Fuck fuck fucking leave me alone!
Leave me ALONE.
Don't screw with the godamn computer when I'm seeing someone's webcam for the first fucking time in months and the only time I can, and freeze the fuckign computer!!
Don't stand right behind me and poke me when I want to look at the new pictures that were sent! Don't comment on them and ask what I'm doing, when I'm FUCKING trying to enjoy this.
AHHHHRGH FUCK!
.. haha. I haven't tried the pills yet.
Just makes me feel like crying when I can't enjoy something that only comes about once every four months.. When everyone bothers me and I hide the window, missing the only time I ever ever get to see him.
Such is the hardship of my anxiety and long-distance relationships, and the hardship of him having a bad computer. I can't have fun when people are watching me!!!..... ... And it makes me sad. Wandering around behind me, pacing, asking to do things on this computer.. I can't even deal with it. My personal 'bubble' is invaded. Especially on a day like today.
He went to a friends house, a friend that has a webcam. His own computer sucks terribly.. He can't send pictures, he doesn't have a webcam. So basically, I never ever see him. I never get to see him ever. No smiles no nothing. And on his computer, the colors are also extremely bad. Everything's messed. So today is a rare day, when I get to see him. At his friends house, I get to have pictures, and I get to see him on a webcam.. It's the one thing that makes it all wonderfully real. He's him. Phone calls are even rare.... .. Because I have to buy phone cards to pay for the long distance. Even though Canada is damned right up there... ... But still far enough. It's hard..... .. I don't have a job, I can't get money.. I'm too young to be able to do anything.... He is as well. There's a freaking barrier.. I never see his face, I never can give him a hug, I can't do anything at all... So try to understand my stress, when I feel like this, the only time I can see him.
How do you feel when someone stares you down? A complete stranger stares right at you, and their gaze doesn't change... Is it just me, or do you feel a bit uncomfortable when someone stares like that? For me, just someone being around makes me tense up and feel like I'm being stared at like that. The feeling doesn't go away. It stays. They walk by. You still feel it. They go do something else. It's still there. I feel a sick feeling inside just because they could turn their head and see what I'm doing. They'll see DA or blogger, or they'll se him. And just that makes me feel sick. Sick nervous sick. The feeling doesn't go away.. Not until they're far away......... So when Carson stands right next to me, a hand on my shoulder, looking at my screen, I feel like tearing my hair out. I get the tense very sick feeling until I shove him or tell him to go away. I feel terrible until they go away. It's the most hard thing..
*sighs* My apologies for swearing.. I just feel really bad sometimes. I need to vent out my stress.. So I can breathe... *a long sigh*........... ..
He just left to do something..... I just feel sick sick sick when I can't enjoy what I really enjoy. When I can't be happy just because. It's terrible.
I'm going out for some air so I can calm myself down.. Why do I have to have things wrong with me like this....?
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