"Ouch! Meh arse!"

Duuumbaasss..
You stayed up all night again. Hohhohoho.. I watched Kill Bill, finally. It's nice.. The fat kid.. hahhaha. You never can kill the little fat kid.
Oh gawd, the elated high of getting noo sleep.. Wonderful.. Er.. no it's not. Stupid stupid stupid.
Maybe I can swear to stay awake all day.. Hell no, yeah right..
I am so calling you Elizabeth.
Sitting so long in that chair at night hurts.

Hair that smells like apples! That'd be fun. *laughter* I daare you. It's funny how guys are so uptight about their masculinity and refuse to do things that are girly. At least the average guy. You're not the average guy. One more thing I like about you. I feel like laughing a long time, but Alex would hear.
I think that's one reason I've had no tears and never make a sound. "Because Alex will hear.." "Alex is upstairs.." "I don't want Alex to see--" He's gone in some days. I wonder, will I cry once again when he's gone, because he won't be there to stop me? I learned to crumple up emotions like a piece of paper, but without appearing twisted, only on the inside. Like origami.

The reason I love never sleeping is, I can talk like this. Everything links up in my head, like I'm dreaming. Everything makes perfect sense. "That dancing elephant is supposed to be there!! Of course!! Why would it be odd? He's right there!" That's how it feels. Do you ever question anything in your dreams? No.. Everything is just there and you know it's normal.

I'm no good at singing. My vocal cords tighten of the odd range of sounds I command them to voice. They strangle from the inside. All that comes out is strangled. I'm better at mouthing the words and spitting air, because that's all I ever do, I can't have Alex hear me singing.

I can't have Alex see me writing this. I can't have Alex see me smile. I can't have Alex know about him. I can't have Alex see that. I can't have Alex see me dance. I can't have Alex see what I'm looking at. I can't have Alex hear about the plane ticket. I can't have Alex know how I feel. Alex Alex Alex.

"What's the name of my older brother?"
"The fool?"
"Ha, no, Alex."
"I think 'the fool' is better"

"Doesn't he have anything better to do?"
"well he has to say something, he can't let me by without saying something about it"

My paranoia, I can thank him for it. But I can also thank him for keeping me from crying. For making me suck it up and shut up. I don't hate him. Only sometimes. Only when he gets in my way.
--

Do you ever get the feeling that everything happens for a reason? I swear, Micheal, fate whispered me your name, but I heard it wrong. Was so obsessed.. So so so obsessed. Something told me it didn't matter how far. I like to think it was you who I was looking for, but I was looking at the wrong person. How would I know which way it should go.. Michael or Micheal? Did you know I used to always spell it wrong? I wonder how I spelled it. It'd be funny if it was your way.
Oh.. But I hate this, you know. I know it'll end someday, I just know it. It doesn't work. It really really really doesn't. I know that well. So I have to silently say goodbye to you everyday, so when you really go, I'll have said it enough. I don't want to feel like that again. I really don't. Obsession is so much pain.

Why do I remind you of San?

And why does The Crowing remind you of me?

I find it interesting how people look at me. Maybe it's because it's all I ever think about. How do people see me? It haunts me. The funny thing is, I know it means absolutely nothing. But it still haunts me. Maybe my 'mental disability' can get me out of a few presentations. Oh I wish. But no. Every time I'll have to shake like I leaf, because talking in front of people is so, so terribly important. We must stand in front and tell everyone exactly how we did it, and what we did. Because that's what life is about.. Talking to people, telling people.. What is wrong with these people..? Since when.. does this mean anything? No one respects life as something to enjoy. You have to be perfect and make progress to something that'll all end, eventually. Oh gosh, I'm talking about this again.. How I want to break away from this hell of importance... I think being a straight-A student makes me realize how stupid grades really are.
Life is life.. I wish someone understood. I wish we didn't have to be perfect to simply survive. To get a job, to have food... Wish it was easier. .. ... This is all an elaborate excuse for me to never speak to anyone again. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really don't. Sometimes...
What is with me? I think at night I get this strange feeling over me. As everyone sleeps I wonder why it goes on like it does..
Because it's always easier to follow directions then to stray off and go on your own.. That's why.

Haha, I'm so odd.. Off.. What's wrong with me..? I get this need to simply disappear. I feel like I want to drop out of the world and smile at everything that everyone passes up. Why can't I do this..? Why am I saying this again? Last time I did, I felt stupid in the morning. "Damn, I'm an idiot. Why do I say this crap.." But I know I wish it could work. Just when I start believing, that's when it's not good.

I weave my dreams with reason.
I try to make it sound like it should be.
--

"Summerhead is making me sleepy"
'My dreams flew with us, my tears have run away.. Our goal, goal collapsed. Energy of lonesome goal. Safe at last.. Safe at last... Safe fallen down this way..'

'Energy of lonesome goal' makes me think of the unlikely dream that's coming close. Oh it's so unlikely.. But I wish I wish. And if it fails, the energy and wish that was behind it will linger for a long time. I wish I wish. Just knowing one person cares so much is enough to keep me happy for a very long time.

Think on the bright side. If this doesn't work, I have two hundred twenty freaking dollars. And damn that feels good. *laughs*
But I still want to throw all that money away just for one thing.
To feel loved? Yes. You can't buy that, but you can buy the chance. But do you?
"I stayed up 20 hours to talk to you. If you don't think so after that, you're on your own"

I love how I can quote you on anything I'm talking about, haha.
By the way, 'oh shit' I'm falling again.
"My eyes are burning, and Timmy is dead"
"Poor Timmy.. No one cares about him.."

Every time you swear, god kills a kitten. Think of the kittens!!!!

But in our case, Timmy is falling down a well. Was that it..? How the heck do you get him out of there, anyway? Saying good words?

I loooove inside jokes so much.
You give me so many random smiles in the middle of the night, it's funny.

How did that become a tradition..? Not that, but that. That. Every end. Every time. I think goodnight is always a key for something to happen. You don't just leave for the night without doing something. A wave, or a poke. Or something. Haha.. Another smile.

I took a long bath and that was happy. "You should take baths more often" I'll quote you until someone stabs me.
I talk to you too long. Well wait.. It'd be too long, if it was someone else. 4-6 hours a day is too long for someone else.
I can't believe you talk to me so long. And how did this turn into an entry talking to you, Zandry, Micheal, Makiaru? See, your not even here, and I'm still talking to you. What's with that?

I knew from the first time, that I would never let you go, you know. Well yeah.. After talking to you for record time, 18 or so hours, no sleep, no stop, we just kept on talking and talking, I knew that there was something special.. And it was the second time I'd ever spoken to you in my life? Yes... I think so. I remember how we both asked each other "what have we been talking about for the last five hours?" and "I can't believe we're still talking" and "We're talking about nothing yet it's not getting boring.."

It's promising that no matter how weird I get, I don't freak you out. I hold back, because I'm not sure how fearless you are yet. I'm sooo weird...
The problem is, I'm way too open. Gawd I scared him. Hoo.. *starts laughing* I am never, ever, bringing that up again. EVER. That was so terrible of me. Smoooth mooove....
The perfect guy is a guy I can whine to and also talk about creepy girly things with. That sounds scary, doesn't it? Very.
It's also promising that you think my huge collection of dolls is cool. Most would see it as very odd and childish. I think..
"..."
"-poke-"
"hey, what?"
"Stop making my imperfections disappear.."
That was funny.
I really really really really really like you. I'd say I love you, but I haven't 'met' you, so it'd be creepy. Oh shit, I already did.
*Timmy starts drowning*
Oh Timmy!! I'm so sorry!!!!!!

There's something fun about never seeing the one you love. Er, not love. I can't say that. Like very much. I don't know what. But it's fun. It makes things more interesting, I think. And what's cool is, you can ask things you'd regret asking, and you won't have to deal with their expression and you won't have to pass them in the hall the next day.
I bet you, I bet you that fate will whack me on the head again. Either you won't make it here, or, you'll think I'm really really ugly. Oh I bet you..! You're so gonna jinx me! Saying I'm pretty and junk, with your 16 color display. "I have seen you in full color you know" Hahaha. Most people don't have this issue. Again, makes things more interesting.
It's like a blind blind date. You don't know who it is, you just hear them.
By now I have your outline, I see your nose, lips, eyes, face, but that's all I can define for sure. You should grow your hair long again, that was cool. Course you want to anyway, so yay.

And it must be amusing to all that I feel such for someone so far away.. And sigh. You guys already know I'm weird, so no words. I think I like having something to look forward to. I look forward to meeting him, whenever that is. I pray to the cows that he hasn't eaten that this will be soon. *laugh* He spared your lives, cows, so bless me! Er.. Bless him! Bless him with your mooing glory! Transport him here! Pleeeease..

Oh gawd, I hate how this place is closed over the weekend. Two days more to go 'oh no, time is running low!' and for once you were actually planning to go out and get it done, and of course it's closed.. Arrrrrgh, hurry Zandry, hurry!!!! I want to have a week of fun before school starts! One week to see who I've been talking to for.. more than 180 hours..
I wish I wish.