What's Wrong With Me?

What's wrong with me...? I feel... sick.. nervous.. sick sick nervous. I feel so tense and afraid, like something bad's going to happen. I feel like I could cry and I don't understand. I feel the blood through my arms and muscles, I feel the butterflies in my stomach and the tenseness of my back, my breath is short... Why?
I feel afraid like......... something bad. .. .. *hugs knees*
Afraid of tomorrow.

Was it really this bad before..? Did I really feel like this every night, every monrning before school? Just complete fear..? Maybe I did... Because my hands would shake and just entering a room made me blush. Afraid of who would look at me, judge me, what they thought, even if they weren't doing so.

So this is how hellish it felt.. mm..? Fear and scary and just..... Lost. Lost and like crying. Yeah, I feel like that. Which is why I'm crying? I guess so. No sobs, just tears.

"And we're scared to feel, and we're scaaaared..."

Tears for all the times I haven't cried. For the times when I realized, it's end of another dream. Surely.

Or just tears of how it is that I feel so out of place in the world. Saying that only brings more..

Those pictures... Those pictures I shouldn't have sent you. The feeling you saw in them is how I feel now. Any expression you saw there, it's how it is. Maybe raw emotion is what you can see in them.

Stress tears, fear tears, dissapointment, lost love, mourning, weary, nervous, worried, unprepared, alone. Those are reasons why I guess.

I hate being alone. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I'm always alone, no matter what. No one can save me from this.
Second best or just not stepping forward, I'm always alone. Alone with my friends, alone with love, alone in everything I do. Alone in my rebellion, alone in my ideas. No one seems to be able to understand me, the one who never speaks. The one who takes the smallest things and tries to make the most, the person who's mind is quite unlike what she expresses.
I'm alone, and I'm afraid not to be! I'm afraid to disappoint people. Everyday of my life. If I'm parnters with someone, I'm afraid I'll do something too late and disappoint them, let them down, or that they'll be behind and I'll be afriad to ask them to hurry up. I end up trying to work everything solitary. With my friends, I can never get a conversation.. When was the last time I really.. ever... talked? Have I even...? My words are small and short. Little greetings and smiles. Nods and agreement. I never say anything more. Maybe a small question, a little idea, but I never speak.

If you've ever seen me go on and on.. Like you are now, you must realize. Not a word ever comes out. No one knows how I feel. No one knows I'm afraid. Not one friend, not one person. No one that's here. They don't realize. They don't know me at all, even if they claim to. I don't open up to anyone, because no one takes the time to spend time with me alone, no one ever asks. So, no one will ever know.

My life is simply restrained and coping days. I don't have fun, I don't have friends to speak of, and I don't really have much at all besides a family and my little life behind it all. I make my scrapbook, I go on the computer, I go to school. That's my life right there. I don't ever go to anyone's house, I never call, I never ever invite anyone here. I'm so.. Detached..
Run errands and walk around to look at people and things. I joked we should go downtown and all look up at the sky and see how many people looked up too wondering what we were looking at..
Simple pleasures, also my life. I don't have a social life at all. My life is just living and looking at small things and finding ways to enjoy them.
Little joys come with little fears. The dark still scares me. The creaks, the thought that something or someone is behind me. Oh god, I hate it, just saying that makes me scared to look. So I won't.

So yeah.. Wouldn't it be magic, if I could actually talk without getting tongue tied.. If I actually had something to say, if people actually really talked to me.... *shakes head*

Whine whine whine. No one unnnderstaands meee.. I know how much everyone hates this shit. It's utter bullshit. But it's how I feel, and I can't ignore it in the least. I would if I could, but my.. Something just.. Makes me so sad.


I'm a dreamer, I'm a fool, and I'm messed. That's all there is to it.