My People Phobia

I hate schoool.. Soooooooo much. Just the people make me so jittery and I don't like it.. I'm waiting to make a fool of myself and I always feel bad for something I did that day.. Though to most, it seems like nothing. The smallest things.. Like if someone says hello to me and I don't hear them in time and they're too far to say hello back. Simply that bothers me. And I may get good grades, but I have not a clue about things.. I have a bad memory, and I'm just not very smart..
And just school in general makes me feel quite uncomfortable. I don't know why, but when sitting in the hallway outside the classroom alone, whenever someone walks by I just get nervous.. Feel like they're looking at me. Well well.. Guess it's one of those things, in the average socially anxious person.. I've been reading up on it and they "feel like they're being judged by others at every moment and fear it" *sighs* I wish I didn't have it.. It would make life so much easier, if I wasn't afraid to do things that everyone does. I used to be afraid to order a pizza over the phone, to ask people for favors, to dance in public..
The only thing I'm really worried about now is my tendency to tremble. Just sitting at the mall eating makes my hands shake, as well as being watched. I can feel them right now, a little jittery just thinking about it.. It's icky. And presentations are the worst. As I'm waiting for my turn, I get more and more nervous, and if I let myself, I'll shake terribly. "Just put your papers on the podium, and put your hands behind your back. Just do that and you're fine." Mayre would say to me.
But I suppose it gives more of a thrill, because I do love going out where there are lots of people.. And I like to dress really odd and dye my hair fun colors and stuff.. I guess it's more thrilling to do things like that when you're having fun and facing a fear at the same time.
Sometimes being with the right people diminishes it, which is nice. But the fact I have trouble being with people at all doesn't help. The only people I feel completely comfortable being with is my family..
It'd be nice if I could just be calm for some time. If I could have a day out there where I wasn't worried about something. Maybe that's why in my head I'm slightly obsessed with finding that 'special someone'.. Because I'm looking for someone I can be with and not be afraid. If I could go out and have fun and not be nervous, I'd really be happy. Some people get rid of my fear, and wouldn't it be nice to be able to live without being afraid?
The phone rings and I wince. I'm hoping it's not for me.
Summer is sometimes my sanctuary from people.