Looking Through my Files, and Oppression

I want to be an author. Isn't it obvious? Or maybe a poet, if I have any potential. These things are hard to measure, especially in your own eyes.. As an artist can be their own worst critic.. So, I wouldn't know. Can I really stay on one subject long enough to write a book, or anything? It seems hard to live off of.. So I'll have another job, next year, working at some store.. Sure thing.

I'm looking through my file.. It's interesting, I've never actually looked at it.
Comments from my kindergarten teacher in first quarter.. .. wow. :
"Tanya is a great listener and contributor to our class discussions and studies. Her answers, questions and comments are thoughtful and imaginative. Tanya is a reader and writer! She is eager to read and write and her grasp of reading strategies and comprehension skills are above average. Tanya has shown good comprehension of math concepts. Tanya has many friends. Her sweet, helpful personality draws other children to her. The whole class loves to work and play with her and she includes everyone. I am impressed by her 'people' skills. Tanya is a joy to have in class!"

Interesting. Math, you kidding? Well, I suppose at that age, any skills in math is a plus. The people skills is also a surprise. And, "the whole class".. I don't remember. Ha.. So it was obvious even then, writing and reading.. It's interesting reading this, because I'd never seen it, and it's from another perspective. 1995.. I was five..

Here's what I said "My favorite thing in kindergarten are Birthday Parties." *looks at my report card* Oh yeah.. We used numbers back then.. Hm.. 1's were for if you exceeded level, 2 for meeting level.. I got all 2's and 1's. The only T I got (T is if you need time to develop) was with working independently... And the ones I got the best on were "Respects rights, ideas, feelings" and "Works cooperatively in a group" ..I hate working in groups. But maybe back then, it was easier to. Because now all these lazy peers don't do any work, while I end up doing a lot of it. In kindergarten, you did coloring and learning to write.. So simple.. Ha, sometimes I wish it was back to that. I know.. Well, I just wish I could be a kid again, but with my mind now.. My twelve-year-old mind. Old enough to know better, but young enough to be a child. I'd hate it if we all went back to then, though. Everyone would be whining.. I mean, my current peers in school and such.. Well, I don't know what I mean.. But I want less cramming for the WASL, SAT, ACT, ITED, ITBS.. So many damned tests. I just want to go back to simple, when the biggest arguments were over four-square, and who gets to use the jump rope. I want to talk, again.. I mean.. All I hear in class is kids whining, constantly. I'm soo sick of it. They're like "Connie's on crack" or "There she goes again.." It makes me so.. annoyed.. I want to be able to have class discussions, be able to voice my opinion.. I remember when we did that every day, in Elementary school.. We could tell anything, we could even have discussions about problems with the school, or personal, even.. I miss it way too much.

Oh.. Here's some more.. It's funny.. Here's what she said third quarter I mean, what the hell?? :

"Tanya is one of the happiest children I have ever had the pleasure to teach. She is happy to work, play, be with her friends, listen, talk, share -- EVERYTHING! She is well liked by all her classmates. She is friendly and helpful. Tanya is doing strong work in all areas of study. She is a clear thinker who has much to add to our discussions and projects. She is self-confident in most things, readily accepts responsibility and her imagination is wonderful! She is highly motivated in her learning and is always eager to find out just a little bit more. Tanya knows all of the letters of the alphabet and the sounds they make. She is developing the use of knowledge in her reading and writing. Her writing (both dictated writing and her own writing) is always fun to read. Tanya is above or right where she should be at this time of year on our math development continuum. She has a strong mathematical sense and has no trouble understanding and developing new concepts. It is a pleasure to have Tanya in class. I am enjoying watching her grow and am glad she is in our class!"

Wow. Talk about strange.. *laughs* I wish all of that was true now.. I don't remember having a lot of friends. Maybe I was talkative..? I had a strong sense of being nice to people, I suppose, as I still do.. Jeez.. So much positive.. I remember that lady, Ms. Howard.. Hardly, though. She didn't actually stay in teaching.. All I remember is faintly. I remember she had short-ish brown/black hair.. And red lipstick. Yeah. The general memory of her is positive, and I remember hugs. As a kid you hug everyone, I swear.

4th quarter.. :

"Tanya is above or right where she should be for this time of the year on both the reading and math continuum. She does strong work in all areas and I have enjoyed having her in my class. She is more than ready to be a great success in first grade! Tanya has many friends. She is friendly and helpful to everyone and everyone likes her. Her classmates love her sweet, fun personality and gravitate naturally to her. She has wonderful stories to tell, is enthusiastic about learning and has a great imagination. I have loved watching Tanya's writing develop. She has the idea of writing already ingrained in her learning and she uses it!"

Well, jee. Is there anything wrong with me, at this point? Darn it. I want to be the happiest kid you've ever seen, haha. And I want to be liked by everyone. And I want friends to gravitate towards me.. Pish. I wish I was the age where nothing matters. You can look weird, you can dress up, you can wear a costume and no one will look at you funny. Wanna be Pocahontas for a day? You could, back then.. You were looked at as children.. *sigh* Miss it miss it miss it.

What else is in the file? An article about Harry Potter, some little reports I did, kindergarden homework.. And tracing paper. As a kid, because I couldn't draw well on my own, I traced all my picture books. I'd get them from the library, books full of stories about faires, and I'd trace the pictures.. not bad for a young age. It is fun to do.. And here's a note to my great uncle, or someone.. A thank you for the porcelain dolls from my great aunt, who had recently died..
A letter to Santa.. In cursive. "Dear Santa, if you're not my parents I'm very sorry about the last years destirbance. I'm also sorry that I did not bring cookies. love, Tanya"
This is such fun to look through.. Here's a ticket to the "Museum of Science and Industry" A one-way metro ticket... Prints of my hands as a baby, from the' Seattle Police Explorers'.. More homework.. An invitation to my 10th birthday party.. A report on the book "The Cay" .. A crayon drawing of one of my star people, and a heart made of two people kissing. *snickers* I remember, whenever I drew that, there'd be an echo of "ewwww!" by everyone who saw it. Hahah..
When I was little, I read the book The Dumb Bunnies. And wrote a story about it, my version, it seems. There's a drawing of the bunnies.. And on the back, a picture of a smoker "bad" and a picture of a no smoking sign "good".
Sorry, I'm having fun, and going on forever. How do you guys manage to read something I update so often..? You don't. Okay, got my answer, nevermind. *shrugs*
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Hm.. An autobiography I did at age nine.. Did you know my parents named me Tanya because it 'means' fairy queen? At least the name books say, and I think it's the name of the fairy in Midsummer Night's Dream. I saw a play of that, and it was really really good. Amazing visuals.. I don't remember much of it, though. I'm the middle child.. I've never lived anywhere else, always lived in this house. "I'm hilarious, shy, and kind" *laughs* Hilarious...? "I'm good with clay but I'm bad at cursive" Hm.. Huh.. "To relax I eat apples" ... okay.. I don't remember that either. How is eating apples relaxing? "my favorite food is rice and teriyaki" well, that hasn't changed. "I would like to be the greatest sculptor of all time. I also want to see my grandchildren" Haha.. I don't sculpt anymore.. I used to make little things for fun.. As gifts..

A report card from middle school.. All A's, one B. All A's, all A's, all A's. I don't know how I keep it up. Will I still?
---

And with that, I was pulled away from the computer on my chair, had the folder snatched from my hands, and a sneering face I am all too familiar of. Think 'Draco Malfoy' or 'Snape' heck.. who's another villain that annoys the hell out of you? Just think of the character that crushes the dreams and hopes of the main character.. So he's standing over my shoulder..I HATE that..

Anyway, so it's night time, very late, I admit... He claims the entire upstairs to be his "room" (every computer, video game, and form of technology is UP HERE), and kicks me out all the time, even if he has to drag me. Drag me down the stairs, humiliate me because I'm stubborn, and hate him when he does that. Wish to attack him, but I can't. I swear at him instead. Because he's not nice at all. Well, I used to never swear, but I'll swear at him. I said 'fuck you' for the first time in my life last night. But, not like I haven't whispered it once in a while.

So he claims I'm in his room, that it's time for bed, that I have to go. He gets all in my face.. Says I'm a brat and why can't I just go downstairs. Gets all full of sneers and insulting, loves to bother me as it is. He'll walk over to me, stare at what I'm doing, and I hide it all, just because I don't want him ever to read what I write, never ever. I hate him. So I hide it, and then he refuses to go away so I can finish writing or doing what I'm doing, and I tell him to leave me alone. He doesn't, just stands and stares. When I don't move, he tries to log me out, which is when I yell at him that I have unsaved things. Sometimes he does anyway, saying 'you should have left, then' Well, hell, I'm not going to do anything with you staring at the screen and harassing me with that arrogant attitude that makes me want to hit you. It's not your room.. You have a room downstairs. Yet you claim this one because it was too hot in your room, LAST summer. And then mom never makes you come back down, and you take responsibility to drag me to my room kicking and yelling. I hate you I hate you.

I'd love to hurt him. Wipe that damned sneer off his face, get rid of those arrogant words. I want him to stop it. I'm responsible for myself. And I don't care what he thinks. I can't respect him. 'he loves you' 'he missed you' 'look at all the nice things he does for you' Yeah, to save himself from his guilt, I bet. What, do you remember dragging me down? Do you remember how it hurt? You don't know it hurts, and even when I say, you sure don't care. I can't respect him. Ever. He says I'm fat jokingly, calls me a goth, his insults are his amusements. He drinks pop and then complains when I do. Watches me forced to eat something I hate just to get something I could have stole from the kitchen as a midnight snack. He loves to watch me get annoyed, suffer. Of course when I cry he'd feel bad, but only then. I can't be glad that he cares, because he only cares when he really hurts me, and when it shows. He loves to threaten to find my password and erase this, erase my log in. Erase my art. He can, he tells me how. I hate him. More than anyone. Do you think it links to when he hit me, because he was frustrated playing his video games? A habit, taking it out on everyone else. Yell and say it's our fault. I remember I'd ask 'why can't it be like it used to be, why can't he be nice, why can't he??' He may not do that anymore, but I remember. I wrote about it in my diary.. *sighs* Leave this place, you idiot. Move out. I only have 6 more months to deal with him. Thank god. I'm sick of being told what to do. The only reason I wouldn't go to bed would be because I don't want him to tell me what to do, and refuse to let him make me go down early.

Oppression. So much oppression. He can do whatever the hell he wants, he can make me look like such a bad person in comparison. He'll do the dishes, and say that I'm not. He'll say that I'm too picky, that they should make me try the food. And they do. They do they do. He'll note that I got a B instead of an A, he'll mock my choice of what to wear, he'll laugh at what I write.

*sighs* Every time he does that, I swear to never speak to him again. Yet, every day, he goes back to my nice acting brother. Full of insults but nice. Joking. Just being himself. Yet.. *sighs* I don't know. I just want him gone. I want to be gone.

I want to go away so badly. I'm stressed by the smallest things, and I just want to leave home, for like, a month. I want a month living all by myself. Mostly alone. I'd love that more than anything. I'd love to have my own place, that I could dec out however I wanted to. I have a nice family, yet I want to leave even so. I always have. I can't learn to be independent, this way. I want to do things myself, without people TELLING me to. When you tell me to do something I've never done before, it makes me more worried about it. Because it becomes to be something expected of me. I want to do things that worry me without an audience. It's kinda sad.. Just simple things worry me. Ordering a pizza, anything to do with the phone. Just one of those things you fear because being awkward, and not knowing what to say. I want to leave so badly.. With quiet I'd get so much more done. In my own environment. Lol.. I'd be able to think. I wish I wish I wish.

Mm.. Procrastination is such a terrible habit. Heck.. Why can't I just do it now? Maybe I can will myself to. Let's see. -- *starts working on it* Blah. I hate to research, so slow.. Gyah gyah gyah..

Ohiyo gozaimas... Watashi wa namae wa Tanya desu! Douzo youroshiku! Eto.. Neko ga suki desu. To.. eto... Watashi no shumi wa e to eiga desu! Anata no shumi wa nan desuka?