Soul Spilling

It seems, I'll never be able to tell anyone everything, ever again. I did once, and what, it killed me? Well, I was stupid as it is.. Aren't I still stupid? Yes. Yes yes yes. But it depends... Do you think it's stupid? My stupidity can be smiled at, if with/at the right person. You can roll your eyes, get irritated, and never speak to me again, if you dislike it. That's how it is.

I was just reminded. I hide a lot, a loot. But..? But.. I say a lot, too. It distracts everyone from what I hide. But sometimes I don't even know that I'm hiding something, until I say it. I realize.. I never said that before. I never told anyone that before. I never admitted it, I didn't want to, I realize. I'm afraid to spill my soul to anyone, more than a cup at a time. Too much, and they can run away with it. Leave me empty? It takes a while to get your soul back, when you've spilled it. It feels good to spill your soul, you share it, you split it. It makes you happy, no? More to share, more smiles. More relief. But if you spill too much, they have it all. And you attach yourself to them. And you never want them to leave. And then when they do, something goes missing. It takes a long long long time to fill back your soul, to replace what you spilled. You can spill your soul as much as you like to someone, as long as they stay. Leave, and you die, a bit. But you'll come back.

Hm.. that was odd.

You know what I want to do..?

I want to.. to...... I don't know. Hahaha. No, I know, but I won't tell you.

Well, can I? Don't give me those 'you are stupid' looks. Don't be doing that. You already know that I'm dumb, so do you need to? I got it, I got it..

I want to go down to Green Lake.. Hahah, no, not run away, this time. I want to go down there, look at the water. But the problem is, a silhouette is my company. I need matter to fill the emptiness. I miss the one who's not there?

"I look to you, and I see nothing. I look to you, to see the truth.. You live your life, you go in shadows. You'll come apart and you'll go black. Some kind of night, into your darkness. Colors your eyes with what's not there.."

I need some company.. Mmmmm.. I think the lonely-meter is going up, since I'm tired. Yeaah. Daydreams are coming into my head. Repeatedly the box-in-backyard daydream, haha. Alone it would be just plain scary.. I mean, an open box.. You'd be glancing around at every sound, convinced someone would kill you.. Wait, that's me. If you were there, you wouldn't be afraid.

Why would I enjoy it that much? Who knows, but I would... I wish I wish I wish. Haha, my dreams are so weird. Life is better that way, simple, but simply lovely. Look around and see everything that way, and you'll be in bliss. I like my simple daydreams.. Can't I grant one?

I should sleep... goodnight.