Will It All Come Crashing Down..?

Daydreams are lovely but... What if they eat me alive? What if everything that I dream and everything that I hope for, what if I get caught up between my imagination and reality? What if life is nothing that I want it to be..? What if every dream never happens? Not one? They're not impossible dreams, they're just so hard to get to.. So far forward. I don't know if I'll ever get there, and I need to try so hard to... I want to more than anything, to make those dreams realities. Such simple and funny dreams I have. My head is a mess of chocolates, bright flowers, rain and words to be put to the paper. A swirl of laughter mixed with tears. Sorrows and happiness comes to me so easily. I'm in the strange mood where I could burst with the emotions. I'm smiling, and then something I say makes tears come out of nowhere. And then I smile again. I could dance I could sing I could do anything. I want to run around, I want to go downtown and see the city lights.. I want to go jump in a lake. Someone go with me..?

That's one of the dreams.

I want to earn 800 dollars. I want to work like hell and earn that much. Then one dream could come true.... More than one, actually. I wish it wasn't so.. Far forward. I wish I knew if this will all come crashing down "like a stack of cards".. Dreams do that. You pile them too high, and then one card is flicked at, and it all tumbles down. The shaking realization of reality, the word "never", the words "you can't" or "I won't let you".. It tumbles.

I want to know if that dream will tumble before I can even start to go towards it.. If the path I'm on is a dead-end, like it was before. Or.. The last path lead to another path, a forced change of direction. My fate.

So will it stay..? Will you stay? Will it end, like it always seems to? It does.. Why does it have to end? I never learn.. Why do these summers.. Why are they so bittersweet?

800 dollars, one dream comes true. A high price. I have no allowance, I have no job, I have no money. I have no real skills that could gain me money. How would writing do me any good..? Maybe sorting and my strange enjoyment for ironing would do me some good. But that isn't a lot of use, either. Give me work, I have to make something happen, so I know I'm not hopeless. One dream will give me knowledge that I can grant two. I can grant my own wishes if I try, I need to see if that's true.

I'm trying to think if I can.. How I can.. If it's worth it, again. Would it..? You tell me. If I found it wasn't, I'd have 800 dollars anyway. So it's something to do.

How do I make money and do 60 hours of community service at the same time?
Oh well. I can worry about that next summer.
Tell me, how do I earn money, how do I of all people do that? I can't get a job.. I'm one year too young. Or so many places seem to say.

("Too far away for me to hold, too far away")

So how will I do this..?

I'll get a job. Well, I sure will try. I'll look around some more and I'll figure things out, and I won't buy things anymore. *nods* An excuse to stay away from all my friends, again. (you wouldn't understand.. it's strange..)
I'll get a job.

I hate parties... I don't like being with people. I really really don't. They all talk at once and I feel awkward, and have nothing to say. I'd be the one serving everyone coffee and lingering in the corner... I'm not a people person.. I like to see people, but I don't like to know them..? Oh, I'm not sure.

How will I get a job..? Hm...... If not that, I'll find another way to earn money. There are simple ways to, I'm sure. Just have to find it. It'll be something to do, at least. Something productive. So.. I'll have to figure that out..