Scared

Scared scared scared scared...
.....

I'm afraid..... ...
How do I not... How do I not..?
How..?
I fear for you and myself..
I fear for me, because it hurts.
I fear for you, because you hurt.
Oh what can I do... What do I do.. I can't do nothing, I can't I can't I can't.

How do I not hurt you.. How do I not hurt myself..?
How do I get through this.. When just speaking of it.. Just getting through it.. Just mentioning is.. God.. Why can't I think.. Forgetting words again..
Just mentioning the whole thing is.. is... is........ is. what..?
voodoo.. no.. forbidden.. no.. heresy no.. "just to mention the name of the god was----" Blank. In culture.. When saying something is forbidden or completely not allowed, that saying it comes with consequences.. Damn my tired mind.

I don't want it to all fall apart. I don't want you to blow up on me when I'm trying to help. I don't want you to forget that I'm on your side, that I just want to help you. I want you to be happy..
I don't want this to ruin everything.
Because this is the only thing... The only thing that could mess it up.
I don't want you to go.. I don't want to go.. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we won't be able to handle it, that I or you will break down and we will fall out of love. That you'll start to hate me, that I'll start to hate you, that things will go wrong.. That my stubbornness will make me hurt you.. And nothing hurts me as terribly as upsetting you.. Nothing at all..
I'm afraid to upset you for that reason. To give advice, to help you. To help you through this, to help you achieve goals, fix flaws, without taking it personally..... I want to tell you it doesn't matter without you shouting to me, I'm wrong, 'it does matter, I have to deal with it every day, whenever I look in the mirror, whenever I wake up-'....
I want to be able to speak to you...
I want to be able to not hold my tongue, to be able to tell you what I honestly feel..
To know, that you'll listen..
That you won't block me out and break down.. That you won't remember, that you won't feel like that..
God I'm fucking scared..