Idiot

If I say anything more, I'll feel more stupid than I'm trying to convince myself I'm not.
Why you had to do all that on that specific day, I question.

I mustn't blame anyone but myself though.

"I used to always read his poetry, and think it was for me. And believe it was a message. I'm a fool that way. I make up stories and I get so tangled up in it, I believe it's real."

Must I feel any more pain, this week?
I felt hopelessly alone and like all my friends didn't care. Why is it all shattering me.. now?
Maybe realization. Another hurt. Another impossibility. How could I not assume that with such words you didn't hate me. All I do is get in your way and piss you off, again and again. And your lovely journal entry didn't say much more to me but 'hate'.

You really think I can read that and keep my head straight.....

I'm such a fucking mess right now. I.. Feel. really stupid. Always. I hate it.

You know why I don't cry in front of people? Because every time I cry about one thing, I cry about a confusion the next, and find out it's wrong.
What the fuck do I say, huh?

"I HAVE NO FRIENDS..!"
"Elizabeth's my friend.."
"HE HATES ME!"
"Wait.. H.. but.. Doesn't hate me?"
"I HATE MYSELF!"

You see how fucked up that all is?
I feel like a retard. If I cry it'll be for the wrong reason at the wrong time and the next day they'll laugh at me because I'm being an idiot. So I cry to myself, thanks. I don't want to feel more humiliated at myself. I may as well cry at how stupid it all is, how I act, how I react, how I feel. How my security is screwed beyond belief.
I may as well cry alone and smile the next day knowing I was crying for no reason.
But I don't want anyone to know I've been suffering in vain.

Can some one ... just.. tell me. .what the hell I should do .. ..
*sighs*