Went Cold

Just laid in bed, with the lights on. Couldn't shake off that terrible feeling I got. Just a kind of numbed shock and emptiness, a kind of hopeless dreary dread. Felt my insides twist in knots and my heart fade out into nothing.

'Why can't I....' went through my head over and over and over. Echoing through my empty head, reverberating in heart, stomach, breath, eyes. Bouncing around in the empty corridors of my mind. Slipping in each door, uninvited, unwelcome, something you just want to throw out, yell at. 'Why can't I be...' it goes louder, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Shut up, shut up. I don't want to want it, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to feel it. Just three words. Just three. Please. Anybody, say them. I don't know why.. why.. why I'm so.. obsessed with it. What has made me this way? It's as if it's all I care about. Every night when it all goes sad, I think the same thing. 'Why can't I be loved?'

The feeling is similar to rotting. Falling apart, disintegrating, decomposing, cracking up. Fading. It's hard to explain why. But suddenly it consumes you from the inside out, that useless and left out feeling. That dreadful reminder. That transition from warm to cold, suddenly, shocking. It just swallows you, blocking everything else out. Smiles can't come, laughter disappears, everything goes dark. Stuck in a shadow. The light is gone, the thoughts come to me again. The 'why' the 'how' the wishes, the dreams, the yearning. It's hard to block them out.

It's partially the realization- nothing gold ever stays, nothing warm ever lasts... *laughs* I can't help but remember the phrase... "foreigner sweet, foreigner romantic, but foreigner always has to go back home" It's from a movie. It hurts my head at the moment. Among the obvious and known words of "it never works" and all that. I know it doesn't work, I've had first hand experience. Yet I do this, again.... It makes me hate myself. It makes me think 'stupid, stupid, stupid idiotic girl! Shut up and stop whining, stop this shit, go find someone here, here!! Why do you have to do this to yourself?' It's a question I can't answer. I don't know why.....

Why am I so gloomy, anyway? I guess I feel lonely again. Tired. Lonely. Tired. Lonely. Over and over and over and over and over... I don't understand. I'm.. fine. Why do I still feel this way? I was good today. I did all my math, I took a shower, I was good.. Yet now I am pained in a different way.

Why am I sad?


These nights kill my spirit.


It's funny, how I have to convince myself, everyday.. Everyday I have to find a reason to like myself. I don't.. know. Everyday I have to find some way to convince myself that I really am good.. That I really have a use, that I'm not just a random person that no one cares about, wandering around and doing nothing all her life, never making a difference. Reminds me of that freak-out journal I did once. I was, I am,... kinda weird. Basically I was super sad and suddenly got all emotional and started blathering about how I wanted to be someone's "angel". I guess I do. But how, and why? I guess I need to feel like I have some worth. As Haku said, the most painful feeling is knowing that you are unwanted, uneeded in this world. *sighs* I have to find a way to feel like I have any reason, any point. I feel that life is so pointless, so often.. *shakes head* I hope deeply that summer will save me from all these thoughts.. or something else....

But I'm afraid not.