Oooooch.
I relate so much that it hurts. I watched TV today and the show was about moving on from mistakes and grasping reality, bonding with family even though you feel you can't relate, etc etc. Lol, I feel so dumb to relate to TV so much that it shakes me but it did. It's the one show I bother to see every week.. Otherwise I never watch TV.

But ow. Things kinda sink in a bit deeper... *sigh*

My request, is, fucking never steal my heart, anyone. Don't unless you wish me to die.
Seriously.
I'm sick of it..!

I'm sick of long-term pain and long-term tears and crying when I'm not so sad and being sad when I don't know it. I'm sick of feeling a sting and a lump at my throat at times like these, when I remember again. I'm too young. Too young too young too young, so stop dragging the hopelessly easy to use girl into this. Please.
I don't want to live a lie, no matter how short or long.
If I have to, I'll be --....
-----

I wrote this on my myspace bulletin (that place sucks):


I apologize to Weston for being emo right now, and to anyone else on my list who hates sappy-ness. I'm a very sappy person and I don't know why I let myself write a bulletin right now.
Yeah, I'm fine. Just, reflecting, and not in the best stable mind.
Okay. Waiit a second. I'm totally having a breakdown and I think it's girl issues. So ick. My mood is going up and down and up and down and I'm normally super sensitive, irritable, and moody... So you can imagine how crazy it is for me now, sunday night, with it all hitting me at once. So, I think what I have to say is both truly my thoughts, but definitely dramatized.

Good, writing calms me down. Anyways..
What I was going to say was.. Well now that I'm not feeling as tear-out-hair-ish, it sounds weird in context. Here's what I would say ten minutes ago:
"I have a request for you all.. I want you to fucking be sure, do not let anyone steal my heart. Right now I realized, I'm still going through some long term stress and depression from the last, which was what.. Two weeks ago.... The one before that.. about two years... I just want you all to... er... What am I saying. Half of you can't do anything. But.. I wish to say it even so. I'm sick and tired of being used. I really am. I am the most usable girl there is... Seriously. In my life, I've never even effin known a boy. I'm not kidding. Aside from Andy, who was like a brother to me, my childhood friend. But we lost contact some years ago...
I'm also, hopeless romantic. Woonderful combination.. Inability to meet new friends, inability to meet guys, and being so strange and such a loser that even when I meet them, they tend to not like me. The goody goody that never speaks. I know..
Such is a part of me, such I can't change. I'm taking medication for social anxiety disorder, thought I'd say so you'd understand, and the 'friends' of mine here are enough friends, or if strangers, I don't really care. I'm not asking for pity, I'm asking to be understood.
This makes everything extremely hard for me.. Noise, sounds, people, being surrounded as I wait for the bus.. It makes me feel sick and I wait to the side even though I want to be with my friends who wait outside the gates.. But I choose to disappoint and loss of company to prevent another headache for the long one on the bus with the stupid, stupid freshmen boys. I hate boys. Yeah, that's the problem. They're immature.. Half of them like sports, like a lot of mindless things, or are perverts. Either that or they're rude and all they care about is sex. I'm not saying all are like that, just half. :) Only a rare few like me, or are anything near the same..
Anyways, as I have so much trouble meeting people, when I find someone who likes me and cares about me.. Well damn! I cling like a leech. I spill out every inner thought I keep inside and never can say (as there's no one to talk to) and write more poetry and once again gain the confidence I thought was thrown far out long ago.
This is something that I try to hang onto, with everything I have. Even when I know it's a stupid dream, I hang on.. And when it ends, I drown.

Long-distance relationships. I've never had anything else. I know it's stupid. But it's the only way it's ever worked.
But did it work? No.. Honestly.. But it did last for quite a while, give many smiles and make what I thought would be lifelong friends.. If the complications of my emotions didn't get in the way, they would be.
The thing is, I never want it to happen again. I don't want to go ga-ga for another kind but stupid person. Someone who can't make up their mind.
It happened fucking TWICE!!!
He loves her, not me, that's how it happened twice. So I'm sick of love and all that crap. Because when I love, it's just dumb. It's not real, it has too much hope, and I lose a part of myself in it all. In a daydream.

Therefore, I want anyone to cares, to stop me next time. I don't care how..

I want you to give me a good slap if I fall in love again this year, next year, or the next. I don't want to again, and I know this well, you now know too.
So help me live and not love, so I'll be okay"

And that's my message.
I'm not gunna get hurt over stupid things anymore.