Mental Breakdown

Mental breakdown. Apologies for making a scene and maybe scaring a few. God-damned huge mental breakdown..

*sighs*

I hadn't cried like that in.. Years..? no, months. I stopped crying when I left the one who always cried. Ironic.
It's funny how easy it is to cry now. Writing this I almost feel like I will.. I guess I finally cracked, huh?
.... Yeah.. I cracked.
But, I'm free..? I'm free. Sure.

At least I'm free. I can cry once more, and I'm free.
No more dreams, no more denial, no more.. No more false hope, no more love. I'm better without it all.

I can care of myself and myself only. And I need to for a while. I have a lot I need to fix with myself. I have no confidence..

"Am I real, and what do I feel? Hate is half a heart.. Only I am in my arms. You were sold, as something to hold. Nothing's as rude as the cold. Stupidly.. Beautifoolish true.. You.. Maybe madness is a heart, maybe heaven is a habit.. If I could fly, I'd live in the sky. I'd come from why, and ob-vi-ous-ly you.. do.. too.. The very start, of everything hard.. Could be the slip of a fingertip.."
-Lonely, Frente

I lot of music listening and quoting for me.
Habit.

I loved you, I don't love you, I don't hate you, I can't have you, you hate me.
That's always how the story ends.
Every time.

It makes me sometimes question, why I'm here. Why I was here if those who finally can see who I am hate me. Is an angel a devil in disguise? Am I? Was I fated to be hated by all I meet? Even those who tell me they never shall. It seems so.. Funny. I try to help, I want to help, but it seems my terrible self holds me back from anything but doing bad?
Questions questions.. If only I knew exactly WHY. No one can tell me.
Is my kindness a mask? Am I really that bad underneath?

Let's see.....
Underneath the mask, a freak. I at least know that much.
"I wish I could be a dragqueen" "I believed in fairies until I was twelve" "I wish I could be needed" "I'm stuck at age six inside"

Social anxiety, I cling to anyone who listens, anyone who cares, until they hate me. Yeah, that's how it works. But, why do they all hate me?
It leads me to hate myself. And I do.
----


Apparently, I'm getting braces today. Wonderful. I get to lose my awesome fang. I don't wanna.
I fell asleep at 4 AM. ..
Pain in the ass, dealing with all this.
I'm never loving anyone again, you hear me? Never. Ever. Ever. I hate them. They all hate me. Why do they..

Gotta promise myself that. No more loving. No more looking. The hopeless romantic will starve...
Gotta relocate all my goddamned friends. Before I go insane.

"Read her name to me.. Just one young girl and her tragedy, following her. Fists and threats... He forgets they were the world and he, is misery. And when she sings, her beauty stings. His eyes are like a curse and hers, are permanently blue. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you. Just one drink, makes you think how great your friends can be.. Wakes up a world where he can't be.. Here he comes. Something dumb with loaded fingers and thumbs. She clings to my arms, and I can give her the strength to live. And the second before the people become.. A corridor for two.. We can keep her safe, from you. We can keep her safe, from you... la la la...." -Safe From You, Frente

Again with the quoting. *shrugs*
Gotta lay out in the sun today, because I feel damned cold.