I used to write the song lyrics down, the ones that best described my mood... Here are some more of those old entries, from my old blog. It's all lyrics, now. To match the feeling of the day. Obviously this was a heartbreak time of my life.
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12/11/04:
"You never get the truth, just promises galore. Fool at the heart, don't look down. Everybody loves you when you're playing the clown.... Another year came, glorious sun. I tried to be an acrobat before I could run. Afternoon came, trumpets played. Oh oh maybe I'll get out of here one day.. Father, oh father. Everybody's young, and far too serious. Oh, oh mother dear.. don't let them shoot my kite down. Oh, oh father yeah, you'd let them shoot me down for sure. Another year.. don't let them shoot my kite, out of the sky.. "
"The bubble's are not reality, but it's inside your mind, making you forget what you're from and what's behind...."
"Today's sweet world is complicated. If you use your mind you'll survive. You'll get by and into your life I fall. Into your world I crawl. Under your spell I fall. Under your dream I fall into your life. I'm into your life. Come into my life."
"Every time you think you have it made, heaven sent, heaven sends you a nice big present. I got doomsday. She gets highway. Someone made me say these words again. And I swore I'd never use these words again, again and again. I love you, I love you. I want you, I want you. Something made me say these words again. It's you that made me use these words again. Again and again... Oh these words. All these stupid words. All these words. All these stupid, stupid words."
"Diary of a broken heart. Torn into a thousand pieces. Now take it from the very start. When life was still a bed of roses. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on come up and read it. Come on come on believe what you can. Come on come on come on and read it. A trail of broken dreams laid down. When kindness was another story. At first it was the perfect world. But now you've nothing to show for it...."
"The other night I was lyin' awake. Another year, that has gone down the drain. Well, I can't sleep, where we don't talk. Yet you don't wanna hear, about all these things, I can't explain. I can't explain. No, I can't explain. Well, I don't get, the falling of the rain. I don't get the explanation game. I just got to love you. I can't explain."
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12/23/04:
"I feel like my feet have forgotten the way to your door. I have my hands and my words, but what are they for. And you said you thought I was cute but I'm just a cut flower, and every second's an hour. We scream, scream, that wasn't the way that it was. I believe, beauty was drowning because. My mix and match memory has managed to make you a god. And everything else I forgot. Goodbye... Goodbye.... Goooodbye.... Goodbye goodguy. I want to tell someone invisible that it's not fair. We're made up of moments and fingernails, toenails and hair. And in between be and begin and a jail of clay. How can you love me anyway? Goodbye.... Goodbye.... Goooodbye... Goodbye goodguy. Something was hovering over you boy, just then. You scolded me, told me don't bother, and vanished again. And everything perfect you said was just mirrors and wires.."
-Goodbye Goodguy Frente
"(even they don't give any more..) (try, try to fall) She fell down into this mess (even they don't give...) (try, try to fall) She fell down and he's so sick of it all. And of me. This part not out of her saw fit to drop. Whispers might just prove it all. (you're just closer to me when you fall, but you broke) This would prove it all. Sleep now, You susur, try to talk. Reach out for that hand. Reach out for that hand. (and even they don't give any more) (try, try to fall) Even then they don't give. (try, try to fall) You just closer to me at the fall. But you don't want, want me hand. You're just closer to me. But you don't want, want my hand."
-Carolyn's Fingers Cocteau Twins.
"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real. I've been been living so long with my pictures of you, that I almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel----- You were always so lost in the dark. Remembering, You how you used to be. Slow drowned, you were angels, so much more than everything. Hold for the last time, then slip away, quietly, open my eyes, but I never see anything. If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held on to your heart. If only I'd thought of the right words, I wouldn't be breaking apart. All my pictures of you"
-Pictures of You The Cure
(reminds me of something...) "Oh Elise it doesn't matter what you say, I just can't stay here every yesterday like keep on acting out the same the way we act out. Every way to smile, forget, and make-believe we never needed any more than this. Any more than this. ------ The way the blue could pull me in, if they only would, if they only would. At least I'd lose this sense of sensing something else that hides away. From me and you there's worlds to part, with aching looks and breaking hearts, and all the prayers your hands can make, oh I take as much as you can throw... And then throw it all away, oh I throw it all away. Like throwing faces at the sky, like throwing arms round, yesterday I stood and stared, wide-eyed in front of you. And the face I saw looked back the way I wanted to. But I just can't hold my tears away the way you do. Elise believe I never wanted this, I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises. I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about.. But I let the dream go, and the promises broke, and the make-believe ran out...-- And every time I try to pick it up, like falling sand, as fast as I pick it up, it runs away through my clutching hands. But there's nothing else I can really do, there's nothing else I can really do, at all.."
-A Letter To Elise, The Cure
"Go if you want to. I never tried to stop you. Know there's a reason, for all of this you're feeling. Love, it's not my call. ----Me, I don't show much. It's not that hard to hide you. See, in a moment, I can't remember how to be all you wanted. I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't ever love you more. I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love. You want me to cry and play my part. I want you to sigh and fall apart. We want this like everyone else. Stay if you want to. I always wait to hear you say, there's a last kiss. For all the times you run this way, it's not my fault--- I couldn't ever love you more, I couldn't love you more, I couldn't love... You want me to lie, not break your heart, I want you to fly not stop and start. We want us like everything else. Maybe we didn't understand. It's just the end of the world. Maybe we didn't understand, not just a boy and a girl, it's just the end of the end of the world... Me... I don't say much. It's far too hard to make you see, in a moment, I still forget just how to be, all you wanted... I couldn't ever love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't love you more... I couldn't looove.. "
-End of the World, The Cure
"I'm not ready for this, though I thought I would be. I can't see the future, that I thought I could see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you, ahh, I still do. Need some time to find myself, you wouldn't live with it. Can I go my own way, can I pray my own way? I don't want to leave you, oh I need you. Am I ready for this, did I think I would be? Can I see the future, no I can't see. I don't want to leave you, even though I have to. I don't want to love you. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do.. Oh, I still do"
-I Still Do, The Cranberries
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12/26/04:
The stars are bright tonight, and I am walking nowhere. I guess I will be alright, desire gets you no where. And you are always right, and my you are so perfect. Take you as you are, I'll have you as you are, I'll take you as you are. I love you just the way you are. I love you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? The stars are bright tonight, a distance is between us. And I will be okay, the worst I've ever seen us. Still I have my weaknesses, still I have my strengths. Still I have my ugliness, but I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anybody love the way they are..? I love you just the way you are. I'll have you just the way you are. I'll take you just the way you are. Does anyone love the way they are..? Star... Star..
Stars by the Cranberries (love this song ^ ^) Indeed, I do. My thoughts.
The sunshine, too light. The ocean, too wide. I'm sick of your cliche. The sky is kind, love is blind. You can't let go of the lost pain. you're in the maze, spending every day. I'm in the haze, I want the getaway. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. I feel a chill go down my feet. Your maple is so sweet. Can you take my silver wheat? Mix it up with butter and treat. Your maple is so sweet. So sweet. We've got to get out, to get out, the hell out.
Le Pain Perdu, Cibo Matto (your scars never fade..? sure don't seem to)
I can take your pain away, if you tear down your fortress of memory. I can take your pain away, you don't need to be strong. I can take your pain away, I know we wear different shoes. I can take your pain away, barefoot we will tear the truth. You are the king of silence... You don't need one word to talk to me. All I know is we have sympathy. Close your eyes and your head on me. I can take your pain away, if you find a remedy in me. I can take your pain away, you can take as much as you want from me. I can take your pain away, we have distance between us. I can take your pain away, every time we can find the clue.
King of Silence, Cibo Matto (if you let me, I can. So silent. you try hard to help me, can you let me help you? It's no burden for me to hear the sadness, the problems, though my problems are burden for you)
The bus ride, I went to write this, 4:00 am. This letter. Fields of poppies, little pearls. All the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed. Each and every one a little scary. I said your name. I wore it like a a badge of teenage film stars, harsh bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras. Dreaming of Maria Callas, whoever she is. This fame thing, I don't get it. I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it. Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves. I can take you far. This star thing, I don't get it.
E-Bow the Letter, R.E.M.
I need something to fly over my grave again. I need something to breathe. I will try not to burden you, I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath, until all these shivers subside. Just look in my eyes. I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me, I shudder to breathe. I want you to remember, oh (you will never see). I need something to fly (something to fly). Over my grave again (I will see things that you will never see)... Why do you shiver? (I will see things that you will never see). I will try not to worry you. I have seen things that you will never see. Leave it to memory me. Don't dare me to breathe... I want you to remember.
Try Not to Breathe, REM (Hard to hold my breath. Holding things in, emotion, confusion, questions, is like holding my breath. I try not to burden you, so I need to hold my breath. Don't dare me to let it out, don't give me reason to be confused or angry. Because I've been holding it in)
I've found a way to make you, I've found a way. A way to make you smile. I read bad poetry into your machine. I save your messages, just to hear your voice. You always listen carefully, to awkward rhymes. You always say your name, like I wouldn't know it's you, at your most beautiful.
REM (does it? I save those, heh. Listen to them a lot.)
This flower is scorched. This film is on, on a maddening loop. These clothes, these clothes don't fit us right. I'm to blame, it's all the same, it's all the same. We've been through fake-a-breakdown. Self hurt. Plastics, collections. Self help, self pain. Est, physics, fuck all. I was central. I had control. I lost my head. I need this. I need this. A paper weight, a junk garage, winter rain, a honey pot. Crazy, all the lovers have been tagged. A hotline, a wanted add. It's crazy what you could've had. It's crazy what you could've had. I need this. I need this.
REM
Nothing's gonna start if you and I do nothing. Nothing's going to change if you and I are only waiting. Nothing's gonna move if you and I only see one thing. Nothing's gonna work, but I can't change the system of this world. Hey money junkie, what are you living for? I burn with anger. I set time bombs everywhere. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore. I'm very hungry. Bring me something to eat. I'm getting angry. Destroy everything, it's like a battle field. Something's gonna start if you and I do something. Something's gonna change if you and I get going. Something's gonna move if you and I see everything. Something's gonna work and you and I can conquer this world. Explosion! Explosion! If I leave it as it is and break away. Explosion! Explosion! I can't wait. There is no time anymore.
Explosion, Shonen Knife
(lol...... I tend to ruin everything when I get in a bad mood... and nothing does nothing. I explode! XD I think I'm feeling fine today, though. Just my thoughts)
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