flaws fade
-Nod- Because you learn about them
yup
it's interesting
and I'm glad, because I'm happy to judge by heart and not shell
Yes, it makes you a good person -gives you another cookie-
hehe
Honestly? I don't think I have ever EVER Looked at any girl and thought "Ew..." because, no matter how thin, fat, pimply, nasty, greasy, scaly, whatever a girl is...I always find something pretty about her Even if I don't know them
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Can't Sleep..
..Dunno why.. I just don't want to close my eyes, because I'm afraid the days will pass too fast and I'll have more work to do than I can handle..
I'm afraid school will come too soon. I hate school. I hate it..!
I'm afraid school will come too soon. I hate school. I hate it..!
Yell, Stomp, Scream Real Loud
I'm hungry tired and not very happy.
Why does everything like to go bad at once? Crush rejects me, one I truly love chooses her and not me, grades are falling, stress is rising, depression nearing... Social anxiety not improving.
I just want to go to sleep and for it all to go away... I want to go into a coma of dreams so I can be at peace... So I can run in the fields and live with the fairies, chase the butterflies, kiss, laze, daydream, fly.
I'd rather live there than here. I'd rather be mind-dead than this way. I'd rather sleep forever than find things to lose that I will lose.
I want to sleep forever. And that's it. I don't want to die, I want to sleep. Sleep and not wake up.. Not wake up until the world decides it's done killing me... Not wake up until love is present and fate stops killing me.
Why does everything like to go bad at once? Crush rejects me, one I truly love chooses her and not me, grades are falling, stress is rising, depression nearing... Social anxiety not improving.
I just want to go to sleep and for it all to go away... I want to go into a coma of dreams so I can be at peace... So I can run in the fields and live with the fairies, chase the butterflies, kiss, laze, daydream, fly.
I'd rather live there than here. I'd rather be mind-dead than this way. I'd rather sleep forever than find things to lose that I will lose.
I want to sleep forever. And that's it. I don't want to die, I want to sleep. Sleep and not wake up.. Not wake up until the world decides it's done killing me... Not wake up until love is present and fate stops killing me.
Friday, December 02, 2005
shh..
I feel an artistic itch but I don't know how to get it out.
Shift slowly rise
through the light, soon these eyes
between if and because
I lost who I was..
doot doo.. Darn it, when I listen to music I can't write poetry that doesn't fit to it. :P
I hate how words don't come to me now...
Silver silhouettes
of soft
slipped off shingles
cold hands, pale
my breath mingles
in the air around my face
showing form and shifting shape
drifting gentle cloud, to nothing more
as we drift ashore
from conscious to dreams
reality to self
beneath my fingers,
pool endless wealth
of warmth and life
to give day and night
to soft closed eyes
of far dreamless sleeps
I stare up
count translucent sheep
but my eyes reach to dark
and in dark they stay
wish another place,
another way
and ask what soon
is the price I'll pay
for these nights
of little sleep
sitting awake,
counting sheep
and wondering how you are
are you awake, are you far
does my heart please you
or is it forever untrue
please believe me now....
I cannot say why or how
but please.. believe me now
Another dream,
I've forgotten what
were you in it,
as in my thoughts
a flickering film
shifts start and stop
in my mind
they spill and slosh
to another wakening
daylight's call
and away it goes
not there at all
the faintest memory
of fading familiar
days of past
and fairy tales, dimmer
as the sun melts
away my sleep...
I dash to grab,
before it seeps
away from my eager head
so I go back to bed
in hopes of another dream..
Awakened by more unfriendly
I curl up deep and tenderly
for another shine shift
your smile, soft dripped
to linger in my mind...
Never to be mine..
Hold close to teddies,
more pillows and sheets
Wishing you close,
curl up my feet
But warmth isn't given
and of arms it is ridden..
Nothing holds back
and a body it lacks
nothing solid between arms
to hold close, keep calm
to fall asleep once more
in the comfort till dawn..
Oh how long, sleepless dreamer..
how long would you sleep
to believe you alive
and to get what you seek
and how long will tears flood
them to eyes, as veins to blood
to warm face, in what is cold
heart beats warm, as it's sold..
And how long, sleepless dreamer..
will you lie awake again
waiting for something
that you'd hope fate would send
How long sleepless dreamer,
will you lie awake in doubt
holding in thoughts,
unable to get out
of a dream-filled life
and what you believe harsh truth
holding onto daydreams
while it's what you're going to lose?
Shift slowly rise
through the light, soon these eyes
between if and because
I lost who I was..
doot doo.. Darn it, when I listen to music I can't write poetry that doesn't fit to it. :P
I hate how words don't come to me now...
Silver silhouettes
of soft
slipped off shingles
cold hands, pale
my breath mingles
in the air around my face
showing form and shifting shape
drifting gentle cloud, to nothing more
as we drift ashore
from conscious to dreams
reality to self
beneath my fingers,
pool endless wealth
of warmth and life
to give day and night
to soft closed eyes
of far dreamless sleeps
I stare up
count translucent sheep
but my eyes reach to dark
and in dark they stay
wish another place,
another way
and ask what soon
is the price I'll pay
for these nights
of little sleep
sitting awake,
counting sheep
and wondering how you are
are you awake, are you far
does my heart please you
or is it forever untrue
please believe me now....
I cannot say why or how
but please.. believe me now
Another dream,
I've forgotten what
were you in it,
as in my thoughts
a flickering film
shifts start and stop
in my mind
they spill and slosh
to another wakening
daylight's call
and away it goes
not there at all
the faintest memory
of fading familiar
days of past
and fairy tales, dimmer
as the sun melts
away my sleep...
I dash to grab,
before it seeps
away from my eager head
so I go back to bed
in hopes of another dream..
Awakened by more unfriendly
I curl up deep and tenderly
for another shine shift
your smile, soft dripped
to linger in my mind...
Never to be mine..
Hold close to teddies,
more pillows and sheets
Wishing you close,
curl up my feet
But warmth isn't given
and of arms it is ridden..
Nothing holds back
and a body it lacks
nothing solid between arms
to hold close, keep calm
to fall asleep once more
in the comfort till dawn..
Oh how long, sleepless dreamer..
how long would you sleep
to believe you alive
and to get what you seek
and how long will tears flood
them to eyes, as veins to blood
to warm face, in what is cold
heart beats warm, as it's sold..
And how long, sleepless dreamer..
will you lie awake again
waiting for something
that you'd hope fate would send
How long sleepless dreamer,
will you lie awake in doubt
holding in thoughts,
unable to get out
of a dream-filled life
and what you believe harsh truth
holding onto daydreams
while it's what you're going to lose?
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Mm..
I talked to Zandry today.......
I guess I shouldn't be talking to him too much.. I couldn't help it today though. I shouldn't too much more, because
such only reminds me how much I'm going to miss him.. What about him I'll miss, everything.. *sigh*
I shouldn't linger much on it all.. I really shouldn't..
Because, if he does happen to pick me, I have all the time in the world. If not, these are the last days. And though I want to take hold of the last days to talk to him, it'll only make it hurt so much more.
I'll try not to hope.. No, I won't. He's not going to choose me. I'll be okay. I don't want the shock.. So I'll expect it.
This is going to suck...
I guess I shouldn't be talking to him too much.. I couldn't help it today though. I shouldn't too much more, because
such only reminds me how much I'm going to miss him.. What about him I'll miss, everything.. *sigh*
I shouldn't linger much on it all.. I really shouldn't..
Because, if he does happen to pick me, I have all the time in the world. If not, these are the last days. And though I want to take hold of the last days to talk to him, it'll only make it hurt so much more.
I'll try not to hope.. No, I won't. He's not going to choose me. I'll be okay. I don't want the shock.. So I'll expect it.
This is going to suck...
Well
Things are looking up a bit, but homework is slow and I have a lot to worry about even still..
I'll probably make up those two runs I missed by walking around Green Lake a few times. I can bring my camera and take pictures too...
I'm warming my hands over the short lamp sitting on the table thingie.. My hands are freezing. Trying to slowly do my math and keeping an eye on the time as I procrastinate 'just a bit' to tell you what's up.
It snowed today. Not enough to stick on the sidewalk, but it did cover the grass and the rooftops. Was nice, I hope it snows again later enough to cover the sidewalk.. Because I want school to be cancelled. :P
I had a lot of rest today so I should do alright tomorrow.. I think.
I just wanna drink something warm and sit next to the fire, and fall asleep...
With someone. Shh shh, no thinking. Nope. Can't think romantic, it doesn't help. Because those thoughts are lies which will disappoint. And everyone knows who I'd want to be next to the fire with.
--
Hands, freeeezing.. Wish there were gloves that were easy to write with.. Like a skin-tight layer of something that keeps in the heat. If only plastic-wrap would work, haha.
Anyways.. When was winter break? I don't remember.. I hope soon enough.. A week or two more.....?
I'll probably make up those two runs I missed by walking around Green Lake a few times. I can bring my camera and take pictures too...
I'm warming my hands over the short lamp sitting on the table thingie.. My hands are freezing. Trying to slowly do my math and keeping an eye on the time as I procrastinate 'just a bit' to tell you what's up.
It snowed today. Not enough to stick on the sidewalk, but it did cover the grass and the rooftops. Was nice, I hope it snows again later enough to cover the sidewalk.. Because I want school to be cancelled. :P
I had a lot of rest today so I should do alright tomorrow.. I think.
I just wanna drink something warm and sit next to the fire, and fall asleep...
With someone. Shh shh, no thinking. Nope. Can't think romantic, it doesn't help. Because those thoughts are lies which will disappoint. And everyone knows who I'd want to be next to the fire with.
--
Hands, freeeezing.. Wish there were gloves that were easy to write with.. Like a skin-tight layer of something that keeps in the heat. If only plastic-wrap would work, haha.
Anyways.. When was winter break? I don't remember.. I hope soon enough.. A week or two more.....?
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