My Pointless Life Holds No Satisfaction!

I'm making odd connections.. One, is that, I feel off-balance whenever I'm in public. Isn't that odd? I was thinking.. How does it feel? When I walk around home, I feel.. Absolutely normal. But emerging into a large wide space, with lots of people.. I feel.. Like I need to watch my step. I suddenly concentrate on the movement of my steps, feel like the automatic ability to walk has turned manual. Like you suddenly have to think to be able to do it.. It's strange. Just as the eyes of everyone shift directions, and as you are among them.. Feels like you just can't screw up. Like at that very moment, you are leaving the only image you'll ever have on that person that sees you. You're making, burning the semi-permanent memory of your existence with someone you'll never see again, and this time they see you, will determine how exactly they will remember you. Isn't it strange that I think about this..?

I can't wait until the summer.. *sighs* I was done with school when spring break was here. I'm so tired of it.. I want to get my yearbook, I want to walk out of that school and never come back. I want to know, that I am in control completely of my life again. I want to learn what I want to learn, I want to have time to read books.. I want to go to my grandparent's house. Please please. Going there now sounds like such a haven from this hell of brothers.. Brothers.. Brothers suck. Well, simply, it is damaging to my personality, you could say. I am one who is easily stressed, and I need.. Quiet. Quiet time, alone time, a time to not be mocked for everything I do and say. I need a time when all I have to think about is my own thoughts... I don't want to think 'can they see my conversation?' , 'will they look at my webpage?' , 'did I ever mention any guys in that? Will he harass me constantly saying he's my boyfriend?' Yes.. They do that. Especially my 18 year old brother. Asshole-! Won't leave me alone. I want to gorge my eyes out, no, my ears, so I don't have to hear him. Figure of speech.. But I wish I could make him shut up. Just not bother me. Well, funny.. As I sit here, quietly typing to myself, as he sits over there, absorbed into the computer.. It's not like I have it that bad. It's just.. I feel oh so paranoid. Like any second, he's going to walk--.. over and just look over my shoulder, mock what I'm saying, find the address of my blog, harass me some more, find out about Nikhil, say he's my boyfriend, harass harass harassssss..

I remember when everyone had good fun bothering me. Mom would try to match me up with guys, Alex would say they were my boyfriend, Carson would just join in, and Dad isn't around enough to bother me too. Or he doesn't bother. Headache after headache.. I knew no guys, then. That was just.. Last year. When I met Michael, he was my first guy-friend. Well, first in five or more years. First one that I really talked to. My brother was intent on asking how "Michael was" and he would simply bother me until I said, or if I didn't say, he would question me more and more and more. It was especially pain inflicting when we weren't talking to each other, when he had to remind me. I don't think it was my fault.. I really don't think it was all me. Maybe I'm damaging, maybe I was too open about just... Absolutely everything. My mood, my writing, everything. Just drove him insane over time. I'm not surprised. But.. So... Childish? I almost don't want to say that. But... I feel like he was so childish.. Just not saying if something bothered him, if something was a problem. Why couldn't he just.. Say? I mean, you have to ask! It's so odd. Just the fact that he "couldn't" do that, it made everything not worth it. Try.. You have to try.. If you don't try, it's laziness. Unwillingness. Baka. Lying, unwilling, unchanging baka. You wouldn't tell me if I asked, three times.

Or maybe a loudly proclaimed "WENCH!" as Mayre would say, would be more fitting. Ha.. She always says that. It's her favorite thing to say.

Back to my haven. I want to go to my grandparents house.. I need to show you pictures. Wonderful place.. Very nice. It's in the wooods. How fun is that? It's in such a tree-filled place.. And the waterfront. It's near an edge, cliff, and you can see the water. Trees, animals, Lovely view, so many sounds, smells, fresh fresh. Trees..
A week ago, my Nana offered to have me stay at her place for a week. Over the summer. A week.. Sounds like a long time, probably would feel like a long time.. At first I was hesitant to the idea. No computer, not the best food.. But, I changed my mind. Because, there's another part to the offer, because she seems to think that she has to bribe me to get me out there.. Take an hour ferry ride over.. The deal is, I stay for a week, wake up whenever I want to, and can stay up in the new viewpoint thing for as long as I want, typing on my typewriter. Then, I can just come down whenever, and be with them. So, basically, I get a week of complete quiet, with my thoughts and beautiful scenery. Gramps just built something.. It's a addition to the house. A viewpoint. I haven't seen much at all about it, I haven't seen any of the work done on it.. But I think it's near done. I can imagine what it's like though.. You go up the staircase/ladder, and likely it'll have a desk and big windows. I'll have to see. But I get to stay up here and type.. That'll be so fun. Or I could read. But it's so fun to think, that I'll have all this time alone with my thoughts, to write stories and such. Can't wait.



I need to take a nap, again. I wish I had some sort of point to my life.. I get a headache, like now, and start to think.. What does my life even do? What is the point? I mean, it's... Nothing. Not worth a cent. I sit here, and what am I doing? I'm not having fun, I'm writing in a god forsaken blog. A blog.. Useless. Absolutely pointless. Only one and a half people see it, and it doesn't do anything, does it? It's just about me.. For those curious fools. What's the point about learning about me? I'm just another random loser, someone you may see but never recognize. You'll never know me. I'm sitting here.. I'm wasting my life away. What the hell do I do with my life? Do I run out and save the world? Do I protest the innocent deaths in Iraq? Do I run around and perplex people, causing many a happenstance? I need to do something.. I think my head is dying. Dying of boredom, eating itself, as does an empty stomach. Swallowing itself up, dwelling and dwelling until it dies. Yeah. I dwell over so much.. I just dwell and dwell... I dwell on how pointless it is, how I wish.. I had something to live for! You know? I feel like nothing I do is important. No one looks up to me, no one sees me as anything but maybe a kind face in many. Is that why I have a problem with jealousy, sometimes? I want to be someone's savior. When I can't even do that, I feel pretty.. I don't know. When breaking down, when emotionally unstable, I find myself wanting to be someone's "angel", stupid as that may sound. I want to save someone. I want someone, anyone to care about me. Understand? I want to help someone.. But I never find a way to. I wish I had someone to whisper in my ear, "give that person some change, she just lost her bus money" or "wave to that guy over there, he's having a bad day".. I need a little magic. I need something to tell me how to make someone's day, so I feel like I.. Have something to live for. I'm feeling a bit glum, I guess..

I lost my reason to write, I feel
lost a muse,
forgot how to deal
Lost my train of thought
fairly long ago
Lost what I thought
was the right way to go
Remember what you called me?
Almost behind my back
yet I turned around
and I eventually bite back
With my words,
questioning your judgment
of hurtful poetry
yet entirely painless
to the slow realization
that it never could last