-Wild Mood Swings-

Here you go:

2011-03-19T07:07:00.001-07:00

Me now.

http://retracing-my-steps.blogspot.com/

-ATTENTION to my friends, and all who read...-

2006-01-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

Hi.

This will be my very last entry on this blog. ...
I will not delete it, as it's filled with memories of love heartbreak love and many wild mood swings and breakdowns that I'll laugh at in future times. Either that or it'll tell me how my teen years were, which I'll show to my little girl I may adopt someday? Who knows. But preserving my past and memories is very important to me.

Now, please note this.

If you still want to read my blog, or if you'd bookmarked it or enjoy looking at my random ramblings..
EMAIL ME!

Because.. This is not the end. I'm going to continue all this, somewhere else.

Why? Privacy. I have this linked too many places, and I have too many peeping relatives.
Mom stops me from writing about certain things for this reason, which I refuse to do..
This is my life, I can write about my life, and I refuse to hold anything back from anyone. I have no secrets.

Love you all, thank you for reading. Again, if you wish to continue reading, email me... Or a fan emaill, which I highly doubt, but if that ever happened, it'd crack me up.
My email is this-

goldengirl12@comcast.net

I've had that email since I was 12, don't think I'll be changing it ever, too many long lost friends have it, want to be able to be contacted.

Hugs to everyone, thanks to all who ever commented, especially Elizabeth for those comments on my lower days.

P.S. Relatives, why don't you ask me how I am instead of eavesdropping? It's not like I wouldn't email you. And this blog has little to do with how I really am, it's more observations of my life and all around me, and moody days..

With that, I bid you all, ex 'boyfriends', ex friends, ex aquaintences, relatives, friends, my love Weston, and strangers... A fond farewell.

Zuu...

2006-01-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired these days. Take a nap everyday after school, sleep three hours, still is tired, do homework, sleep and wake up at 4:30 AM..
School is a bother. Takes a whole lot of energy. Quite bleh.
At least missing my bf gives me an excuse to be all cheesy romantic with him all the time when I do talk to him. Woot.
He'll be getting a night-shift job sometime soon to save up for his adventure, may not be able to talk to him as much. Pity.
But because of the delay of his adventure, I will indeed be seeing him in February for my birthday. That'll be fun. First time to see him.. I'm tired right now so I can't express my excitement for that, as my exhaustion takes over any enthusiasm at the overwhelming idea of how soon this is and all we'll do. Day before yesterday we had fun talking of that.
-

Haha aw...-wraps his arms around you, keeping you close- I'm sorry I can't be there
you will be soon enough :P
-nod- Yup and then you can hug me and kiss me and never let go if you don't want to :P
a good hour XDD
Haha
and we're a couple, whoooo o__o
lol noooo, really? XD
we're a couple I'm a part of o__o (that sounds really odd) XDDD
-Shakes head and laughs-
*laughing* we'll be that cute couple you see wandering around looking cute XD or weird
Or both
It's so much fun to be in love with someone as dorky as me ^___^
lol, it's a new one, I've never even dated someone who liked to act dorky
haha, amazing
But I've also never dated myself :P
I wonder if I'll be what you expect >__>
I'm sure you will be
then describe how I'll be? XD
From what it seems is at first you'll be shy and quiet and as time goes on you'll be giddy and dorky, you'll be a shy-er version of the person you are now, not to mention random as hell as time goes on :P
*nod nod* correct XD
I have no concerns of not liking you in person :)
--

Blah blah. :P I talk to him everyday course.
I'm so so so tired. Soore too. Running again tomorrow for weight training..

Relief

2006-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

Mmm...

About two days ago, Wess and I had our first fight..
I think we did a bit yesterday, or no.. I was being so very very careful and was afraid to say anything.
Today we fought a bit more. ...
----
You
Cannot
Help
My
Sleeping
Schedule
It
Is
OUT
Of
Your
Hands

would you please stop it?

And if it means THAT much to you that I get on one, I'll agree to the sleeping pills

fuck no

Yes because nothing else is going to work apparently because I always get side tracked and back onto a crap schedule
So yeah

stop. it.

The sleep thing will be taken care of

stop stop stop stop.

I'm not doing anything....my mom mentioned them to me weeks ago: "Maybe we should try sleep medication" "Yeah, I think so too"

stop talking like this.

What?

stop.

XD I'm not doing anything Tanya

you're treating me like I'm stupid.

.....

look at it, will you? you
are
talking
like
this
and
acting
like
I'm
a f
ucking
idiot

#1 - It is out of your hands

duh

#2 - I was going to go on the pills anyway
#3 - I am listening

I don't want you to

Too bad

'why should I? you're obviously wrong, I don't care what you think, your opinions don't matter, why the hell do you bother? What does it matter to you? So? You have to do this?' is this not something that hurts?

Out of all of that, the only ones I were trying to say were "Why should I?" "Why are you bothering with it?" not bluntly as you put it and "Why does it matter to you"
The rest...no

well the way you're talking to me, it's hurting me, whether you meant that or not

-Shakes head- Yeah, okay
I'm just not even going to say anything, I shouldn't even be typing this sentence...
Past two days, I type something and someone's pissed...
Lovely pattern
Sorry that I'm so FUBAR Tanya :)

what the fuck happened?
why are you suddenly defensive when I try to help, why am I hurt so easily, and why can't we work anything out without stupid shit like this happening?

Because this time the fight is between us, we're not consoleing each other for the pain other's have brought us
We're fighting for what we've said

I hate fighting..
I hate this..
----

But we finally figured out what we were both doing wrong, and stopped being so abrupt and explained..
So it's all okay now.. *sigh*
Scared me. T_T.

I think all couples have to fight at least once. Because, they have to test their boundaries, and figure out what to not do and why things go wrong sometimes, what mistakes they're making and how to balance everything. So, our first fights.
But now I know, and now he knows..
And I doubt we'll fight for quite a while, this was just a bad time. He was having a bad night and it made us fight, feeling lower than ever and what I said wasn't good to put on him at that time, though he wasn't making sense. The next days I was just kinda.. afraid of him. Afraid he'd blow up on me. Because I didn't know what was wrong and why things were going wrong..

It was especially scary for it to continue the next day.. Because I was thinking, oh shit. I don't want to lose him to this. Felt like maybe for some reason something snapped and he wouldn't be back the way he always was, and that I couldn't speak freely like I did before and that I'd always make things worse when he feels low..

"*hugs you* I'm sorry that I've let it come this far..
I just don't.. realize what I'm doing until you say it..
I'll trust you to work on it Wess.. I'll leave it alone, but I won't tip toe.. But I want you to ask me when you want anything, if you want help, please don't leave everything to yourself"

"-hugs back, holding you close- I love you okay...more than anyone or anything, no matter what you say or do, nothing will change that. Just do this differently, I want your help, I want you to be close, I don't want you to fear me because there's nothing to fear. I'm me, I'm still ME Tanya, I got mad once and I wouldn't of normally done it, it was just a mistake. -Nod- Okay, please keep it that way."
"-takes your hand- No fights, okay? The last couple of days I never want to repeat again, so I will work on everything as long as you do, -hugs-"

"okay.."

"We all have our bad days but notice that has only happened once? It's not like it happens constantly, like I said, it was a mistake because I had just had a bad day before that
If I'm feeling THAT bad again, which rarely ever happens, I will tell you if you want me to"

"okay.. as I said, jammed... and then I go and leave you be on those days if you want me to"

"See, I don't want that though because if you don't egg it on or demand things out of me like you have been...you make me so happy and you always make my worst days better. You've always made me feel better and you've always made me smile again...."

"just, please teach me how.. I'm sorry if I mess things up like I did today, just please try to tell me right away before I make things get bad.."

"Okay, I will"
----

*sigh* Thank god. More days of that stuff and I would've broken down.
I'm glad, because the last few days have just been hectic and I've been missing being gushy and close with this crap coming between us..

Well, at least now I know.. Even though things get terribly hard, we'll get through it. We got through that (which was reaaally hard on me), and it was the first fight.. so I think we can get past anything.. Because we'll learn better how to stop them from happening and how to deal with it when it comes.

And we really don't want to fight.. So yeah.. We'll do our best to never, and there aren't many reasons to but when we just forget common sense and push things on each other at bad times.

Freaked me out there, Wess. I'm glad that's over... Phew.

"But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more.. to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your door.."

2006-01-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend is going to walk more than 2,000 miles...
A six month trip, walking from South Carolina to California.. All strictly on foot.

All he'll have with him is what he can carry..

He's leaving this month or the next.....

He'll bring his cell phone, so I'm going to make him call me at least once a week..
If he dies I'll never forgive him.. Jeezus.
Walking alone for six months.. With the only possessions you bring being the ones you have on your back..... Walking down highways in all weather conditions, not being in a city and having to somehow eat...

Yeeah. I'll be sure to pound into his head that he has to stay alive and make sure I can trust him to stay with me.
He was so worried when his ex was going to go away for a month, thinking they might grow distant.. Think of how worried I am, with him gone six months!

So yeah.. When he leaves is pending.. I'll keep you updated on that.

2006-01-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

Life is a test.. a test of will, a test of strength, a test of love.
Nothing comes without effort.. Nothing is perfect, nothing is permanent..
I'm going to hang in there, best I can..
I love him. I love him more than anything.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Because when he hurts, I hurt, and I can't let myself let him feel the way he does about himself.. Yet just saying, hurts him.. So I have to fight both him and myself..
And I don't know what to do....

"all I want, all I want is to hold you.... instead I hold my breath.." (smitten, bree sharp)

"I’m standing in the push and shove
And I’m just within the rescue
Of the labour of your love
I can’t do anything but fall
A-fall, a-fall-fall-fall
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?

One chance, one shot
That’s all anybody ever got
Newborn still warm
Naked in the rush hour
Dancing in my gutter
And if you want to find me
Call me, I’ll be far from
The cars and guitars and
Everybody
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?

And I never knew before
But I feel like a child in a cold, cold war
So strong, so tough
Sitting in suburbia, waiting for the wind up
And I don’t want to dance
I just want to jump from the prison of circumstance
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?
Why do I feel like I can never find you?
Why do I feel like I’m the only survivor?
Why am I thinking of -
You and me and the labour of love?"
(labour of love, frente)

"And you know.. That I dream of your love all around me. And you know, that my love for you is extraordinary.. And it seems, that all I want is to make you happy.... And I know, that all I need is to have you near me.." (Apiary, Yum Yum)

"Starry night.. I remember the wind blew right through me.. You looked into my eyes, and said you saw my soul. Paradise.. Is only sixteen miles away from you.. When you make up your mind, let me know because I'm ready to go.. Because I've lost control of this train- I was thinking.. Because I don't know where to go... But if the wheel of chance spun in my direction.. Well then I'd think I'd know." (Train of Thought, Yum Yum)

"Tears in your eyes, and you eyes looks so tired, and the tension is raising, higher and higher. And fear in your words, and your thoughts are conspired, to tear it apart, and watch it all fall down... Not wanting to hold you down.. just wanting to hold you now.. Not wanting to hold you down.. Just wanting to hold you now.... " (Uneasy, Yum Yum)

When I can't explain with my own words, I use someone else's.

I want to make you happy.. I want to work on it, but I don't want you to suffer through it. I don't want you to feel terrible about yourself and like you're a pain, I don't want you to get upset with me.. I just want us to be happy and be able to talk about your feelings without emotions overflowing and you fighting with me.. *sigh*...
I just wish I knew how..

Scared

2006-01-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

Scared scared scared scared...
.....

I'm afraid..... ...
How do I not... How do I not..?
How..?
I fear for you and myself..
I fear for me, because it hurts.
I fear for you, because you hurt.
Oh what can I do... What do I do.. I can't do nothing, I can't I can't I can't.

How do I not hurt you.. How do I not hurt myself..?
How do I get through this.. When just speaking of it.. Just getting through it.. Just mentioning is.. God.. Why can't I think.. Forgetting words again..
Just mentioning the whole thing is.. is... is........ is. what..?
voodoo.. no.. forbidden.. no.. heresy no.. "just to mention the name of the god was----" Blank. In culture.. When saying something is forbidden or completely not allowed, that saying it comes with consequences.. Damn my tired mind.

I don't want it to all fall apart. I don't want you to blow up on me when I'm trying to help. I don't want you to forget that I'm on your side, that I just want to help you. I want you to be happy..
I don't want this to ruin everything.
Because this is the only thing... The only thing that could mess it up.
I don't want you to go.. I don't want to go.. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we won't be able to handle it, that I or you will break down and we will fall out of love. That you'll start to hate me, that I'll start to hate you, that things will go wrong.. That my stubbornness will make me hurt you.. And nothing hurts me as terribly as upsetting you.. Nothing at all..
I'm afraid to upset you for that reason. To give advice, to help you. To help you through this, to help you achieve goals, fix flaws, without taking it personally..... I want to tell you it doesn't matter without you shouting to me, I'm wrong, 'it does matter, I have to deal with it every day, whenever I look in the mirror, whenever I wake up-'....
I want to be able to speak to you...
I want to be able to not hold my tongue, to be able to tell you what I honestly feel..
To know, that you'll listen..
That you won't block me out and break down.. That you won't remember, that you won't feel like that..
God I'm fucking scared..

Just a little Crappy Poetry.

2005-12-29T03:25:00.000-08:00

*whistles*
Sugar sweet
warm heart beat
to fill the coldest days
with a smile
and for a while
my head goes in a daze
I think of you,
I know you do too
and what can I say..
Since the day I met you
I've never felt the same..

Funny how easy,
those words came from your mouth
and I can't believe
I'm no longer by myself
You came my way
and since that day
I've worn a warm smile
for the little things you do
that make my life worth-while

And despite the distant
and the worries you might have
soon we'll be smiling,
together hand in hand..
And know you're who I'm missin'
when you are away..
and it always make me laugh
when eyes alone make you stay..

I can't wait to laugh
when we cross paths
all jitter and shaky hands
but we'll both be smiling,
because we understand..
We're the same,
and how you came..
serendipity at its best..
after what was done and said
I knew that it would last

Know that when I sleep
we're underneath our tree
when I close my eyes
you're here with me
And nothing more I ever wished
than what came, a surprise
laughs and many smiles
and this pair of kindred loving eyes..
Laa la laa..

Aww Sheet

2005-12-28T04:49:00.000-08:00

Staying up this late makes me depressed o___o... Crap.
Looking at pictures of... *cough* *cough* (sorry) other people's exes also does.
Smart move Tanya, smart move.

Anyway..
Ummm.........
Oh yeah. I'm afraid to go to bed because they'll hear my footsteps and know I stayed up this late.

*sigh*

Jeezus my eyes.

I wish I had perfect skin >__>
That's always been a large annoyance of mine. It fluctuates. Most days it seems bad and some days it's okay but it's never good. It's like I'm trapped in the teen acne stage forever.. Or at least clogged pores and evil evil evil evilness. >__< I really wish I had perfect skin. If I did I wouldn't be self-conscious, look-wise.

Looks aside...

Are you suuure you're glad to have me? There's no lingering warmth of a hand as reminder, just words that warm heart and fade, needing renewal. I just don't see what it is about me that's much good, really.. Slightly crazy but kinda annoying. I see myself as a fine friend but not as lovable. I'm extremely moody and insecure, not all that interesting, too clingy and have this shitty need for attention. Really unsure and hesitant, withdrawn, afraid to try new things. I don't see all that much good that I do so I question, why, exactly, I mean so much to you? Hm.
Night time really does make you paranoid, haha. Sleepy time before I get all angsty or something weird.

2005-12-28T02:27:00.000-08:00

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently.

You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.

You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.

Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.

You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

A f-cking insane conversation of my bf~<3 and I

2005-12-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get into a mood to be.... not myself. Lose any sense and don't care, I just act retarded. Oh yayyy, a boyfriend I can be fully retarded with <3. *giggles to self* Mmhm.
Webcam.. possesses.. meeee..

First I had a huge box of chocolates.. And there was a big bow on it. I took the bow, put it on my head. Then I randomly say
"I ammm your giiift.. Use me well *has no idea*"
"Okay, I won't put you on the shelf and let you collect dust"
"You sure as hell won't" I smooch the camera.
Then I randomly hold the bow in my mouth (large bow that covers my nose and goes to my chin). And things get more retarded with every passing minute. ^__^
"The bow, it's kissing you"
"Now...hand over whatever you're on, I'd like some :D"
"is me biting a bow sexyy? XD"
"Maybe in some weird present fetish way it is but yes, no" I balance the chocolate box on my head
"-Throws pennies at it, trying to knock it over-" I put down the box and go to chewing on the ribbon that has the label on the end of it.
"Lemme guess.... There's crack on the ribbon"
"Haha *sucks on the ribbon*"
"I KNEW IT!"
"Yuuuuum.. ^__^ No."
"Tanya....the queen of drugs"
"*thinks of something perverse to say*”
"-Rolls eyes-"
"*sucks on ribbon in consolation of self*"
"You look like a dog who just found something in the yard and we said: "No, bad dog, put it back!" "
"haha and the perverse thing was----- not so perverse but perverse enough.. nooo I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you"
"You know what.... -randomly texts that sentence to Zach-"
"you're evil XD"
"-Says as he texts with his finger- "I am not sucking on a ribbon because it's crack, I'm pretending it's you" "
"I provide you with all retardedness to last you for years"
"-Chains you to the wall and uses you for retarded material- BUWAHAHA"
" *goes wtf at self* I guess because I can't make a fool of myself at any time I enjoy doing it now.."
"You know what? I still love you, even if you're insane :D"
"if you say so" I put the ribbon on my head and it stands like a sort of crown halo
"yess.. that is whyyy.. I have womenly urges to crack you up"
" You should wear that on your head and going around demanding taxes... "I AM THE QUEEN OF SEATTLE -as she points at a random person- you must PAY TO BREATH" "But I have children to feed..." "BREATHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FOOD".. Womenly urges to crack me up? The %^#%$? XD"
"XDD" I make faces
"-Tilts head- Uh-huh..."
"told you I don't make you laugh"
"I've been laughing over here, wtf are you talking about baka?"
"you didn't go 'haha' you went like, 'uhuh, whatever, you're fucking crazy', HEART IS BROKEN!"
"WELL DUUUUUUUUH But I was laughing.. When I say I'm laughing and you're like "oh suuuuure" sounds like me was saying you'd think I would know how to deal with myself by now USE YOUR HEARD BOI, MR. ALMIGHTY PUT IT THERE FOR A REASON NOT JUST TO BALANCE THINGS ON"
"*bows down, kisses feet* sorry my almighty master T__T"
"efsdjksdhlfs WRONG ALMIGHTY"
"you ARE MY GOD"
"I'm God's retarded twin brother Wessssssssy, the one they keep locked in the basement"
"whom I have affairs that are not affairs with"
"Doesn't make sense but OKAY"
"affairs are cheating but I'm not cheating”
"-Quietly steps away from the madness- Like I said... Hotel.. Lots of security. And a moat is looking good right about now"
"but I will get you and cover you in kisses before they can stop me with tasers, BWAHHHAHAHHA!"
"-Quickly loads shotgun- UH-HUH"
"NOTHING CAN STOP ME, I'M FUCKING IN LOOOVE!"
"-Loads faster, faster-"
"*talks like in the movies* Do you really think you can shoot me Wess? The only girl you truly love? Can you pull that trigger?"
"Um...Romeo oh Romeo, where art thou Romeo...?"
"you're not Juliette dumbass XD"
"BUT I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY"
"WELL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL TO ME WESS! I'LL LET YOU BE MY JULIETTE ANY TIME!"
"-Smiles proudly, patting his chest with his thumb- I'm the woman in our relationship"
"I shall protect you! *wraps arms around you cheerfully and tries to pick you up*"
"With your massive taxes and crack addiction?"
"with my muscles!"
"The day you can lift me.... is the day Hitler is found "innocent" "
"how the hell can I sweep you off your feet, woman of this relationship? "
"-Cuts his -scratches out- "her" limbs off- THERE I SHOULD WEIGH LESS NOW!"
"maybe I'll lift you for a sec and we can both fall to the ground and then I fall on top of you all sexy like o__o"
"See....aren't we so good together? Acting like a couple of effing insane escaped hippies..."
"you bring out the pervert in me, baby"
"I don't even do anything XD"
"you're there.. I see therefore I pervert"
"The hell"
"I loooooove you XD sorry but you're screwed to follow me to the padded room to make out with me"
"HA! Yeah, I love you too....psycho"
"you're screwed to be with me XD hahhahahhahhah! all the possiblities.."
"-Is scared-”
"you're screwed to be with me until I drive you insane and you break up with me and I stalk you until you die"
"That would be an interesting outcome"
"I see it as highly possible "
"Well you're retarded"
"lol, I know, but, I think that's not retarded"
"Well it's not going to happen so it is retarded"
"I don't get how you can stand the total retardness o__o"
"Jesus Shishkabob woman....-points up- did you not SEEEE the conversation we just had?!"
"umm.. I guess not?"
"I act just as retarded as you, so of course I "can stand" it"
"what if we're walking along in a park and I randomly decide to tackle you?"
"Then I'll be like "RAPE!!! RAPE!!!! GYARR!" "
"nuuu :P they'd believe it XD just put on your gay voice 'oh god! I don't want her! get her off!!'"
"-Says in gay voice- "zomg who is this female pouncing me like a tiger -growl-""
"what if I decide to pounce on you and pin you down and kiss you? o__o"
" :D Theeeeen, I will submit!"
"what if we're in public? XD"
"Then as you're kissing me I will raises my arms in the air and give two big thumbs up"
"hahhahaha XDD"
" "JACKPOOOOT!" "
"that's too funny to picture XD"
I make a freaky face
"GET THE GUN HERALD, ITS LOOSE AGAIN!"
"IT'S A FUCKING FULL MOON!"
"-Gay voice- Rawwwwr"
"satan is probably hearing that thinking.. wow." (referring to his ex-uncle)
"It's almost 3am, Satan is sleeping"
"satan is kept awake by your feminine and beautiful gay voice <3"
"XD"
We talk more, randomly.
"you have thoughts, you know inside.. you are a perv..... <3"
"Well yeah but I don't express them like you do "
"I blame the chocolate."
"Hah, looks like ze hormones have taken over "
"yup XD"
"-the tips of his fingers graze over your cheek, pushing through your hair over your ear and down onto the side of your neck---P.S- -laughs at the wink- -"
And then suddenly out of the blue we get all romantic.

Can somebody say, what the f-ck?

Just another thing I love about him <3
I can be more retarded than I ever have been in my life with him.... And it's so-much-fun...!

I'm really giddy right now, forgive me. XD

Nothing's Really Happening!

2005-12-27T12:36:00.000-08:00

Been a while. Need a life update?
For xmas (a disappointment, but ended up ookay..).. I got a new rug (pretty) to replace my ugly grey carpet. So yesterday or the day before we managed to remove the carpet out from everything and put the new one in. Yesterday I emptied out my closet and most of the rest of my room and I'm going to start over...
I was wondering where my knife was, now I know. It was in a shoebox with rolls of poetry (not my own).
Yesterday while my mom was sleeping and dad was playing video games, I randomly started taking down the tree.. Got the ornament box, took off nearly all the ornaments, took off the um.. string of colorful beads that goes around the tree.. yeeah.. (which was tied to branches, a pain).. And started taking off branches.. (fake tree, at least it looks real.....)
Mom and dad went out and bought a whole ton of plastic containers so I can organize all my stuff and store stuff in the basement....

Wess was having memory issues (remembering/lingering on bad stuff) last night, scared the shit out of me by suddenly leaving saying he was gunna go cry himself to sleep. I was just like, noooooo! >__< Because I couldn't do anything, as it was 1 AM his time I couldn't call, he was offline so I couldn't comfort him, reallllllly bothered me.
Apparently he's better now, left me a message, but he's not here and I wish he was because I miss him terribly, last three days we haven't had a lot of time to talk.....

*sigh*

Anyway, I'm babysitting a kitty cat so I'll be earning money, yaay. *yawn* Speaking of that, I should go do that huh... Yeeah.

Told You Sooo

2005-12-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

I sent Wess (bf) a locket, and a stuffed animal, and a -- oh yeah, can't say the rest. And a bunch of cool crap. But of those things the locket and stuffed animal were.. queestionable. Mainly because, one, my family was convinced on telling me that-
"he won't wear it" or "he may like it but he won't wear it" or "it's a little.. cheesy" or "it's too girly".. etc.
And a stuffed animal? Guys are.. Guys. They usually don't like that stuff.. Well, if they like it they'll deny it or they'll keep it but not enjoy it.... Anyway.. So, Wess got his package today. I was surprised when I checked my email..

He emailed me with pictures of him, one with Dobby's twin on his head (and visibly my locket around his neck) and one with him hugging it, and I was like, awwwwww..
He also left me a message on IM saying this:

I got your package. I opened it and only saw the gifts that weren't wrapped. Oh and to answer your question: "Is it too cheesy?" put it this way, I'm wearing it right now and i won't ever take it off. I haven't opened the other "questionable" gift but I saw the name of the book through the wrapping XD interesting -pokes your forehead- Oh yes, the Dobby thing made me cry, not balling with tears but my eyes swelled up. You have no idea how much Doggie meant to me, he was family to this family, he meant everything to us and that is honestly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me Tanya, it means the world to me. I'll hold onto this thing as if it were another Doggie, even if "this blessing" (as you put it in the card, which I also LOVED by the way haha) doesn't last and things go back to a friendship, I will hang onto this locket and this dog forever. Haven't seen the rest of the stuff though, except the pictures. I'm going to spoil you rotten on your birthday (although I hope me coming out and spending a week or so with you and doing stuff with you will make up for it lol) because you got me...so much XD Thank you for all of what I have seen and I can't wait to open the rest tomorrow morning I love you Tanya, from the bottom of my heart -kisses your lips softly- thank you for being so good to me, I will never leave your side.
---

Awww... <3 haha.
I was also talking to him today.. -

I'm not just being nice either, pinky promise, especially the dog, i wanted to cry ^____^ Even my mom was like: "omg....awwwwwwww!!!!!" and Reggie was like: "Dude, sexy necklace" "Tis a locket" "Oh? Open it" "-I open it-" "How CUUUUUTE!!!!!!!!1111" But yes -hugsssssss- thank you and I'm sure I'll be thanking you more tomorrow XD

Most guys would be like.. 'wtf.. stuffed animal?' and would keep the locket but hide it when they wear it or just not wear it at all, so you rule o__o

When I finished going through the stuff I turned to my mom and said: "Looks like I'll be going to Seattle for her birthday" "Ohhh yeah, you'll be kissing butt for years dear " That's dumb...I don't mind if people see me wearing a locket from my gf out of all people and I carried Doggie around EVERYWHERE, so like I care

you are like, perfect XD <33

Blush- Noooooo, I'm just toasty :D (wtf, random?)

even at 16 you carried it around? .. doggie

I've carried that thing around since I was 1. Okay, example, Freshman year finals: Carried him in my backpack and had his head hanging out

omg <3 I do that on vacation

Then EVERY SINGLE TIME we went to Disneyland I would bring him and toss him on my head

and I would carry it on my shoulder when we were camping.. now we can match and do that o__o

Haha, aw

fucking cuute XD especially in person, in seattle, haha

I know o___O we have the same stuffed animal!

we can hold hands and in the other hand both be holding the paw of our doggies XDDDD

lol XD Yes, totally. We must do that

yes. and yes you are perfect :P

Shhhh, nuuuuu -puts a candy cane in your mouth-
------

He is adoooorableee.. Absolutely adorable. I loooooove you Wess..! <3 Haha.

Morning..

2005-12-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

*yawn*...
I'll be practicing guitar all day, or as long as I can stand it.
Mom forgot to cancel my lesson today, Christmas Eve, but I guess it's fine so I'll go with it. But I wanna have more chords memorized and practice singing Halah and all that.. Also the new song I learned.
I'll practice at least two hours today.
Catch you guys later, happy holidays..

Sigh

2005-12-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if I scared anyone.. I'm okay now..
Just last night.. Craziness. I'm still upset over all the thoughts and things that are just... Coming back and bothering me, but I'm not sad.

I had a nice dream last night.. Which is odd considering how bad I felt. I dreamt Wess was here.. for quite a long time. And it felt very real, I had senses and it stayed all the same story. I saw him coming home to his house in Seattle, I waved to him and smiled, and he came to my house to visit. I showed him my room and stuff and hugged him, I could feel it. I don't think he spoke anytime in the dream but we wandered around, held hands, and I stayed close to him...
--

"-Laughs- Even if you become insane and lose your mind and wind up in a straight jacket, popping pills in a padded room while rocking back and forth.....I would still be by your side and take care of you until the day you pass away"

*laughing* Alriight Wess, haha...
Thank goodness there's one out there for me....

Malicious Shadow.

2005-12-23T06:20:00.000-08:00

Why you still read this is beyond me, Malicious.
What-ever-I-dont'-care-anymore.
Of course I mourn for the stupidity of us both, you for not being more clear and heeding at the beginning to my plea of, never, ever, let me love you when you know it's not gunna go anywhere. I told you the first day, I told you clearly and you knew this. And it was far too long.
Don't tell me you'll hold my hand, don't tell me that you think I'm pretty, don't throw your words away on just another passing face whom you cared for but never meant to truly become close to nor stay with. Don't sneak kisses don't tell me how we'd watch stars, I can't believe you did that when it was truly nothing.
As I said, I am a stepping stone of your life, and you were lying to deny such.
Do you think it always works like magic, to go to the other one you talk to and suddenly you're in love? I got lucky. You were just looking to shove me away and I didn't understand. Sweet words go sour when you don't follow through. Promises go dry as they expire.

Wess was odd, a sense of humor that took some adjusting (profanity sarcasm and sex), as I wasn't used to such. He wasn't single and I wasn't even considering ever being with him. Until I found he meant more to me than I knew. I had no idea. It was chance fate and luck. I believe that things along the way lead me to where I am now. I do thank you for the fun times we had, but I wish it hadn't been so sour. I thank everyone who hurt me, everyone who broke me, because I learn from them how to cope, I learn how to deal, I learn what I did wrong and I never do it again. And if you hadn't been hurting me I wouldn't have asked for help and I wouldn't have spoken to Wess as much as I did.

This is not a good night for me, boy. I'm remembering who hurt me and all that hurt me. I'm remembering abuse and I'm remembering pain and crying and every night I wanted to die. I'm remembering wanting so bad to not be alone that I wanted to die so when I watched from above I'd see them cry over me, so I'd know they care. I remember saying, I would lose my legs if only someone cared enough to stay with me always and help me. There was no one ever. I was alone and I was lonely and no one spent any time with me.
I'm from a childhood of love but only from my family. You allowed me to attach to you, that was a mistake... But I don't blame you as you didn't seem to know better, that I can't listen, I can't leave, because I need to not be alone.

I'm sad but I have people to help me, now.. And I don't have to wonder when they're coming home and if they really care and why they don't tell me and why can't they say I love you and will they be hurt and why won't he ever return hugs.
You didn't love me, so I wish you would've been a true friend and blocked me and stayed away from me, so you wouldn't hurt me. You acted like you loved me, I hate that. That wasn't right.

You still haunt me because I saw what you wrote, which means you plague my mind still. I guess it's an unbroken habit.. I can never ignore those who were around for so long. I still look at every single damned thing, every poem you don't write and every drawing he does and what he writes and if he's bitching about his girlfriend (whom appears isn't his girlfriend) and if you're okay, or if you show any sign of life. I still care. And that sucks. I care but I do not like you. You were nice but you're fucking retarded and I can't believe you. Writing romantic shit and acting like I meant something, Jesus Christ child, You have a girl you love, would you stop cheating on her? Stay the fuck away from those other girls you brat.

You can at least learn from mistakes. I hope you do.
Live on and live happily. I'm unhappy now but I'll be okay. This is just another sleepless night where everyone hurts me at once and I wanna cry. Night screws with your mind and you feel like everything is against you and you feel like the things that went wrong are overwhelming...
I hate you but I don't. I hate what you did. You shouldn't have done that, Zandry. You really shouldn't have. That was bad. You have no reason to be stealing hearts and talking everyday to girls whom you have no interest in being with. What else would I think.. When you do that.... You refuse to tell me the truth and lead me on, believing you're not hurting me when really you're just hurting me more, putting it off for the future when it all piles up.

I liked you a lot, but I will never ever ever speak to you again. You, I cannot, accept as a friend. You are forgiven, but you will never be a part of my life again. You will never hear a word directly and you will be a memory of mine. Another naive hope in my diary. And there you stay.
Make up for what you did, be with her and make her happy, make someone happy and never betray. Please say you can at least do that for people you love.

About Earlier Today

2005-12-23T05:27:00.000-08:00

Today I was really upset... My older brother was just... Being his same old asshole self... *sigh*
I locked myself in my room for three hours.. Fumed to myself for ten minutes, sulked for twenty, slept most the rest.. I refused to open the door. I only opened it when Carson (the only person I can't seem to really hold a grudge at) knocked on the door with pizza. When I opened the door her gave me it and said he hoped I was feeling better, so I said "happy birthday, love ya kid" before I closed the door again.

I don't want you home for Christmas. Because you tend to make me only sad, and though I laugh with you, there are days when I wish I could strangle you.

When I went to my room.. It scares me a bit that all that went through my head is... "I want my knife.. Where's my knife.. Where's my fucking knife..."
I hate pain, I would never cut myself or commit suicide, because I have people who love me and pain is no release for me. But something's calming about a sharp blade by my side, so I can at least threaten to hurt myself if I need to, or freak them out if they dare enter my room or try to unlock it.
I couldn't find the knife.. Which was odd. I have it next to my bed, on the shelf near the teddies and all my random childish things. Funny how that is. It's a neat little dagger in its little leather sheath. I wonder if mom was scared, or if my dad saw the pictures.. Could've. They used my camera without my permission, and on that card I had some pictures that would disturb them a good amount. When I'm sad I do things, nothing that would harm me but things to express how I'm feeling. If that includes holding a knife to my neck, then I do it.

My brother mocks me for all I do, because he can't understand. He probably sees me as a coward, and he calls me an idiot frequently. He used to hurt me and so I sometimes wish to hurt him, but nothing can really equal the bulk of emotional pain he's inflicted upon me. Years. Years of his shit.
You have a side to you.. A side that comes out and that you take out on me. You always have.

Go to a fucking psychiatrist Alex. You have more disorders than I, and don't try to hide it. You feel like you don't belong, people stress you out, you're over-aware of everything, you think you're better and feel nothing even close to 'love'. I almost see you as inhuman sometimes.. You don't understand me when I say I'm in love, you're upset that I have a boyfriend, you never leave me alone. You want to control my life..... You want to control everything and punish me. Do you not think you're fucked up?

He claims he reads this blog. I don't give a flying fuck... Mom said Nana does sometimes too, told me to watch what I say. Well they can know the effin harsh truth if they want, I don't care. This is my life, it has it's hard times, and don't pretend they don't happen.

Count how many times you inflicted things by force, bro. The number of times you told mom she was raising me wrong, convinced her to be a bad parent, that I don't respect her, that I don't listen. COUNT the number of times you'd drag me downstairs by the wrist and make me go to bed. The times you blocked my path, dragged me to my room. The number of times I tried to hit you, told you to fuck off, cried because I missed when you were more good than bad. It started when I was.. Ten? At ten I realized, he wasn't who he used to be. I would ask my mom, why can't it be like it used to be..? Us having fun and smiling together..
I love my mom, I respect her, and she's one I trust very much...
Don't tell her things like that.
Don't tell her Wess drinks as if he's an alcoholic. Don't say he's bad for me like you'd know. WHY does it matter to you whether he hurts me or not? You hurt me all the time! He makes me happier than anyone ever has, I smile and laugh and you know it. You make me cry and you pull my hair, you make me 'respect' and you punish me like an abusive husband would screw with her mind. You. Fucking. Bastard.

You didn't get me a Christmas present this year because everything I said I wanted you didn't want to waste your money on.

You call me emo when I'm sad, you called me fat for months, you mock me for every guy I ever liked, you laugh at me when I print out their picture, you refuse to walk me to my room when I'm scared, you left me on the staircase too afraid to move, you laugh off everything you do to me, you say your sorry and I'll never accept it, you hug me as if you care, mom is convinced that you do and you control her, you make her hate me and you make her think I'm a useless pointless waste of space time and life. You --- you did more. What the fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yet I always seem to forgive you tomorrow, when all the cruelty from your eyes and words evaporate and you once again, pretend to be my brother.

A Love Story

2005-12-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

I was gunna post this in the forums because I wanted to ask for everyone's stories about cute moments with the one they love.. So I started talking about mine, and I got going, so I may shorten it and then post it, because I love love stories. Anyway, here's mine, you really don't have to read it, it's so long.
----

I think I may as well share my story about me and my boyfriend... I'm tired so sorry if I'm a little choppy on the story.
We've been together.. about two weeks now (haha) so it was quite recent, though it feels like we've been together a lot longer.. Feels so because we've been there for each other a long time. Story is, we were both in love with people who were bad for us... We're both very easily attached and both hopelessly romantic.. so we were both having a really hard time with the ones we loved. He was a lot worse off than me, I think.. I was in love with someone who cared about me but didn't love me, he was in love with someone else (and failed to make this clear) so I was already really attached to his company and his open mind to all the weird things I like and do, as I'm kinda unappreciated and fairly alone. He acted all lovey towards me although he knew he'd never go anywhere with me. Really felt betrayed.. I grew wary when he never said I love you and when he seemed too attached to his best friend, and with that came the awkwardness and my need to finally leave him.
Weston (my boyfriend) was in love with a girl who had serious lying problems. She was very hard to trust (flirted with guys, showed off her breast size, was immature and irresponsible) and would get upset that Wess wouldn't trust her. Wess has a whole lot of trouble trusting anyone, and I understand the feeling because I'm the same... He and the one he loved would fight a LOT. But they loved each other so much, Wess didn't want to leave. Well he wanted to but he felt he couldn't, and liked the good sides of her.
I didn't love Wess at the time but we were close friends who could trust each other. He was afraid and didn't know what to do, she was going to go on a trip soon and he wasn't sure if they'd last, and was hurting over it all.. Fights, her immaturity, her changing into a bit of an attention her, and being torn between love and dislike.
So, I offered my support at all times. I hated to see him hurt like that so I always offered help, advice, and just a shoulder to cry on if necessary... He cried a lot those days. It was really sad to watch, and I would do my best to make him feel better, but at the same be honest with him, which is what he wanted anyway.
I wasn't the only one who disliked this girl.... All of Wess' friends referred to her as 'the bitch' and weren't happy that he was with her, though as friends they tried not to be too mean about it.
Wess would also help me out when I was sad, which wasn't as much, as I never fought with the one I loved. But it was still a thing of denial and much hurt.
One time he found out she completely lied to his face. He tried to break up with her... But he couldn't handle completely erasing her, so he told me he was going to talk to her but not let her use him again..
For some reason, I just completely broke down when he told me this. I threw a huuuge fit about it, crying and everything... At the time, I actually didn't have any feelings for him. I was just his friend whom he could trust... I didn't know why I was so freaked out, but I was. Wess was bewildered and worried about me because I'd never done this before. He asked why I was, I said I didn't know, but something about "Why do they always win? The sweet people get used and they can't leave, while perfectly good girls out there get ignored because the sweet ones are too busy going for terrible people.. I don't want you to do that.. It's not fair.....! Why can't you just leave her?? She was horrible to you, you fight you cry and I hate seeing you suffer like this!"
I eventually calmed down and just decided.. I'll support Wess no matter what he does, because that's what real friends do. Help him through it, no matter how wrong I think it is, if I can't change his mind I'll at least help him when things go wrong.
He asked me some weeks later.. How do I leave. I want to leave but I can't. I told him simple things. Erase her from your list, set her emails as junk mail, remove her from a friend and block her. He nodded and went through with it..
He was upset over it for a while.. But he was happy to be over it.
That day I thought for a second, asked, we should be best friends, jeez we've been great friends and we can trust each other with anything. I asked because I was thinking, maybe he already has someone whom he calls his best friend. But he laughed and agreed.
That night, I got to thinking.... I really feel attached to Wess... And we were both taken for so long, and that's the only reason I didn't consider being with him really.. And we are sooo similar.. I decided, oooh what the hell.. I'm going to ask if he wants to be my boyfriend. He's sweet, kind, paranoid and clingy like me, and has a great humor.. So I decided to ask him the next morning, two days after he broke up with the other girl and about five days since I stopped talking to the one I had loved.
I talked to him at 6:00 AM (he's three hours time difference)... And finally spit it out after some delay, saying how awkward it would be. "This'll be even more awkward than when we gush" (we are both shy and as that we aren't together, gushing was rare).. When I asked him, he was just like "o__o".. Then he types for a long time (yes this is long distance, please don't consider this factor because it's too stereotypical if you assume things from just that).. And I'm just freaking out because I have no idea what's gunna happen.
Just freaking in my head, "he must think I'm crazy!!" But he says this:

"-You really are everything I'd like for a girl to be, like the way you think and act, your honesty, your friendship, you aren't immature, you care about other's feelings and want to help people. It is irony, or coincidence, or something...I'll admit over the past few weeks I've grown some feelings for you but of course I wasn't about to admit anything along those lines due to --(her) and ----(him). And again..honestly...I would like to try a relationship with you. My only worries are: 1) Would things change? 2) Would be just be rebound or fall backs from ---(him) and --- (her)? Do you believe me to be, in your eyes, better for you than --- (him)? (yeah, awkward indeed)" Me: "I think you are better for me.. I'm not saying for sure we're awesome for each other, but I know you're better for me at least.. because seriously, we have a lot more of a humor and a nice feeling between us, trust and all." Him: "-Nod- We do, it's something I never want to lose with you" Me: "heh, I won't.. I don't really change. you're really sweet too, and a great writer, which is awesome" Him: "And, to go back to the subject at hand...I think you're better for me than ---(her) ever was. Haha, you're really sweet too Tanya, very. You take good photography, I'll give you that hehe. You're very artistic, which I like a lot"
Then he speaks over the little worries, saying he wouldn't want to lose me too. Then we go back to considering..
Him: "Heh...I was downstairs last night thinking about this. Was heating up soup (only food I've had in 24 hours, -dies-) and I was thinking about her and I thought to myself: "I wonder how Tanya is holding up with the whole ---(him)- thing" and I got to thinking about this :P Like we were dropped into place or something.."
I then remember something he left as a comment on one of my pages once... And quoted what he said.
"We're crazy as hell
We're smartasses
Our sarcasm is professional and abused
We're hopeless romantics
We can't have the one we love
We hate teenagers even though we are one
We think alocohol and drugs are dumb
We think cool kids are dumb
We think labeling yourself is dumb
We like anime
We like really fucked up international songs (i.e. Moskau, My Omelette)
We think decorations are cool
We've both had more long distant relationships than normal ones
We both have unique religious standpoints
We both like horror (even though you didn't see Saw II, loser)
We both hate the world
We both agree on the terms of love
We....I ran out of things :P"
That was when we were friends for only a while, and already we had found a lot of little connections...
"We do have a lot in common." "-Laughs- I remember that!"
Me: "I just think, if I can be grooving and laughing to "kiss me deadly" with you and have interesting convos everyday and be really close, why not? We're both single now :P We can help each other move on." Him: "Hahaha, indeed, we are...as always -.- Tanya...I really would like that, I don't see how it couldn't work, I'm sure we'd be great together, I don't believe things would change between us and I believe you when you say even if it doesn't work out we'd go back to being like this...heh, yeah...it seems almost meant to be in a way.. What about those 8-9 days left or whatever? Last night you were still so hung up over that"
Me: "I gave up on him, I just left a message
'you know what? You can have ---(girl whom he was in love with) I'm done waiting for you, and irony is, I want to be with Weston. He's so much better for me and the day in the airport you know I wished for, it'll be happening, he's coming to Seattle. So be relieved, be with ---(her). Bye.' (it was longer but like that)"
Him: "-Laughs and smiles and giggles at the same time-" "Me: is that possible? o__o" Him: "Not sure, just tried it, somehow my voice squeaked" Me: "Isn't it funny... That your mom walked by and said "she's cute, why not her?" XDD" (at the time I was on webcam) Him: I was about to say: "Your brother teased you about me for all the right reasons apparently" Me: "it's so cool that you were actually planning on coming here too.. and maybe moving here.. just an awesome coincidence" Him: "-Nod- Seattle has always been a target place for me to live for a while, the rain and gloom and high suicide rate and all ;P" Me: "oh, did you knooow- weird to say now even so, but whatever... I've never been kissed, never held a guys hand, only hugged a guy once on my bday?" Him: "Mmmhmm, you've told me that before.. -Nods- I want to Tanya, I want to give it a shot..."
Him: "Haha, nah...but...so....I take it we're now not single anymore? -Nod- It'll be a lot of help and yes, I will always be there for you too" Me: "we're almost not single" Him: " -Laughs- You know how I feel about that, I consider myself not single, internet relationship or not. If we're really going to give this a shot I'm going to consider it a real relationship, you'll be my girlfriend (that sounds so weird) and I would be faithful. I'm not ---(her) for christ's sake" Me: "haha, that's good and jeesh, we're both clingy and paranoid, so it works XD" Him: "XD Indeed" Me: "and we don't have to worry, it's nice. I don't flirt with guys, I don't even really know any" Him: "Haha, I don't flirt with girls because they scare me" Me: "I scare you? XD" Him: "No but I could never flirt really...I'm always like "duh duh duh duh words me make can't" " Me: "you don't really have to try, when you flirt, it's just like, hinting stuff, laughing, etc.. eventually you'll see the coy side of me, which will be interesting" Him: "You have a coy side? XD" Me: "very much so o__o" Him: "Hot damn, that'll be interesting indeed" Me: "haha"
Me: "I also found it funny that our song involves kissing ;P" Him: "KISS ME ONCE" Me: "KISS ME TWICE!" Him: "COME ON PRETTY BABY" Me: "KISS ME DEAADLY!" Him: "Weeeee"
Him: "Yes, yay, it's offical, yes, no, maybe, bacon?" Me: "well *think* we haven't met but it's sure close enough" Him: "-Nod- As offical as an online relationship can get" Me: "Yeah." Him: "Haha :P" Me: "best friend, LEVEL UP!" Him: "lol Oh lord XD -Laughing-" Me: "in one day you go from best friend to boyfriend :P" Him: "COINCIDENCE IM PLAYING FFXI :P -hears the "level up" music in his head-"
I go to school, and then come home..
Me: "all day in my head I was going 'omg omg, I have a boyfriend! Haha, suckers, I'm taken!!' XDD" Him: "lol! I told a few people, whoever was on haha. I have to show you this though, hang on" Me: "Mmkay, hehe ^__^"
Him: (I sent Anita our convo and: )
Her- AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
So are you an item or what :D
Him- -Nod- Yes
Her- WOOWOOO XD I like this girl better than --(her) already <_< >_> :D.. *Stamp "
Me: "haha" Him: "I told my mother: "I'm not single anymore" "....please....not --(her)..." "no, it's Tanya" "Oh thank god" " Me: "go me XD" Him: "Yes, go you haha" Me: "would you have ever asked? like, I asked if we should like, hook up, but would you have?" Him: " -Nod- Well...I still thought you wanted to wait for ---(him)'s answer, so I was kind of waiting on that. "Meh, if he says yes, forget it. If he says no, I'll wait a while and then say something" " Me: "See, aren't you glad you left ---(her)?" Him: "Yes, very. She even called today and I hung up on her the second I saw the number and she's been attempting to harass me and I'm still like "Weeeee, I'm with Tanya" " Me: "haha" Him: ":) :P -hugs- yeah, i get to be mushy with you now, get used to it HAH" Me: "hehe, yay. yeah, this was totally meant to be XD" Him: "Duh." Me: (quoting an old convo) " "it's so hard to find guys like that though" "you'll fine them" RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!" Him: "Haha, who knew I was talking about myself. That has got to like break some laws of nature or something" Me: "and maybe that's why I had that mental breakdown when you went back to --(her)? :P something just went HELL NO!" Him: "Yeah, I was like 'Wtf!' XD"
Me: "you know that 'warm fuzzy feeling'? the melting inside one" Him: "Yessir, the warm fuzzy feeling, where your heart seems to beat abnormally and you feel like you're just melting away and nothing can ruin how happy you are?" Me: "haha, yes, I've got it" Him: "Ditto sista." Me: "I haven't been so happy in a long while, it's just sort of the twirly feeling, you wanna dance around and look at the sky and stuff like that XD" Him: "Neither have I, I've missed smiling and having a reason to smile instead of having to like force it"
We talk and go into other conversations.. Him: "Alright, bedtime for bonzo -hugs you tight- :) you're mine, hehe" "hehe *hug* night night"
His away message that night was "-Smiles- Soooo happy :D -Skips to bed like a schoolgirl-" which cracked me up.

This was the start of the most awesome relationship I've ever had.. Though I've only had a few, guys like him are very rare. We're the same in nearly all ways, have never fought (except for poking fun at each other) and no real conflicts seem to be heading our way. I or him call each other every now and then.. I love his voice, especially when he whispers.. And I love how he'll randomly go "Hey.." and I'll be like "mm?" and he says "I love you Tanya.." Never fails to make me grin. He's just such a sweetheart and is so very amusing and lovable. He cracks me up so much when we're on the phone, he has an awesome sense of humor. Also, he used to dye his hair too, and is daring and likes to be random/retarded in public just as I do. He tells me funny stories all the time about things he and friends did, such as.. The one time Wess and a friend was in Disneyland and when they were in line, he literally just randomly clenched his fists and screamed, walking away. His friend then said "Your mother will hear of this!!!" and he left too. Total random. He says, he's really shy but in public he's fine, as that he'll never see those people again. He's the type of guy who likes to lay in the grass and look at the sky, is romantic and very sweet. We're so so so similar.. He doesn't mind my social anxiety and doesn't mind that I'm a total wimp at everything, and is always kind to me. I love him and wouldn't give him up for anything, not a million bucks, not a billion, nothing.
We plan on being total dorks together and doing weird things. Skipping down the sidewalk together, holding hands, randomly breaking into song, carrying around a boombox playing 'our' songs (XD!), kissing in the middle of anywhere, playing pranks, him pushing me around in a shopping cart, him carrying me on his shoulders as I wear the box on my head which has the "X___x" face drawn thickly in black marker on it, going out together fully in PJ's..
Watching the sun go down, dancing and grooving to ska music, staying up all night, watching horror movies and when I get freaked out- "I'd piggy back ride you to your room and put you in bed and lay next to you until you fell asleep", cuddling..
And what's really really cute is, when we meet.. It'll just be so funny and would be adorable to watch. Thing is, we'll both be a nervous wreck! He'll be scared all the plane ride, I'll be freaking out while waiting.. My hands will be spazzing out and I'll get that heart-in-throat feeling... And when we meet, we'll both be shaking, stuttering, and blushing.. And we'll hug and laugh because we're both so shy and nervous..
"so you get jittery too huh?" "si" "good, I don't want to be like that alone XD *stutter stutter blush stutter shake*" "-Laughs- Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Well at least I'll have the whole plane ride to freak out...then again, once I see you I'll probably freak out more" "do you shake in public or no?" "no, never have" "lucky. I get nervous with people around me because I get the same 'watch my every move' feeling" "Wellll, how about I keep my arms wrapped around you or keep you close or something, squeeze you until you stop shaking -laughs-" "that'd be good :P"
We're such a cute couple, it's so funny..
We keep on finding funny things we have in common.. We both have had a dog stuffed animal since we were born, we have similar handwritings, we both love to write, we're both dorks, we both like to walk, both love hot chocolate, our favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, we both worry about something grabbing our ankles from under the bed, we're both afraid of heights, we both stay up late, we both love video games, we both love music, we both collect weird things, we both love anime, we both are interested in Japan and its culture, we both are shy as hell, we both like to laugh and joke around, we both don't have many friends.. It's just an endless list that keeps being added to.
We're both very mushy with each other and love to be. Never gets old. We loove each other and have endless trust towards each other. Despite distance I have no worries about our relationship nor cheating, as he's very committed and paranoid himself. He's more worried about me leaving him.. As he's not the cutest guy and I'm apparently pretty.. But I don't give a damn about that stuff. He's afraid I won't like him once we really meet..

"-Sighs- Just typical reasons, I'm not a everyday average person, I'm not majorly outgoing, I'm not talkative, I don't like to be super active like do sports or go out and do shit, I'm a nerd (to a point) I guess like a movie/gaming nerd, I don't like to be social with their friends, I'm overweight and like "oooo" looking, and i didn't mean like specific girls...just girls in a whole. It's why I told you to not worry about me ever being flirted with, cause it doesn't happen and when it does, apparently I don't notice it. Girls aren't drawn to me...at all XD (losing his train of thought because TV is on and he's tired XD) Why does it matter? >< you could tell me whatever you want and it won't help me not worry....the only way I won't worry is when we meet and I see what happens. Pessimism + Paranoia + No Self-Esteem = It's own little world of ARGH"

As long as he holds me tight and is always there, as long as he loves me too, I couldn't even consider leaving.. No one's ever cared about me as much as he does.. No one's ever said I love you like that and meant it. I feel such a strong connection with him, and I feel this is true love. He makes me so happy, as I make him, we talk everyday and every conversation is interesting. We both have something to talk about, it's not just one or the other blabbing..
I can be a really lonely person, and I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'm glad I found him..
I plan on keeping this relationship as long as it lasts, and I hope forever.

One day I was having a terrrible day, December 11th actually, crying and all because I was sensitive and full of stress and mood swings from going off medication too fast and all that crap.. I had been in crowd after crowd, buying gifts, I was tired and just unhappy all day and no one seemed to understand not to bug me because my meds were messing with my emotions. Wess wasn't there most of the day so I was kinda freaked out and such, finally came back and I let it all out on him. He tries to cheer me up, though I was in the worst mood I've been in for a long while, sniffling into my robe and all. He says to me:
"What's funny is you probably still look just as pretty, even with teary eyes and a germ infested robe on haha" "wanna check? DX" "lol sure" We talk for a while and I'm all gloomy and such.. I just stare into the cam and can't even make myself smile.
He says to me (this is over time, not all at once of course):
Alright...if you say so -laughs, tilts head and looks at camera- hey there pretty one, let me see a smile ^___^ Haha, I know you can...-runs his left hand gently over your hair, pushing it back behind your head, then running his hand down your cheek onto your neck- just think I'll be there soon and whenever you have a gloomy day, I'll be there to hold you until it goes away -grabs your hands in his- and I'll kiss you and hold you and cuddle with you until you can smile again. I'll look into your eyes everyday and tell you how pretty you look, even if you just cried, woke up, whatever...because you still look pretty to me no matter what state you're in. -Pushes his nose against yours- ^___^ It's a bit of a smile, close enough =P Haha, always messing with your emo hair... ('it's always in the way' I say) -Looks back at you- I guess, the whole -covers an eye so I look like I only have one eye- thing looks good on you -giggles- Smile, nice, see it's not that hard >___> ('problem is keeping it from going back down') -Tilts head- I'm not always good at cheering people up off the bat, if I could make you smile and make it stick I'd do it. -Pokes your nose- But you seem to be doing alright cutey ('kiss me then =P') How would you like this kiss? Drawn out in an emote or just a simple smiley? ^__^ ('in detail') I can do that... ('mwahaha..') -I place my hands gently on your shoulders as I look back deeply into your eyes, seeing our clearing in the forest with the single tree. My hands glide down your arms gently making their way to your hands, gripping to them on contact. I lean my neck forward very slowly, keeping focus on only your eyes. We feel our noses brush against each other, I stop for a moment and smile, whispering: "I love you". Then caressing my lips gently against yours- ( *blush* :) ) ^___^ (<3 thanks, hehe..) -Runs his hands over your blushing cheeks- There's the smile from the prettiest girl in my life <33 you don't have to thank me for that :) (*shakes head and laughs* prettiest? I think that's a biiit of exagerating there =P) -Thinks of every girl I know- -Laughs- Nope, definetly not exaggerating. I guess when you love someone though, to you, they are the prettiest in your life. That's the way a guy thinks at least, I look at you and really just smile and go "Hehe, wow :D" .. Want me to come kidnap you? =P (yes, please. send some ninjas =P)

I adore him, and I think I have many reasons to, haha. :heart: He's mine, yaaay..
So that's the whole story. It's 5 AM and I haven't even closed my eyes tonight. Because I've been too busy making a book out of our little two-week romance, haha. But there's so much to every day, I save every conversation.
*whistles cheerfully*
I've fooound my looooove.. Mwahaha. I was wrong to think that all that star wishing, praying to my makeshift shrine (which I did entirely for fun) and hoping was in vain.
I'm not sick anymore too, I'm very glad.
Westooon is awesome, I love him. :) Hehe. Anyway, I'd better sleep....

Goodnight all, if you read all of this I'll choke on my orange juice tomorrow morning.

Cough Choke Cough

2005-12-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

I'm sick.
That sucks.

Haha... Weston (bf) got sick the same day I did....... Poor guy. He's better now, I'm still recovering. Though he had it a lot worse than I when he had it.

Dobby. "Oh, and I like to randomly carry around stuffed animals.." Then he told me he used to too, but he lost his stuffed animal on the last roadtrip. He said it was a Doggie that he had since he was born. I was like, "woah!" trippy! And told him, I have a dog that I called Doggie that I've had since I was born.. Cept I named him Dobby later. So that was funny.
I like finding random connections...
Like we supposedly have similar handwritings..

-Whistles- Whistle why you work, do do do dooo dooo doo >.> Silly Disney.. Corrupting my mind -.-
We muuuuust sing dorky things together! :p
Yeees!
:D
We must :D
yaay! ^____^
XD
:P that'll be fun.. we can be all retarded ^ ^
We'll be a couple of dorks off our leash
^___^
-Nod- From the sounds of it we'll be having a lot of fun
we suuure shall :P
-Whispers nervously- I hope XP
what's making you nervous about it? :P
-Shrugs- Typical "zomg what if she doesn't like me in person?! orz!!111"
what if YOU don't like me in person! o___o
Okay -laughs- if the only way you're different in person is quiter/shy-isher, then I'll like you :P
tell me what personality traits you worry that I won't like
-Shrugs- Just....me....XD I dunno, quiet, nervous, shy, person who doesn't say a whole lot or doesn't speak until spoken to XD
aww :P sounds like me ^__^
XD! "Doesn't speak until spoken to" we'll be staring at each other: "Wonder when he/she is going to say something..."
nah, mostly with strangers or just peers.. but with you, I dunno
I'm just worried because I want us to last and I rather not meeting in person be the thing that screws it up XD that would suck
anyway, don't worry about it, shy guys are cuuuuuute
---

Random.
But we're similar in that aspect too it seems.. Quiet nervous and shaky. He once said, sorry if he's all jittery and shaking when we meet because he's nervous. And I said, haha, I'll be doing the same thing, so we'll be shaking and stuttering together. XD
That's too funny to picture.
I think upon meeting him I could love him even more. o__o

hehe. Yes.

Sick sick sick.. Seeing King Kong on Friday. *shrug*. Yup.

What Why

2005-12-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

How do you read my mind? From eyes to smile, from hands to fingers.. What does it tell you?

My hand plays with my hair.. I'm nervous, uneasy, worried of reaction.. needing something to do with my hands...
I brush my hair over my face.. Self-concious, maybe hiding some unknown flaw, or just her expression.... Or being shy.
I stick out my tongue. Embarrassment, feeble, poking fun.. Awkward, ashamed, flustered. Amused, flirty, disapproving of you or feeling bad about herself.
Looks down. Waiting for a response, not wanting her eyes to tell what answer she wants. Embarrassed, upon admitting a fear or something she was reluctant to say. Unsure, dozing...
Bites lip. In discomfort, or bored.. Afraid, worried, unsure.. In thought.
Stretch.. Sore or awkward, unsure of what else to do.
.. I'll think of more later.. I'm sick, I need my sleep..

The Many Times You Left My Side

2005-12-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to a fool.
----

Bite your lip
and hold back cries
beneath and behind all lies..
Part of you soon did die
I won’t leave,
but I can’t stay
you say, but deny,
please don't let it all go..

With every day you were near
for every time, well I shed tears..
For all the things you said,
torn I'd bled
now I’ve let it all go..

You knew it wouldn’t fly...
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?

Distant smiles burn
beneath blush
to lust, rush
Too fast to head
it all ends,
want.. dead

You knew it wouldn’t fly....
knew it would hurt to try..
You knew and soon you drown..
Love is lost but will it be found..?

Was it more than false
this taste of love
this dash of lust
Was it all some sort of dream
nightmarish and cold sweat
scream
Was reality the enemy
was dreams all that strung
between us, attached
refuse to unlatch..
Melt between false words..
Pain doesn’t have to hurt

....

2005-12-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

..They're starting to get worse..
I better leave before they scare me.

*leg bounces uncontrollably*

La di Dah

2005-12-16T17:05:00.001-08:00

Fingers hurt. Hard to type. Left pointer fingernail shortened to a painful length, I blame both nervousness and guitar.
a small paper-cut on my left hand. I think it was accidentally self-inflicted.
Green long sleeve shirt from yesterday. Cotton, a dull moss green, it falls into folds as it's a bit big on me. One button open for no real reason but the dislike of the symmetry of a buttoned shirt.
Dry mouth from basketball. Sleepy eyes.

Today Annamarie took me out for hot chocolate. Bless her for buying me it, as I had no money... I got really paranoid about the time, ends up we got back early, I thought we were running late. Ehh, I'm that way.
Artemisa gave me a nice pair of earings, and Annamarie gave me some cool smelly soaps. I LOVE SMELLY SOAPS! Er, I just love uselessly wonderful pampering fun bath crap. It's joyous stuff. Like the bubble bath confetti. :D That stuff is awesome. And dissolving bath roses. (*laugh*) I like baths. Warm.

I was too tired to do Christmas shopping.. I have to get them something back.

On Sunday afternoon I'm going to a cookie making party, Annamarie's... After that, I'll be visiting the Buddhist Monastary. *nod nod* I'm no follower of anything, just those places are so damned pretty.. Ornaaaaate. Anyway, I like the religion, they have good intentions. Most religions are corrupt, this one I think is one of the few that is not. Believe it all or not, they do have a positive outlook on life, or, a way to appreciate all.. So, beneficial either way. Anyway, I'm curious.
Someone's brining us, so yes.

SLeepy me.. Sleepy sleepy..
My legs huurt..

I sent a little hello to my ex, as it seems the 'silence' has been broken. I haven't talked to him for about four months or so, well, I did say hi yesterday but I mean before that..
*shrug* Doodling with him is fun. But he's still the same old annoying emo kid who can't grow up nor enjoy anyone for how they are.. *sigh* Ariel and him even broke up, jeez. I wish he'd find love and actually be happy and not whine about it. I swear he can't be happy. He fights he ignores he has little commitment. So good luck to him. He makes an okay friend but never anything more. He's too pretty to be good, as all pretty people are. Whatever made people made you be one or the other... Pretty inside, or pretty on the outside.... Never both.
--

I look forward to getting an xmas gift from my boyfriend..

Thing is.... With penpals.. They suck. I mean..... Three people have said, I'll mail you something. None ever did, though we were close. I mailed them all this fun stuff and they never returned the favor. Huge disappointment. So I'm sorta afraid that my bf won't send anything or something...

Anyway, I'm having fun getting together his gift. I always spoil loved ones.
---

I needa sleep.. I'm paranoid (as is he sometimes) at this moment. He's like 'omfg ex!' and I'm like 'omfg fuck buddy!'
Well, not literally. But a sex-joke friend. So it's kinda like, *twwwwwitch* Don't be doing that no more because it's like flirting and it's like, nooo..

My parents are also stressing me out. They argue about once every five months, as they enter in things for my mom's business.. *sigh* Because things get confusing and they get annoyed and stressed.
It always sucks so I hide in my room.

So... um.....
Yeah.. I'm hungry too.. T__T

I'm hungry tired paranoid and stressed. Bad. Time to sleep before I start getting all teary eyed for no reason like I do when I feel all these things at once.

Ooops

2005-12-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

I've been slacking. Really really lost track of time.. And I'm soooooo tired.. Arhhhrhghhghg..

Ah Love Love Love

2005-12-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

More sweet and wonderful gushing... *siiigh* ^_____^ Joy to webcam, allowing me to get as close as I can..
----

Hehe I was looking right back at you that whole time ^___^
hehe
-Runs hand over your -looks- left cheek- ^___^ :*
I love you Wess.. : )
-Smiles- I love you Tanya... : )
with all my heart <3
-Holds you as close as he can and gently kisses you- <3
*picturing it, you can tell*
Picture it all you can -runs his hand through your hair, looking into your eyes- I will always be here for you...always
as shall I <3
I will go any distance to see you for just a little while, I will keep you safe in my arms, I will wake in the middle of the night if I hear your cry, I will look into your eyes so it means something...-whispers in your head- because I love you : ) Don't ever forget that Tanya :*
wish more than anything I could hold close to you now..
Exactly what I'm wishing for -smiles-
hear your voice and feel your touch..
Feel the piercing of your eyes, feel your breath against my face..
feel your lips agains mine and your arms around my waist...
Feel your hair brush against my cheeks, my body caressed gently against yours...as close I can be
*shivers* :P
Hehe. And what I'd like most of all.... Your hands gripping tightly in mine as I lay with you, our bodies intangled under the early morning sky
I'd weave you daisy chains and laugh :P
Hehe ^___^
and if you stay, I'll come visit just to hold you
-Smiles- I would enjoy that more than anything
haha, I love you sooo much, so in love :P I feel all woozy XD I'll leave post it notes on your door , saying I love you :P
-Giggles- I love you too, so damn much hehe. And even if your parents allowed me to come visit freely, I would sneak to your room just to put a smile on your face.
---

I can't believe I'm found someone like you either...it feels like a dream sometimes. -Blushes and smiles- Aw..Tanya...-smiles again, can't stop- hehe....I never thought I'd find you, ever...and what makes me laugh is you would always tell me: "You'll find someone, you won't die alone" and look...I found you...you were right there...the whole time. -Points to the cam- And that... I will make sure, every day You smile like that
can't believe this is real.. haha.. not some crazy too-perfect dream or something :P it's everything I ever wished for.. and now I have it...
It's real...it's as real as real can get...take this feeling now and enhance it for when we meet, when we can feel the reality of it. -Smiles, takes your hands gently in mine, presses his forehead on yours and looks into your eyes- you have it and you never have to let go of it. Hehe -looks- like I said...I see a future not set in stone but a future that is waiting for me...right there in those eyes...-runs hand over your cheek-
--
Haha, I wouldn't doubt that a single bit. You'll probably glomp me into a oblivion and I'd twirl you around and kiss you :D -nod- I know...it's so wonderful, yet so hard at the same time...it'll happen though...soon -nudges forehead on yours- hehe, well...when me meet, if you decide to cry, my shoulder, chest, even face are available for the tears at anytime : )
you're perfect, you know that? XD
Perfect? No...you're blinded by something -pokes inbetween your eyes-
absolutely everything I've ever needed. *thinks about jumping into your arms and kissing you like hell* daamn that would be fun
-Smiles- You're everything I've ever wanted in a girl, it's weird because I can't even mention a flaw on you. Even your clingingness and bugging me for things doesn't make me upset at all lol yeah, it would be we will totally have to do that
---

Trying to seduce me Ms. Gli***ell? Cause.. It is working.
Haha :P
-------

He's the most killer drop-dead lovable sweetie I've ever met in my life, thank-you-very-much, and I'll continue being bubbly all the rest of like.... ten entries so bare with me. XD

Happy Sighs

2005-12-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

I just saw Narnia.....
The most well-done movie I've ever seen. I'm just taken aback by how damned awesome it was..!
I read the books, loved the books, and it was sooo amazingly done.... So so amazing. Every actor and actress was perfect.. Especially um.. Thimo-- Whatever his name was, haha.. He was such a good actor and they did a great job on making him look right.

<3 love the movie.

Little Blushes Big Smiles

2005-12-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

<3 In love..... ... Never be sad again.

I love you Wess...

A conversation, me smiling into the webcam and staring at the lens, giving the illusion of my eyes meeting his.
---

Hello XD
: )
What a lovely image to go to bed to :D
lol, right :P
Whaaat? I'm serious, so pretty : )
lol, if you say so, I don't see it
Yeah well...you never will and I'm content with that but I'll tell it to you until your ears bleed dammit
I see a plain messy girl, lol.
I see a pretty, sweet, cute, yes messy, awesome girl whom I love very much : ) :*
: ) :P
^_____^
Hehe
That will be so wonderful in person
hehe
lol Adorable giggles XD
It's odd that you think I'm adorable
-Tilts head- Right
it is. no one crushes on me ya know, no one asks me out, no guys talk to me, I can only assume I'm not gorgeous :P
Wait until you get older, you'll be beating guys off with sticks.. or something. I don't know. You're still a baby sophomore. :P You still got the rest of school, plus college when you decide to go
That's how you write the date
-Dies while trying to read it- Really? wtf XD
yup, those
12/9/2005 seems so much simpler
haha
It aint no big thang. XD -Blush- Haha
:D :P
Hehe :* That made me smile :D.. Hehe hey there :) ...you have no idea how bad I want to kiss you XD
haha XD
-Smiles-
XD
Hehe, you laugh and I don't even say anything. -Tilts head- I could look into your eyes for hours
*blush* ^___^
-Smiles- Hehe -still staring, attempting to type without looking-
lol, hehe.. : )
Hehehehe XD -smiles- Tanya...
mm? :P
: ) I love you
: ) I love you too :P
^___^ haha, it's so cool when you do that :* -blows a kiss back-
Just a little closer to the real thing
-Nod- exactly. I just picture myself moving your hair away and rubbing my nose against yours as we begin laughing our asses off, then running my hands gently over your cheeks and down your neck, looking into your eyes right before I'm able to softly land my lips on yours
hehe : )
^_________^ -grinning, smiling, blushing-
hehe <33
<333
<3333 :P
lol I can do that with my hands, I'll have to take a picture for you -that gives me an idea, writes it down so I remember it tomorrow-
lol, whadya mean?
You'll see ^___^
lol, okay
Hehe -smiling, has his face closer to the screen- haha
:P
Haha yes! <3 :*. lol Pish :P right back at you.. I wish I could come sooner ><
haha, as do I :P
Hehehe :*
:P :*
It'll be interesting to just stare at each other in person for like 20 minutes XD
haha, yes
^___^ Come fall asleep with me, yes? XD
haha, wish I could
We'd never go to sleep, we'd lay there in bed giggling and being stupid XD
haha, yes
lol you're staring into the cam and I'm running my fingers over your face on-screen, such an adorable relationship XD
haha -^__^-
Blush! XD
See it? XD
Yes, I do -smiles-
You cannot touch me, yet I am touched :P
-Giggles- hehe, even though I've never touched you, I'm trying my hardest to picture it right now and it's making me smile
lol
Hehe -takes you by the chin, kiss- Such torture XD
bwahahaha :P
lol
I can give you 'alluring' looks all day and you'd die XDD
Well luckily I'm going to bed then, right? (it's 12 o___o) if you want me on tomorrow, you'd better let me sleep and at the same time I want to just stare at you and imagine kissing you all night XD gyar.. Stop that, lol
haha, five more minutes XDDD
You said 15 more 20 minutes ago XD
no I didn't :P
Lies!
I said, do you want to see me before you go to bed :P
:P shhhh... I can make you smile... you have no idea how much that means to me.. hehe :* back at you
indeed you can :P
Hehe -can't turn head away XD- XD Silly -Pokes your nose- :P -Falls to the side- As much as I hate to do it...I'm going to get some shut eye but can I have another kiss before I go? XD OoooO I like that angle -takes shot- XD
lol, sure thing :P
Hehe :* -smiling- thank you : ) hehe
--------

F*CKING CUTE !!! <3 T ^ T
I looooooooooooooooooooove him.. My dear dear Wess.. I love you I love you I love you more than anyone or anything...
His forever.. : )
Ahhh, I'm soo so in love.

2005-12-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

He's so so so incredibly lovable and sweet.. :D Damn I love you Wesssss..

*whistles*

"Kiss me once! Kiss me twice! Come on pretty baby, kiss me deaaadlyyyy..."
Our song. : )
Kiss Me Deadly by Reel Big Fish

I looooooooooove him. He makes me feel so happy and good about myself. <3
Hehe. You'll never hear the end of this.

<3

2005-12-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

Heheheheh... *grin grin*
Every morning I'm happy.. Everyday I can't stop smiling. Just reading what he says brings such a big smile to my face....
-----

-Hugs you so tight-
I liked that comment "I've found you"
It made me smile so much hehe, I've found you too!
And I'm glad I have...
Rather it's soulmates or rather it will grow into that true love everyone always speaks of
No matter what it is...right now, it's meant to be
I want us to be together as long as we can
Maybe because of you, I won't have to die alone -smiles-
Again, thank you for making me so happy Tanya
I know that's a weird thing to thank someone for but I feel the need to
-Wants to wrap his arms around you and kiss you-
(I promise I'll try to lose some weight so kissing me will be more of a turn-on-ish attractive thing XD)
-Bows, kisses your hand- lol
Hope you slept well and that you get to see this when you wake up
You'll have more messages when you get back from school
<3

-Wes
-------

Is it not the sweetest thing ever?? T_____T.. He feels for me as I feel for him.. We're the same... Awww~~~~~~...
Hahha.. :D I love him to deaath. I'm so glad he's coming here.. I'm so glad I get to see him, that I can trust him..
I looove you Wessssss~
: )

So In Love

2005-12-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

<3
I love him so so so so much.
It's meant to be, it's so meant to be. Out of billions of billions of people, he came.. He, exactly like me, in all ways..
I love him so so much..
I'm so happy I feel like crying. He's mine.. Mine mine mine and mine for as long as we wish.. *cry*

"Heh, just honestly is amazing how much you are like me. Not saying that to be sarcastic or cute or to purposely repeat...it's the honest truth. it's just...amazing...I've always met people where I can go "Oh well they're kind of like me, they can relate to me a little" but never like "Am I looking in the mirror?" I mean yeah, we have some differences on beliefs but overall...our personality is basically just the same exact thing. I hope I don't make you feel stressed at all, the only way you make me feel that way is because I really do care about you deeply and we're in a relationship-ish thing and I keep hoping I can make you happy and for you to try and like me in every way but yeah. Other than that...what you said is me...down to the last word... -Smiles- That made me blush lol (sorry I'm slow, FFXI, yes I'm a junkie) But after that, after knowing so much more on how you're like me, my feelings for you have just totally skyrocketed. It makes me want to be with you as long as possible"

"haha

lol, my eyes are tearing up XD"

"There's a feeling inside of me that wants to fall in love with you, a part of me because it knows you are someone who makes me happy, who I trust, who cares..loves me for who I am, regardless of how I look...and without a doubt, this feeling will soon just explode XD
Awwww lol happy tears I'm hoping XD"

"for sure
this is exactly what I've wanted all my life and you have no idea how good it feels”

"Hehe, it's definetly what I've been searching for. I never thought i'd find it, never. "Someone compatible with me, lol yeah, in my dreams""

"here I am! *hop*
I knocked down the door XD"

"lol -Hugs you so tight- Thank you -smiling- you've made me so happy, you have no idea"

"nor do you"

"Hehe ^____^ Ahh, this would be one of those moments where it'd be nice to be next to each other XD being all huggy and junk"

"haha, for sure
can't you be my xmas present? XD"

-----

I love you so much Weston.. You've only been my boyfriend two days yet... You feel like everything to me.
So this is what it feels like.. So wonderful.. So happy you feel like you could just melt away. So happy you could cry and laugh and twirl in circles for hours..

Lost Then Found

2005-12-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

I asked Weston at 6 Am this morning if he'd be my boyfriend. Answer is yes.

I'm so happy.. It was meant to be, I just know it. How we met and when, what happened in our lives.. How we were there for each other and he trusts me though he hardly trusts anyone. How we had feelings for each other but were blocked by painful relationships that wouldn't go away. How we're exactly alike, how we give each other a laugh and can tell each other anything. How even being his girlfriend, we still talk and laugh the same, nothing changes.
He's a sweetie. I haven't been so happy in a long while.
It's funny how easily it came too. I didn't have to ask twice, I didn't have to ask him anything nor him ask me anything. He had actually been thinking about the same thing the night before.. Wondering if I'd move on so he could be with me.

He got me a Christmas present, and I'm getting him one this weekend. I'm so glad to be with him.. <3

Two Of A Kind

2005-12-05T06:25:00.000-08:00

We both had our hearts broken at the same time.. We both are alone. We both trust eachother more than anyone. We both are sensitive and clingy, paranoid. We both write. He's moving to Seattle.. Could such a coincidence not mean something?

2005-12-04T01:18:00.000-08:00

"hopeless romantic who lacks romance wonders if she has the chance at romance at all so she looks for some way to be convinced"

Explaining to Wess my irrational fear of not being pretty.
---

I see, so how is people telling you you're pretty going to help you think you have romance? Anyone can tell you you're pretty but it doesn't mean they like you. Which is why you should take it from the people who matter. I hate myself, you know this, I find myself to be hideous, repulsive and disgusting in every single way, from head to toe. But if someone close to me honestly says: "you're not bad looking" or "you're cute" I believe their opinion. Everyone else, fuck em
I need their opinions about as much as I need an infected scortum
scrotum*'

lol. being told I'm pretty would tell me that someone I want to be with could possibly like me back

Then why hang up all over it?

I don't know, because I'm brainwashed.. from childhood, beauty is everything for a girl

I know, it's sad
Beauty won't get you anywhere in life. People tell me: "yeah, be a model". Yeah, once you become bolemic because your manager tells you the public once to see ribs, we'll see how happy you are
Beauty is overrated trash and there is no such thing as perfection. France and America have created an image in which only shallow people with dark hearts feed into. If someone has a great personality, no matter how ugly they are, they always look great. And again, practical? No such thing as pretty or ugly, some people find one girl gorgeous, others find her pretty. It's sick brainwashing and it needs to be shot down

yeah..
and that's how my eyes work
all my friends can never be ugly to me
at first I think they look strange but all flaws fade

-Nod- Because you learn about them

yup
it's interesting
and I'm glad, because I'm happy to judge by heart and not shell

Yes, it makes you a good person -gives you another cookie-

hehe

Honestly? I don't think I have ever EVER Looked at any girl and thought "Ew..." because, no matter how thin, fat, pimply, nasty, greasy, scaly, whatever a girl is...I always find something pretty about her Even if I don't know them

Tired

2005-12-03T03:24:00.000-08:00

As of 3:20 Am....

Can't Sleep..

2005-12-03T03:15:00.000-08:00

..Dunno why.. I just don't want to close my eyes, because I'm afraid the days will pass too fast and I'll have more work to do than I can handle..
I'm afraid school will come too soon. I hate school. I hate it..!

Yell, Stomp, Scream Real Loud

2005-12-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

I'm hungry tired and not very happy.

Why does everything like to go bad at once? Crush rejects me, one I truly love chooses her and not me, grades are falling, stress is rising, depression nearing... Social anxiety not improving.

I just want to go to sleep and for it all to go away... I want to go into a coma of dreams so I can be at peace... So I can run in the fields and live with the fairies, chase the butterflies, kiss, laze, daydream, fly.
I'd rather live there than here. I'd rather be mind-dead than this way. I'd rather sleep forever than find things to lose that I will lose.

I want to sleep forever. And that's it. I don't want to die, I want to sleep. Sleep and not wake up.. Not wake up until the world decides it's done killing me... Not wake up until love is present and fate stops killing me.

shh..

2005-12-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

I feel an artistic itch but I don't know how to get it out.

Shift slowly rise
through the light, soon these eyes
between if and because
I lost who I was..
doot doo.. Darn it, when I listen to music I can't write poetry that doesn't fit to it. :P

I hate how words don't come to me now...

Silver silhouettes
of soft
slipped off shingles
cold hands, pale
my breath mingles
in the air around my face
showing form and shifting shape
drifting gentle cloud, to nothing more
as we drift ashore
from conscious to dreams
reality to self
beneath my fingers,
pool endless wealth
of warmth and life
to give day and night
to soft closed eyes
of far dreamless sleeps
I stare up
count translucent sheep
but my eyes reach to dark
and in dark they stay
wish another place,
another way
and ask what soon
is the price I'll pay
for these nights
of little sleep
sitting awake,
counting sheep
and wondering how you are
are you awake, are you far
does my heart please you
or is it forever untrue
please believe me now....
I cannot say why or how
but please.. believe me now

Another dream,
I've forgotten what
were you in it,
as in my thoughts
a flickering film
shifts start and stop
in my mind
they spill and slosh
to another wakening
daylight's call
and away it goes
not there at all
the faintest memory
of fading familiar
days of past
and fairy tales, dimmer
as the sun melts
away my sleep...
I dash to grab,
before it seeps
away from my eager head
so I go back to bed
in hopes of another dream..

Awakened by more unfriendly
I curl up deep and tenderly
for another shine shift
your smile, soft dripped
to linger in my mind...
Never to be mine..

Hold close to teddies,
more pillows and sheets
Wishing you close,
curl up my feet
But warmth isn't given
and of arms it is ridden..
Nothing holds back
and a body it lacks
nothing solid between arms
to hold close, keep calm
to fall asleep once more
in the comfort till dawn..

Oh how long, sleepless dreamer..
how long would you sleep
to believe you alive
and to get what you seek
and how long will tears flood
them to eyes, as veins to blood
to warm face, in what is cold
heart beats warm, as it's sold..

And how long, sleepless dreamer..
will you lie awake again
waiting for something
that you'd hope fate would send

How long sleepless dreamer,
will you lie awake in doubt
holding in thoughts,
unable to get out
of a dream-filled life
and what you believe harsh truth
holding onto daydreams
while it's what you're going to lose?

Mm..

2005-12-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

I talked to Zandry today.......
I guess I shouldn't be talking to him too much.. I couldn't help it today though. I shouldn't too much more, because
such only reminds me how much I'm going to miss him.. What about him I'll miss, everything.. *sigh*

I shouldn't linger much on it all.. I really shouldn't..

Because, if he does happen to pick me, I have all the time in the world. If not, these are the last days. And though I want to take hold of the last days to talk to him, it'll only make it hurt so much more.

I'll try not to hope.. No, I won't. He's not going to choose me. I'll be okay. I don't want the shock.. So I'll expect it.
This is going to suck...

Well

2005-12-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

Things are looking up a bit, but homework is slow and I have a lot to worry about even still..

I'll probably make up those two runs I missed by walking around Green Lake a few times. I can bring my camera and take pictures too...

I'm warming my hands over the short lamp sitting on the table thingie.. My hands are freezing. Trying to slowly do my math and keeping an eye on the time as I procrastinate 'just a bit' to tell you what's up.

It snowed today. Not enough to stick on the sidewalk, but it did cover the grass and the rooftops. Was nice, I hope it snows again later enough to cover the sidewalk.. Because I want school to be cancelled. :P
I had a lot of rest today so I should do alright tomorrow.. I think.

I just wanna drink something warm and sit next to the fire, and fall asleep...
With someone. Shh shh, no thinking. Nope. Can't think romantic, it doesn't help. Because those thoughts are lies which will disappoint. And everyone knows who I'd want to be next to the fire with.
--

Hands, freeeezing.. Wish there were gloves that were easy to write with.. Like a skin-tight layer of something that keeps in the heat. If only plastic-wrap would work, haha.

Anyways.. When was winter break? I don't remember.. I hope soon enough.. A week or two more.....?

Exhaustion

2005-11-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know how much longer I can take this.. I need the weekend, I need my eyes to rest and my body to be in peace. My mind needs to empty of the many worries that plague it, and my hands need to stop jittering, my heart stop racing..
I need peace...

More Sane Expression

2005-11-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

Written in my D.A. journal:

Today is the most stressful and exhausting day....

Just everything is bugging me now, and it's enough to make my head hurt and my disorder-insanity level riiiiise up the ceiling.
My grandparents coming over with no warning and my brother's DDR and them trying to figure out ebay and Nana noisily talking was enough to make my head burn and my body freeze up in inability to feel anything but stress stress stress. Just the 'get me out of here!!!' feeling of being trapped in a small cage.

It's like the feeling of complete fear, but for no reason. You feel like your in the middle of a presentation, or about to be chased by a bear. Or like someone's going to grab you or abduct you with a knife to your throat. I get this feeling when I'm upset or stressed. I just can't will myself to move and can't will myself to do anything but stare until I feel 'safe' again.. I tense up and my head hurts and I feel my heart in my throat.. and I just feel like putting my head in my hands and then letting out a good scream. The smallest gesture towards me such as a hug or a question makes me snap and my entire self goes to some sort of defense mechanism.
Such is why I never seem to grow up, I still curl into a ball and pout because I can do nothing with my voice nor body when I feel in this way.

Stress and fear and tenseness all at once, it's not fun. I have everything to worry about and the smallest things today were making me crazy. I wanted my brother to stop hugging me five times a day and I wanted my grandparents to talk more quietly, and not to have dropped by today when my mood was so trivial.. I was wishing Dad wasn't sitting downstairs at the computer talking on the phone which would ring every twenty minutes, and I wished people would stop walking by as I tried to do what I wanted to without question.

*sigh*

I feel like there are eyes on my back watching every move I make, waiting for me to say something I shouldn't, waiting for me to do something they deem wrong.. Though it doesn't matter, it is my fear, and it makes me feel raw and sharpens my somber mood. Such is one of the many flaws of mine.

--

2005-11-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

Behind it all I'm fucking annoyed paranoid and in some sort of pain.

Stay away from me, be quiet, leave me alone leave me alone and leave me alone! Stop squeaking your chair, S.O.B.. Stop telling me to watch your game, stop stomping DDR, stop standing behind me Nana, I'm watching your shadow, stop hovering near me, stop talking over me, stop stop stop and go away!

I want everyone and everything to fucking go away! AWAY!

My head hurts and I'm cry-ish, AGAIN.

I want a piece of pizza but I'm afraid to move..? I'm afraid to move. I don't even know why. I'm afraid to move. I just want to sit here until everyone goes away. I wait till they can't see me, like they're waiting for one mistake or one wrong word. Like they're ready to pounce up and ask me what I'm doing, what I'm writing, why who what..

My head hurts.. I don't know why I'm so.. messed. I just feel so sad and overwhelmed and I just want it to be quiet..
My grandparents came over. My brother is being loud. My mother is blabbing with them. I just want it to go away. I'm stressed out and scared. I'm stressed and scared..
So please go away......

I have an N in math. I don't know how to do one problem. I have to get good grades to get into college two years early. One chance.. Only once chance. I'm taking the ACT in February although I'm only 15, and I'm going to see if I can make it in, skipping the last two years of high school and going straight to college..
My Japanese class is hard. My weight training exhausts me. My biology perplexes me. My Language Arts drags on.. My U.S. history is dwindling in grade..

Oh I have so much to worry about every moment, every day..

I'm hungry and tired and my head hurts. I'm stressed and frozen and I can't move.

I lose or win my love in 13 (?) days, and I have so many other things that are hurting me right now.
Souren literally rejected me yesterday, although not mean, still annoying.

I know Zandry is going to not choose me, because it's obvious. He's already told me, duh.

I'm so tired.. I just want to go to sleep and I want everyone to stay away.

A Deal

2005-11-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

"For the next 15 days, I want you to be Zandry-less. No mentioning of him, having orgasms over his voice, freaking out over his pictures, stalking him. Try to be Canadian-less for the 15 days and I will give you a cookie"

Okay, I agree. But 14 days only.. er, one day before we're compromising. I'll go that many days without thinking of him.

*laughing* That voice part is just creepy. It's cracking me up, because yesterday I was searching for the voice clips and annoying Weston saying "He sounds like Howl from Miyazaki's 'Howl's Moving Castle' !!!!!!" When really Weston checked for me and told me he sounded nothing like him. I guess I was connecting his cuteness with Howl's cuteness (when Howl's hair turns black) and therefore connected the voice, or at least was reminded.
XDDD.. The bishi is Zandry!!! :P

So yeah. I'll stop visiting his page and stop 'freaking out' and stop it all, until the day before our compromise. Therefore, December 12th.

Okay Weston, it's a deal. This doesn't count, haha.

2005-11-29T16:54:00.000-08:00

No way to know what'll happen.. No predicting.

But honestly, I think he's not going to choose me. I've too much of a dreamer, but now looking at things realistically, he has little reason to choose me. If he loved me then he wouldn't have let me go.
He didn't before, so why would he now?

It's just a pity.
I'll be waiting for a sure answer, and then it'll be done. No more wondering, no more mystery. I'm glad.
I'd rather a harsh truth than no answer. Or if lucky, a good answer instead of none.
14 more days..?
About.. Mmm...

Mystery Solved

2005-11-29T00:19:00.000-08:00

why do you enjoy harassing me when ur here?

ara?

I curious, duh. you be like "IS WESTON UR BOYFRIEND?" "OH HE MUST BE" /harrass

because you dont teeeeeeeeellllllllll me

lol, honestly?

yea

so if I told you what was happening you wouldn't take advantage of my paranoia all the time?

thered be no questions to ask if I knew

but would you believe me? cuz you're like 'noo he's nooot'

I'd believe you if you were serious

mmhm, okie dokie, as long as you don't mock my ocassional emo bakaness I'll tell you stuff

.... NO U

as long as you're NICE ABOUT IT SLIGHTLY, no harassing me if I tell you stuff

duh

mmkay

if I can increase my flow of enemy information for future exploitation I will do as asked..... .... -__-

which means what exactly?

NUTHIN...

tell me, dumb. meaning if you can find out who is your enemy or something you shall know who to destroy something something wut?

it means the more you tell me, th more likely you are to say something so completely stupid I have no option except to BLOCK YOU FROM UTTER FAILURE~

lol, XD, or at least try

Hopefully that wont happen too often

kay
---

Amazing. Now I have a solution. Huzzah. A well worth it trade.

Hugs For Alex

2005-11-28T23:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much bro. You really helped. *huuuug*
You be teh win! Hayabooya style, desuyo!
Kukuku, smiiiitewa..

Snow desuka! HAI! You know it to be true! Snow snow, go snow go! Degrees go low, and in we stay. No school day!!! Let us dance and let us play! Tonight I pray, SNOW DAYYYYY!
*does the snow dance*

I didn't do my homework, Arekusu-sama. Watashi wa baka desu.. T__T

Save me snow, save me! Win! Wiiiiiin! Wiiin!
---

*hugs Alex* Thank you for good advice, 1337 skillz, uberness, not being annoying, and the randomness you provide me with. You be teh awesome brother of ultima powa.

Trusting My Brother For Once

2005-11-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

After watching him help my friend Weston figure out the consent age in South Carolina through some nifty research, I decided to trust him, for once, with helping me.
Thing is, the mom was threatening a restraining order on Weston, and Weston is really sweet and loves Sammi to death. Just her mom is dumb and doesn't want them together. So Alex looked up the rules for restraining order, and it ends up the mom can't do anything about them seeing each other. So Weston was overjoyed to find this out.
--

So, now I ask him. And I'm surprised at how much his advice makes sense. Course he'll have his occasional sarcasm, but he's being nice about it. Wow, brother, being nice.. Ookay.
He's annoying, but smart. And when he wants to help he does.
And today he seems especially serious and helpful.

I told him why we can't be together. Then he made me say why I like him so much. I list the reasons. "Oh how do I love thee? Let me count the ways!"
I'll show the convo once we're actually done.

I Wonder

2005-11-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

Well, sent a serious letter today. I'm happy to hear from him but I don't want joy crap until I know what I'm getting into. What is the same, what has changed, has anything changed?
Thing is, I can't get over him, however I try. I really look around, but I can't find anyone who compares in the patience and kindness he shows towards me, the humor and willingness to have fun and be stupid with me. The acceptance, however weird I act some days or whatever stupid things upset me. It's hard to find these people.
So, yeah, I can't. I try, I've been doing fairly well considering how much I like him. I went days without sorrow nor real loneliness, if I got lonely I talked to Weston and if I got sad I talked to my mom or went out somewhere. But eventually it kinda caught up with me. Weston's issues with his love started to remind me, and my crush whom is nice but doesn't have enough in common with me. I realized, it's really hard to move on. I was excited at first to have someone to crush on, but there was a tinge of sadness behind it that for a while I didn't understand. Finally realized, it's because, I don't want to move on. I want him. No one else. Zandry and only Zandry.
Yet it's complicated. So what the heck.

Hmph.

2005-11-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

How wonderful to know that my older brother will now be reading all my personal thoughts and whining, purposely set away in a place where family members shouldn't be able to see it. Damn you.

Smile

2005-11-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

A sign. I got a sign. I don't like Souren (as in, he will be nothing but a friend).
15 days till I speak to the one I love... God I miss you miss you.

Ten Minutes

2005-11-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

Ten minutes to say what's happening.

I feel sick inside, at every look at his page and every thought in my head saying, he's not mine, never will be, can't, ever. I feel sick missing him and sick seeing his picture. Makes me want to cry thinking of sending pictures back and forth, and how he was always eager to get one.

My mom could tell I was really down and I was pretending to do my homework while telling Weston my woes. She got me to say bye and got me to spill what was wrong. I was relieved that she understood..

My hands are freezing.. And my fingers ache of strumming the same song over and over.

Rebecca.. Stop. It hurts.

Weston can relate to that. "So you're not the only one who gets crazy thoughts like that huh.." "I freak out easily! Just her saying that makes me feel sick and upset, just because I want her to.. stay away, I don't know" "Yeah, the whole 'he/she is who I love! he/she is just another part of your life, go away!'" "Hehe, yeah.."

I feel like I'll be forgotten, replaced. I feel like he doesn't love me and never will. Which is why I'm sad now. I wasn't there when he needed me.. I wasn't born there, I wasn't put into his path.. Does that mean I should have no chance.. I wasn't given a chance.. I find the person I love and the only reason why I can't be with him is because I wasn't there when he needed help most... Why. Why couldn't it have been me? I always ask that.

My mom told me, love is a stupid word. Because there are too many forms of love, and everyone has a different definition. There's the love for family, the love for friends, the love of lovers, the love of couples, the love of cheaters, the love of lust, the love of reliance, the love of attachment. There are too many. So what is real love..?
She says, give everything time. Keep your eyes open as always. But then again, remember that things change with time.

Smile Despite Confusion

2005-11-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's so nice to have a good friend who appreciates me being there.

"You are such a tard.."
"hmm? Tard how so?"
"-Laughs- You're the only person who leaves me countless messages while i'm on away, I appreciate it :P"
"you do? good, I thought it might be annoying"
"Nah haha"

:D That makes me smile.

And yeah. Souren is a no for hooking up with.

because I wouldn't have fun with him
I wanna walk around with a box on my head with "X__x" drawn on the front in sharpie
just to see reactions
^_^
and I want to get a group of friends
and a camera
and set it up..
suddenly stop when we're all walking
and look at the sky
stare there for like, five minutes
and the cam will catch who stops to see what we're looking at
if someone asks, we just go 'oo...' or 'woah...'
XDDDD

Weston
-Raises his hand-
i'll video tape

Tanya
haha
so yeah
I told him that, he didn't think it was a good idea XD

Weston
He's not into that junk?

Tanya
nope!

Weston
Pish

Tanya
'yeah, and give us neck cramps'
something along those lines he said
so noo
he doesn't know how to have fun -__-

Weston
-Rolls eyes- Someone has a large stick stuffed up their ass -.-

Tanya
hahah
yeah, too bad
but not too bad in a way
because Zaandry is whom I want
but curses, I can't have him, grah

In the mood for Song

2005-11-27T00:58:00.000-08:00

I'm looking at Cocteau Twins again.. I'm looking for songs to express how I feel, in one way or another. This will take up a lot of space.... All are by Cocteau Twins.

You listen hard
Fear of flying
Fear of flying
With our love
Now I am sure
You and I will(the lips, the heart)
And you and I yeah
Illuminated
The lips, the heart
Illuminated
Fear of flying(the lips, the heart)
Fear of flying
Fear of flying(the heart, the soul,
illuminated, illuminated)
The lips the heart
The heart the soul
illuminated
Heart-shaped chews and traps
Treasure hiding
Scared of temptress skill
Love I'd sold, I was trying
Deep without us
Down down and further- tears
Collective in try and stop
Fire is out
Not ready focus
Life places scars
Purify them
Constancy
Purifies new skins
In excelcius
Glee she'll use as fire
Lips spread the fire
Your heart
And you are ready
The lips, the heart
You're the fire, you're the flame
The heart, the soul
Hand in hand, hand in hand
-Treasure Hiding
---

..And it hurts but it's a lie that I can't handle it
I still have a world of me-ness to fulfill
I still have a life, and it's a rich one even with mourning
Even with grief and sadness
I still care about this planet
I am still connected to nature and to my dreams for myself
I have my friends, my family.
I have myself
I still have me
- Half-Gifts
---

Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
-Tishbite
----

Aliveness
Exploration
Fulfillment
Creativity

It may be diverting
For some part of him
Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you betray my confidence?
Healthy dependence
And healthy independence
And healthy assurances
This love's a nameless dream
And healthy boundaries
And how long would you miss me

Are you the right man for me?
Are you safe? Are you my friend?
Or are you toxic for me?
Will you mistreat me
Or betray all my confidence?
-Bluebeard
-----

Don't Get Excited, Don't Leave

2005-11-26T23:42:00.000-08:00

He doesn't like being odd or random, hm.. That would be a problem. Because I'm very strange and random.. Okay, yeah. He's definitely going to be a friend, if anything.
Even if he thought me cute, he wouldn't like my personality. Well, I wouldn't have enough fun with him.

But I said a month.. So I'll try.. It'll be hard..
Wait.. Let's see. If I find I don't like Souren all that much I'll shorten it to 15 days. Mmkay.

No.. A month.. *sigh* Make up your mind..

15 days if I don't like Souren, and if there's any sign from Zandry.. A month if I don't like Souren and there's no sign from Zandry.. If I like Souren, a month. Fair enough.
--

You're sure, Zandry..? She's your true love, the one you're after?
Or do you just feel you owe her? Do you truly love her?..
--

I don't think I'll find many like you.. I try, I really do. I'm trying, don't you see...
There aren't many like you. Not many that fit, 'everything I ever wanted'... How it plagues me, knowing, I wanted nothing more than you.

DECISION

2005-11-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

If I get over you in a month, I'll give up on being with you.
If I can't, I'll talk once again.
Thanks bye.

So I'm Not So Happy Huh..?

2005-11-26T21:37:00.000-08:00

Damn it Wess... *sigh* Shouldn't have made me figure out why I'm gloomy, even though I found a cute crush who talks to me.

Fuckity fuck. It's no fair. It's no fair. NO fair, no fair no fair no fair.
..... why the hell..
Weston's reminding me......... How you can't escape. How you can pretend, but you can't escape. What? Love. I hate it so much.

ZANDRY, WHY THE F-CK CAN'T I GET OVER YOU?

I hate this.

You're the only person who would listen to me for hours. You're the only one who thinks I'm pretty just as I wake up. You're the only person who's overjoyed to 'see' me. You're the only one who would hold my hand. You're the only one who ever wrote like that about me. You're the only one I've ever wanted to kiss. You're the only one who talked to me on the phone and told me a bedtime story over it. You're the only one I would write about on my wall. You're the only one I could trust with anything. You're the only one I could share my weird thoughts to. You're the only one who refuses to hurt me.

I want to move on.. but I don't. I know you don't love me. I know you love her. I know I know I know I know. So why won't it.... sink in? Even if it does, why can't I let go?

Because you're everything I ever wanted..
Why can't I be what you wanted? Why love ever work? Why can't I smile when I'm finding chances with people who can actually be with me? Why can't I?

-Sigh-

2005-11-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

I feel so terrible....!!!
I just hurt a friend unknowingly.. I just made them upset. They're gone.
My honesty.. Why do I have to be so honest?

What's best for you, what's best for her. I speak only my mind.. Yet it's too much for someone who holds them still so close to their heart. I wish I could please cheer you up again, because I didn't know it hurt you to hear that.

If you don't like me anymore.. you don't have to talk to me, you know. I'm so sorry. ...... .. I didn't mean to.
Ugh.. I'm never going to forgive myself for it..
--

Speaking of feeling terrible, I also feel quite sick.. for obvious reasons. *sigh* How hard it is to take a new risk and risk my self-esteem and confidence..
It's scary. I don't like it. I'd rather just stay quiet and have no one ever know.. Ah.. ... .. Tonight I won't sleep so well..

Eeep.. eep eep eep

2005-11-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

Mmkkkaayyyy..

T__T

I added Souren to my friends on myspace. Meeep.. Anyway, the thing is, he has his profile on hide, so I can't even ponder it. Sheesh.
And I just realized.. Oh gawd. My blog is linked on my myspace page. T____T... Ooooh great. I hope he doesn't see this. ^ ^;;; That'd be so embarrassing.. *chokes*

At least I don't see him in school much. And it's so lame to friend someone you don't know. Ehhrrg.. Well, whatever. No turning back. Haha.. As if the email to Alex wasn't enough to make me feel sick. :P
.... .. >___<
Dude, help me Weston, hahah. I'm freaking out! ... *sigh* Now I'm all nervous for both disappointment and extreme embarrassment, I would prefer one, thank you. Jeebus.

..... ehe... heh.. heh.. *hides behind Weston, my 'older brother', and digs a hole to live in*

The Whole Crush Story

2005-11-24T15:14:00.000-08:00

Speaking of crush.. (I'm trying to cheer up after the last post)
I'll tell you the story.
--

The first time I really even glanced upon him was sometime in the first week of school.. We were getting together with the other classes in the block, therefore those not from my class were in the same room as us for a day. He caught my eye. Not instant attraction, but he looked different.
I hadn't seen him since..

I saw him again in the hallways many months later.. Again he caught my eye. I strained my neck as I walked towards the staircase, looking back with curiousity and trying to get a good look at him..
Some days later I saw him as I was leavig 2nd period, he was right at the door I was coming out of first. Tried to catch his eye, I think he looked back.

I told Weston about the whole thing. He laughed and said I was such a dork, which is a sort of compliment from him. It means I'm dumb and cute, I suppose you could say. He told me before that it's not an insult. He's fond of calling me a 'Tard' as well. Haha.. I asked what to do, he said to talk to the guy.. But I'm far too shy for that. I was thinking.. note.. and then I think, hell no. I've tried that one and failed every time. So, I decided I'd think and plan along the way. I can't do it in the evening, I'll plan according the the moment/situation.

I was in luck! We were writing an essay in the Biology room.. And it was a block meet time again. I was thinking to myself 'gah, please be assigned to this room..' and he was. I was like, 'yes!'

For three periods we were writing an essay.. The prewrite, the first, and final draft.. All of it! All in class, no preperation beforehand. So I had a lot of time to work and also in the back of my head, think.

I knew Alex D. pretty well, as he rides my bus and he's a good tapdancer. He went to my middle school, and is fairly friendly and sometimes holds a brief conversation. As an excuse to get closer to my crush, I walked back there and started talking to Alex...

I found out, from both attendance and waering memory, my crush's name is Souren. A neat name for an interesting looking guy.
My observations were only from the breif stares I managed in his direction. He has medium lenth straight dark brown hair.. A pale even toned face.. Sharp in some way, hard to explain. Just an odd face, less rounded. Blue eyes. Though it isn't my thing, it suits him. It's not cold clear blue, but a more even dark blue. Fairly tall and thin, just in general attractive to my tastes.

So, I schemed in my head a way to do something.. I wouldn't talk to him, because first of all he yawned and said "I'm so tired..", so I didn't want to make him talk. :P haha, it's the first thing I've heard him say up close. XD

Alex appeared to be Souren's friend. So on the way out I asked him if he was friends with Souren. He said yeah, pretty close friends.. And as it was five minute passing period, I said to Alex "hey, can I have your email? I need to ask you something.."
He gave it to me. Success!

After Japanese class ended in 4th period, I pondered to myself, thinking of Souren, growing lost in thought. Avoiding the students, I glanced to my side and was shocked to find him riiight next to me. I was just like 'o____o' in my head but kept walking, dodging through the crowds of students. A coincidence I think, but the timing was amazing.

Yesterday I feverishly emailed Alex, admitting that I had a crush on Souren and asking him to tell me about him, so I can know if he'd be someone I'd like in the first place.

I'm nervous because I haven't gotten a reply.. I hope I do before school starts.. otherwise I'll feel quite awkward.

All In My Head

2005-11-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

Letting my imagination run wild at the moment, I ache.

Don't act like that. Don't talk like that. Don't hurt as if it mattered. It didn't matter to you, it never truly did. So stop mourning when you were the one that hurt me.
If the crush would give you any sorrow, I shake my head. I'm moving on like you wanted me to. You told me to. Stop being so hypocritical. If I could be with you I would, but you don't love me, so it hurts. Why would you miss me? You have her. Stop wasting your time. Go away and be happy. Follow dreams like I tried to. At least yours aren't crushed.
--

Wess, you'd know. You know how it feels..! Just two days ago you went through the same hell I did. 'I love you', you love me, but all a lie. A lie. No truth, no trust, flirting behind your back and lying about who she talks to, what she does, and how she feel. You know how much it hurt.
I still ache when I think of these things. I still ache to think I was so tied up in it when there was no feeling back in the first place. What wasted words. What wasted poetry. What a waste of time.
Wasted feelings. The sweet stories you wrote.. The stories about us meeting! Why would you write this when you knew you never wanted to meet me?? Why would you write so sweetly of me when you were only stealing my heart to break it.

Why did you call me pretty when you knew what it did. I warned you the second time we ever spoke. If you don't want to be with me, tell me, if there's no chance, please break off. I told you to. Why didn't you listen..

It stings like it did to find out my first love was breaking the hearts of his many internet girlfirends from past to present. Wonderful. So I was another whore for him. I pray for you it's only two.
---

I don't want to think you hurt over me. I don't want to think you miss me. Because all it does is hurt, being confused wondering, who will you choose in the end. You love her more than anyone, so don't ever hurt over me. You made your choice.
I want to write happy giggly things about my crush. I want to brood.. and talk of becoming friends. I want a happy ending, with someone. If just friends, I don't care. When they're there in front of you, you know whether it's friendship forever or more. Never will be fooled.
--

I hope you don't hurt over me. Because you know how much it hurts me to hurt people, and to not be able to do anything about it.

I'm only doing well because I'm weary of false love. I'd rather be in ignorant bliss of giggling and becoming happy with a simple glance alone from one admired. You don't get disappointed when you can't be. You don't hurt when you don't know..
And that's all I have to say in the negative today. I hurt to think he hurts.
But after all, it's just my imagination. I know when I get like this, it's all in my head.

Good..

2005-11-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

I feel very successful and very good about myself right now..

I made no mistakes today. I helped him get over her and break up with that bitch. He said I was awesome too. ^__^ That's Weston I'm talking about.
--~--~--~--

I'm going to find out about my crush through his friend, Alex, whom I know and is nice... I have Alex's email.

My crush's name is.. Souren. Heh... I'm going to email Alex today.. I hope it goes okay..

2005-11-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

"And when you leave
You'll go away
Gone to stay
Don't feel so bad
It was nice what we had
You'll be glad

I'll miss you "

-Frente

coughs

2005-11-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

I've managed to find myself someone to crush on.. Ack. I'm not sure if it's good or bad.
I was talking to Weston, who's been needing some emotional support. I now ask him, oh no, I have a crush. Adviiice plz.
----

Tanya: course this may cause more conflict, but at least I can see who he is and it's not long distance
and at least it's obvious if he cheats of if he doesn't like me or if anything happens, ha

Weston: Haha, well good, you deserve to move on. Maybe this one will be a REAL relationship, eh? ;D

Tanya: lol, maaybe. I have lots of doubts.. I mean, he's cute, the chances are sooo slim

Weston: Oh shush

Tanya: XD buut.. first I noticed him because he had an interesting look, then I got a closer look kinda.. and then today he was right outside the LA room and our eyes caught for just a sec.. *lets out a stifled giggle* XD

Weston: -Laughs- you are such a dork, you know that?

Tanya: and I saw him again but he didn't see me, I was straining my neck on the staircase, XD
yes. lol
It musta looked funny. I was trying to walk slower so I could look, he was talking on a cellphone. The crowd of students got in the way, and he was further, and my staircase to take was right there.. so I was walking down but also looking back trying to look XDD haha It's been so long since I've had a dorky crush
I'm going to keep seeing if I can run into him.. I don't see him much, no classes, nada at all... just occasionally in the halls

Weston: Or you could, you know, introduce yourself to him

Tanya: lol *coughs* how!?
--

I'll be working on how to do that. :P

Today

2005-11-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

The touch-football wasn't as bad as I expected.
Course I felt really dumb to drop a pass, which was super short range but.. Bleh.
I had fun. It was amusing to hear them whispering when I ran and rammed someone with my hands (that sounds weird) 'she's getting the tackles down..!'
Hehe. I had fun. Nothing bad happened.
I was nearly late to class though, because it took so long for us to run back and for the light to change...
Heh. Julian was nice to me even though I screwed up, that's good. The thing is, I hate when people are pissed at you when it's just a game..

We tied both games.

Hehe, woot. *thumbs up*

Bleh

2005-11-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

Another one of those nights. But this time, by those, I don't mean sad. I mean exhausting, overwhelming.. One night I'd remember from.. 7th or 8th grade..
A night where one assignment goes on and on.. And all the rest remain unfinished even so late at night.

I spent two hours doing my math, determined to finish it.. I have a Japanese test tomorrow, a Biology test tomorrow with a tedious review sheet, an ongoing History project and soon a LA paper. So much to worry about... *sigh*

My eyes ache.. As do my fingers on my left hand, from practicing guitar again today.. I'm getting better, I'm learning what I'm doing wrong and how to improve.. My fingers are too sore for improvement, which would be pressing harder on the strings and positioning them better.

I didn't have much dinner today because I didn't like what was cooked.. I walked to Eckstein and back to pick up my little brother, fairly far.

Today in weight training and conditioning I worked harder than usual.. So I'm sore. I did thirty squats with the weight on my shoulders instead of twenty, I did thirty lift thingies.. Did forty um... lay down and put weight in your hands hanging down and bring your arms back behind your head and then back up.. And then attempted the physio-ball pushups.. Did the eight um.. leg.. stretching.. things.. Did some lifting with that machine.. Did shrugs, the weird squat and lift thing, the pushup rotating thing.. So yeah. Each thing at least eight times, at most forty times.. Usually around fifteen times each exercise...
---

Oh-god.. I just remembered.. Tomorrow, me, two other girls, and 25 boys.. are playing touch football. Greeat.. Don't kill me. Please. And don't put your hands in the wrong place. T__T I don't want to have to kill you.
Or is it Wednesday..? Maybe.. Hard to remember. I think it's tomorrow. They'd better teach me, I have no idea how to play.
:(

Epilogue

2005-11-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

From Myspace again (it's convenient for talking to friends but half the people there are stupid):

Yes, I am feeling better, so no worries. Just one of those 'arrg my god, it sucks!' nights.
I think the issues I've been keeping inside were getting under my skin and needed some sort of release, with hopes that it all won't happen again. Reassurance in any form is good.
Maybe I should blast Feel Good Inc or something.. I don't know why that song's so addicting, jeesh. I guess it's because I love odd songs and it has the best beat. Anything I can dance to I absolutely dig. Good beat+nice sounds+decent voice= great song
Pretty popular one too.. It's rare for me to like songs people have heard of.
I first heard that song... In Oregon. I was out on vacation and my awesome.. um.. my mom's cousin... .. He played it. He's so cool, he's just really funny and laughy. I got to ride an ATV for the first time and they have such a neat house.. Even though they live in the middle of nearly nowhere, it's neat. Dave and Kandas, they're a funny couple. Kandas is pale with wavy hair to her waist and looks like.. mystical nearly. She just looks like someone with crystals and astrology. Dave on the other hand looks rough with that stubbled face look and long messy hair.
Enough of the descriptions, that came kinda at random. :P
So he played it really loud in the car when we driving to the waterfall..
--

I'll get into the weird moods time to time, but I'll be okay, promise. I can and have been coping with everything that comes my way, and I can get over anything. Just takes time and strength, and though I have trouble believing it myself, I seem to have a lot of strength. I'll have those nights when I break down under the weight of all that plagues my mind heart and body, but a night's a night, and the next day will fair better.
Every sad day ends happy, every happy day ends sad. That's how my life usually goes.

Seems I've found more support than I had before, which is why I'm not writing 70 poems like I did with the first. It takes a while.. Long long while. And without a helping hand, all I do is talk to myself.

Joey and Weston, I thank those two most. Irony that they're guys. At least I can know that out there are many kind ones, but I remorse over how they seem to be everywhere but here.
Joey was there when I needed help most, and helped me leave him. Weston has always been around to lend a helping hand on nights when I was most depressed and totally crushed and in need of advice. Endless patience, such is something that I very much appreciate. Hugs to them both.

Yes, I write too much. My apologies. But it's the epilogue, I can always just blah blah blah on my blog (which is linked if you wonder where it is, sheesh, look on my main page).
Sayounara, Jaa ne, Chao, Catch ya later

2005-11-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

Oooooch.
I relate so much that it hurts. I watched TV today and the show was about moving on from mistakes and grasping reality, bonding with family even though you feel you can't relate, etc etc. Lol, I feel so dumb to relate to TV so much that it shakes me but it did. It's the one show I bother to see every week.. Otherwise I never watch TV.

But ow. Things kinda sink in a bit deeper... *sigh*

My request, is, fucking never steal my heart, anyone. Don't unless you wish me to die.
Seriously.
I'm sick of it..!

I'm sick of long-term pain and long-term tears and crying when I'm not so sad and being sad when I don't know it. I'm sick of feeling a sting and a lump at my throat at times like these, when I remember again. I'm too young. Too young too young too young, so stop dragging the hopelessly easy to use girl into this. Please.
I don't want to live a lie, no matter how short or long.
If I have to, I'll be --....
-----

I wrote this on my myspace bulletin (that place sucks):

I apologize to Weston for being emo right now, and to anyone else on my list who hates sappy-ness. I'm a very sappy person and I don't know why I let myself write a bulletin right now.
Yeah, I'm fine. Just, reflecting, and not in the best stable mind.
Okay. Waiit a second. I'm totally having a breakdown and I think it's girl issues. So ick. My mood is going up and down and up and down and I'm normally super sensitive, irritable, and moody... So you can imagine how crazy it is for me now, sunday night, with it all hitting me at once. So, I think what I have to say is both truly my thoughts, but definitely dramatized.

Good, writing calms me down. Anyways..
What I was going to say was.. Well now that I'm not feeling as tear-out-hair-ish, it sounds weird in context. Here's what I would say ten minutes ago:
"I have a request for you all.. I want you to fucking be sure, do not let anyone steal my heart. Right now I realized, I'm still going through some long term stress and depression from the last, which was what.. Two weeks ago.... The one before that.. about two years... I just want you all to... er... What am I saying. Half of you can't do anything. But.. I wish to say it even so. I'm sick and tired of being used. I really am. I am the most usable girl there is... Seriously. In my life, I've never even effin known a boy. I'm not kidding. Aside from Andy, who was like a brother to me, my childhood friend. But we lost contact some years ago...
I'm also, hopeless romantic. Woonderful combination.. Inability to meet new friends, inability to meet guys, and being so strange and such a loser that even when I meet them, they tend to not like me. The goody goody that never speaks. I know..
Such is a part of me, such I can't change. I'm taking medication for social anxiety disorder, thought I'd say so you'd understand, and the 'friends' of mine here are enough friends, or if strangers, I don't really care. I'm not asking for pity, I'm asking to be understood.
This makes everything extremely hard for me.. Noise, sounds, people, being surrounded as I wait for the bus.. It makes me feel sick and I wait to the side even though I want to be with my friends who wait outside the gates.. But I choose to disappoint and loss of company to prevent another headache for the long one on the bus with the stupid, stupid freshmen boys. I hate boys. Yeah, that's the problem. They're immature.. Half of them like sports, like a lot of mindless things, or are perverts. Either that or they're rude and all they care about is sex. I'm not saying all are like that, just half. :) Only a rare few like me, or are anything near the same..
Anyways, as I have so much trouble meeting people, when I find someone who likes me and cares about me.. Well damn! I cling like a leech. I spill out every inner thought I keep inside and never can say (as there's no one to talk to) and write more poetry and once again gain the confidence I thought was thrown far out long ago.
This is something that I try to hang onto, with everything I have. Even when I know it's a stupid dream, I hang on.. And when it ends, I drown.

Long-distance relationships. I've never had anything else. I know it's stupid. But it's the only way it's ever worked.
But did it work? No.. Honestly.. But it did last for quite a while, give many smiles and make what I thought would be lifelong friends.. If the complications of my emotions didn't get in the way, they would be.
The thing is, I never want it to happen again. I don't want to go ga-ga for another kind but stupid person. Someone who can't make up their mind.
It happened fucking TWICE!!!
He loves her, not me, that's how it happened twice. So I'm sick of love and all that crap. Because when I love, it's just dumb. It's not real, it has too much hope, and I lose a part of myself in it all. In a daydream.

Therefore, I want anyone to cares, to stop me next time. I don't care how..

I want you to give me a good slap if I fall in love again this year, next year, or the next. I don't want to again, and I know this well, you now know too.
So help me live and not love, so I'll be okay"

And that's my message.
I'm not gunna get hurt over stupid things anymore.

Guitar Lessons

2005-11-20T17:06:00.000-08:00

The first song I learned for guitar.. Halah by Mazzy Star.

Today I had my first guitar lesson. My teacher is great so I'm quite satisfied with my choice... Very mellow and nice. Also, he knows of most of the bands I listen to. Upon sitting down in the little room, he asked if I recognized 'this' song and played on his guitar. I said no. He said it was a classic played on the radio a lot, so I said, oh, I don't really listen to the radio much. So he asked what I listen to. I said I liked Mazzy Star. He said, oh, he knows one of their songs.. He paused to try to remember it and started playing, and it at once sounded familiar. "oh! That song.. what was it called..?" "I think it's called.. Hallah?" "Yeah, that's right." He strummed for a while and I was surprised to hear him sing.
"Surely don't stay long, I'm missing you now... It's like I told you I'm over you somehow.. Before I close the door, I need to hear you say goodbye. Baby won't you change your mind?"
His voice was well maintained and could go surprisingly high for a man of his age (not old but not young). Sounded quite pretty. Motivation indeed, to sound that good.

He taught me my first chords.. C, G, F, etc.. And I tried them out and slowly memorized them. After about 45 minutes my fingers were hurting, but it'll just take adjusting. He gave me things to practice at home.. Will be good practice for me.
Mmmhm...

Yorda Cosplay

2005-11-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

I noted people came to my blog googling Ico cosplay, and I realized, omg, did I even post pictures here..?? I don't think I did. So I'll post one..
More later.

Yay for Ico..! Tis one of my favorite games. :) Yeah, wore this on Halloween..

Multiply

2005-11-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

Hiya again...

As much as I loath advertisement.. A little now. I just joined Multiply and it's a cool site... Because it's a place where you can share pictures, music, videos, a journal, etc... Very clean, not at all like a teen popularity contest like myspace.. Just a place to share things with close friends and family..

I love taking pictures as you all know, so if you wanna look around.. Well.. the thing is, I don't want public to be ripping my pics and using them to mock me somehow, lol.. Like on 4-chan or something, you never know.. So I have it set so only people who are my friend can see it.

So if you'd like to join and friend me that'd be nice.. I'd love to share some odd music I like and for you guys to see my other pictures etc if you want..
So feel free if you like..

My site is here: http://7anya.multiply.com/photos/

easy to remember..

Yuppers.. If you join, enjoy.. It's pretty fun and nice so far.

Soon Home

2005-11-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

My brother comes home in about an hour... Wow.
I can't wait for him to come home.. To help me with homework, so I can watch him play video games.. :) It's been so long.. I haven't seen him for three months.

I really want to learn how to play and sing Most Beautiful by Frente..
"Wide open eye.. You serious? you delirious? Kissing chaos. Have you got a heart? You could really lose at the super people mart, you are the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beau-ti-ful thing.. is.. When I hear your heart beat... beat.. beat..
Will humans be.. Dumb and free or some amazing ca-ta-stro-phe..? Never too scared to bare to care to running to the riot where the moment meets the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beautiful thing.. is... Something, new I, don't know why.. I know, all there is, I know. Something, new I, don't know why. I know all there is, I know.. Lalallalalalala...
Where is your how? Holding up your frown, a prop to stop you smiling now... Heaven or the heather or the miracles of weather, but you listen to the most beau-ti-ful thing I know.. And the most beau-ti-ful thing, darling.. Is when I hear your heart beat.. beat... beat.. beat.. Is when I hear your heart.."

I like that song, fun to sing.. Fun to do 'the most.. bea-..ti-..ful thing I know..'
Now if only I could play guitar.. Well, working on it..

I guess I should clean huh.. Mm. I wish I didn't have so much to do..

Life

2005-11-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow my older brother Alex comes over for about a week to visit..
It's been months. I'm excited to show him the new video games and to get an uber hug.
During the three day weekend they went to visit him, but I stayed home. So he'd better miss me, haha.

Today at 3:10 we went to meet the guy who may be giving me guitar lessons. Upon first impression my mom was like 'ooh great', just seeing him walk up with a dog and weird sideburns and a beard. XD But, upon talking to him, he was quite nice. For sure I'm going to take lessons with him. He sounds easy-going and interesting, and he was talking about how his prices were lower, how his conscience wouldn't leave him be if he brought up the prices to meet what they are at most places, because he thinks they charge too much. So he's a good person too. I start Saturday, one hour lessons once a week.

My Nana visited today.. I showed them my guitar and they were pleased. Gramps said I looked to have the fingers for it, etc etc.

And I'm tired now.. It's my bedtime, and I still have homework.

...... Cute makes happy?

2005-11-15T22:55:00.000-08:00

Stuff I Shouldn't Think About

2005-11-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't think.. It makes my head hurt and eyes ache.. Makes my fingers tingle and my heart cry.

Why? : http://www.deviantart.com/view/17898348/

That picture bothers me right now. Really does. Makes me a lot more tired and makes me fo.. rg... et how life continues...

........ *sigh* God do I need those lessons or something to start.. I need to just.. stop thinking. When you have too much time to think you die inside.

Song of a Lonely Mockingbird

2005-11-14T23:05:00.000-08:00

Mmmmm..
Twelve nights ago in bed I lay
happy girl whose smiles lit day
and between my eyes and far away
for every smile I'd hope and pray
that once, please, that once I may
meet him, strange in many ways

between the clouds and past the sun
my mind would play
and my soul would run
to daydreams that spread open arms
and promised me
never to harm

But not all word may be kept
and not all tears are held inside,
I wept
and wings of hope
and what was dreams
that lit the day and little things
fell away with each of feathers
and then came gloom and stormy weather
to dampen any sprit
and to carve hollow in songs,
you'd hear it..
And so I'll sing of lonely mockingbird
who holds and flies on every word
that would keep warm upon a winter's night....
---

I guess I could sing this when I learn to play guitar.. My first song?

Old People Are Cool

2005-11-14T16:47:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the retirement home. I was shown the 'computer lab' which was more a little corner by the stairway of five computers. Jeesh.. They run fairly well though, besides the frequent crashes. I was introduced by the guy who runs the home, and we talked a bit and such. He's nice. Talks slowly, I noted. It was interesting watching the old people wandering around, one petting a cat, another giving me a stare as he moved slowly across the hall. I think I'd work better with old people, as they're slow and quiet, while children are energetic and noisy. A calm atmosphere would be good for me to work in, as excessive noise stresses me out. Also I feel unintimidated by them, as they seem fairly calm and patient. The manager described them as like 'puppies' which was funny to picture. Anyways.. You don't actually have to know much. Just how to do the basic things of the computer.. And be willing to teach the old ones how. Which I indeed am.
I got introduced to Don, the computer guy, a man with a large belly and missing teeth with big glasses. I wasn't intimidated by the not so pleasant appearance of these people, because I know that it's just age, it doesn't mean much. He seemed to know what he was doing, and said he learned it all from a book, which I found surprising.
I started up a log in and tested it out, and it was quite simple.
I said I will be working there eventually for sure.

I'm looking forward to working there because I'd much like to talk and help out the elderly, as I don't really talk much and I like to feel like I'm helping.. I like to hear people's stories too.
I could run an art class or something, anything, too. And I noted on the bulletin board that if they were feeling lonely they could have a volunteer 'friend' to keep them company. That'd be fun. Anyways, I'll enjoy this.
-Tanya

Yay for Mom

2005-11-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

Hurray for her. She's been busy today finding answers to things I needed done.
Such as.. I need to find a place to volunteer, and I need to find guitar lessons.

She found two places to volunteer. Ten Thousand Villages, a shop, and an old folks' home. Why an old folks' home? Because in kindergarten I remember reading my leprechaun story to people there, and I enjoyed it. There was one man with a wooden leg, and a lady who was blind whom I remember most well.
She actually found the place and asked around, and found they needed computer help. She asked and the guy said it was fairly simple, just some of them have no clue how to use them and are afraid to mess things up. So I may try there just to see how it is.

Also, she emailed one of the guitar teachers.. So I'll get into lessons eventually.

From Far Away Lands

2005-11-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

Weston, 17 status: unknown, location: South--forgotten :P
Paul, 29 status: computer guy, location: Illinois
Joey, 16/17? status: angel, location: forgotten
Jaclyn, 19 status: unknown, location: unknown
Nikhil, 17? status: student, location: India
Renan, (age forgotten) status: ---, location: France (?)
Zac, 16? status: part time job/student, location: forgotten
Ariel, 15? status: art student, location: California
'Zandry', 15 status: 'ex', location: British Columbia

These are my internet friends.

Who do I talk to most?
Zandry, as of two days ago, no longer.
Weston is first, Joey is second, Paul is third, Jaclyn is fourth, Nikhil is fifth, Ariel is sixth, Zac is 7th, Renan is 8th

My Body, My Life, and My BODY HAIR

2005-11-13T23:54:00.000-08:00

Yes. I've made the 'uncanny' decision to stop the nasty habit. Shaving. Such something I do not need to do, but do for the sake of men's eyes, which I happen to not care the least about. Why did I shave in the first place? With belief that it actually mattered. It doesn't. It shouldn't. And any guy who cares won't be the one for me.

We have hair for insolation. It's winter. I don't wear shorts, I don't wear skirts, so who cares. I'm boyish, very boyish. Doesn't hurt.

And I may as well have my legs match my lovely hairy arms, which I've been taught to loath. Sadly I do. But some see this as a good thing, surprisingly. I was dumbfounded at that my grandma was not complimenting my eyes, lips, face.. But my arms. She motioned to her bare hairless arms and said she wish they were like mine. I gave her an odd look for that. So if I can have hairy arms, why can't I have hairy legs?

I'm not going out, I just 'broke up' with the person I was never with in the first place, who neither could see me or hear me, nor love me.
Therefore, why the hell am I shaving? I don't appeal to guys at all, no guys like me, date me, or even talk to me, so why bother trying..? If it's for the sake of other girls and matching them, that's also something I don't want to do.

Maybe after a few weeks I'll parade around in a short skirt. Lovely legs, figure, but oh god, hair. Hair, omfg. Boys, shut up, get used to it, I'm naturally that way and there's nothing wrong with it. If any of you guys actually looked at me or talked to me maybe I'd change my mind, but considering they don't care, I won't care what they care about.

Though I'm giving up on my legs, underarm is an absolute no on not shaving. Because, to remain feeling clean and at all feminine, I've got to keep at least that up.
But gooodbye wasting an extra ten or so minutes trying to shave. *whistles*

Did you know that two weeks ago, a guy asked me if I was a girl? For god's sake.. I have a girl's face, lips, eyes.. I have hips, I have fine legs.. Sheesh. Just because you don't get to stare at my boobs doesn't mean I'm a boy. (I have no boobs) And just because my hair isn't to my shoulders doesn't mean it either. *shakes head*
I'm not ugly. I'm just not girly. And that's all there is to it. Maybe I'm just a feminine guy to them. Interesting. Maybe taking weight training makes me a dyke to them. Greeat.
But whatever.

To hell with a man's standards. We have to cook, clean, give birth, take care of the children... We have to be beautiful and not age, we have to be sexy and we have to wear painful shoes. We have to be all they can't. We have to not be lazy, we have to do far too much for them. Therefore, to hell with it. I'm never doing that, ever. I'll be what society calls ugly, and I'll enjoy every minute of my freedom. I'll roll in the grass and ruin my pants, I'll never wear jeans, I'll wear plain tshirts, I'll never shave and I'll dye my hair, someday shave my head. And such will be heaven.

Yesterday and the Day Before

2005-11-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

An acoustic guitar....

Joey, the angel, helped me out on a bad day. Basically the last of dreams faded, and I was once again betrayed by hope. I didn't know what he was really until that day. I don't believe in god, I don't believe in angels, yet somehow it's all convincing. Or maybe I just need something that I can believe just to keep me going. If he's not an angel, he's a pure genius, kind and living his life to save all he can. A real angel or not, such a title would be one he'd deserve.
Claims they've been talking about me. I wonder what they'd say. I needed help huh..?

Now I've been rendered to empty, with the loss of another friend and dream.

I told my mom the news. She decided, she's got to help me by finding me a way out. Something to do, something to concentrate on...
So, we search for a guitar.

We look around for a good store, and ask one and they recommend Dusty Strings.. We go there.
Of course we're oblivious to what exactly we're looking for... I've never even touched a guitar in my life. I know I want an acoustic one though. I've listened to Frente and Alison Moyet, and the acoustic songs are always beautiful. I like the sound of acoustic as well..
The lady who works there shows us different kinds, and the one I like best is the 'cherry wood' acoustic guitar... Warm colored and light, good size and feel.
The lady teaches me different chords.. She says I'm doing well for it being the first time. The other person who works there decided what size would be good, and teaches me some simple songs and how the guitar works in general. I love the sound and I ask my mom if I can please please have it. She hesitates but says okay.. because she bought my little brother a very expensive drum set, so it's my turn. It wasn't terribly expensive, just a little more than she'd want to pay when I didn't know how to play. I'm really eager to learn how, and want to take lessons as soon as possible.. So we just have to find some local people who teach it and I'll get going.
I love having a guitar in the case on my back, just feels neat... I can't wait till I can play things..

Empty With Cranes

2005-11-13T00:03:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and empty.
Therefore depressed. Depressed without the sadness. Just that feeling you get that all is hopeless. That nothing in life is for you, that no one really cares nor would. And when they do, it never works. It only brings pain, and false happiness.

are you gone
did you just fly away
the sun is gone away
and I can't seem to find my way

are you gone
just like in dreams you said
and dreams should never die
and I just want to hide away
---
Maybe I'll glow..
And tap my toe
But somehow I know
I will feel low

Maybe I'll laugh...
Maybe I'll smile
And we'll have fun
For a little while

..But when I go
When there's no Hello
Somehow I know
I will feel low

The sun will rise
High in the sky
And maybe I'll grow
But today I feel low..
----
I feel those days without end
when we used to be friends
those summer days were spent
in search of hope and happiness

we used to while away our days
in a beautiful haze
I guess I knew one day
that you'd be moving long away

you said go back to your dream
back to your wilderness
go back along the walk
maybe you'll find some happiness

I wept a thousand tears for you
for my love that came true
and soon I realized
I'd always dreamt it'd come to this

And though that time passes by
and that our lives have changed
but our love was special
our love was strange

And though my heart broke
in time it did mend
except when I think about the time
that we used to be friends
----
There's a bright full moon in a sky of jewels
To light the way for all God's fools
There's a beaten path towards the truth
Way past the clouds on the road through youth

...So tired now as she walks down the road
For the burden of love is a heavy load
Through the forest so.. her soul to wring
For she knows it
DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING...

...Years go by... now is then
The sun will rise and fall again
for who she waits ...she does not know
Maybe love...Maybe hope

Yeah she's just waiting for the bells to ring
For her heart to cry and her soul to sing
Why ! Listen to the sound of the angel wings !
Let's just see what the angles bring...

Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?

One slots out and another slots in
They'll stick when it's thick
Then they'll split ...

Did it mean anything ?
Did it mean anything ?

All lyrics are by the Cranes.

2005-11-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed.. Appalled...

So they haven't forgotten me...

I felt I was completely alone.. But I'm being watched over..

2005-11-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

Tears again. Deceived again and again and again and again

Every happy day of my life ends sad....... ... Tears

Love me, and only me. And never lie. Never lie. Never ever lie. Never steal my heart when it's not the one you want.
Lead me on you have.. It's all you did. False love, false dreams, false care.

No one loves me. No one thinks I'm pretty. And no one would pay me any mind.. Lying about this does nothing but hurt.
Following the only one who pretends this is true is worse a fate.
---

I see someone who has all the same interests. The same mind, the same eyes, everything I ever wanted. Romantic, wonderful, sweet.. And I find, I may never have him. Nothing hurts more. And when I believed I could have him, the news is sprung. I love her not you. You waited for me in vain. Nothing hurts more.

A heart without a home.

Love

2005-11-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

Your voice, your eyes...

...your hands, your lips...

Our silences, our words...

Light that goes...

...light that returns

A single smile between us both

In quest of knowledge...

...I watched night create day...

...while we seemed unchanged

O beloved of all, beloved of one alone...

..your mouth silently promised to be happy

Away, away, says hate; never, never, says love

A caress leads us from our childhood

Increasingly I see the human form...

...as a lover’s dialogue

The heart has but one mouth

Everything ordered by chance

All words without aforethought

Sentiments adrift

Men roam the city

A glance, a word

Because I love you

Everything moves

To live, only advance!

Aim straight for those you love

I went towards you, endlessly towards the light

If you smile, it is to enfold me all the better

The rays of your arms pierce the mist

-Alphaville (1965)

Giiiirly Day

2005-11-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

Very very giiirly.. Haha.

One word. Pedicure. Like, totally, yes. Hahah. Oh gawd. -__-;

Anyway..
Last year for my birthday my parents bought me a basket of bath products from a school auction, and it was mostly foot stuff (I hate feet) and one thing was a freaking 45 dollar pedicure gift certificate! What the f--!
I put it off the rest of school and all summer, and now decided to do it before it expired. I've never had a pedicure before. Beeecause, I hate feet. I was emotionally scarred from my brothers' smelly feet with athlete's foot and peeling and nastiness.. So I have this icky thing with feet. Feet are gross, smelly, and gross-.. Yeah. I can't stand them. If they use my blanket and their feet touch it I refuse to use it afterwards. And I hate when I'm sitting in the morning barefoot and someone's freezing cold foot brushes against my ankle. It's like, ahhhhh...
Yeah, enough about my foot phobia..

So damn. 45 dollars.. what the hell are they going to do to me? Haha.. Like an hour's worth.. *twitches* I hope I'm not super ticklish or something.

This morning I was really grumpy. My hair was a greasy rat's nest and I was curled up under my covers, unwilling to come out as I was annoyed at my little brother, who had a friend over for a sleepover.
I waddled upstairs to look around DA and junk and felt miserable.
I went back to bed because I didn't want to be around Carson.

Mom came down, I told her through chat (though we were across the room from each other, ha) that I was grumpy.

And why my mom is the best mom in the world...

She gave me breakfast in bed.. ^__^ Make eggs and toast and hot chocolate and orange juice in a wine glass, hahah.. And a potted plant..
And then she set up a freaking candle-lit bath for me. O__o... .. Huh.
I gave her many hugs.
She does this randomly about once every four months or so..
She french-braided my hair and we went to the mall to look for a rug because my room's rug is gray and I was thinking it'd be nice to have something more.. warm..
I dressed up in my very cool shiny dress.. It's a costume but I like to wear it. It shinnes.. Everyone stared as I walked by, and it was really fun.
Some months ago I managed to spill a very large drink of pop all over the table at the food court, but today my mom did. I found that funny. Her turn!
Mom did the 'hold up hand test' and found I was shaking more than usual. "damn, the meds aren't working huh.." I shrug.
I have fun weaving between the booths in the middle, avoiding advertisers that harass you to buy their crap. I find it fun. It's a dodging game. "HAHA~! I dodged another one!"
People selling cellphones (I don't have one and don't want one) and useless stuff...
So I had fun today. It was raining hard but I enjoyed myself.
(I was writing this before I tried the pedicure)

Soo.. That was interesting. It was fine except that I had a hell of a time trying to keep my toes still. It's like, arg.. It's like trying to keep my hands still! My hands shake a little constantly, and trying just makes it worse. Same with my feet, it seems. I felt sickeningly girly afterwards. Crimson toenails and walking into a 7-11. A guy grinned at me upon entry. Mom said I was 'glowing', that I should wear my hair like this everyday. I was also wearing a white skirt (Zandry, do you remember that? *laughs* I do) and a light gray jacket with a gray shirt, I dunno, just slightly angelic. Especially with my hair like this.. I swear it makes me even more innocent and earthy looking. I really like it.

So.. It was good. I had an interesting conversation with the pedicure lady... She randomly blurted, 'so, do you have a boyfriend?' and I laughed and said no, not yet. She told me about her last boyfriend.. Said he had long thick hair to his waist and liked 'romping with the fay'. I was thinking, 'OH MY GOD! Who is he? Damn!' because I love fairies and earthy stuff and guys with long hair are positively beautiful.. Especially to their waist. ^___^ He literally believed in fairies though, which I found interesting. Fairies are wonderful.. Mischievous.
The lady was quite homely and nice, so I was comfortable, though she mentioned how I was not. Indeed. Trying to keep my legs from shaking and toes still and trying not to think was hard. I can't really nap when I'm trying to keep still.
Afterwards my legs felt similar to jello and I was trying to keep from being shaky.

Anyway.. Was a good day. Girly.. It's scary. Girls are scary. Feeling like a girl is scarier.. o__o Weird.
--

By the way I feel similar to a frightened doe right now..

Stress

2005-11-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

I wish Carson wouldn't have friends spend the night.... I wish he wouldn't take up my only three day weekend. It stresses me out. I have to watch my image, comb my hair, I can't be myself. I can't walk out of my room in pajamas without feeling odd. Can't sing, can't play music, can't dance, can't laugh. I hate it. I can't watch things without him crowding behind me with his friend to see what I'm doing. I can't watch funny Japanese TV shows without the worry that it may show too much breast or maybe it has bad language. Such things don't matter to a girl, but to a little brother it's not good to see.
I hate this.. I had a bad dream too. I dreamt my parents were arguing, my mom brought someone over whom she'd only just met... ....... Sigh sigh sigh.
Carson's ten times as loud and annoying. He hums to himself and it all gives me a headache. I haven't taken a shower so I feel like a slob and worry what they think.
I have social anxiety for christ's sake.. I worry how people see me, what I say, and when people come over it completely ruins any comfort I have that day.
I get paranoid, if I find a cute drawing of a couple I can't look at it, I can't think, I can't write much, I can't look at a picture of Zandry if I wanted to because I'd worry that someone would see, I can't do anything.
I loath this.

Mouthed Tastes and Thirst to Yearn

2005-11-11T01:09:00.000-08:00

Sweet candied mouth. Tongue joyed of taste to thirst. Thirst for more than drink. Eyes linger on pretty things that warm inside and flow to heart. Feelings imagined as close as possible. Warmth, flesh, closer than close. Only like the touch of a hand is as far as thoughts reach. Sweetness savored. Lips fold to discontent. How far and how long. Saved for one. And fear of what to be lost that hasn't been earned. How long my mind has saved me. How long it provides what is not taken nor given, nor felt. Years of your wishes may be seen with faded faces and blurred images. Forever changing, forever reverberating inside. Black to brown to pale to deep.. Thin to bold to tall to dark.. Gentle to harsh to sweet to dangerous. How long shall it last me. One side cannot give. One side cannot satisfy. Unpredictable is only what is given, not what is taken from the so predictable. ...

.. How long..? Sweetness fades with what was simply sour, from the inside out. Warmth cannot branch within those who are rendered cold by all around them. No trust can remain for oneself when it is not known that it is true. Reassurance. Make it honest and make it glow. Make it truth. Only another does. Our eyes, blind to ourselves, but give me eyes and I can see. Give me your eyes to mouth to save what's left and melt the lies...

Pale Leaf, Pink Sweet, Persephone... Awesome Day

2005-11-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

*whistles*

When I start imagining hearing Ivo then I know I want to listen to it. Title is some of the lyrics.
I absolutely adore Cocteau Twins. Pitch the Baby is great. And Carolyn's Fingers.... How I love her amazing and incomprehensible voice.
I think Pitch the Baby is my favorite song now. With Cherry Coloured Funk and Alice.. Those three are really fun to listen to. They have soo many songs I can't believe I missed Pitch the Baby, it's so pretty.
<3

Today was awesome..!!!! I must say. The last day of the quarter ended with a bang.

In the morning I carried all my crap (a bag of green apples, textbooks in a bookbag, my backpack, and my lunchbox) to the Biology room and then went down to the custodian. My mom was making me get a locker. Which, is understandable. My idiot older brother whom I followed directions of told me not to get one. Well, last year I didn't, and it was perfectly fine. But this year we have so many textbooks..
I go down there and find it successfully, which I'm glad of.. I run into the custodian who had just come down and get a locker. My combination is quite easy. I decide to find my locker later during lunch. It's on the third floor.

In biology we all conducted a taste test. I brought green apples and we were seeing if salt really did make it less bitter. I didn't know I'd need four apples, glad I got extra. So I kept track of it and then went around and tried everything.. The by far grossest one was grapefruit. I'm picky, and it was bitter. That was okay, but..... I nearly gagged when I had it with salt. I couldn't swallow it, I ended up eventually spitting it in the garbage. So incredibly gross.... But it wasn't as bitter. Still really really nasty. I had a carrot and the flavor still lingered so I continued to munch on it till I didn't feel like choking.

In second period, we did NOTHING! Mr. Ehrich, I salute you. We delivered the Roosevelt High School newspapers to all the classrooms instead of anything we'd be doing that day. I kept quiet and didn't deliver because I don't know the school well enough and would get lost easily. He noticed me when everyone but about three were gone, and he said "Kept a low profile so you wouldn't have to go? I bet at home when they give out chores you just keep quiet and end up not doing them" I laugh. "Nah, I was afraid I'd get lost, I'm not good at finding my way around" "riiight.. I know your type.." Haha.
He actually called Courtney fat today!!! She was eating a bag of chips from the taste test, and he said "no wonder you're so fat" We were all so shocked that we cracked up. She's not fat though, so it's okay. Mr. Ehrich is the most satirical person I've ever met. He's really opinionated. He told Alex (girl) not to go to see the Rolling Stones, that she should support new local bands. Also we were looking at pictures of the White House, and someone asked if it'd be called the Black House if a black guy ever became president. Then he showed a picture "..and this would be what the Black House would look like" An ornate black building. We all laugh.
So today we passed out the newspapers, and afterwards.. He told us "we were going to have a quiz today, but because you passed out the papers, we won't do it" I was so so happy!! I was surprised he didn't give me one just to be mean because I didn't.

In third period, we had a firedrill. I heard someone threw firecrackers, according to Alex (guy).
We all went outside and it wasn't that cold. Either that or I'm immune now that I'm used to running in the cold and rain. When we got back we discussed topics etc etc... Nothing interesting.

Then I had lunch. I sat down in the commons as I usually do. The commons is a little room to the side of the lunchroom, connected with two double doors, just separate. It's more quiet there and the smell of school lunches is less bothersome. I sit with Sophie, Stephanie, sometimes Lex, Sonia, and now Artemisa.
Artemisa is my new freshman friend. I like her a lot. I actually had a dream of her last night. I dreamt she had a swimming pool and I came over to swim. I told her this and she laughed and said she wished she had a pool and wished I would come swim in it.
Artemisa is part Italian I found, just as I thought. She lived in Italy for a few years recently. She showed me her page of notes (band) and I said it looked tricky, but only because I have no idea how to read those. She said she didn't either in a way, because in Italy the note system is different, but close enough to not ruin it. I chuckle.
I went to Artemisa's house on Halloween, her mom likes me. She blabbed on the phone with my mom and mentioned how I'm quite pretty. (damn it Zandry, stop being right )
What's funny about Artemisa is that she's been wearing bright pink all week. Just like neon. Luckily not baby pink, but more of a dark pink. She always wears a little matching lipstick, which is fine because she's no makeup addict, just likes to look fresh. She always wears neat clothes (as in clean and pretty). Matching always and never messy. I would never be able to do that every day. She has a red Hello Kitty lunchbox. She said it's from kindergarten, and she still has it. Lex likes it, we all do. It has the canteen that pours into a lid that's a cup and all that neat stuff I remember. She always seems to have leftover dinners in her lunch.

Lex sat with us today, and he painted his nails again. It's a slight yellow-gold, kinda a pretty lemony color. He says "It's the only one I can weasel from my sister". I ask how old his sister is, and he says she's in 8th grade. I laugh and say that's amusing. Lex is a year older than us. He says to Artemisa, "it's scary that you're only a year older than her, I see her as so young" I know the feeling.

I don't stay long today because I had a lot to study, and wanted to test my locker out. I say goodbye early after eating most of my lunch, and depart.
I go upstairs and the hallways are fairly empty, which is always nice. And no one, unlike in middle school, bothers you for being at your locker early. It's nice.
I go find it.. Number 529. I have trouble finding it at first, I know I'm in the general area but don't know which side it's on. After a little while I find it. It's PERFECT!
I have trouble opening it the first time. The thing you turn is slick and loose compared to the old locks I remember having. I figure out how to open it, ends up it's really quick and takes a violent stop to get it right, haha. It's just you're at the last number right away, unlike you'd expect.
I open it and I feel relieved to have my own little space to put crap in for once. I unload my textbooks in there and my backpack feels ten times as light.
I keep my Japanese textbook and workbook with me.
The reason why the locker is perfect, is because its location. It's right next to the hallway with two of my classes, and on the same floor as my first class, Biology. Just to the left is my Math class, and next to that one is my Japanese class. It's great. So I can grab my books last minute.

I put it all away and close my locker, putting on the lock wrong at first (you know how it goes backwards and you're like, 'whoops')..
I go to the left to my Japanese class. The door is open.
The T.A., Alan, is eating lunch in there again with his friend whom I don't know the name of. The other person there is a guy who I think is Ben who wrote he'd help me in Japanese on the desk in math class. I just need to get the guts to ask if it's him.
I think it's him because he's blonde and American looking but speaks really good Japanese. He talks conversations to the Japanese student. He said he used to live in Japan, when we were talking on the desk (writing on the desk every now and then).
Sadly I got moved in math class, therefore I no longer can talk. What's funny is I found out my friend Malia (I only know her a little, dunno if that's the right spelling) was sitting at that desk too.
I sit down and open my composition notebook and read over the sentences. It's really nice of sensei... Last test we took nearly everyone failed. I think I got 45 out of 100. Artemisa got like a 16. Malia got 84. Sensei said we could take an extra test today that would replace last test's score.
She actually gave us all the test questions and answers. We worked it out in class, she gave us the English, we translated them to Japanese. We learned the te form and te imasu. The way to make a verb a current action.
Also we have our normal vocab quiz. 30 words today. I studied that too. The words I needed to study were.. 'to type', 'is fat' (lol), 'is skinny', and 'is old'.
I also was in a mad rush to memorize the kanji for tabemasu (to eat).. Also words like 'new' and 'to play' and 'supermarket' (in katakana).. Because we lose a lot of points just for little mistakes, and I didn't know those words. Also 'to be married' etc..
Sentences were.. 'My older sister was married.', 'My dad has a new BMW', 'My mom works at the supermarket', 'My little brother is playing outside', 'Did you eat breakfast this morning?' 'Do you know this Japanese song?', and 'I'm living in Tokyo'.
To live is sundeimasu.. or something. I dunno.. Song is uta.. Breakfast is asagohan.. Married is kekonshimasu... To play is Asobimasu.. To work is haterashi..? Maybe.
I think I aced it as long as I didn't make some dumb mistake. Also with the vocab. I'm so glad.

Before class I sat down near the back as the T.A. was in my seat. I studied and Rich sat down next to me because he sat over there. He asked if I was ready and I said no, I need to study a bit more. He asked if I had first lunch, and I said yeah. (I now realize that's an odd question because we all have first lunch, being in that class). I said I ate in the commons. He said I should go down with him and.. Maybe he said Marshall? Or just him and people in general.. To Taco Del Mar sometime. I said yeah, maybe so. I asked where they meet and he said just outside. I don't like Taco Del Mar but at least I'd get out of the school for a bit.
Rich is okay, just a normal peer. He was cracking up over Star Wars episode three yesterday. He was telling me how it was hilarious how it was like Frankenstein when Anniken (can't spell) became Darth Vader.. And how it was like "Is my wife alright?" "You killed her in your anger" "Nooooooooooooooooooo-!!!!" and that it was hilarious.
He sits in the same group in Biology. I have a nice group. It's Charlie, Sarah M. , and him. I like all of them. Sarah's pretty nice and talks to me sometimes and Charlie is amusing. Rich is an average student. Sometimes funny, sometimes annoying, in general not the best student but okay. He doesn't bother me so I'm fine with him. Occasionally he tries to mooch off answers but everyone seems to do that sometimes. He thinks I'm smart, because he said "You know, you're like the quiet person who knows absolutely everything but never says it. Like the silent genius kid" That made me laugh. That was one of the first time he really said anything to me directly.
We sit and both go over the Japanese in our notebooks, and read aloud mostly in unison.

When Japanese class started, I moved back to my seat. I'm happy because I sit with Artemisa and Malia. Malia is a really nice girl. She's quite quiet but gets hyper like me, and we all had a doodle session together on the back of her paper. She draws cute funny pictures. Artemisa has a little dress designing obsession, she designs wedding dresses and I see her doodling occasionally. They're both freshmen, I'm a sophomore. Because they took Japanese in middle school, I didn't. This is second year Japanese.
I study and say I'm nervous, bobbing my leg. I go over the words in my head.
Tashibu knows everyone's a pretty bad cheater (most of us anyway..) so she passes out the 'great wall of Tashibu' to everyone. Basically a large piece of folding cardboard. Malia is once again in the 'insane asylum', as we call it, because she's secluded in the little cardboard prison. Last time she doodled all over the inside. Tashibu mentioned not to do it this time with a chuckle. We grin. I say I'm going to 'scale the great wall of Tashibu' at some point, forget why. She passes out tests and I do fairly well, but don't remember how to write the heading in Kanji. Oh well.

So she lets us out five minutes early... Very nice of her. I go to my locker again and get stuff.
Then I have weight training and conditioning. I'm one of two girls in the class. I change early and then go around the gym to the entry to the boys' locker room. The locker rooms both have staircases. I wait at the top. The door to the gym is locked again, so the guys are crowding the top of the staircase. I wait outside for a while, as I'm fine, even just wearing my tshirt and sweatpants. When they leave I open the door and go in. No one pays me any mind, and I wait. About ten minutes after the bell for class to start rings they finally finish changing. I usually wait at the top. Lex says hello to me, and sometimes tells me if it's all clear to go down. Sometimes I go down and into the boy's locker room, because Mr. Katinas has little lectures and tells what we're doing. I go in and note they're making a lot of noise. I Julian what's going on. He says instead of running we have a free day today. Ahaaa.. No wonder. That was great news. We all go up and into the gym. We find it's actually occupied with people doing a test, and Montzingo (the midget ^ ^) apologizes, saying he forgot. We do our warm up exercises in the very cramped hallway between the two sections of the gym. 'High knees', 'butt kicks' (lol, well, that is what they kinda are), 'straight leg skips', 'hand-walks', etc..
When the people are done doing the quiz in the gym (other class) we go in. Most people play basketball, others play soccer. The other half of the gym plays badminton, which is Montzingo's class (individual sports). I don't feel like doing anything and am sore, so I sit down. After a while I think of a question. I go up to Mr. Katnias and Montzingo who are talking, and ask if I can take weight training for two semesters in a row. Katinas says I can, but he won't be teaching it next semester. He says Montzingo will during first and second period. He says "oh yes, and I know Tanya, she was in my individual sports class last year". Then he says "There are two girls in each of my weight training classes, it's great.." Katinas agrees. "They work so much harder than the boys! If I could I'd take a whole class of the girls, because they're so impressive" "And they have the best form" Katinas adds. I laugh.
I go back to sit down. Some minutes pass and Katinas calls me back, asking if I can deliver some papers for him. I do so. I feel happy to get out and wander the halls alone. I go to the room and open the door, giving the teacher the papers. It's a Spanish class. I'm glad I decided to take Japanese instead, after two years of Spanish.
I head back and then sit on the bleachers in the gym. Minutes pass. Suddenly the lights go out. People scream a little just to show their reaction, and I look around. I wonder if someone was pranking, but Julian points out that a fuse blew, as he sees people looking at the fuse box etc. I say that I hope the whole school went out, because that'd be awesome. The gym is dim but not dark, as light comes through the rafters.
I see Lex across the gym from Yoga class, and go say hello. I play badminton with him and some friends. He's not so good at badminton, maybe because his glasses. He goes over to another court and I go one on one with someone I don't really know. We have a heated match and are about even in skill.. We play for a long time, and some people sitting down watch. After a while I get tired and stop.
There's five minutes until class ends.. I go and ask Katinas "isn't it time to go?" Katinas says the power went out for the whole school, so we have to stay here. We're in lockdown until the power goes on. I cheer to myself.
Some time goes by and I wait around in the side hallway near the gym.. The Yoga teacher says she'll take us girls down so we can change. The Yoga people already have..
She goes down with a flashlight. The locker room is pitch black, which I find awesome and eerie. She goes row by row, shining the light so we can open our locks.. I have the last row at the end, and slowly open it. She goes back to the first. I change in the dark, feeling for my clothes. I manage to successfully. In the dark I go to the room where the baskets to lock up your clothes are, and feel, first row, three to the left.. I slide it in and lock it. I go back and suddenly the lights go on. I hear over the intercom the principal, and he says that we can go to sixth period. I get my stuff together no longer blind to what things are, and leave.

I go to math class and we have 15 minutes of class. I regret not doing any makeup work, which I could have really used. I figured, I had been failing Japanese about a month ago, I need to focus on studying for that instead of doing math I don't understand in the least.
Sarah who sits in front of me talks about her power outage experience.

My math class is full of brats, so I really don't like it. There are at least five people who just make it hell for the teacher, and they all talk...
After that class ends I go to my locker again, and then outside to wait for my bus..
Alex (same guy who mentioned firecrackers) gives me a look for sitting in 'his' seat (the very first) and I laugh. I have the second stop, so I wanted to be near the front.

I really like some of the people on my bus. The freshmen are total idiots, but the older students are hilarious. Well, the freshman from my Japanese class is amusing.
Henry and Willus are brothers. Willus is a senior, Henry a.. sophomore or junior. Asian, Henry has glasses. Both are very similar in personality and make me grin. They talk about really interesting things and they're dramatic and just good humored.
Henry was the one who.. Let's see..
There was a day when a freshman guy asked what the drivers name was. Before the driver said anything, Henry said in a deep booming voice "I HAVE NO NAME" and everyone cracks up. It sounded like it was the bus driver, so it was great.

I go home and feel cheerful.
I don't think anyone will read this far. If you did, you deserve a cookie.

2005-11-09T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ran three miles yesterday.. I am so incredibly sore this morning.

2005-11-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt of a long orange lizard.

It was longer than a snake, it had legs at the front and at the back with a tail, but it stretched longer than a snake. It was about the size of a normal lizard in width.
I wasn't afraid but everyone else was. It slithered about skittishly and I kept my eye on it.

Don't know what else I dreamt.. wish I knew.

2005-11-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

Eye'm bored.

2005-11-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

Good luck Micheal... I hope you remember, and I hope you make it there and I hope they say yes.......
Please..

Aww.... T____T............ <3

2005-11-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

*sniffles*
... wahh.. that's.... so nice of him.. T______T Ahh.. I'm so flattered and it's so sweet.. :(

He's writing me a cheesy (aka romantic) story staring me and him so I'll feel better because I'm sad. T___T Aww.................. ... *melts* T__T.. that's.. sooooooooo.... ... .... like.. squee.
I never thought anyone would do that for me in my life. T__T...
*sniff*..

Effin hell I'm hugging you tons when you get here Zandry!!! That's so incredibly sweet of you to do that. ;___;
Wahhhhh.. Can't express how nice that is. How much it means to me. Makes me feel like bursting with the flattered happy sweet feeling I get.

<3 <3 <3 <3 ~~~... I don't care if you're 'ugly', I don't care if you're a prankster, I don't care if you make mistakes, I don't care if you have a weird life, I don't care if you're odd, I don't care if you're confusing-- You'll always mean more to me than anything.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs I feel like reaching those miles and miles to give you a huge hug right now. I feel like running till I can't breath and calling a taxi and running more and running and running and dodging bullets to cross the border (hahhaha) and reaching your house in the cold and snow just to tackle you with hugs and smooches. XD
Mwah.
Sweet lovable hooligan. hahah
*giggles*

2005-11-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

Animals.. are my adopted sons, daughters, cousins, brothers, sisters, children... .. They are intricate sense-filled masterpieces. Without mind for hate, jealousy, nor evil.. They are whom I look up to, whom I thank for all they give, whom I take care of. They are whom I protect and love. They are the things that make us continue to live. They are the things that make the world spin.
Worms move the dirt, that grow food and flower, that feed the bees, that spread more flowers.. Everything moves in a circle.
We were granted life at the top. We should be grateful. We did not earn this status. We were given it.
The native americans would know. They saw themselves as their equals..
I shall stop.

I'm sad.

My Official Idiot List

2005-11-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

For the sake of memory, I'm listing all the people who've got on my bad side this year (or continuing from the past).

Nate - for calling the T.A. a dyke
Jerry- Really dumb and enjoys annoying the teacher by repeating things or saying " 'atta girl Ms. Harr".. Annoys all of us too.
Richmond- Jerry's friend, contributes to the annoying
Anna M. - She used to always copy my math homework, drove me nuts
Kennedy- sometimes funny, but his comments make him a general idiot, as well as not doing the paper for the group project
Tara- She can't stop talking during math
Amin- For some reason he just seems really slow, his voice is slurred and he's just kinda.. dumb.
Niko- He needs to go back to middle school..
Chad- He talked about getting drunk and socking someone in the face for being an 'idiot' (who's the idiot here..?)
Nick O.- For some reason his attitude really bothered me in middle school, I felt like he was trying to harass me
ALL the boys at the back of the bus- They shout things and flip off people
Lee- He always annoyed the Japanese teacher and he's dumb and selfish
The girl at the front of the bus- Talks on her cellphone constantly and talks about myspace and chatting 'like, eee!!'
Nick from lunch- he cracked too many sex jokes
Ashley- She won't be quiet and won't do her work! She just can't think of anyone but herself too

There are a lot more. I just don't remember their names. I'll add to this later.

Raking Leaves, Tearing Bushes

2005-11-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

Dad's playing Pikmin.
Carson's doing homework, Mom's helping him.

Started to tear out the.... bush.. At about 4:30 PM.. Pulled out the vines and pulled it apart with my rubber gloves. It came out with a deft tug, unraveling in long pieces. A tangle. Sharp dry and dusty vines. We whack it with a broom over and over. Leaves fall to litter around the little garden. Slowly we can see holes through the tangle of branch and vine in front of the porch. I find two nests in the mass.
Still it stands, because it got dark out before I could master the monster of tumbleweeds.
We plan to replace it with something that looks more alive. The bush is still alive, but it has a thin layer of leaves, behind that is a tangle of dark brown twigs and vine.. and that's it. No flowers, very thin leaves, and not many. It's our 'privacy' for the porch. It blocks off view of the porch from neighbors and passerbys. I think the lack of privacy of the porch for a month for the sake of something to look at that's not so dead and dull is much worth it.

I raked the leaves earlier. All the worms that hid beneath the rotting leaves, a feast, were uncovered. I paused to bend over, unglove my hand and attempt to lift the worms to save them from the merciless rake.
I found a caterpillar, an earthworm, albino worms, worms, a potato bug, and a ladybug.
I carefully raked when I came close to the garden or the edge of grass, giving them time to escape.
I was wearing my Vans shoes (comfy), my green jacket, a blue tshirt, my moss-green skirt, and corduroy jeans.

Last Night's Dream

2005-11-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

A murder mystery.
A middle aged women is at a bookstore, checking out. I'm in line with her. The cashier is a man who looks to be 25, with medium length black hair and a blank white tshirt. I listen in. They say something about religion. "I'm atheist" the woman says. I'm slightly surprised, she looks like she wouldn't be. The man is not. He slowly puts her books in a bag and stares coldly.
He follows her, and I follow them. I hear her yelling at him, and she punches him. He takes a small ax, and stabs her middle. She screams.
I am the only witness.
I tell authorities immediately, but the man cannot be found. "black hair.. a white tshirt..!' I exclaim. Different people are brought to me, but it's not him.
In another room, a young woman about 20 is being talked to. She is known to have strange visions and out of body experiences. She says she felt an evil within her. You see her spirit come right out of her, and it streams forwards and through the doors, forming the man in white, and the murder is shown again. It was her.

In a movie theatre. I look around.. A scary movie is showing, and I see a TV and a comfy looking couch. I figure it's for the parents with crying children to watch. I look at the screen. I see Abraham Lincoln and Washington in portrait form, animated.

A man is climbing the rickety metal stairs up to his apartment. It's downtown, and the stairway is going up a brick building. He's telling his story. He says he climbed up near the top, and then looked down. This was where his best friend killed himself. He looked down at the rubble at the bottom, a large garbage bin filled with boxes and junk. He sighs. Something catches his eye in the bin. On the very top is a piece of cardboard, large, consider how high up he is. On it is something written. He recognizes his best friends handwriting, and gasps. An apartment number.
He goes there, and is reunited with his friend who he thought died three years ago.

She hangs from the chandelier. The room is small, and the large chandelier hangs from ceiling to where the ground would be. But, there is no ground. The chandelier has both its jewels and delicate chains that spiral its form. The ground of the room is just open, and the chandelier hangs down to the next room. The chandelier is as large a seven people at least. It's brightly lit and glitters gold and diamond. Her long black hair hangs down, and her face is sullen. some of her hair is short, like it had been ripped, some is long. It reaches as long as her. She wears a deep crimson dress and her skin is pale, and she is entangled in the chandelier horizontally, but her head and hair hands down. One arm is free, the other is tangled.

I take my sword. In a crimson carpeted room, very fancy and victorian, I battle a man. He's quick. I takes steps back, parry and lunge. Blood comes from my wrist, a slow dodge. I doubt I can beat him, so I face my back towards an open door, where the room of the chandelier is. I back up as I dodge and attack. I turn around and jump towards the chandelier. My lady reaches out, and I take her arm and the chandelier swings with my weight and I hold tightly to her.

I stand in a room of an apartment, looking out the window. 'I always feel strangely afraid here' I look out the window. In my mind I can see myself laying there, beneath the gutter-pipe on the ground, dead. My eyes stare upwards toward the room. I cover my eyes.

Lost Her Marbles

2005-11-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

*clears throat*

I'm losing my voice. And why? Because I just spent half an hour.... being anyone but myself.

"CARSON! You young whippersanpper! Get back up there like the cat you are! You stay there behind me, and *changes voice* CLIIIIMB Carson, CLIIIMB! CLIIIMB with those puny arms!!!! Just use your HEART Carson! Climb, boy, CLIIIIMB! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOOOU CAN DOOOOOooooOOoo ittttt..! DO IT FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOUR NON-EXISTANT LITTLE BROTHER!! *changes voice* Don't be falling, you silly bucktooth! Teeth the size of eyes! Well maybe not, but I AM RIGHT! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT! No falling whippersnapper! GET BACK ON THE COUCH! You're laughing huh? Laughing? LAUGHING? YOU LAUGHING AT ME BOY?? NOW YOU CAN'T BREATHE, HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHA!"

So basically I went on randomly to any babble that came to my mind, and let it out my mouth in a granny-immitation, shrieky annoying voice.

Huh......

"What did I feed you guys?"

*in weird voice* "Bad beef!!! Moooooo!"

Yeah..... Huh.

..... That was odd. I was opera singing babble and snapping at Carson in the voice of an old lady and pretending to be a nerd or someone from Dexter's Laboratory.
"Raaacer D-----!

Interesting.

Night

2005-11-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

Still my face is flawed of nervous hands that habitually I cannot stop. Oh well. My nails grow shorter and my face gets scratched and I suppose it does me no harm. Too bad I can't make my hands cease reflecting my inner nervous.
Ah. See, I'm going at my nails this moment, as I paused wondering what to write next, and then thinking of how I'm in trouble tomorrow.

At least I got my math done. And a few of the late ones. That's good..
But I still have to get my current LA and Bio homework done. Great. Oh well.
I have to learn how to wake up early again.. Jeesh. I used to know how for some reason.

I have exciting news, but I'm gunna keep to myself until I'm sure it's happening.

It's friday, what do I want to do.... Play Shadow of the Colossus, do my math homework, get a pedicure (I'm not into those 'make self pretty' things, and I dislike feet for whatever reason, just my parents were insane and got me some spa basket from an auction for my bday and that was in it...)... Uum.. Talk to Zandry, work on scrapbook, talk to Nick (interesting guy with extreme social anxiety I just met), write poetry, draw.. And yeah.

So much to do.. Bleh. Homework-wise, at least. And academics in general... mm.

10/31/05

2005-11-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

Halloween. Ico cosplay. Me on the left as Yorda, Carson on the right as Ico.