Cracking

When I get like this, I can't even think. I can't move, I can't think, I can't do anything. I can't think.. With all these.. people here. MAYBE I SOUND CRAZY BUT I CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE. (all caps just to see if they would notice)

People.. People people. It stresses me out more than anything. I get home, sit down, and only find that I can't do anything. Why? Because everyone's walking behind me, glancing at the screen to see what I'll do. See what I look at. See this blog that I'm hiding from them. My brother has already found it, but merely uses it as occasional blackmail. Good that he's to lazy to read my secrets.

When they're here, I'm stuck. Waiting for them to leave. My hands go stiff, my mind starts to ache, and breathing is an effort. I can't write, I can't draw, I can't think-- Why do I do this?

Something about it makes me crazy. One more comment and I'll crack. One more stupid comment. Don't tell me that it's creepy, don't tell me that I'm weird, don't ask me if I have a blog, don't lecture me about it, don't tell me that it's stupid, don't tell ask me about the comics, don't don't don't say a word. If they see what I do, they'll laugh at me, or they'll say something rude. I don't like it.. I don't. Emotional breakdown at this second, I'm worse than I usually am.. I don't know why. Today is bad.. I don't know why today, what triggers it. Emotion and tears, nearly. But can't cry because people are around. Fucking people, people, people. I can't cry, I can't sing, I can't write, I can't do anything. Carson with his Strongbad, Alex with his whining, Mom with her lecturing, Dad with his backups and instillations. Makes me want to scream! But wait, I can't scream either, can I..??

I can't show any emotion. I can't do what I want to do. I can't write without being asked. I can't talk without someone having to know who I'm talking to. I hate it so much..

Sorry. Today something is wrong with me. Today My head hurts and my insides tie in knots, tenseness shoots to my head and my eyes water. I.. can't.. even.. do this. .. without hurting. I just want you all to go away. Go go away.

Stress.. Stress stress stress.. Does that have anything to do with it? A presentation on Monday, my first final. --

... and I'm knocked away from my spell from a conversation. Thank god for that.*sighs* I need to shut up and loosen up and stop freaking out. I don't know why I snap.