More Sane Expression

Written in my D.A. journal:


Today is the most stressful and exhausting day....

Just everything is bugging me now, and it's enough to make my head hurt and my disorder-insanity level riiiiise up the ceiling.
My grandparents coming over with no warning and my brother's DDR and them trying to figure out ebay and Nana noisily talking was enough to make my head burn and my body freeze up in inability to feel anything but stress stress stress. Just the 'get me out of here!!!' feeling of being trapped in a small cage.

It's like the feeling of complete fear, but for no reason. You feel like your in the middle of a presentation, or about to be chased by a bear. Or like someone's going to grab you or abduct you with a knife to your throat. I get this feeling when I'm upset or stressed. I just can't will myself to move and can't will myself to do anything but stare until I feel 'safe' again.. I tense up and my head hurts and I feel my heart in my throat.. and I just feel like putting my head in my hands and then letting out a good scream. The smallest gesture towards me such as a hug or a question makes me snap and my entire self goes to some sort of defense mechanism.
Such is why I never seem to grow up, I still curl into a ball and pout because I can do nothing with my voice nor body when I feel in this way.

Stress and fear and tenseness all at once, it's not fun. I have everything to worry about and the smallest things today were making me crazy. I wanted my brother to stop hugging me five times a day and I wanted my grandparents to talk more quietly, and not to have dropped by today when my mood was so trivial.. I was wishing Dad wasn't sitting downstairs at the computer talking on the phone which would ring every twenty minutes, and I wished people would stop walking by as I tried to do what I wanted to without question.

*sigh*

I feel like there are eyes on my back watching every move I make, waiting for me to say something I shouldn't, waiting for me to do something they deem wrong.. Though it doesn't matter, it is my fear, and it makes me feel raw and sharpens my somber mood. Such is one of the many flaws of mine.