Suffer

So tell me? Is there love? How do you know you'll finally find the one for you, and will be with them? How many people will you go through? How many breaks in the heart till you die? Is there even a limit? I don't understand how anyone can go on after heartbreak. Especially true heartbreak. It kills you inside, and there's no escaping it. Your soul dies. No outer pain, inner. Most hard to deal with. I don't know how people don't just shove a knife inside in attempt to cut off the pain. And then they would, eventually, if they died. But the realization of 'better' things 'coming' keeps us going. But, I ask, are they coming? Or is this as good as it gets..? Is life on earth really hell, or is it just as we see it? My life is not much more than a lonely hell. A stressful lonely hell. Not much more. Full of deadlines and pressure, little joys and smiles. Not many times that I've felt truly happy. I don't have time to have fun, and my life is a challenge.
I have so many challenges.. My social anxiety is one. It's a part of me, and it's hard to get rid of. Basically, you feel nervous in public, especially when interacting one-on-one with anyone.. Such as giving money to the cashier. You shake and stutter, and you get headaches and get so irritable, you want everyone to shut the hell up and go away. That's how it is for me. How can I have fun at the mall, or anywhere else, when I get unhappy simply at all the people around me? It's hard. I can't really have fun, I noticed. It's such a rare thing. Last time I really remember having fun is when we had a huge water fight with all the little kids on the block. But since then.. Nothing. Maybe giving the strangers candy, but nothing more.
I wish I could have fun. I wish I was normal, and could enjoy myself and laugh. But, it seems I can't. I have to make extra effort to.. It's so hard.
I'm easily stressed and have a hard time concentrating.. My school life is hard, yet somehow I manage.
But I never have fun.. And every day is pain and exhaustion.

I figure, fuck all, it's my fate to suffer. And they damned want me to.

Therefore, I shall.