Not Much More

So yeah, he's not coming. I called yesterday. Brother said he was at camp. I was horrified. He didn't even really say goodbye, he didn't tell me. I remember him saying something about going to Ike's, but he didn't say he was going to camp for a week.. So I was oblivious. I reacted terribly. I took it personally.
Mom called today just to make sure. All I got from the phone call was 'He's at bible camp', from his older brother. Mom called and talked to Amy.
Not much more to know. He's at camp. With his friends. That's it. He didn't get anything done. I don't know why and I don't care. I just know, he's not coming.
Mom talked to me, and said we can always try during a school break. She explained how he could be nervous, maybe it got to him. I understand.
But why do I get the feeling that when school starts, things will change? Maybe because of her. But I shouldn't think like that.
He'll be back on Monday. I'm not happy. I'm going to ask him, simply, why. Why he didn't tell me, why he went to camp. After writing so much junk that shouldn't be written, I feel bad. But I've erased it. So it's okay. I'm glad he won't see what I wrote. Because I was being.... As I said, so very childish. You could say I threw a fit. Hahah, that sounds terrible. And it was.
But only in my head. Please don't hear that and think of me tearing up papers and crying.

I'll just be happy when he's back. I miss him terribly. I just want him back, now. But I'm going to act in a bit of a blank, let-down way, because I think that's how I should feel. If he doesn't expect that, he's foolish. He let me down. Simple as that. He didn't tell me. He left me waiting as the date grew near, wondering why he was taking so long and what he was doing.
I hope he had fun. I hope his camp was worth more, than meeting me.

Great.. Now I'm being all sour... *sighs*
But I need to be a little pissed. It helps me feel better. I guess... Haha. I don't want to be a doormat, that's all. I forgive people in a blink of an eye.. and what does that tell people? No matter how much they hurt me, I'll forgive them. I don't like giving off that message. I can't stay angry at someone I love. Which is a pain. I can't stay angry at anyone, even when I should. I can't hate, I can't do revenge. I just can't.
I can be hurt, but I can't hurt others. My regret system is built for that. If I hurt anyone, for any reason, I regret it forever. It makes it easy to use me.
As I said, in deleted, my sensitivity will kill me someday.

But I am a bit hurt. One reason he went.... I bet that's why. I don't like to think that. I don't like to think that he, who was is so kind to me, let me down just to see.......

I won't say it. I won't think it. I'll just hurt myself.