I now officially think that honesty, I don't have any real friends.
How the hell does someone manage to not have one email from all her friends for six months..? How?
I'm quite talkative. I email back. But yet.. *sighs*
So, what's up with that?
Whenever I try to meet a guy, I end up being soon ignored. I've never known a boy, except once in elementary to middle school. I avoid him now.
Tell me. Tell me. How do I have friends.. When I have social anxiety disorder, am afraid to call them, don't want them over, and never get emailed?
Tell me. How. The. Fuck.
I love to talk. I loove to talk. But I never get the chance. No one ever asks what I think.. If I find anyone who cares, I have to look. I find people and I usually just mess things up for them, I've found. I nearly have to make them like me, otherwise they don't. And that's not my style. So, I end up being completely alone.. Because I don't want to look, and no one finds me. I'm done searching. I've had two heartbreaks, and I fear rejection. I hardly ever say anything because what comes from my mouth has little meaning to me, and I feel I would only be interrupting the others. My opinion means nothing to anyone, so.. Why bother, mm..?
Can you see why I'm sad all the time? I'm alone. I have illusion of having a good group of friends, but really, they don't even know me. They're very kind long-lasting acquaintances. A few faintly know how I am. But they're not around.
'Go do something with your friends' 'A shoulder to cry on' 'Party' 'Hang out'.. All of these phrases are unknown to me. For, I have no shoulder to cry on, none offered, and no friends to hang with. Can easily hang with a noose from a tree, but not with friends.
Haha.
Yeah.. My life is such a bitter piece of crap. How I wish someone knew me. How I wish I had friends. How I wish I could talk and say something besides 'yes..' 'yeah..' 'okay..' 'how are you?' 'yeah, I'm fine, tired'
I wish I had someone I could tell everything. I wish I could philosophize with someone.. God.. I just want a friend to talk to and hang out with.. A friend I'm not afraid of. Why am I afraid of people..? I hate it.
My hands shake when I do anything with a friend over. I soon get a headache, not knowing what to do with them.. I can't have fun with anyone.
*sigh*
5 comments:
I know EXACTLY what it feels like !! .I'm 19 and have the same
feelings and social phobia/anxiety too.
It sucks really!
*laughs* Alright Renan. Thank ya.
Ah? Anonymous, are you the one who commented on the forum?
Indeed it does. Slowly I'm getting over it, but it's really difficult. Always will be a part of me.
Elizabeth,
'bout the suicide jokes.. I'll try not to. Apologies, just felt like being extreme. No worries, I never would. A day of gloom isn't worth anything. With my words I tend to bark and not bite, as they say.
And it's all right. You especially have a lot to do and think about these days.
Yeah, it'd be nice to see you again. (haha, I'm suddenly glad the other people who know me don't read my blog, because they'd think I'm crazy and loath them XD)
Lies! I invited you to my Halloween party once.. Didn't I? I swear I did. (remember, we all freaked and you were laughing because you're impossible to scare, haha) But your first party besides a birthday party over in NH, you could say. :P
*gives you a big hug* Thanks T__T.. It means a lot to me. You are totally getting a cookie and a hug or something when you visit Seattle. Gyah, got me teary eyed. *poke* Thanks thanks.
Hahaha. I see. Yeeah.. That movie was really good. *laugh* that musta hurt o__o. Jeeeeeesh.. Something about that scene in her apartment really freaked me out. The whole TV messing up thing.. Eehhhh..
Haha, yes. Katamari Damacy.. There's a sequel, it's called We Love Katamari.. I got that too. So retarded and fun.
:P Good thing you didn't catch on fire.. o__o
Ahh, I don't remember that part. I guess I was distracted, hm.
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