Counting the Ways You Can't Love Me

Yeah. I'm going to dive right into every little stupid worry I have in my life, and tell it all. And act like there's actually a chance of all my fears. So please don't think I'm convinced of all of these things. These are my 'what ifs' that I hate to death.

You're totally going to leave. Every day you'll come around less and less, phone calls never again, and eventually, screeching to a halt. Promises of birthday presents and daydreams of someday visiting will disintegrate on the spot. You tell me to stop missing you because you'd feel guilty. You tell me to stop liking you, because it's not mutual. To ever talk to you, I'll have to ask. I'll pester you and ask you why you're gone, and I'll just be a pain who stalks you. You'll not have the time for me as you get real friends, and realize that a girl a country away isn't worth your time, no matter how pretty you think she is, no matter how fun it'd be to someday see her, you just don't have the patience to wait that long and spend that much just for a week visiting.
Online talking will become a pain and you'll have nothing to say to me.
You'll give up on getting a passport, as it's too hard and time consuming. I'll ask you, and every day you'll say you're working on it, but in truth it's far too overwhelming, and you're afraid to tell me.
She'll start talking to you again, and you'll remember how much you love her. She, your savior, your best friend. Maybe someday you'd be able to be together, and she breaks the news. And of course, when that happens, I'm gone. I almost left the first time, again, hell if I can stay much longer, it'd hurt too much. And at that time, it's not like I'd have a chance.
If not her, some one else. I'm not worth the bother, and not worth your time. There's a lot better out there, and you'll finally break out of such a silly idea and leave.
Or.. You'll realize what a pain in the ass I am compared to most people. Or you'll find I'm not as pretty as you thought.
I'm far too clingy and it'll drive you mad, someday.
Jealousy will make me a bitch and I won't let you go no matter how hard things get between us until you hate me more than anyone.
I'll deprive you of sleep and tell you to eat. I'll nag you of every dangerous thing you do and I'm the goody-goody who can't have fun. Expect to be treasured though I'm trash. Afraid of people and afraid of everything.


Counting the ways it will end.


I'll fall into the poetry depression again, and days will feel long and lonely. Just like last time. I won't be able to write about anything else, and smiles will be a memory and a goal. Every time I see anything that reminds me of you it'll hurt and I'll feel stupid. Very very stupid.

*sigh*

Haha, I'm so negative. But this is what I think at the back of my head, every day you're gone. Doubt consumes.

So come back and give me a good hard jab so I can think straight and not be so afraid every day that goes by, when I don't hear a word from you. Please. Or, tell me that it's true? Hahah.

Past experiences give me the greatest paranoia, regret, and insecurity. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a burden, and people would prefer if I would go away and leave them alone, fade out of their lives.
I know it's not true but.. I still feel that way.

Only love can break your heart. Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear. Two songs I've heard.

Never jump before you see what's at the bottom, and before checking how far the drop. Please tell me..