"Sorrow... For letting.. Someone else.. Define you.. Know who you are at every age. What.. Impression am I making..? I see me as other people see me. There is not going back, I can't stop feeling now.. I am not the same, I am growing up again. I am not the same.. I'm growing up again.."
She thought I was cleaning my room to please her, when I left. Or maybe writing hate notes to her, one of the two. She was sitting, reading in the basement. I had been lying on my bed, I had locked myself in my room. She said she's horrified that she didn't know. She doesn't want to know how long.
When she starting crying I couldn't handle it. She did what she did before. The reminders, of how impossible everything is, how I'm stupid, how they don't care about me. Telling me my friends don't like me, you may as well. Reminding me of the faults I don't want to think about. The ones I'm trying to convince myself not to believe. And then she starts crying, as I ignore her and quote her words. As I ignore that she tells me to go, to go to bed, to clean my room, to stop quoting her. I just sit there, numbing. She leaves. She shouts from the stairs. I sit there. Frozen.
I hold hardly any pity, but guilt. I wonder.. 'Why do you do this..? Why do you make fun of me, tell me that he doesn't care, say that I'm overwhelming, and then start crying at what I do to you..?'
I do nothing. And that's worth crying over?
So, I ran away.
It's fucking summer. Why do you do this? You have to give us rules and regulations, to feel like a good parent. You're the same as Alex, who enjoys dragging me downstairs by the wrist with brute force if I don't listen. Who jabs at the keys and quits my conversations. Who laughs at me and comments on everything. You do that, and what do you expect? You expect me to walk down those stairs, and you expect me to clean my room. You expect me to do this, now now now. And you guilt trip me with everything you've ever given me. Why bother giving me anything at all, if that is the only purpose?
It hurts me, sometimes.
--
9:30 PM, Sunday, June 26th
Everyone's bothering me now... mom's sitting here, staring at my conversation. She laughs at me.
"Oh, interesting, he doesn't write back, hm?"
They're all against you.
"let's just paint us as the bad people.."
"he's going to think you're crazy"
"the poor guy, he can't even get a word in, she's yakking so much"
Hey, talk, prove them wrong.
"yeah right"
"tsk tsk"
"I'm seeing if the guy's gonna write back anything, but he's not"
"she's freaking him out"
They're all fucking harassing me. At once. Mom's pissed at me now.
"I'm giving you rules, Tanya, and you're going to have to deal with that"
She's pissed indeed.
Freaking out.
*sighs* Shit.
*goes numb*
It's funny... I do everything they say, or they'll hate me. They comment over my shoulder, laugh at my friends, tell me to give up everything I care about. And then they tell me I don't respect them, don't care. They tell me all the things they give me, but the funny thing is, why do they even bother giving anything to me..? Why do they give me anything, when all they use it for is something I have to give back? Something to guilt trip me with later. And this is why I sometimes wish to run away. They laugh at me, at how stupid I am. If I left just for a while, where would I even go?
'Porch?'
I don't want them to find me, just for a while..
'under the porch?'
Hah. There is no under the porch.
'ok, on the roof!'
I can't get there.
'use your fairy wings'
Hah.. I wish..
'if that doesn't work, climb a tree. Who ever looks in a tree?'
We don't have any trees.
'find a tree, then climb right up there, be sure to bring a snack'
If I could climb trees, that would help.
'hah, then bring a step stool. Or better yet, a fire truck!'
Sure...
'trampoline would work too..
Don't have one. Trees are kinda out of it. How else can I? How else can I.. get away?
'take a cab to India'
Nope. And I'm serious.
'seriousness is not my strong point'
Mm..
I hate my life. No way to escape everyone. I can't live without someone telling me how to, and making me feel bad.
'I hate that I can't help....'
Lol.. Somehow prove that they're wrong, that would do something, but you really shouldn't bother. I don't even know.. I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I'm screwed.
'well don't'
How..?
'I don't know'
Hm.. I have two minutes. In two minutes, I either go to my room, lock the door, and I'll keep it locked. Or I could run away, but I don't know where to go. But I'm not opening my door for a long time.
'well don't run away'
Why?
'cuz you don't have anywhere to go'
Hah. Anywhere but here?
'so it seems'
Mhm. I'm eventually going to have to face what I "did" which is.. Nothing? I did nothing, and I'm in trouble for that. Because there's so much I should do. I should clean my room, I should wake up early every morning, I should go to bed early as well, and I should be with my family. But I don't want to. So, I'll have to face that.
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